Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s02e03 Episode Script

A Chick Who Can Hang

Ange? No, he's no clue.
I can't wait to see his face! I know, okay, we're in the other room.
I'm gonna bring everybody in in just a minute.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, I have to go, thank you.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
Happy birthday, bro! - Huh? Check it out.
- Yeah, wow.
Thanks man.
Hey, it's too bad Amy couldn't be here, right? Hey, are you gonna make it official with her soon? What? Come on, old man, seven years is a long time.
I mean, at this point, I feel like Amy's more just like a friend.
- You know, like a bro.
- Yeah.
I don't know, something just changed.
Like, I'm just done.
You ever feel like you're just done? Yeah, is it because of all the weight she gained? No.
I mean, she's definitely put on some pounds, but that's not even it.
- Yeah.
- Is it the long distance? No, long distance is the only reason we're still together now.
Yeah, oh, man.
It just-- something turned, you know, just everything about her makes me sick.
- Um-hmm.
- Just like, shut up.
- Oh, shut up.
- I can't take it.
Come in, everybody.
Hey, Angie.
What's this? No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no Come on, get ready, okay? Ready? One, two, three.
Happy Birth-- Amy? What are you doing here? When did you get back from Iraq? This isn't working for me.
I, I think we should see other people.
I met somebody else.
And so I made the decision, I don't wanna see you any more.
And this was over.
I paid for this, I'm bringing it.
Step away from it! I'm having somebody come back and get this.
Thank you for your service.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR Nothing has changed, I still dress like (bleep).
They just like, squeeze me in this right before I came on.
I usually wear American Apparel.
I like to be draped in sweat pants, don't you guys feel that way? I love American Apparel, I really do.
I like the models and the marketing.
I like that every shot of them, it looks like a shot of the last time they were ever seen, just Help.
" Looks like they're waiting for Liam Neeson at the bottom of a close like It's like hostage lighting.
What is the idea? Like, "Oh, if I buy these leggings, will they also find my body in a swamp?" Like, why? So let me get this straight.
It's a road made of ice and they truck on it.
Bullseye, that's the show, plain and simple.
You twinks ready to do some shots, pussies? Oh-ho-ho, that's so hot, I love girls like at.
Tequila, no training wheels.
Burger, rare as (bleep).
Oh, yeah, a chick who can really hang with the guys.
That is the best.
A chick who's like super-hot, but then like, loves Xbox, down for pizza.
That tomboy thing, you know? Like, man, I knew this girl, Joey.
- That's a hot name right there.
- That is a hot name.
Yeah, she was off the charts hot.
She could like beat me in arm wrestling, you know? That's like my college girlfriend.
She was crazy hot.
She could recite all of "Boondock Saints" verbatim while building a deck, she was ripped.
Murder him, God! You know, I dated a chick like that.
I mean, she was like, model hot, plus she knew everything about World War Two, and she had a super strong jaw.
- She had like a lantern jaw.
- Mmm.
Love that tomboy thing.
Hey, you know she reminds me of my ex, you know, real solid.
I could climb her like a tree.
She made me feel so safe.
I miss her.
Oh, man, there's this chick at my office, right now I can talk to her about Muay Thai.
Plus, she's got just like a little bit of stubble.
Aah - I need to hit that, man.
- Yeah, you do.
That's the dream, right? That's a fantasy, like in "Rambo.
" The main chick in that with the headband, hot, right? Yeah, no, man, but there are real chicks like that.
Like, I knew this girl Sam when I lived in Tampa.
She was just naturally not, like, rough hands, thick neck.
Forehead like a granite counter.
And she worked hanging drywall for her dad's company, Murphy and Son.
Yeah, she did.
Ooh, check it out.
Ohh My boner just got a boner.
My buddy Goldman has this girlfriend Glen.
She's like cover of "Maxim" hot.
She does all those fantasy football pics.
And she has like this prominent dick.
I'm like, I want - That's so (bleep) hot.
- That is so (bleep) hot.
To chicks who can hang.
- To chicks who can hang.
- Yes.
Heading to the can.
Gotta make some room.
Ohh Wait, should we just (bleep) each other? What is your type? I like, um, a great sense of humor.
And like some wit and some intelligence, I don't know, I like--- Girls who read books, I don't know-- Some intelligence and things like that.
Would you have sex with me? Um - Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
What is your type? I don't have a type, but I tend to end up with blondes.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Oh my God, that's so weird.
- I know, it is weird, isn't it? What's your type? Tall, skater, douchebag.
Hey, do you have a skateboard? Keep it moving, pal.
What kind of guy do you like? Gay.
They all turn out to be gay.
*** I return with libations, as promised.
- Thanks, Liam - Hey, text me later.
I've been saving up some things I've been meaning to tell you all day.
- Is that your boyfriend? - (Bleep) you, no.
Liam's from HelloM'lady.
Is that a dating site? No, it's an app for your smart phone that helps you manage those clingy, fragile guys who think they're dating you.
- Wait, are they stalkers? - God, no, stalkers have balls.
Hello m'lady's just make you feel guilty.
They do that thing where they put you on a pedestal and they dote on you, even though you've never expressed any interest.
But why would I wanna sign up for that? Just think of it like Turbo Tax.
No one wants to do taxes, but it is nice to have help with that inevitable chore.
Hello m'lady notifies you of the whereabouts of m'ladies in your area.
The app alerts you when you've been selected by one of these human hobbits.
You'll receive Cliff Note versions of his thesis linked emails listing the things he sees in you that no one else sees.
This sad-eyed weasel helped my boyfriend move into my place.
This doughy munchkin flat out gave me an iPhone.
He said he had a hook-up, but I'm pretty sure he just paid for it.
It's a text from Liam.
"I wish I kissed you just now.
" Oh, gross, I was just chosen.
I don't wanna lead this guy on, but I don't wanna hurt his feelings either.
Oh, you can't win.
But the app does send you a warning text when he's about to angrily turn on you.
Warning, m'lady.
Can we talk outside, please? I think you owe me that much.
It's fine, he's just gonna call me ungrateful and then ask if he can hold my hand.
It seems you've been abandoned and I just wanna say hello, m'lady.
Hello m'lady.
(bleep) it.
Did you ever know a girl who thought she was your girlfriend and she totally wasn't? Um, no, but I've been that way on accident.
You thought a girl was your girlfriend? - Yeah.
- What happened? Well, I thought we were dating for like four months.
And then she cheated on me.
Well, did she if you weren't-- No, apparently not so it was fine.
Yeah, I guess not, she just kind of met somebody.
You're a sweetheart.
Aged Angus Banger with cheese and a crispy McDalmond chic.
- Fries in the hole.
- Order on five.
Give me more Giggle Meals.
What the hell do you mean they want apple slices in the Giggle Meals? Corporate wants to offer a healthy option.
- A healthy option? - Yes, a healthy option.
Well, silly me, I thought we stood for something around here.
No, Beef *** sales, down.
Giggle Meal sales, down.
Fries, Coke, Sprite Let met guess, down? Look, I don't like it anymore than you do.
But let's play by their rules this time till we get the ball back.
Jasmine dropped a burger patty under the soft-serve machine.
Well, fish it out and reheat it.
What is this, half-past amateur hour? Wrong side of the bed this morning, JJ? I sleep on a Futon.
I've been using the same Brita for three years.
My roommate is a bassist.
You tell corporate I'm not putting apple slices on my menu.
What's next, no more chicken beaks in the Everything? Now you wanna tell me why you been acting so strange? This is my first day back, and I'm nervous around you.
You look good, JJ.
Look, I wrote to you.
The letters came back, where have you been? I worked my way up to being a GM of a Sbarro in Tel Aviv.
Then one day, I'm stuffing couscous into a calzone and I realized a woman's life is worth nothing unless she's making a great man greater.
Let's get one thing straight-- No, let's get two things straight.
You and me make a good team and you know it.
And if just for one second you could drop this whole damaged goods routine, we could make this work.
Now, I'm not asking that you (bleep) bang me in the back of my Tercel like it's 1997.
I'm just asking for a chance to make a difference.
That's three things.
That's what you said in my Tercel.
Guys? You better take a look at this.
We got a school bus out there.
It's the short kind.
I need Dora the Explorer figurines ready yesterday.
Throw two in some of the bags, they'll think it's Christmas.
McCaskell, defrost the Aged Angus Bangers.
No, hold on McCaskell, you won't need to do that.
They're just gonna want Giggle Meals and apple slices.
Don't tell me what they want.
There's a Dominican flag on that dashboard.
This is Angus Bangers and family-sized curlies the way home.
I know this order, we do this my way, you understand? - We lost picture.
- Well, pull it.
Fix the Goddamn feed.
Here comes the order.
We're gonna have to fly blind on this one.
Ugh! Jesus, JJ.
Uh, gimme 18 Giggle Meals or whatever's cheapest.
I've got $30.
Do you want fries or apple slices? Whatever's fastest.
I'm sorry.
Yes, JJ, apple slices.
That's the post 9/11 world we live in now.
Unless you change the dialog If anyone can do it, you can.
Or doesn't that JJ work here any more? Good afternoon, sir, I'm the manager here.
One of the managers.
I'm afraid we're not gonna be able to give apple slices today.
Yeah, whatever, no one cares.
You know, there was a time in this country when apples were for feeding horses.
When McDalmond's was more than just a parking lot where people met to buy Ritalin.
People weren't obese.
They were just fat.
And if you wanted an apple, you'd have to eat a pie.
That's why I'm not gonna give you what you ordered.
No, today, I'm gonna give you of the greatest Goddamn country in the world.
Pull ahead.
JJ? Someone emptied their butt in the women's bathroom.
Hand me my mop.
Ugh, there is a lot of (bleep) in here.
Is the internet working for you? Mmm, let me see.
Give me my phone, I'll call.
Uh, maybe it's better if I call.
No, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not gonna freak out.
I'm in like a really good place.
You sure? Oh my God, it's a phone call, like, relax.
You got this, girl.
Please listen carefully as our menu has changed.
For English, please press one.
Are you currently a Time Warner Cable customer? Yes.
Do you want help with your account? Yes.
Did you say you want to add a land line? Representative.
All of our representatives are busy.
Please hold for the next available representative.
Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable.
This is Janardhan, may I have your account number, please? Okay, it's 1-6-1-9-- Please hold while I look up the first half of your account number.
Oh, yeah, that doesn't make any sense.
(beeping) Please don't leave me-- Hello? Aah, you're fine.
Come on, God.
Hello, Janardhan, Janardhan! No, (bleep) no (bleep) ass (bleep) my whole (bleep).
Janardhan! .
(bleep)! English.
Person! Human person! Thank you for calling Time Warner cable.
This is Janardhan, may I help-- I need your account number, please.
Janardhan, just be real right now, man.
Be real! Ma'am, let me transfer you to our transfer department.
- What? - Please hold for No-no-no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! No, Janardhan! Janardhan! (bleeps) I mean, I was gonna go back to school but like, for what? Like, for what? We're all going to the same place, anyway.
We have our relationships.
Like that's all we have in this world.
That's who we are.
(beeping) We'll need the serial number of the first modem you ever owned.
(bleep) you, Janardhan! (bleep) you.
And what was the nickname your mother gave you when you were seven? I know you're probably like a really good guy.
It's not your fault, you're probably like-- You have interests and you probably have like a family or like a cat or something, but like-- (bleep) you.
Like, why are you doing this to us, Janardhan? But I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to Do you have to let it linger? Oh I thought the world of you I thought nothing could go wrong But I was wrong I was wrong if you if you could get by trying not to lie I love you, Janardhan.
I love you too, Mrs.
Do it.
And I wouldn't feel so used Oh, the router just needed to be restarted.
Yeah, ok.
Well I'm about, you know, and I have long, long blonde hair and I have bright blue eyes and pouty mouth that's perfect for sucking.
You know, I don't know if that did it for you, but I'm just-- This is all doing it for me.
So Jennifer, you were a phone sex operator.
Yes, I was.
Were you nervous your first couple calls? Yes, you know, I'd been around the block enough.
Like, I've had enough sex to know what-- Sure, I'm not stranger to a (bleep) but, still.
What was the most typical fantasy that a guy would want? A lot of people wanted the girlfriend experience.
What does that mean? Someone to actually like talk to them as if they're in a relationship.
So would you just like complain and be like mad at them? My character, actually, she was like a college coed sex kitten.
Now, they had picked her for me.
Like I didn't have-- Oh, they assigned you a character.
They assigned me somebody based on my voice.
Samantha, that was my character-- Samantha was somebody before she was you.
Samantha was some-- Yes.
Whoever was working her before, I guess, they quit, got fired, who knows, so I had to come in.
Murder? Let's hope not.
I just remember one call I got.
He wanted me to be like five different people.
He's like, "We're at a pool party and we're hanging out with friends and then you and I are gonna go into the laundry room and have sex.
" And I said to him, "Why don't we just go and start in the laundry room?" And he's like, "Well, no, we have to talk to people.
" There's location change? Is this "Prairie Home Companion?" Like why is he making you do this? He wanted to-- at one point, I had to be like the person-- Like, "Hey, does anybody need drinks, you know? I'm going to the kitchen.
" And then I'm like, "Yeah, well, I can get something," you know? And I also had props.
Now that's a huge thing.
Oh, yeah, what, to make noise and stuff? Yes, I had a book and a spatula, and just bang that, you know, kind of sounds like ass slapping.
And grapefruit or an orange.
I'd cut it in half, squeeze it up to the phone.
Just kind if, you know, if you can imagine.
- I can.
- It works, put it that way.
Is there anything that you said no to? One person was asking me to be like a Girl Scout and sell Girl Scout cookies.
But those are good cookies.
Yeah, they're very good cookies.
- They're almost the best.
- And you get gifts too.
You do? You can get gifts? Yes, you sign-- A lot of them want you to sell your panties or sell something personal.
That's a big no-no.
Oh, I was like, "Sure.
" So I thought about it.
I'm gonna auction off these Spanx for a blood diamond.
Can you teach me how to have phone sex? Well, the first thing-- You just have to be comfortable, okay? Okay.
And so I'd say, "Um, hey, okay, so I've got on "some stockings right now with a garter belt.
"And I've got on some really, really tiny pink panties.
"And it's a thong in the back.
And, um, I want you to come over and take it off.
" Wow.
So, that's what they'd want to hear.
Guys? Do you talk lot of (bleep) now when you have sex? Sometimes, yeah, sometimes.
What's your record for the shortest call? Shortest call, I was proud of myself.
They bought a ten and I did it in three.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
I got stopped by TMZ the other day.
Thank you.
Oh, stop-- I think they thought I was Paula Deen, but still.
We have the same politics, whatever.
I was psyched.
I know if TMZ stops you, you're supposed to be like, "I'm busy, how dare you.
" But I was like, "What's up, what's going on, I got time, what's up?" And then he asked me like a slut question 'cause I'm the "It" girl for that, and, uh And he was like-- He asked me about a product called Instead.
You've never heard of it, right, I never heard of it.
It is a product for women, you buy it at the drug store.
So you put it in so you can have sex when you have your period and not even tell the guy.
I know, I was like, "Ew.
" Right? I am super old-school with that stuff.
I just do the whole, like, oops, I must've just gotten the thing, you know? Oh, no.
Or I'll pretend like I was a virgin.
I'm like, "Are you mad, it hurts.
" Where's the can? I'm gonna empty out my bowels.
So Easy.
Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR