Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s03e01 Episode Script

Last F**able Day

Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made I used to think that my tits was where it's at Used to be concerned that my booty was too fat But now I know the truth and that worry has been shot Big booty's what they want And big booty's what I got Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made Tits are old news if you know what I mean All the guys love my fudge machine Look me in the eye Get your face in, don't be shy You say you don't like asses 'Cause I fart and break your glasses Turd cutter Loaf pincher Dookie maker Fudge machine Cheek-tastic Booty Mastiff Giant tuchus Fudge machine On my booty empire The sun never set Take a shot, yeah Nothing but net Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made I'm gonna make you scream and shout From the part of my body where poop comes out This is where my poop comes out This is where my poop comes out This is where my poop comes out This is where my poop comes out Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine That's right, ladies.
Ain't nothing better than a big, beautiful, sexy booty.
But bottom line, no matter how fine the behind, you better call that onion what it really is.
That shit's a fudge machine.
Turn up.
Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made This is where her poop comes out This is where your poop comes out This is where their poop comes out This is where our poop comes out This is what you think is hot This is what you think is hot This is what you think is hot Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine This is what you think is hot This is what you think is hot This is what you think is hot Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine It's where your poop comes out.
This seems to be the year of the ass.
I think the ass is overtaking the boobs, definitely.
Do you think the tits could ever make a comeback? The tits will always be there, everyone loves titties.
- Everyone loves titties.
- Everyone loves titties.
Do you think tits will ever make a comeback? - I hope so.
- We can only pray.
- Please, Lord.
Please make tits come back.
- Lord, hear our prayer.
Can you describe the perfect ass? Not too small.
Not too firm, not too soft.
Stretch marks are okay.
This sounds like the worst futon ever.
I feel like you're assuming that I have ass stretch marks, and you're right.
Can you describe your perfect ass? Has to be dry.
- I've got a girl for you.
- Really? I'm out, immediately.
I shit myself in Austin when I was going for a walk recently.
It's Monday and that means the big game against Galveston is just a few days away.
We're praying that new guy, Coach Thompson, is getting our Bronconeers ready for combat.
You the new football coach down at the high school? Yes, sir.
Coach Thompson.
This is my wife, Amy.
- Hey, y'all.
- Coach Crawford was like family.
You got some big shoes to fill.
We sure love our football around here, more than anything.
My wife baked you up a pecan crumb.
- Go Bronconeers! - 'Neers.
Ain't it good to be the coach? Whoo! Now, I'm not sure what you heard about me, but I do things a little different than y'all are used to here in Stewford Heights.
This season, we're gonna be the first team in the county to run no-huddle offense.
- What? - You don't like that? You can just look at my 14-2 record Northeast last year.
Second, we do two-a-days every day.
Mmm-hmm.
And third, now, I just need you go to with me on this one.
No raping? But, Coach, we play football.
My team, my rules.
You don't like it, don't let the door rape you on the way out.
Can we rape at away games? - Nope.
- What if it's Halloween, and she's dressed like a sexy cat? - Nope.
- What if she thinks it's rape but I don't? - Still no.
- What about, like, a sexy ladybug? Nope.
A ghost? What about a sexy owl? Sexy Transformer? What if my mom is the DA and won't prosecute? - Can I rape? - No, you cannot.
What if she's drunk and has a slight reputation, and no one's gonna believe her? - That ain't allowed.
- Okay.
The girl said yes to me the other day, - but it was about something else? - No.
What if the girl said yes, but then she changes her mind out of nowhere, like a crazy person.
- You gotta stop.
- No, you gotta stop! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, you're that new coach who don't like raping.
How are our boys supposed to celebrate when they win? Or blow off steam if they lose? That's not very neighborly, ladies.
These folks, that's just their way, okay? You can't bring a wet mule around a hot corn oven.
- Yeah, that's the truth.
- Right? How about just backing off this whole "no raping" thing for now? - No, I know - We've been through this a million I know we've been through it and I know we have a daughter, okay? I know that and I love her, but I am so tired.
I don't know why, but I am, you know? Hey, Coach, um - Can I come in? - Sure.
Uh, I'm sorry to bother you at home, Coach, but, um, you're the closest thing I ever had to a dad, and I just wanna, you know, ask.
Go ahead, son.
But, like, what if someone else is raping her, right, - and I'm just, like, filming it on my phone? - No, no, it's still a no.
You're just as guilty, but you already knew that, right? The Bronconeers are taking a beating out there.
Oh, we got a hard hit on Cunningham and he is down.
It's pretty severe.
Just give it to me straight, doc.
Will my boy ever rape again? Afraid not.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Bronconeers are really feeling Cunningham's loss.
They're down 15 points.
And that's halftime, folks.
We should not be losing this game.
Dugan, what in the hell were you thinking out there on that last play, son? I was, I was thinking about raping.
God damn it.
How do I get through to you boys that football isn't about rape? It's about violently dominating anyone that stands between you and what you want.
Now you gotta get yourself into the mind-set that you are gods.
- Yeah.
- And you are entitled to this.
That other team, they ain't just gonna lay down and give it to you.
- No! - You gotta go out there and take it.
- Now let's get out there.
- Yeah.
Clear eyes.
Full hearts.
Don't rape! Whoo! Yeah.
Ain't it good to be the coach? I love you, baby.
You guys.
You never slept with him.
You don't know what you're missing.
- No way! - It's crazy.
Hi, are you lost? Um, I'm sorry.
I just I love all of you, I can't, I can't believe you're here.
You're, like, literally my heroes.
God, you look familiar.
Are you that girl from the television who talks about her pussy all the time? Yes! That Yes.
Thank you.
- How fun.
Well, come sit.
- Please.
- Come on.
- Yeah? Come talk about your pussy over here.
Is it someone's birthday or Oh.
Kind of the opposite.
We're celebrating Julia's last fuckable day.
- Yes, salud! - Whoo! Woo-hoo! Um, I'm sorry, did you say Julia's last fuckable day? - Mmm-hmm.
- What is that? In every actress's life, the media decides when you finally reach the point where you're not believably fuckable anymore.
But, I mean, how do you know? Who tells you? - Well, nobody really overtly tells you - Right.
But there are signs.
You know how Sally Field was Tom Hanks' love interest in Punchline and then, like, 20 minutes later, she was his mom in Forrest Gump.
Or you might get offered a romcom with Jack Nicholson where you're competing with another woman to fuck him.
I just had an audition for Mrs.
Claus.
- You're kidding me.
- I read for that part.
- I read for that, too.
- You did? - Hey, who got that? - J.
Lo.
Oh, she'll be good.
- She's gonna be really good.
- Really good.
Or you go to a movie set, you go to wardrobe and the only thing they have for you to wear are long sweaters, like cover you up head-to-toe kind of thing.
Right, or, like, the poster for your movie is just, like, a picture of a kitchen.
Yeah.
With these very uplifting and yet vague titles, like, "Whatever It Takes" or "She Means Well.
" That kind of thing, right? Another common sign is when they start remaking your best movies with younger, more fuckable actresses.
I guess they're remaking Boyhood with Selena Gomez in my part.
That's gonna make a lot of money.
I don't understand.
You're all so fuckable.
Like Believe me, no one was more surprised than me that they let me stay fuckable throughout my 40s, and the fact that it continued into my 50s.
This was just like, thanks, but I thought that Us Weekly had made some sort of a clerical error or something.
Tell me about it.
If you shoot a sex scene the night before your birthday, everyone is like, "Hurry up, hurry up, we gotta get it before midnight," 'cause they think your vagina is gonna turn into a hermit crab.
Uh-huh.
Well, is there anything you can do to delay it? Yeah, I mean, you can try, but it only makes it worse, like those Real Housewives.
They try to look young, but then they end up looking like a purse that melted in a car accident.
They look like when a kid draws a face on its hand.
But what about men? Like, who tells men when it's their last fuckable day? - Honey, men don't have that day.
- Never.
Well, they're fuckable forever.
They could be 100 and, like, nothing but white spiders coming out, but they're fuckable.
I didn't get this commercial last week for AARP because the director said I was too old to play Larry King's wife.
I heard that Bruce Willis just got engaged to a girl who is 24 years younger than him, and I heard that she's an actual baby lamb.
What? Really? Mmm, Google it.
So, wait, are you guys, like, bummed at all? What? No.
Are you kidding me? I'm thrilled.
Ecstatic.
I mean, I don't have to deal with this, maintaining this anymore.
I mean, it's just such, it's a godsend.
I can grow my pubes out, it's Look at this.
See this ice cream? It's been sitting out here for an hour.
You wanna know why? Watch this, baby.
Chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug! Hi-oh! Oh, whoa.
All right.
You know what's next.
- Let's go do this thing.
- Where are we going? To do the ritual.
And then we put her in the boat and we push her out into the water, and we drink champagne to salute how fuckable she was for so many years.
It's nice.
Yeah, it's really nice.
Cheers! And where is she going? Home.
Wait, what? Tina, no! Seriously, relax.
She's just going to her house.
I gotta get clothes that I've got to get out of the dryer.
Okay, I was right.
She's an actual baby lamb.
- Aw! - Oh! Can I see it? Oh.
Good for them.
- I'm out.
- Okay, bye, I'll see you.
What are you doing? I'm just gonna, um, go home and wax my beard.
When does that start? I'm fine with old, old guys dating young, beautiful women.
Like, I think that's very cool, and they usually have a really cool origin story.
Like, if the story is, like, let me guess, you're really rich, and you didn't want to see people at the Olive Garden anymore.
Is that Did I get it? Like, it's never, like, he's a struggling something.
No.
It's gross, 'cause I, like, try to Now guys, like, think I can help them, so they want to fuck me 'cause they think I'll, like, do their podcast and, uh And I will.
And if anyone here, I will do Talk about and it's a good time for women.
I just think, like, for age, like, just date someone on their cell phone as you.
That should be the rule.
If you're, like, normal, and he's, like, the top of an eye chart, like, go back on Tinder.
Um You live a busy life.
The last thing you want to have to worry about is your birth control pill.
That's why we're introducing OrthoEsterin, a new low-dose daily birth control pill with little to no side effects.
Ask your doctor if birth control is right for you.
Then ask your boss if birth control is right for you.
Ask your boss to ask his priest.
Find a boy scout and see what he thinks.
Tap a mailman on the shoulder.
Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
Tell him you didn't mean to startle him.
Then ask him if birth control is right for you.
Put it online and see how many likes it gets.
Come on.
Ask an old black man and an Asian boy playing chess in the park.
Then ask them how they became friends, because there has just got to be a story there.
I'm trying to get birth control.
Ask someone who just got one of those cochlear implants, and is hearing for the very first time.
Yeah, but can I get birth control? Ask Jeeves.
I'm supposed to ask you, too.
Ask your mom's new boyfriend.
Then ask the Supreme Court.
Finally, ask yourself why you insist on having sex for fun.
No refills? I have to go through all this again next month? Yep, see you then.
- Can I have a gun? - Yep.
Remember, that's your right.
So, Bailey Jay, you are a transsexual.
- I am.
- You have a cock.
That is a fact.
Just answer all the questions that everyone always asks you that you're sick of answering.
I pee sitting down.
I don't use the men's room.
What about when you were younger? What was What was up? It was, like, the world thought I was a girl before I was figuring it out.
Oh, okay.
Substitute teachers called me "she", I hated it, - it was, like, so embarrassing.
- Yeah.
And then I was really effeminate.
I would have had to get on testosterone therapy - if I wanted to look like a normal person.
- Right.
So I was like, let's try estrogen and grow boobs and see how that works out, and it did.
- And look at you now.
- Look at me now.
You are very gorgeous.
Thank you.
Do you deal with a lot of, like, more attention than you want to deal with? - I live in the middle of nowhere.
- Right.
So, like, if you don't look like a pile of garbage, - you will get a lot of attention.
- Completely, I understand that.
That's why I'm thinking of moving to your town.
- You should, 'cause it's awesome.
- Right? I'll just be the belle of the ball.
I moved to Brooklyn for a little bit and I was like, all right, - I'm a Brooklyn seven.
- Right.
- Let me go.
- Kind of a bummer.
- Let me go to Poughkeepsie.
I - Poughkeepsie, 25.
Yeah.
When I walk into the grocery store, I'm like Beyoncé, - like everyone's just like, "Who's she?" - What's up? Did you ever think about snipping off your penis? - Um, not - I've never Believe it or not, I've never asked anyone that before.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
There's times I want to wear yoga pants.
- Right.
- And not look like I have a toddler shoved down the front of my pants.
Like Mmm-hmm, you want a little camel.
Right, a baby little camel.
It's cute, vaginas are cute, in theory.
My vagina looks like a sandwich but that's, but this isn't about me.
This isn't about me.
You are married.
I am married.
So how did you meet your husband and Um, he was a photographer.
He was like, hey, I want to shoot pictures of you, - and I was like, hey, I have a penis.
- Yeah.
And he was like, that is interesting.
What was it like to watch him sort of enter this situation that I'm assuming he'd just been straight before.
Yeah, yeah, and he still considers himself straight now, but yeah, he, um He was just kind of like, hey, this person's very attractive - Yeah.
- I really like them.
They happen to have a penis, so we already have something in common.
- Right.
Yeah.
- And so that was a good jumping off point.
It turns out that guys don't hate penises.
They're obsessed with their own.
They take pictures of it all day long with their phone.
- Absolutely.
- So then I have a penis, and I don't get a period, and I like anal, so we just - We made it work.
We made it work.
- You're the perfect woman.
You are absolutely the perfect woman.
What do you jerk off to lately? I jerk off to everything.
I jerk off to weird - I jerk off to everything.
- Like what? Is it porn that you jerk off to? Yes, oh, yeah.
I mean, I don't use my imagination, I have testicles.
Gotcha.
I always watch Laurel Canyon.
- Wait, what is that? - It's a movie with Christian Bale.
Oh, my God.
Okay, took a second, okay.
What do you think the biggest misconception is about someone who's trans? Easily that transgender women are Try to trick men.
Do you think The Crying Game gave everybody, like, a tough break or like Trans movies in general are such a bummer.
Like Boys Don't Cry.
I always try to specify that at the end of the day, I'm not, like, taking off a wig and sobbing, like - Just, like, unwrapping all the tape - Right.
- Keeping your dick down.
- Like, the real me.
Like, that doesn't happen.
Usually when I tell people, they're cool.
Like Yeah.
So mostly everybody.
Yeah, like, it sucks.
I wish I had the story.
No, I swear, I don't I'm so happy.
I am so happy to hear that.
There's no part of me that's, like, "When were you, like, beaten and raped to death?" I'm, like, very happy to hear that.
Yeah, people are pretty good - when you're You know what, though? - Good.
- What? - If I didn't, maybe, look the way I did, I don't think I'd be I don't think it's human niceness, I think it's people think with their dick sometimes.
Oh, you're right.
It's more a shallow thing.
- So it's still terrible.
- Yeah.
But it seems like that might be changing a little bit.
- Things are changing so much.
- Right.
Like, Joe Biden mentioned us.
- Yeah.
- It's like, yeah! - I bet he did.
- So that's good.
Yeah.
That does not surprise me.
I think that sex is explained incorrectly, as far as genders go.
It's like, men love sex and women just deal with it.
Right? Every movie, every TV show, the guy gets home from work and he's like, "Honey? "How about tonight?" And she's always like, "Bleh!" You know I hate your dick.
Laundry, laundry.
I don't know any girls like that, right? Also, it's always such a tiny, little pile of laundry.
It's like, not enough for a load.
Which I think should be the title of my next special.
I don't know what's making me so tired, but I am.
You know what, guys? It's time.
- Where are we going? - You wanna come? To do the ritual.
Julia, just give me All right, I'm ready.
So easy.
Mmm, magic.
This is what you think is hot Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine This is what you think is hot This is what you think is hot This is what you think is hot Talkin' 'bout my fudge machine