Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s03e07 Episode Script

Fight Like a Girl

You must be the strippers.
You the groom to be? No, he's inside with his buddies.
Come on in.
Oh, who's a good boy? Yes, I know.
Oh, you're gonna have so much fun.
Yes, I know! I know, have fun! Wait, I'm I'm sorry.
This is just for dogs? Yeah.
I'm throwing my dog, Josh, a wedding tomorrow and, uh, what's a wedding without a bachelor party? You're gonna have so much fun, I know, I know! I gotta write the vows.
Jen, seriously? You never done a dog party before? No, I've never done any party before.
This is my first time.
I'm just doing it 'cause I need to buy a color printer.
How you doing, honey? Come on.
Oh! Jen, what are you doing? Last night as a free man.
What the fuck? Okay.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
That's my bad.
I'm so sorry.
This sucks.
This is bad for my self-esteem.
You're losing the room.
Gentlemen, no touching! What the fuck is this, Jack? That is one strike for the whole room.
And it only takes two strikes to end the party.
I'm fine.
So, where you from? Oh, he's He's a little busy right now.
I'm just doing my job, okay? She's got a gun! Ah! Oh, my god! Shit.
It's gone bad! We gotta get the hell out of here.
- But what about Jen? - It's too late for Jen.
We have to move now.
- Okay, okay, okay! - Move, move, move! - You got the cords? - I've got the cords.
That thing is useless without the cords.
This is mine! This is for me! Do you have any pets? I have a dog, and a cat, and four fish.
What are your fishes' names? Okay, they're all named George.
What are your dogs named? William Wallace, yeah.
- Oh, okay, that's sweet.
- Yeah.
Do you ever play the Braveheart soundtrack and jerk him off? No, he doesn't have balls, so Why? Yes, very true.
You're talking about your dog right now, right? Okay.
When a woman has to find a shirt for her special guy, what will it take for him to say "Fine" to the shirt? If you love Say Yes To The Dress, you'll understand the concept of our show, Say Fine to the Shirt! Amy and her fiancé Brian are shopping for a replacement shirt after he left his main shirt at an airport.
Just pick something, let's go.
Hi! Welcome, how are you? You look great.
- Thank you.
- And you must be? Brian.
- Didn't catch it.
- Brian! Nice to meet you, Rah.
No, he's saying Brian.
Brian, Brian.
Nice to meet you, Brian.
Jeez, I just said it 14 times.
- He's so cute.
- Didn't catch that either.
So you're our man and let's find you a shirt! Brian and I have been together for five years, and engaged for four-and-a-half years.
Brian is my soul mate.
We met and we both knew right away, so I asked him to marry me, and he said, and I'll never forget it, he said, "Fine, I guess.
" So, guys, what's our price range today? Um, I would say anything between $50 up to, if it's, like, amazing, like, 12,000? Um I don't know, what do you think, babe? Like, what are you comfortable with? Okay, great.
Are we thinking sexy, classic sleeves? Maybe some buttons? - Oh! Buttons! - Yeah? - Did you say buttons? - Yeah, buttons.
- Did you hear her? - Buttons? - Are you listening? - Brian? - Are you even listening? - What? Why am I here? I have another shirt.
I don't need another "another" shirt.
Okay, Brian, when you were a little boy and every night you dreamed about clothing, what shirt did you see? That never happened.
I didn't dream about stupid stuff like that.
Seriously, though, I gotta piss.
Is this fine? - Yeah.
- Is this fine? Fine.
Well, it seems like Brian will wear almost anything, so it's really gonna take all my skills to make this prince feel like a princess.
Oh! Oh, my God! What do you think? Brian has not seen Josh and Beaver since college, so I hired a private detective to track them down.
It cost me $20,000, but it is so gonna be worth it to see the look on Brian's face when he sees them.
Open.
I got your two best friends from college to come to share in our joy.
Yo, what up? Hey, man.
You hear TJ died? Oh, for real? What's up, Beav? Yo.
Magical.
Hey, gang! So, Brian, this is a Tommy Bahama.
Okay, so it is blue, it has buttons.
What do you think? - Whatever.
- Fantastic.
Let's try it on.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Buttons.
It's time for the big reveal.
Brian has just tried on the shirt.
Will it be fine or will it be back to the rack for Travis? Okay, let's see our prince! He looks amaze.
Friends, thoughts? Pretty cool.
Doesn't look too gay.
Okay, and you, Brian, what do you think? Is it everything you were hoping for? I guess.
You know what? I think we need to jack him up.
- What? - Stand over there.
Do it.
What? Let him jack you up, guy! Just trust me, just trust me.
- Now, look.
- I don't wanna look.
Look in the mirror.
Yes! This is my new main shirt.
Brian, are you saying "fine" to the shirt? Fine.
Oh! Fine, yes! A thousand times fine! I love it! This has been such a hard year for me.
I just never felt that good about myself and then I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I'm like I felt like a butterfly.
You know, at the end of the day, my real job is to make dreams come true.
Also, I'm a cashier at Petco.
How do you like when a guy dresses Like, what's his style? Fitting jeans, a fitting shirt, dark colors, nothing too outrageous looking.
So you want to forget the outfit, basically? - Pretty much.
- Yeah.
You are listening to the audio tour of The Museum of Boyfriend Wardrobe Atrocities.
When you hear the tone, move forward to the next display.
The man who wore this outfit was named Josh.
He met his girlfriend Jenna when they were both waiters at Legal Seafoods.
Tragically, this is what he wore to meet her parents.
Their relationship perished soon after.
Heather dated Mark and his bowling shirt for two years, and despite her protests, he insisted on wearing calf-high tube socks.
She tried her best to hide them, stashing them for weeks in their attic, but sadly, they were soon discovered and forced back into regular rotation.
What you see before you may not look so bad until you know that it was worn by Simon, age 55.
It's okay.
It's over.
You are now in the accessories wing.
One survivor recorded the following words.
First, he wore a braided belt, and I said nothing.
Then came that hat, and I said nothing.
Then he wore that fucking hemp necklace, and I was like, "Peace!" You are now entering The Hall of Sighs.
You will hear actual recordings of real girlfriends the moment they first bore witness to the horror of their boyfriend's mistakes.
Why are you wearing khakis? Where's what I bought you for your birthday? We're going to my sister's rehearsal dinner.
Birkenstocks? It's too cold for shorts and you know that.
I don't think this many guys wore this stuff.
Those numbers are exaggerated.
There are 5,200 pairs of Crocs in front of you.
Each one represents a relationship that was real and tangible until poor judgment tore it apart.
Did this really happen? It did, Gabby.
It did.
What is your least favorite thing that he wears? His sweatpants.
What's your least favorite thing that she wears? You could dangle a rag off her, she'd be beautiful.
You know the old saying, you can dangle a rag on her You are working out to couch sit, the workout you do from your couch.
Now unclench your fists and bring your hands together and apart.
That's right, give yourself a hand.
You did it! Yeah, I did.
Seamless? I just ordered.
Do I need to sign something? Uh, where's my Surf 'n' Turf? Excuse me? Um, hello? Hi, yeah, the whole point of ordering Seamless is so that you don't have to interact with anyone.
You're ruining that right now.
"I am Vlad, your mail order husband.
" "You ordered me at 4:00 a.
m.
Last week.
" No.
No, no, no, no.
- Hello? - Kimberly! Did you let me order a Russian muppet when I was on Ambien? Yeah, remember? You said you wanted to get your dick wet, but you're too famous for Tinder now.
That doesn't sound like me at all.
Okay, well, he's here! What should I do? Uh, stop taking Ambien? I I don't know.
Look, I have to go.
We're cuddling and watching Splash.
Ooh, Splash.
What channel? Hello? Thank you, Vlad.
I am thank you Vlad.
I'm Amy, your wife.
I think you should go.
I I go.
Yeah, you go now.
We go.
No.
No, you go.
I stay.
We stay.
No.
You What am I supposed to do with you? I make "hech"? We "hech.
" - That What is that? - I push-push in Ah.
No.
We're not We're not there yet.
Um Excuse me.
Please sign.
I have always wanted to do that.
That was amazing.
I would never have to talk to a delivery guy again.
Thank you, Vlad.
I could get used to this.
Amy and Vlad fell in love.
Then Vlad revealed his secret.
He was actually a merman.
They could only stay together if Amy lived with him in the sea.
Their passion would make it possible for her to breathe underwater.
She chose Vlad and they lived Guys, I'm super sorry.
I wrote this when I was on Ambien, and I don't know why we made it.
My bad.
Have you ever shopped online when you were drunk or high? Oh, all the time, yeah.
What's the worst thing you've ever gotten? I bought a, um A star.
Like, you name a star after you? I am not joking.
That is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life.
It's It's horrible, right? You're here to learn to evade and defuse, the ancient art of female emotional combat.
Is that a power you wish to possess? Yes, sensei! Jeff, you're up first.
Jeff, Kaitlyn is your girlfriend.
It's date night.
Bow and begin! You look really pretty tonight.
Oh, just tonight? You always look pretty.
You know, you never say "beautiful.
" Uh, I mean beautiful, it's just not a word I use.
That's interesting, 'cause in one of your old e-mails, you called your ex beautiful.
You were going through my emails? Hey, if you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a problem.
It's about privacy.
- Stop yelling! - I'm not yelling! Stop and bow.
What did Jeff do wrong? - I was born.
- Jeff, get in line.
First off, never give your girlfriend a temporary compliment.
She doesn't look pretty.
She is the most beautiful woman of all time.
Second, change your e-mail password every two hours.
And third, never change the volume of your voice.
Are we clear? Yes, sensei! Dave, step in.
Kaitlyn's your girlfriend.
You're eating dinner.
She's complaining about how you're chewing.
And you strongly suspect that she has her period.
How do you respond? Hey, I'm sorry about the chewing.
I'm working on it.
Uh, I know it bothers you, I'm trying to be more aware of it.
I know you're feeling crazy right now because you're on your period.
Unh! Hyah! Congratulations, Dave.
You're dead.
Try again, new scenario.
Kaitlyn is scowling at you for no reason.
Go! Hey, what's wrong? Nothing.
Stay calm.
Remember your training.
Honey, you remember what your therapist said? When you have a problem with something, you gotta communicate.
We'll talk whenever you're ready.
I love you and I'm always here for you.
Okay.
Excellent work.
Get back in line.
Remember, women can't deny the authority of therapy and, or Oprah.
Look at how docile Kaitlyn is.
Louis! Step in.
You'll be sparring with me today.
You quietly read that newspaper while I attack you.
Begin.
Why are you ignoring me? Hmm? I was just reading the newspaper.
But you couldn't even acknowledge that you heard my voice? I genuinely didn't hear you.
What did you say? Never mind.
If you wanted to hear me, you would have listened the first time.
Jesus.
You're acting like your mother.
Like your mother.
Mother Mother If you say that, there is no coming back and I can't help you.
That's all for today.
Leave me! I am not my fucking mother! Ah! Ah! You're acting like my mother.
How do you win an argument with a girl? I don't normally win.
- No? - No.
- You can buy stuff.
- Yeah.
Like, girls like shoes and shit.
That's true.
- Kurt, Keren - Yeah.
You are in an open relationship.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Let's Let's talk about it.
It's not like a free-for-all, but, uh, you know, occasionally you want to bang other people - Yeah.
so then, we let each other.
Um, whose idea was it? - It was me.
- Yeah, I - lf I had - Wham! His wiener is a big responsibility.
And I'm one person.
This is what I remember, we were watching Sister Wives You guys watch Sister Wives? - That's not what I would think.
- We did! - She does.
- Okay.
- And she was like - Everyone has.
You know, it would be handy to tag You know, to tag out to a sister wife.
- Mmm - And then, that's when she asked her friend, to, like, be that sister wife.
- I have a life to live, and I - Yeah.
But you want him to be happy.
Well, also, I didn't want her to just be with one dude - her whole life, you know? - Right.
That was the other part of it.
Right, 'cause you were a virgin.
Yes, I didn't think about that part.
It was right Right from the beginning.
The first time that Kurt had sex with your friend - Yeah.
- Where were you? - I think I was sleeping.
- Yeah, you went to sleep.
I think I just, like, left them to it.
Well, here's what it is, like, 90% of the time - Mmm-hmm.
- I just get tired.
- That sucks, we all know.
- And Kurt's gotta fuck! Yeah.
- That's what I told her.
- It's true.
- Get out of this house.
- He's got to get his - That time you had the flu.
- When did you have your first time hooking up with a different guy? I banged this guy who was my teacher, and I had a huge crush on him and wanted to, like, bang him the entire time.
Like, that first time, you were like, "Oh, my God, I've only had sex with Kurt.
" Yeah.
Now there's this new dick.
What What is it like? We had, like, fast, awkward, weird sex, but it was, like, that's the point.
- That's the point.
- And then I was, really Like, I needed someone to high-five afterwards.
All that matters My one My one rule is that she As long as she doesn't enjoy it, I'm happy.
Right, as long as it's not consensual - And it was a mess.
you're fine.
- I wanted her to get, well, a score, you know.
- Right.
My score's kind of ahead of hers, so I wanted her to, like, - even it up a little bit, you know? - Obviously.
Yes, yes.
Number of people is almost not relevant.
It's like, how much and, like, how much you're getting it in, you know what I mean? - I do.
I hear you.
- Like, and there was, like Butt stuff involved, and, like, just all the, like I had, like, - significant catching up to do.
- Whoa Oh.
Oh, you mean what I did? - Yeah, I mean what you did.
- Yeah, there was butt stuff.
You don't deserve all this.
Do you know that? I am a Christian woman.
I don't No, I mean, like, this sounds great for him, and I don't think Kurt deserves this much joy.
- Well, I didn't make it happen.
- Well, he's never appreciated it.
First of all, I didn't suggest that we do this.
- That was her idea.
- Yeah.
I don't think I could make someone Like, if it was my idea, I don't think it would have happened.
You guys were gonna get married and then what if you never had sex - Yeah! with anyone other than Kurt? That was not gonna happen.
I don't think that's a good thing.
I mean, I was raised to believe that's the The greatest thing, is, like, you just have sex - with one person.
- One person.
And I think that just, like, we One special tiny hole for you to call home.
Well, look, that works, if you're gonna stay in whatever your doomsday cult is, you know? If you plan on staying in that, then I guess that works, but if you gotta live in the regular world, there's too many, like, options.
- Right.
- And the truth is, like, we're not cheaters.
Like, I want to do it on the level, - you know what I mean? - Yeah.
Like, I don't want to sneak around.
I want it to be cool, and I just want to do, like, what is naturally what people wanna do.
- Yeah, and not resent each other.
- And not resent each other, yeah.
Yeah, it makes I don't know.
I think we kind of got Ended up closer from it, - if that's weird.
- Mmm-hmm.
I think so.
If that's even possible, 'cause we were already really close.
You were close.
How long have you guys been together? Seven years this past winter.
- Yeah, seven years, yeah.
- Wow.
And how long have you been in an open relationship? Like, literally since day one.
As soon as you saw his dick, you went, "I want my friend to meet you.
" Will you marry me? I can't! I met someone.
I understand.
Sorry.
So easy.
Mmm, magic.
No one has ever Said My mom never said it! Sorry.