Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s04e08 Episode Script

Everyone for Themselves!

1 (VO) You spend all day being the perfect boss.
And the perfect mom.
And the perfect wife.
But sometimes sometimes, you just gotta be a little bad.
Oh, shoot.
Guys, I gotta go finish some reports for work.
(VO) You need something sweet and salty, just like you.
(husband) Honey, are you eating something? No, I'm doing work reports.
(loud crunching) - Mommy? - Mommy's busy! (VO) Your little midnight snack is nobody's business.
Introducing new Shhhh-nacks, from Frito Lay.
Utilizing a patented silencing technology previously only available to secretly American-funded death squads in El Salvador.
New Shhhh-nacks let you hide the shame eating you do to fill the void left by such things as: your parents, your dad, your mom, both your parents, your bottomless, sad love life, your less-than-great hair and all magazines.
Not only are the bags silent, so are the chips.
(knocking) Susan.
You left in the middle of the meeting.
Is everything okay? Yep.
Just silently pooping.
(VO) If a chip falls in your stomach and there's no one there to hear it, are you really sad? New Shhhh-nacks, when you're trying to feed a hunger you can't let anyone know about because you're humiliated by basic human desires.
From the makers of Shame Spirals and Los Angeles.
Sync & tweaks by XhmikosR Hi there, Amy.
- How are you today? - Good.
Okay, so I am just gonna give you a quick breast exam.
Go ahead and lay back and relax.
Okay.
So, have you had any new sexual partners since the last time I saw you? Oh, nnn What do you consider sex? Penetration or? Well, no, there's all kinds of different kinds of sex.
Okay, then, yes, a bunch, but we used a condom.
- Their call.
- Okay, great.
So I'm gonna have you put your feet in the stirrups and I want you to slide all the way to the end of the table so that I can take a look at your pussy.
All the way down.
Like, slide your pussy all the way down to the end of the table.
Okay.
When was the last time you were bleeding out of your pussy? Um, two weeks ago.
Can-- Can you not refer to it as that? Oh, I'm sorry.
When were you menstruating out your pussy? No, the um The-- Can you not say "pussy"? Oh, yeah, sure, fine.
Whatever.
Okay, so I'm gonna take two fingers, I'm gonna put 'em in your hair pie.
I'm gonna feel around, apply some pressure to your ovaries and check you out for beav cancer, okay? - Listen - Oh, did I press too hard? I apologize.
- No.
- Okay, well, everything feels fine, so now I'm just gonna go ahead and clamp your clam open and then swab around the inside of your tuna taco - and I'll have you on your way.
- Yeah, no.
Can you just use the clinical term for vagina? I don't-- I don't see what's so hard about just saying vagina.
I don't understand.
Are you referring to your sausage wallet? - Sausage wallet? - You know, your lizard mouth.
Does it really feel normal to you to refer to it this way? I-- That would be like a proctologist calling a butt a-- (gagging) Butt? (wretching) Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I think I got some in your steaming hot pocket.
I'll get-- let me clean that up.
What is your favorite word for a pussy? Stink wrinkle.
- Stink wrinkle? - Yeah.
Ugh! Favorite word for pussy? (bleep).
(laughing) How do you refer to a woman's vagina? What's the word that you use? - I don't talk about it.
- Well, you gotta-- It's gonna come up at some point.
I've been married for 32 years, I don't-- - You have two kids.
- Yeah, they're boys.
They're boys, but what did they come out of? The uterus? You ought to teach a science thing or something.
- What do you call your vagina? - Oh, enormous.
You gotta respect that.
(group breathing deeply) All right, good breathing.
That's class, you guys.
Now, does anybody have any questions? Sure, Amy.
When I was just breathing just now, I started thinking, what if I don't feel connected to the baby? - I'm concerned about that, too.
- Me too.
Oh, thank you.
I think you guys are talking about postpartum depression, and that totally makes sense.
One out of every seven new moms does suffer from it.
Yeah, no, no, um You're saying, no, that's not true? I'm worried that, uh Our kid's just gonna have a shit vibe.
- Sorry, come again? - Okay.
I-- I'm, like, ehh You know? And he's, like, the worst, so I feel like, when we made a baby, so it'll just be like (raspberry) - Her dad's my boss.
- Gotcha.
So you're not talking about postpartum depression, you're just concerned that your baby's an asshole? Okay, yeah, like, that's what I'm talking about, too.
- And, like, off of what she said.
- Right.
I think, just ultimately, we're mostly afraid that he won't be chill.
Like, what if he can't hang? Or he hangs too hard and has one too many drinks and does that, like, slow-blinking thing.
Let's open it up.
Any-- Anybody else with some fears? Bats.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I should have been more specific that I meant fears about the baby.
Okay, I have a fear about my human baby.
- Okay, great.
- Um I'm really scared that my baby's gonna be blind.
And nocturnal.
And fly.
Okay, I think we're getting into bat territory again, and I want to steer us away from that.
Like a bat.
(group murmuring) Bats are everywhere, so.
(instructor) They're really not.
Let's stay on track.
We're just gonna talk about fears about the baby.
What about baby-- baby bats? (instructor stammering) We're not gonna go down the bat thing again this class, okay? Well, as long as it's black, though.
We're both black, so it's gonna be black.
- A black baby.
- It's gonna be black.
How many of you have even seen a bat? In real life? Okay, there we go.
You can't really get away from bats.
Let's just keep it on the discussion that we had going, which is: what your worries are about the baby.
Uh, we're Jewish, but we were afraid that our baby's going to be, like, too Jewish? Yeah.
Like, two sets of dishes Jewish.
And mark my words, no child of mine is gonna (bleep) through a sheet, okay? - Uh - My biggest fear is that our baby will want to participate in SantaCon.
That's where they dress up like Santa? I-- I won that.
A couple years ago.
I have to say yes, fear of a shit baby in this day and age, it's a-- it's a valid concern.
Okay.
Well, if we're really sharing things, I'm really afraid that our son is going to be on those dating apps and that his profile pic will be him wearing those new year's glasses where the numbers are the eyes.
Oh And what if he does something totally unforgivable, like rape? Or, um DJ'ing? Dads, you need to talk to your sons and say, don't DJ.
It starts in the home.
These are all really valid fears.
Look, your kids, they are gonna grow up to be pieces of shit and they will hate you.
But here's the thing.
All of you are also pieces of shit.
You really are.
Bat! (Amy) Bat! Everyone for themselves! (noisy sighing) - What's wrong, Amy? - Nothing.
- Oh, okay.
- No, I'll tell you.
I got stuck on another awkward date last night.
It's, like, you know in two seconds if the guy is wrong for you, but you still have to sit there through the whole dinner.
You need to try the website I'm on.
It keeps dating super casual.
I already tried It's Just Lunch.
It was still awkward.
I'm off that.
I'm talking about It's Just a Quick What's Up.
- It's Just a Quick What's Up? - Yeah.
When a guy decides he wants to briefly meet you, he'll send you a no-presh, super cash "slight nod".
Then when you respond with "I guess" using its patented sigh-activated technology, the app automatically will set up a time and place for you guys to walk past each other on the street.
- What's up? - What's up? Gosh, but ugh, what if even being close to a guy on the street makes me want to open my arms the right way? For just another 49.
99 a month, you can stand on a street corner and a guy will pass you in a double decker bus and wave.
What's up? What's up? If you want the premium package, for $75 a month, a guy in his 50s who doesn't want kids will buzz your door and say What's up? into the intercom.
How's it-- What's up? (Amy) Wow.
What if I just want him to buzz? Oh, my God, of course.
Everyone's on so much medication now that nobody wants to have sex anyway.
Yeah, I guess it's true what they say.
"It's better to have said a quick what's up and lost than to have never said a quick what's up" (sighing) Dating apps.
Mark is very familiar.
- Yeah.
- Mark, what-- Who have you said no to? Like, what was the situation where you said no to sex with a woman? Well, you had sex and it was bad, then I said no to the second one.
- How did you say no? - I didn't answer the phone.
That's a clear no.
I gotta tell you this, no story.
I told this woman no, I couldn't have sex with her because she started telling me about her son, - and how sick he was.
- Ooh, that's hot.
And how he had, like, eight surgeries.
This is in the middle of us trying to hook up, - she starts telling me that.
- Ugh.
And I was just like, yeah, I can't.
I can't do it.
And I'm sorry, but all I kept thinking was, is that gonna happen to me if I have sex with her? Like, you're gonna catch her son's thing? I know it's totally irrational, but that's what I kept thinking.
Like, it's her vagina's fault and I'm not going anywhere near that vagina.
What's the oldest woman you would have sex with? The oldest I've had sex with is 48.
How old were you? - Was that your virginity? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Really? - You lost your virginity to an older woman.
- Oh, yeah.
You must be-- You should be great in bed, then.
- No - No, there's no way.
- She was a real pro.
- Really? I couldn't keep up, yeah, and I think it scarred me.
That's why I would assume you were great.
Was she a real pro, like I think she was a prostitute, but she didn't charge me.
Okay.
(Australian dialect) My name's Tanya Chambers.
I'm a normal, sexually aggressive woman by day, but I have a very special gift, also by day.
I'm a snake doctor.
This snake is sick.
I fixed your snake! This snake is sick.
I fixed your snake! This snake is sick.
I fixed your snake! Everywhere I go, there are sick snakes that I have to help, because if I don't all the snakes will die.
I would have rather just brought him to a vet, to be honest, - but she's supposed to be the best.
- Hooroo! I'm here to fix your snake! Here, I brought Scandal with me to keep your snake calm, 'cause snakes like other snakes.
Whoa! Did it die already? Oh, no, she's just resting.
Thank you so much for coming, we're really worried about her.
Lizzie is the last gift that my mother got me before I'm sorry.
I just think if she died, it would be like losing my mom all over again.
We really appreciate you being here.
Cool, do you guys have any food? I feel like something hot.
Um, we have some soup left over.
Does it have any meat or sausage in it? - No.
- I don't want it, then.
Uh, Lizzie means a great deal to Amy and I, so Bloody hell.
No one told me you were Australian.
Is that a problem? Only if being horny as hell is a problem.
Uh, okay, well, Lizzie has not been herself.
She's not moving very much and she's getting night sweats.
Just take a look at her.
Oh! (screaming) What is it? I hate it! Lizzie! Lizzie? Lizzie! Lizzie is a lizard! I love snakes, but I absolutely hate lizards.
Lizards are a myth.
And she's been very weak.
She hasn't been moving very much lately.
Ugh, you should have gotten a snake.
They wriggle all over the place.
Do you think I should enter more crickets into her diet? Oh, look, you're clearly flipping out about this.
I need to talk to him on his own.
Is there a master bedroom we could go to? Uh, the kitchen's right over here.
Yeah, we could go to the kitchen.
No, you stay here, mind the leg snake! I could tell Trevor had a thing for me, plus, I needed to tell him what I was gonna do.
Listen.
Your snake's clearly gonna die unless I do surgery on it.
I don't find you attractive.
You'll come 'round.
- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will! Wait 'til you see me in the surgery! This room needs to be sterile.
You should get out.
Just me? Yeah, just you, Willie Nelson.
- It's all right, hon'.
- Quickly! Maybe I shouldn't be here either.
I haven't washed my hands.
Oh, neither have I.
It's cool.
We're hanging out.
(beeping) We're losing him! That snake was going to die, so I did the only thing I could.
I fixed your snake.
- Lizard! - Oh, well, actually, it's a snake now, 'cause I cut off his legs, so now he's just head, tummy, tail, snake! (screaming) Lizzie! You're welcome! (Amy sobbing) What's your favorite accent that you think is the hottest on someone? I like Australian.
- You do? - Yeah, I do.
- That's your favorite? - Yeah, I'm going to Australia.
I hope I just get it pounded in every hole, I can't wait.
- What about you? - Nothing beats Chicago.
You know her as my favorite live performer of all (bleep) time, give it up for Miss Bridget Everett! If you're gonna let somebody love you, you gotta let them love you all the way.
Even if you've been working all day and you got that two-show pussy cooking You like that shit? You sick (bleep).
I hope you're hungry The snack bell just rang It's like the first summer peach Work on the thing Oh watch it drip down your chin Ooh she getting juicy Make this bitch go crazy Like her name is Gary Busey Gonna lift up my skirt Show you where my (bleep) is Whip out your tongue Gimme 30 lashes Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Are you catching on yet, mother (bleep)? Eat it eat it Make that cream What you got down there in your panties, honey? What you got down there, huh? Huh? Short one long one It doesn't matter Just suck on this bean Feel it getting fatter You've had a bad day You're feeling like shit You wanna beat something up boy Beat up this (bleep) Here's the combination to my lovely lady locker She'll pop in your mouth Like Orville Redenbacher Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Put your hands up, bitch, yeah! Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Make that cream There comes a time in every young fella's life when he becomes a man.
Your time is now.
Snack club Oh Snack club It's what for dinner Snack club Oh You eat it you eat it Then you beat it up Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Come on and eat it eat it Eat it eat it Eat it eat it There's a little bit more.
Eat it eat it You're almost home.
Eat it eat it Eat it eat it One more! Eat it eat it Eat it eat it Eat it eat it You eat it you eat it then you beat it up God bless New York City! Okay, so, um, I don't know if any of you had a childhood, but I did and my favorite show was "The Muppet Show", and my favorite thing ever was when Rita Morena was on and she sang "Fever".
I've done four years of this show and I just feel like I've earned myself to live out this dream of-- I just want to sing the song, so Um, yeah.
Thank you! Thank you for letting me live it out.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right.
Never know how much I love you Never know how much I care When you put your arms around me I get a feeling that's so hard to bear You give me fever (mumbling) Morning time Fever-- Maybe, just, like, a little bit.
(mumbling) Sun lapped up the morning Moon lights up the night I light up when you call my name 'Cause I know you're gonna treat me right You give me fever Fever when you hold me tight Fever (mumbling) Fever all through the night You give me fever Hey, Quest? How about, let's-- Let's-- The night Sun lights up the morning Moon lights up the night I light up when you call my name 'Cause you know you gonna treat me right You give me fever (mumbling) Fevering through the night Fever How you kiss me Fever all through the night Fever all through the night Fever all through the night Fever all through the night Fever all-- She coming back? (laughing) (Amy, VO) So easy.
(man, VO) Mmm, magic.
Sync & tweaks by XhmikosR