Inside No. 9 (2014) s02e06 Episode Script
Seance Time
This way, please.
Thank you for being prompt.
Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Erm, what is it you do, if I may ask? I work in a phone shop.
Ah, from one line of communication to another.
Er, may I ask, have you ever made contact before? At the phone shop? Through mediumship.
Oh sorry.
I'm a bit nervous.
No, my sister recommended Miss Madam Talbot but I've never been to anything like this before.
Let me take your coat.
Would you care for a glass of water? No, I'm fine, thank you.
Please take a seat.
May I request if you do have a mobile telephone you switch it off now.
And I will tell Madam Talbot that you're ready.
Tina, please may you stand.
Yes, sorry.
May I present Madam Talbot.
You may be seated.
Why have you come here, my child? My sister saw you after she lost her husband.
I haven't actually lost anyone recently but I understand.
The curious are often drawn here, for a glimpse of Summerland.
What's Summerland? Good question.
It means the astral plain.
Let us see who may be waiting for you there.
Hives, Mary is sleeping now.
All is ready.
Let us link hands.
Sorry, sweaty palms.
Now, let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer.
If there are indeed any astrals here today .
.
please let yourselves be known to us.
Do not break the circle, Tina.
The circle is our protection.
Who calls? Please indulge us here on this earthly plain.
May we ask your name? Oh, God, I don't like it! Keep looking, Tina.
What is your name? Is there anyone amongst us here known to you? Tina! ~ Oh, shit.
~ Talk to it, Tina.
Ask it who it is.
~ I don't want to.
~ You must! ~ Who are you? I am in pain, Tina.
Help me.
What do you want me to do? I will come to you ~ I don't like it! I don't like it! ~ I'm here! ~ No! ~ Tina.
Do not break the circle, Tina! ~ Tina, you have to stop it! ~ I can't! You have to! I don't know how! ~ There's only one way! ~ How? By smiling at the camera and saying, "Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam!" What? Oh, my God.
It's you.
That's right.
Look through there.
Give us a wave and say, "Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam!" ~ I used to be such a massive fan.
~ I can't believe Just say it.
Hi, my name's Tina and I'm on Scaredy Cam!" All right, we got that, Terry, thanks.
John, did you hear we had a "shit" at 10.
02? Do you think we can get away with that? Shit for two bloodies.
Seems fair enough.
Thank you.
Right.
'Oh, Terry, while you're there, can we get you to do the link 'into part two please?' Yeah, could I get a cold Diet Coke please, Gemma? ~ 'Sure.
' ~ I'd like a Diet Coke as well, please, Gemma.
So, am I actually going to be on telly? Yeah, you'll be part of a montage.
We do it a few times to get the best reactions.
Brilliant, cos I thought they cancelled it.
They did, but it's back now.
~ On ITV? ~ No.
I'm ready.
'Yeah, we're rolling.
' So, join us after the break and we'll be counting down our top ten terrors and we reveal which rank you voted as our funniest ever fright.
Don't you dare go away.
Could you not move around when I'm recording, please? Incredibly distracting.
And there was a bear on the records.
Could someone shift it before we go again? I'll need to do checks on Anne before we go again.
And the little what is his name? Erm, I'm not sure.
My favourite one was with you as the gorilla and there was a child.
Yes, I know.
I was there, I did it.
Gemma, could you? Oh, yes, sorry.
Tina, do you want to come through with me? Just get you to sign some release forms.
~ Can I get a water please, Gemma? I'm parched.
~ Sure.
Terry darling, could you leave more of a gap before coming in with the, "Let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer" bit? I wanted to get on with the heavy breathing trancy stuff and I just felt it all got a bit trampled over.
Yes, Anne, no problem.
It's only a beat, but I think it's more dramatic, don't you? Absolutely.
It's a hidden camera show, not the fucking National Theatre.
And could someone bring me a foot stool, please? My ankles are swelling.
Could you try doing it without maybe sweating quite so much? Well, it's very hot in there.
I don't know why I have to be blue, anyway.
It's just in the script, wasn't it? Blue Demon Dwarf.
~ How's the nails? ~ Lost one.
Said I would, didn't I? Always happens.
Well, we'll have to find it, cos they're specially made.
So, erm, do you play a lot of demons? No, why do you say that? Well, anyway, a part's a part, isn't it? Doesn't matter if you're Dick Whittington's cat in Darlington for three months or Hamlet.
Have you played Hamlet? No.
Love to.
~ Amanda, sweetie? ~ Yeah? I need these contacts out before we go again.
I can't have red eyes, I'm on stage tonight.
Yes, sorry, Anne.
I'll go and fetch the solution.
Keep pressing on that.
So, are you treading the boards at the moment, Anne? Yes.
Anything good? ~ Not really.
Director's useless.
~ Hmm, what's wrong? He's a drunk, darling, shits the bed.
Right.
We had a tricky director on Whittington, actually.
Yeah, he sort of came from more of a physical theatre background and so made me do lots of character work about the cats but I'm allergic so Could you put the warm prop back in its box, please? It's pissing Anne off and I'll be getting calls from her agent again.
~ Sure, one second.
~ I don't know why I keep booking dwarves, they're always a pain in the ass.
Er, I don't think he's a dwarf, is he? Course he is.
Look at him.
~ How did that last one look anyway? Was it all right? ~ Good.
It was funny.
~ Funny? ~ And scary.
The girl was a bit dead-eyed, wasn't she? I've seen road kill with better reactions.
Sorry, would it be possible to get your autograph? ~ Yeah, course.
No problem.
What's your name? ~ Tina.
Erm, Terry, with this top ten thing, do you still want the scarecrow one at number one? Yes, please.
There you go.
Because I've been looking online and people seem to love the gorilla one.
Yeah, that's my favourite.
With the little boy.
It was so funny.
~ No, I don't want that one in the top ten.
~ When he wet himself.
Yeah, well, it was live TV.
We couldn't do anything about that.
~ Cos I was thinking, we could track the boy down, get him back.
~ No.
It's a public vote.
Just stick to the one I chose, OK? I'll get my own Diet Coke then, shall I? He comes over much nicer on the telly.
It's all done in the edit.
Ah, oh thank you, sweetie.
And could I have a tissue, please? I need to blow my nose.
I don't know why but wearing contacts always makes me snotty.
I have that when I eat a curry.
Anne, can I get you to step off for a little bit? The FX team needs to look at your ectoplasm pipe.
Oh, there's an offer you can't refuse.
No, I just need five minutes without being fiddled with.
I've got a performance of Hedda Gabler tonight and I'm not doing it looking like Christopher Lee.
Did you want a chair to rest your ankles on, Anne? No, thank you, I'm not an invalid.
Right, could we get you into position, please erm Mr Demon.
Can I have some water first? It's so hot in there.
It's stifling, Gemma.
We need air-con units, I said this last week.
You would not have cattle in this heat.
~ It is warm.
~ I'm serious.
You would not be allowed to keep cattle in this heat but actors it's fine.
Amanda, could you get the artists some water? OK, so can we get you ~ Terry, can I ask you something? ~ Yes.
In the original script I got sent it said the character was "spirit of little boy.
" ~ Yes.
We changed it.
~ Can I ask why? Because Blue Demon Dwarf is scarier.
~ But will it be in the credits as dwarf? ~ Because, obviously ~ What? ~ I'm not a dwarf.
~ Right.
~ Did you think I was? ~ No, course not.
Because I never would have taken the role if I'd known it was all going to be scary dwarf acting.
~ So what kind of acting do you normally do? ~ A variety, you know.
Like, I did a short film a few years ago, where I played this guy in a park who meets this really gorgeous girl with a dog.
And the dog keeps looking at me Yeah, one second and I do want to hear this Gemma.
Could you just tell me I've got to go and put my moustache back on? I don't want to get trapped with that, I can't bear it, OK? Terry, you've got to go and put your moustache on.
Oh, OK.
Will do.
Sorry.
Will someone mop up that water, please? That's how accidents happen.
Erm, I really do need you back in your hutch, I'm afraid.
~ Hutch? I'm not a gerbil! ~ Carl, all good? ~ Who wanted water? ~ Me! ~ Er, me, please! Oh, yeah, Terry said we needed a mop.
Oh, never mind.
Erm, can we get Anne's contacts back in as soon as possible, please? There's too much fiddling on this.
I was in and out of a coma for a BBC thing and it could have been a nightmare, but it wasn't because the prop guys were fantastic.
Can we check the lights? Did my water come? Sorry.
OK, roll cameras and good luck, studio.
This way, please.
Thank you for being prompt.
Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.
What is it you do, if I may ask? I'm really sorry, I think I've stood in some dog shit.
~ Er, oh.
~ Have a look.
Have you got a tissue or something? ~ Erm ~ It's everywhere.
Fucking hell.
~ No, please, let me take your shoe.
Sorry about this.
Meant to be lucky, innit? Or is that just if a bird shits on you? Yeah, it's just birds I think.
Yes.
A mate of mine was going out with this bird, yeah, and she wanted him to lie under a glass coffee table ~ I'll just take this outside, I won't be a moment.
~ All right.
~ What's he doing? ~ He's pulled it off.
Oh, God, we can't use any of this.
Shit! Fuck! What the fuck's that doing there? Shitting hell.
~ Fuck.
~ Huh? ~ This just stuck in my foot.
~ What is it? Dunno? Looks like a black nail or something.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe one of Madam Talbot's, I do apologise.
Erm, so have you ever made contact before? No, mate.
Don't really know what I'm doing here to be honest with ya.
~ My mate put me up to it.
~ Ain't that bothered, truth be told.
Great.
Er, well, if you'd like to take a seat here.
Er, may I request that if you do have a mobile telephone you switch it off now.
I will tell Madam Talbot you are ready.
All right, fella.
Martin.
It's me.
I'm at the ghost woman's house.
This better not be a fucking wind-up.
Ring me back.
Don't take me for a prick, yeah.
I've got better things to do.
We have to bleep all of this.
Cue Terry.
Peter, please may you stand.
May I present Ma Oh, hang on.
All right, that was quick.
Just left you a message.
.
.
Madam Talbot.
Fucking hell, here we go.
She's here.
Yeah, I'll call you later.
Cheers, buddy.
All right.
All right? You may be seated.
Hives, Mary is sleeping now.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to laugh.
Why have you come here, my child? My mate Martin said I should.
He said you're like Derren Brown.
He likes shit like that.
The curious are often drawn here, for a glimpse of Summerland.
I'm not curious.
Good question.
It means the astral plain.
What? All is ready.
What's wrong with her eyes? Madam Talbot suffers from cataracts, but she's only managed to get one done.
Let us link hands.
You're having a laugh, ain't ya? Now, let us bow our head.
Sorry.
Mummy.
What? Where's mummy? Anne? Now, let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer.
If there are indeed any astrals here today, we humbly ask you to give us a sign.
Anything? No? Shit.
Cue the dwarf.
~ Is there anybody here known to you? ~ Tina.
~ No.
~ Peter.
Whoa! Talk to it, Peter.
Ask it what it wants.
~ I'm here.
~ What do you want? Peter.
Shit.
What has happened, Hives? For I am blind and can only sense.
Yeah, all right, drop it, Anne.
What are you doing, you moron? ~ Peter, it's a prank.
It's a prank.
~ What? ~ You're being filmed for Scaredy Cam.
~ What's Scaredy Cam? Oh, fuck off, it's a hidden camera show.
Gemma, where do you find these people? ~ And someone tell Pepe and his friend we've stopped.
~ Carl.
I'm sorry, I didn't I just ~ Is he all right? ~ He's bleeding.
Ah, eww, not on the wig I hope.
It's a hire.
~ Are you OK? Oh, what is his name? ~ I never did hear it.
I want to say Tom for some reason, but am I thinking of Tom Thumb? He's just Blue Demon Dwarf on the call sheet.
Who cares what his name is? Just get him up.
Amanda, call an ambulance.
I told you there should have been a unit nurse.
~ I said on day one.
~ Only because you wanted free Lemsips.
Excuse me, eight shows a week and a telly in the daytime.
You'd be wanting medication.
~ I'm sorry, I thought he was a monster.
~ He's an actor.
Broadly speaking.
I didn't mean to hurt him, I just panicked.
Yeah, um We've got a little person.
He's been involved in an accident.
No, no he's not a child, he's sort of a short Oh, for God's sake, you can say dwarf! I'm not a dwarf.
He's come to.
Can you hear me? Well, he is blue at the moment, but he might not be underneath.
Would you take that outside, please, Amanda? Look, nobody bite my head off, but might I be permitted to take my slap off and go? I just can't do three hours of Ibsen on an empty stomach and I did spy a Yo Sushi on the corner.
~ Oh, shut up, will you, Anne? ~ I beg your pardon? ~ I said shut up, I'm trying to think.
~ How dare you! No-one has ever spoken to me like that before and I've done Shoestring.
Oh, my God, he's stopped breathing.
Oh, brilliant! This show got cancelled last time, cos a little boy pissed his pants on live TV.
We got 97 complaints and I ended up doing bingo adverts.
I'm not going back there, Gemma.
Do you understand me? He's dead.
Oh, God! ~ We'd better ring the police.
~ Oh, fuck's sake.
Goodnight, sweet prince.
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
I'm not too old for Gertrude, am I? Ambulance is on its way.
He's dead.
He died.
Oh, can I pop back in and grab the teeth then? They cost a fortune.
I wouldn't touch them if I were you.
~ The police will want to talk to us all.
~ I haven't done anything.
I've just been sitting on my make-up box the whole time.
Yeah.
Just go and wait in the green room.
They'll be here soon enough.
Why's it always me? I will need that wig though.
It needs to go back into storage.
What a shame.
It's fucking funny.
Where's Amanda? I need this contact out.
I look like Columbo.
She's in the green room.
Oh fine.
I'll de-rig myself then, shall I? All hands to the pump.
It's like doing profit share.
Police are on their way.
~ Well, I hope you didn't mention me.
~ I did.
Never heard of you.
What do you think'll happen? Probably cancel the series again.
Er, stop any repeats.
My contract won't be renewed and I'll be blacklisted from the channel.
No, I meant what do you think'll happen to me? Don't know.
It'll probably end up as a clip on YouTube.
Three million hits that pissing boy got, I didn't see a penny of it.
I'm sorry for spoiling your programme.
Oh, no, it's fine.
You were swearing too much anyway.
~ And that was before you murdered a dwarf.
~ I didn't murder him.
No, of course you didn't.
And if anything, it was his fault.
Whose fault? Little what's his face.
He missed his cue.
And what were you saying anyway? "Where's Mummy?" ~ What was all that about? ~ I don't remember.
I must have dried.
Same thing happened to me in A Taste of Honey at the Royal Exchange.
I suddenly went into a recipe for banana bread.
Audience never clocked.
Right, I'm going to get changed before the police get here.
Do you know, I was very nearly Marple.
They said I wasn't sweet enough.
Fuckers.
Look, it was an accident.
You can't predict these things.
Thanks.
Can I get my shoe back? ~ Oh, sure, er, it's in the corridor.
~ OK.
~ Yeah.
Don't worry.
It'll be fine.
Can we run a background check on him? ~ See if there's any history of mental illness.
~ What do you mean? Well, then it's all his fault, isn't it? We can pin it all on him.
Terry, that's the last thing on my mind at the moment.
I'm trying to save the programme.
Don't you want a career? Not if it means treating people like shit.
Well, you're in the wrong job then.
Yeah, maybe I am.
Good luck with your bingo adverts.
Yeah, well Les Dennis is doing them now so Oh, thank Christ.
Hello.
Are you all right? You had us all worried there for a minute.
Sorry, I don't know your name.
Spirit of little boy.
Er, no, we changed that.
Remember? I'm sad.
Yes.
Sorry about that.
Erm, well at least you're all right now.
~ I didn't like it.
~ No.
No, but, er, we're going to do everything in our power to make sure that guy gets prosecuted.
I didn't like it when you were the gorilla.
I was scared.
Gorilla? They all laughed at me.
It was easier to jump in the river.
What? Mummy didn't see.
It was cold in the water.
Tom-Tom didn't like it.
I'm sorry.
Er, I didn't know.
It was just a stupid bit of telly.
I didn't think.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, very funny.
Er, yeah, well done guys.
Very elaborate.
You nearly had me for a minute.
Yeah, hello.
I've got to hand it to you fella, you're a much better actor than I first Mummy.
Where's mummy? Terry, the police are here Oh, he must be in the other room.
Terry, what's happened? I'm on Scaredy Cam.
Thank you for being prompt.
Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Erm, what is it you do, if I may ask? I work in a phone shop.
Ah, from one line of communication to another.
Er, may I ask, have you ever made contact before? At the phone shop? Through mediumship.
Oh sorry.
I'm a bit nervous.
No, my sister recommended Miss Madam Talbot but I've never been to anything like this before.
Let me take your coat.
Would you care for a glass of water? No, I'm fine, thank you.
Please take a seat.
May I request if you do have a mobile telephone you switch it off now.
And I will tell Madam Talbot that you're ready.
Tina, please may you stand.
Yes, sorry.
May I present Madam Talbot.
You may be seated.
Why have you come here, my child? My sister saw you after she lost her husband.
I haven't actually lost anyone recently but I understand.
The curious are often drawn here, for a glimpse of Summerland.
What's Summerland? Good question.
It means the astral plain.
Let us see who may be waiting for you there.
Hives, Mary is sleeping now.
All is ready.
Let us link hands.
Sorry, sweaty palms.
Now, let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer.
If there are indeed any astrals here today .
.
please let yourselves be known to us.
Do not break the circle, Tina.
The circle is our protection.
Who calls? Please indulge us here on this earthly plain.
May we ask your name? Oh, God, I don't like it! Keep looking, Tina.
What is your name? Is there anyone amongst us here known to you? Tina! ~ Oh, shit.
~ Talk to it, Tina.
Ask it who it is.
~ I don't want to.
~ You must! ~ Who are you? I am in pain, Tina.
Help me.
What do you want me to do? I will come to you ~ I don't like it! I don't like it! ~ I'm here! ~ No! ~ Tina.
Do not break the circle, Tina! ~ Tina, you have to stop it! ~ I can't! You have to! I don't know how! ~ There's only one way! ~ How? By smiling at the camera and saying, "Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam!" What? Oh, my God.
It's you.
That's right.
Look through there.
Give us a wave and say, "Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam!" ~ I used to be such a massive fan.
~ I can't believe Just say it.
Hi, my name's Tina and I'm on Scaredy Cam!" All right, we got that, Terry, thanks.
John, did you hear we had a "shit" at 10.
02? Do you think we can get away with that? Shit for two bloodies.
Seems fair enough.
Thank you.
Right.
'Oh, Terry, while you're there, can we get you to do the link 'into part two please?' Yeah, could I get a cold Diet Coke please, Gemma? ~ 'Sure.
' ~ I'd like a Diet Coke as well, please, Gemma.
So, am I actually going to be on telly? Yeah, you'll be part of a montage.
We do it a few times to get the best reactions.
Brilliant, cos I thought they cancelled it.
They did, but it's back now.
~ On ITV? ~ No.
I'm ready.
'Yeah, we're rolling.
' So, join us after the break and we'll be counting down our top ten terrors and we reveal which rank you voted as our funniest ever fright.
Don't you dare go away.
Could you not move around when I'm recording, please? Incredibly distracting.
And there was a bear on the records.
Could someone shift it before we go again? I'll need to do checks on Anne before we go again.
And the little what is his name? Erm, I'm not sure.
My favourite one was with you as the gorilla and there was a child.
Yes, I know.
I was there, I did it.
Gemma, could you? Oh, yes, sorry.
Tina, do you want to come through with me? Just get you to sign some release forms.
~ Can I get a water please, Gemma? I'm parched.
~ Sure.
Terry darling, could you leave more of a gap before coming in with the, "Let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer" bit? I wanted to get on with the heavy breathing trancy stuff and I just felt it all got a bit trampled over.
Yes, Anne, no problem.
It's only a beat, but I think it's more dramatic, don't you? Absolutely.
It's a hidden camera show, not the fucking National Theatre.
And could someone bring me a foot stool, please? My ankles are swelling.
Could you try doing it without maybe sweating quite so much? Well, it's very hot in there.
I don't know why I have to be blue, anyway.
It's just in the script, wasn't it? Blue Demon Dwarf.
~ How's the nails? ~ Lost one.
Said I would, didn't I? Always happens.
Well, we'll have to find it, cos they're specially made.
So, erm, do you play a lot of demons? No, why do you say that? Well, anyway, a part's a part, isn't it? Doesn't matter if you're Dick Whittington's cat in Darlington for three months or Hamlet.
Have you played Hamlet? No.
Love to.
~ Amanda, sweetie? ~ Yeah? I need these contacts out before we go again.
I can't have red eyes, I'm on stage tonight.
Yes, sorry, Anne.
I'll go and fetch the solution.
Keep pressing on that.
So, are you treading the boards at the moment, Anne? Yes.
Anything good? ~ Not really.
Director's useless.
~ Hmm, what's wrong? He's a drunk, darling, shits the bed.
Right.
We had a tricky director on Whittington, actually.
Yeah, he sort of came from more of a physical theatre background and so made me do lots of character work about the cats but I'm allergic so Could you put the warm prop back in its box, please? It's pissing Anne off and I'll be getting calls from her agent again.
~ Sure, one second.
~ I don't know why I keep booking dwarves, they're always a pain in the ass.
Er, I don't think he's a dwarf, is he? Course he is.
Look at him.
~ How did that last one look anyway? Was it all right? ~ Good.
It was funny.
~ Funny? ~ And scary.
The girl was a bit dead-eyed, wasn't she? I've seen road kill with better reactions.
Sorry, would it be possible to get your autograph? ~ Yeah, course.
No problem.
What's your name? ~ Tina.
Erm, Terry, with this top ten thing, do you still want the scarecrow one at number one? Yes, please.
There you go.
Because I've been looking online and people seem to love the gorilla one.
Yeah, that's my favourite.
With the little boy.
It was so funny.
~ No, I don't want that one in the top ten.
~ When he wet himself.
Yeah, well, it was live TV.
We couldn't do anything about that.
~ Cos I was thinking, we could track the boy down, get him back.
~ No.
It's a public vote.
Just stick to the one I chose, OK? I'll get my own Diet Coke then, shall I? He comes over much nicer on the telly.
It's all done in the edit.
Ah, oh thank you, sweetie.
And could I have a tissue, please? I need to blow my nose.
I don't know why but wearing contacts always makes me snotty.
I have that when I eat a curry.
Anne, can I get you to step off for a little bit? The FX team needs to look at your ectoplasm pipe.
Oh, there's an offer you can't refuse.
No, I just need five minutes without being fiddled with.
I've got a performance of Hedda Gabler tonight and I'm not doing it looking like Christopher Lee.
Did you want a chair to rest your ankles on, Anne? No, thank you, I'm not an invalid.
Right, could we get you into position, please erm Mr Demon.
Can I have some water first? It's so hot in there.
It's stifling, Gemma.
We need air-con units, I said this last week.
You would not have cattle in this heat.
~ It is warm.
~ I'm serious.
You would not be allowed to keep cattle in this heat but actors it's fine.
Amanda, could you get the artists some water? OK, so can we get you ~ Terry, can I ask you something? ~ Yes.
In the original script I got sent it said the character was "spirit of little boy.
" ~ Yes.
We changed it.
~ Can I ask why? Because Blue Demon Dwarf is scarier.
~ But will it be in the credits as dwarf? ~ Because, obviously ~ What? ~ I'm not a dwarf.
~ Right.
~ Did you think I was? ~ No, course not.
Because I never would have taken the role if I'd known it was all going to be scary dwarf acting.
~ So what kind of acting do you normally do? ~ A variety, you know.
Like, I did a short film a few years ago, where I played this guy in a park who meets this really gorgeous girl with a dog.
And the dog keeps looking at me Yeah, one second and I do want to hear this Gemma.
Could you just tell me I've got to go and put my moustache back on? I don't want to get trapped with that, I can't bear it, OK? Terry, you've got to go and put your moustache on.
Oh, OK.
Will do.
Sorry.
Will someone mop up that water, please? That's how accidents happen.
Erm, I really do need you back in your hutch, I'm afraid.
~ Hutch? I'm not a gerbil! ~ Carl, all good? ~ Who wanted water? ~ Me! ~ Er, me, please! Oh, yeah, Terry said we needed a mop.
Oh, never mind.
Erm, can we get Anne's contacts back in as soon as possible, please? There's too much fiddling on this.
I was in and out of a coma for a BBC thing and it could have been a nightmare, but it wasn't because the prop guys were fantastic.
Can we check the lights? Did my water come? Sorry.
OK, roll cameras and good luck, studio.
This way, please.
Thank you for being prompt.
Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.
What is it you do, if I may ask? I'm really sorry, I think I've stood in some dog shit.
~ Er, oh.
~ Have a look.
Have you got a tissue or something? ~ Erm ~ It's everywhere.
Fucking hell.
~ No, please, let me take your shoe.
Sorry about this.
Meant to be lucky, innit? Or is that just if a bird shits on you? Yeah, it's just birds I think.
Yes.
A mate of mine was going out with this bird, yeah, and she wanted him to lie under a glass coffee table ~ I'll just take this outside, I won't be a moment.
~ All right.
~ What's he doing? ~ He's pulled it off.
Oh, God, we can't use any of this.
Shit! Fuck! What the fuck's that doing there? Shitting hell.
~ Fuck.
~ Huh? ~ This just stuck in my foot.
~ What is it? Dunno? Looks like a black nail or something.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe one of Madam Talbot's, I do apologise.
Erm, so have you ever made contact before? No, mate.
Don't really know what I'm doing here to be honest with ya.
~ My mate put me up to it.
~ Ain't that bothered, truth be told.
Great.
Er, well, if you'd like to take a seat here.
Er, may I request that if you do have a mobile telephone you switch it off now.
I will tell Madam Talbot you are ready.
All right, fella.
Martin.
It's me.
I'm at the ghost woman's house.
This better not be a fucking wind-up.
Ring me back.
Don't take me for a prick, yeah.
I've got better things to do.
We have to bleep all of this.
Cue Terry.
Peter, please may you stand.
May I present Ma Oh, hang on.
All right, that was quick.
Just left you a message.
.
.
Madam Talbot.
Fucking hell, here we go.
She's here.
Yeah, I'll call you later.
Cheers, buddy.
All right.
All right? You may be seated.
Hives, Mary is sleeping now.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to laugh.
Why have you come here, my child? My mate Martin said I should.
He said you're like Derren Brown.
He likes shit like that.
The curious are often drawn here, for a glimpse of Summerland.
I'm not curious.
Good question.
It means the astral plain.
What? All is ready.
What's wrong with her eyes? Madam Talbot suffers from cataracts, but she's only managed to get one done.
Let us link hands.
You're having a laugh, ain't ya? Now, let us bow our head.
Sorry.
Mummy.
What? Where's mummy? Anne? Now, let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer.
If there are indeed any astrals here today, we humbly ask you to give us a sign.
Anything? No? Shit.
Cue the dwarf.
~ Is there anybody here known to you? ~ Tina.
~ No.
~ Peter.
Whoa! Talk to it, Peter.
Ask it what it wants.
~ I'm here.
~ What do you want? Peter.
Shit.
What has happened, Hives? For I am blind and can only sense.
Yeah, all right, drop it, Anne.
What are you doing, you moron? ~ Peter, it's a prank.
It's a prank.
~ What? ~ You're being filmed for Scaredy Cam.
~ What's Scaredy Cam? Oh, fuck off, it's a hidden camera show.
Gemma, where do you find these people? ~ And someone tell Pepe and his friend we've stopped.
~ Carl.
I'm sorry, I didn't I just ~ Is he all right? ~ He's bleeding.
Ah, eww, not on the wig I hope.
It's a hire.
~ Are you OK? Oh, what is his name? ~ I never did hear it.
I want to say Tom for some reason, but am I thinking of Tom Thumb? He's just Blue Demon Dwarf on the call sheet.
Who cares what his name is? Just get him up.
Amanda, call an ambulance.
I told you there should have been a unit nurse.
~ I said on day one.
~ Only because you wanted free Lemsips.
Excuse me, eight shows a week and a telly in the daytime.
You'd be wanting medication.
~ I'm sorry, I thought he was a monster.
~ He's an actor.
Broadly speaking.
I didn't mean to hurt him, I just panicked.
Yeah, um We've got a little person.
He's been involved in an accident.
No, no he's not a child, he's sort of a short Oh, for God's sake, you can say dwarf! I'm not a dwarf.
He's come to.
Can you hear me? Well, he is blue at the moment, but he might not be underneath.
Would you take that outside, please, Amanda? Look, nobody bite my head off, but might I be permitted to take my slap off and go? I just can't do three hours of Ibsen on an empty stomach and I did spy a Yo Sushi on the corner.
~ Oh, shut up, will you, Anne? ~ I beg your pardon? ~ I said shut up, I'm trying to think.
~ How dare you! No-one has ever spoken to me like that before and I've done Shoestring.
Oh, my God, he's stopped breathing.
Oh, brilliant! This show got cancelled last time, cos a little boy pissed his pants on live TV.
We got 97 complaints and I ended up doing bingo adverts.
I'm not going back there, Gemma.
Do you understand me? He's dead.
Oh, God! ~ We'd better ring the police.
~ Oh, fuck's sake.
Goodnight, sweet prince.
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
I'm not too old for Gertrude, am I? Ambulance is on its way.
He's dead.
He died.
Oh, can I pop back in and grab the teeth then? They cost a fortune.
I wouldn't touch them if I were you.
~ The police will want to talk to us all.
~ I haven't done anything.
I've just been sitting on my make-up box the whole time.
Yeah.
Just go and wait in the green room.
They'll be here soon enough.
Why's it always me? I will need that wig though.
It needs to go back into storage.
What a shame.
It's fucking funny.
Where's Amanda? I need this contact out.
I look like Columbo.
She's in the green room.
Oh fine.
I'll de-rig myself then, shall I? All hands to the pump.
It's like doing profit share.
Police are on their way.
~ Well, I hope you didn't mention me.
~ I did.
Never heard of you.
What do you think'll happen? Probably cancel the series again.
Er, stop any repeats.
My contract won't be renewed and I'll be blacklisted from the channel.
No, I meant what do you think'll happen to me? Don't know.
It'll probably end up as a clip on YouTube.
Three million hits that pissing boy got, I didn't see a penny of it.
I'm sorry for spoiling your programme.
Oh, no, it's fine.
You were swearing too much anyway.
~ And that was before you murdered a dwarf.
~ I didn't murder him.
No, of course you didn't.
And if anything, it was his fault.
Whose fault? Little what's his face.
He missed his cue.
And what were you saying anyway? "Where's Mummy?" ~ What was all that about? ~ I don't remember.
I must have dried.
Same thing happened to me in A Taste of Honey at the Royal Exchange.
I suddenly went into a recipe for banana bread.
Audience never clocked.
Right, I'm going to get changed before the police get here.
Do you know, I was very nearly Marple.
They said I wasn't sweet enough.
Fuckers.
Look, it was an accident.
You can't predict these things.
Thanks.
Can I get my shoe back? ~ Oh, sure, er, it's in the corridor.
~ OK.
~ Yeah.
Don't worry.
It'll be fine.
Can we run a background check on him? ~ See if there's any history of mental illness.
~ What do you mean? Well, then it's all his fault, isn't it? We can pin it all on him.
Terry, that's the last thing on my mind at the moment.
I'm trying to save the programme.
Don't you want a career? Not if it means treating people like shit.
Well, you're in the wrong job then.
Yeah, maybe I am.
Good luck with your bingo adverts.
Yeah, well Les Dennis is doing them now so Oh, thank Christ.
Hello.
Are you all right? You had us all worried there for a minute.
Sorry, I don't know your name.
Spirit of little boy.
Er, no, we changed that.
Remember? I'm sad.
Yes.
Sorry about that.
Erm, well at least you're all right now.
~ I didn't like it.
~ No.
No, but, er, we're going to do everything in our power to make sure that guy gets prosecuted.
I didn't like it when you were the gorilla.
I was scared.
Gorilla? They all laughed at me.
It was easier to jump in the river.
What? Mummy didn't see.
It was cold in the water.
Tom-Tom didn't like it.
I'm sorry.
Er, I didn't know.
It was just a stupid bit of telly.
I didn't think.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, very funny.
Er, yeah, well done guys.
Very elaborate.
You nearly had me for a minute.
Yeah, hello.
I've got to hand it to you fella, you're a much better actor than I first Mummy.
Where's mummy? Terry, the police are here Oh, he must be in the other room.
Terry, what's happened? I'm on Scaredy Cam.