Inside No. 9 (2014) s09e01 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
some strong language
For the purposes
of safety and security,
CCTV is in operation
at this station
and across
all underground lines.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I've just been informed
the next station is closed.
This train will not be stopping
at the next station.
For God's sake!
What was that? I missed it.
We're not stopping
at the next station.
Ah. Thank you so much.
- Do you mind?
- Sorry, bro.
I'm just looking at the map.
- Do you know what the next
station's going to be? - No.
- I thought I recognised her from something.
- Which one?
The lady with the teeth.
You'll have to narrow it down,
Gerry.
She was the maid
or whatever she was.
What maid?
There wasn't a maid.
It was set in a shoe factory.
Well, the boss, then. I can't
remember all the details.
She was in Crown Court.
That was 50 years ago.
Not Crown Court, The Crown.
Well, who was she in that?
I think she was
Princess Margaret.
Lesley Manville?
Well, it might have been.
People have to work, Edie.
We haven't just seen
Lesley Manville
in an amateur production
of Kinky Boots, Gerry.
Frig me! Is there a homeless
convention in town this week?
- What?
- Behind you, you blind bitch.
If you're looking for your dad,
he's over there.
Don't, Wilm, he can't help it.
I think he's kind of cute.
Fine, go ahead
and shag him, then.
Least you won't have to pay
for his taxi fare home.
BOTH SNIGGER
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Very sorry to bother you.
I hope you're all having
a wonderful evening.
But as you can probably tell
from my appearance,
I'm sleeping on the streets
at the moment.
I'm asking if it would be possible
for any of you good people
to help me out with
a little bit of spare change.
I'm so embarrassed
to have to ask you like this,
but I don't have any options
at the moment.
I'd really appreciate
anything you can give
to help me out
at this difficult time.
- I'm sorry, darling.
- I don't have any change.
No-one does.
I need a card machine.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
What do you want to
do that for, bro?
They can track you
if you use cards.
- Who can?
- Them, innit? They're watching us right now.
No cards, cash only.
Do you have any cash?
Uh, no.
Here you go, dear.
Oh
- Thank you.
- Sorry it's not much.
That's all right,
I appreciate it.
- Every little helps!
- Yeah?
Stop it, Edie.
He won't know Tesco's.
I didn't mean Tesco's.
I was just saying it
as a phrase.
Just don't get involved.
Oh!
Jesus! Are you OK?
- Are you OK?
- You all right, bro?
Yeah
You are kidding me!
Very sorry
for the power outage,
ladies and gentlemen.
Do please sit tight
while we try and get things
up and running again.
Hopefully it won't be long.
I heard some passengers
got stuck in a tunnel
for two weeks
on the Berlin U-Bahn system.
Power failed
and they were trapped inside.
The authorities
couldn't get to them.
They sat in the dark,
panic slowly setting in.
Then they ran out of water.
They turned on each other
in the end.
The weakest ones got eaten.
Jesus,
I'd rather eat my own tits
than chow down
on his gamey old meat.
- Be like eating a pigeon.
- Beg your pardon?
I mean, my gag reflex is legendary,
but I draw the line at that.
Stop it!
- You should have more respect.
- Oh, keep your nose out, Melania Tramp,
or I'll put some buttons
in with your change.
What did you call me?
- What is it?
- Someone grabbed me.
Who did?
I don't know. I don't know.
- You all right?
- Yeah, I think so.
All right. All right.
They They pulled my bag
and I dropped it. Sorry.
Are you hurt?
No, I don't think so.
Were they going for
the breasts, do you think?
- Gerald! - What?
I'm just trying to establish the facts.
What's happened now?
We're not sure.
It's a sex pest
in the carriage.
Operates in the dark.
- My purse has gone.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, it was in here. I just
had it and now it's gone.
Strike that.
Sex pest and thief.
Will you stop saying that word?
- What word? Sex pest?
- Yes!
Sit down, please.
I've got this.
OK, young man
empty your pockets.
What?
Empty your pockets.
This lady has had
her purse stolen.
What's that got to do with me?
I don't know yet.
Why am I being singled out?
I don't mean to be insensitive,
but you're the only one
begging for money here.
That doesn't mean I'm a thief.
- Then empty your pockets.
- No.
- And she had her breast pinched.
- Gerald!
No, no. No-one did that.
Poor woman's blotted it out.
Coping mechanism.
- Will you be quiet, please?
- Sorry.
- Honestly, sir, I haven't done nothing.
- He doesn't have to
empty his pockets for you.
You're not the police.
He might be.
They put them on trains
undercover. I've seen 'em.
Look, the thief is definitely
on this carriage.
In the absence of the law,
I just want to check.
I'm only trying
to help this lady.
That's reasonable enough.
Absolutely it is.
And if he needs
strip-searching,
I've got some Vaseline and
latex gloves in me fanny pack.
She gave me £2.
Why would I rob from her?
- Well, that's the oldest trick in the book.
- What is?
You remember what happened
with Sting's accountant?
He thought they were friends.
Scammed him for six mil.
It's hardly the same thing, Gerry.
They always start small.
I don't mind
showing you my bags.
Ah, there you are, you see.
Thank you, sir.
It's all perfectly fine.
There's nothing to hide
if you've got nothing to hide.
Huh?
That's great. Thank you.
I do have more.
That's fine.
Don't you want to check them?
No, it's OK.
I trust you.
I wouldn't if I were you, miss.
Not plugged in.
We don't mind being searched,
do we, Edith?
Well, yes, but
Just to rule ourselves out.
We've been to the theatre.
We enjoy Gilbert and Sullivan.
We're not hoodlums.
Honestly, you don't have to,
it's fine.
Did you have much money in it?
No, not much.
But all my cards.
Well, don'tdon't use cards.
Why will no-one
listen to me about this?
And a photograph of my father
which
I wouldn't want to lose that.
Well, look,
I am happy to comply
and show that I haven't got it.
Edith? Edith.
Um
This is just a car coat,
so it doesn't have pockets,
and there is nothing
in my handbag.
Well, two apple cores.
You see?
That's what honest,
decent citizens do.
Now
are you going to let me
check your pockets?
Thank you.
Wasn't so hard, was it?
Speak for yourself, darling.
I found it quite erotic.
Don't be so childish.
Well, I bet you've never tried
to keep a tuck with a semi on.
Shall I speak to the driver?
Tell him
there's been an incident.
Good idea. Proper authorities.
What about your pockets,
Chief Inspector?
Can we look in them?
Yes.
Of course.
You see?
No-one is above the law.
You can't just do what you want
without consequences.
That's true. I snipped our
neighbour's hydrangeas back
and they planted bamboo
out of spite.
The drive's ruined, isn't it,
Gerry?
I'm afraid so.
It was an act of madness,
and now we live
with the encroachment.
Shafts of it poking through
the tarmac like Hydra's teeth!
Have you tried boiling water?
Of course we have!
It can't be stopped!
Sorry.
Who you working for?
Highton Grammar.
I'm a physics teacher.
No, no, no, I don't trust him.
He's been spying on us
the whole time.
Don't be ridiculous.
Yeah. You've been writing stuff
down about us in code.
That's a polygon.
Yeah! Look -
"actor", "fake", "taskforce".
It's a puzzle.
You have to make words
from the letters they give you.
Oh, I'm good at those,
let me see.
You're collating.
I see you collating.
Collating what?
Data. For them.
There's a bigger picture, yeah?
Yeah, we're all being
monitored. You must know that.
Yes! It's aliens.
I've seen them too.
They experimented on me
at a bus stop in Preston.
They put an R2-D2 in my bottom.
To scale, obviously.
He's not joking.
How do you know?
He's got it in that bag.
Oh, my God.
Speaking of bags,
can we see inside yours?
Definitely not.
Private property.
- Everybody else has.
- I said no.
Why not?
What have you got to hide?
Oi, fuck off, man.
I'm so sorry.
II didn't mean to cause
this much upset.
Don't worry,
it's not your fault.
I'm just a bit shaken.
I've never had
anything stolen before.
Well, I'm sure the police
can sort it all out.
- We'll make a statement, won't we, Gerry?
- Yes, of course.
I'm sorry, but I'm not saying
shit to the police.
I wouldn't trust them
as far as I could throw them.
Hardly surprising, is it?
Why'd you say that?
Oh, no reason.
No, go on.
If you've got something to say,
I think you should say it.
I've been a teacher
for 25 years.
I've seen the erosion
of respect for authority.
There was a time when
I would walk into a classroom
and 30 students
would stand up immediately.
Oh, is that what you want?
"Good morning, sir."
This lady is a nurse!
It wasn't so long ago
we were standing in the street
applauding their efforts.
Or maybe you never bothered?
No, maybe I never did.
Do you have a list of everyone
who banged a pan?
Oh, the Government do.
They see everything.
We were out there at least
three times, weren't we, Edith?
Although that Le Creuset
was bloody heavy.
# As some day it may happen
that a victim must be found
# I've got a little list
I've got a little list
# Of society offenders
who may well be underground
# And who never
would be missed
# Who never would be missed
# There's the pestilential
Frig me,
it's like Hamilton for hobos.
- It's from The Mikado.
- Oh!
#People who have
flabby hands
# And irritating laughs
# All children who are
up in dates and floor you
Thank you, darling.
We'll let you know.
# All persons
who in shaking hands
All right! All right,
let's stop playing silly buggers.
- Open the bag.
- No.
Well, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to insist,
because you were closest
to this lady
- when the incident occurred.
- Stay the fuck away from me.
# They never would be missed. #
If If I could make a suggestion?
Let's take a vote.
See what the general feeling is.
Very good, Edith.
Democracy manifest.
Everyone who thinks
Sorry,
I didn't catch your name.
I didn't give you my name.
Well, we could vote
on whether he should.
No, he doesn't have
to give us his name, it's fine.
Harold. My name's Harold.
Oh, hello, Harold.
I'm Edith, and this
is my husband, Gerry.
Hello.
Binks. Raymond Binks.
I'm Elena.
It's very nice to meet you all.
Well, my boy name is Jonathan -
urgh, gives me the ick -
but my drag name
- is Wilma Dickshow.
- Wilma?
- Dickshow.
- Right.
I do a bottomless brunch
first Thursday of every month
at the Purple Sock. I know -
I'll put you all
on the guest list.
Gerry and Edith. Elena.
What was your name again?
I'm not giving you my name,
all right?
Oh, damn it. I thought
I was going to Columbo him then.
He doesn't have to give you
his name. He doesn't have to
give you anything. Just because
you assume authority,
like the fascist prick
that you are.
Well, when the police
become involved,
we'll all have to
give our names, won't we?
- I won't.
- You tell him, Cleo Oh, bum cheeks!
All right, this has gone on long
enough. Is there anybody here
who thinks I shouldn't look
inside this young man's bag,
- by force, if necessary?
- Yes!
Come on.
Well, someone's
nicked her purse, darling,
and it wasn't me.
There you are, see?
- Hand it over.
- Oi, oi!
What you doing, man?
- Is no-one going to stand up to him?
- Give it to me.
Someone stop him!
Me again, folks.
Sorry about
the continuing loss of power.
We should be on our way
fairly shortly.
We are aware
there's been an incident
in one of the carriages,
and the proper authorities
have been informed.
Once again,
I apologise for
any inconvenience caused.
Can I have my newspaper back,
please?
Oh, yes.
I got "frock", unsurprisingly,
and "fork".
I wanted "cock"
but there's only one C.
Did you know
that "Meryl Streep"
is an anagram
of "try eel sperm"?
It's always tickled me.
What did the driver say?
He said there's a replacement
service on the way.
Shouldn't be long now.
Well, looks as though
I'm going to be late for work.
I'd love to be late for work.
My job's 24/7.
Your job?
Surviving.
Do you make much money
going up and down?
No.
People are just embarrassed.
I get it.
I'm asking for generosity.
It puts them in the position
of deciding to be kind or not.
Do you think people
are not kind?
I think most people
don't believe me
when I tell them
I've got nothing.
They think it's a con,
I'm just lying.
At the hospital,
I see the opposite.
Lots of frightened people
trying to make sense
of what's happening to them.
They just really want to know
that everything's
going to be all right, but
..sometimes they can't
accept the truth.
Here
You can have your £2 back.
Oh, no, no. You keep that.
- Are you sure?
- Hmm. Yeah, course.
Hope it brings you luck.
Says here
they're doing Salad Days
for their Christmas show.
Shall we book for that, Edie?
- Boxing Day treat?
- Hmm?
Shall we book Salad Days
for Christmas?
No. I don't want to see
Salad Days.
What's the matter?
I think that man's a bully.
- Who?
- The teacher.
Why do we always
let people like him bully us?
We're people in our own right.
We have our own opinions.
Yes, of course we do, but
we don't have to blurt them out
to every Tom, Dick and Harold,
do we?
I don't know. I think we just
sunk into ourselves.
Anything for a quiet life.
Well, there's nothing wrong
with that, is there?
What happened to you, Gerald?
You used to be such a firebrand.
When you had
that trouble at work,
you were the first one
to lead your team out on strike.
Standing there with your
whistle and your megaphone.
That was a long time ago, Edie.
I came and brought you soup.
Do you remember?
In a big pot with a ladle.
And we all sang that song
from Oliver!
Food Glorious Food.
What is it, love?
What's the matter?
I want more, Gerry.
I want more!
Here, it's your favourite.
All Too Well.
What?
You're not going to have an eppy
because I didn't
put my hand up, are you?
I can't believe
you'd let him get away with that.
Oh, Cleo, come down
off your high horse, darling.
It's exhausting.
He assaulted
those two young men.
Yeah, and we had front-row seats.
Lucky us.
It's not every day
you get a free sex show
on your train ride home, is it?
I should have filmed it
for OnlyFans -
The Teacher, The Tramp
And The Terrorist.
He's not a terrorist.
Why is he a terrorist?
He was clinging onto that bag
tighter than Judy Finnegan
to a wine glass.
And I bet he grew that beard
to hide his face
from the cameras.
Not everyone with a bag and
a beard is a terrorist, Wilma.
Yeah, and not everyone
who tapes their knob
to their arsehole
is a drag queen but You know.
- I think she may be right.
- Thank you.
Where are you heading to?
None of your business, man.
You didn't seem
to know the area, that's all.
Look, I'm not explaining myself
to you. I'm not on trial,
I'm not at school.
I've done nothing wrong.
"The lady doth protest
too much, methinks."
Shakespeare.
Well, they're sending
somebody to help us.
Maybe we should just wait.
Yeah.
Well, I believe him.
Thank you.
- Not you. Him.
- Oh.
That's not a particularly
glowing endorsement
coming from a common thief.
I'm not a thief.
Crawling up and down
the train carriage all day,
begging for change!
You work your fingers
to the bone!
Shut your mouth!
I'm with you. Someone's got to
stand up to the man.
Exactly.
And he's been lording it
over us this whole time
like he's better than us.
Well, you're not!
And the rest of you
can sit there and do nothing
but I'm taking
affirmative action.
There's still more of us
than there are of you.
No, there isn't.
Excuse me.
Edith, what are you doing?
I think you're a bully,
and I don't think it's fair,
what you've been doing.
Look, look, look.
I want another vote.
If the majority of people
want to see inside this bag,
then you can, and I won't stop you.
Good, because I do.
Squash this little rebellion
and then prove that I'm right.
Gerald?
I agree.
Elena?
Sorry.
And
this gentleman?
Oh, my gosh,
it's come all down to me.
It's like Kramer Vs Kramer.
Who do I choose?
Ickle, ockle, chocolate bottle,
ickle, ockle, out,
turn the dirty dishcloth
inside out.
Everything's just
a big fucking joke
to you, isn't it, Jonathan?
Um, pretty much, yeah.
You can't see through
all those fake lashes and mascara
that here, in the real world,
there is injustice happening
everywhere you look.
And if you thought about
anybody else but yourself
for at least 30 seconds,
you'd realise that!
Oh, I know all about
the real world,
Cleopatra, darling.
I've been laughed at, beaten up,
had dog shit
pushed through my letterbox.
There's no need
to tell me about injustice.
And if I want to paint my face
and lip-sync to Lady Gaga,
then that's just
my way of dealing with it,
all right? Just like yours
is rebelling against
your posh-as-fuck upbringing
by getting a little nose-ring
and tottering after me
like the ghastly little fag hag
that you are.
I'm with you, Daddy.
When did you get so mean?
Blessed are the mean,
for they will inherit
the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger
and thirst after righteousness,
for they will be killed.
Hey, you can look inside now.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown no mercy.
What is this?
Blessed are
the pure in heart
..for they will seeGod.
What the fuck?
Gerry?
Put them on.
You've got about 20 seconds.
Harold and I don't need them.
What's happening, Gerry?
It's all right, Edie.
Deep breaths.
It doesn't hurt.
Gerry!
Help us!
Help!
Gerry!
Gerry!
Sorry about the inconvenience.
The purse was just
an inciting incident.
Oh, you can take these off now.
It's fine.
It's fine.
No hard feelings, eh?
W-What's going on?
Well, we implement this action
from time to time.
Swap out the disruptors,
anybody who challenges
the status quo.
But you all have
nothing to worry about.
What do you mean?
Now, if you could just sign here.
It just confirms that you
took no part in today's events
as they never actually happened.
Oh, and tick the box if you'd
be interested in helping us
in the future.
We really need people like you,
Elena, actually.
People who don't get involved.
Thanks.
Great.
What about these people?
Well, you can see them.
They're right here.
Only now, like you
..they wouldn't say
boo to a goose.
Isn't that right, Gerry?
Oh, that's right, sir.
Great. Great.
We do apologise for the delay
in your replacement service
today.
This was due to an earlier
disruption on the line
which has now been rectified.
We do hope you have
a safe onwards journey.
Hey, guys. Um,
just three people today,
two females and a male.
Yep, great.
Edith?
Yes?
When we get home, shall we
book to see Salad Days?
Yes, I think we should.
If you see something
that doesn't look right,
speak to staff or text British
Transport Police on 61016
and we'll sort it.
See it.
Say it.
Sorted.