Inside No. 9 (2014) s09e03 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
strong language
Ugh. Bloody hell.
- Morning.
- Oh, hiya, Larry.
Foxes, is it?
Yeah. Either that, or Damon's
had the midnight munchies.
I might put poison down,
that'd soon stop 'em.
Best to use a brick.
- A brick?!
- Well, that's what I do.
I don't think the animal cruelty
people would be too happy with that.
No, I mean to put on top of the bin,
- so they can't knock it over.
- Oh, yeah.
- Are you settling in all right?
- Not bad.
We're still living out of boxes,
but we're getting there.
Now, Popcorn, you come here!
Ooh, he's a beggar for food!
Fill your boots, Popcorn!
Saves me picking it all up!
Anyway, as I say,
anything I can do, let me know.
Thanks, Larry.
- Ah, see you.
- Yeah.
Come on, you. Mind the road, please.
This way. Good boy.
- They look so false, don't they?
- Oh, God, yeah.
One for the winter newsletter,
I think!
- Ban plastic now.
- OK.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Oooh.
- Are they in?
- I think so, I'm not sure.
- I've never seen them yet.
- Right.
Oh, here we are.
We're not stopping, right? - No.
- Yeah?
- Hello.
We just thought we'd come over
and introduce ourselves.
Ken and Sheila from number eight.
Oh, hi. Damon.
Damian?
- No. Damon.
- Oh, Damon!
Like, er, like, er, like the jam.
- That's damson, you dozy sod!
- Oh, yes!
Ignore him.
How are you settling in?
Yeah, good, thanks.
Still living out of boxes,
you know?
Yes, we'd noticed
a lot of takeaway bikes.
I said to Ken, "She's probably not
got her kitchen up together yet."
- Yeah, well.
- Yeah, well. Anyway
- Yeah. - There's a cauliflower
quiche in there for you.
Oh! Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Very kind.
Probably healthier than
all those curries and whatnot!
It's, er, it's Valerie,
your wife, isn't it?
Yeah, Val, yeah.
She's at work at the moment.
Yeah, we've seen her
driving off every morning.
Not had a chance to say hello yet.
How do you find the Peugeot?
I've heard mixed reports.
Yeah, it's fine as a runaround,
but looking to get an electric next.
Oof, good luck!
Tricky customers
if they break down, I believe.
They run off an iPad, don't they?
I'm learning to drive at the moment,
but Ken won't take me out
in our car.
Well, we've got a Volvo estate,
Damon, can you blame me?!
Well, how am I supposed
to practise, then?!
Well
Anyway, tell Val to pop round for
a cuppa whenever she wants.
- Hmm, yeah. - And when you're all
settled in, well, we'll, er
Well, we'll have some supper.
..we'll have to have you round
for some supper, yeah.
Yeah, lovely. Thank you.
- And, er, just a little tip.
- Yeah?
I noticed you'd got
some boxes out for recycling.
But you have to break it down
and put it in the bin
with the lid fully closed,
otherwise they won't take it.
Oh, OK. Well, they did
actually take it, so
- Yeah, well, just for future reference.
- Right.
Bring the Tupperware back whenever,
no need to wash it.
Thanks, Sheila, very kind.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Bye.
Take care.
- Oof!
- Well!
- Were those pyjama bottoms?
- I've got no idea.
Turn that down, please!
Why do you keep
turning it down?
Because it's too loud!
I can't hear the telly.
You've never liked my taste
in music, we know that.
Yeah, well, you're not at
the Hacienda now, you know?!
Oh, hey, here she comes,
I told you.
Oh, don't worry.
Probably just lost her broomstick.
Yeah.
- Hiya, Sheila.
- Hello! My goodness!
You're a pair of busy bees,
aren't you?
Yeah, we love Halloween,
we always make a big thing of it.
So I can see.
You won't be doing any more
than this, though, will you?
How do you mean?
Well, we don't want to attract
the, er, mischief-makers
from the estate, do we?
Oh, they're only kids.
Yeah, I-I know, but as you can see,
nobody else really indulges it
on the close.
Well, if you can grin and
bear it for a couple of days,
it doesn't last long.
It's just a bit of fun,
isn't it?
Oh, yeah, I'm not saying that.
Ken and I like fun, we love fun.
We went to crazy golf
at the weekend.
- Nice!
- Yeah.
Well, I was just thinking
about you, Val,
we don't want you
attracting undesirables.
Oh, no, don't worry,
Humphrey will scare 'em off.
- Humphrey?
- Humphrey Bone-gart!
Oh.
Ha-a-appy Halloween!
Will we be seeing you and Kenny
at the Stag later?
They're having a fancy-dress do.
No, I don't think so.
It's Michael Ball's Who Do You
Think You Are? tonight,
and we've been looking
forward to it.
We once met him on a cruise,
you know,
and we've been following
his career ever since, so
Well, I hope you have a good time.
The three of you.
Oh, no, Humphrey's
He's not coming.
He's got NO BODY to go with!
I see.
- Well, have a pleasant evening.
- Yeah. And you.
Michael Ball. Fucking hell.
Hello?
Can you let me in?
Where's your key?
I don't know. In my other jacket.
You're a fucking joke, Damon.
D'you know that?
Yeah.
Sorry.
Thank you, love.
- I was - No, because
you spilt it down the stairs.
I haven't spilt it.
If you'd have stayed with me
in the pub
Why didn't you stay, Val?
Because you get too drunk.
And then you get aggressive.
Ah, aggressive!
What you talking about?!
- Look at you now!
- You talking about?
- Look at you now.
- Back!
- Is that what do you think?
- Oh, get yourout my way.
Ah, piss off.
No, you better not,
I've just bought that.
- No, fuck off.
- You fuck off!
- No, you fuck off.
- What are you?
Get away from it! Get out!
Go!
Pop up here.
Hiya, Larry!
Oh, hi, Kenny. You all right?
Yeah, not bad.
Sheila's costing me an arm and a leg
with these bloody driving lessons, but
When's the test?
Oh, it won't be for ages yet.
She's failed it twice.
Hello! Hello!
Hey, have you heard any funny
noises coming from in there?
- How do you mean?
- They've been banging about,
doing DIY and God knows what
at all hours.
Oh, no, that's not on.
Have you said something?
I've just tried,
but there's no-one in.
Right. I'd speak to the wife,
if I were you.
She seems like the reasonable one.
- He's always half-cut.
- I will.
All right, good luck.
See you later, pal.
Ah, see you, Kenny.
Come on, then.
Oh Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?
No, just had a bit of a late night.
What do you want now?
I just wondered if you'd finished
with my Tupperware?
What Tupperware?
You remember I brought you
that quiche round,
just after you'd moved in?
And I know I said bring it back
when you're ready,
but it's been a while,
and I do like to do a bake
for the old folks in the
home up the road.
- I don't know where it is.
- Oh.
Well, maybe Valerie does -
is she in?
Not at the moment.
Oh.
We haven't seen her for ages.
How is she?
- She's fine.
- Good.
Well, send her my best wishes.
If you like, I could just bob in
and have a rootle round,
I've probably got a good idea
where she's put it
I am in the middle of
something at the moment,
so it's not convenient.
But if I find it,
I'll bring it round.
Lovely.
Just pop it in the porch
if we're not in.
All right.
Toodle-pip.
- Love to Val.
- Yeah.
- Have you got the key?
- Yeah.
Are you sure we should be
doing this, though?
Well, you said yourself, there's
been something fishy going on -
all that banging and shouting.
Bloody footprints on the drive.
It doesn't mean he's murdered her!
And it doesn't mean he hasn't.
What's the point of having
a Neighbourhood Watch
- if we're not watching out
for each other? - Yeah.
- Right, everybody, gloves on.
- Oh, yeah.
Larry, what are they supposed to be?
Well, it's all I've got.
Oh, well, you'll have to
stand watch, then.
- Right, give me the key.
- Oh.
Thank you.
OK
It's not working!
Are you sure it's the right one?
Yes! The Bensons gave it t'me,
I've had it years.
I used to go in and feed their cat.
- Let me have a go.
- OK.
Oh, no, it's not even going in.
They must've changed
the locks. Blither.
Right, well, why don't we just
see if we can see anything
through the windows?
What are we looking for, exactly?
Well, anything out of the ordinary.
- Signs of struggle.
- Yeah.
In my mind, he's chopped her up
in the bath, and then
he's put her in them suitcases.
They seemed like such a
nice couple, as well.
Oh, look, up there.
Bedroom window's open.
- Kenny, fetch the ladders.
- Oh, you're joking, aren't you?!
They're right at the back
of the shed!
Just go and get 'em!
She might be lying up there
half-conscious, for all we know.
I've got it all logged, you know?
Watching his every move,
all his comings and goings.
- I've been taking notes.
- What for?
Well, if this turns out to be real
and he really has murdered her,
we'll have to turn it over,
won't we?
What, to the police?
No - to Netflix.
They might make one of
those documentaries about it.
- Do you think so?
- Yeah, well why not?
The Mulberry Close Murders.
Murders?
Has he done more than one?
Well, we don't know, do we?
People get up to all sorts.
I'd have my face pixelated,
I think,
I don't want people staring
at me in Waitrose.
Can I be me in it?
Yeah.
- Ohh.
- I don't see why not.
Oh, what's that one for?
That's the back door.
Maybe they didn't change that one!
Right, well, you keep lookout,
I'll go and check.
It's all right, Popcorn,
I'll be back in a minute!
Larry, it works. I'm going in.
OK, roger that.
Be quiet, Popcorn!
Oh, you'll wake
the whole bloomin' close up!
- Larry, where are you?
- I'm here!
- Popcorn was barking.
- He's come back!
What are you doing up there?
Be careful, you'll fall.
Drag me that bin over.
Not that one, the other one!
I need to climb down!
Larry?
Hello, Damon!
What you doing, Larry?
Er
Well, I
Oh! Y-You'll know this -
is it the recycling this week,
or next?
I-I can never remember.
Next Monday.
Of course! Yes.
I-I'll, er, put this back
for you, then.
Just trying to be neighbourly.
Hiya, Damon! Hiya, Larry!
Hi-i-i
I, erm, I just wondered if you
wanted your gutters clearing?
I've just done mine,
and I thought,
while I've got the ladder out
Well, you
You can do mine if you like?
It's nearly midnight.
Why would I want my gut
Don't turn round! It's just,
there's a massive spider
dangling above your head.
Now, hang still.
That's it.
Yeah, she's gone now -
you can turn round if you want.
So, are you off out, Damon?
Yes, well, I'm going to get the
fill the car.
Forgot my wallet -
if it's any business of yours.
Right, well, drive safe.
Oh, yes, have a good night.
Oh
I think we got away with that.
Hi, Val, it's me.
I'm just checking you're
still coming back tomorrow.
I've not heard from you
in a couple of days.
I'm sorry about what happened
the other night.
It was a stupid thing to do.
I overreacted.
Anyway, it's all cleaned up now,
so I look forward
to seeing you later.
There's still some of that
horrible cauliflower quiche
in the freezer, if you fancy that?
Anyway, I'll see you soon.
I love you.
I'm glad you're taking such
an interest in my every movement,
- Kenny, thanks for that.
- Eh?
You know what I'm talking about.
I've just had a visit from a
community police officer
- at my place of work.
- What's that got to do with me?!
Don't come the innocent!
I know full well it was you!
And I'm here to tell you
that it stops now!
Give over! What you playing at?
Er, excuse me, Damon,
you don't get to speak
to my husband like that!
- He's got a pacemaker.
- Oh, has he?
Yes, and he can't be around
any stressful situations.
Well, you just keep your nose
out of my business, then!
Ah, Sheila, don't
Listen, Damon, I don't know what
you think's been going on here
You're always making up excuses
to come round and spy on us.
- What?! - "Ooh, have you got a recipe
for banana bread?
"Can we check the water pressure
in your bathroom?"
Yeah, that's just
because I wanted to compare -
we only get a dribble.
And I know you've been creeping
round every time I go out.
- I beg your pardon?!
- I've got divots in my back garden
from your heels, Sheila!
It should be me calling
the police on you!
What's with this shouting?
Is everything all right?
He's gone round the twist!
He's accusing us of all sorts here!
Says we've been spying on him.
- Well, I haven't.
- Oh, don't bother, Larry.
I know you're their third wheel.
They don't know where I work.
You do.
And where's Valerie in all this?
We'd like to hear
her side of the story.
She's up my arse,
second shelf on the right.
Oh, that's disgusting!
There's no need for crude language!
I knew you'd be trouble the
second you moved in.
Those gnomes showing
their bottoms - that was enough.
Fuck off!
Hey, hey, come on!
We're not savages!
- Leave him, Ken, he's not worth it.
- Just get off my property.
And you keep to your own side
of the street from now on.
Don't worry, we will.
We're just concerned, that's all.
Val's such a lovely lady,
it's not like her to disappear
- like that without a trace.
- It's none of your fucking business.
And you make any more
accusations against me,
Larry, and I promise you,
you'll regret it,
do you hear me?
Oh, come on, boy, where are you?
Popcorn!
Oh, great
Oh, hiya, Larry, you're up late.
I've been looking for Popcorn.
- You're back?
- Yeah.
I'm away a week,
and the place is a tip.
Where've you been?
Oh, just at my sister's
in Halifax.
- Damon and I had a stupid row about a futon.
- A futon?
Yeah. He got pissed
and he spilt red wine all over it,
and then he pushed it down
the stairs and it broke.
Dickhead ended up chopping
it up with a chainsaw.
- Oh, we thought
- What?
Er, nothing.
So, what's happened to Popcorn?
Oh, he's ran off.
He found a way to get out of
the garden under the hedge.
He usually comes back.
I'm getting a bit worried now.
I'm sure he'll show up.
- I hope so.
- Erm
You've had no more problems
with foxes, then?
Oh, no, fingers crossed.
- Open this up for me, would you, please?
- Oh
Oh, my God.
Popcorn.
What's happened?
What's he doing in there?
It was you. You poisoned him.
What? No, I'd never do that!
You said you would.
Poisoned him and dumped him
in a dustbin.
Of course I didn't!
Let me go and call Damon.
Hi, Damon, I'm back.
I need you to call me as soon
as you get this, please.
Something awful's happened.
All right, speak soon. Bye.
Oh, Larry, wait outside,
would you, love?
What are you?
No!
Yeah, are you getting all this?!
You happy now?
I didn't do it!
Yeah, I'm looking at you!
You're never going to get your
Tupperware back now,
are you, Sheila?!
You dozy
I mean, to be honest,
we've been suspicious of him
since he came here, haven't we, Ken?
Oh, yeah. Well, they were into
Satanism, witchcraft,
all that type of thing.
Wouldn't surprise me
if they were devil worshippers.
Hanging skeletons and whatnot
in the garden, lighting candles.
Although, to be fair,
that was just at Halloween, so
Yeah, well,
there's no smoke without fire.
And you saw him dragging
her body out and putting it in
- the boot of his car, didn't you?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Granted, it was a week
before he actually killed her,
but, well, we think it was
a trial run, don't we?
Yeah. Definitely. Yeah.
- You've been very helpful. Thanks.
- Of course.
Can I just ask?
Do you think they might do
a Netflix on it?
Mulberry Close Murders.
We think it'd make
a very good three-parter.
And if you need anyone to do
the voice-overs,
we know Michael Ball a little bit.
Fucking hell.
Do we know if anyone's checked
the door cam footage yet?
Oh, for God's sake.
And it was at this point
that detectives knew
they'd blown the case wide open.
I'm Michael Ball, and this
..is The Mulberry Close Murders.