Inside No. 9 (2014) s09e06 Episode Script

Plodding On

This programme contains
very strong language
Hello, hello.
Mm. Hmm.
Sorry, I got cornered by Anne Reid.
Oh, Christ.
Have you been here ages?
No, no, no.
25 minutes.
There's been three number ones
and one number two, so
..I haven't exactly been bored.
Well, do you want to keep
an eye out while I?
Of course, yes. Mm.
Busy out there? Yeah. Yeah.
Usual showbiz do.
Everyone looking over your shoulder
to see if there's anyone
more famous to talk to.
Yes, yes.
I usually do two circuits,
pretending I'm looking
for someone, and then leave.
I have nothing to say
to these people.
Well, this'll loosen you up a bit.
Ooh, yes!
Make me a bit more talkative.
Mm. Yeah.
Although I have heard
it can have a laxative effect.
No, it just gives you
confidence, that's all.
Ooh, lovely.
Have you not had it before?
Oh, God, yeah.
Well, no. I once tried to buy
an E tablet
from a dealer at Latitude,
but he came back
with a second-hand iPad, so
Have you seen Reece or Steve yet?
I saw Reece. Oh?
Yeah. Surrounded by people
blowing smoke up his arse.
Oh, yuck
Not literally, Tim. No, I know.
Still, you know
Nine series!
Oh, no, no, no. Yeah Wowee.
It is good. It's good.
Yes. Fair play to them.
But I think it's right for them
to end it now, don't you?
It has got a bit self-indulgent.
Yeah, fuck 'em.
I think the, um,
"leave them wanting more" phase
is behind them,
isn't it? Mm-hm.
Although I did hear there was a
There was a bit of adrama
on, um, Katherine Kelly's episode.
Oh, yeah? Yes.
She said that, um Sorry.
She said that, um,
Steve was rushed away.
To hospital. Really?
Steve Pemberton.
Yeah, well, obviously.
Yeah. Wow. Well,
that doesn't surprise me. No.
Hardly the picture of health, is he?
Won't be long
before his face pops up
on the Bafta "in memoriam"
to Coldplay or some maudlin shite.
Right, I think we're good to go.
Hey! Tim, how you doing?
Yeah, hello.
Fantastic. Oh!
Um, this one, I think,
is out of bounds.
There's been a bloa blo
a bloa blockage.
These areblockages.
So I should hold it, then?
Yeah, keep a finger in the dyke.
Oh. All the best.
I shall see you
Who was that?
Katherine bloody Parkinson.
I'm Katherine Parkinson.
Yes, of course you are.
The other one, then.
Shall we assume the position?
Oh, Christ Almighty.
Fucking hell.
Have you got any cash on you?
What do I owe you?
No, I need a note.
That any use?
Or is that too, um?
It's too wide, isn't it?
Shall we just leave it
and get a couple of beers?
No! No! No.
It's all right, I've got this
Body Shop voucher - that'll do.
Not your first rodeo.
So, have you been busy?
Lots of projects.
Irons in fires.
Any paid work?
You must have auditioned
for this Divine Comedy thing
Amazon are doing?
I have never heard of it.
You are kidding.
Every cunt with an
Equity card's been up for it.
They want English actors,
Fucking hell! Are you serious?
Yeah, it's like a
..a Dungeons & Dragons
type thing,
based on Dante's Inferno.
It sounds dreadful,
but they're paying people
Yeah, you should get your agent
onto it.
Yeah, thanks for the tip,
Katherine. Katherine.
I'm sorry. Katherine.
Katherine Parkinson.
See you shortly.
OK. Wow.
Right you are.
Tim, you didn't have any.
I did.
I can feel a twinge.
It's still there.
I smelt it.
That could be enough?
Katherine? It's Anne Reid.
Can you let me in?
Fucking hell.
Er, yeah.
Hi, Anne!
I hear you've scored
some good snow
from the dummy man
on Deansgate.
Any chance of a quick toot?
Yeah, you're in luck.
We've got a spare line,
haven't we, Tim?
Oh, bliss. Heaven. Thank you.
Hello, Anne.
Ooh, lovely Oh, careful.
Ah, here he is!
Hello, my liege! How are we?
Great to see you.
Hi, Robin.
It's absolutely heaving
out there. What a turnout!
I think I'm the only one
I've never heard of!
I don't mind
gender-neutral toilets, do you?
It's equality.
And you get to queue up
with all the lovely ladies!
So what's next for you both?
What have you got lined up?
Yes, actually we're doing
a comedy drama thing for
..uh, the BBC,
uh, playing detectives.
It's, uh, called Plodding On.
Oh! So you're really not doing
any more No. 9s, then?
No. Er, no.
Um, they said we could do
specials if we wanted.
Oh! Well, that's good,
cos people are always
coming up talking to me
about the bus episode.
Yeah, I know.
Some of the fans
were disappointed
we didn't actually do it.
I've been thinking about it.
The bus episode, Hold On Tight!
This is what I think we do.
You are the driver
and Steve's the clippie.
Now, you're both working
at the depot
when this dollybird comes in
with, like,
a three-inch cleavage.
And she says, "Ooh, I don't
know what route I'm on today!"
And Steve says, "Oh, I think
we can give you a ride!"
You know, "ride" like "sex".
And she says, "Ooh,
what number bus are you, then?"
And you say, "69.
"Oh, uh, I-I mean nine!"
Like oral sex.
Yeah? Then Steve says,
"I think you'd better
come up here, love,
"and I'll take you
up the back passage."
Ha, as in anal sex.
Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
Now, listen,
this is where I come on
as Mr Cole, the posh geezer.
You've got a full script.
Oh, yeah.
Now, you're showing her
round the bus,
and I come on,
as I say, as Mr Cole,
and I start reading
the list of stops.
OK? Top of page four.
Oh, er,
" 'Ere, this way, darling.
"Come up to my cab
and see my"
Nelson's Column.
" steering wheel."
Er, "When I'm up here driving,
"I sometimes get bored,
so I like to have a little"
"..bite to eat.
"I, er
In fact, I'm starving now!
"I'd really love to chow down
on your"
Shepherd's Bush.
"..cheese and ham sandwich."
Very funny. Funny.
Now, listen.
This is the next bit.
You start looking at her tits
and I go,
"St Paul's Cathedral!"
See, it's all clever wordplay
like that.
Very much like David Renwick
wrote for the Rons, you know?
Right, well, you've obviously
thought a lot about it.
Is there a twist or?
Oh, well, that's
where you and Steve come in.
Oh, yes.
You put in all the clever bits.
You know,
maybe they're all dead
or ghosts
or something like that.
That's what you usually do,
isn't it?
We've done that three times.
54 films.
We've only done it three times.
I just think it'd be great
because I was never
in an actual episode, was I?
No, I suppose not.
Well, I'll have a read.
Oh, thank you, my liege.
All right.
Oh, listen
What's this that happened
on the latest series?
I heard that Steve was taken
off to hospital or something?
Oh, yeah, no, that was serious.
We were doing an episode
set in an escape room
and hehe collapsed.
He was having
some sort of seizure.
Shit. Is he all right?
Yeah, he's all right,
he was back the next morning.
He was fine, but it was
It was really scary.
Oh, oh,
well, it must have been.
Well, I'll give it to Steve,
and we'llwe'll get back
to you.
You're a gentleman, sir.
Now, listen to me,
you enjoy this evening.
You deserve it.
See ya, Robin!
" 'Ere, sugar-tits,
pass me that rag
"so I can wipe my dipstick.
There's a good girl."
Oh. No, Amanda, wait!
My family has been wronged,
Is this nothing?
You call this nothing?
Sorry, Steve,
the queue at the bar
was horrendous.
Yeah, well, we've worked
with a lot of people.
Now, I didn't know
whether to get you
a Diddle Diddle Daiquiri
or a Bloody Merrily, Merrily,
so I got you both.
Ah, good call. Cheers.
What did you get?
Riddle Of The Aperol Spritz.
Oh, it's nice.
Did you see Reece?
Just saw him outside, actually.
He was putting Anne Reid
in a taxi.
I hope she's OK.
She was really grinding
her teeth.
Right, come on,
what's the gossip?
Why are you avoiding him?
Have you fallen out?
Nah, not really.
Oh, come on, you can tell me.
You know I won't tell anyone.
Oh, yeah, right.
I promise.
OK, well,
this is entre nous, yeah?
You must have heard
about this Divine Comedy thing
that Amazon are doing?
Oh, God, yeah.
No, I did a self-tape for it.
It was awful.
Really? What part?
Oh, one of the fucking maids,
I don't know.
Well, I'd auditioned for the
part of Virgil, who's obviously
one of the main characters
Oh, you'd be so good at that!
Thank you.
Anyway, weeks went by,
and I didn't hear anything.
Oh, of course.
We started filming this,
series nine.
Uh, then I get a call
from my agent,
the showrunner's in town,
he wants to meet me tomorrow.
I said,
"I can't do it tomorrow,
"I'm doing a scene with Reece."
Here, shshall I help you?
Yeah, thanks.
Anyway, in the end
I thought, "Fuck it,
you only live once,"
so I said yes to the meeting.
I pretended to be ill
so I could be taken off set.
What?! What do you mean?
Well, to begin with,
I just, like, fainted,
then I thought
Yeah, like you hadn't gone
far enough?
Exactly, yeah.
So I started fitting as well.
Oh, my God!
I wish I'd seen that.
I bet you were brilliant.
I mean, I'd done all my bits.
It was only Reece's reverses
to do.
In the end, they put my wig
on the producer,
and he sat in for me.
there's one scene where,
if you look really closely,
you can tell it's not me.
Yeah, so, um, anyway,
I did the meeting
..we got on
like a house on fire, and
I just found out
a couple of hours ago
..I got the job.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, that is amazing!
Yeah, thank you.
So, hang on,
where's it filming?
Oh, well,
it's LA and Canada, so
..yeah, I've literally got
to move out there.
Oh, my God.
There's seven years' work.
Unbelievable money, Rosie.
Like, unbelievable.
Relocation package
for my family, the works.
Oh, you so deserve it, Steve,
you really do.
Thank you.
So, do you know
who's playing the maid?
No, I don't, but I wanted
to ask you, actually
Have you got
Monica Dolan's number?
Cos I think she'd be perfect.
Yeah, she's great. Yeah.
I just saw her upstairs.
Just passed her
ten minutes back.
Oh, good, good, good.
Can you get my shoes?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, no, that's, er,
that's just a present
for Jack Whitehall.
It's not real.
Oh, Jesus!
They're under the table.
Oh, yeah.
The problem is
In the meantime, Reece has
come up with this stupid
detective comedy drama thing
..which is BBC money.
And now I'm not free to do it.
Oh, well, I mean, he'll
understand, surely, won't he?
I mean, it's not like
you go around using people
all the time, is it?
I've been working with him
for 25 years.
Got to put myself first
for once, haven't I?
Hello, pod fans!
It's Nick Mohammed here,
with episode number 279
of Mountain To Mohammed,
where I get to scale
the heights
of a famous personality.
Uh, well, not always famous.
We've had a nurse on
and stuff like that,
but, um, but the numbers are
never very good.
Anyway, we start
at the base camp of childhood,
whether, like me,
they were very badly bullied,
and work our way up
to the summit
to see what's next
on the horizon.
Now, I should say that
I'm actually recording this the toilets
at the wrap party
for series nine
of Inside No. 9,
where Steve and Reece have
invited back
a whole galaxy of stars
from previous series
..including little old me!
So, Steve, welcome
to Mountain To Mohammed.
How's it all going out there?
Er, it's great, yeah, yeah.
We'vewe've got
So many old friends have
turned up and, you know,
it's just lovely to celebrate
the past ten years.
I feel like my whole life is
flashing before my eyes.
Now, look, tell me all about
your upbringing. I want to know
where you were brought up,
where Where were you born?
Ah, so I was born in Blackburn
in Lancashire.
Now, that's interesting.
So I was born in Leeds,
which is obviously
the other side of the Pennines,
um, well, before going on up
to Durham to read geophysics,
so I'm not actually
that familiar with Blackpool.
Er, Blackburn.
Yes, sorry.
I'm so sorry,
what was the question again?
I think you asked me
where I was born.
Yes, that's right.
And the answer was?
Remind me. It was
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I'm so sorry,
I've got to do two every minute
or something like that
for the sponsors -
it's really annoying.
I'm back with Steve Pemberton.
So, Steve, you started off
at the Edinburgh Fringe,
didn't you?
that was in nineteen-ninety?
Right, OK, so I was
Well, I was there last 2018 -
that was with Mr Swallow
And The Vanishing Elephant.
But I
God, that was my 12th show?
Was it my 12th?
So, there was
Hello, It's Mr Swallow,
Mr Swallow - The Musical,
Mr Swallow's Christmas Carol.
That was
Nick, I've got to
So, Steve,
we have reached the summit.
What's next for you?
Ah, well, this has only
just been confirmed, actually,
um, so it's hot off the press,
but, yeah, I'm going to be playing
a part - quite a big part -
in a major new series
for Amazon,
um, so I'm going to be heading out
to Los Angeles,
where I'm going to be there
for, yeah, about seven years.
So that sounds like
quite a big commitment, then?
Cos I thought,
weren't you and Reece working
on a new show for the BBC?
Well, no, I mean, I'm not going to
be doing that now but
Uh, to be honest,
I was never really sure
it was the right project
for us to be, um be doing
but, yeah, yeah, you know,
never say never and, um
..there's always new ways
of communicating with, um,
with emails
and, uh, andand Zoom.
So, yeah,
hopefully we can carry on, um,
developing the project.
Well, as luck would have it,
I'm actually joined
by your partner in crime,
Reece Shearsmith.
Reece, welcome
to Mountain To Mohammed.
What do you make
of Steve's new job?
Yeah, it's great news. Yeah.
I've not really heard much
about it.
I can't wait for him
to explain it all to me.
Well, there's nothing to explain.
You know,
you go for an audition,
you don't know
if you're going to get it,
and on this occasion, I got it.
So, it's all whims, isn't it?
It is all whims.
I mean,
when I auditioned for Lasso
But you don't audition
for things
when you've got
your own project greenlit
and ready to go, though,
do you?
It wasn't greenlit.
We were commissioned
to write a script,
which we'd
barely even started
Barely started? We've been
working on it for six months!
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When did you go
for this audition anyway?
You never told me.
I can't remember.
I can tell you
exactly when it was
because I saw you there,
didn't I? We were laughing
cos you still had make-up
on your face from filming.
It wasDecember 15th.
December 15th?
The afternoon of December 15th?
So, was this audition
before or after you were rushed
to hospital with
a suspected brain aneurysm?
So! We're here celebrating
nine series of Inside No. 9.
It is an incredible
achievement, guys.
You must be over the moon.
Could you put it into words?
No, I've probably got enough.
I canI canI can build it
in the edit anyway.
it is so nice to see you both!
I hope you're not going to smash
his head in with a Bafta.
You lying fucking monster.
Are you actually saying that
to me
or are you doing
an Inside No. 9 quote?
OK, well, look,
I-I'm sorry I lied to you.
I just didn't think
you'd understand.
No, I don't understand.
Please clarify the situation
for me.
OK, look, we both know
we've reached the end
of the road with this project.
I just wanted to see
what else is out there.
"This project"? What am I,
a science experiment?
No, but it is the perfect time
for us to try and do new things
independent of each other.
We're not joined at the hip,
are we?
No, and I never said we were,
but this is bigger than that.
This feels like a statement.
I knew
you'd make things difficult.
Why can't you just be pleased
for me? Everyone else is.
What? I am pleased for you!
I'm very happy
that you're going to go off
and work
with exciting new people
and earn
lots and lots of money!
You must feel very important.
Well done.
But at the end of the day,
it's just
a television programme.
It'll be on
and then it won't be on.
Like you've always said,
it'll just be another line
on your CV.
OK, well,
I don't want to spoil tonight.
Oh, you don't want to spoil
Well, I'm afraid
that ship has already sailed.
If you want to know the truth,
I feel like you have been
holding me back!
Oh, you fucking what?!
Oh, hiya!
Not now, Amanda!
Fuck's sake,
I'm growing a monkey tail here!
I just feel, as an actor,
I've not been free
to give certain performances.
Oh, that's rubbish!
It's not rubbish!
I get overlooked
for so many things
cos we come as a package!
"The boys! Steve and Reece."
I want to be me in something
in my own right!
you did Death In Paradise.
I'm not talking about
fucking Death In Paradise!
I'm talking about
big American things
with a seven-series
character arc,
not these
little half-hour nothings.
Every fourth one a dud.
Look, I told you
I don't begrudge you that.
I don't care about the job.
I care about me and you,
if you can imagine that.
I'm not going to see you
for seven years.
That's all I'm thinking about.
Who am I going to sit
in a stupid little office
and have a laugh with?
When I come in
in the morning
with two coffees,
and you're lying on the floor
with a pen sticking out of
your ear pretending to be dead,
and we cry laughing about it
for ten minutes -
I'm going to miss that!
Yeah, well, that joke
hasn't been funny for years.
Not since Psychoville.
Yeah, well, whatever.
I'm just saying
I'm going to miss you!
You're my best friend.
Are you quoting
Merrily, Merrily now?
No! I mean it.
I was so frightened
when you collapsed.
Or fucking pretended
to collapse.
I thought you were going to die
and I was going to lose you,
and now I am going to lose you,
and I've barely got
any real friends as it is.
we've been working together
so long now
..I don't even know
if we are friends any more.
Oh, there you are!
Oh, sorry,
am I interrupting something?
It doesn't matter.
Just to let you know,
we're watching the film now,
so if you want to
Yeah, thanks.
I'm just going to grab a drink.
No, no, this isn't right.
She's charged me
for two Cokes.
Hi, Jase.
Ah! Hey, Steve!
I mean, about the Divine
Comedy. You must be thrilled.
Who told you about that?
Rosie Cavaliero.
No, no, I am, I am excited.
It's a new start and all that.
You know, the Yanks,
they'rethey're so driven.
You're going to love it out there.
I mean, you have to pay
for your own cars but, um,
I know this scheme
where you can claim it back.
Er, um, hello?
Goodbye, everyone.
Oh! Yeah!
Plodding On.
Oh, no, no, no. The, um,
the next project's focus is
a detective drama
called Plodding On.
Sorry, say again?
No, hang on, I can't hear you.
One sec.
Er, Steve.
Steve, Steve, I'd like
to talk to you about
Yeah, one second, Robin.
Justjust give me one second.
..bus episode.
I'll come back to you in a sec.
Oh, good riddance.
Good riddance.
So, it would be like
a different case every week,
and we play the detectives.
And there's a script
already commissioned.
it's pretty much greenlit.
And why aren't you doing it
with Steve?
Oh, well, you know, we're
..we're at the end
of this project.
We're not joined at the hip,
are we?
No, no.
I'm just not sure I want
to do another detective thing
after, you know
Midsomer Murders?
Oh, oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
Well, I just thought
it would be, you know,
lovely to work together again,
you know.
It could be
Could be really fun.
So, whatwhat do you think?
Tell you what,
why not send it to my agent?
Then it all goes through
the proper channels
and then it's a lot easier
for me to
Say no.
Anyway, I've got to go,
I just had the call.
Great to talk to you, love.
Enjoy tonight.
Will do. See you, Mark.
Yeah. Bye.
Fucking hell,
that was a close call.
you've not hung up properly.
Reece? Are you in there?
"I've taken some tablets."
Stop it!
Are you coming out?
My mum's ordered me a biryani.
Just come out, please.
I've got something to tell you.
There's been a twist.
Has it been seeded?
Unfortunately not.
Oh. Fortunately,
it doesn't matter, does it?
You've got
your big, massive American job
to look forward to.
Well, unfortunately I've just
had a call from my agent.
if I still want that job,
I've got to go back in
and re-audition.
Some other actor's
thrown his hat into the ring,
and the director's
really excited.
Fucking Tim Key.
he'll probably get it now.
I know!
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
I don't want to re-audition.
The script was terrible.
It was like a pig wrote it.
What would you do?
Oh, don't ask me.
I'm just stuck here doing
my little nothings, aren't I?
Plodding On, double D?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm not even sure about that
any more.
Won't be the same doing it
on my own.
I am sorry.
So, what shall we do, then?
There is a third option.
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