Intelligence (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

MAN: If you spin it
as quick as you can
WOMAN: I just don't get
how to do it.
Then, you can see all the different
colours, like that.
It's really clever isn't it?
You didn't borrow my memory stick,
did you?
It's got a picture
of a vagina on it.
Printed on the actual stick,
or as a JPEG?
And it's yours?
The stick belongs to me,
but it is not my vagina.
What does it look like?
My vagina?
Sorry, do you think terrorists
just sit around chatting all day?
Get back to work.
I bet some of them do.
You'd go mad otherwise, wouldn't you?
(ON VIDEO) Do you want a biscuit
or anything, Tuva?
Mary, do you want a biscuit?
Does it give you migraines?
OK, right. I need a full update
from all of you.
As you heard just now,
we have Jerry Bernstein from the NSA
arriving shortly.
Oh, my God! Jerry Bernstein's going
to be working with us?
And he is going
to be our NSA liaison.
If you must speak to the Americans,
you will now go through him.
Is that going to be a problem?
Absolutely not. I'm a huge, huge fan.
He and I had a lot of email
back and forth on 9/11.
What, he's a terrorist?
Whitehall created the position
as part of our shared
intelligence initiative,
Aside from providing
a link to American resources,
I'm told he has
a wealth of experience.
Should I book Pizza Express
in that case?
I suspect he'll be too jet-lagged.
I don't mind.
Sorry, so will he be here long, then?
Providing he plays by the rules.
Alright, mate. Excuse me.
Mary, where are we
with last week's cryptanalysis?
Can you stop doing that, please?
Sorry, the pages are a bit ripped.
It was my cat.
I'm worried he might have caught
Huntington's disease.
You're born
with Huntington's diseases.
No, I wasn't.
It doesn't matter.
No, I've heard it's really serious.
Tuva, did you manage to hack
the Scorpio server?
All the names and IP addresses,
plus recordings of the voicemails.
That's really good, Tuva. (CHUCKLES)
Some of this is incredibly filthy.
Thank you.
Oh, I love that kind of stuff.
I can't take it.
You know you're not meant to eat it,
Latest systems update. Joseph? Go.
OK, so, all our main systems
seem to be running absolutely fine.
We've still got a fair bit of chatter
to analyse from yesterday morning.
About 25% of that left to do.
Also, I did end up stumbling across
Matthew McConaughey's
browsing history.
Why is GCHQ,
Centre For Cyber Security,
looking at Matthew McConaughey's
browsing history?
I suspect it was just a glitch
in the system,
but I just thought I'd follow it up,
just in case.
Do you not want to know
what he's been looking at?
Is it in the interests
of national security?
Not really, no.
It's lawnmowers mainly. Big ones.
Also, we just lost our primary drone
over the Iranian border.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I know, and to add insult to injury,
the Level 3 printer
has stopped working.
Oh, no!
Oh, "Database breach,
Bank of England."
Oh, I've really got to change that.
How do you get yours to just beep?
It's just set on 'beep'.
I think this must be Elaine's,
you know?
She walked down the aisle to this.
Sorry to be so
Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits!
Quick as you like.
Can you grab my luggage,
or do I need to do that, too?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'll come down. Yes.
Jerry's here.
Jerry's here!
Hi. (PANTS) Joseph Harries.
So great to finally meet you.
Hey. Sorry, do we know each other?
Oh, yeah, I'm the one
who used to send the NSA
all the weekly cyber memos.
No way!
I thought that was spam.
Oh, no, it was me. (CHUCKLES)
Right. What was your name again?
Joseph Harries.
John, do you mind me asking,
do you have dwarfism in your family?
I I don't think No.
Well, you should check.
Can you give me a hand?
Yes, absolutely. Right, here we go.
We are just up on the third floor.
Oh, oh, no!
Don't don't use the wheels.
It's quite an expensive case.
Can you carry it in?
I won't be long.
Uh yeah. OK.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Hi, Mom.
(SHOUTS) Evelyn!
(OVER PHONE) Yeah, did you want me?
Yes. Can you come up, please?
Oh, my God.
Could you not hear me shouting?
I was on the phone.
Yes, to me.
Get me a full background check
on Jerry Bernstein,
and I need to see his file.
It's classified.
If only there were an institution
that cracked codes
to access classified information.
So, where's that?
OK, shall we go through?
Oh, hey, Jerry! Sorry.
They've just told us to wait here
for a sec.
It's just a security thing.
Won't be long. (CHUCKLES)
What, because you're
Oh, no, it's not that.
It's just they need
to check inside the case.
Because they think it's yours?
No, no.
Just standard procedure.
This happens all the time.
Right. Because you're
Evelyn's here,
and that's where I sit.
I'm just over there.
And, Jerry, this is
That's right.
..Chris Cranfield,
Director of Cyber Security at GCHQ.
No way!
I was expecting a guy.
Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
Do you prefer Chris or Christopher?
It's Christine, actually.
These are for you and the team.
Oh, lovely!
So, what do we got going down?
You want to give me, like, a
two-word summary of where we're at?
Why don't you just settle in?
We can catch up later.
Joseph, will you show Jerry
to his office, please?
Yeah, sure.
Hold the phone.
So, uh, what OS are we using here?
Is this Lysander 4.4?
This is Tuva Olsen.
Used to be one of Europe's most
notorious hackers.
Still am.
That was a joke.
Man, I love humour.
Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
Is that Jewish?
Wouldn't you like to know? Flirt.
Mary, come over
and say hello to Jerry. Quickly!
God, what what what happened?
Er, nothing. What? What do you mean?
This is Mary Needham,
one of GCHQ's finest.
Finest what?
Mary was one of the first
female professors
to be nominated for a Nobel Prize.
Wow. Did you win?
And I ended up getting cystitis
on the day, sadly.
I think it was all the stress.
That's a great story.
Can we get the aircon turned on?
It feels about 74 degrees,
and I find my team works best at 71.
Yeah, I can do that if you'd like
No! Sit down, please, Joseph.
Yeah, I need you to take notes.
Please stay.
Yeah, yeah. Yep. Yeah.
Alright, everyone, listen up.
I am now your best possible
I'm here for you.
So, I want you to use me,
exploit me,
punish me.
I want to feel
as if I've been uploaded
into each and every one of you.
Even you guys.
What are you doing?
I'm just welcoming everyone.
Can we get them to stop?
No, we're in the middle
of something - Bank of England.
No American liaison required, sadly.
OK. Listen, I just want to say
I'm really excited about this.
I think we can learn a lot
from each other,
especially from me.
It'll be a pleasure collaborating
with one of our oldest
and closest allies.
Welcome to GCHQ.
Thank you.
Back to work, everyone.
CHRIS: Good morning.
Hey! Do you like the plants?
You know they'll die in three days.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I sprayed them with glue,
so they're kind of mummified.
By the way, where are HR based?
I really need to get hold
of my pass.
Fourth floor, but most of them
are on school holidays.
They're still at school.
Probably asking the wrong person,
but, um Two secs.
Hey, Jerry. Are you alright?
Do you know what this stain is?
I can't hear you 'cause of the glass.
Do you know what this stain is?
I can't hear you 'cause of the glass.
Can you come in?
Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, good job.
Sorry, Jerry.
I couldn't hear 'cause of the glass.
That's fine.
What is this stain?
Um Oh, gosh.
Well, this used to be Elaine's
old office,
so it could be anything, really.
What, did she die in here?
No, she's on maternity leave,
so could just be that.
(SNIFFS) Oh, God.
You know what? Let's just
Yeah, let's do that.
Hey, can you, uh
can you hook me up with my pass?
I really need the men's room.
Uh, well, that's HR,
but it takes up to about a week
for them to respond, so
No, I got to go before then.
Oh, that's fine.
I can buzz you through. Yeah. Now?
Can I?
Go. Go.
Nice opportunity to show you around.
Are you staying somewhere locally
in Cheltenham?
Yeah. The Citrus Hotel.
Oh, lovely!
I went to a couple of wakes there.
The food is stunning!
Very quickly, so this is one
of our designated quiet rooms,
just because some of the stuff
that we see on the web
can be quite full on.
And can I pee in here?
Um, no, not really. No.
I sometimes do.
You forget how big this place is
don't you?
Sorry, they must have changed
the door code.
This way.
What's this thing?
OK, not far, Jerry. Here we go.
Oh, God.
Do it again.
No, hang on.
Swipe again.
Which side's?
Swipe it again.
OK, OK, OK, OK. There we go.
Oh, crikey. It's fine. It's fine.
Let me just type this in
(KEYPAD BEEPS) here. Jerry, can you just?
Sorry, can you just read me
from the fourth?
From the What?
From the fourth?
Four. The four.
There's no four.
Well, the
Do you mean the one?
The four Oh.
That's yeah, it's a one.
The one is the
One, nine, two
One, nine, two
BOTH: seven.
OK, that should be it.
There you go. (CHUCKLES)
Oh! I'm so sorry. Come on, this
We have something just in case,
that doesn't always work
when you have been eating crisps.
OK, why didn't you do that
to begin with?
'Cause I've been eating crisps,
and it doesn't always work.
Back up. Back up.
Give me your
..give me your thumb.
What's wrong?
You have very small
OK. There you go.
OK, fine.
Oh, for crying out loud.
OK, um
Let me just do, uh
I'll do the retina thing. It's fine.
Come on, man, you're killing me.
Oh, why is it doing that? Hang on.
Sorry, I've got a lazy eye,
so sometimes if I
Can you lift me?
Get up there. Get up there.
Thank you. Ooh.
Go! Go!
Oh, God. This way.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Yeah. USA.
Because his eyes are quite close
together, and I know he has a cousin
who was involved with some
kind of atrocity. Yeah.
What's the?
Oh, sorry, Chris.
I am going to delete that.
I don't care.
I just want hard copies
of the Bank of England report.
Yeah, it's just the printer's
still not working, so I can't
EVELYN: Jerry's file.
What's this?
Well, I couldn't get access
to view his internal file,
so I just, like, made a front cover.
Here I am. (PANTS)
Found my way back.
Hi, Jerry.
Hey, Chris, I worked out
what the problem is here.
The problem is morale.
Right. Thank you.
So firstly, you really need
to put some music on
'cause everyone in here,
currently, looks so 'uhhhh'.
Do you have Alexa here?
Alexa, play NSA Nasty Mix 2.
Secondly, we need to fundraise
and build us a gym.
Get the endorphins pumping.
Thirdly, is there any way
we can make it so I can see the sun?
Uh, OK, let me stop you just there.
Firstly, I am not your PA.
I am GCHQ's Director
of Cyber Security.
Grandpapa built the bouncing bomb.
Mother posed as a triple agent
during the Cold War,
while father came up with an idea
called the internet.
So, forgive me if I'm not
into office plants
and natural light.
Secondly, this isn't the NSA.
You are here strictly to liaise.
We don't work out.
We don't listen to playlists.
We fight cyber crime, terrorism
and sex trafficking.
Thirdly, this is my department.
These are my staff.
And whilst it's a pleasure
collaborating with one of our oldest
and closest allies,
I will not have my authority
simply because some privileged fool
from Whitehall thinks
that the US can fight cyber crime
better than we can.
Do you mind if I get on?
Sorry, it looks like
you've stopped talking.
My ears are still fucked
from the flight.
Was that important?
You're really going
to take that from her?
Huh? Huh? You little bitch.
I'm delivering our findings
on the Bank of England.
Have the car meet me out front.
OK. Don't forget, you've got
a Bank of England meeting.
Did you want me to arrange a car?
Come on, buddy, you've got this.
Oh, Jerry, I'm so sorry
about what Chris said earlier.
You must be feeling awful.
Do you know how long
I've been at the NSA?
I'd say, like, 50 years.
25 years. Sit down.
Oh, sure.
Do you know the level
of experience you get
from working at the NSA 25 years?
I basically know everything, OK?
I've overseen terrorist plots,
cyber attacks,
assassination attempts.
Against you?
Just remain quiet a sec.
I predicted 9/11, Afghanistan, 7/7.
And when you say predicted?
You mean, "Could I have stopped
those things from happening?"
I think so.
But was anyone willing to listen?
It's always the same old bullshit.
"Slow down, Jerry.
"Analyse. There's no evidence."
Whatever happened to good
old-fashioned American hunch?
See, this is exactly
what we're missing here.
So, did you have a hunch about 9/11?
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
Just this huge fucking hunch.
And then, another big hunch
moments later.
Oh, God, so you've seen a lot
of action then.
(SCOFFS) Have I seen action?
You know what? Look at this.
Oh, you're going to love this.
Come here. Come here.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
Touch it.
Oh, no. I don't want to
Touch it!
I don't know if I
Touch it!
.44 calibre went clean through.
It looks exactly like the lipoma scar
that I've got
from when I had
a little thing removed.
Like, the same shape and everything.
Well, it's it's not.
That's the same shape, actually,
'cause they did it
No, it's not. It's not.
It's a bullet thing.
It's there an exit wound?
Can I?
No. That part
..that part healed fine.
Can't even tell.
So, what are you doing here, then?
Is it like a sabbatical position,
then, or what?
Yeah, kind of. (SCOFFS) Man.
You guys, you have no idea
how lucky you are to have me.
Oh, tell me about it.
I mean, literally, this is the best
thing that ever happened to me.
I mean, I could've ended up
in Paris, Milan, New York,
but I chose London.
But there's no point
in me being here
unless I can make a difference.
Oh, you see, I agree with that.
I mean, sure, I could liaise
the ass out of this place
if I want to,
but I want to raise morale.
I want to raise morale so high
people can barely move.
You know what I mean?
I think Yes.
I want people having to go home
from work because morale is so high.
Well, everyone's going to love that.
But I'm going to need your help,
Honestly, whatever you need, Jerry.
Just name it 'cause
Treat me like your PA.
I thought you were my PA.
Alright, now gather up, guys.
Come on, come on, come on.
Circle up. Circle up.
You know what? You, too.
Yeah. You're part of the team.
Drop that shit.
In fact, everyone
Everyone, stand and
Come come gather round.
This is important.
That's it. Hustle. Hustle.
Back up.
Good. Oh, look at that.
We did a circle.
OK. One of the first things
that struck me when I arrived here
was just how uninspired
everyone looks.
Don't get me wrong.
Individually, you all look
But there's still this sense
that I've wandered
onto an abandoned farm.
Does that resonate?
So, what I'd like to propose
as a starting point
are some teambuilding exercises.
Can I get a "Yes, Jerry"?
OTHERS: Yes, Jerry.
MAN: Yes, Jerry.
Alright. We'll work on that.
Hands out of the pockets.
Let's get ready.
Jerry says, "Raise your right arm."
Put it down.
OK, you're all out!
You're all out!
OK, everyone, take one step
to their right.
Jerry says,
"Take one step to your left."
Yeah, I fucked you there, didn't I?
MARY: Yes.
Yeah, it's called listening.
When I clap my hands, everyone fall.
That's a start.
OK, everyone up. Everyone up.
Anyone hurt?
That's OK.
It's about trust.
At the count of three,
I want everyone to undress.
(SHOUTS) Undress!
I'm kidding. Stop that.
Have more respect for yourself.
So, continue what you're doing,
exploring each other's faces
and bodies.
And what I want to do now
is to just go around
and talk about
when you last had sex.
It's just a nice way to get
to know each other and open up.
Plus, it's what we do
at the NSA every day.
Have sex?
What about you, buddy?
Oh, gosh! Well, it depends
what you mean, really. (CHUCKLES)
You've never heard of sex?
Oh, no, I've heard of sex. Sure.
I just, you know, I
Sorry, where are you?
Mary, do you want to start?
Oh, gosh! Um oh,
it's been a while, sorry.
No, I could tell.
I could smell your pheromones.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, thank you.
I bet you're filthy, though.
I love how you deny it. That's hot.
10:15am this morning.
Weren't you in at 8am?
CHRIS: What the hell's going on?
Chris, great.
Jump in. We're just doing
some teambuilding here.
No. Go back to work, everybody.
This is ridiculous.
No, I Honestly, Chrissy,
I wouldn't be doing this
unless I thought
it was absolutely essential.
Plus, look how much fun
everyone's having.
They're not here to have fun.
This is GCHQ.
Do you think Alan Turing had fun?
OK, back to work, everybo
Not yet. Listen, I get it.
You didn't choose to have some
dashing American fuck fox
in your prissy British henhouse.
I didn't want this either,
but I'm sure we can make it work.
Come on,
at least have a jelly bean.
Absolutely not.
Aren't we meant to be collaborating?
Huh, team?
OTHERS: Yes, Jerry.
Do you really want your staff
to see you like this?
Jelly bean
Jelly bean, jelly bean
..jelly, bean, jelly bean,
jelly bean
And Jerry says, "Fall!"
JOSEPH: Jerry's got the printer
working again!
See? This is why they sent me here.
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Misery's on the way
There are bad times
just around the corner
There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky
It's as clear as crystal
From Bridlington to Bristol
That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care
We'd better all learn the lyrics
of the old Red Flag
And wait till we drop down dead. ♪
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