Into the Dark (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

I'm Just F*cking With You

(HIP-HOP MUSIC, VOCALIZING) [INDISCERNIBLE LYRICS] MALE VOCALIST: Actually bought a hatchet I don't sleep with a ratchet [INDISCERNIBLE LYRICS] I move drugs in batches Hopped off that like hatchet The bitch snatched it Met her sister, smashed it Fucked her once then dashed it [INDISCERNIBLE LYRICS] I'll take that machete to a mosh pit I don't give a fuck I don't give a damn I don't give a fuck about you pussy motherfuckers I'm gonna hit you with a stick like that [INDISCERNIBLE LYRICS] (CELL PHONE RINGS) LARRY: Hey.
RACHEL: Larry, you coming or what? LARRY: I already made the reservation.
RACHEL: Well, I reserve the right to tell you to cancel it.
- Stop.
- RACHEL: Mom and Dad are here at the hotel.
Everyone knows how hard this is for you, but we just want to see you.
Look, you're the only one that I want to see.
RACHEL: Holy fucking shit.
Get on Cindy's Twitter feed now.
Oh my God.
(RACHEL LAUGHS) Some genius just totally flamed her.
Who the hell is ProgrammingFlaw, anyway? What? RACHEL: Someone needs to give that guy a medal.
Okay, so, you're coming, right? I just I just don't want to.
RACHEL: Well, then I'll come to you then.
Let me guess: You're staying in some flamboyantly vile place, right? Tell me.
Come on, tell me.
Ugh, fine.
I'm staying at the Pink Motel and Lounge.
RACHEL: Ooh, sounds so very.
I'll leave here in a minute.
Ciao, Lar-Bear.
You got me good, that was good.
(CHORTLING) (CLEARS THROAT) (EERIE MUSIC) You got a problem? What? No.
CHESTER: Yeah, you do.
(CHORTLING) - I can't believe you.
- I'm just fucking with you! April Fools, big boy! GERRY: That was a good one.
(CAP SNAPS) How can I help you? I'm just looking to check in.
- Are you the owner? - Nope.
I'm Chester.
Uh, Larry.
GERRY: Oh, hey, I'm Gerald.
You can call me Gerry, Larry, pleasure's all mine.
Yeah, um (CHUCKLING) (CHESTER, GERRY HEM AND HAW) So can I just check in with you, or? Yeah, I'm pulling double duty tonight.
It's off-season, so the owners are cutting costs.
Can't stay mad at them.
They're real sweet old-timers.
Huh, I hear you.
Well, I've had kind of a long drive, so just love to get to bed.
CHESTER: Oh yeah, of course.
Room's 75 bucks.
No tax if you've got it in cash.
Great, great, yeah.
It's an insult to leave a beverage a man's given you.
- CHESTER: Gerald sorry.
- LARRY: Here you go.
It's common courtesies.
I mean, I can have uh, sure.
GERRY: Attaboy, attaboy.
Okay, what are we drinking to? To the beautiful sound of laughter.
- Okay.
- Amen, to the beautiful sound of laughter, God bless you! Mm.
Woo! Now.
Chester, it has been great getting to know you.
Larry, nice.
CHESTER: I know.
I'll wipe that up.
Nice guy, huh? Aw, he's a teddy bear.
- Great sense of humor.
- Oh, really? So what are you in for? Oh, just this family wedding thing, it's Oh.
Those are the worst.
Maybe you'll get your bone buried.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
What's going on with you, man? Sit down, come on.
Vent to Chester, sit down.
Uh, um no, it's, it's I don't know, it should be fine, actually.
Wah, wah! Wrong answer.
No, I mean, it's just there's a lot of people I haven't seen in a while, so that's There's more to it than that.
(SOFT MUSIC) Okay, okay, um I don't know, I hate dancing, first of all.
The food's always a letdown.
The food, really? Come on.
All right.
I had to shell out 75 bucks for cookie sheets because they were the last thing on the registry.
Aw, cookie sheets! (CHESTER LAUGHS) Like Miss Piggy's ever gonna bake her own cookies, right? That's, I mean I'll tell you what, though.
I hope that she likes those cookie sheets, because, honestly, they're gonna last a lot longer than her marriage.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) That sounds like a girl that you wouldn't marry.
Nah, marriage is just not my thing.
To lone wolves forever.
Yeah! Yeah.
So I really am just really tuckered out, - so could I get the key? - No sweat.
All I need is your credit card - and we'll sign you right in.
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) I already gave you the 75 bucks for the room.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I get it.
Tit-for-tat, right? No, I'm just gonna need that credit card.
Are you serious? Afraid so, man, I mean, I ain't operating a halfway house here.
No, I'm not saying that, it's just that when I first came in, you remember, like, a minute ago, you said if I give you cash, then you wouldn't charge tax? And then, I took out the cash and I handed you the cash.
I mean, that guy, that biker guy, he First of all, his name is Gerald, and second, I never check in anyone without proper paperwork for this reason.
I understand that, but this is crazy.
I mean, what are you trying to pull here? (MUSIC TURNS TENSE) Look, man.
You came in here, we had some drinks, we had some laughs, and if you want a room, that's great.
I'll just need a photo ID and a credit card.
All right, well, empty your pockets, then.
Excuse me? You empty your pockets and you'll see my money in there.
You put the money this is ridiculous.
I mean, do I have to call the cops? Go ahead, call the cops.
And while you're at it, I got another idea.
Put out your goddamned hand, because I got your room key right here.
(CHESTER CACKLES) (SOFT, EERIE MUSIC) Oh, man, you should have seen yourself.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
- Oh, okay.
- You should have seen yourself, "This is ridiculous! Do I have to call the cops?" - No, you know - CHESTER: Sorry, man.
You want me to call the bellman? No.
Good, because we don't have one.
LARRY: Okay.
(MUSIC TURNS DARK) TELEVISION NEWS ANCHOR: Here's our viewer video of the week, straight from Marshall.
(PHONE CHIMES) (SOFT MUSIC) NICOLE: That's right, Chuck, it is still chaos out here on South Citrus at that multi-car pileup that has caused gridlock in both directions.
Details are still trickling in, but witnesses report seeing the pickup truck swerving erratically before veering into oncoming traffic, causing this chain reaction which left one young woman dead and several people in critical condition, including an infant.
The driver, who witnesses say was visibly intoxicated, then fled the scene.
Sheriffs found the suspect's vehicle, a late-model white pickup, a few blocks away from the scene of the accident, where it appears as if the sus (CALL RINGING) Oh, come on, come on, come on.
VOICEMAIL RECORDING: Hi, you've reached Rachel.
I'm away from the phone right now, but I'll call you back if you leave a message.
LARRY: Where the fuck are you? (PHONE RINGING) Hello, Pink Motel and Lounge.
Hi, uh, Chester? The one and only.
Oh, um, hey, this is Larry in Room 6.
Yeah, Larry, I know who you are.
Yeah, I was just wondering if anyone checked in since I got here.
My sister is supposed to come meet me, and, I don't know, she's pretty late.
I don't know if she came in or called, or anything.
CHESTER: Oh, well, uh no one's come in but let me check the messages.
- Maybe I missed a call.
- Great, thanks.
(EERIE MUSIC) (MUSIC TURNS TENDER) Hey, Larry, I got some bad news.
Yeah? CHESTER: It's about your sister.
There was a message.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, man.
She's not coming, Larry.
(MUSIC TURNS DARK) She found a big cock to suck on, then she died and went to heaven.
(CHORTLES) What the fuck? CHESTER: Come on, man, it doesn't even make sense that someone would call me if something happened to her.
(CHUCKLING) Jesus, Chester.
(EERIE MUSIC) CHESTER: Just call if you need anything.
[ANNOYED] Unbelievable.
(COINS DROPPING) (BUTTON CLICKING) (CRASH) GERRY: Let old Gerry help you out, buddy.
GERRY: Did you just touch me, peckerwood? No, no, I didn't, sir.
Yeah, you did, didn't you, little man? (GERRY CHUCKLES) [ANGRILY] You know what this says? No, sir.
Lone wolf! (SNAPS LIKE A DOG) Do you know what it represents? - No.
- It represents my armor.
And you don't touch a road warrior's armor unless you're ready to fight or fuck.
You ready to fight? Uh, no.
- Hm.
- Oh, no.
Well, cool.
Um hm.
(CHUCKLES) You just narrowly avoided an ass pounding, dude.
Room 7 if you feel lucky.
(RELIEVED SIGH) (GERRY HOWLS) (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) CHESTER: I'm just gonna need that credit card.
"Do I have to call the cops?" Big cock to suck on.
(BANGING AT DOOR) Hello? MAN: [SPEAKING SPANISH] No, I'm okay, just come back later, please.
MAN: [SPEAKING SPANISH] No, I'm in the shower, can you come back? CHESTER: Larry, you okay in there? Chester? CHESTER: Yeah, man, of course it's me.
Not all cleaning people speak Spanish.
That's kind of a racist assumption.
Listen, man, I was hoping to get to you before you used the bathroom.
It's got a tricky door that's been giving guests some problems, I meant to tell you this before but we were having such a good time.
Just stop joking around, man.
CHESTER: What? No, come on, man, I like to joke around but I wouldn't mess with you like this.
Just say that my sister is, like, sucking a big dick or whatever and just let me out, man.
CHESTER: Larry, I swear I could lose my job over something like this, man.
Sherrie and Johnny made it very clear that I had to tell guests in Room 6 about this door.
You got to help me out, man.
Just let me out and then I won't say anything, okay? CHESTER: All right.
Geez, you're a good man.
Okay, I think I'm gonna need you to put a lot of pressure on the door.
What? That is the oldest trick in the book, man, I'm not gonna fall CHESTER: Okay, I understand why you think that, but I'm not fucking with you, Larry.
Are you putting pressure? Yes, I'm doing it.
CHESTER: Okay, good, now you're gonna need a lot of leverage, okay, man? You've got to really do it, put all your weight against it.
- I'm doing it! - CHESTER: All right, just do it at the same time, you ready, on three.
One (THUD) - (CHESTER LAUGHS) - (EAGLE SCREECHING) Oh, man, we did it, buddy.
LARRY: What the hell is wrong with you? CHESTER: Okay, okay, I see you're not laughing.
But look at it from my perspective.
I mean, yes, I was holding the door shut.
Bad on me.
But honestly, I never thought you'd fall for it.
And once we were in the middle of it, how could I stop? (SOFT, TENSE MUSIC) Come on, man, it was just a joke.
It's me, Chester.
You are pathetic.
Do you know that? Nobody likes people like you, you just you never get the hint.
You just push and you push and you push and you push.
Well, let me tell you something.
[ANGRILY] Nobody thinks that you're funny! Just You don't think I'm funny, huh? Well, what do you think is funny, then? Come on, tell me a joke.
Chester, we're both tired, it's been a long day, so can Tell me a joke.
Come on.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose? What? Nobody knows.
(LAUGHING) That's a great one, Larry.
I knew you had it in you, Larry.
That was great, man.
- Okay.
- All right.
Have a good night, man.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC) Hey, Rachel, uh, I don't know where you are, but I've got to leave this motel, it's just weird here, and I don't know why you're not getting my messages, but if you just want to call me back, maybe I'll just wait in my car down the road and see if you come by or It's just so stupid.
Just please, please, I hope you get these messages, and I'm kind of concerned you were in a car crash.
I hope not.
(CAR LOCK CHIRPS) Aww, shit.
I really let things get out of control earlier.
I don't know what came over me.
You're probably a good sport, but you know, you give a moose a cookie and he asks for milk.
I was asking for milk.
I'm sorry.
Well, I can't stop you from leaving, but if you have to, please accept my apology and part as my friend.
(EERIE MUSIC) Okay, then.
If Rachel shows up, I'll tell her you had to leave.
Enjoy the wedding.
(CHESTER WHISTLES) (SIGHS) (DRAMATIC BEAT) [WHISPERING] How did he know her name? How did he know her name? (CALL RINGS) OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency? [STAMMERING] Hi.
I'm at the Pink Motel and Lounge, and there's the owner or a guy who's who's looking after [FROM INSIDE ECHO] I need you to send someone out (NEON BUZZING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) MALE VOCALIST: Honey bee (POLICE SIREN SOUNDS) Guess there's nothing else to know (POLICE SIREN SOUNDS) Except I love you so LARRY: You know, so I'm in my car.
I had to check out because, I mean, he's been messing with me all night.
But he had said "Rachel," which is my sister, and there's no way that he knows what that's him.
That's that's him.
SHERIFF: Sir, can I talk to you for a minute? Found out about my kiddie porn, huh, Sheriff? Aw, just kidding.
They're all legal, barely.
Don't even joke about that, sir.
How'd you know her name, Chester? What are you talking about? Rachel.
I never told you her name, so if she hasn't been here, then how do you know it? Because you told me her name, you dope.
I mean, did you seriously call the cops because you forgot you told me your sister's name? I SHERIFF: All right.
I'll handle this, sir.
Where's Johnny and Sherrie? CHESTER: I'm just covering for them.
Step into my office.
All right.
Let's just calm down here.
I want you over there.
You, other room.
You and me gonna talk, sir.
(TENSE MUSIC) [INDISCERNIBLE CONVERSATION] (GASPS) CHESTER: So what can I do? I mean, I'm just keeping the place open, I can't be in charge of the crazies.
SHERIFF: Right, well, listen, it's a full moon out here so you're not the only one with crazy people tonight.
[INDISCERNIBLE CONVERSATION] (BREATHING HEAVILY) Sir sir! Please step away from there, that's private property.
Yeah, man, that stuff's confidential.
- LARRY: No look.
- I think.
You see? That's her name right there.
That's her name, she's checked in.
Where is she, Chester, what'd you do with her? CHESTER: Is something wrong, Larry? - Huh, you see? - Just relax and just wait, why you making a fist here, Larry? Oh! Oh, man! Ow, God! - What did you do? - I didn't touch him! Sir, you all right? LARRY: I didn't do anything! - SHERIFF: Sir, are you all right? - I didn't see that coming.
Sir, are you okay? What happened? Larry.
He hit me.
Did you seriously just punch him? - Where the fuck is - Not again.
(CRASHING THUD) Sir, I'm gonna have to take you in.
RACHEL: Larry? (LARRY GASPS, MOANS) Rachel? Larry! What the Ma'am, stay there.
He's coming with me.
Officer, let him go.
It's my fault.
(MELLOW MUSIC ON RADIO) This man just assaulted you.
Oh, I I pushed him too far, I've been winding him up all night.
Quite frankly, I've been a dick and I deserve a lot worse than getting suckerpunched.
So you're not gonna press charges? If anyone's guilty of anything here, it's me, of bad taste and shenanigans.
You gonna behave, son, hm? Yes.
RACHEL: Thank God he's okay.
SHERIFF: Now, I don't know what's going on with you two, but if I got to come back here tonight, I'm taking you both in.
- Ma'am.
- Uh, goodnight.
Is he giving you a hard time? Yeah, he's been playing these jokes on me all night.
Larry, that was great, that was great.
What the hell was that about, huh? Well, Larry was really worried about you, and then he freaked out and called the sheriff, and then I pulled this great April Fools prank - and got him to leave.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You called the sheriff on him? Yes, I thought that he did something to you.
What do you mean, did something to me? - I'm right here, okay? - LARRY: Okay, well, he knew your name, I didn't know that he it's just Well, Larry, it's an online reservation.
You know, I had to put my name down to book the room.
It prints out by itself.
I guess I should do a better job of keeping an eye on that, huh? RACHEL: Humph.
Hey, relax.
This is RACHEL: Hey, relax.
Uh Look at me.
- What took you so long? - Oh, God, there was a big accident, I got stuck on the freeway and I tried to do a detour.
Got really lost, and then I tried to text you and it wouldn't send through.
We're gonna forget this whole thing ever happened, you hear me? (SOFT MUSIC) And you're gonna get some sleep.
Recharge and enjoy the room on me, even though you suckerpunched me.
LARRY: I didn't.
CHESTER: You don't have to shake my hand, we're way beyond handshakes, buddy.
And you could have a room for free too, just for being so beautiful.
Wow, okay, I don't really know what's happening, but I like it.
- I'm gonna go to my room.
- RACHEL: Uh, wait, um.
It was really upsetting meeting you at first, but you seem lovely now.
A common refrain.
(EAGLE SCREECHING) RACHEL: I wonder if this is actually him.
No, it's sexual harassment is what it is.
I just don't think that he's funny.
Well, he could say the same thing about you calling the cops on him, you know? No, look, I mean, I kind of apologized.
okay, maybe he's not as bad as I thought.
- Hm.
- This wedding's really just messing with my head, you know? I know.
It's gonna be all right, okay? And you should give Cindy this.
(LAUGHTER) - Take it.
- Should we invite him - to the wedding? - Ohh -The Three Amigos? -Ugh! Go away! "Hey, Cindy.
" This is my giant cocked friend Chester.
"You cousin-fucking bitch.
" (CHUCKLING) (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Go! Go get it! (EERIE MUSIC) - It's Chester.
- Well, open it.
- No, shut off the lights! - He'll see, dude! Maybe he'll get the hint.
We're coming! (SIGHS) Sorry for interrupting, just dropping off a couple drinks.
Thought you might need them after the night you've had.
On the house.
Have a good night.
Say thank you, he's going.
LARRY: Um, hey, hey, Chester? Thanks, man, this is it's really nice.
And listen, I'm sorry again about Calling the cops? Punching me in the face? (DING) Don't worry about it.
Uh Hey, why don't we join you for a drink? Nah, it's late.
Come on, dude, just one drink.
All right, one drink! Just one, though, not two.
Maybe nine.
(CHESTER CHUCKLES) I'm just fucking with you.
We could have 12 if you want, I'm all set up.
All right.
You want to meet there? (UPBEAT MUSIC) - Aw, so you had to leave him.
- Yeah.
Hercules had to stay with our mom.
It wasn't very zen out there.
I was basically the least zen person in Tibet.
I've never been much for meditation.
I had an ex try to steal my mind once, so I had to steal her body.
(NOISY SUCKING) It was a joke.
Come on, guys, lighten up! I just watched her dog last week.
She's a big bitch.
Dog was fat, too.
(CHUCKLING) So are you ever serious, or Oh boy, the doctor's in.
Let me just lay on the couch.
I'll take two hand jobs and call you in the morning.
The structure of that joke doesn't even make sense.
Like, if I'm the doctor, I should be the one prescribing the hand jobs.
(CHUCKLING) Now we're getting somewhere.
So what's this guy's deal, Rach? Has he always been, you know, uptight? RACHEL: Oh, you should have seen him when he was a kid.
He was the funniest, happiest little guy.
Couldn't go two minutes without laughing.
And everyone adored him.
So what happened to him? Well, that Larry is still there, it's just that I'm the only one that gets to see it sometimes.
Or maybe he's just an asshole.
Uh oh! Whoa! He got it.
CHESTER: Okay, you two.
I wish I had that kind of closeness with somebody.
So what is your story, Chester? No story.
I'm just a goodtime guy.
A few drinks, a few laughs.
I'm a maker of cocktails and a purveyor of jokes.
To be honest, I'm not fucked up at all.
To new friends.
We'll be holding hands until the end of time (LARRY SIGHS) This is a very special batch.
LARRY: No, no, no, no, no, no, I can't do another one.
No, no, no, no! (SOFT MUSIC) So what's the real story with this wedding, man? Uh like, how do you mean? You got a real heaviness about you.
Your aura is all fumbled.
Feel like you're dying to let something out.
Level with me.
It's just it's just this girl.
What's her name? Cindy Hughes.
She's the only girl I ever wanted to marry.
But she dumped me the day before I was gonna propose.
And now, she's getting married tomorrow.
Who's she marrying? Pfft, you're never gonna believe this.
My first cousin.
You know, I keep wondering, like, what's more humiliating: to go and know that everyone knows or to not go, knowing that everyone there is gonna be secretly laughing at me? What you need to do is have the last laugh.
That's the end game, man.
That's how the loser wins.
LARRY: You know, actually I was thinking about doing something.
After Cindy dumped me, I wrote the letter to end all letters.
Just never had the guts to give it to her, but tomorrow, tomorrow I will.
Right before she says, "I do.
" Can I see it? Mmmm.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
We're having a moment here, Larry.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
You're never gonna see me again.
I'll tell you if I think you captured the right energy.
I've never let anyone read it.
Not even Rachel.
"Dear Cindy, words are really not my thing.
Cindy, I love you, I've never loved anyone" Ah, I love you, Lar.
That's fucking beautiful, man.
It's gonna crucify her.
What time is it? Uh, I don't know, it's late.
Well, uh, bedtime for Bonzo.
Yeah, I should probably be getting back to the desk.
Who knows how many customers I've missed.
All right, good night.
CHESTER: Oh, wait one sec.
I need to get a picture of you, can you come here? RACHEL: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I look like a scrub muffin.
CHESTER: Shut up, you look amazing.
Smile, babies.
(CAMERA CLICKS) RACHEL: Okay, all right.
Good night.
That's a great picture of me.
But just CHESTER: Good night, Lar-Bear.
(GENTLE MUSIC) FAKE CINDY: I love you, Larry.
(MUSIC DARKENING) (DRAMATIC BEAT) GERRY: What the fuck?! What the hell, come on, no! (GERRY SHOUTING) [SHOUTING] Jesus! [SOBBING] Who would do this to you? [SHOUTING] Who would do this to you? (GERRY GRUNTS) (GERRY WHIMPERING) (GERRY SHOUTING IN AGONY) - Who is oh, ah.
- Jesus.
- GERRY: Oh, no, Betty! - Who is this guy? - LARRY: He's just this biker guy.
- Betty, no! It looks like Chester went too far this time.
GERRY: [WHIMPERING] Who would who would do this to you? Not not Betty! You goddamn son of a bitch! Is there a problem, Gerald? I swear to fucking Christ, I'm gonna tear someone's fucking head off.
Oh, someone put a crotch on your crotch rocket.
Did you do this? You think this is funny? Oh, at least you won't mix it up with anyone else.
(GASPS) Jesus.
(GRUNTING) - Not funny, man.
- RACHEL: Guys.
- GERRY: Fuck you! - RACHEL: Guys, guys, stop it.
- GERRY: Who would do this? - Can we just talk about this? You want some of this, little man? I'm gonna cut you up, man.
(GRUNTING) What's he doing? (GRUNTING) (TENSE MUSIC) Chester.
[SHOUTING] I was just fucking with you! (GERRY WHINING IN PAIN) [CONCERNED] Oh man, oh man, oh man.
(GROANING) Gerald, are you okay? (GROANING) Gerald, things got carried away, man.
Are you okay, man? (GROANING) Are you okay? You okay? You okay, man? (GERRY WHIMPERING) GERRY: Please, Chester, please.
You need to learn to take a joke.
CHESTER: [CONCERNED] You okay, Gerald? Are you okay? You guys, I don't think he's all right.
Gerald, Gerald! RACHEL: What happened? CHESTER: Oh, no.
Oh! Oh, fuck, no.
He had a knife.
You saw, right? He was gonna kill me.
Gerald! He's dead.
I killed him.
Holy fuck, I fucking killed someone.
We have to call the police.
Everything's gonna be all right.
No, it won't.
I'll take care of it.
(TENSE MUSIC) LARRY: What are you what what are you doing? (LARRY AND RACHEL PLEADING NO) I'll call.
(RELIEVED SIGHS) Once I make this phone call, it's gonna change my life.
Larry, can I ask you to do something for me? O-okay.
Will you go get me some vodka? Some vodka? Okay, okay.
One last drink before the long walk.
All right, okay.
(PANTING) (CHESTER DIALING PHONE) (PHONE RINGING) CHESTER: Hello, Sheriff's Department? There's been a tragedy at the Pink Motel.
My friend is dead.
[SOBBING] It was an accident.
(LARRY AND RACHEL PANTING) LARRY: Holy shit, I can't believe what the hell is happening right now.
We have to call the cops.
- LARRY: Huh? - Now.
He said that he was calling them already.
You think he really made that call? I don't know.
I don't know.
- Give me your phone.
- Huh? - Give me your phone.
- Right.
God, come on.
- Call, call, call, call, call.
- I am, I am.
(PHONE RINGING) - OPERATOR: 9-1-1, what's your emergency? - Hello, hi, uh, yeah, I'm calling from the Pink Motel and Lounge.
- I wanted to report - OPERATOR: Um, yes, the sheriff's already on his way.
Are you currently in danger? RACHEL: No, not this second, no, but, um, uh, can you just make sure that he he's quick? - OPERATOR: Yes, I'll let him know.
- Okay, thank you.
I guess you were right, he, uh, he made the call.
What are you doing? I'm I'm I'm getting him that that vodka.
RACHEL: What? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (GASPS) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! (EAGLE SCREECHING) Looks like it's Johnny and Sherrie.
(TENSE MUSIC) Now I know you're probably thinking this elderly couple was horrendously murdered in the motel that they owned and operate.
(GLASS SHATTERING) And you're right, they were.
But not by me.
(CLATTERING) Turns out Johnny here was a worldclass pervert.
JOHNNY: I like to watch 'em fuck.
He had hidden cameras installed in every room.
(GLASS SHATTERING) JOHNNY: Dumb fucks don't know I'm watching.
And he was getting away with it for years until good old Chester came along and realized that something was rotten in the state of Denmark.
I figured it out! So I confronted him about it! SHERRIE: You're a bad man, John! CHESTER: And when I did, Sherrie felt the years of betrayal of not knowing that her husband was a pervert and she took out a knife.
- SHERRIE: I'm gonna kill you! - And she started stabbing Johnny.
JOHNNY: Not if I kill you first, bitch! And he started strangling her.
And there they were, both of them, intertwined in this embrace of death.
Killing each other.
(JOHNNY AND SHERRIE SCREAMING) It was the most honest expression of marriage I've ever seen in my life.
But you gotta believe I didn't have anything to do with it.
Do you believe me? (BREATHING ANXIOUSLY) Yeah, I believe you, Chester.
Let's get you that drink, huh? I knew there was a reason I liked this girl.
RACHEL: Shots all around.
Well, you're not gonna make me drink this by myself.
Hmm? (SHOT GLASS CLANKS) I was right.
What was it that Gerald said? It's rude to leave a drink that someone poured for you.
Oh, by the way, you never told me your sister's name.
I looked on your Facebook page.
(BOTTLE SHATTERS) [SHOUTING] Run! (TENSE MUSIC) LARRY: Fuck, my keys are in the room.
RACHEL: Mine too.
LARRY: My room, my room.
RACHEL: Over here.
Oh my God.
LARRY: Fuck, where the fuck are they? RACHEL: How am I supposed to know? - LARRY: Fuck.
- RACHEL: No! Oh, shit.
(TAPPING ON GLASS) Oh my God, oh my God! (RACHEL WHIMPERING) LARRY: No, no, no, no, no.
RACHEL: What are you doing? (GRUNTING) (DOOR LOCKS) What? He's still there.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
RACHEL: We have to warn the sheriff.
Fuck that, that sheriff hates me.
- Sheriff, you have to help us! - Don't move.
What? No.
No, no, no, it's just us from before, remember? The two of you on the ground now.
You you don't understand.
He is crazy.
All right, you've got to the count of three.
LARRY: Okay.
- Three.
- CHESTER: Thank you for coming, Sheriff.
My God, sir, are you all right? What happened? She hit me in the head with a bottle.
(WHIMPERING IN PAIN) Did you hit him in the head with a bottle? Yes.
But he killed those people in the diner, and and he killed a guy, the body's just (TENSE MUSIC) God damn it.
Oh, God.
I knew it was a bad idea not to take you in earlier.
Face down.
Right now, on the ground, now! LARRY: Officer, it wasn't us.
SHERIFF: I'm taking you in for aiding and abetting an idiot.
(RACHEL GROANING IN PAIN) (CHEERFUL DING) Hey, hey, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it! - RACHEL: Larry! - (LARRY SCREAMING) - (TASER ZAPPING) - [SHOUTING] RACHEL: Larry! Stop it, stop! Please stop! (LARRY CONVULSING) (LAUGHING) What are you laughing at? I'm just fuckin' with you.
That was priceless.
What are you talking about? I mean, it took a lot of work to set this up.
I told you, he's a psycho! Hey, shut up.
You're gonna get your chance, all right? (CHOKING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (GAGGING) Sheriff, are you okay? Are you okay, Sheriff? Are you okay, are you okay? Are you okay? Sheriff, Sheriff, I'll help you.
You're okay, man.
(SHERIFF GAGGING) Sheriff, are you okay? It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's all right, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.
(GASPING) Well, I never killed anyone like that before.
Larry, you gotta see this (LAUGHING) RACHEL: Get up, Larry.
- (CHESTER WHISTLING) - (TASER ZAPPING) What the fuck are you doing? - My bad.
- RACHEL: Larry, Larry, get up! - Larry, get up.
- Well, Larry, I'm sorry.
This trigger's loose, man.
(LARRY PANTING) Leave him alone! (WHISTLING, ZAPPING) [SCREAMING] Stop it, stop it! No, you stop it! RACHEL: Leave him alone.
Larry, can I help you to the car, man? Here, I'll open the door for you.
- CHESTER: Bang! - (SCREAMS) [NO AUDIO] Please.
RACHEL: [SHOUTS] Get the fuck away from me! Get away! Rachel, where you going? I'm just trying to get you to the wedding on time.
You need your keys.
I'm trying to get you to the wedding on time.
Larry, are you okay? Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
(CAR STARTING) - LARRY: Go, go, go, go, go.
- RACHEL: Oh, my God.
LARRY: Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
RACHEL: Are you okay? Hey, hey.
Drive safe.
- Fuck you, Chester! - Go, go, go, go, go, go.
He's a fucking serial killer.
Oh, my God.
(LOUD BANG) What the fuck is that noise? (PARTY HORNS BLOWING) What's happening? Come on! Oh, come on! [WHISPERING] What the fuck.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Come on, come on.
Oh, no, come on! (LAUGHING) (TENSE MUSIC) Okay, okay.
(CHESTER LAUGHING) Larry, get out.
Come on, come on.
- Oh my God.
I can't believe it fucking worked.
Come on, Larry.
Oh, get up, Larry, get up! CHESTER: I'm on fire.
(PANTING) I'm sorry.
(PARTY HORN BLOWING) CHESTER: Hey, guys, wait up! Go, go, go.
(EAGLE SCREECHING) (GROANING) [SCREAMING] RACHEL: What the fuck are you giving him?! Laughing gas, of course.
(LAUGHING) No, no, no, no, no, don't, no, no, no! Don't you fucking move! No! (SHRIEKING) [SCREAMING] No! No, no.
(GUN CLICKS) One, two, three.
You fucking - Five.
- monster! One more is six.
(GUN CLICKS) (GUN CLICKING) (FRUSTRATED SCREAMING) (GRUNTING, COUGHING) Get off me! - Get off me! - Hush, little baby, don't say a word Chester's gonna buy you a mockingbird (RACHEL STOPS WHIMPERING) [DISTORTED] You should know by now, Rachel.
I was just fucking with you.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (WATER LAPPING) (EERIE MUSIC) Am I dead? (EAGLE SCREECHING) (KING HARVEST, "DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT") KING HARVEST: We get it almost every night When that moon gets big and bright It's supernatural delight Everybody was dancing in the moonlight CHESTER: My friends, our guest of honor is awake.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Adams! Larry, if you fall in, you're gonna drown.
You can't move your arms yet.
It's too soon.
Just relax, my man.
I won't be able to save you.
I can't swim! (DISTORTED NOISE) Who are you? CHESTER: I am Judgment.
I am Wrath.
And you, Larry Adams, have been judgmented.
- That's not a word.
- CHESTER: How do you know, Larry? Do you have a thesaurus on that raft? LARRY: I don't feel well.
God help me.
CHESTER: God is helping you, Larry.
He loves you! This is the way He wants you to be.
Welcome to my Hawaiian luau, Larry.
You are my guest of honor.
Here's your golden lei.
Listen, Larry.
I'm not gonna lie to ya, I gave you a mega dose of ayahuasca and some other things.
You're gonna be feeling a little woozy.
You okay, man? Who am I? CHESTER: That's why we're all gathered here tonight, to find out who you really are.
You're in a very safe space, man.
I'm a trained shaman.
LARRY: Where's Rachel? Oh, Rachel's fine, man.
She's just changing into her bathing suit.
[DISTORTED] Perhaps we can go check on her.
[IN A DEEP VOICE] Let's put the ceremony on pause.
[NORMAL] Listen, LarBear, there's one more thing I need for you to do.
It's very important for your transition.
Okay, what is it? You kinda fucked things up for me tonight, if I'm being honest.
I had a fun evening planned, and then you came along.
You're the rarest of things.
What do you mean? Understand this: You're a man completely devoid of a sense of humor.
You're a dour curmudgeon with a scorpion sting.
[DISTORTED] You're the April Fool.
I know I am.
I want you to tell me, in all your newfound, drug-addled glory, who you really are.
Tell me who Larry Adams is.
Not the bullshit duality that you hide behind, not the mask you present to the world, but the real you.
The real you.
Good boy.
(EERIE MUSIC) (PANTING) What do you think? On the bed? I don't know.
Yeah, on the bed.
Sorry, I'm not much of a camera guy.
Okay, I'm ready, I think.
So, let the truth surge through you.
(PHONE BEEPS) Tell us both who you really are.
[WHISPERING] And action.
I'm a troll.
(TRANQUIL MUSIC) I Literally, I'm a troll.
I mean, on the outside, I'm I'm nice, I'm meek, I'm affable, but on the inside, my heart is full of bitterness.
I've never fit in.
I'm on the other side of the glass, always looking in.
CHESTER: This is fantastic, man.
Let it out.
You know, when I was young, I just I never had the ability to talk to other kids.
I never knew what to say.
It's like I'm a prisoner in my own head, and it makes me hate people.
So I created ProgrammingFlaw.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) He could do all the things that I never could.
I could be free.
He can destroy people with a single push of a button.
Sounds like a hell of a guy! LARRY: Oh, he is.
He's formidable.
He's everything that I'm not, and he's the only one who ever had my back, Rachel aside.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Thank God you have her.
LARRY: Deep down in my soul, I know who I am.
(MUSIC DARKENS) So who are you? [WHISPERING] I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
Lay it on me, man.
(DRAMATIC BEAT) We're beyond handshakes.
[ECHOING] You fully embrace the real powerful you.
I'm proud of you, Flaw.
For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.
Newton's third law of motion.
Rachel would call it karma, Larry would call it payback, I'll just call it fucking funny, man.
[SHOUTING] Rachel, come on out! She's just in there.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (EAGLE SCREECHING) No, no, no.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(EERIE MUSIC) [WEEPING] No, no, no, no, no! Rachel! Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
No! (SOBBING) You said she was okay.
You promised me.
(SOBBING) The transition wouldn't have worked otherwise, PFlaw.
You wouldn't have learned anything.
Why? Why not? (SOBBING) (PHONE CHIMING) (LAUGHING) (LARRY CONTINUES SOBBING) You want to know what's even funnier than this? I just posted your pathetic confession and sappy letter to Cindy on the wedding forum.
Comment highlights: "Pathetic note, bitch.
Of course she'd never marry you.
Get a life, freak.
What's wrong with you?" (SOBBING CONTINUES) "You're just really pathetic.
" (SOBBING) Oh, here's a good one.
It just says, "Die.
" (LAUGHING) And here's one from Cindy herself.
Ready? "You are a monster" CINDY: a monster.
I never even liked you.
CHESTER: "You're pathetic.
" Wow! She really hates you, Lar-Bear.
(DEEP BREATH) (LAUGHING) What? (LARRY CONTINUES LAUGHING) Do you know what? (LAUGHING) I was wrong about you.
(LAUGHING) Oh my God, you are funny.
I mean, I (LAUGHING) I mean, I I see it, man, I get it all now.
All of this was genius.
(LAUGHING) I mean, you're like Mozart, man.
You're like the Mozart of comedy.
(LAUGHING) I've been waiting all night for you to say that.
You're hilarious.
(LAUGHING) I mean, you're a funny fucker.
(LAUGHING) I mean, those guys, Gerald and the Sheriff, what is wrong with them? They should've been laughing too, man.
Oh my God, that dead couple? I mean, they just flatout deserved it.
(TENSE MUSIC) (LAUGHING) Oh, wait, are you filming this right now? (LAUGHING) CHESTER: Oh, we serial killers like to keep souvenirs.
(BOTH LAUGHING) PFlaw, you're a breath of fresh air in a slaughterhouse.
(LARRY CHUCKLES) But all good things must come to an end.
Any last requests? (GUN CLICKS) Well (CHUCKLES) I don't want to die here.
(LAUGHING) I mean, I don't want to live anymore.
I don't want to die here.
Let's go to the wedding.
Huh? All three of us.
(LAUGHING) I mean, there's there's a hill overlooking the festivities.
I mean, imagine the look on their dumbass faces when we rock up.
I mean, just me and Rachel, dead, just tumbling down a hill towards them.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Now that (LARRY CHUCKLING) (EAGLE SCREECHING) That would be fucking hilarious.
Are you just fucking with me? You tell me.
(FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (GROANING) Where you going? Let's take Rachel's car.
I'll drive.
- CHESTER: You want to drive? - Oh, come on, Chester.
Rachel would never let you drive her car.
Rachel! Rachel! Would you let Chester drive your car? Rachel says, "No fucking way.
" (CHUCKLING) Come on, Chester.
Your aura seems a little jumbled.
Look, man, I just wanted to say, thank you for everything.
- (LAUGHING) - Keys.
(KEYS JANGLING) Let's roll.
CHESTER: I'll fuck anything that moves! (INTENSE MUSIC) Or doesn't move.
Sorry, Rachel.
(LAUGHING) RAPPER: Get your face wrapped up Smacked up, we hold it down Drag you in the gym and I plan to cut that ass down Metal shards, my blade slicing your windpipe Strobe lights flashing, fury's blinding my eyesight CHESTER: Rachel, do you have to pee? (BOTH LAUGHING) (RAP MUSIC) (MELLOW MUSIC) Chester, can I tell you a joke? Absolutely, man.
So there's these two idiots, and they're driving down the road.
CHESTER: And? Okay, and they're called Larry and Chester.
(LAUGHING) And Larry's sister is sittin' in the back, woop, not sayin' a word.
- (LAUGHING) - I like it already.
Rachel, be quiet for the punchline, okay? (LAUGHING) And then Larry says to Chester, "If you could be anything in the world right now, what would you be?" And and Chester replies, "Well, I don't know, what would I be? I don't know, what would I be? (LAUGHING) "Well," says Larry, "you'd be Rachel's dog.
" Rachel's dog? (LAUGHING) LARRY: Yeah, that's right.
Chester would be Rachel's dog, Hercules.
(PANTING, BARKS) (LARRY LAUGHS) (LARRY BARKS) (PANTING) (LAUGHING) Now Chester says, "W-why would I be Hercules?" W-why would I be Hercules? "Well," says Larry, "Rachel just loved Hercules so much that she had him ride up front with her in the passenger seat.
" In fact, just right there in your seat right there.
CHESTER: [MUMBLING] Oh, you're so thoughtful, Rachel.
LARRY: I mean, it wasn't exactly legal, but she just loved that dog so much.
- CHESTER: Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Almost as much as she loved me.
She always wanted to keep him safe.
So, she made an alteration to the car! (LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) What's the punchline, Larry? What's the punchline? Oh, Chester.
The punchline is that because of Hercules Rachel disabled the airbags on one side of the car, Chester's side of the car.
Now I'm gonna drive us into a fucking wall.
You wouldn't, Larry.
LARRY: You're right.
Larry wouldn't have the balls.
But I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
(DARK RAP MUSIC) RAPPER: Yo, blood spray and the blood splatter She loves the way I'm looking when I come and the paint splatters She's an open book that I can read but I'd rather fuck I don't want to talk no more, I just want to nut This is where we both hold hands to the bitter end But fuck that, let's walk through hell to see how this ends Now I'm staring at myself in the broken glass Thinking how I let you slip away, I'm still wanting that ass If I get one more time, I'll let you know How I want to kill everything that you try to grow How I want to fuck every part of your wretched soul How I want to break you inside and make it slow I ain't got a gun in my hand, just fucking raw She ain't got a bullet in the chamber but she got all sheen Gotta beg me to come disassemble her When she wants a man, I'm the one that convinces her So take it in your mouth, baby doll, this is elegance Watch it as the world burns in this irrelevance If we could die together, free the blood of the excellence Girl, 'cause I'm hellbound, that or I'm heaven‐sent 'Cause I'm hellbound, that or I'm heaven‐sent 'Cause I'm hellbound, that or I'm heaven‐sent 'Cause I'm hellbound, that or I'm heaven‐sent With the blood that you spilled We the bosses, make 'em black Flooding my intensity and dive in your hornet's nest I love you till it burns, that's the part that can kill us both To blow apart our particles and lower this overdose I'm hellbound, that or I'm heaven‐sent 'Cause I'm hellbound, that or I'm heaven‐sent 'Cause I'm hellbound, that or I'm heaven‐sent With the blood that you spilled LARRY: I'm just fucking with you.