It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s04e10 Episode Script
Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack
What the shit is this? Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Deandra, this is wacky.
Go download me a hoagie off the Internet.
I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense.
Oh, God, you guys.
Oh, weird, I feel weird.
- Rip another one.
- Yeah, say something else stupid, too.
My arm's kind of numb.
Dennis, can you feel my head? Am I hot? - I'm not touching you.
- We're enjoying ourselves over here.
I'm serious, you guys.
Something's not right.
- There's pigeons in the bar.
- I feel Pigeons in the bar.
I'm being really serious, you guys, I need some he Good one.
- What is her problem? - I don't know.
- So heart attack.
- Yeah, yikes.
Yeah, that's what I was trying to say.
And the EMT says basically I'm like a ticking time bomb at this point 'cause it was just a little one.
I didn't know women could have heart attacks.
You know, what's scary about this whole thing, really, is that I have the same genes as her.
I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well.
We lead a very rock-and-roll lifestyle.
I know.
I just had a heart attack.
Can we focus on me for two minutes here? - I feel like we did talk about you.
- Dee, your ship has sailed.
Okay, it's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on.
Guys, we got to make sure that this does not happen to us.
That's the important thing here.
We need to focus on ourselves - Ms.
Reynolds? - Doctor, thank God.
Listen, let's just do all the tests you've got, okay? I feel like the big one's right around the corner.
Well, actually, Ms.
Reynolds, first we need to discuss how you'll be paying for your stay.
Paying? This is a hospital.
- Since when do you pay to stay in a hospital? - Since always.
Uh, no, I believe that is what taxes are for.
Yeah, you don't pay a fireman to put out a fire.
Or a cop to shoot a guy or How do you not know how this works? You've been in a hospital before.
I guess I must have slipped through the cracks.
I do always give a fake name 'cause I like to stay off the grid.
They usually just give me a bunch of antibiotics, - the sores go away, and I walk out.
- Shut up.
- Doctor, I have health insurance.
- Yeah, we're on our father's policy.
You guys, check out this cool gown.
Really lets your ass breathe.
- Oh, my God.
- Son of a bitch.
Why are you wearing that thing, dude? I'm getting a full-body scan.
I've been partying real hard lately.
Whatever.
She needs to see the insurance card.
I canceled that shit when you were nine.
- You canceled our insurance policy? - What? What, am I gonna carry that burden around? You couldn't have given us a heads-up about that a long time ago? Okay, let me get this straight.
Ms.
Reynolds, you have no health insurance? - No, I don't.
- Okay.
Well, get out.
Harsh.
Why is the government not providing us with health insurance? I mean, what is this, like some kind of socialist country or some kind of communist dictatorship? This is insane, this is un American.
You don't pay for health insurance.
That's crazy.
All I know is we need to find insurance ASAP.
Oh, my God, we're going to get sick eventually.
So we just find a couple of side jobs, right? That way we'll have insurance, and when disaster inevitably occurs, we'll be covered.
- We'll be covered.
- Okay, here we go.
"Position available.
Major sales corporation.
Motivated individuals.
Good interpersonal skills".
You don't have to say anymore.
That's us, that is us.
"Salary and benefits".
Jesus.
Why are you still wearing that thing, dude? - Did you wear that all the way here? - I let my ass breathe.
You keep saying that, but I don't know what it means.
Yeah, how does an ass breathe? Explain that to me.
- How does a? - Just leave me alone, okay?! I can't get worked up.
My doctor told me not to get worked up.
I'm under too much stress.
Yeah That's a lot of pills, dude.
Yeah, that's the beauty of having insurance.
You can get the top-quality anti-anxiety drugs.
Wow, you got a lot of 'em, huh? - What are you doing? - I'm taking 'em because I can't sift through the duds.
I got to take 'em all because I got to get healthy really fast.
- You're taking 'em all at once? - Yeah.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- It seems a bit aggressive to me.
I know what I'm doing! Oh, this is great, Dee.
This is perfect.
I mean, getting in shape is like the best health insurance you can get.
Yeah, you take care of your body, you don't need a doctor.
I want that.
That's exactly right, yeah.
You look good, you feel good.
- It's all connected, baby.
- It's connected.
You're talking about the mind- body-abs connection.
I would personally like to - get some side abs going.
- You want to get some side abs? That's a good idea.
You know what I'm concerned about? - I don't want to get too bulky.
- Right.
I want to stay nice and lean and tight.
I want to get that Jesus-on-the-cross look.
I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core because Absolutely.
Jesus had, like, the best abs.
He had the right idea.
- Hey, he knew: no pain, no gain.
- He had good messages.
I'm sure he started that.
All right, well, let's do some cardio since we're here.
Yeah, here we are.
Let's, uh, let's get our blood pumping.
Let's hop on these treadmills and, uh, you know, let's do this thing.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
- I don't know if I'm ready.
- I'm not feeling ready.
Uh, I'll tell you why.
I feel a little low-energy.
That's what it is.
We need to fuel up.
Now, I see people utilizing a lot of shakes and powders around here.
- We should probably look into that.
- We should do that.
You know what else we should do? Get some new outfits.
Let's get some new outfits.
That's a great idea.
You decided to rock jeans, for instance.
I'm confused by that.
Yeah, uh, I chose jeans.
I'm not seeing a lot of other jeans - I've never seen jeans in a gym.
- Okay, well, look, that's fine.
This is what we'll do.
We'll dial it back.
We'll get fueled up, we'll get some sick new outfits, and then we'll come back and work out.
Let's go.
"Official résumé*** of Mac and Charlie".
So both of you are Well, gentlemen, I've never seen two people share a resume before.
Well, we thought we'd save paper.
You know, go green.
Uh, "Work experience: Paddy's Pub management"? And duties that include "ordering supplies and taking care of business".
T.
C.
O.
B.
Uh, "Business coordinator for several year"-- I don't know who this is.
- Coordinator.
- Okay.
"For several years, I've been in complete charge of pretty much everything in my life.
" - I don't miss a beat.
- That would actually be him.
Uh, not-- pretty much everything.
There's certain things that you just can't have control of, sir.
I think you'll find that what we lack in formal education, we more than make up for in street smarts.
Okay, so we can wheel, we can deal, we can oversee hostile takeovers.
- Whatever you need, bud.
- You name it.
It's a mailroom gig, and there's only one spot available.
Kind of a package deal.
We sort of work as a team.
I'll tell you what.
What if we split the pay right down the middle? - You'd be willing to do that? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this has nothing to do with money.
This is sort of a health insurance situation for us so, you know, frankly, you don't even really have to pay us at all.
Legally, I have to pay you something, but, uh, - minimum wage maybe? - Minimum wage? Are you kidding me? - That's great.
- Absolutely.
That's a government salary right there, yeah.
Well, you drive a hard bargain.
The job is both of yours.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations to you.
- Bro.
- Minimum wage.
Minimum wage.
Fat burner? Well, I'm already on a nitric oxide energy stack, but yeah, sure, I'll take some fat burner-- why not? All right, everybody.
Before we begin today, are there any physical ailments that I should know about first? - Uh, yeah, I just had a heart attack.
- Excuse me? I just had a heart attack.
Maybe you should turn this techno music down.
Yeah, I got to be honest, buddy, I'm not really feeling these tunes.
- Boom, there we go.
- Hey, what are you doing? I'm rifling through your music, and it's pretty terrible.
- Yeah, you know what, put it down.
- Does he have any '80s? Doesn't appear to.
No, it seems like he's got a bunch of goddamn dance mixes.
Hang on.
It's all good.
I got a Steve Winwood CD in my car.
I'll just go out and grab that.
Okay, listen, don't do that.
Please don't do that.
- Why, what's wrong with Steve Winwood? - Yeah, man, "Higher Love"? It's a classic.
Listen, I pick the music in this class, okay? Oh, no, no, no.
I apologize.
I had no idea that this was all about you.
First of all, I don't think you should even be here if you just had a heart attack, ma'am.
Well, maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch.
You just dogged, bro.
You just got dogged.
Guys, please leave my class.
Spin class.
A bunch of hamsters on a wheel.
I'm gonna ride a bike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast and oh, yeah, I'm not gonna go anywhere.
And then when I walk out, I'm gonna put a bunch of metal onto a metal bar and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.
You know, I got to be honest with you.
I feel like these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I've got tons of energy.
My heart rate's up.
Things are going great.
Absolutely.
I feel good, too.
Look how vascular I am.
Look at how my veins are popping.
I look good, and I feel good.
I feel good, too, apart from the recent bouts of explosive diarrhea.
Been having diarrhea? - Oh, God, all over the place.
- Really? You know what that is? That's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.
- You think so? - I do think so.
I, on the other hand, have not taken a shit in days.
- Days? - Days.
- That doesn't sound good.
- Oh, no, it's good.
My body's working at 100% efficiency, yeah.
My body is absorbing every single nutrient, and it's not wasting a single thing.
Your body's taking its job very seriously.
My body is doing its job like it's never done before.
Okay, we're gonna start climbing just a little more.
Why don't we up the supplements, which we know work, and eliminate working out, which we know blows? That sounds like a pretty good plan.
You know what, I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time.
And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.
Which muscle? The face.
That's a gift for you, bumblebee.
- Come on.
- Enjoy it, Coach Dick and Balls.
Mr.
Taylor whose grandpa was a sailor.
There you go, Mr.
Scott who drinks his coffee hot.
There it is.
Mr.
White whose wife is not too bright, there you go.
Come on, dude, I'm trying to network by the water cooler.
Yeah, and I'm doing both of our jobs here, so you want to help out? Okay, the mail doesn't stop down there, Mac.
I need help.
All right, this is Felix's pile.
He receives for Eric.
He receives for Janet.
Don't ever look Janet in the eye because she's a horrible devil woman.
I feel like you are taking this shit way too seriously.
Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail, okay? Now, Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando, so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.
Oh, wait a second.
This guy's in Orlando for the week? Yeah, man, come on, help me out here.
Oh, hold on a second, bro.
This is the perfect opportunity.
I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Have you seen The Secret of My Success? They're gonna catch on to you.
Yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that will save the company millions, and they'll be forced to promote me.
Are you sure? How does that movie end, dude? I can't rember.
He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the '80s.
"Day Bow Bow.
" What the hell is "Day Bow Bow"? No, Mac, seriously Beautiful.
At least give him his mail.
Jesus Christ, dude, what's going on in here? I'm really behind the eight ball, Mac.
The mail doesn't stop, bud.
- You're smoking now? - Yeah, I'm smoking now.
You kidding me? My nerves are like So I'm trying to smoke.
I'm trying to calm myself down, and hey, we got insurance, so what the hell, I can smoke.
Maybe you're right 'cause I need to calm my nerves a bit, dude.
It's a shark tank up there.
Oh, yeah, is it? I bet.
Have some coffee, too.
That will calm you down.
What's your system here, bro? It's pretty complicated.
The mail goes into three sections according to how important I think the thing looks, okay? Now, the least important stuff, I'm gonna burn that.
If it's important, they're gonna send it again, right? The middle important stuff, I put that back in the mail addressed to me so I buy myself a couple more days.
And the most important stuff, that gets delivered, although, you know something, Mac, I actually burn that, too, most of the time.
Okay, well, it looks like you've got this under control.
I'm gonna get back to my office.
- All right, bud, all right.
- Yeah, no, I'm just I'm - The mail doesn't stop! - Okay, sorry, buddy.
All right, I'm gonna get back to my office, and then You know, I'll see you later.
All right, man.
Okay, bud.
You're not gonna stop, are you? Come on, man, hit me.
Come on, hit me again.
Come on.
Look.
I found him wandering the streets.
No ID, no nothing.
Figure we turn him over to you until someone claimed him.
- Poor thing.
- Careful.
I think he crapped himself.
This way.
Right through here.
Hit me, hit me again.
Hit me.
Hello? Hi.
Who is this? This is Mac.
I'm the new guy.
What are you doing in my office? Who are you, and why are you in my office? Who is this? This is Johnson.
I thought you were in Orlando.
I am in Orlando.
I'm trying to check my voicemail.
I can check it for you.
No, don't just What is your name, sir? Why don't you just give me your name? Your full name, sir.
Oh, this is going to be great, sis.
I mean, we already got the mind, body and soul going.
Now all we need is to get our faces nice and tight, and we'll be healthy as all hell.
I know.
Now, you're clear on these instructions, right? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
You know what you're doing? They're in Spanish.
Yeah, but you know, if you know Latin, you know, like, three languages, so As far as I know, you don't speak Latin.
I don't speak Latin, but there's pictures in here, so I think we're good.
So you're good with the pictures then? Can we get going with this, though? 'Cause those supplements are giving me the squirts like you would not believe.
Oh, man, I would kill for your bowel movements right now.
I am so blocked up.
I'm gonna do your eyes first, - so hold really still.
- Easy, easy.
Seriously, do not move.
- It's in? - It's out.
- It's out? - I did it.
- It's out, and it's in.
- Pretty good, right? Painless.
Great.
Let's just let that settle for a minute, and I'll Think about what I would like to do.
Number one, I'd like to get rid of these crow's feet that I have been noticing coming in, which I do not appreciate.
And hear me out on this one.
It's a little weird.
I'm thinking about doing something to my earlobes.
I've never really liked my earlobes.
Jesus! What? How's that eye feel? Oh, it feels a little weird.
I'm having a little trouble seeing out of it.
- That's normal, right? - I don't think so.
It's not? Really? God, now that you mention it, sis, I do feel a fair amount of pain coming on.
God, it stings.
Shit, Dennis, I think maybe I switched these up.
You switched 'em up? - I don't know.
I'm thinking - What the hell! Maybe I put some collagen in your eye.
You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?! Sorry.
I can't handle the stress you're giving me right now.
My heart is very weak.
It's a lot of pressure.
Oh, God, I think I'm going blind in one eye.
Well, hold on a second.
I feel very weird.
I'm going blind.
I feel like my heart might explode.
Are you feeling better today? I like to hear that.
Now take your medication.
Good.
That's good.
Hello, Chief.
They're onto me, dude.
Those guys are sharp as nails up there.
You can't put anything past them.
Oh, my God, dude, I'm freaking out.
I am so stressed out.
I feel like I'm having a panic attack.
You want to talk about stress? You want to talk about stress?! Okay? I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac.
How about that for stress? What the hell are you talking about? This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it.
Check this out.
Take a look at this.
- Jesus Christ, Charlie.
- That right there is the mail.
Now, let's talk about the mail.
Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia This name keeps coming up over and over again.
Every day, Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me.
I look in the mail.
This whole box is Pepe Silvia.
So, I say to myself, I got to find this guy.
I got to go up to his office.
I got to put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands.
Otherwise he's never gonna get it.
He's gonna keep coming back down here, so I go up to Pepe's office, and what do I find out? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia.
The man does not exist, okay? So, I decide, "Oh, shit, buddy.
I got to dig a little deeper.
" There's no Pepe Silvia.
You got to be kidding me.
I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in HR, and I knock on her door, and I say, Carol, I got to talk to you about Pepe.
" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single, goddamn desk in that office.
There is no Carol in HR.
Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up.
This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Okay, Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis.
It's all they're talking about up there.
Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Well, calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
What? We're not gonna get fired.
We're not? 'Cause we've already been fired.
We've lost our jobs?! About three days ago, a couple of pink slips came in the mail.
One for you and one for me.
So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia, okay? Charlie, if we've lost our jobs, that means we've lost our health insurance, which means all of this was for nothing.
Goddamn it, dude.
I'm having a panic attack.
I am actually having a panic attack.
Oh, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee? I am, bro.
- All right, well, fine.
- You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette.
He's freaking out.
Who? Barney.
He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Barney?! Who the hell is Barney?! You don't see Bar? Oh, shit, where the hell did he? You've lost your mind.
You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie.
Jesus Christ, dude, will you forget the mail, all right? Forget the mail? The mail's the most important thing in the world now.
Dude, you're gonna give me another panic attack.
- You have a cigarette? - I hear Barney.
Where's Barney, huh? How long is the wait at this place?! We have been here for hours and hours.
Goddamn Frank.
Where the hell is he? Shit! Where am I? Tonto Come here.
Come on, bub, let's go.
Get up.
You got to help me out here.
Pick this up and throw it through this window.
Pick throw.
That's it.
That's it.
One Two and three.
Beautiful.
Come on.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Come on.
You go first.
Deandra, this is wacky.
Go download me a hoagie off the Internet.
I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense.
Oh, God, you guys.
Oh, weird, I feel weird.
- Rip another one.
- Yeah, say something else stupid, too.
My arm's kind of numb.
Dennis, can you feel my head? Am I hot? - I'm not touching you.
- We're enjoying ourselves over here.
I'm serious, you guys.
Something's not right.
- There's pigeons in the bar.
- I feel Pigeons in the bar.
I'm being really serious, you guys, I need some he Good one.
- What is her problem? - I don't know.
- So heart attack.
- Yeah, yikes.
Yeah, that's what I was trying to say.
And the EMT says basically I'm like a ticking time bomb at this point 'cause it was just a little one.
I didn't know women could have heart attacks.
You know, what's scary about this whole thing, really, is that I have the same genes as her.
I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well.
We lead a very rock-and-roll lifestyle.
I know.
I just had a heart attack.
Can we focus on me for two minutes here? - I feel like we did talk about you.
- Dee, your ship has sailed.
Okay, it's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on.
Guys, we got to make sure that this does not happen to us.
That's the important thing here.
We need to focus on ourselves - Ms.
Reynolds? - Doctor, thank God.
Listen, let's just do all the tests you've got, okay? I feel like the big one's right around the corner.
Well, actually, Ms.
Reynolds, first we need to discuss how you'll be paying for your stay.
Paying? This is a hospital.
- Since when do you pay to stay in a hospital? - Since always.
Uh, no, I believe that is what taxes are for.
Yeah, you don't pay a fireman to put out a fire.
Or a cop to shoot a guy or How do you not know how this works? You've been in a hospital before.
I guess I must have slipped through the cracks.
I do always give a fake name 'cause I like to stay off the grid.
They usually just give me a bunch of antibiotics, - the sores go away, and I walk out.
- Shut up.
- Doctor, I have health insurance.
- Yeah, we're on our father's policy.
You guys, check out this cool gown.
Really lets your ass breathe.
- Oh, my God.
- Son of a bitch.
Why are you wearing that thing, dude? I'm getting a full-body scan.
I've been partying real hard lately.
Whatever.
She needs to see the insurance card.
I canceled that shit when you were nine.
- You canceled our insurance policy? - What? What, am I gonna carry that burden around? You couldn't have given us a heads-up about that a long time ago? Okay, let me get this straight.
Ms.
Reynolds, you have no health insurance? - No, I don't.
- Okay.
Well, get out.
Harsh.
Why is the government not providing us with health insurance? I mean, what is this, like some kind of socialist country or some kind of communist dictatorship? This is insane, this is un American.
You don't pay for health insurance.
That's crazy.
All I know is we need to find insurance ASAP.
Oh, my God, we're going to get sick eventually.
So we just find a couple of side jobs, right? That way we'll have insurance, and when disaster inevitably occurs, we'll be covered.
- We'll be covered.
- Okay, here we go.
"Position available.
Major sales corporation.
Motivated individuals.
Good interpersonal skills".
You don't have to say anymore.
That's us, that is us.
"Salary and benefits".
Jesus.
Why are you still wearing that thing, dude? - Did you wear that all the way here? - I let my ass breathe.
You keep saying that, but I don't know what it means.
Yeah, how does an ass breathe? Explain that to me.
- How does a? - Just leave me alone, okay?! I can't get worked up.
My doctor told me not to get worked up.
I'm under too much stress.
Yeah That's a lot of pills, dude.
Yeah, that's the beauty of having insurance.
You can get the top-quality anti-anxiety drugs.
Wow, you got a lot of 'em, huh? - What are you doing? - I'm taking 'em because I can't sift through the duds.
I got to take 'em all because I got to get healthy really fast.
- You're taking 'em all at once? - Yeah.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- It seems a bit aggressive to me.
I know what I'm doing! Oh, this is great, Dee.
This is perfect.
I mean, getting in shape is like the best health insurance you can get.
Yeah, you take care of your body, you don't need a doctor.
I want that.
That's exactly right, yeah.
You look good, you feel good.
- It's all connected, baby.
- It's connected.
You're talking about the mind- body-abs connection.
I would personally like to - get some side abs going.
- You want to get some side abs? That's a good idea.
You know what I'm concerned about? - I don't want to get too bulky.
- Right.
I want to stay nice and lean and tight.
I want to get that Jesus-on-the-cross look.
I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core because Absolutely.
Jesus had, like, the best abs.
He had the right idea.
- Hey, he knew: no pain, no gain.
- He had good messages.
I'm sure he started that.
All right, well, let's do some cardio since we're here.
Yeah, here we are.
Let's, uh, let's get our blood pumping.
Let's hop on these treadmills and, uh, you know, let's do this thing.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
- I don't know if I'm ready.
- I'm not feeling ready.
Uh, I'll tell you why.
I feel a little low-energy.
That's what it is.
We need to fuel up.
Now, I see people utilizing a lot of shakes and powders around here.
- We should probably look into that.
- We should do that.
You know what else we should do? Get some new outfits.
Let's get some new outfits.
That's a great idea.
You decided to rock jeans, for instance.
I'm confused by that.
Yeah, uh, I chose jeans.
I'm not seeing a lot of other jeans - I've never seen jeans in a gym.
- Okay, well, look, that's fine.
This is what we'll do.
We'll dial it back.
We'll get fueled up, we'll get some sick new outfits, and then we'll come back and work out.
Let's go.
"Official résumé*** of Mac and Charlie".
So both of you are Well, gentlemen, I've never seen two people share a resume before.
Well, we thought we'd save paper.
You know, go green.
Uh, "Work experience: Paddy's Pub management"? And duties that include "ordering supplies and taking care of business".
T.
C.
O.
B.
Uh, "Business coordinator for several year"-- I don't know who this is.
- Coordinator.
- Okay.
"For several years, I've been in complete charge of pretty much everything in my life.
" - I don't miss a beat.
- That would actually be him.
Uh, not-- pretty much everything.
There's certain things that you just can't have control of, sir.
I think you'll find that what we lack in formal education, we more than make up for in street smarts.
Okay, so we can wheel, we can deal, we can oversee hostile takeovers.
- Whatever you need, bud.
- You name it.
It's a mailroom gig, and there's only one spot available.
Kind of a package deal.
We sort of work as a team.
I'll tell you what.
What if we split the pay right down the middle? - You'd be willing to do that? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this has nothing to do with money.
This is sort of a health insurance situation for us so, you know, frankly, you don't even really have to pay us at all.
Legally, I have to pay you something, but, uh, - minimum wage maybe? - Minimum wage? Are you kidding me? - That's great.
- Absolutely.
That's a government salary right there, yeah.
Well, you drive a hard bargain.
The job is both of yours.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations to you.
- Bro.
- Minimum wage.
Minimum wage.
Fat burner? Well, I'm already on a nitric oxide energy stack, but yeah, sure, I'll take some fat burner-- why not? All right, everybody.
Before we begin today, are there any physical ailments that I should know about first? - Uh, yeah, I just had a heart attack.
- Excuse me? I just had a heart attack.
Maybe you should turn this techno music down.
Yeah, I got to be honest, buddy, I'm not really feeling these tunes.
- Boom, there we go.
- Hey, what are you doing? I'm rifling through your music, and it's pretty terrible.
- Yeah, you know what, put it down.
- Does he have any '80s? Doesn't appear to.
No, it seems like he's got a bunch of goddamn dance mixes.
Hang on.
It's all good.
I got a Steve Winwood CD in my car.
I'll just go out and grab that.
Okay, listen, don't do that.
Please don't do that.
- Why, what's wrong with Steve Winwood? - Yeah, man, "Higher Love"? It's a classic.
Listen, I pick the music in this class, okay? Oh, no, no, no.
I apologize.
I had no idea that this was all about you.
First of all, I don't think you should even be here if you just had a heart attack, ma'am.
Well, maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch.
You just dogged, bro.
You just got dogged.
Guys, please leave my class.
Spin class.
A bunch of hamsters on a wheel.
I'm gonna ride a bike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast and oh, yeah, I'm not gonna go anywhere.
And then when I walk out, I'm gonna put a bunch of metal onto a metal bar and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.
You know, I got to be honest with you.
I feel like these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I've got tons of energy.
My heart rate's up.
Things are going great.
Absolutely.
I feel good, too.
Look how vascular I am.
Look at how my veins are popping.
I look good, and I feel good.
I feel good, too, apart from the recent bouts of explosive diarrhea.
Been having diarrhea? - Oh, God, all over the place.
- Really? You know what that is? That's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.
- You think so? - I do think so.
I, on the other hand, have not taken a shit in days.
- Days? - Days.
- That doesn't sound good.
- Oh, no, it's good.
My body's working at 100% efficiency, yeah.
My body is absorbing every single nutrient, and it's not wasting a single thing.
Your body's taking its job very seriously.
My body is doing its job like it's never done before.
Okay, we're gonna start climbing just a little more.
Why don't we up the supplements, which we know work, and eliminate working out, which we know blows? That sounds like a pretty good plan.
You know what, I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time.
And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.
Which muscle? The face.
That's a gift for you, bumblebee.
- Come on.
- Enjoy it, Coach Dick and Balls.
Mr.
Taylor whose grandpa was a sailor.
There you go, Mr.
Scott who drinks his coffee hot.
There it is.
Mr.
White whose wife is not too bright, there you go.
Come on, dude, I'm trying to network by the water cooler.
Yeah, and I'm doing both of our jobs here, so you want to help out? Okay, the mail doesn't stop down there, Mac.
I need help.
All right, this is Felix's pile.
He receives for Eric.
He receives for Janet.
Don't ever look Janet in the eye because she's a horrible devil woman.
I feel like you are taking this shit way too seriously.
Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail, okay? Now, Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando, so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.
Oh, wait a second.
This guy's in Orlando for the week? Yeah, man, come on, help me out here.
Oh, hold on a second, bro.
This is the perfect opportunity.
I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Have you seen The Secret of My Success? They're gonna catch on to you.
Yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that will save the company millions, and they'll be forced to promote me.
Are you sure? How does that movie end, dude? I can't rember.
He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the '80s.
"Day Bow Bow.
" What the hell is "Day Bow Bow"? No, Mac, seriously Beautiful.
At least give him his mail.
Jesus Christ, dude, what's going on in here? I'm really behind the eight ball, Mac.
The mail doesn't stop, bud.
- You're smoking now? - Yeah, I'm smoking now.
You kidding me? My nerves are like So I'm trying to smoke.
I'm trying to calm myself down, and hey, we got insurance, so what the hell, I can smoke.
Maybe you're right 'cause I need to calm my nerves a bit, dude.
It's a shark tank up there.
Oh, yeah, is it? I bet.
Have some coffee, too.
That will calm you down.
What's your system here, bro? It's pretty complicated.
The mail goes into three sections according to how important I think the thing looks, okay? Now, the least important stuff, I'm gonna burn that.
If it's important, they're gonna send it again, right? The middle important stuff, I put that back in the mail addressed to me so I buy myself a couple more days.
And the most important stuff, that gets delivered, although, you know something, Mac, I actually burn that, too, most of the time.
Okay, well, it looks like you've got this under control.
I'm gonna get back to my office.
- All right, bud, all right.
- Yeah, no, I'm just I'm - The mail doesn't stop! - Okay, sorry, buddy.
All right, I'm gonna get back to my office, and then You know, I'll see you later.
All right, man.
Okay, bud.
You're not gonna stop, are you? Come on, man, hit me.
Come on, hit me again.
Come on.
Look.
I found him wandering the streets.
No ID, no nothing.
Figure we turn him over to you until someone claimed him.
- Poor thing.
- Careful.
I think he crapped himself.
This way.
Right through here.
Hit me, hit me again.
Hit me.
Hello? Hi.
Who is this? This is Mac.
I'm the new guy.
What are you doing in my office? Who are you, and why are you in my office? Who is this? This is Johnson.
I thought you were in Orlando.
I am in Orlando.
I'm trying to check my voicemail.
I can check it for you.
No, don't just What is your name, sir? Why don't you just give me your name? Your full name, sir.
Oh, this is going to be great, sis.
I mean, we already got the mind, body and soul going.
Now all we need is to get our faces nice and tight, and we'll be healthy as all hell.
I know.
Now, you're clear on these instructions, right? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
You know what you're doing? They're in Spanish.
Yeah, but you know, if you know Latin, you know, like, three languages, so As far as I know, you don't speak Latin.
I don't speak Latin, but there's pictures in here, so I think we're good.
So you're good with the pictures then? Can we get going with this, though? 'Cause those supplements are giving me the squirts like you would not believe.
Oh, man, I would kill for your bowel movements right now.
I am so blocked up.
I'm gonna do your eyes first, - so hold really still.
- Easy, easy.
Seriously, do not move.
- It's in? - It's out.
- It's out? - I did it.
- It's out, and it's in.
- Pretty good, right? Painless.
Great.
Let's just let that settle for a minute, and I'll Think about what I would like to do.
Number one, I'd like to get rid of these crow's feet that I have been noticing coming in, which I do not appreciate.
And hear me out on this one.
It's a little weird.
I'm thinking about doing something to my earlobes.
I've never really liked my earlobes.
Jesus! What? How's that eye feel? Oh, it feels a little weird.
I'm having a little trouble seeing out of it.
- That's normal, right? - I don't think so.
It's not? Really? God, now that you mention it, sis, I do feel a fair amount of pain coming on.
God, it stings.
Shit, Dennis, I think maybe I switched these up.
You switched 'em up? - I don't know.
I'm thinking - What the hell! Maybe I put some collagen in your eye.
You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?! Sorry.
I can't handle the stress you're giving me right now.
My heart is very weak.
It's a lot of pressure.
Oh, God, I think I'm going blind in one eye.
Well, hold on a second.
I feel very weird.
I'm going blind.
I feel like my heart might explode.
Are you feeling better today? I like to hear that.
Now take your medication.
Good.
That's good.
Hello, Chief.
They're onto me, dude.
Those guys are sharp as nails up there.
You can't put anything past them.
Oh, my God, dude, I'm freaking out.
I am so stressed out.
I feel like I'm having a panic attack.
You want to talk about stress? You want to talk about stress?! Okay? I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac.
How about that for stress? What the hell are you talking about? This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it.
Check this out.
Take a look at this.
- Jesus Christ, Charlie.
- That right there is the mail.
Now, let's talk about the mail.
Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia This name keeps coming up over and over again.
Every day, Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me.
I look in the mail.
This whole box is Pepe Silvia.
So, I say to myself, I got to find this guy.
I got to go up to his office.
I got to put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands.
Otherwise he's never gonna get it.
He's gonna keep coming back down here, so I go up to Pepe's office, and what do I find out? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia.
The man does not exist, okay? So, I decide, "Oh, shit, buddy.
I got to dig a little deeper.
" There's no Pepe Silvia.
You got to be kidding me.
I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in HR, and I knock on her door, and I say, Carol, I got to talk to you about Pepe.
" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single, goddamn desk in that office.
There is no Carol in HR.
Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up.
This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Okay, Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis.
It's all they're talking about up there.
Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Well, calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
What? We're not gonna get fired.
We're not? 'Cause we've already been fired.
We've lost our jobs?! About three days ago, a couple of pink slips came in the mail.
One for you and one for me.
So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia, okay? Charlie, if we've lost our jobs, that means we've lost our health insurance, which means all of this was for nothing.
Goddamn it, dude.
I'm having a panic attack.
I am actually having a panic attack.
Oh, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee? I am, bro.
- All right, well, fine.
- You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette.
He's freaking out.
Who? Barney.
He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Barney?! Who the hell is Barney?! You don't see Bar? Oh, shit, where the hell did he? You've lost your mind.
You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie.
Jesus Christ, dude, will you forget the mail, all right? Forget the mail? The mail's the most important thing in the world now.
Dude, you're gonna give me another panic attack.
- You have a cigarette? - I hear Barney.
Where's Barney, huh? How long is the wait at this place?! We have been here for hours and hours.
Goddamn Frank.
Where the hell is he? Shit! Where am I? Tonto Come here.
Come on, bub, let's go.
Get up.
You got to help me out here.
Pick this up and throw it through this window.
Pick throw.
That's it.
That's it.
One Two and three.
Beautiful.
Come on.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Come on.
You go first.