It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s05e08 Episode Script

Hello.
Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast.
Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy? [Roaring.]
[Glass Shattering.]
Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? [Growling.]
Think there's no answer? You're so stupid! There is.
Kitten Mittens.
Finally, there's an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats.
[Crickets Chirping.]
- [Cat Yowls.]
- I couldn't hear anything.
Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between? That doesn't matter, 'cause one size fits all.
Kitten Mittens.
You'll be smitten.
So come on down to Paddy's Pub.
We're the home of the original Kitten Mittens.
Mee-ow! [Button Clicks.]
So, lately at night, I've been forced to fall asleep to the deafening sound of, like, a hundred alley cats tapping on my windows, trying to get in.
You know what I mean? Thus, Kitten Mittens.
Right? I'm making a quieter cat.
And then I made the sales tape when I heard about the merchandising convention.
- Ooh, question.
- Mac, go.
Thank you.
Uh, what merchandising convention? They're having one down at the Sheraton.
All right? So I figured, what a better place to, like, find investors for my product.
What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar? Okay.
One, they're not moronic.
They're awesome.
[Dennis.]
Mmm.
And two, uh, nothing.
Look, Charlie, I kinda like this.
I might jump in on this with you here.
I think it's a good idea.
We could do T-shirts.
We could do beach towels, those nudie pens.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
It's about time, you know, we get some merchandise in here, and I start making some money off this place.
What? What are you talking about? You're not gonna make any money of this place.
You don't own a piece of the bar.
No, but I own a hundred percent of the merchandising.
It's in my contract.
What contract? The contract you had me sign when I first started working here.
What? [Scoffs.]
[Laughs.]
Dee, we got you to sign that contract so we could pay you less than minimum wage.
Okay? We're never gonna merchandise anything in the bar.
But now we are.
To be honest, I don't even remember signing any kind of contract.
Oh, you don't remember? Did it slip your mind? That's okay, 'cause it's right here.
I keep it in this drawer so that you two jerks don't try Hey, hey! Wait! What are you doing? - Oh! - You son of a bitch! That doesn't nullify it, you know? Oh, why? Do you have another copy? I don't.
I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract! - He just did eat it.
- All right.
I'm talking to a lawyer about this.
You don't have a leg to stand on.
Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah! This is making me think maybe I should slap a patent on my Kitten Mittens before you guys try and steal that too, huh? I can see it in your eyes.
You're all over this, aren't you? [Swallows.]
You know, I gotta say, Mac, my instinct to steal this idea is very strong.
Kitten Mittens? No, idiot.
Merchandising in the bar.
Yeah.
I'm thinking we take this merchandising convention as an opportunity to make merchandise for Paddy's.
Right.
You know? Like, expand our brand.
You know? Make a little "mon-ay"! Who's gonna buy merchandise to a bar that they've never been to? Uh, hello, Frank.
[Chuckles.]
I've never been to Fiji.
All right.
Well, how about, like, hard-boiled eggs from Paddy's Bar? Green eggs.
Says "Paddy's" on them.
You keep them on your desk when you go to work.
Who's gonna want to keep a hard-boiled egg on their desk at work? Oh, all right.
Then you put it on your dashboard of your car.
It's just a jumping-off point.
Frank, keeping hard-boiled eggs on your desktop or the dashboard of your car is not a jumping-off point.
Get the hell out of here, all right? Let us concentrate on doing the merchandising idea.
Clearly you don't get it.
So I don't want- I don't get it? You don't get it! I don't get it? You don't get it! Oh, yeah? We'll see who doesn't get it! Okay! Yeah! All right! All right, Charlie.
Remember, this lawyer is not a big fan of ours.
So we're probably gonna have to turn the charm up a little bit in the beginning.
Know what I mean? I got a plan on how we can do that too.
See this picture of his wife right here? Mm-hmm.
What if we compliment her good looks? That gets us off on a good foot, right? Are you kidding me? That woman looks like a stone-cold bitch, and you know it.
And he knows it 'cause he turns the picture away from him.
Well, I'm trying to make lemonade here.
Oh! Ooh, there he is.
How did you get in here? Hey! Aw, we just There's the man! The old-fashioned way- with doors and feet and walking.
You know, we were just having a conversation about how lovely your wife is.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Very lovely.
I was not participating in that conversation, 'cause I don't find her lovely.
I think you're better than that.
I think you can do better than that.
And I mean that as a compliment.
You are aware that there are other lawyers in Philadelphia? But the three of us have a history.
Sure.
We, uh- We have a past, if you will.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And Charlie and I really like the fact that you don't charge.
I do charge.
Okay? You don't pay.
We're both men of the law.
You know? We get after it.
You know? We jabber-jaw.
We go tit for tat.
We have our little differences.
But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
No.
Any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.
Then I'll just regress, 'cause I feel like I've made myself perfectly redundant.
- Yes, you have.
- I'm lost.
So I'm just gonna get down to brass tacks.
I got a question for you.
Does a legal document hold up in a court of law if it has been ingested by the other party? - I'm not- - Now, mind you, the heretofore document had- had dry ink on it for at least many "forknights," uh, hereto- We signed it a long time ago.
It was a long time ago signed.
I'm also gonna need a patent for the Kitten Mittens.
I'm sure you do.
I was gonna ask you, "Hey, need Kitten Mitten patents?" That's them.
I'm sorry, sir.
But they locked me in a closet.
Yo, dude, dude, dude.
I'm ready to show you my idea.
Me too.
All right, let me go first, bro.
Let me show you mine, then you can go first.
Then I'd be going second.
Yeah, great.
Okay, now listen.
When we're selling stuff at Paddy's, I think we need to be selling a certain attitude, right? One that reflects our take-no-prisoners, rock-and-roll lifestyle.
Okay.
Yeah? Yeah.
Now what says that more than this? Huh? Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong! You're wearing women's underwear? Yeah, bro! You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear.
What's more sexual than a high-waisted thong riding high up a woman's backside? Nothing.
Dude, come on.
Paddy's thong is gonna be a huge hit with chicks.
Okay.
All right.
Uh, question.
Yeah, Mac.
Go.
Dennis, are women gonna wanna buy their underpants in a bar? No.
Women will not buy their underwear in a bar, but men will buy the underwear for their women in a bar because it's not for women, it's for men.
It's a visual stimulant, bro.
I'm not wearing these because I'm comfortable.
I'm wearing them because I want to turn you on.
You know what I'm saying? You get it? Yeah.
Yeah, bro.
It's visual stimulation.
Okay.
Yeah.
Can I go now? Yeah, sure.
I've been waiting for a long time.
Okay.
Okay, I'm thinking to myself, what do people love more than anything else in the world? They love comedy! They do love comedy.
Everybody loves comedy, right? So- And I'm funny.
I can do funny.
But you gotta have functionality with your comedy, okay? Right.
You can't just go throwing jokes around willy-nilly.
Oh.
So I did one of those.
You drew a men's buttocks on a towel.
Yeah.
You get out of the shower in the college dorm.
They got the butt, right? People are laughing.
Okay.
Your buddies are laughing.
[Laughing.]
And then you give them one of these.
Boom! [Laughs.]
Oh, that is big! That's a big monster dick.
That's huge.
That's the biggest dick you ever seen.
Yeah, that's really- That's not how you see yourself though? Now that's funny.
That's funny.
That is funny.
Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that.
But, bro, that's just the setup.
What is it? For this.
Ding-ding-ding! Oh, it's a baby dick.
Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.
We are gonna sell a million of those, dude.
We'll do black ones and yellow ones for the Asians.
That is probably more Asian than anything else.
Dude- Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Maybe a little bit more bush.
We should set up a Web site for it.
Already did it.
You did? Dicktowel.
com.
Dicktowel.
com.
[Laughs.]
Well, you don't think I know what's going on? Huh? Oh, Jesus Christ! I don't get it? Huh? Open your mouth, bitch.
What? Prepare to be blasted, bitch! Brenda! [Muffled Screaming.]
[Groans, Spits, Coughs.]
[Frank Laughs.]
This is my new merchandising idea.
It's a gun that shoots liquor into your mouth! You threw tequila in my eye! Well, I haven't figured out how to get the tequila to come out of the barrel of the gun.
But I'm working on it.
What the hell does she have to do with anything? Check her out.
I mean, she's gorgeous.
You bring a woman with cans like that into the convention, you sell the idea in a second.
So this is your plan? You're gonna go into the convention waving a gun in people's faces, throwing tequila in everybody's eyes with a big-titted woman? Duh, yeah! Frank, get the hell out of here! Your ideas are ridiculous! Okay.
Okay.
Suck on this, bitches.
Huh? Huh? Paddy's Pub stress ball.
You give this to people.
They put it on their desk.
And then during the day, you squeeze it when you have any tension.
Right.
Oh, goddamn it, Frank! That's just an egg! It's a jumping-off point.
Get out! All right.
Get the hell out of here! Just get the hell out of here! Don't even listen to them.
You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ.
Okay, we're stealing that gun shot idea, right? Gun shot idea's awesome.
You see any sign of that lawyer or his secretary? No, and I don't know why you think we're gonna catch him having an affair.
I mean, the guy's wife is really hot.
No, she's not.
And also, why does he turn her picture away from him so he doesn't have to look at her face? Why are we in this shady motel where we saw him go in? I'm telling you, he's- he's banging that secretary.
I don't know.
It just doesn't add up.
She's an attractive lady, you know? She's not attractive.
Oh, my God! What? The woman in the room right next to him she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy! Charlie, could you focus on the lawyer's room, please? We're not here to blackmail a lady for eating too many cookies.
Did you say an entire sleeve though? An entire sleeve.
That's a lot of cookies.
She a big lady? [Charlie.]
Of course.
She's a humongous lady.
Yeah.
Of course.
Oh, shit.
I see him.
He's walking towards the car.
He's walking towards the car! Get down! Shh! Why is he coming towards us? Get down and hold still! [Door Opens.]
[Sighs.]
[Door Closes.]
All right.
Um, so what are you people doing in my car now? Okay, let me explain that.
Uh- Yeah.
We were staking you out last night- kinda spying on you.
Mm-hmm.
It got a little cold.
It dropped down, right? It was freezing, wasn't it? Did you feel that? So we jimmied your lock and spent the night in here.
Okay.
Uh, so why were you spying on me all night? Because you're having an affair, and we're gonna blackmail you for your services.
Okay.
I hate to disappoint you, but I am not having an affair.
Oh, yeah? Then why do you turn your wife's picture away from your desk so you don't have to look at her face? Why are you staying in this seedy motel? And why does it look like you've been crying all night? I'll tell you what I think.
I think you feel guilty.
All right, listen.
If you must know, my wife is leaving me.
And I have to sleep in this fleabag motel.
And I am still very much in love with my wife, which makes this divorce very difficult.
Thus you have the turning away of the photo and you have, you know, the crying episodes, and the what-have-you.
Mmm.
Sad.
Okay, that's our bad.
We, uh It all comes together- That makes a lot of sense though.
In a different way than I thought.
God, divorce is tough.
The picture sort of coming together for you all? You must be all ripped up about that.
So, um- Do you want to have a conversation about helping us out with our Kitten Mitten patent and I thought this contract- You know what? If, um Why don't you get out of my car? We should go now.
Why don't you just get out of my car? You've had a hard couple of days.
Okay, consumer, are you ready to get blasted in the mouth by Paddy's Shotgun? Yeah.
One, two, three! [Gargles.]
Ah! Goddamn it, dude! You just cannot blast water out of a gun.
The technology is just not there.
They did sort of figure it out with water guns, so I don't know why Yeah, but a water gun doesn't have the same feel to it, you know? It doesn't.
You want to feel the weight of a real gun in your mouth.
You want to taste the metal.
You want to feel the steel, man, you know? Okay, bro, new plan.
Yeah.
Let's just make a video, show that at the convention.
Not like Charlie's video though.
Ours needs to be cool.
No, no, no, dude.
Way cooler than Charlie's.
With, like, quick cuts and awesome music and eagles flying through the air and picking up trout out of rivers and shit.
Ripping it apart and eating it, you know? It's so cool.
That'll excite people.
Yeah.
They'll want to invest.
Then we'll let the brainiacs in China figure out the technology.
Yeah.
But the point is- is it's got to really grab people's attention.
You know what I mean? All right.
I did a little tweaking and - What is that? - Paddy's Shotgun, bro! You get blasted in the mouth! [Laughs.]
- You stole my idea! - No, no, no, Frank.
We tweaked your idea.
We took what was a good idea and we made it a great idea.
We're also gonna get a bustier chick.
No offense, ma'am.
You're very busty.
Your breasts are very large.
But, uh, we want to go weird with it.
We want to get really freakish.
I would like to get your number, actually, though at some point.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look.
You can't just take somebody's idea, change the name of it and then sell it.
That's the American way, bro.
Yeah! Yeah.
Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe.
Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood.
Coke got tweaked by Pepsi.
Transformers got tweaked by GoBots.
Our job is to step aside and let the consumer decide.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna get a patent for this and sue your balls off.
We're gonna get a patent too, Frank, so screw you.
Kiss it.
- Knock, knock.
- Hey, friend! Hey, we got you a little something to take your mind off your current wife situation.
Sandy, have a seat right here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- This is Sandy.
- Yep, and everything's been taken care of financially.
She's been briefed on the divorce.
She knows all about everything that's going on.
She knows all about it.
And, you know, because you've been talking about the whole money thing a little bit You said that we hadn't paid you, and we felt bad about that, so we're kinda hoping that this is sort of a compensation of sorts.
Sandy does that.
Sandy.
- She's the payment.
- Lawyer, check out this freakish whore we found.
Hey.
Whoa.
What the hell are you guys doing here? I came to see the lawyer to sue you for breach of contract.
What's with the busty chick? We're gonna throw a patent on her and a couple of other things.
Now, I see that you have a- a lovely busty woman as well.
Yeah! We brought one.
Well, she's a lady of the night.
She's a prostitute.
Don't get too excited.
And she's his lady, because he's going through a messy divorce.
We paid her.
So we're gonna have them have some sexual relations as sort of a payment.
Ah.
Wow.
Divorce, huh? That's never fun.
Oh, yeah.
No, it's terrible.
He's all broken up about it.
She left him- probably 'cause he cheated on her, I'm guessing, 'cause look what a cold bitch she is.
She was mean to him.
[Dee.]
It's a mess.
[Charlie.]
He's been crying.
I tell you what, buddy.
I can help you out.
I'm gonna toss a frame bang your way.
Now here's how that works.
I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping, and I ease into her real nice.
That way, you're both cheating on each other, and she can't clean you out.
[Dee.]
That's a win-win.
Goddamn shoes.
You can't run in 'em.
- [Mac.]
Ah, son of a bitch.
- Come on in.
What- What's with the broads? You're stealing that idea too? No! No, we're not stealing Yes, you are.
We're tweaking your idea.
You're stealing that idea.
Guys- You're stealing my idea! Can you take your ladies outside? Stop! Stop! Everyone stop! I will take care of all of your legal needs if each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again.
What? Great.
For free? No problem.
And, you, promise not to break into my home and rape my wife while she's sleeping.
Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife.
I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps.
And I was gonna do it for you, you son of a b- All right, fine.
I won't do it.
Great.
Now we're all here.
Let's get into this.
- Deandra.
- Yeah.
You want to sue these guys over some sort of breach of contract thing? Yes.
This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights to the Paddy's Pub merchandise.
- That never happened.
- It happened! Okay, why don't you throw out the suit if they agree to sign a contract that grants you rights for Paddy's Pub? Fifty percent? I'll take it.
Deal.
[Dee.]
Yes! What the hell you doing, dude? I'll just eat the contract later.
We would also like to make a patent on Paddy's Shotgun and this very large-breasted woman who's gonna be shooting the gun into your face.
- Objection! - This is not a court of law.
Sustained! Frank, move to strike.
They stole my idea! Open your mouth! - [All Shouting At Once.]
- Christ's sakes, dude! - [All.]
Oh! - Jesus Christ! [Charlie.]
Whoa, man! Whoa! Oh, my God! How did you get that much propulsion on the gun? I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.
New deal! We are taking that propulsion and putting it in our shotgun! No, no, no.
That deal sucks.
Okay.
Why don't you just use both guns? That's an even better idea.
Two guns! Okay.
Six boobs! We're all on the same team! Okay.
I like that idea.
Yeah! Yeah! All right.
And, you, you want a right to the cat gloves? Mittens, dude.
Pay attention.
So sorry, sir.
They duct-taped me to the bathroom sink.
How in the hell did she get out of that? I don't know.
Next up, we have submission 35 a potential investment opportunity in merchandising for a, uh- a Paddy's Pub.
[Frank.]
Yeah! You're really sweaty, man.
Well, my eyes are really burning here, Charlie.
- Start again.
Start- - [Exhales.]
Yeah, that's good.
Action, Frank.
Go, Frank, now.
Go.
Frank, just do the- Say the line now.
Let me have a drink.
How about a shot? What the This is how we do it [Man Vocalizing.]
[Mac, Deep Voice.]
Paddy's Pub, home of the original shotgun and gun shot! [Continues.]
Are you shooting me? Shoot the girls.
Shoot the girls.
Do shots as they were intended by blasting them directly into your mouth! [Chuckles, Coughs.]
Awesome! I'm wasted! But that's not all! Dick towel! [Dennis's Voice.]
Dot-com.
Nudie pen! All the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by - Egg.
- [Mac's Voice.]
So come on, dude! Invest in our merchandise and Get blasted! [Ends.]
[Screaming.]
Okay.
Uh, why don't we just take a break? Huh.
That did not look cool.
No.
Well, we had to edit while we shot.
You know, and we just didn't have time.
God, that was terrible.
Does your cat walk around too much? Does your cat make too much noise? Guess who just found some investors for Kitten Mittens! I told you! People love stupid shit! Why do you keep calling it stupid though? It's really pretty stupid.
Why do you keep calling it stupid? But people are stupid too, so - Hello! - [Dee Shrieks.]
Hey, there he is! What's up, man? Hey, nice tie.
- What are you doing here? - Congratulations on the sale.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you were there? Yeah.
How much money am I gonna make? Do what now? Oh.
The contract that you all blindly signed grants me 100% of the profits from any merchandising opportunities from your little bar.
And Kitten Mittens- I own that.
Dude! I had to get paid by you people somehow.
Well, that's what the hooker was for! Dude! All right.
Touché.
You out-lawyered me there.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Tell you what though.
Let's split Kitten Mittens 50-50, and then you'll never see me again.
Wow.
Fifty-fifty? Mmm, let me think about that.
How about if I never see you again because the contract that you all signed also included a restraining order? [Laughs.]
Which you're all currently violating.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Can I see these supposed documents that you have? Why, yes.
Um, in fact, I happen to have that right here.
[Charlie.]
Ah! Yeah! [Dee.]
I knew it! It's still new enough to be edible.
That's an edible contract! Right in your face! Really? Yeah.
You know, fortunately, I made hundreds of copies of that.
[Laughs.]
Goddamn.
So, uh, why don't you all have just a nice day.
Mmm.
[Laughing.]
[Scoffs.]
[Laughing Fades.]
[Door Closes.]
[Paper Rustling.]
You can probably stop eating that now.
[Voices Speaking Backwards.]