It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s05e10 Episode Script
The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
[Mac.]
So, how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you? [Charlie.]
A lot, dude.
She's been irritated with me.
"You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Café.
Guys.
You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop.
" This is incredible.
Listen to this message.
Come here.
This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.
[On Phone.]
Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.
I was just calling to let you know that I hope you die! You are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself! I never, ever want to see you again, you steaming pile of horseshit! Go to hell! [Laughs.]
Whoa, that's amazing.
That's the best one yet.
Yeah, it's a really good one.
What? She hates your guts.
Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.
They don't get it because you haven't explained it to them, bro.
Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life.
What the hell are you talking about, dude? I'm talking about the D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
System.
Ladies and gentlemen, the D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
System is a comprehensive approach to seduction that I have perfected over the years.
See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm.
There is a careful, systemic approach that has allowed me to become the playboy that I am today.
- A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.
He has banged a lot of chicks.
Just shut up, Dee.
Shut up.
Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to "D"- demonstrate your value.
In this most recent case my subject was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.
[Dennis.]
I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription.
I told her, "It's for my grandmother.
She's quite ill.
" Thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and an all-around great guy.
- You're forging prescriptions now? - That's the easy part, Dee.
I would've gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.
Right.
That comes of a little bit desperate, Frank.
Now, if you want to have a magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay, that's a different story.
- [Frank.]
Oh, yeah.
- Now let's move on.
Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ask her out.
Once you've asked her out, you move on to "E.
" "Engage physically.
" I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date, which to me is really just a waste of time and money.
[Dennis.]
I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations.
That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive.
And then when we get to the restaurant, the restaurant is closed, as, of course, it always is on Sundays.
So I'll feign surprise and say something along the lines of, "I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place.
" That's where I come in.
Oh, you're a part of this? Oh, yeah.
Mac has a very special place in my system.
Yeah.
You see, I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone.
- Then I say- - I can't go in my room.
I found a black widow spider in there.
Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so that they can get to know each other better.
- [Dennis.]
And then I say- - Oh.
Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed and watch the DVD in my room.
And once we're on my bed, it is game over.
I engage her physically and the sexual waltz begins.
Pizza's good.
You're the one that's good.
Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff.
Very classy.
I'm learning a lot from you right now, dude.
Okay.
Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she will naturally start to depend on you.
Okay? All women do this.
They certainly do.
You got that right.
[Laughing.]
Sex with women! Once you bang 'em, you know- Like that.
Right.
Right.
Which brings me to the first "N.
" "Nurturing Dependence.
" You're gonna want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys.
Have her car towed.
Or you can slash her tires.
Either way, make her depend on you for rides.
Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional, angry neighbor who is threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him.
[Dennis.]
Hit up a pay phone so that she can't trace the calls back to you.
Give her a call and say something along the lines of [Sinister Voice.]
I'm watching you, you bitch.
You're gonna die tonight! [Sobbing.]
Oh, for Christ's sake! You're a complete sociopath! Don't interrupt.
Okay? Now, if you've completed all the other steps properly up to this point, she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level.
But you're not gonna do that.
You're gonna do the exact opposite.
Pull back, guys.
Pull back.
Which brings me to the second "N," "Neglect Emotionally.
" You stop taking her phone calls.
Cancel all your plans.
Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor that you've simulated comes back, and this time you're not around to cool him off.
[Rings.]
Hello? [Sinister Voice.]
Welcome to hell! [Sinister Laughing.]
[Sinister Laughing.]
This will frighten the shit out of her.
Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed up because you're not there to protect her.
She'll start questioning her self-worth, start questioning her- her self-esteem.
And that's the perfect time to "I" "Inspire Hope.
" In Caylee's case, I went to her window and I screamed Caylee, listen.
Listen.
Wait.
I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because I was afraid that you were gonna break my heart and I got scared.
But I'm not scared anymore, baby.
I love you.
I need you.
And then, naturally, we bang.
[Slow Pop.]
Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's gaze .
And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her.
You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love.
And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.
"Separate Entirely.
" Yes, Mac.
That's right.
I "S" "Separate Entirely.
" D-E-N-N-I-S.
The D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
System.
That, my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart.
Yeah! All right! Good stuff.
Better than I remember it.
Oh, good! Are you kidding me? You are not winning their hearts.
You're torturing them and they end up hating you.
Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible.
And you set it up so you can get these chicks back at any time? That's exactly right, Charlie.
You're really picking up on this.
I'm proud of you, bud.
There is no way that girl is gonna come back to you after what you just put her through.
I could absolutely get that girl back anytime I want.
I just choose not to.
I 100% guarantee you this girl's finished with you.
Well, I take that as a challenge, Dee, and I accept that challenge.
- I'll have her back by the end of the day.
- Yeah.
Dee, you don't get it.
This is what men do! This is what men do! Yeah! This is man stuff, Dee! Man stuff! Whee! Man stuff! [Laughing, Hooting.]
[Growling.]
- This is what men- - Yee-hoo! Aah-aah-aah! You're probably getting D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours, and you don't even know it.
What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend! Yes, I do! Ben.
You know, the online soldier that I met.
We're back together now.
What? That dude wouldn't date you after what you put him through! Maybe he'd D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
you, but he wouldn't date you.
He's not D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
-ing me! He's in the car right now.
I told him to wait for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? So, wait.
Your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun? Yeah.
I told him to wait for me.
He kinda does whatever I say.
It's pretty great.
Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? That's cruel.
The engine's not even on.
I didn't.
I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down.
He's not the smartest, but Dee, it's, like, I'm assuming that he has engaged you physically? Well, I mean, of course we've engaged physically.
Look at that body.
It is stupid.
Of course we've engaged over and over physically.
But that doesn't mean that he's pulling some sort of a system.
Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee! I didn't see you there.
Are you almost done? Yeah.
Yeah.
I got caught up in a story.
But I'll be done pretty soon.
O-O-Okay.
Well, do you want me to come in? No.
No, I don't.
No.
You just- You just stay where you are.
You know what? I'll text you when I'm wrapping up.
Then you can crank the A.
C.
, cool the car off for me.
Okay.
Sure thing.
See you, fellas.
Okay.
Good.
See you, man.
Dee, you're getting played.
You're getting played big time.
He's not doing anything.
Big time! He's just- I told him to sit [Sighs.]
And there you go.
Good to see you.
See you soon.
Bye.
- Hey, Caylee.
- What do you want? Listen, before you say anything, I just want to say that I'm really sorry for everything that went down between us.
It's all my fault.
Nana took a turn for the worse, [Voice Cracking.]
and it's got me in a really bad place.
I just I don't know what I would do if she died.
I don't think your grandmother exists, Dennis.
I beg your pardon? Uh, yeah.
I looked into it.
There's no, um, Dr.
Toboggan in Philadelphia either.
Oh.
No- Yeah, he doesn't- He's not based in Philly.
Oh, no? Yeah.
No, it says Philadelphia right there.
Oh.
Yeah- No, that I'm gonna call him because if he's still giving people prescriptions on that pad, those people could get in a lot of trouble.
Oh! Whoa! What the hell are you doing here? I'm swooping in on your chick.
What? No.
Dude, I'm trying to re-D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.
What is this "swooping in" business? Oh, that's my system.
The M.
A.
C.
"Move-in After Completion.
" I wait till you're done with them.
Then I swoop in, give them shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.
You been humping these girls after I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.
I come in as the sensitive, intellectual type.
Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine? I thought you were just my wing man though.
No.
No.
I'm swimming in your wake.
- What are you two dickheads doing here? - What are you doing here? - I'm here for the scraps.
- I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just What's taking you so long? Wait, wait, wait! You have a system where you come in after Mac? That's right.
I come in after Mac.
But he's taking forever this time.
I got my magnum condoms.
I got my wad of hundreds.
I'm ready to plow.
You should see him feast.
He's like a mantis.
It's amazing.
Oh, that's good.
Call me that from now on.
Mantis.
No! Nobody's calling you Man- Look, you guys gotta back off, okay? I'm trying to re-D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
This chick.
No, you back off! Wait a second, Frank.
He's right.
It's a delicate ecosystem.
We gotta stick with it.
Just let him do his thing.
Then we'll come in for seconds and scraps.
Back off.
Get out.
Just play it cool.
Before she sees you.
Hurry up, though, because Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds.
Idiot.
This is so exciting.
You're gonna love this.
Okay, just stop right there.
Okay.
And off with the- Okay, here we are! I set up a picnic for us! [Laughs.]
What the hell are you doing? What- I- I set up a picnic.
Do you not like picnics? Okay.
All right.
I know what's going on.
I- I'm on to you, guy.
You bring me out here to some landfill in the middle of nowhere, you blindfold me so I have no idea where I am I'm gonna depend on you to get home! Dee, do you want to go? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I wanna go, but not with you! I'll go all by myself.
I'll take the bus.
Okay.
And I'll also take this.
Thank you.
Here.
Do you want a glass? No! Stop it! Do you need bus fare? I don't need bus fare! I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.
- I'll walk then, okay? - Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.
- Here, take my boots.
- Stop it! Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay? I'm fine all by myself, buddy! I'm doing just fine by myself.
[Screaming.]
[Groaning.]
Oh, my God! Are you okay? [Gasping.]
I'm fine! Well, just stay there.
I'm gonna come down to help.
Leave me alone! I won't give you the satisfaction! I'm fine! - I'm independent, and I don't need you! - Wait! I don't need anybody! [Grunting Continues.]
Where are you going? Shut up! [Rattling.]
Oh, what the hell! - Oh, what the hell, Charlie! - Oh, hey! Look who's home! Uh- Hang on a second.
What you doing there? I'm calling the police.
Oh, no! You don't have to call the police.
Check it out.
I'm here just to fix your garbage disposal.
Is that a bag of hair in your hand, Charlie? Have you been breaking into my apartment and shoving hair in my sink? Okay.
Okay! Let's start over.
We're getting way of topic here.
I would like you to focus on the amount of value that I am demonstrating to you by fixing your garbage disposal.
Just get the hell out of my apartment.
Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage disposal's a mess.
Pretty sure.
It's way worse than when I got here.
I think you should get out.
All right.
I like this blouse you're wearing.
That's nice.
Is that new? What is that? It's modern, right? This is my uniform that I have to wear for my other job, and it's ugly.
Well, no, it's not ugly.
It's just, you know- It's unique.
So what's this new job? I work at the fair.
You're working at the fair! Well, look at us, you know? I'm a plumber.
You're a fair worker.
They go well together, right? Get out of my apartment.
Oh, all right.
I don't know.
I did everything right, and I can't get past the letter "D," dude.
- Well, what did you do exactly? - I broke into her place.
I ripped her sink apart.
I brought a bag of hair.
You know what I mean? And I come across looking like a total jerk.
Yeah, of course.
Because nothing that you just described sounds correct.
These are totally the type of things you were talking about- slashing a girl's tires, doing scary voices.
- Do you know anything about plumbing? - Uh no.
Maybe it's just over my head, this system.
Maybe I should just stick to stalking.
Maybe that's my system.
She got a job at the fair.
It could be fun to stalk around a fair.
Jesus Christ on the cross, you look like shit.
Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the woods trying to demonstrate my independence! Okay, clearly none of you have any idea how to run my system! Goddamn- All right.
I'm gonna get everybody what they want, including myself.
Let me just think for a second.
Let me just work something out here and then we'll [Orchestra: Carmen.]
[Dee.]
What's he doing? Just shut up and let him work.
[Stops.]
We're going to the fair.
Mmm! [Charlie Laughs.]
That will provide the perfect setting for all of our needs to be met.
You will demonstrate your value to the waitress by winning a prize at her booth.
Good, dude! Then I give her the prize and that's good! No, that's dead wrong actually.
You're gonna take the prize and award it to the bustiest woman you can find.
Okay? Your indifference to the waitress will only make you more attractive to her.
Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous missteps, you actually have no value.
Mm-hmm.
So your only hope is to lower Ben's value.
You're gonna do this by flirting with a carney in front of him.
Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if I want to deal with a carney.
No one likes dealing with carneys, and that's why Frank will pose as one.
Now, Mac, you're the final piece in this puzzle.
I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.
There I shall be waiting to win back her heart.
- How you gonna do that? - I gotta get myself a grandmother.
What's happening? What's happening is, we're at the fair, Gladys, and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay? My grandmother had an affair with Susan B.
Anthony.
I-I don't give a shit.
I'm paying you not to talk.
Well, hello! This is a coincidence, huh? No, it's not.
No, it's not.
But it's exciting, isn't it? So, what game do we have here? What game is this? Speed Pitch.
That's all you do? You throw a pitch? I mean, what prizes are there? There are no prizes, Charlie.
It's just to see "how fast can you throw.
" Oh! Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh? [Chuckles.]
You know this game is for children, right? I don't care that it's for kids.
All right? Let me demonstrate my value to you.
Please! When I was little, all the kids would beat me up and call me Bookworm.
- Right this way, Nana.
- Kids are so brutal.
Oh.
Hi, Mac, Caylee.
I didn't see you there.
- What are you doing here? - This is my nana.
She's on the mend, so I wanted to get her out of the house.
- This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
This is Nana.
Yeah.
Isn't she precious? My grandmother was a lesbian.
Well? How does it look? It's great.
You look like a lizard.
I like turtles.
Okay.
Ooh, look! A carney! [Humming.]
Ooh! Eh.
Frank! Hey, Frank! What are you doing? Lose the tie.
You're way overdressed.
I got a new angle.
What? [Caylee.]
No, Dennis, this does not change Leave us alone.
What? What? Just listen to me for one second, okay? Dennis, I've been looking all over for you.
Where you been? Hello.
Dr.
Toboggan.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Frank, what are you doing? Actually, it's Mantis.
Mantis Toboggan, M.
D.
I got your test results.
You're positive.
You got the H.
I.
V.
Yes, AIDS.
Big time! What the hell you talking about? Dennis, what- You got the AIDS big time! What are you doing, dude? Did you see her face? Look at her.
I'm breaking her down.
I'm making her feel worthless.
You see? She thinks she's got the H.
I.
V.
Then I slip in.
- ## [Whistles.]
Get it? - There is an order here, dude! Get back in line! No! No more thirds for Frankie! Seconds from now on! [Grunts Loudly.]
All right! That was rough! [Bell Clangs.]
Fifteen.
[Computer Voice.]
Fifteen.
It's 'cause I'm getting tired.
My arm's blown out.
Hey, Speed Pitch.
You want to play? [Growls.]
Okay.
Oh! Hey, wait, wait.
Hey, guy.
Do you work here? Yeah.
Yeah! Oh, shit.
Ben, look.
A carney.
Hey.
So, I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.
[Bell Clanging.]
[Computer Voice.]
Sixty-four! Ow! Ow! Ow, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key! Will someone- someone call a doctor! Ow! You idiot! Why would you stab me? I was flirting with you! That guy paid me to.
You weren't supposed to stab her, man! You were supposed to stab her! What? You want to have me stabbed? I was gonna protect you from the stabbing.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and then as she's dying you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you! Ohh! See, this is why nobody should be going off my system! What do you mean, "Off your system?" My system of seduction that I used to win your heart, that these idiots are ruining right now! Ben's the only one who's using it properly.
- Ben, explain the system.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
You had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here? - I'm a lizard.
- Oh, whoops! Oh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.
I'm out of here.
I'll give you a ride! Thank you.
What? What are you doing? I'm leaving.
Dee, I don't like you.
Well, how is that possible? You're a mean person.
[Stammers.]
You know what? You go! You get outta here! Way to go, jerks! Good job! Yeah? Way to go to you.
You work at a fair, carney! Don't call her a carney, man.
I don't need you to take up for me! Get out of here! Shut up! Just go! Get outta here! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Idiots ruining my system.
Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it! Oh, system, my ass.
I hate carnivals.
I need a ride.
Is there anybody out there that could take me home? [Voices Speaking Backwards.]
So, how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you? [Charlie.]
A lot, dude.
She's been irritated with me.
"You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Café.
Guys.
You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop.
" This is incredible.
Listen to this message.
Come here.
This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.
[On Phone.]
Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.
I was just calling to let you know that I hope you die! You are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself! I never, ever want to see you again, you steaming pile of horseshit! Go to hell! [Laughs.]
Whoa, that's amazing.
That's the best one yet.
Yeah, it's a really good one.
What? She hates your guts.
Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.
They don't get it because you haven't explained it to them, bro.
Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life.
What the hell are you talking about, dude? I'm talking about the D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
System.
Ladies and gentlemen, the D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
System is a comprehensive approach to seduction that I have perfected over the years.
See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm.
There is a careful, systemic approach that has allowed me to become the playboy that I am today.
- A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.
He has banged a lot of chicks.
Just shut up, Dee.
Shut up.
Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to "D"- demonstrate your value.
In this most recent case my subject was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.
[Dennis.]
I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription.
I told her, "It's for my grandmother.
She's quite ill.
" Thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and an all-around great guy.
- You're forging prescriptions now? - That's the easy part, Dee.
I would've gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.
Right.
That comes of a little bit desperate, Frank.
Now, if you want to have a magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay, that's a different story.
- [Frank.]
Oh, yeah.
- Now let's move on.
Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ask her out.
Once you've asked her out, you move on to "E.
" "Engage physically.
" I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date, which to me is really just a waste of time and money.
[Dennis.]
I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations.
That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive.
And then when we get to the restaurant, the restaurant is closed, as, of course, it always is on Sundays.
So I'll feign surprise and say something along the lines of, "I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place.
" That's where I come in.
Oh, you're a part of this? Oh, yeah.
Mac has a very special place in my system.
Yeah.
You see, I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone.
- Then I say- - I can't go in my room.
I found a black widow spider in there.
Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so that they can get to know each other better.
- [Dennis.]
And then I say- - Oh.
Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed and watch the DVD in my room.
And once we're on my bed, it is game over.
I engage her physically and the sexual waltz begins.
Pizza's good.
You're the one that's good.
Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff.
Very classy.
I'm learning a lot from you right now, dude.
Okay.
Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she will naturally start to depend on you.
Okay? All women do this.
They certainly do.
You got that right.
[Laughing.]
Sex with women! Once you bang 'em, you know- Like that.
Right.
Right.
Which brings me to the first "N.
" "Nurturing Dependence.
" You're gonna want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys.
Have her car towed.
Or you can slash her tires.
Either way, make her depend on you for rides.
Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional, angry neighbor who is threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him.
[Dennis.]
Hit up a pay phone so that she can't trace the calls back to you.
Give her a call and say something along the lines of [Sinister Voice.]
I'm watching you, you bitch.
You're gonna die tonight! [Sobbing.]
Oh, for Christ's sake! You're a complete sociopath! Don't interrupt.
Okay? Now, if you've completed all the other steps properly up to this point, she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level.
But you're not gonna do that.
You're gonna do the exact opposite.
Pull back, guys.
Pull back.
Which brings me to the second "N," "Neglect Emotionally.
" You stop taking her phone calls.
Cancel all your plans.
Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor that you've simulated comes back, and this time you're not around to cool him off.
[Rings.]
Hello? [Sinister Voice.]
Welcome to hell! [Sinister Laughing.]
[Sinister Laughing.]
This will frighten the shit out of her.
Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed up because you're not there to protect her.
She'll start questioning her self-worth, start questioning her- her self-esteem.
And that's the perfect time to "I" "Inspire Hope.
" In Caylee's case, I went to her window and I screamed Caylee, listen.
Listen.
Wait.
I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because I was afraid that you were gonna break my heart and I got scared.
But I'm not scared anymore, baby.
I love you.
I need you.
And then, naturally, we bang.
[Slow Pop.]
Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's gaze .
And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her.
You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love.
And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.
"Separate Entirely.
" Yes, Mac.
That's right.
I "S" "Separate Entirely.
" D-E-N-N-I-S.
The D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
System.
That, my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart.
Yeah! All right! Good stuff.
Better than I remember it.
Oh, good! Are you kidding me? You are not winning their hearts.
You're torturing them and they end up hating you.
Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible.
And you set it up so you can get these chicks back at any time? That's exactly right, Charlie.
You're really picking up on this.
I'm proud of you, bud.
There is no way that girl is gonna come back to you after what you just put her through.
I could absolutely get that girl back anytime I want.
I just choose not to.
I 100% guarantee you this girl's finished with you.
Well, I take that as a challenge, Dee, and I accept that challenge.
- I'll have her back by the end of the day.
- Yeah.
Dee, you don't get it.
This is what men do! This is what men do! Yeah! This is man stuff, Dee! Man stuff! Whee! Man stuff! [Laughing, Hooting.]
[Growling.]
- This is what men- - Yee-hoo! Aah-aah-aah! You're probably getting D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours, and you don't even know it.
What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend! Yes, I do! Ben.
You know, the online soldier that I met.
We're back together now.
What? That dude wouldn't date you after what you put him through! Maybe he'd D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
you, but he wouldn't date you.
He's not D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
-ing me! He's in the car right now.
I told him to wait for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? So, wait.
Your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun? Yeah.
I told him to wait for me.
He kinda does whatever I say.
It's pretty great.
Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? That's cruel.
The engine's not even on.
I didn't.
I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down.
He's not the smartest, but Dee, it's, like, I'm assuming that he has engaged you physically? Well, I mean, of course we've engaged physically.
Look at that body.
It is stupid.
Of course we've engaged over and over physically.
But that doesn't mean that he's pulling some sort of a system.
Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee! I didn't see you there.
Are you almost done? Yeah.
Yeah.
I got caught up in a story.
But I'll be done pretty soon.
O-O-Okay.
Well, do you want me to come in? No.
No, I don't.
No.
You just- You just stay where you are.
You know what? I'll text you when I'm wrapping up.
Then you can crank the A.
C.
, cool the car off for me.
Okay.
Sure thing.
See you, fellas.
Okay.
Good.
See you, man.
Dee, you're getting played.
You're getting played big time.
He's not doing anything.
Big time! He's just- I told him to sit [Sighs.]
And there you go.
Good to see you.
See you soon.
Bye.
- Hey, Caylee.
- What do you want? Listen, before you say anything, I just want to say that I'm really sorry for everything that went down between us.
It's all my fault.
Nana took a turn for the worse, [Voice Cracking.]
and it's got me in a really bad place.
I just I don't know what I would do if she died.
I don't think your grandmother exists, Dennis.
I beg your pardon? Uh, yeah.
I looked into it.
There's no, um, Dr.
Toboggan in Philadelphia either.
Oh.
No- Yeah, he doesn't- He's not based in Philly.
Oh, no? Yeah.
No, it says Philadelphia right there.
Oh.
Yeah- No, that I'm gonna call him because if he's still giving people prescriptions on that pad, those people could get in a lot of trouble.
Oh! Whoa! What the hell are you doing here? I'm swooping in on your chick.
What? No.
Dude, I'm trying to re-D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.
What is this "swooping in" business? Oh, that's my system.
The M.
A.
C.
"Move-in After Completion.
" I wait till you're done with them.
Then I swoop in, give them shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.
You been humping these girls after I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.
I come in as the sensitive, intellectual type.
Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine? I thought you were just my wing man though.
No.
No.
I'm swimming in your wake.
- What are you two dickheads doing here? - What are you doing here? - I'm here for the scraps.
- I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just What's taking you so long? Wait, wait, wait! You have a system where you come in after Mac? That's right.
I come in after Mac.
But he's taking forever this time.
I got my magnum condoms.
I got my wad of hundreds.
I'm ready to plow.
You should see him feast.
He's like a mantis.
It's amazing.
Oh, that's good.
Call me that from now on.
Mantis.
No! Nobody's calling you Man- Look, you guys gotta back off, okay? I'm trying to re-D.
E.
N.
N.
I.
S.
This chick.
No, you back off! Wait a second, Frank.
He's right.
It's a delicate ecosystem.
We gotta stick with it.
Just let him do his thing.
Then we'll come in for seconds and scraps.
Back off.
Get out.
Just play it cool.
Before she sees you.
Hurry up, though, because Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds.
Idiot.
This is so exciting.
You're gonna love this.
Okay, just stop right there.
Okay.
And off with the- Okay, here we are! I set up a picnic for us! [Laughs.]
What the hell are you doing? What- I- I set up a picnic.
Do you not like picnics? Okay.
All right.
I know what's going on.
I- I'm on to you, guy.
You bring me out here to some landfill in the middle of nowhere, you blindfold me so I have no idea where I am I'm gonna depend on you to get home! Dee, do you want to go? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I wanna go, but not with you! I'll go all by myself.
I'll take the bus.
Okay.
And I'll also take this.
Thank you.
Here.
Do you want a glass? No! Stop it! Do you need bus fare? I don't need bus fare! I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.
- I'll walk then, okay? - Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.
- Here, take my boots.
- Stop it! Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay? I'm fine all by myself, buddy! I'm doing just fine by myself.
[Screaming.]
[Groaning.]
Oh, my God! Are you okay? [Gasping.]
I'm fine! Well, just stay there.
I'm gonna come down to help.
Leave me alone! I won't give you the satisfaction! I'm fine! - I'm independent, and I don't need you! - Wait! I don't need anybody! [Grunting Continues.]
Where are you going? Shut up! [Rattling.]
Oh, what the hell! - Oh, what the hell, Charlie! - Oh, hey! Look who's home! Uh- Hang on a second.
What you doing there? I'm calling the police.
Oh, no! You don't have to call the police.
Check it out.
I'm here just to fix your garbage disposal.
Is that a bag of hair in your hand, Charlie? Have you been breaking into my apartment and shoving hair in my sink? Okay.
Okay! Let's start over.
We're getting way of topic here.
I would like you to focus on the amount of value that I am demonstrating to you by fixing your garbage disposal.
Just get the hell out of my apartment.
Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage disposal's a mess.
Pretty sure.
It's way worse than when I got here.
I think you should get out.
All right.
I like this blouse you're wearing.
That's nice.
Is that new? What is that? It's modern, right? This is my uniform that I have to wear for my other job, and it's ugly.
Well, no, it's not ugly.
It's just, you know- It's unique.
So what's this new job? I work at the fair.
You're working at the fair! Well, look at us, you know? I'm a plumber.
You're a fair worker.
They go well together, right? Get out of my apartment.
Oh, all right.
I don't know.
I did everything right, and I can't get past the letter "D," dude.
- Well, what did you do exactly? - I broke into her place.
I ripped her sink apart.
I brought a bag of hair.
You know what I mean? And I come across looking like a total jerk.
Yeah, of course.
Because nothing that you just described sounds correct.
These are totally the type of things you were talking about- slashing a girl's tires, doing scary voices.
- Do you know anything about plumbing? - Uh no.
Maybe it's just over my head, this system.
Maybe I should just stick to stalking.
Maybe that's my system.
She got a job at the fair.
It could be fun to stalk around a fair.
Jesus Christ on the cross, you look like shit.
Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the woods trying to demonstrate my independence! Okay, clearly none of you have any idea how to run my system! Goddamn- All right.
I'm gonna get everybody what they want, including myself.
Let me just think for a second.
Let me just work something out here and then we'll [Orchestra: Carmen.]
[Dee.]
What's he doing? Just shut up and let him work.
[Stops.]
We're going to the fair.
Mmm! [Charlie Laughs.]
That will provide the perfect setting for all of our needs to be met.
You will demonstrate your value to the waitress by winning a prize at her booth.
Good, dude! Then I give her the prize and that's good! No, that's dead wrong actually.
You're gonna take the prize and award it to the bustiest woman you can find.
Okay? Your indifference to the waitress will only make you more attractive to her.
Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous missteps, you actually have no value.
Mm-hmm.
So your only hope is to lower Ben's value.
You're gonna do this by flirting with a carney in front of him.
Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if I want to deal with a carney.
No one likes dealing with carneys, and that's why Frank will pose as one.
Now, Mac, you're the final piece in this puzzle.
I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.
There I shall be waiting to win back her heart.
- How you gonna do that? - I gotta get myself a grandmother.
What's happening? What's happening is, we're at the fair, Gladys, and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay? My grandmother had an affair with Susan B.
Anthony.
I-I don't give a shit.
I'm paying you not to talk.
Well, hello! This is a coincidence, huh? No, it's not.
No, it's not.
But it's exciting, isn't it? So, what game do we have here? What game is this? Speed Pitch.
That's all you do? You throw a pitch? I mean, what prizes are there? There are no prizes, Charlie.
It's just to see "how fast can you throw.
" Oh! Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh? [Chuckles.]
You know this game is for children, right? I don't care that it's for kids.
All right? Let me demonstrate my value to you.
Please! When I was little, all the kids would beat me up and call me Bookworm.
- Right this way, Nana.
- Kids are so brutal.
Oh.
Hi, Mac, Caylee.
I didn't see you there.
- What are you doing here? - This is my nana.
She's on the mend, so I wanted to get her out of the house.
- This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
This is Nana.
Yeah.
Isn't she precious? My grandmother was a lesbian.
Well? How does it look? It's great.
You look like a lizard.
I like turtles.
Okay.
Ooh, look! A carney! [Humming.]
Ooh! Eh.
Frank! Hey, Frank! What are you doing? Lose the tie.
You're way overdressed.
I got a new angle.
What? [Caylee.]
No, Dennis, this does not change Leave us alone.
What? What? Just listen to me for one second, okay? Dennis, I've been looking all over for you.
Where you been? Hello.
Dr.
Toboggan.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Frank, what are you doing? Actually, it's Mantis.
Mantis Toboggan, M.
D.
I got your test results.
You're positive.
You got the H.
I.
V.
Yes, AIDS.
Big time! What the hell you talking about? Dennis, what- You got the AIDS big time! What are you doing, dude? Did you see her face? Look at her.
I'm breaking her down.
I'm making her feel worthless.
You see? She thinks she's got the H.
I.
V.
Then I slip in.
- ## [Whistles.]
Get it? - There is an order here, dude! Get back in line! No! No more thirds for Frankie! Seconds from now on! [Grunts Loudly.]
All right! That was rough! [Bell Clangs.]
Fifteen.
[Computer Voice.]
Fifteen.
It's 'cause I'm getting tired.
My arm's blown out.
Hey, Speed Pitch.
You want to play? [Growls.]
Okay.
Oh! Hey, wait, wait.
Hey, guy.
Do you work here? Yeah.
Yeah! Oh, shit.
Ben, look.
A carney.
Hey.
So, I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.
[Bell Clanging.]
[Computer Voice.]
Sixty-four! Ow! Ow! Ow, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key! Will someone- someone call a doctor! Ow! You idiot! Why would you stab me? I was flirting with you! That guy paid me to.
You weren't supposed to stab her, man! You were supposed to stab her! What? You want to have me stabbed? I was gonna protect you from the stabbing.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and then as she's dying you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you! Ohh! See, this is why nobody should be going off my system! What do you mean, "Off your system?" My system of seduction that I used to win your heart, that these idiots are ruining right now! Ben's the only one who's using it properly.
- Ben, explain the system.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
You had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here? - I'm a lizard.
- Oh, whoops! Oh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.
I'm out of here.
I'll give you a ride! Thank you.
What? What are you doing? I'm leaving.
Dee, I don't like you.
Well, how is that possible? You're a mean person.
[Stammers.]
You know what? You go! You get outta here! Way to go, jerks! Good job! Yeah? Way to go to you.
You work at a fair, carney! Don't call her a carney, man.
I don't need you to take up for me! Get out of here! Shut up! Just go! Get outta here! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Idiots ruining my system.
Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it! Oh, system, my ass.
I hate carnivals.
I need a ride.
Is there anybody out there that could take me home? [Voices Speaking Backwards.]