It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s12e01 Episode Script
The Gang Turns Black
1 (thunder rumbling, rain falling) Ooh.
Man, that was, like, one Mississippi that time.
Yeah, that storm's, like, right on top of us, huh? Yeah.
It's kind of cool, though.
I mean, I can't think of a better way to have a movie night than in the middle of an electrical storm.
- It's kind of cozy, right? - Mm-hmm.
Cool, right? Why do we have to watch The Wiz? This movie sucks.
Well, it's Old Black Man's night to pick the movie.
Yeah, but he's asleep.
Yeah, but, like why do a remake of The Wizard of Oz? I mean, the original was a classic.
Uh, don't you think it's fair, though, that they get their version? You know, I mean, it's very difficult being a black person in America, you know? So what? Doesn't mean I want to watch Orlando Bloom in Boyz n the Hood.
[DEE.]
: Yeah, I don't want to see that.
Oh, yeah, if you flip it it's weird, man, yeah.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I mean, look, this may be a little bit touchy for me to say, but, uh, you know, black people They have a lot more opportunities these days.
Well, we did have a black president before the orange one.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean there's not problems.
I mean, what about the whole, like, Black Lives Matter thing? Uh, well, sure, no, good point.
But, I mean, I don't know why it took 'em so long to realize that their lives matter.
I mean, they-they've always mattered, you know? But I would also say that all lives matter, you know? And while black people may not feel like it, it's kind of tough out there right now for everybody.
I mean, really, our lives aren't all that different.
(all grunting) (groans) Whoa.
Oh What the hell happened? Did we get struck by lightning? Uh, I think it came through the electric blankets.
Yeah, we got electrocuted.
Holy shit.
Look at this the VCR's toast.
Uh, wait a sec Where's Old Black Man? Oh, my God.
He's gone.
What the hell? What? Uh guys? You're gonna want to see this.
What? Well, that's interesting.
What the hell is happening? Why are we black people? But only in our reflections.
This is insane.
Are we in a dream? Do we got, we got to, like, pinch ourselves or something? Why is it daylight outside? How is this happening? Forget how.
We're past that.
It is happening.
It just is.
Give me one good reason Whoa - What are you doing? - Give me one good reason Why we're this way - Why are you doing this? - I don't have a reason Whoa I don't have a reason for a thing That's happened today I wonder why we're singing Every word that we say I wonder if we're living out The Wiz in some way Uh, oh, well, no, it's not The Wiz, because nobody switches bodies in The Wiz.
Got to be something else.
I mean, I think we're experiencing something a little more like The Hot Chick, The Change-Up Here I go.
Vice Versa, All of Me Like Father, Like Son Dating the Enemy A Boy Thing, A Girl Thing 13 on 30 Detention - Face/Off Uh Right.
Oh, actually, no, Face/Off wouldn't work, - because that's a face-switching movie.
- Yeah, no, guys, I think we found ourselves in a Quantum Leap.
Hmm? What the hell's a Quantum Leap? Oh, a great show from the coke-fueled era of '80s television where Scott Bakula would leap into other people's bodies, but he didn't know it unless he saw his reflection.
These are not good reasons Whoa Now I'm just confused and I don't know What the hell to say.
(music stops) - Wow.
- Shit.
- Yeah, I don't know what that was.
- That was super weird.
Okay, guys, I think I know what's happening here.
I think we're in the respite of a musical, where people can get out the necessary information that doesn't fit into rhyme form.
Clearly, yeah, that's what's happening.
That's what's happening, right? So let's talk fast be-before - another song starts.
- Okay, so Okay, that's a good idea.
You know what the problem is? We don't know the rules.
And there's no way we're gonna figure this out until we figure out what the rules are.
(music starts playing) What are the rules? Oh, Christ, I'm singing again.
What are the rules? When you've just turned black And you can't switch back Well, you got to go And find out the rules.
Wh Oh.
- Oh.
Oh, my.
- Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Holy shit, what have I done? Um, okay, look, this is gonna keep happening, I think.
Oh, God.
All right, so let's-let's figure this out, soon.
Let's split up, okay? Y-You two, - uh, go and try and find Old Black Man.
- Mm - I'm sorry Old Man.
Just Old Man.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
And, um, help him out, you know? Do-do the Quantum Leap thing.
See that thing through, in case it's that.
And the three of us, we'll go out and, um, we'll try to do the Freaky Friday thing Try to figure out whose bodies we switched with.
But are they gonna look like us, though? I don't know.
What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? When you just turned black And you can't switch back Well, you got to go and find out the rules I think we're in The Wiz Don't force the Wiz thing.
Wait, where are my keys? - Where are my keys? - You got 'em? I can't Wait, what is this? - It's a wallet.
- I know it's a wallet, asshole.
I'm saying it's not my wallet.
Oh.
I appear to be a guy named Reggie Williams.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Yeah, this is an interesting new rule.
It seems that even though we have our own clothes, we have access to the pockets of our reflections.
- What movie is that from? - I don't know that one.
My pockets are empty.
Oh! Maybe the lesson we're supposed to learn is that black people are broke.
You're broke.
- That's a good point.
Yeah, yeah - Oh, shit, hang on a second.
This kid's got 25 bucks.
Oh! Black people are rich.
- That's the lesson.
- You know what, no, I think we're not supposed to make wild assumptions about black people based upon whether or not we have stuff in our pockets.
Yeah, that's that's just Don't make that assumption.
But I'll tell you what, you know what the first thing I need to do is? Find Reggie Williams.
Uh, no, actually, that's the second thing.
I got to cancel my credit card, 'cause this Reggie guy might have it, you know? Oh, right, that's the lesson we have to learn: that black people will ruin your credit.
No What? Dude, you you have to stop.
And you have to stop.
I mean What are you talk I'm just trying to figure out what the lesson is.
We're never gonna zap back making these kind of Well, hold on a second the thing I was saying was that I would cancel my credit card no matter what race the guy was.
- But you went right to it - All right, you know what, okay, fine, let's just find the guy.
Look, how are we gonna get in your car without your keys? Oh, I can get in, man.
I've lost my keys before.
You just got to kind of rock the car a little bit.
Wiggle it down? And check the back door, actually, 'cause sometimes - sometimes that's unlocked.
- Back door.
- Like a wire hanger or - Usually if I push it - a little bit, though - A coat hangar somewhere.
Just kind of slide the window down (siren chirps) (indistinct police radio chatter) [OFFICER.]
: Car 559, responding to robbery in progress.
Shit.
Okay, look, it's all right, all right, calm down, calm down.
It's all good, it's all good.
You know, we can talk our way out of this.
We get out of this stuff all the time.
Well, I think we just found out a new rule.
(siren chirps) This is the exact same place where I found Old Black Man - What.
God, God, Frank.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
Old Man - Okay.
- In the first place.
You know what? This has got to be our mission.
I just feel it.
We're just gonna find Old Man.
- We're gonna find him a place to live.
- Yeah, yeah.
Like, we'll stick him in a nursing home or something.
You can afford that, right? - Right, right.
And then - Yeah.
When we turn white again, I'll stop paying the checks.
Oh, stop! Don't-don't say that out loud.
Just I feel like whoever zapped us here is probably listening.
Who's that? Who zapped us? I don't know, Ziggy? They don't They never really clarified on Quantum Leap.
They just, they just accepted it.
What? You mean nobody ever went after the guy for revenge? Can you just move past it like they did? Okay.
Let's go find your guy.
All right, all right, but let me do the talking, because, you know, guys like Z, they don't like strangers.
Yeah, but you're not you.
Oh, right.
Um, okay.
Well, I got an idea of how we can ingratiate ourselves to them.
Let's make one thing perfectly clear I'm gonna say some words down here I haven't had the chance to say before Where are you going with this, Frank? I'm gonna say "homie" Oh, come on.
I'm gonna say "bro" Are you serious? I'm gonna say "my man" Well, not you're just stereotyping.
I'm gonna say "fo' sho'" Okay.
I'm gonna say the "N" word.
No, no, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Why? Why? - Thank you.
No.
No, we're not saying that.
- Absolutely not.
- Why? I'm black now.
It's probably the only chance I got to say it.
Why are you looking for a chance to say it? Well, a lot of black guys say it.
Why-why-why should they get a pass? It's just not the same, okay? You're not one of them Don't say them No, that's not what I mean What do you mean? You're not one of us That's just confusing Now I'm getting lost We'll say "N" together Not saying the "N" word We'll leave off the "E-R" Not saying it that way And that is the end On saying the "N" word.
- (gasps) - What's up, my niggas? - Oh, well.
- (grunts) What are the rules? There you go.
Hey, see? - You know what it is? - Yeah.
I, uh, I'm black.
Uh too.
Uh I'm, uh, I'm black and I, I'm a friend of Frank's.
- Right, right, right.
- And, uh And I was looking for Okay.
A man, uh, you know, that Frank came and brought to Dee's apartment to, uh, sleep with a bunch of other people, and I I don't, I don't know how to describe him.
He's, uh, old, and, uh, um - And he's - And, uh He's, uh, about this tall; he has Nigga, you talking about Old Black Man.
He right over there laying.
[DEE.]
: How much does this guy sleep? Is he a cat? All aboard.
Chug-a-chug-a-toot-toot.
You really like that train, huh? Can you put it down for a sec, so we can talk? Well, I'm, I'm still playing with it, though.
Okay.
Listen, I'm a social worker, and I have some questions.
Now, are those older guys your friends? Oh, yeah.
That's my gang.
Wait.
Y-You're in a gang? Oh, not like a gang-gang, like a Oh, right this must sound weird.
All right, how can I explain this? Um Well, we hang in a bar Where I like to clean the toilets And I also kill the rats and get tanked And I live in a walk-up In some section eight housing Where I sleep with a man named Frank You sleep with him? Unless he brings home a hooker Then I sleep in the closet Excuse me, can I make this train fly? - Um, sure.
- (imitating airplane) Is Frank your father? No, he's just some guy That banged my mother Like this guy and the other She's a hooker and it's sad But I don't feel all that bad Guess I'm just another black kid Who doesn't know his dad.
Guess we got that in common, huh, kid? Oh, unless he knows his dad.
Oh, shoot.
That was racist.
(mimics airplane) (mimics fighter plane shooting) This is bullshit, man.
Th-This is total discrimination.
Well, we were breaking into a car that wasn't ours.
But, dude, I think we've got bigger problems on our hands.
- What if we have priors? - I do have priors.
Oh, I have priors, too.
I-I didn't mean us, I meant them.
Dude.
That could be He probably does have priors.
You prob - Yeah.
- Oh, no, see.
No.
Let's not do that.
Let's not go there, man.
Let's not draw conclusions They're only just illusions Never, ever, ever just assume Right.
The road is always two ways And assumptions make bad through-ways Let's open our hearts for much more room Yes.
Like maybe I'm a doctor Maybe it's just that Or maybe I'm a French chef And that's why you're so fat Maybe you're a fireman Saving people's lives [BOTH.]
: Maybe we're just good men With houses, kids and wives Let's draw good conclusions Let's make a better guess Let's hope we learned our lesson [BOTH.]
: And just pray for the best.
Well, Reverend, I see that you and the deacon are praying.
I apologize about any inconvenience and just want to thank you again for all the work your parish has done with the police athletic league.
[BOTH.]
: We're church blacks! (both laugh) Church people.
Yeah.
Church we're just church people.
The fact that we're black is irrelevant.
- Has nothing to - (clears throat) Will you look at this place, Old Man? You will not have to be living with that Dee person anymore.
So it's kind of a win-win for everybody in this situation.
- Carl.
- Ruth.
Where have you been? Looking for you.
Children, did you find him? Yes.
Yes children? We're their kids! - Holy shit! - Oh, shit.
- We reunited them.
- We did.
- That was our mission.
- We did it! - Oh! - Oh, God, yes.
Hey.
What's all the hubbub about over there? (gasping): Oh, shit.
Oh, what? That's Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.
[FRANK.]
: I thought you said Blacula, like a black vampire.
Hey.
So we were right? Wait a minute, are you here helping somebody? - Are you leaping? - Oh, my God.
The show I can't get away from it.
Look, that was just a TV character.
I'm an actor.
- Why do you got a mop? - Researching a role.
So You didn't get a piece of the show? Your residuals ran out.
I'm sorry.
I've been working constantly for 30 years, okay? All right.
Okay, yeah.
So Well, anyway, we just reunited a family, and we're gonna, Yeah.
We're gonna leap.
We're gonna leap now.
[FRANK.]
: Yeah, right now.
Ziggy, now! It's not working.
How do you do it? - How'd you do it on the show? - Tell us how to do it.
Okay, just get out, okay? Hmm? - Get out.
Everybody, everybody get out.
- [FRANK.]
: Wait.
Fine.
Fine, Scott.
But listen to me.
Don't steal our leap.
Yeah.
Don't steal our leap.
How did they know That my wife took it all? And I'm not researching roles How did they know? Ziggy, if you hear me Take me far, far from here Let me leap to '89 That was a better year I miss my old Camaro And my mansion in Van Nuys Wish I still hung with Nash Bridges Played poker with The Fall Guy Oh, Ziggy, can you see My tears? Ziggy! Leave me far Far from here.
[MAN.]
: Hey, Hollywood.
Why don't you leap on up to the third floor.
Somebody shit all over the dining hall.
Okay, boss.
Dude, can I admit something to you? I feel like that's the nicest the police have ever treated me.
Well, maybe that's the lesson that we have to learn.
That if you're an upstanding member of society, then the police will treat you with respect.
Hmm.
Although I still do suspect that we were arrested - due to racial profiling.
- Aw, I don't think so, dude.
No? I think it's still, I think it's still unclear.
What are the rules? Ugh.
Here we go with this.
What are the rules? When your race has changed Life can be real strange When you're trying to figure out all the rules - Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey.
Hey.
- Well, we're not in a Quantum Leap.
- What? We reunited Old Black Old Man with his wife.
- Nothing happened.
- Yeah, we ran into Blacula.
- Bakula.
- Bakula.
- Scott Bakula, the actor? - Yeah, I think - he's trying to steal our leap.
- Yeah, he might be.
- Mm-hmm.
- This doesn't make any sense.
See, we're not in a classic body-switching movie, either, because we've been learning lessons left and right, - and we're still not changing back.
- Really? Huh.
Oh! What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? When you've kept your brain But the world's insane How the hell you gonna find out the rules? Well, guys, maybe we didn't keep our brains after all, like the Scarecrow in The Wiz.
I grabbed Dee's VCR, 'cause I'm thinking maybe if we get this thing fixed, we can get shocked again while watching The Wiz, and that'll send us back.
Oh, my God! Charlie! I can't believe I didn't think of this.
Do you guys remember that electronics store on Market Street? The Wiz? It's called The Wiz! Yes! Maybe we got to bring the VCR there.
Guys, I think we really are in The Wiz.
- You called it, man, yeah.
- I don't know, I don't know.
We can't be sure, but, uh at this point it does feel like the path of least resistance.
It's the only thing we haven't tried.
Yeah, right? What are the rules? Of being black in America What are the rules? Of leaping from your body What are the rules? Who can say the "N" word? What are the rules? I really wanna say the "N" word What are the rules? What are the rules? Oh, shit, there it is! The Wiz! We can't do that dance anymore.
- That was exhausting.
- It's closed! Hey, open up! We need your help! Open the door! - Back up.
Here he comes.
- Ah.
What do you want? We're closed.
- We're to see the Wiz.
- Yeah, we really got to talk to him.
There's no Wiz.
It's just the name of the damn store.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh.
Well, all right, man, well, can you just fix this VCR for us, please? Yeah.
Go away.
Come back when we're open.
- Wait-wait-wait.
- Just-just hear us out.
Excuse me Ooh My kind brother Ah But can you lend a hand? Ooh Ah We really are in trouble Ooh Ah (high-pitched): We really need a friend Ooh, ooh Ah We're trapped inside these bodies Trapped inside, we're trapped inside Ooh It's so hard to understand! Ooh But if you look inside Our souls, sir Ah You'll see that we're white men.
(chuckles): Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
Yes! I see it now.
Let me fix your VCR.
(excited chatter) Yeah! Oh, great! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That's a nice white man.
And the song helped.
- [FRANK.]
: Yeah, it worked.
- 911? I'd like to report a disturbance.
[CHARLIE.]
: He's definitely calling the cops.
(all talking at once) - That racist bastard! - Hey, you know what happened, is we intimidated him 'cause we're black.
Oh, my God.
No.
You know why he's calling the cops? He's calling the cops 'cause he thinks we're insane people.
We were singing and talking about switching bodies and shit.
What are the rules? - Whoa-whoa-whoa.
- Ugh, I'm sick of that one.
I don't want to have to sing that song again.
All right? That being said, it is difficult to decipher when exactly we're being discriminated against.
Yeah.
Well, look, look, look.
Maybe that's the lesson here Things are not always that clear - That's definitely true.
- They're not.
We have a lot in common But too much of it Is fear - (siren chirps) - You're right.
- Right.
- That's right.
So here come those police again [DENNIS.]
: Shit.
But let me talk, 'cause they're my friends They like me They gave me this train.
He's got a gun! (overlapping shouting) - Oh, God! - They shot Charlie! [COP.]
: Freeze! Get on the ground! We just learned our lesson Aah-aah, yeah! A horrible lesson Aah, yeah! We just learned our lesson And we wanna go home Our home White home Just say home, we really Really wanna go home Let's click our heels together [CHARLIE.]
: Whoa, yeah And pray we leave forever Oh, yeah We just learned our lesson and we wanna go home Our home White home Just say home! We really, really Wanna go home O ver the rainbow! I wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna go home I wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna go home I wanna go home.
I wanna, wanna, wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna, wanna, wanna go home.
ALL (distorted, echoing): Go home! Go home! Go home! Wake up! Hey, go home! Go home.
Go home! Wake up! (clapping) Go home.
It's morning.
You know the routine.
Go home.
Or wherever the hell it is you go during the day.
I had the craziest dream.
You were there.
You were there.
You all were singing.
All right, well, that's great.
We don't give a shit, 'cause we don't like hearing about people's dreams.
Yeah, let's go, chop-chop.
Come on.
Does this mean you didn't learn your lesson? What in the hell is he talking about? Learn a lesson from your dream? How would that work? Yeah, the only thing we learned is that you have terrible taste in movies.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Come on.
We'll see you later tonight.
Yeah.
We'll see you, pal.
- Hit the road.
- Do your day thing.
Do your day thing.
He wants me to learn a lesson from his dream.
We got to have peace To keep the world alive And war to cease Oh, boy.
What are the rules? We got to have joy True in our hearts with strength we can't destroy People, hear us Through our voice, the world knows there's no choice
Man, that was, like, one Mississippi that time.
Yeah, that storm's, like, right on top of us, huh? Yeah.
It's kind of cool, though.
I mean, I can't think of a better way to have a movie night than in the middle of an electrical storm.
- It's kind of cozy, right? - Mm-hmm.
Cool, right? Why do we have to watch The Wiz? This movie sucks.
Well, it's Old Black Man's night to pick the movie.
Yeah, but he's asleep.
Yeah, but, like why do a remake of The Wizard of Oz? I mean, the original was a classic.
Uh, don't you think it's fair, though, that they get their version? You know, I mean, it's very difficult being a black person in America, you know? So what? Doesn't mean I want to watch Orlando Bloom in Boyz n the Hood.
[DEE.]
: Yeah, I don't want to see that.
Oh, yeah, if you flip it it's weird, man, yeah.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I mean, look, this may be a little bit touchy for me to say, but, uh, you know, black people They have a lot more opportunities these days.
Well, we did have a black president before the orange one.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean there's not problems.
I mean, what about the whole, like, Black Lives Matter thing? Uh, well, sure, no, good point.
But, I mean, I don't know why it took 'em so long to realize that their lives matter.
I mean, they-they've always mattered, you know? But I would also say that all lives matter, you know? And while black people may not feel like it, it's kind of tough out there right now for everybody.
I mean, really, our lives aren't all that different.
(all grunting) (groans) Whoa.
Oh What the hell happened? Did we get struck by lightning? Uh, I think it came through the electric blankets.
Yeah, we got electrocuted.
Holy shit.
Look at this the VCR's toast.
Uh, wait a sec Where's Old Black Man? Oh, my God.
He's gone.
What the hell? What? Uh guys? You're gonna want to see this.
What? Well, that's interesting.
What the hell is happening? Why are we black people? But only in our reflections.
This is insane.
Are we in a dream? Do we got, we got to, like, pinch ourselves or something? Why is it daylight outside? How is this happening? Forget how.
We're past that.
It is happening.
It just is.
Give me one good reason Whoa - What are you doing? - Give me one good reason Why we're this way - Why are you doing this? - I don't have a reason Whoa I don't have a reason for a thing That's happened today I wonder why we're singing Every word that we say I wonder if we're living out The Wiz in some way Uh, oh, well, no, it's not The Wiz, because nobody switches bodies in The Wiz.
Got to be something else.
I mean, I think we're experiencing something a little more like The Hot Chick, The Change-Up Here I go.
Vice Versa, All of Me Like Father, Like Son Dating the Enemy A Boy Thing, A Girl Thing 13 on 30 Detention - Face/Off Uh Right.
Oh, actually, no, Face/Off wouldn't work, - because that's a face-switching movie.
- Yeah, no, guys, I think we found ourselves in a Quantum Leap.
Hmm? What the hell's a Quantum Leap? Oh, a great show from the coke-fueled era of '80s television where Scott Bakula would leap into other people's bodies, but he didn't know it unless he saw his reflection.
These are not good reasons Whoa Now I'm just confused and I don't know What the hell to say.
(music stops) - Wow.
- Shit.
- Yeah, I don't know what that was.
- That was super weird.
Okay, guys, I think I know what's happening here.
I think we're in the respite of a musical, where people can get out the necessary information that doesn't fit into rhyme form.
Clearly, yeah, that's what's happening.
That's what's happening, right? So let's talk fast be-before - another song starts.
- Okay, so Okay, that's a good idea.
You know what the problem is? We don't know the rules.
And there's no way we're gonna figure this out until we figure out what the rules are.
(music starts playing) What are the rules? Oh, Christ, I'm singing again.
What are the rules? When you've just turned black And you can't switch back Well, you got to go And find out the rules.
Wh Oh.
- Oh.
Oh, my.
- Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Holy shit, what have I done? Um, okay, look, this is gonna keep happening, I think.
Oh, God.
All right, so let's-let's figure this out, soon.
Let's split up, okay? Y-You two, - uh, go and try and find Old Black Man.
- Mm - I'm sorry Old Man.
Just Old Man.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
And, um, help him out, you know? Do-do the Quantum Leap thing.
See that thing through, in case it's that.
And the three of us, we'll go out and, um, we'll try to do the Freaky Friday thing Try to figure out whose bodies we switched with.
But are they gonna look like us, though? I don't know.
What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? When you just turned black And you can't switch back Well, you got to go and find out the rules I think we're in The Wiz Don't force the Wiz thing.
Wait, where are my keys? - Where are my keys? - You got 'em? I can't Wait, what is this? - It's a wallet.
- I know it's a wallet, asshole.
I'm saying it's not my wallet.
Oh.
I appear to be a guy named Reggie Williams.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Yeah, this is an interesting new rule.
It seems that even though we have our own clothes, we have access to the pockets of our reflections.
- What movie is that from? - I don't know that one.
My pockets are empty.
Oh! Maybe the lesson we're supposed to learn is that black people are broke.
You're broke.
- That's a good point.
Yeah, yeah - Oh, shit, hang on a second.
This kid's got 25 bucks.
Oh! Black people are rich.
- That's the lesson.
- You know what, no, I think we're not supposed to make wild assumptions about black people based upon whether or not we have stuff in our pockets.
Yeah, that's that's just Don't make that assumption.
But I'll tell you what, you know what the first thing I need to do is? Find Reggie Williams.
Uh, no, actually, that's the second thing.
I got to cancel my credit card, 'cause this Reggie guy might have it, you know? Oh, right, that's the lesson we have to learn: that black people will ruin your credit.
No What? Dude, you you have to stop.
And you have to stop.
I mean What are you talk I'm just trying to figure out what the lesson is.
We're never gonna zap back making these kind of Well, hold on a second the thing I was saying was that I would cancel my credit card no matter what race the guy was.
- But you went right to it - All right, you know what, okay, fine, let's just find the guy.
Look, how are we gonna get in your car without your keys? Oh, I can get in, man.
I've lost my keys before.
You just got to kind of rock the car a little bit.
Wiggle it down? And check the back door, actually, 'cause sometimes - sometimes that's unlocked.
- Back door.
- Like a wire hanger or - Usually if I push it - a little bit, though - A coat hangar somewhere.
Just kind of slide the window down (siren chirps) (indistinct police radio chatter) [OFFICER.]
: Car 559, responding to robbery in progress.
Shit.
Okay, look, it's all right, all right, calm down, calm down.
It's all good, it's all good.
You know, we can talk our way out of this.
We get out of this stuff all the time.
Well, I think we just found out a new rule.
(siren chirps) This is the exact same place where I found Old Black Man - What.
God, God, Frank.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
Old Man - Okay.
- In the first place.
You know what? This has got to be our mission.
I just feel it.
We're just gonna find Old Man.
- We're gonna find him a place to live.
- Yeah, yeah.
Like, we'll stick him in a nursing home or something.
You can afford that, right? - Right, right.
And then - Yeah.
When we turn white again, I'll stop paying the checks.
Oh, stop! Don't-don't say that out loud.
Just I feel like whoever zapped us here is probably listening.
Who's that? Who zapped us? I don't know, Ziggy? They don't They never really clarified on Quantum Leap.
They just, they just accepted it.
What? You mean nobody ever went after the guy for revenge? Can you just move past it like they did? Okay.
Let's go find your guy.
All right, all right, but let me do the talking, because, you know, guys like Z, they don't like strangers.
Yeah, but you're not you.
Oh, right.
Um, okay.
Well, I got an idea of how we can ingratiate ourselves to them.
Let's make one thing perfectly clear I'm gonna say some words down here I haven't had the chance to say before Where are you going with this, Frank? I'm gonna say "homie" Oh, come on.
I'm gonna say "bro" Are you serious? I'm gonna say "my man" Well, not you're just stereotyping.
I'm gonna say "fo' sho'" Okay.
I'm gonna say the "N" word.
No, no, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Why? Why? - Thank you.
No.
No, we're not saying that.
- Absolutely not.
- Why? I'm black now.
It's probably the only chance I got to say it.
Why are you looking for a chance to say it? Well, a lot of black guys say it.
Why-why-why should they get a pass? It's just not the same, okay? You're not one of them Don't say them No, that's not what I mean What do you mean? You're not one of us That's just confusing Now I'm getting lost We'll say "N" together Not saying the "N" word We'll leave off the "E-R" Not saying it that way And that is the end On saying the "N" word.
- (gasps) - What's up, my niggas? - Oh, well.
- (grunts) What are the rules? There you go.
Hey, see? - You know what it is? - Yeah.
I, uh, I'm black.
Uh too.
Uh I'm, uh, I'm black and I, I'm a friend of Frank's.
- Right, right, right.
- And, uh And I was looking for Okay.
A man, uh, you know, that Frank came and brought to Dee's apartment to, uh, sleep with a bunch of other people, and I I don't, I don't know how to describe him.
He's, uh, old, and, uh, um - And he's - And, uh He's, uh, about this tall; he has Nigga, you talking about Old Black Man.
He right over there laying.
[DEE.]
: How much does this guy sleep? Is he a cat? All aboard.
Chug-a-chug-a-toot-toot.
You really like that train, huh? Can you put it down for a sec, so we can talk? Well, I'm, I'm still playing with it, though.
Okay.
Listen, I'm a social worker, and I have some questions.
Now, are those older guys your friends? Oh, yeah.
That's my gang.
Wait.
Y-You're in a gang? Oh, not like a gang-gang, like a Oh, right this must sound weird.
All right, how can I explain this? Um Well, we hang in a bar Where I like to clean the toilets And I also kill the rats and get tanked And I live in a walk-up In some section eight housing Where I sleep with a man named Frank You sleep with him? Unless he brings home a hooker Then I sleep in the closet Excuse me, can I make this train fly? - Um, sure.
- (imitating airplane) Is Frank your father? No, he's just some guy That banged my mother Like this guy and the other She's a hooker and it's sad But I don't feel all that bad Guess I'm just another black kid Who doesn't know his dad.
Guess we got that in common, huh, kid? Oh, unless he knows his dad.
Oh, shoot.
That was racist.
(mimics airplane) (mimics fighter plane shooting) This is bullshit, man.
Th-This is total discrimination.
Well, we were breaking into a car that wasn't ours.
But, dude, I think we've got bigger problems on our hands.
- What if we have priors? - I do have priors.
Oh, I have priors, too.
I-I didn't mean us, I meant them.
Dude.
That could be He probably does have priors.
You prob - Yeah.
- Oh, no, see.
No.
Let's not do that.
Let's not go there, man.
Let's not draw conclusions They're only just illusions Never, ever, ever just assume Right.
The road is always two ways And assumptions make bad through-ways Let's open our hearts for much more room Yes.
Like maybe I'm a doctor Maybe it's just that Or maybe I'm a French chef And that's why you're so fat Maybe you're a fireman Saving people's lives [BOTH.]
: Maybe we're just good men With houses, kids and wives Let's draw good conclusions Let's make a better guess Let's hope we learned our lesson [BOTH.]
: And just pray for the best.
Well, Reverend, I see that you and the deacon are praying.
I apologize about any inconvenience and just want to thank you again for all the work your parish has done with the police athletic league.
[BOTH.]
: We're church blacks! (both laugh) Church people.
Yeah.
Church we're just church people.
The fact that we're black is irrelevant.
- Has nothing to - (clears throat) Will you look at this place, Old Man? You will not have to be living with that Dee person anymore.
So it's kind of a win-win for everybody in this situation.
- Carl.
- Ruth.
Where have you been? Looking for you.
Children, did you find him? Yes.
Yes children? We're their kids! - Holy shit! - Oh, shit.
- We reunited them.
- We did.
- That was our mission.
- We did it! - Oh! - Oh, God, yes.
Hey.
What's all the hubbub about over there? (gasping): Oh, shit.
Oh, what? That's Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.
[FRANK.]
: I thought you said Blacula, like a black vampire.
Hey.
So we were right? Wait a minute, are you here helping somebody? - Are you leaping? - Oh, my God.
The show I can't get away from it.
Look, that was just a TV character.
I'm an actor.
- Why do you got a mop? - Researching a role.
So You didn't get a piece of the show? Your residuals ran out.
I'm sorry.
I've been working constantly for 30 years, okay? All right.
Okay, yeah.
So Well, anyway, we just reunited a family, and we're gonna, Yeah.
We're gonna leap.
We're gonna leap now.
[FRANK.]
: Yeah, right now.
Ziggy, now! It's not working.
How do you do it? - How'd you do it on the show? - Tell us how to do it.
Okay, just get out, okay? Hmm? - Get out.
Everybody, everybody get out.
- [FRANK.]
: Wait.
Fine.
Fine, Scott.
But listen to me.
Don't steal our leap.
Yeah.
Don't steal our leap.
How did they know That my wife took it all? And I'm not researching roles How did they know? Ziggy, if you hear me Take me far, far from here Let me leap to '89 That was a better year I miss my old Camaro And my mansion in Van Nuys Wish I still hung with Nash Bridges Played poker with The Fall Guy Oh, Ziggy, can you see My tears? Ziggy! Leave me far Far from here.
[MAN.]
: Hey, Hollywood.
Why don't you leap on up to the third floor.
Somebody shit all over the dining hall.
Okay, boss.
Dude, can I admit something to you? I feel like that's the nicest the police have ever treated me.
Well, maybe that's the lesson that we have to learn.
That if you're an upstanding member of society, then the police will treat you with respect.
Hmm.
Although I still do suspect that we were arrested - due to racial profiling.
- Aw, I don't think so, dude.
No? I think it's still, I think it's still unclear.
What are the rules? Ugh.
Here we go with this.
What are the rules? When your race has changed Life can be real strange When you're trying to figure out all the rules - Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey.
Hey.
- Well, we're not in a Quantum Leap.
- What? We reunited Old Black Old Man with his wife.
- Nothing happened.
- Yeah, we ran into Blacula.
- Bakula.
- Bakula.
- Scott Bakula, the actor? - Yeah, I think - he's trying to steal our leap.
- Yeah, he might be.
- Mm-hmm.
- This doesn't make any sense.
See, we're not in a classic body-switching movie, either, because we've been learning lessons left and right, - and we're still not changing back.
- Really? Huh.
Oh! What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? What are the rules? When you've kept your brain But the world's insane How the hell you gonna find out the rules? Well, guys, maybe we didn't keep our brains after all, like the Scarecrow in The Wiz.
I grabbed Dee's VCR, 'cause I'm thinking maybe if we get this thing fixed, we can get shocked again while watching The Wiz, and that'll send us back.
Oh, my God! Charlie! I can't believe I didn't think of this.
Do you guys remember that electronics store on Market Street? The Wiz? It's called The Wiz! Yes! Maybe we got to bring the VCR there.
Guys, I think we really are in The Wiz.
- You called it, man, yeah.
- I don't know, I don't know.
We can't be sure, but, uh at this point it does feel like the path of least resistance.
It's the only thing we haven't tried.
Yeah, right? What are the rules? Of being black in America What are the rules? Of leaping from your body What are the rules? Who can say the "N" word? What are the rules? I really wanna say the "N" word What are the rules? What are the rules? Oh, shit, there it is! The Wiz! We can't do that dance anymore.
- That was exhausting.
- It's closed! Hey, open up! We need your help! Open the door! - Back up.
Here he comes.
- Ah.
What do you want? We're closed.
- We're to see the Wiz.
- Yeah, we really got to talk to him.
There's no Wiz.
It's just the name of the damn store.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh.
Well, all right, man, well, can you just fix this VCR for us, please? Yeah.
Go away.
Come back when we're open.
- Wait-wait-wait.
- Just-just hear us out.
Excuse me Ooh My kind brother Ah But can you lend a hand? Ooh Ah We really are in trouble Ooh Ah (high-pitched): We really need a friend Ooh, ooh Ah We're trapped inside these bodies Trapped inside, we're trapped inside Ooh It's so hard to understand! Ooh But if you look inside Our souls, sir Ah You'll see that we're white men.
(chuckles): Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
Yes! I see it now.
Let me fix your VCR.
(excited chatter) Yeah! Oh, great! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That's a nice white man.
And the song helped.
- [FRANK.]
: Yeah, it worked.
- 911? I'd like to report a disturbance.
[CHARLIE.]
: He's definitely calling the cops.
(all talking at once) - That racist bastard! - Hey, you know what happened, is we intimidated him 'cause we're black.
Oh, my God.
No.
You know why he's calling the cops? He's calling the cops 'cause he thinks we're insane people.
We were singing and talking about switching bodies and shit.
What are the rules? - Whoa-whoa-whoa.
- Ugh, I'm sick of that one.
I don't want to have to sing that song again.
All right? That being said, it is difficult to decipher when exactly we're being discriminated against.
Yeah.
Well, look, look, look.
Maybe that's the lesson here Things are not always that clear - That's definitely true.
- They're not.
We have a lot in common But too much of it Is fear - (siren chirps) - You're right.
- Right.
- That's right.
So here come those police again [DENNIS.]
: Shit.
But let me talk, 'cause they're my friends They like me They gave me this train.
He's got a gun! (overlapping shouting) - Oh, God! - They shot Charlie! [COP.]
: Freeze! Get on the ground! We just learned our lesson Aah-aah, yeah! A horrible lesson Aah, yeah! We just learned our lesson And we wanna go home Our home White home Just say home, we really Really wanna go home Let's click our heels together [CHARLIE.]
: Whoa, yeah And pray we leave forever Oh, yeah We just learned our lesson and we wanna go home Our home White home Just say home! We really, really Wanna go home O ver the rainbow! I wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna go home I wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna go home I wanna go home.
I wanna, wanna, wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna, wanna, wanna go home.
ALL (distorted, echoing): Go home! Go home! Go home! Wake up! Hey, go home! Go home.
Go home! Wake up! (clapping) Go home.
It's morning.
You know the routine.
Go home.
Or wherever the hell it is you go during the day.
I had the craziest dream.
You were there.
You were there.
You all were singing.
All right, well, that's great.
We don't give a shit, 'cause we don't like hearing about people's dreams.
Yeah, let's go, chop-chop.
Come on.
Does this mean you didn't learn your lesson? What in the hell is he talking about? Learn a lesson from your dream? How would that work? Yeah, the only thing we learned is that you have terrible taste in movies.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Come on.
We'll see you later tonight.
Yeah.
We'll see you, pal.
- Hit the road.
- Do your day thing.
Do your day thing.
He wants me to learn a lesson from his dream.
We got to have peace To keep the world alive And war to cease Oh, boy.
What are the rules? We got to have joy True in our hearts with strength we can't destroy People, hear us Through our voice, the world knows there's no choice