Jane the Virgin (2014) s04e15 Episode Script

Chapter Seventy-Nine

1 NARRATOR: All right, let's start with the good news.
Jane and Rafael were together and happy.
Also happy? Petra and her lawyer, J.
R.
Mmm, baby.
Oh, and speaking of Baby, remember this? We have finally found the perfect nanny.
DARCI: Felicia Romero.
I have a better idea.
A baby needs her father, which is why I will take the next year off.
NARRATOR: Only problem? He's not going to stay home much longer because his American version of The Passions of Santos just got the green light.
We are officially going to make The Passions of Steve and Brenda: The First Co-Presidents of the United States.
NARRATOR: Oh, and speaking of the United States, you recall Alba's been on the path to citizenship, and she's also had to deal with some romantic drama of her own.
See, Jorge proposed, but she turned him down twice.
And then she changed her mind, but it was too late.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know.
Talk about heartbreak.
Which brings us to Xiomara.
See, she recently learned she has stage III breast cancer, so she had to make some big decisions.
I've actually decided to have a single mastectomy.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so she had the surgery, which, my friends, is where we left off.
When Jane Gloriana Villanueva was 18 years old, something truly horrific happened.
ALL: No! She missed Arturo finding out that his bride Victoria was actually his long-lost sister on Te Amo Pero Te Odio.
All right, that's it.
No more putting it off.
We're getting a new TV.
NARRATOR: And that, friends, was when the Villanueva women got to work.
And, as with all families, each had a part to play.
Okay, I've narrowed it down to three choices based off price, size, and picture quality.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Jane was the researcher.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Alba was the caretaker.
Okay, I will, but look.
This is my top choice, and normally it's out of our price range, but I found a coupon in the paper for 25% off.
(GASPS) Mmm.
Oh, my God.
It expires today.
And the store closes at 6:00 p.
m.
What? It's 5:45.
Let's go! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And Xo Wait, wait, wait, wait! It's 5:58! Oh, sorry.
We're closed.
Come back tomorrow.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, she was the whoop ass.
Oh, hell no, junior.
We have 90 seconds left, so unless you want your boss to know that you closed early, punch back in or I'll punch you out.
(SIGHS) ROGELLO: I got the new TV.
Full price.
I made sure to get a good one.
None of that discounted crap.
My only request is that you never watch my shows in ultra-high-def.
It is not a fair depiction of my pore size.
You have my word.
Thanks, hon.
(BABY CRYING) Baby duty calls.
NARRATOR: Yep.
In times of crisis, we revert - to our roles.
- Cool TV.
Can I watch PAW Patrol with Abuela? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep, there's our caretaker.
Yes to fluids, no to plastic.
Use this, Mateo.
I have to send you guys this article.
It's really interesting.
Basically, plastic is poisoning us all.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: What'd I tell you? The researcher.
(SIGHS) I don't know, Ma.
Just walking around the house feels like enough.
- I'm still in so much pain.
- ROGELLO: No! Sheila, Santos never wears peach.
Never ever.
Even if he was playing a peach, he would wear lavender.
He would be a lavender peach.
Do you understand? Okay.
Oh, I'm sorry.
They just hired the new costume designer for Steve and Brenda, and she's clueless.
Even Baby knows that President Steven T.
Santos doesn't wear peach.
How are you and Darci doing on the search for a new nanny? You haven't told her? - Dad.
- Rogelio.
I know, I know, but I made such a big show about being Baby's nanny, Darci will rake me over the coals for backing out.
So I was thinking, maybe I could bring Baby with me to work.
You know, just hand her to a P.
A.
when we roll camera.
Rogelio, that's ridiculous.
You have to talk to Darci.
- Well - Now! Don't be a coward.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep, there's our whoop ass.
Oh, here's the article.
So, it's not just BPA, although that's bad.
It uh My computer died.
NARRATOR: Thank God.
(SIGHS) I think I left my charger at Rafael's.
It's over there in the kitchen pile.
Or maybe it's by the bed pile.
There are a lot of Jane piles - in this place.
- Got it.
Well, where are you guys headed? I got called in early for a shift, so I'm dropping them off at Petra's.
Hey, how's your mom? Took a few more laps around the living room today.
Nice.
Oh, want some more good news? Always.
Mateo's progress report.
- Straight fours.
- What?! Mateo! That's my boy.
ELLIE: We used to think four was good, too.
But that's when we thought it was out of five.
It's out of six.
ELLIE: So it's more of a C-plus.
We got A's.
Well, I am still very proud of him.
(CHUCKLES, CLICKS TONGUE) And the two of you for being such little smarties.
- Should we go out and celebrate? - MATEO: Yeah.
Can we go bowling? Of course.
Bowling it is.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! My charger.
Okay.
I have to get back to my mom's.
See you later.
I love you.
Whoa.
Did you actually just say that? Yeah, I guess I did.
Well, I love you, too.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Aw.
Okay, got to go.
Us, too.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Seriously? Wow.
Talk about anticlimactic.
(DOOR CLOSES) OMG, I'm sorry.
It was so anticlimactic, I forgot to do this.
(KNOCKING) (CLEARS THROAT) (WHISPERING) You're early.
My shift changed.
I've been texting you.
Oh, and before I forget, Jane planned a family bowling night for Friday in honor of everyone's good progress reports at school.
We'll bowl.
Uh, listen, I need you to keep the girls occupied.
- What? Why? - J.
R.
spent the night.
- She's in the shower.
- Have the girls even met her yet? No.
And I don't think now is the ideal time, but you're early.
Who wants to go downstairs and get some ice cream? BOTH: Yay! RAMOS: Okay, love your shower, hate your Oh.
Who is she? - My friend.
- Why is your friend wearing a robe? PETRA: Girls, let's go for that ice cream.
We'll have a nice talk.
I'm sorry about this.
I'm sure it's not how you wanted to meet the girls.
Yeah, I didn't want to meet them at all.
Excuse me? Not a kid person.
I'm gonna put some clothes on.
Nice meeting you.
JANE: Stop it.
Don't rush to judgment.
She said she didn't like my kids.
Kids in general, not just yours.
- Although they can be tough.
- Jane.
Just look at it from her point of view.
She was in a bathrobe.
She wasn't expecting to see anybody, and she ended up meeting the whole family.
You know what? I'm gonna call Petra and suggest we all have dinner.
What? No.
Yes.
We have a family policy.
J.
R.
met the kids.
We have to get to know her.
And you have to give her a chance.
Fine.
I'll go to dinner, but only if you admit you're really doing this because you're curious.
So curious.
She makes Petra giggle.
NARRATOR: She makes her do more than that.
But also, we have a family policy.
NARRATOR: And speaking of family and policy Can you please check again? There must be some mistake.
Oh.
Okay, yes.
I'll be there.
Thank you.
What was that about? Monday? That test wasn't supposed to be for another two months.
I know.
Okay, so ask to reschedule it.
Okay.
I'll help you study.
We'll get it done.
(DOOR CLOSES) What? Ma, I got to hold off on that walk outside again.
I'm tired.
What's going on? Yeah.
Everything's great.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, just a guess? At some point, Xo's gonna open that can of whoop ass on both of them.
Why won't you tell her about the test date? You should go home to study.
I'll take care of her.
Well, you need to focus on your test.
DARCI: What do you want? I have to tell you something.
It's important.
Let me guess.
You took a personality test, and it turns out you're a narcissistic egomaniac with a subconscious inferiority complex.
(LAUGHS FORCEDLY) (CHUCKLES) That's a good one, Darci.
Your sense of humor is as delightful as the look on your face.
So? Spit it out.
Well it seems circumstances have conspired - in a sense - Rogelio.
I can no longer be Baby's nanny.
Wow.
I mean, I knew this would happen That you'd quit but still, now that it's happening I am so, so angry with you! Because you do this all the time! You Xo has breast cancer.
A-And I need to take care of her.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: The cancer card? Really, Rogelio? (SOFTLY): What? Oh, my God, I I had no idea.
We've been keeping it quiet.
She just had a mastectomy, and she's in a lot of pain.
And that is why I can't be the nanny.
Yeah.
That and preproduction.
I'm so sorry.
Of course you need to be there for Xo.
I'll pick up the slack as long as you need.
PETRA: This needs to be quick.
I convinced J.
R.
to come to drinks.
Oh.
So she didn't want to? I didn't want her to.
It is way too early to introduce you to J.
R.
But since you insisted, you are not allowed to screw this up and embarrass me.
Petra, don't worry.
We'll keep it super low-key.
And you'll make sure Raf doesn't say anything - overprotective or patronizing? - Oh, come on.
I wouldn't do that.
You have experience with kids? So, do you have a car seat? The three of you are on your roof.
You get locked out.
Do you jump off? I'm on it.
Don't worry.
Okay.
Things not to bring up.
Let's start with the three I's.
Insemination.
A sandwich and the extra turkey baster.
Infidelity.
And any other Indiscretions.
Also, avoid all other controversial topics, including, but not limited to, sex, religion, politics and the New York Mets.
Is it okay to discuss the weather? Don't be condescending.
- And no, J.
R.
hates small talk.
- JANE: Okay.
Got it.
- Off to deliver flash cards.
- To Mateo? Good idea.
I heard about the fours.
No.
For my abuela.
Mm-hmm.
No.
Hmm.
So he just happened to mention they broke up? No way.
He dropped that info on purpose.
- NARRATOR: Mm-hmm.
- She's right.
He totally wanted you to know he was single.
You should tell him you still have feelings for him.
Uh, I'm just not quite strong enough for that yet.
XIOMARA: Ma, I'm not ready.
What are those? Oh, uh um they're for my writing.
I left them at work.
Just story plotting.
Thanks for grabbing them for me, Abuela.
All right.
Time for drinks with J.
R.
Ooh, you have to let us know what she's like.
I will.
My mission is just to keep Rafael from ambushing her.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to Thanks for sitting down.
This is an important step, since there are kids involved.
Right.
I heard about the "rule" That's just me.
I love rules.
Structure.
Plans.
(CHUCKLES) But I obviously do want to know anyone who's gonna be spending significant time with my children.
Rafael, she's here.
We get it.
Anyway, so, uh, you're a lawyer? Yep.
I am.
What was law school like? Pretty challenging.
Yeah, I've heard that.
What was the toughest part? The tests.
I don't like tests.
Well, luckily, this is not one of those tests.
It's just a get-to-know-you.
- Hmm.
- Great.
Then I'll ask the next question.
How am I doing? Good.
- Good? - So good.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Okay.
JANE: Shall we maybe grab the waiter, - order some drinks? - Yeah, yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) I think so.
Excuse me.
So, that you wouldn't do in front of the kids.
Come on.
Clearly.
Okay, great.
Let's order a bottle of pinot noir.
I recently read that the antioxidants in red wine help prevent coronary artery disease.
Wow, Jane, you're a real bulldozer.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but thanks.
NARRATOR: Pretty sure it's a bad thing.
I'll have a glass of your best Speyside scotch.
Nice choice.
I'll have one as well.
All around.
No, thanks.
I'll have my usual white.
Ever tried one of the Japanese single malts? They're great.
Although for my money, got to go Scottish if you want a good peaty single malt.
Absolutely.
- Have you had anything from Islay? - It's my favorite.
It's the first place I go whenever I'm in Scotland.
In Scotland.
Of course.
- Ever been? - No, but it's on my list.
You'll have to tell me where to go.
NARRATOR: Hey, good news I think she likes Rafael.
I want to travel, too.
I have a long list of places I want to visit.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.
Less into the bulldozer.
Okay.
Well, I'm glad we got to know her.
- You were right, she's fine.
- Yeah.
I mean, she clearly didn't like me.
That's not true.
- Yeah, so I didn't like other Jane.
- RAFAEL: Fine.
Maybe she wasn't giving you the warmest vibe.
Right? And I was really trying.
She just tries too hard.
She talked about the most random things.
I mean, what was I supposed to talk about, anyway? Every single thing was off-limits.
And she didn't ask me one question about myself.
RAMOS: She asked so many questions.
I felt like I was on the witness stand.
I was just trying to get to know her.
Just let it go.
Petra's new girlfriend doesn't have to like you.
PETRA: Wow.
I've never seen anyone not like Jane before.
It's honestly a turn-on.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I was underwhelmed.
Well, now you see why I had to call you J.
R.
I mean, we should call her JV.
(LAUGHING) Oh, that's perfect.
Oh, Jane is so JV.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHING): I know.
She's so basic.
NARRATOR: Okay, now you're just being mean.
Let's go somewhere nicer.
And it doesn't matter if she doesn't like you, because I love you.
(GASPS) Aw.
Well, we blew past a pretty big moment earlier.
And, uh, it was a little anticlimactic.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'll say.
In fact, I did.
So I just wanted to take a minute, slow down and commemorate this "I love you" milestone.
By which, I mean have sex.
(GIGGLES) Count me in.
Mmm.
(BOTH SIGH) NARRATOR: In contrast, that was very climactic.
And inspiring.
After all, Jane is a romance writer.
I'm gonna do some writing.
Now? What can I say? You're my muse.
And I'm gonna strike while the inspiration's hot.
(GIGGLES) You were up pretty late.
Looks like somebody got her writing mojo back.
Yep.
(GRUNTS) Okay.
I got to go.
- Your drawer's overflowing.
- I know I was resistant to it at first, but it's really come in handy.
Ah.
Well, then, maybe while you're gone, I'll clear out a couple more for you.
Maybe even a shelf.
Don't go too crazy.
(GRUNTS) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh, this must be what Jane wrote after their sexy time last night.
Aw, thanks for these.
Yes.
So nice of you to come, Darci, but, uh, Xo was about to take a nap.
I understand.
I have to go back to hunting for a nanny, anyway.
- Oh, you guys talked.
I'm glad.
- Yes.
I totally understand.
Given that (STAMMERS): An-An-And, and these flowers Oh, my God, they're gorgeous, Darci.
Truly.
Thank you.
And we're walking.
I told Ro you guys would need time to find someone before the show starts.
What show? Rogelio didn't mention anything about a new show.
He said he couldn't be Baby's nanny because you have cancer.
ROGELLO: Well, i-it was a-a cancer/new show combination, really.
DARCI: Wow.
I knew you were a self-absorbed meat bag.
But using the cancer card? That is a new low, even for you.
And you know who will suffer? Baby.
Because we lost Felicia, the best nanny out there, due to you, and your ego.
PETRA: Ugh.
I just hate bowling, that's why I canceled.
We had a plan.
Raf said he confirmed with you.
He did.
I just don't want to go.
(SCOFFS) It's gross.
The dirty shoes, the dirty balls.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Petra is so over balls.
Look, I already told Mateo about it, and he's so excited.
Then take him.
I'll do something else with the girls.
- But - Jane! I don't like bowling.
You're not gonna bulldoze me into this.
Is this about J.
R.
? What? No.
You said bulldoze, she said bulldoze.
Is that why you're saying no? Of course not.
She doesn't like me, does she? She likes you fine.
Okay, fine.
She doesn't like you.
It was awkward because there were so many topics off-limits.
Look, don't worry about it.
You're just not her cup of tea.
You should take the afternoon off.
I'm feeling good.
I-I can handle being alone for a while.
Jane can empty my drains, and Ro's bringing lunch by later.
And, honestly, I could use some space.
Ma.
I said I don't need any help.
Why don't you go home for a bit? There is a need! You're smothering me and I need some time without you! Mateo had a meltdown when I told him that the girls aren't coming bowling.
On a scale of one to decapitating his Darth Vader doll? Oh, it was a dark day for the Empire.
Well, he sees the girls all the time.
He'll be fine.
I know, but still.
This is why I want J.
R.
to like me.
She's affecting our family.
And we spent a long time negotiating our parts.
What's wrong? I was clearing out some drawers for you, and I came across the story you wrote last night.
Oh.
I I didn't mean for you to read that.
I didn't plan to.
But you said I inspired you, so I thought maybe it would be about us, but it was - About Michael.
- Yeah.
And look, I hate that it even bothers me this much, but you had just told me that you loved me, and then you got out of bed, and you wrote about him.
It just made me feel like Like what? You were choosing him all over again.
- Oh.
- And I hate even saying that.
Look, that's not what it was.
I sat down to write, and realized yesterday was the anniversary of Michael's death.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
No.
No, no, no, no.
It's okay.
No.
I had no idea.
I should have never even read it.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) Oh.
I Hi, Abuela.
Everything okay? JANE: You kicked Abuela out? Look, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I had to make her leave.
Why? JANE: She failed? She told me that she was doing well on her practice tests.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
You knew how soon the test was? She swore me to secrecy.
She knew that if you knew, you wouldn't let her help you recover.
She's right.
She has to pass that test.
I can't believe you hid this from me.
I shouldn't have.
And you shouldn't have asked me to.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: A family meeting.
Nice idea, Jane.
Classic.
I'm through surgery, Ma.
I'm fine.
I am, I promise.
She is? I have been outside.
Hey, Gary.
Good to see you.
XIOMARA: I saw him looking at me like I was a sick person.
And I don't know.
I-I just can't handle being seen like that.
NARRATOR: Especially when you're used to being the whoop ass.
No, I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner.
Okay, bottom line? No more secrets, much more communication.
We have to work together.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ladies, let's get in formation.
Abuela, I'm going to take charge of test prep.
- Deal.
- Okay.
What about me? Wha-What's my part? Recovering.
(LAUGHS) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so, friends, they played their parts.
How many congressmen are there in the House of Representatives, Abuela? 425? Close.
435.
Who was the president during the Great Depression? - Herbert Hoover.
- JANE: There were two.
Hoover and FDR.
Hoover and FDR.
Hoover, FDR.
Who has the right to veto bills? The president.
Right.
How old do you have to be to vote? - 18.
- Right again.
How many U.
S.
senators are there? - 100.
- Correct.
Is Puerto Rico an American state? No, it is a commonwealth, an unincorporated territory.
NARRATOR: Preach! Maybe don't say that last part at the exam, but that's right.
NARRATOR: It is important to note that while Rogelio thinks he's being recognized for his celebrity, the truth is, no one likes a grown man alone at a playground.
Felicia? My name is Rogelio de la Vega.
You interviewed to be a nanny with Oh.
I have employment with a lovely family.
I'd be willing to up the ante.
Shh! Look straight ahead.
Take out your phone, pretend to talk.
Is this a poaching situation? Yes, it is.
NARRATOR: Ooh.
Play date with a dash of espionage.
- I'm leaning in.
- How did you find me? Deep dive on Instagram.
I'll match whatever your current employer is paying you.
- Stop talking.
- All right, I'll double it.
You drive a hard bargain, Felicia.
MAN: Felicia? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Mario Lopez! What's he doing here? Mario Lopez, you have my sincerest apologies.
I have the utmost respect for your entire body of work as an actor, as a host, and, well, your actual body, which is truly a work of art.
- NARRATOR:You're tellin' me.
- You were poaching.
Everyone knows there's no poaching on the playground.
I saw on Instagram you love babies.
Mine is six months old.
His kids are practically in college.
They're four and six years old, and Felicia's already bonded with them.
Gia! Nico! Come here.
We're about to take her on a family vacation with us to the Bahamas.
I'll give you a week in my Mazatlán time-share.
You can stay in my guest house for three months.
I will lease you a car, fully loaded.
Quick.
Tell Felicia you love her.
I love you, Felicia.
I love you, Felicia.
I love you, Felicia.
See? Look at those faces.
(GASPS) You can have a three-episode arc in my new series starring River Fields.
I'm sorry.
You know acting is my dream.
Bye, Felicia.
Later, Slater.
When can you start? ALBA: 1920.
That is the year women got the right to vote.
Work it, Abuela! Oh! That's ten out of ten.
You're gonna kill this test.
Okay, I'll meet you at Mom's house after work.
Oh.
(GASPS) Thanks for holding the door.
So, how are you? Fine.
You know, I saw that you were reading What Happened in the Alley the other day.
- How? - Sorry? - How did you see? - I noticed it in your bag.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, that's a little stalkerish.
It was sticking out.
Uh, anyway, I love that book.
Not a fan.
I have a client who's accusing the author of slander.
Oh.
That's too bad.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: How long is this ride? Is she really not at her floor yet? So, listen, I don't know if we got off on the wrong foot.
(SIGHS) No, it's cool.
I don't have a problem with you.
Right.
But beyond not having a problem with me, I'd love us to get along.
- How come? - How come? Because you're really important to Petra.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) NARRATOR: Oh, thank God! Anyway, I tried.
You cornered J.
R.
in an elevator and said she's really important to me? - I didn't say that exactly.
- NARRATOR: Actually verbatim.
Jane! I'm sorry, but it's true, and I just wanted to connect with her.
Just get over it! Everyone's not going to love you.
- That is not what this is about.
- Then what is it about? - You, okay?! - It's about you, because I love you.
And I just feel like J.
R.
is poisoning the well against me, and I don't want anything to come in the way of our family, because we've worked too hard, and like I said, I love you.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate your explanation.
- You have to say it back.
- I don't want to.
Petra.
Can I say it in Czech? - No.
I want it in English right now.
- Fine! I love you, too.
(CLICKS TONGUE) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Aw.
Just don't cry in front of J.
R.
Ever.
(SIGHS) Wow.
She got a way bigger "I love you" than me.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have said what I said about you choosing Michael.
But if you feel that way, we should talk about it.
I guess I'm still insecure about it.
I can't help but wonder if I'm a second choice, which is impossible to answer, I know.
Yeah, it is.
I don't know if this helps or not, but this is the first year that I forgot about the anniversary of Michael's death, and that's because of you.
(LAUGHS): Oh.
Hmm.
NARRATOR: And with Xo and Jane's words ringing in her ears, Alba decided to go for it.
I know.
Not quite the telenovela ending Alba was hoping for.
CHIVALROUS MUSIC And cut! ROGELLO: That was great! For you, no? (CHUCKLES) Almost believable.
Where's Darci? I have wonderful news.
I have secured Felicia's services as a nanny.
But we put a great nanny on hold a few weeks ago when we heard your show was getting made.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait, Darci never mentioned that.
You knew about my show? Yeah.
But you pulled the cancer card.
- Because you were - I went to great lengths to poach - Felicia in a war with Mario Lopez! - too much of a coward to tell the truth! - That bridge cannot be unburned! - I wanted you to sit in your mess - I will never be a guest on Extra! - for a while! Stop! Enough.
You used your wife's cancer to avoid telling Darci the truth about not being able to watch Baby? And you made him feel like there was a crisis only you could fix just to teach him a lesson? NARRATOR: Thanks for that.
Even I was getting confused.
You are both wrong.
Mush, whose side are you on? (BABY CRYING) I'm on Baby's side.
JANE: What's wrong? - Abuela.
- Ma, I'm so sorry.
(SIGHS) You just will.
Abuela, come on.
I'm gonna give you the same speech you've always given us: don't throw away your future over some boy.
XIOMARA: Agreed.
- Now, help me up.
- Whoa.
What? I'm coming.
You need to be in a good mood to take that test.
And seeing me out of the house is gonna put you in a good mood, right? Mm.
All right? So let's go.
NARRATOR: Which brings us here - JANE: I can't believe that traffic.
- XO: Go, go! Run! Uh (EXCLAIMS) What do you mean? Please? Doors are closed.
She's two minutes late.
(SIGHS) Sir.
Please.
Please.
My grandma's worked so hard for this.
It means everything to her.
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry? NARRATOR: Phew.
We could really use our whoop ass.
My mom is late because of me.
The reason doesn't matter.
Oh, yeah, it does.
Because I have cancer.
No, no, do not look away.
I have tubes coming out of me and pus dripping in these bags and it hurts like hell! But I came here to see my mom take this damn test, because being a citizen of this country is important to her! So I am gonna need you to let her take that freaking test.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, if there was ever a moment to play the cancer card, this was it.
(GASPS) Go, go.
Oh, Mom.
(PANTING) Thank you.
Who was the U.
S.
president during World War I? Woodrow Wilson.
What year was the Constitution written? How many voting members are in the House of Representatives? Who rode with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware? NARRATOR: Wait, that wasn't one of the practice questions.
I don't know.
I don't know either.
I just had to see if I could stump you.
(SCREAMS) (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Esteban is watching Baby.
He said he'll stay with her for as long as it takes for us to have a mature conversation.
Xo said the same thing.
So what's the mature explanation for your incredibly immature lie? Sorry.
Let me revise that.
Please tell me your point of view on this situation.
As you may recall, there was a bit of pomp and circumstance around my decision to be a stay-at-home dad.
I'll be happy to be Baby's nanny on Darci's days.
No way, Rogelio.
You'll do it for a few days and then get bored and flake out.
I won't flake.
I'm 100% committed.
I couldn't bring myself to admit that you were right.
That I got bored.
Especially since you love spending your free time with Baby.
And you do the hard part.
All the nursing I stopped breastfeeding.
But you've been bringing breast milk to our house every week.
It's formula.
(GASPS) I just got so tired of pumping.
And I didn't want to admit any weakness to you because I thought you'd use it against me.
I probably would have.
Well, I've been using your weaknesses against you, so that makes sense.
Okay, no more weaponizing weakness.
Agreed.
And to prove that I mean that, I'm going to tell some other weaknesses.
(CLEARS THROAT) I very occasionally get (WHISPERS): Botox.
I know.
And it looks like you're probably due for some touch-up fillers, too.
(GASPS) Okay, my turn.
(CHUCKLES) I think the real reason I hide things from you is because deep down, I want you to like me.
Deep down, I want you to like me, too.
Well, deep down, I do like you.
And deep deep deep down, I like you, too.
And not so deep down, Jane likes me a lot.
She loves me, even.
Anyway, so that's why she came on so strong.
And I'm really sorry she freaked you out.
You know what freaked me out? That she knew how you felt about me and I didn't.
I didn't want to scare you away.
I get scared when you're not straightforward.
Well, it's hard.
Well, you already seem to have one foot out.
I mean, you didn't want to get to know my kids.
Because I don't like kids.
So I wanted to know we were serious before getting into all that.
Well, just so you know, I don't like kids either.
(CHUCKLES) No, but mine aren't normal kids.
They're like miniature adults.
Then I'd love to officially meet them.
When we're serious.
Okay.
Fine.
I want to be serious with you.
I knew you'd say it first.
(LAUGHS) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of getting serious It's for you.
I realized three drawers aren't enough.
What you really need is a desk so you can write about whatever it is you need to write about.
Which I promise I won't read.
Oh, I don't know.
Don't you think it makes it look a little cramped in here? So, maybe we should get a bigger place.
Together.
Really? Really.
I think it's time I move in with the man I love.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
That's the sweeping romantic climax I was looking for.
They're taking the next step! And so are they.
Dinner with the girls.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) It's the D.
A.
's office.
This must be the official call that they've dropped the charges.
Hello? I see.
Well, let me discuss this with my client.
They have a new eyewitness claiming to have been in the room the night of Anezka's death.
What? That's absurd.
Who? I saw the whole thing.
NARRATOR: Ah, yes, the one-eyed eyewitness.
And it was not self-defense.
Petra killed Anezka in cold blood.
NARRATOR: Well, that's a different kind of climax.