Jeeves and Wooster s01e01 Episode Script
Jeeves' Arrival
This is one of the most shameful cases ever to come before this bench.
In all my years as a magistrate, I have seldom heard a tale of such heinous iniquity.
Be quiet! This parasite can think of no better way to end an evenings hooliganism on night of the University boat race! Can our seats of learning produce barbarians so lost to decency that their highest ambition is to steal a hard working police constables helmet and make off with it? I find you guilty as charged, Bertram Wilberforce Wooster, and have no alternative but to fine you the sum of five pounds.
No buts,, Wooster.
No if's.
.
Take him away.
Away, I say! We're here gov.
Three bob.
Good morning, Mr Wooster.
Thank you.
I was sent by the agency, sir.
I was given to understand that you required a valet.
Very good, sir.
A late night last night, sir? If you would drink this, sir.
It is a little preparation of my own invention.
Gentlemen have told me they find it extremely invigorating after a late evening.
I say! I say! - You are engaged! - Thank you, sir.
My name is Jeeves.
I say! Jeeves, what an extraordinary talent! Thank you, sir.
Could one inquire? - I'm sorry, sir.
- No, no, of course not.
I am not at liberty to divulge the ingredients, sir.
No, no, no, of course.
Secrets of the guild and all that.
Precisely, sir.
# "Forty-seven ginger-headed sailors # # coming home across the briney sea.
" # I say! - I say hallo! - Hallo! I want to get in.
You'll have to come this way, I'm afraid.
We can't shift him.
I was thinking of having a snifter before lunch.
Sound idea.
- Anyone in the bar? - Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps.
- Is he? Oofy Simpson and Freddie Chalk-Marshall.
- Really? - Two Wooster twins, of course.
What, Eustace and Claude? - You know them? - They're my cousins.
- You must be Bertie Wooster.
- I am! - I am Rainsby! - How do you do! You'd better come in.
Well.
Novel lad! It's not right Mr Wooster, I'm the one the Committee is going to blame for this, you know.
They can't abide mooses, the Committee can't.
I'd think it out as a certain what's it.
Come on, Rogers, do give me a hand.
Here we go! Hallo, Bertie! Bertie! Cousin Bertie! Did you meet young dog-face on your way in? I met someone called Rainsby in the hall with a moose.
- Elk.
- Sorry.
It's a common enough mistake.
It was a mistake pinching it.
Where did you steal from? There's some big museum place.
In Kensington.
I don't think I've ever been to Kensington.
Hello, Barmey! Yes, you have.
Your mother lives there.
That Kensington.
So, what do you want it for? - It's for The Seekers.
- What are The Seekers? It's a club in Oxford.
Eustace and I are rather keen to get in.
Rainsby too, but you have to pinch something to get elected.
Touching that lunch you very decently were going to volunteer to stand us Can't be done I'm afraid.
Got to have lunch with our aunt Agatha.
Not the nephew crusher? Bertie? Aunt Agatha? Young men like you make a person with the future of the race at heart dispair.
Right.
Cursed with too much money, you waste your time on frivolous pleasures.
You are simply an antisocial animal.
A drone.
Bertie, you must marry.
I say! Really! Aunt Agatha! Will you be quiet! There, Mackintosh.
You want someone strong, self-reliant and sensible No I don't.
to counteract the defficiencies of your own character.
And by great good fortune, I have found the very girl.
Who is it? Sir Roderick Glossop's daughter.
Honoria.
- No! - Don't be silly, Bertie! Sit down and eat your luncheon! She's just the wife for you.
- Really, look here - She will mould you.
I don't want to be moulded.
I'm not a jelly.
That is a matter of opinion.
Lady Glossop's very kindly invited you to Ditteridge Hall for a few days.
I told her you would be delighted to come down this afternoon.
What a pity! I'm so sorry.
I got a dashed important engagement this afternoon.
Nonsense! You will go to Ditteridge Hall this afternoon.
Right.
Jeeves, we shall be going out to Ditteridge this afternoon, can you manage that? Certainly, sir.
Will we be travelling by train, sir? By train, yes.
People by the name of Glossop.
Would that be Sir Roderick Glossop, the noted nerve specialist, sir? - That's the one.
- Very good, sir.
Which suit would you wear, sir? This one, I should think.
- Very good, sir.
- Don't you like this suit, Jeeves? Yes, sir.
What don't you like about this suit, Jeeves? It's a very nice suit, sir.
What's wrong with it? Come on, out with it! Well, sir, if I might make the suggestion, if we are to travel by train, perhaps a simple brown Harris Tweed, such as this, might be more appropriate.
- That's absolute rot, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
Perfectly blithering, my dear man.
- Just as you say, sir.
- Alright then.
Yes, sir.
Jeeves? I have to make one thing crystal clear.
Yes, sir? I am not one of those fellows who become absolute slaves to their valets.
No, sir.
Just as long as we understand each other.
Perfectly, sir.
I say! Steady on! - Is that Bingo Little? - Me? Yes.
- That's not Bertie Wooster? - It is! I haven't seen you for ages, Bingo.
- I've been living in the country.
- Really? Whereabouts in the country? - Why, here, as a matter of fact.
- Why? You hate the country.
Yes, I know, I got a job tutoring the Glossop kid.
What do you want to tutor the Glossop kid for? - Money, Bertie.
Moola, oof, spondulics.
- Well, yes.
Yes, the only one in the family I know is the girl, Honoria.
- Bertie! - What? I worship her.
I worship the very ground she treads on.
- A tender goddess! - Big girl? Sporty? Strong, upright and wonderful.
Well, yes, it's a matter of Wait a minute! Have you told her? Not yet.
I haven't got the nerve.
But we walk together in the gardens most evenings, and there sometimes seems to me there's a look in her eye.
Yes, I know that look.
Like a sergeant-major.
- Is that the kid? - He's fishing.
I'll introduce you.
This is Oswald.
Bertie Wooster.
- Well, well, Oswald, how are you? - Alright.
- Nice place this? - It's alright.
- Like fishing, do you? - It's alright.
- Why don't you shove him in? - In the water? That'll wake him up a bit.
She'll never forgive me.
She's devoted to the little brute.
Great Scott! I got it! Listen, Bingo.
Honoria is away, isn't she? She's coming back tomorrow.
She's coming, my love, my own! Yes, fine, absolutely, but you still want to make a hit with her, don't you, Bingo? - Yes.
- Bless you, my child.
You can do it.
- How, Bertie, how? - It's very simple.
It's all in the wrist action, you see? You got to get the flip forward first to disengage the chin strap.
That's where Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps went wrong on New Year's Eve.
Is that a person? Barmy? There's some dispute about that.
He pulled straight back on the helmet and the policeman came with it.
- But he must have been hurt! - Barmy? No, just a couple of bruises.
I think my wife was referring to the policeman.
No, no, no, no.
Not a bit.
No, they enjoy it, like foxes.
- Foxes? - How the enjoy being hunted.
Yes.
But foxes are vermin, Mr Wooster.
Nasty, cunning creatures, like cats.
- Lady Glossop and I dislike cats.
- We hate them.
Nasty, cruel beasts.
Now, let me try and understand to this, Mr Wooster, policemen, you say, enjoy having their helmets stolen? I think they try and enter into the spirit of the thing, don't you think Bingo? Yes, yes, yes.
- But what is the point of it? - Point? It's tradition really.
It's part of the rich tapestry of our island's story, it's Completely stupid.
You mustn't be rude, Oswald.
No, no, no, that's alright.
He's young, he'll learn.
What sort of a day is it, Jeeves? Extremely clement, sir, with the promise of further fine weather to come.
Excellent! Just the sort of day for pushing cheeky young blighters off bridges, I should think.
I couldn't say, sir.
Shall I lay out our gray flannel trousers and the checked sports coat this morning? Yes, yes.
I expect you are wondering what I meant by that last remark, Jeeves? I should be most interested to know, sir.
You are right, well, I had rather a stunning idea, Jeeves.
Indeed, sir? My friend Bingo Little is more than a bit smitten with the daughter of the house.
- Miss Honoria Glossop, sir? - As you say, Jeeves, Miss Honoria Glossop.
How do you know about Honoria Glossop? There was some discussion in the servants' hall last evening, sir.
I'm given to understand she's a healthy young lady, sir.
Yes, well, that's a very good way of putting it, Jeeves.
Thank you, sir.
And Mr Little is enamoured of her, sir? Indeed he is.
The trouble is the poor sap can't bring himself to pop the question.
- A common enough predicament, sir.
- Possibly, Jeeves, possibly.
Your employer, fired, I must confess, by the fact that my aunt Agatha has me earmarked for Honoria, unless I can lay her off on to someone else, has come up with a novel and full-proved solution to the problem.
- This is very gratifying news, sir.
- We thought so, Bingo and I.
Yes.
What it is is this.
Miss Glossop's young brother Oswald is the apple of his sister's eye.
- Human nature is very mysterious, sir.
- My thoughts precisely, Jeeves.
My plan is to lure Honoria to the vicinity of the bridge and then surreptitiously push the little blighter into the lake.
Mr Little will thereupon hop out from behind the bulrushes where he's been waiting, rescue Oswald and have proffessions of undying love showered upon him by grateful sister.
What's the matter, Jeeves? I couldn't advise it, sir.
Couldn't advise it? What do you mean you couldn't advise it? It's just my opinion, sir, but your plan has too many imponderables.
No, only Oswald is going to be imponderable.
Im - pond - erable.
Thank you, sir.
Yes.
If I might say so, sir, any undertaking that requires the presence of four people in one place at the same time, while two of them are unaware of the fact, is fraught with the possibility of mishap, sir.
Bolderdash, Jeeves.
Not to say flat doodle.
Very good, sir.
No, I'm sorry, Jeeves, but when you've been a little longer in my employ you'll come to understand that all my chums rely heavily on your employer's wisdom and knowledge of human nature in the conduct of their affairs.
Just as you say, sir.
Not to mention, my organizational powers and just plain thingness.
- Will that be all, sir? - Yes, that'll be all.
Just - That'll be all, thank you, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
Good morning, Mr Wooster.
- Good morning, Lady Glossop.
- Do sit down.
I was looking for Oswald.
Oswald? He must be getting ready to go fishing, I should think.
- At least I hope so.
- You hope so? Yes, fishing is a good healthy pursuit for a young lad.
Character building too, battleing against the mighty forces of mother nature.
Oofy Prosser once asked Boko Fittleworth down to his place for some fly-fishing.
Poor old Boko couldn't fathom why anyone would want to catch flies.
Still, that's Boko for you.
Do you always breakfast at this hour, Mr Wooster? Good Lord, no! No.
Only if I get up early.
Sir Roderick was on his way to London at eight o'clock.
Really? He had an urgent call from the Bishop of Hackney.
The old Bish got a few pages stuck together, did he? My husband is not in the book trade, Mr Wooster.
He is a well known nerve specialist.
Yes, that's what I said.
A dashed interesting work it must be too.
- Do you work, Mr Wooster? - Work as in honest toil, you mean? Yes.
Hewing the wood and drawing the old wet stuff and so forth? Quite.
Well, I've known a few people who worked, absolutely swayed by it some of them.
- But - Boko Fittleworth almost had a job once.
Who is this Boko Fittleworth you keep talking about? - Boko? You don't know Boko? - No.
Good Lord! I thought everybody knew Boko.
I do not.
- Looks like a parrot with a molt.
- No.
Once put his shirt on Silly Billy to win the Cesarewitch and Lady in Spain beat him by a nose.
I have never met Boko Fittleworth.
No, well, I couldn't recommend it wholeheartedly anyway.
He is an acquired taste, Boko.
At least thats what his mother says.
You were telling me how he once got a job Yes, well, Bokos got an uncle in the City, brokers, stocks or something like that.
And he offered Boko this job and Boko accepted it.
I don't think either of them could've been firing on all cylinders, to be honest, at the time.
Chaos obviously ensued, until Boko saw sense and gave it all up.
Then we had to take in turns to get round and sit with him until it calmed down.
How would you ever support a wife, Mr Wooster? Well, it depends on whose wife it was.
I'd say, a gentle pressure beneath the left elbow when crossing a busy street normally fills the bill.
- Bertie! - Bingo! - She telephoned! - She phoned you, eh? That's good, isn't it? Shows a friendly spirit.
Well, she didn't phone me exactly.
But I picked up a phone when I was standing beside it.
What did she say? She said me: Let me talk to someone with a brain.
.
But it was friendly the way she said it.
Go and start your Latin! Did she say what time she'd be back? - In about an hour, she said.
- And when was that? About an hour ago.
She's bringing a friend, Daphne Braithwaite or something.
- Very well then, twelve o'clock.
- What? - Twelve o'clock, the bridge, Oswald! - Oh, right, yes.
- We're still on to that then, aren't we? - Why, absolutely.
You still want to bring Honoria to her knees, don't you? Bertie, she's such a wonderful person, she has Yes, fine.
So, twelve o'clock, you'll be hidden in the bulrushes by the bridge.
- Bertie, you really think she - Ill see you later.
Leave the bags.
Beckett will get them.
Beckett! Come inside.
I want to show you some of the things I shot last week.
Hello, Honoria.
Is that Bertie Wooster? What is he doing here? What are you doing here, Bertie? You know, this and that, hither and yon.
- This is my friend, Daphne Braithwaite.
- How do you do? - Bertie's a wastrel.
- Goody! At least that's what his aunt Agatha says.
Come on, Daphne.
- See you later, Bertie.
- Will I? Yes, see you later, Daphne.
- I say! Honoria? - What? - Would you come for a walk with me? - What? You know A walk.
Becket, the bags.
- What for? - I want to tell you something.
- Really? Now? - No, no.
In about half an hour.
- Right.
- No, no, that's when, that's when - In about 20 minutes by the bridge.
- Why in 20 minutes? It'll be better then.
Hello, mommy, I'm back.
Did you have a nice time at the Braithwaits' dear? Lovely, yes.
I brought Daphne back with me.
Close the door a moment, Honoria.
Come and sit down.
- I had been talking to Mr Wooster.
- Yes, I saw him.
What's he doing here? - Mrs Gregson sent him.
- What on earth for? He doesn't shoot, he doesn't hunt.
- It is your birthday next week, Honoria.
- She didn't send him down as a present? - You will be 24.
- Oh, no It is a good family, Honoria.
Honestly, mommy, he doesn't work even! He told me this morning he has been thinking about work.
He is not all your father and I hoped for for you, I agree, but Surely, you could make something of him.
- Is he keen at all? - I'm sure he is.
You know how these young men try to hide their feelings.
Keep still, you ass.
She'll see you.
Don't sniff.
Right, here she comes.
Well? - I was just thinking.
- What? This may sound a bit rummy, and all that.
But there is someone here who is frightfully in love with you.
And so forth.
- A friend of mine, as a matter of fact.
- Well, why doesn't he say so? Somebody hasn't got the nerve.
Worships the ground you tread on, and all that.
But just can't whack up the ginger to tell you.
- This is very interesting.
- Is it? Anyway, that's the posish.
- And so just bear it in mind eh? - Oh, Bertie, how funny you are! I wish you wouldn't make all that row! You're scaring the fish away.
Oswald, you shouldnt sit on the bridge like that.
- He might easily fall in.
- Might he? Well, I'll go and tell him.
Hello.
Fishing? Watch out! Oswald! Help! Help him! - Help! - What are you doing?! Help! Oswald! Oswald! Yes Oswald! - Oswald, are you all right? - He pushed me.
He's mad! Run along and change your clothes! Honoria Bertie, you are funny! First proposing to me in that extraordinary roundabout way and then pushing poor little Oswald into the lake, so as to impress me by saving him! - No, no, no, no! - Now you run straight up to the house, and change your wet clothes before you catch a death of cold.
Go on! Bertie! Bertie! Just the man I wanted to see.
Bertie, a wonderful thing has happened! You blighter! What became of you? Do you realize Your clothes are all wet.
Bertie, I was just on my way to hide in those rushes, when the most extraordinary thing happened.
Walking across the lawn I saw the most radiant, the most beautiful girl in the world.
We started to talk.
Her name is Daphne Braithwaite, Bertie.
Our eyes met and I knew at once that what I imagined to be my love for Honoria Glossop was a mere passing whim.
Daphne is so wonderful, Bertie, like a tender goddess.
And she is so sympathetic, Bertie.
Daphne! Her handicap is only six.
Its funny how these things turn out, dont you think, Jeeves? Indeed, sir.
Before we get Bingo under starters' orders even, there he is, falling in love with this blessed six-handicapper.
At least it means hes been saved from the frightful Honoria.
True, sir, but if I might say so, sir, at a cost to yourself, which might have caused other lesser men to blench.
Oh, come, Jeeves.
Slight dousing is no more than a chap might do for any chap under the circs.
It was not the dousing, to which I was referring, sir, but to the engagement.
Engagement? I was downstairs a few minutes ago, sir, and couldnt help but overhear miss Glossop announcing your engagement to her.
- Is it getting chilly in here, Jeeves? - No, sir.
It must be my imagination.
Bertie was so sweet, Mrs.
Gregson, and so funny! I find it difficult to envisage.
I shall be able to make something of him, I am sure.
He's led a completely wasted life up to the present.
- I say! - Be quiet, Bertie! - But theres a lot of good in him.
- No, there isn't, actually! It simply wants bringing out.
Its time I took you in hand, Bertie-Worty.
You want someone to look after you.
- No, I don't! Really, I don't! - Yes, you do.
- Bye-bye, Bertie! Good-bye, Mrs.
Gregson.
- Good-bye! - Bertie! - Yes, Aunt Agatha? Dear Honoria doesn't know it, but a little difficulty has arisen about your marriage.
By Jove! Really? It's nothing at all, of course, it's only a little exasperating.
The fact is the Glossops are being a little troublesome.
Sir Roderick particularly so.
Thinks, I am not a good bet, eh? Wants to scratch the fixture? Well, its a shame.
Perhaps hes right.
Pray dont be so absurd, Bertie, it is nothing as serious as that.
Bertie, a nerve specialist with his extensive practice can hardly help taking a rather warped view of humanity.
Do you mean he thinks Ive got fewer marbles than advertised? No, no, no.
Well He just wants to satisfy himself that you are completely normal.
Well, of all the blessed nerve! I mean Im not a chap to take offence So I have said that you will give them dinner this evening.
- If he thinks I am a raving loony.
- Don't be silly, Bertie.
And remember, the Glossops drink no wine.
Yes, Aunt Agatha, I remember.
And remember, Sir Roderick need only the simpliest of foods owing to an impaired digestion.
Yes, I should think a dog-biscuit and a glass of water would about meet the case.
Bertie! That's precisely the sort of idiotic remark, that would be calculated to arouse Sir Roderick's strongest suspicions.
He is a very serious-minded man.
The Duke of Ramfurline's house, Bernard.
Well done, Claude! My hat! You're not Bertie! He's better looking than Bertie.
It's very kind of you to say so, sir.
- We are his cousins.
I'm Claude Wooster.
- I am Eustace Wooster.
I am not his cousin.
I am Rainsby.
I'm delighted to meet you, Lord Rainsby.
Won't you come in, please? - What's your name? - Jeeves, sir.
I'm Mr Wooster's new valet.
The last one used to pinch his socks.
Mr Wooster is not in at the moment, sir, but I'm sure he would like me to offer you some refreshment.
Thats jolly decent of him, Jeeves.
He has some Bollinger'27 which is particularly fine.
It'd be a shame to let it go off.
- Jeeves.
- Yes, sir? We've got some things down in a taxi which we want to take back to Oxford tonight.
But the last train is not till ten-ten.
- I say! Are we invited to dinner? - I regret not, sir.
We were going to ask cousin Bertie if we could leave some things here until the train.
I am sorry, sir.
I should have to ask Mr Wooster's permission first.
What manner of things might they be, sir? - A top-hat.
- A fish.
And a couple of cats, of course.
Cats, sir? Perhaps, Mr Wooster would not object.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Dog-Face, go and get the stuff and bring it up.
Right.
Where is Bertie anyway? He had an important meeting with Mr Fotheringay-Phipps, sir.
- Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps? - I believe that is the sobriquet, sir, yes.
Has the IQ of a backward clam? It's my understanding that amongst fellow-members of The Drones club he is considered something of a dangerous intellectual, sir.
That's the one.
Mr Wooster informed me that he is attending the weekly meeting of The Drones club Fine Arts Committee.
No.
Seven.
Four.
- What's a king count as? - Ten.
- What's a ten count as then? - Ten.
Tens and all picture cards count as ten.
How long have you been playing this game, Barmy? - About an hour and a quarter.
- That's a leaner, leaners only count half.
- Good shot, Bertie.
- My game, I think.
- Youve not scored a hundred yet.
- Five hundred.
- I thought we were playing to a hundred.
- Lets have another drink at the bar.
Cant be done, Im afraid, Boko.
Got people coming down to dinner.
- Toodle-pip.
- Toodle-o.
What do sevens count as? # «This is the story about Minnie the Moocher.
» # # She was a low-down hoochie coocher.
# # She was the roughest toughest frail.
# # But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
# # Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
# # Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
# # Rah dee rah dee rah.
# # Rah dee rah dee rah.
# # Tee dee hee dee hee.
# # Tee dee hee dee hee.
# # But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
" # You know, I can't help feeling, Jeeves, that I could do better justice to this song if I understood what the words meant.
Oh, I doubt that, sir.
I mean all this Hoo dee hoo dee hoo stuff is pretty clear.
What do you suppose a hoochie coocher is exactly? It is difficult to say, sir.
Unless its in connection with one of the demotic American words for ardent spirits.
Lm thinking of hooch,, a word of Eskimo origin, I'm informed.
Tut.
You bally well are informed, Jeeves! Do you know everything? I really dont know, sir.
# "She had a dream about the King of Sweden.
# # He gave her things that she was needin'.
" # - Now you see that is clever, Jeeves.
- Really, sir? That line about the king of Sweden and tthings she was needin.
Yes, his Majesty king Gustav does seem to have been extraordinarily generous to the young lady, sir.
No I mean the fact that it rhymes.
You see? "Sweden needin".
Almost, sir.
# "He gave her a home built of gold and steel.
# # A platinum car with diamond-studded wheels.
# # Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
# # Hoo " # Jeeves, could you lend a hand here, you think? Very good, sir.
Its just a little bit difficult, you know, being just the one of me.
Its the sort of call and response thing.
I sing hoo dee hoo dee hoo,, and you have to go hoo dee hoo dee hoo back, you understand? - I think so, sir.
- Right, let's try it.
- # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
" # - # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo" # sir.
- # "Rah dee rah dee rah.
" # - # "Rah dee rah dee rah" # sir.
- # "Tee dee hee dee hee.
" # - # "Tee dee hee dee hee" # sir.
I don't mean to be overly critical, Jeeves.
I mean, I know youre doing your best.
Thank you, sir.
I just think that perhaps we could dispense with the sir at the end of every line.
It shows the proper feudal spirit and all that but Im afraid it does not play merry hell with the rythm of the thing.
- Very good, sir.
- All right.
- # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
" # - # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
" # - # "Tee dee hee dee hee.
" # - # "Tee dee hee dee hee.
" # # "But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
" # - Well now, Jeeves, do you think I ought to sing Minnie the Moocher to the Glossops this evening? I should not think it advisable, sir.
Lve not heard that Sir Roderick is musical.
No.
But Lady Glossop is.
There is also that to be considered, sir.
Well now what are you giving us for dinner tonight? Consommé, sir.
A cutlet and a savory.
And some lemon squash iced.
Well.
I dont see how that can harm them.
Dont get carried away with the excitement of the thing and start bringing in coffee.
Very good, sir.
Right.
Stand by Jeeves.
Thinks Im barmy, does he? - Well show him, eh, Jeeves? - Indubitably, sir.
Just dont let your eyes go glassy or youll find yourself in a padded cell before you know where you are.
- What ho! What ho! What ho! - Good evening, Mr Wooster.
- Good evening, Jeeves.
- Good evening, Lady Glossop.
We are a little late, Sir Roderick was detained at the Duke of Ramfurline's.
Ramfurline? Yes.
Hes off his rocker, isnt he? Theres nothing seriously wrong with His Grace.
It's merely unfortunate that his footman failed to give him his sugar this morning.
- Sugar? - He likes a lump of sugar first thing.
His Grace is under the impression that he is a canary.
A mistake anyone might make.
And as he didnt get his sugar, he flew into a temper and tried to perch on the picture rail.
Well, its not unreasonable.
I rather feel like doing that when I dont get my tea.
Right.
So we should be going for it then.
Very good.
Now, if I sit in the middle, Lady Glossop, would you like to sit on my right? And Sir Roderick on my left.
Is that right? No, wait a minute.
Perhaps Lady Glossop ought to sit in the middle.
She's the only lady.
And we can sit either side.
Should we try that? Lady Glossop in the middle, Sir Roderick on the other side and I'll sit here.
No, wait a minute, that's not right, is it? Sir Roderick ought to sit in the middle.
He's the only knight.
Distinguished gent and all that.
Sir Roderick in the middle.
That's alright.
We're getting there.
We're getting there.
Sir Roderick here.
If I can just squeeze past.
No, hold on, hold on.
Can't have husband and wife sitting together.
No, that's right, I'll sit in the middle.
Sir Roderick on that side and Lady Glossop on this side, if you don't mind.
There we go.
Hold on, we're back where we started now.
- Mr Wooster! - Hello? Let us sit down! Right, yes, good idea, yes.
Lm worn out.
- Lemon squash, anyone? - No, thank you.
- No? Sir Roderick? - Thank you.
I say, Jeeves.
That soup doesnt look at all bad, does it? Thank you, sir.
Sir Roderick, this Ramfurline fellow, does he get dressed up in yellow feathers and all that? - Well - I would if I thought I was a canary.
"Pretty-polly".
But seriously, Im jolly interested in people who get the jimjams because, well, some of my best friends - Do you keep a cat, Mr Wooster? - A cat? No.
I had a distinct impression I heard a cat mewing either in this room or very close at hand.
No.
That was probably a taxi or something in the street.
A taxi, Mr Wooster? - Yes, taxies squawk a bit, dont they? - Squawk? Yes, well, like cats in a way.
Lady Glossop and I have a particular horror of cats.
There you go then.
I dont much like taxies.
My husband had an unfortunate experience with a taxi only this afternoon.
Indeed I did.
I was about to be driven to the Duke of Ramfurline's house Or cage as I expect he likes to call it.
I was sitting innocently in my car, when my hat was snatched from my head.
As I looked back, I perceived it being waved in a kind of feverish triumph from the interior of a taxi-cab.
What an extraordinary thing! Must be some sort of practical joke, I suppose.
I confess I fail to detect anything akin to comedy in the outrage.
The action was without question that of a mentally unbalanced subject.
Mr Wooster! What is the meaning of this? There is a cat close at hand.
It is not in the street.
Look I have not got a cat, I tell you.
Alright, we'll get Jeeves in here.
There! I cant bear it.
I simply cant bear it.
- No look, it must be Jeeves.
- Jeeves?! You called, sir? Were you making a noise like a cat? No, sir.
Will that be all, sir? No it will jolly well not be all, Jeeves.
Are there any cats in the flat? Only the three in your bedroom, sir.
What do you mean only the three in my bedroom?? The black one, sir, the tabby, and the small lemon-colored animal.
No, no, no, no, look I have not got a cat.
I have never had a cat.
I had a dog once called Melba, he used to sit so close to the fire No, no, dont walk away.
No, no.
Its all right, my dear.
Now stand back! Stand back! I fancy, sir, that the animals mightve become somewhat exhilarated as a result of discovering a fish in Mr Woosters bedroom.
- Fish? In his bedroom? - Fish? Be brave, Delia.
My coat, sir.
Now look, Ill prove it to you.
Lll prove that there are no cats in my bedroom.
I knew it, I knew it! You're out of your mind, sir! - Your hat, Sir Roderick.
- I didnt have a hat.
This is the hat that you snatched from my head.
He did it, Roderick.
He stole your hat.
Back slowly towards the door, Delia.
Dont make any sudden movement or do anything that might excite him.
- Oh, look here - Back, you devil! Back I say! Lll see if I can recover our umbrella, sir.
I say, those werent my cats I saw legging it down the stairs, were they? And what were they doing in my bedroom? Your man, whats his name, said it would be all right.
Oh, he did, did he? I was just coming to collect them.
Well, theyve dashed well gone.
Well, cant be helped, I suppose.
What was it for? For that club, was it? The Searchers? Seekers, yes.
Lll take the hat and the fish, anyway.
Lm afraid the cats have eaten the fish.
- They wouldnt eat a hat though? - No, the chap you pinched it from was dining here tonight.
He took it away with him.
No cats, no fish, no hat.
Well, sorry, but there you are.
- Well, thank you.
Bye.
- Good bye.
I say, I hate to ask you, you couldnt lend me a tenner, could you? A tenner? What for? The fact is Ive got to pop round and bail Claude and Eustace out.
- Theyve been arrested.
- Arrested? They got a bit above themselves, I'm afraid Tried to pinch a bus.
And they expect me to provide ten pounds to bail them out? They did rather, yes.
You do realize that the people who were dining here tonight were my prospective in-laws? No, I didnt actually.
Congratulations.
Well, because of you theyve now gone away from here believing me to be a certifiable lunatic and determined that I shall never marry their daughter.
Frightfully sorry.
Tell you what.
Why dont we make it 20 pounds? You can bail them out and buy them a drink before you pull them onto the train.
- I say, thats jolly decent of you.
- No, don't say a word.
- No really.
I insist.
- Thank you.
This was all your doing, wasnt it, Jeeves? Sir? You worked the whole thing, didnt you? With the Glossops? Well, if you pardon the liberty, sir, I doubt if the young lady would have been entirely suitable for you.
And what a wheeze, you knowing all about the Glossops horror of moggies.
I must say, Jeeves, you are a bit of a marvel.
Very good of you to say so, sir.
Will that be all, sir? Yes.
Thank you Jeeves.
Yes.
Breakfast at the usual hour, sir? Yes.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Good night.
Good night, sir.
In all my years as a magistrate, I have seldom heard a tale of such heinous iniquity.
Be quiet! This parasite can think of no better way to end an evenings hooliganism on night of the University boat race! Can our seats of learning produce barbarians so lost to decency that their highest ambition is to steal a hard working police constables helmet and make off with it? I find you guilty as charged, Bertram Wilberforce Wooster, and have no alternative but to fine you the sum of five pounds.
No buts,, Wooster.
No if's.
.
Take him away.
Away, I say! We're here gov.
Three bob.
Good morning, Mr Wooster.
Thank you.
I was sent by the agency, sir.
I was given to understand that you required a valet.
Very good, sir.
A late night last night, sir? If you would drink this, sir.
It is a little preparation of my own invention.
Gentlemen have told me they find it extremely invigorating after a late evening.
I say! I say! - You are engaged! - Thank you, sir.
My name is Jeeves.
I say! Jeeves, what an extraordinary talent! Thank you, sir.
Could one inquire? - I'm sorry, sir.
- No, no, of course not.
I am not at liberty to divulge the ingredients, sir.
No, no, no, of course.
Secrets of the guild and all that.
Precisely, sir.
# "Forty-seven ginger-headed sailors # # coming home across the briney sea.
" # I say! - I say hallo! - Hallo! I want to get in.
You'll have to come this way, I'm afraid.
We can't shift him.
I was thinking of having a snifter before lunch.
Sound idea.
- Anyone in the bar? - Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps.
- Is he? Oofy Simpson and Freddie Chalk-Marshall.
- Really? - Two Wooster twins, of course.
What, Eustace and Claude? - You know them? - They're my cousins.
- You must be Bertie Wooster.
- I am! - I am Rainsby! - How do you do! You'd better come in.
Well.
Novel lad! It's not right Mr Wooster, I'm the one the Committee is going to blame for this, you know.
They can't abide mooses, the Committee can't.
I'd think it out as a certain what's it.
Come on, Rogers, do give me a hand.
Here we go! Hallo, Bertie! Bertie! Cousin Bertie! Did you meet young dog-face on your way in? I met someone called Rainsby in the hall with a moose.
- Elk.
- Sorry.
It's a common enough mistake.
It was a mistake pinching it.
Where did you steal from? There's some big museum place.
In Kensington.
I don't think I've ever been to Kensington.
Hello, Barmey! Yes, you have.
Your mother lives there.
That Kensington.
So, what do you want it for? - It's for The Seekers.
- What are The Seekers? It's a club in Oxford.
Eustace and I are rather keen to get in.
Rainsby too, but you have to pinch something to get elected.
Touching that lunch you very decently were going to volunteer to stand us Can't be done I'm afraid.
Got to have lunch with our aunt Agatha.
Not the nephew crusher? Bertie? Aunt Agatha? Young men like you make a person with the future of the race at heart dispair.
Right.
Cursed with too much money, you waste your time on frivolous pleasures.
You are simply an antisocial animal.
A drone.
Bertie, you must marry.
I say! Really! Aunt Agatha! Will you be quiet! There, Mackintosh.
You want someone strong, self-reliant and sensible No I don't.
to counteract the defficiencies of your own character.
And by great good fortune, I have found the very girl.
Who is it? Sir Roderick Glossop's daughter.
Honoria.
- No! - Don't be silly, Bertie! Sit down and eat your luncheon! She's just the wife for you.
- Really, look here - She will mould you.
I don't want to be moulded.
I'm not a jelly.
That is a matter of opinion.
Lady Glossop's very kindly invited you to Ditteridge Hall for a few days.
I told her you would be delighted to come down this afternoon.
What a pity! I'm so sorry.
I got a dashed important engagement this afternoon.
Nonsense! You will go to Ditteridge Hall this afternoon.
Right.
Jeeves, we shall be going out to Ditteridge this afternoon, can you manage that? Certainly, sir.
Will we be travelling by train, sir? By train, yes.
People by the name of Glossop.
Would that be Sir Roderick Glossop, the noted nerve specialist, sir? - That's the one.
- Very good, sir.
Which suit would you wear, sir? This one, I should think.
- Very good, sir.
- Don't you like this suit, Jeeves? Yes, sir.
What don't you like about this suit, Jeeves? It's a very nice suit, sir.
What's wrong with it? Come on, out with it! Well, sir, if I might make the suggestion, if we are to travel by train, perhaps a simple brown Harris Tweed, such as this, might be more appropriate.
- That's absolute rot, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
Perfectly blithering, my dear man.
- Just as you say, sir.
- Alright then.
Yes, sir.
Jeeves? I have to make one thing crystal clear.
Yes, sir? I am not one of those fellows who become absolute slaves to their valets.
No, sir.
Just as long as we understand each other.
Perfectly, sir.
I say! Steady on! - Is that Bingo Little? - Me? Yes.
- That's not Bertie Wooster? - It is! I haven't seen you for ages, Bingo.
- I've been living in the country.
- Really? Whereabouts in the country? - Why, here, as a matter of fact.
- Why? You hate the country.
Yes, I know, I got a job tutoring the Glossop kid.
What do you want to tutor the Glossop kid for? - Money, Bertie.
Moola, oof, spondulics.
- Well, yes.
Yes, the only one in the family I know is the girl, Honoria.
- Bertie! - What? I worship her.
I worship the very ground she treads on.
- A tender goddess! - Big girl? Sporty? Strong, upright and wonderful.
Well, yes, it's a matter of Wait a minute! Have you told her? Not yet.
I haven't got the nerve.
But we walk together in the gardens most evenings, and there sometimes seems to me there's a look in her eye.
Yes, I know that look.
Like a sergeant-major.
- Is that the kid? - He's fishing.
I'll introduce you.
This is Oswald.
Bertie Wooster.
- Well, well, Oswald, how are you? - Alright.
- Nice place this? - It's alright.
- Like fishing, do you? - It's alright.
- Why don't you shove him in? - In the water? That'll wake him up a bit.
She'll never forgive me.
She's devoted to the little brute.
Great Scott! I got it! Listen, Bingo.
Honoria is away, isn't she? She's coming back tomorrow.
She's coming, my love, my own! Yes, fine, absolutely, but you still want to make a hit with her, don't you, Bingo? - Yes.
- Bless you, my child.
You can do it.
- How, Bertie, how? - It's very simple.
It's all in the wrist action, you see? You got to get the flip forward first to disengage the chin strap.
That's where Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps went wrong on New Year's Eve.
Is that a person? Barmy? There's some dispute about that.
He pulled straight back on the helmet and the policeman came with it.
- But he must have been hurt! - Barmy? No, just a couple of bruises.
I think my wife was referring to the policeman.
No, no, no, no.
Not a bit.
No, they enjoy it, like foxes.
- Foxes? - How the enjoy being hunted.
Yes.
But foxes are vermin, Mr Wooster.
Nasty, cunning creatures, like cats.
- Lady Glossop and I dislike cats.
- We hate them.
Nasty, cruel beasts.
Now, let me try and understand to this, Mr Wooster, policemen, you say, enjoy having their helmets stolen? I think they try and enter into the spirit of the thing, don't you think Bingo? Yes, yes, yes.
- But what is the point of it? - Point? It's tradition really.
It's part of the rich tapestry of our island's story, it's Completely stupid.
You mustn't be rude, Oswald.
No, no, no, that's alright.
He's young, he'll learn.
What sort of a day is it, Jeeves? Extremely clement, sir, with the promise of further fine weather to come.
Excellent! Just the sort of day for pushing cheeky young blighters off bridges, I should think.
I couldn't say, sir.
Shall I lay out our gray flannel trousers and the checked sports coat this morning? Yes, yes.
I expect you are wondering what I meant by that last remark, Jeeves? I should be most interested to know, sir.
You are right, well, I had rather a stunning idea, Jeeves.
Indeed, sir? My friend Bingo Little is more than a bit smitten with the daughter of the house.
- Miss Honoria Glossop, sir? - As you say, Jeeves, Miss Honoria Glossop.
How do you know about Honoria Glossop? There was some discussion in the servants' hall last evening, sir.
I'm given to understand she's a healthy young lady, sir.
Yes, well, that's a very good way of putting it, Jeeves.
Thank you, sir.
And Mr Little is enamoured of her, sir? Indeed he is.
The trouble is the poor sap can't bring himself to pop the question.
- A common enough predicament, sir.
- Possibly, Jeeves, possibly.
Your employer, fired, I must confess, by the fact that my aunt Agatha has me earmarked for Honoria, unless I can lay her off on to someone else, has come up with a novel and full-proved solution to the problem.
- This is very gratifying news, sir.
- We thought so, Bingo and I.
Yes.
What it is is this.
Miss Glossop's young brother Oswald is the apple of his sister's eye.
- Human nature is very mysterious, sir.
- My thoughts precisely, Jeeves.
My plan is to lure Honoria to the vicinity of the bridge and then surreptitiously push the little blighter into the lake.
Mr Little will thereupon hop out from behind the bulrushes where he's been waiting, rescue Oswald and have proffessions of undying love showered upon him by grateful sister.
What's the matter, Jeeves? I couldn't advise it, sir.
Couldn't advise it? What do you mean you couldn't advise it? It's just my opinion, sir, but your plan has too many imponderables.
No, only Oswald is going to be imponderable.
Im - pond - erable.
Thank you, sir.
Yes.
If I might say so, sir, any undertaking that requires the presence of four people in one place at the same time, while two of them are unaware of the fact, is fraught with the possibility of mishap, sir.
Bolderdash, Jeeves.
Not to say flat doodle.
Very good, sir.
No, I'm sorry, Jeeves, but when you've been a little longer in my employ you'll come to understand that all my chums rely heavily on your employer's wisdom and knowledge of human nature in the conduct of their affairs.
Just as you say, sir.
Not to mention, my organizational powers and just plain thingness.
- Will that be all, sir? - Yes, that'll be all.
Just - That'll be all, thank you, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
Good morning, Mr Wooster.
- Good morning, Lady Glossop.
- Do sit down.
I was looking for Oswald.
Oswald? He must be getting ready to go fishing, I should think.
- At least I hope so.
- You hope so? Yes, fishing is a good healthy pursuit for a young lad.
Character building too, battleing against the mighty forces of mother nature.
Oofy Prosser once asked Boko Fittleworth down to his place for some fly-fishing.
Poor old Boko couldn't fathom why anyone would want to catch flies.
Still, that's Boko for you.
Do you always breakfast at this hour, Mr Wooster? Good Lord, no! No.
Only if I get up early.
Sir Roderick was on his way to London at eight o'clock.
Really? He had an urgent call from the Bishop of Hackney.
The old Bish got a few pages stuck together, did he? My husband is not in the book trade, Mr Wooster.
He is a well known nerve specialist.
Yes, that's what I said.
A dashed interesting work it must be too.
- Do you work, Mr Wooster? - Work as in honest toil, you mean? Yes.
Hewing the wood and drawing the old wet stuff and so forth? Quite.
Well, I've known a few people who worked, absolutely swayed by it some of them.
- But - Boko Fittleworth almost had a job once.
Who is this Boko Fittleworth you keep talking about? - Boko? You don't know Boko? - No.
Good Lord! I thought everybody knew Boko.
I do not.
- Looks like a parrot with a molt.
- No.
Once put his shirt on Silly Billy to win the Cesarewitch and Lady in Spain beat him by a nose.
I have never met Boko Fittleworth.
No, well, I couldn't recommend it wholeheartedly anyway.
He is an acquired taste, Boko.
At least thats what his mother says.
You were telling me how he once got a job Yes, well, Bokos got an uncle in the City, brokers, stocks or something like that.
And he offered Boko this job and Boko accepted it.
I don't think either of them could've been firing on all cylinders, to be honest, at the time.
Chaos obviously ensued, until Boko saw sense and gave it all up.
Then we had to take in turns to get round and sit with him until it calmed down.
How would you ever support a wife, Mr Wooster? Well, it depends on whose wife it was.
I'd say, a gentle pressure beneath the left elbow when crossing a busy street normally fills the bill.
- Bertie! - Bingo! - She telephoned! - She phoned you, eh? That's good, isn't it? Shows a friendly spirit.
Well, she didn't phone me exactly.
But I picked up a phone when I was standing beside it.
What did she say? She said me: Let me talk to someone with a brain.
.
But it was friendly the way she said it.
Go and start your Latin! Did she say what time she'd be back? - In about an hour, she said.
- And when was that? About an hour ago.
She's bringing a friend, Daphne Braithwaite or something.
- Very well then, twelve o'clock.
- What? - Twelve o'clock, the bridge, Oswald! - Oh, right, yes.
- We're still on to that then, aren't we? - Why, absolutely.
You still want to bring Honoria to her knees, don't you? Bertie, she's such a wonderful person, she has Yes, fine.
So, twelve o'clock, you'll be hidden in the bulrushes by the bridge.
- Bertie, you really think she - Ill see you later.
Leave the bags.
Beckett will get them.
Beckett! Come inside.
I want to show you some of the things I shot last week.
Hello, Honoria.
Is that Bertie Wooster? What is he doing here? What are you doing here, Bertie? You know, this and that, hither and yon.
- This is my friend, Daphne Braithwaite.
- How do you do? - Bertie's a wastrel.
- Goody! At least that's what his aunt Agatha says.
Come on, Daphne.
- See you later, Bertie.
- Will I? Yes, see you later, Daphne.
- I say! Honoria? - What? - Would you come for a walk with me? - What? You know A walk.
Becket, the bags.
- What for? - I want to tell you something.
- Really? Now? - No, no.
In about half an hour.
- Right.
- No, no, that's when, that's when - In about 20 minutes by the bridge.
- Why in 20 minutes? It'll be better then.
Hello, mommy, I'm back.
Did you have a nice time at the Braithwaits' dear? Lovely, yes.
I brought Daphne back with me.
Close the door a moment, Honoria.
Come and sit down.
- I had been talking to Mr Wooster.
- Yes, I saw him.
What's he doing here? - Mrs Gregson sent him.
- What on earth for? He doesn't shoot, he doesn't hunt.
- It is your birthday next week, Honoria.
- She didn't send him down as a present? - You will be 24.
- Oh, no It is a good family, Honoria.
Honestly, mommy, he doesn't work even! He told me this morning he has been thinking about work.
He is not all your father and I hoped for for you, I agree, but Surely, you could make something of him.
- Is he keen at all? - I'm sure he is.
You know how these young men try to hide their feelings.
Keep still, you ass.
She'll see you.
Don't sniff.
Right, here she comes.
Well? - I was just thinking.
- What? This may sound a bit rummy, and all that.
But there is someone here who is frightfully in love with you.
And so forth.
- A friend of mine, as a matter of fact.
- Well, why doesn't he say so? Somebody hasn't got the nerve.
Worships the ground you tread on, and all that.
But just can't whack up the ginger to tell you.
- This is very interesting.
- Is it? Anyway, that's the posish.
- And so just bear it in mind eh? - Oh, Bertie, how funny you are! I wish you wouldn't make all that row! You're scaring the fish away.
Oswald, you shouldnt sit on the bridge like that.
- He might easily fall in.
- Might he? Well, I'll go and tell him.
Hello.
Fishing? Watch out! Oswald! Help! Help him! - Help! - What are you doing?! Help! Oswald! Oswald! Yes Oswald! - Oswald, are you all right? - He pushed me.
He's mad! Run along and change your clothes! Honoria Bertie, you are funny! First proposing to me in that extraordinary roundabout way and then pushing poor little Oswald into the lake, so as to impress me by saving him! - No, no, no, no! - Now you run straight up to the house, and change your wet clothes before you catch a death of cold.
Go on! Bertie! Bertie! Just the man I wanted to see.
Bertie, a wonderful thing has happened! You blighter! What became of you? Do you realize Your clothes are all wet.
Bertie, I was just on my way to hide in those rushes, when the most extraordinary thing happened.
Walking across the lawn I saw the most radiant, the most beautiful girl in the world.
We started to talk.
Her name is Daphne Braithwaite, Bertie.
Our eyes met and I knew at once that what I imagined to be my love for Honoria Glossop was a mere passing whim.
Daphne is so wonderful, Bertie, like a tender goddess.
And she is so sympathetic, Bertie.
Daphne! Her handicap is only six.
Its funny how these things turn out, dont you think, Jeeves? Indeed, sir.
Before we get Bingo under starters' orders even, there he is, falling in love with this blessed six-handicapper.
At least it means hes been saved from the frightful Honoria.
True, sir, but if I might say so, sir, at a cost to yourself, which might have caused other lesser men to blench.
Oh, come, Jeeves.
Slight dousing is no more than a chap might do for any chap under the circs.
It was not the dousing, to which I was referring, sir, but to the engagement.
Engagement? I was downstairs a few minutes ago, sir, and couldnt help but overhear miss Glossop announcing your engagement to her.
- Is it getting chilly in here, Jeeves? - No, sir.
It must be my imagination.
Bertie was so sweet, Mrs.
Gregson, and so funny! I find it difficult to envisage.
I shall be able to make something of him, I am sure.
He's led a completely wasted life up to the present.
- I say! - Be quiet, Bertie! - But theres a lot of good in him.
- No, there isn't, actually! It simply wants bringing out.
Its time I took you in hand, Bertie-Worty.
You want someone to look after you.
- No, I don't! Really, I don't! - Yes, you do.
- Bye-bye, Bertie! Good-bye, Mrs.
Gregson.
- Good-bye! - Bertie! - Yes, Aunt Agatha? Dear Honoria doesn't know it, but a little difficulty has arisen about your marriage.
By Jove! Really? It's nothing at all, of course, it's only a little exasperating.
The fact is the Glossops are being a little troublesome.
Sir Roderick particularly so.
Thinks, I am not a good bet, eh? Wants to scratch the fixture? Well, its a shame.
Perhaps hes right.
Pray dont be so absurd, Bertie, it is nothing as serious as that.
Bertie, a nerve specialist with his extensive practice can hardly help taking a rather warped view of humanity.
Do you mean he thinks Ive got fewer marbles than advertised? No, no, no.
Well He just wants to satisfy himself that you are completely normal.
Well, of all the blessed nerve! I mean Im not a chap to take offence So I have said that you will give them dinner this evening.
- If he thinks I am a raving loony.
- Don't be silly, Bertie.
And remember, the Glossops drink no wine.
Yes, Aunt Agatha, I remember.
And remember, Sir Roderick need only the simpliest of foods owing to an impaired digestion.
Yes, I should think a dog-biscuit and a glass of water would about meet the case.
Bertie! That's precisely the sort of idiotic remark, that would be calculated to arouse Sir Roderick's strongest suspicions.
He is a very serious-minded man.
The Duke of Ramfurline's house, Bernard.
Well done, Claude! My hat! You're not Bertie! He's better looking than Bertie.
It's very kind of you to say so, sir.
- We are his cousins.
I'm Claude Wooster.
- I am Eustace Wooster.
I am not his cousin.
I am Rainsby.
I'm delighted to meet you, Lord Rainsby.
Won't you come in, please? - What's your name? - Jeeves, sir.
I'm Mr Wooster's new valet.
The last one used to pinch his socks.
Mr Wooster is not in at the moment, sir, but I'm sure he would like me to offer you some refreshment.
Thats jolly decent of him, Jeeves.
He has some Bollinger'27 which is particularly fine.
It'd be a shame to let it go off.
- Jeeves.
- Yes, sir? We've got some things down in a taxi which we want to take back to Oxford tonight.
But the last train is not till ten-ten.
- I say! Are we invited to dinner? - I regret not, sir.
We were going to ask cousin Bertie if we could leave some things here until the train.
I am sorry, sir.
I should have to ask Mr Wooster's permission first.
What manner of things might they be, sir? - A top-hat.
- A fish.
And a couple of cats, of course.
Cats, sir? Perhaps, Mr Wooster would not object.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Dog-Face, go and get the stuff and bring it up.
Right.
Where is Bertie anyway? He had an important meeting with Mr Fotheringay-Phipps, sir.
- Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps? - I believe that is the sobriquet, sir, yes.
Has the IQ of a backward clam? It's my understanding that amongst fellow-members of The Drones club he is considered something of a dangerous intellectual, sir.
That's the one.
Mr Wooster informed me that he is attending the weekly meeting of The Drones club Fine Arts Committee.
No.
Seven.
Four.
- What's a king count as? - Ten.
- What's a ten count as then? - Ten.
Tens and all picture cards count as ten.
How long have you been playing this game, Barmy? - About an hour and a quarter.
- That's a leaner, leaners only count half.
- Good shot, Bertie.
- My game, I think.
- Youve not scored a hundred yet.
- Five hundred.
- I thought we were playing to a hundred.
- Lets have another drink at the bar.
Cant be done, Im afraid, Boko.
Got people coming down to dinner.
- Toodle-pip.
- Toodle-o.
What do sevens count as? # «This is the story about Minnie the Moocher.
» # # She was a low-down hoochie coocher.
# # She was the roughest toughest frail.
# # But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
# # Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
# # Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
# # Rah dee rah dee rah.
# # Rah dee rah dee rah.
# # Tee dee hee dee hee.
# # Tee dee hee dee hee.
# # But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
" # You know, I can't help feeling, Jeeves, that I could do better justice to this song if I understood what the words meant.
Oh, I doubt that, sir.
I mean all this Hoo dee hoo dee hoo stuff is pretty clear.
What do you suppose a hoochie coocher is exactly? It is difficult to say, sir.
Unless its in connection with one of the demotic American words for ardent spirits.
Lm thinking of hooch,, a word of Eskimo origin, I'm informed.
Tut.
You bally well are informed, Jeeves! Do you know everything? I really dont know, sir.
# "She had a dream about the King of Sweden.
# # He gave her things that she was needin'.
" # - Now you see that is clever, Jeeves.
- Really, sir? That line about the king of Sweden and tthings she was needin.
Yes, his Majesty king Gustav does seem to have been extraordinarily generous to the young lady, sir.
No I mean the fact that it rhymes.
You see? "Sweden needin".
Almost, sir.
# "He gave her a home built of gold and steel.
# # A platinum car with diamond-studded wheels.
# # Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
# # Hoo " # Jeeves, could you lend a hand here, you think? Very good, sir.
Its just a little bit difficult, you know, being just the one of me.
Its the sort of call and response thing.
I sing hoo dee hoo dee hoo,, and you have to go hoo dee hoo dee hoo back, you understand? - I think so, sir.
- Right, let's try it.
- # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
" # - # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo" # sir.
- # "Rah dee rah dee rah.
" # - # "Rah dee rah dee rah" # sir.
- # "Tee dee hee dee hee.
" # - # "Tee dee hee dee hee" # sir.
I don't mean to be overly critical, Jeeves.
I mean, I know youre doing your best.
Thank you, sir.
I just think that perhaps we could dispense with the sir at the end of every line.
It shows the proper feudal spirit and all that but Im afraid it does not play merry hell with the rythm of the thing.
- Very good, sir.
- All right.
- # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
" # - # "Hoo dee hoo dee hoo.
" # - # "Tee dee hee dee hee.
" # - # "Tee dee hee dee hee.
" # # "But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
" # - Well now, Jeeves, do you think I ought to sing Minnie the Moocher to the Glossops this evening? I should not think it advisable, sir.
Lve not heard that Sir Roderick is musical.
No.
But Lady Glossop is.
There is also that to be considered, sir.
Well now what are you giving us for dinner tonight? Consommé, sir.
A cutlet and a savory.
And some lemon squash iced.
Well.
I dont see how that can harm them.
Dont get carried away with the excitement of the thing and start bringing in coffee.
Very good, sir.
Right.
Stand by Jeeves.
Thinks Im barmy, does he? - Well show him, eh, Jeeves? - Indubitably, sir.
Just dont let your eyes go glassy or youll find yourself in a padded cell before you know where you are.
- What ho! What ho! What ho! - Good evening, Mr Wooster.
- Good evening, Jeeves.
- Good evening, Lady Glossop.
We are a little late, Sir Roderick was detained at the Duke of Ramfurline's.
Ramfurline? Yes.
Hes off his rocker, isnt he? Theres nothing seriously wrong with His Grace.
It's merely unfortunate that his footman failed to give him his sugar this morning.
- Sugar? - He likes a lump of sugar first thing.
His Grace is under the impression that he is a canary.
A mistake anyone might make.
And as he didnt get his sugar, he flew into a temper and tried to perch on the picture rail.
Well, its not unreasonable.
I rather feel like doing that when I dont get my tea.
Right.
So we should be going for it then.
Very good.
Now, if I sit in the middle, Lady Glossop, would you like to sit on my right? And Sir Roderick on my left.
Is that right? No, wait a minute.
Perhaps Lady Glossop ought to sit in the middle.
She's the only lady.
And we can sit either side.
Should we try that? Lady Glossop in the middle, Sir Roderick on the other side and I'll sit here.
No, wait a minute, that's not right, is it? Sir Roderick ought to sit in the middle.
He's the only knight.
Distinguished gent and all that.
Sir Roderick in the middle.
That's alright.
We're getting there.
We're getting there.
Sir Roderick here.
If I can just squeeze past.
No, hold on, hold on.
Can't have husband and wife sitting together.
No, that's right, I'll sit in the middle.
Sir Roderick on that side and Lady Glossop on this side, if you don't mind.
There we go.
Hold on, we're back where we started now.
- Mr Wooster! - Hello? Let us sit down! Right, yes, good idea, yes.
Lm worn out.
- Lemon squash, anyone? - No, thank you.
- No? Sir Roderick? - Thank you.
I say, Jeeves.
That soup doesnt look at all bad, does it? Thank you, sir.
Sir Roderick, this Ramfurline fellow, does he get dressed up in yellow feathers and all that? - Well - I would if I thought I was a canary.
"Pretty-polly".
But seriously, Im jolly interested in people who get the jimjams because, well, some of my best friends - Do you keep a cat, Mr Wooster? - A cat? No.
I had a distinct impression I heard a cat mewing either in this room or very close at hand.
No.
That was probably a taxi or something in the street.
A taxi, Mr Wooster? - Yes, taxies squawk a bit, dont they? - Squawk? Yes, well, like cats in a way.
Lady Glossop and I have a particular horror of cats.
There you go then.
I dont much like taxies.
My husband had an unfortunate experience with a taxi only this afternoon.
Indeed I did.
I was about to be driven to the Duke of Ramfurline's house Or cage as I expect he likes to call it.
I was sitting innocently in my car, when my hat was snatched from my head.
As I looked back, I perceived it being waved in a kind of feverish triumph from the interior of a taxi-cab.
What an extraordinary thing! Must be some sort of practical joke, I suppose.
I confess I fail to detect anything akin to comedy in the outrage.
The action was without question that of a mentally unbalanced subject.
Mr Wooster! What is the meaning of this? There is a cat close at hand.
It is not in the street.
Look I have not got a cat, I tell you.
Alright, we'll get Jeeves in here.
There! I cant bear it.
I simply cant bear it.
- No look, it must be Jeeves.
- Jeeves?! You called, sir? Were you making a noise like a cat? No, sir.
Will that be all, sir? No it will jolly well not be all, Jeeves.
Are there any cats in the flat? Only the three in your bedroom, sir.
What do you mean only the three in my bedroom?? The black one, sir, the tabby, and the small lemon-colored animal.
No, no, no, no, look I have not got a cat.
I have never had a cat.
I had a dog once called Melba, he used to sit so close to the fire No, no, dont walk away.
No, no.
Its all right, my dear.
Now stand back! Stand back! I fancy, sir, that the animals mightve become somewhat exhilarated as a result of discovering a fish in Mr Woosters bedroom.
- Fish? In his bedroom? - Fish? Be brave, Delia.
My coat, sir.
Now look, Ill prove it to you.
Lll prove that there are no cats in my bedroom.
I knew it, I knew it! You're out of your mind, sir! - Your hat, Sir Roderick.
- I didnt have a hat.
This is the hat that you snatched from my head.
He did it, Roderick.
He stole your hat.
Back slowly towards the door, Delia.
Dont make any sudden movement or do anything that might excite him.
- Oh, look here - Back, you devil! Back I say! Lll see if I can recover our umbrella, sir.
I say, those werent my cats I saw legging it down the stairs, were they? And what were they doing in my bedroom? Your man, whats his name, said it would be all right.
Oh, he did, did he? I was just coming to collect them.
Well, theyve dashed well gone.
Well, cant be helped, I suppose.
What was it for? For that club, was it? The Searchers? Seekers, yes.
Lll take the hat and the fish, anyway.
Lm afraid the cats have eaten the fish.
- They wouldnt eat a hat though? - No, the chap you pinched it from was dining here tonight.
He took it away with him.
No cats, no fish, no hat.
Well, sorry, but there you are.
- Well, thank you.
Bye.
- Good bye.
I say, I hate to ask you, you couldnt lend me a tenner, could you? A tenner? What for? The fact is Ive got to pop round and bail Claude and Eustace out.
- Theyve been arrested.
- Arrested? They got a bit above themselves, I'm afraid Tried to pinch a bus.
And they expect me to provide ten pounds to bail them out? They did rather, yes.
You do realize that the people who were dining here tonight were my prospective in-laws? No, I didnt actually.
Congratulations.
Well, because of you theyve now gone away from here believing me to be a certifiable lunatic and determined that I shall never marry their daughter.
Frightfully sorry.
Tell you what.
Why dont we make it 20 pounds? You can bail them out and buy them a drink before you pull them onto the train.
- I say, thats jolly decent of you.
- No, don't say a word.
- No really.
I insist.
- Thank you.
This was all your doing, wasnt it, Jeeves? Sir? You worked the whole thing, didnt you? With the Glossops? Well, if you pardon the liberty, sir, I doubt if the young lady would have been entirely suitable for you.
And what a wheeze, you knowing all about the Glossops horror of moggies.
I must say, Jeeves, you are a bit of a marvel.
Very good of you to say so, sir.
Will that be all, sir? Yes.
Thank you Jeeves.
Yes.
Breakfast at the usual hour, sir? Yes.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Good night.
Good night, sir.