Jeff & Some Aliens s01e10 Episode Script

Jeff & Some Love Simulations

1 What you up to, Jeff? I'm using this incredible new app to help me find love.
Ooh.
Not her.
Oof! Definitely not her.
So ugly.
Are you rejecting these women based solely on their looks? - That is really disgusting.
- No, no.
It's much deeper than that.
It also shows me what kind of music and TV shows they're into, all right? Okay, maybe you guys are right.
You know, what am I doing? I could be closing the door on a beautiful relationship here.
Here, see this girl? Not exactly my type.
I'm gonna send her a heart.
Oof! Definitely not him.
So ugly! Three aliens came from the sky The Galactic Council sent them all: And here's the reason why Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy all: To see if humans are worth saving Or if everyone has to die Wait, what? Man, I don't get it! Why aren't any of these ladies biting? I can't just sit back and watch this anymore.
This man clearly needs help.
Maybe we should let him use our dating app.
Sorry, guys, I don't think I have it in me to fill out any more dating profiles.
If I have to write that I'm a 420-friendly breast man one more time, I'm gonna scream.
Jeff, don't worry.
This one does it for you.
Wait, wait, what's happ [stammering] Oh! Whoa! [dings] Okay.
Now let's go find you some soul mates.
[whooshing] [dramatic music] I'm telling you, we live in a surveillance state.
They're watching our every move.
Denise, I'm sorry, I can't have another one of these lunches with you.
They're exhausting.
[machine humming] Whoa! I'm compatible with all these babes? Yeah, right.
This is just everybody that exists.
Now we just got to weed out the ones you don't connect with emotionally - Aw.
- Take out the ones who won't think your jokes are funny That's key.
- What? - And finally, let's lose all the ones you won't be able to satisfy sexually.
Oh, come on! Can't I learn? Here they are: your lucky love matches.
As soon as I press this button, you'll be able to experience true love with Jessica.
True Love? Jessica? I like the sound of that! Ah! Oh, my God! - Oh, what the - Darling! - Do you fancy a cup of tea? - Oh, she's British! Yes! Uh, I do, I do, me loves.
- Sorry for the delay - Oh! My little crumpet.
I misplaced my dentures.
I haven't the foggiest where I put them - Oh, my God! - Let's give him 10 years to really get the full experience.
[machine whirring] Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus, where am I? What's happening? What year is it? Ah! - Oh, you guys! - Settle down, buddy.
Jeez, it was just a simulation! How'd it go in there? How'd it go? She was 80 years old, you idiots.
She smelled like vinegar.
We spent half of our time in doctor's offices.
It was absolute bollocks! Oh, dear, looks like you didn't open your heart to her at all! This machine is programmed to find true love, Jeff.
It doesn't let superficial details like age get in the way.
There's no way I'm getting back in that hellbox without a little vetting first, okay? Oh, I think you'll like this next one, Jeff.
27 years old, Columbian, and extremely fit.
Oh, okay, a little caliente Latin flavor, huh? That sounds great.
Now we're talking.
Let's do this! Oh, God.
Oh! Hola, mi amor.
Hello, sir.
So? How'd it go, buddy? Was he as hot in real life as he looked in the pictures? We're, uh, obviously not communicating clearly here.
Yes, as far as men go, Federico was objectively extremely handsome, but there's one problem Let me guess: you kept your heart closed again.
Yeah! Because I'm not gay! Okay? And by the way, I don't need 10 years with everybody to see if we match, okay? Half hour, that's it.
Who's the next one? What's her name? And what does she look like? Oh, my God! Mr.
Particular! [sighs] I mean, this next one's a superstar actress.
Is that a dealbreaker for you too? - Huh? - Her name is Scarlett Johansson.
What? Scarlett Johansson! - You know her? - What, are you crazy? Everyone knows her! Are you serious? Scarlett Johansson and I are a match? That's amazing! Yeah, it says right here you perfectly complement each other's hearts and souls.
You know, it's funny, I I always felt like we'd get along.
Oh, God, why are we wasting time? Get me in there! [operatic music] Look at me, I'm the wizard of bubble land! [laughter] That's too funny! Stop! - [laughing] - Oh, baby.
Don't you need to start getting ready for the Oscars? Pfft! Who cares about some dumb award when I already have the world's greatest trophy.
- You.
- Aww.
Now, close your eyes, baby.
Oh, Scarlett.
Oh, Scarlett.
Oh, Scarlett.
Oh, Scar Ah! Come on! How could you just pull me out like that? You gave me 10 years with Federico! First you want it shorter, then you want it longer.
I mean, make up your mind! You know what? It doesn't matter, okay? I I got to go find Scarlett, and make her a part of my life for real.
- Scarlett! - Scarlett! Over here! - Over here! - Scarlett! Scarlett! Scarlett, we're meant to be together! We're perfect matches! We perfectly complement each others' hearts and souls! No, Scarlett! I'm the man of your dreams! Look! I made a mask of your face! - [grunting] - Um[whispering] She got a restraining order against me! I thought the machine said we were perfect matches, and I definitely opened my heart, okay? So that's not the problem.
Yeah, but come on, Jeff, if you blow it that hard, you can destroy any kind of love.
Oh, update looks like you and Scarlett are no longer matches.
- Sorry, buddy.
- Damn it, damn it, damn it! You've only got one match left in the entire world.
You better not goof it up, buddy.
Jesus.
Why is it always so, like, last chance-y around here? [grunting] Oh, holy [bleep].
- Oh, - [bleep].
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Here, hit this.
- Oh, yeah.
- Now hit this! Oh! I love our Sundays! I [bleep] love you! I [bleep] love you! Uh! Ahh! Oh, my God.
That was amazing! She's perfect.
[opera music] - Hey, honey.
- [gasps] I just stopped by to tell you you're the most wonderful thing in my life.
- You know that? - Oh, thanks, Stu.
Mwah.
She has a [bleep] boyfriend! So? What's the problem here, Jeff? I don't understand.
You get hung up on the weirdest details.
No wonder you can't find love.
I hate this stupid machine.
Get it out of here.
I'm done with it.
No, Jeff, don't touch the machine! - Do not touch the machine! - [overlapping shouting] It's thing but trouble and heartache.
Jeff, you can't just Simulation in there! [gasps] - [panting] - [shrieks] Who who are you guys? What the [bleep] is happening? - Uh - Oh, you stupid idiot.
Thanks, Jeff.
These pearl onions are really good.
Oh, I'm so glad you like them.
I I had to drive to, like, four different specialty markets to track them down.
You know they keep mini vampires away? [chuckles] That's garlic, not onions, you ding-dong.
There you go.
There's that little smile.
- [giggling] - Oh, I like it.
I'm sorry, Jeff, it's just hard for me to wrap my head around all this.
You created me to find love? Exactly, yes.
And and there's nothing to worry about, because I'm gonna take real good care of you.
- [microwave dings] - Ooh, your hot tub's ready.
I'll be right back.
So when you gonna kill her, Jeff? What? Never.
We didn't kill little Scarlett Johansson or Federico or Jessica.
Sure we did.
[screams] Why would you do that? I mean, once the simulation's over, they they have no use anymore.
Yeah, we're not hoarders.
[laughs] Well, we're not touching little Kiki, okay? She's a sweet little version of the love of my life, and she deserves respect.
She's not built for this world, Jeff.
And there's no telling what she'll do when that reality sinks in.
Ooh, scary.
Maybe she'll eat all my chocolate chips or something, huh? You morons.
- Mm.
- You want jets with that? Um, sure.
[giggles] That's nice.
You know, I've been thinking.
Even if it was just a simulation, the time we spent together was so amazing.
I want to do whatever I can to get you and the big me together, for real.
[gasps] That's really sweet, little Kiki, but the big version of you is dating some dreamboat stud named Stu.
Ugh, yeah, right.
I was miserable with Stu.
- You were? - Ew! He was so clingy and needy.
I kept trying to break up with him, but I just couldn't shake him.
The big me is suffocating in that relationship, Jeff.
And the little me is gonna helpou get her out.
And on that fateful day in Berlin in 1971, a synthesizer repairman named Klaus Schmidt created a sound that would forever be known as kraut rock.
Oh, thank you, Germany! Oh, so awesome.
Ahh! Nice.
And we're sure we feel morally okay with this? Jeff, trust me, this is in everyone's best interest.
- [phone ringing] - Hey, babe.
I was just about to call you.
They got that almond ccolate you like at Freshy's and Stu, what I'm about to say might hurt.
What? [stammering] What are you talking about? What does that You know we haven't been connecting for a long time.
You're not breaking up with me, are you? You didn't want to have this talk when we were in New Mexico, Stu, so we're having it now! No! No, Kiki, listen.
- Listen - It's too late, Stu! It's over.
Oh, God, this is the worst day of my life! This is the worst day - Both: Whoo! - You did it! No, we did it, Jeff.
We make a great team.
Say hello to the world's greatest wingman.
What's up! Hey, Jeff, we're having a cornhole tournament.
You're on Jimmy's team.
- Ow! - Oh, no! Sorry, I'm not good at athletics.
Oh, my God, little Kiki, are you okay? It's just a little nick.
Are you guys insane? Throwing those sandbags around when we got a three-inch person living in this house? What's wrong with you? - [whispering] - Yes.
Yeah, guys, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second? You want us to move to the basement? Little Kiki says that if I'm gonna have a real shot at this relationship, I need to be a strong, independent man, and that means no more roommates.
And quite frankly, she's just been getting kind of a bad vibe from you guys.
You have to kill her right now, okay? Yeah, see? That might be the kind of thing she's talking about.
But we're your bros.
And you're putting her before us.
It just doesn't seem right.
Seems like there should be a saying for that.
Okay, let's see.
We got Elephant Flute Lords? Oh, you've, uh, heard of them? Heard of them? These guys rock.
Oh, my God.
These are, like, all my all-time favorite records.
Is that so? [gasps] I like your shirt.
[whispering] Tell you got it at a Thanks, I got it at a Pussy Riot benefit.
I'm Kiki.
Uh, this is a real stab in the dark, but you don't by any chance like kraut rock, do you? [rock music] Oh, the syncopation is so sick! [laughing] What about the synths? Oh, this is awesome.
The last girl I dated was into John Mayer.
I wanted to kill her.
The last guy I dated just disappeared one day.
It was really weird.
But I got to say, I'm really glad he did.
Oh, [bleep].
That's your cue! I never take my glasses off unless I want it.
No, no, it's too soon.
It sure is a nice night with all the stars in the sky and stuff Are you hearing this [bleep], Jeff? I'm clearly just babbling nonsense waiting for you to make a move.
Don't be a pussy, Jeff.
Do it! Hey, I was just, uh Hey, uh Mmm.
Pull my hair.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Mmm! Mmm, mmm.
Too much tongue, Jeff! Too much tongue! Mmm, mmm.
Okay, now slip your pinky in my butt.
What? What are you talking about? Just do it.
She'll love it.
Everything okay? Yeah, ev Everything's fine.
Jeff! Are you ticklish? - Here? - [giggling] No.
- Are you ticklish? - [giggling] Here? Jeff, I'm ticklish in my elbows and my forearms.
What are you doing? That's the whole point of the game.
I don't want to know.
Don't worry.
I got this.
Get out of here.
Ugh! Are you ticklish all here? [laughter] [growling] Oh, love is in my life And I'm as happy as I can be Oh.
Hey guys.
[shivering] You forgot to turn on the heat down here.
Oh.
[chuckling] I am so sorry.
Oh well, uh, I'm just coming down to do a load of whites, so will you do me a favor and pop these in the dryer Jeff, this is crazy, okay? Come on.
Why you hiding us away like a bunch of lepers? If this Kiki girl is as cool as you say she is, well, then, why don't you just introduce us? Yeah, we could study her, too.
We could all be friends.
And we could have sleepovers [laughing] Guys, there is no way I am subjecting anyone else to the nightmare of being studied by you three, okay? Oh, and this goes without saying, but the lint tray needs to be cleared before you run the dryer.
Thanks.
Do you guys remember if he said he wanted a delicate cycle, or We're not doing his laundry, okay? [phone chimes] [laughing] Um, Jeff, is this supposed to be my dinner? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, I couldn't make it to the specialty store.
But speaking of dinner, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow night.
The big you is gonna cook me her famous secret casserole.
- [phone chimes] - Oh, my God.
- [sighs] - That's great.
- [phone chimes] - [laughing] What are you texting now? Huh? Oh, yeah, you know what? It's too hard to explain.
It's an inside joke that me and Kiki - [phone chimes] - Oh, my God! She is so good at sending gifs! - [phone chimes repeatedly] - [laughing] Hey, I just had a crazy thought.
Oh, yeah? What if we were the ones dating? Uh okay.
Uh, that is crazy.
[chuckling] [laughing uproariously] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, excuse me.
Hey, what do you think you're doing, young lady? Come on, Jeff, open your mind.
Little Kiki, come on.
You're my friend, okay? A really, really good friend who's the size of a piece of baby corn.
Okay, I get it.
Good night, Jeff.
Okay, come on.
Don't be mad.
Don't be - [phone chimes] - [laughing] I mean, that is the perfect gif for We're gonna eat so much We'll get so full With my casserole My famous casserole He's gonna be impressed, then I'll ride that pole After the casserole, my famous casserole Hey, good-lookin' What's for dinner? You know what, Jeff? I've been thinking.
It's just so petty of me to be jealous when I should just be happy for you guys.
I mean, you found love! That's a big deal! So how about a toast to your happiness? Aw, thank you.
That means so much to me.
To me and you.
Well, not you, but, you know, the other you.
You know what I'm saying.
Oh, God! It's Ugh, this wine sucks! It tastes like chemicals [dark music] Mm.
Shh.
Yes, little baby.
Shh.
[birds chirping] [knocking at door] Ugh.
- Kiki? - Jeff! I waited for you for hours.
I kept calling you.
I hope you don't mind.
I just came over Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I I have no idea what happened.
I I think I I think I got roofied.
Are you serious? What kind of a maniac would do that? Well, oh, my God, I'm just glad you're okay.
- Come here.
- Wait.
- How did you find my house? - Shh, just kiss me.
Mmm.
Okay, but, um, just for future reference, I'm not a huge fan of being shushed and [moaning] [sinister music] I can't believe this is how it's gonna end.
Guy gets his first whiff of [bleep], and nothing else matters to him.
There's more to life, Jeff! Come on, guys.
[sobbing] Bye, Jeff? What? Did you hear that? Hear what? Why don't you just come here so we can make love again? [stammering] I'm getting a little worn out here, okay? I [dramatic musical flourish] - Little Kiki? - Yeah, so? The only thing standing between us was our size, so I fixed that.
- What? How? - I'm a gearhead, Jeff.
I'm good with machines.
This one time, I refurbished a '50s Fender tube amp.
It sounded so sick.
So I'm tiny right now? Admit it, Jeff.
The happiest you've ever been was in this love simulation.
Now we can be inside here forever.
You wanna jam? No! I don't want to jam, you psycho! I want to go back to reality! - [smack] - Oh! Stop, Jeff! We can make this work! You're just a dating app! - [smack] - Ow! [smack] - Just open your heart! - Ugh! - [shouting] - [smack] Argh! Oh Little Kiki.
Oh, my God.
[sobbing] I'm so sorry.
Guys! [dramatic music] Leave the roller blades, Jimmy.
You're not gonna use 'em.
Come on.
Damn it! Oh [skittering] The cockroaches! Ride like the wind! [laughing] Whoo! Whoa, whoa, oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no, you idiot! Up there! Come on! To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right, to the left, to the left, to the left [gasps] Argh! No! Guuuuyyys! Please, don't go! Jeff? I'm so sorry I ever let anything get in the way of our friendship.
My life is so much better with you in it, and I swear I'll never put anything in front of my bros ever again.
Jeff, I'm sorry.
I couldn't make out anything you just said.
You got a real teeny, weeny little voice.
Yeah, can you say that all again? Whatever.
Can you guys just make me big again? - Hi.
- Well, well.
If it isn't Jeff the player.
Wow, nobody's ever called me that before.
I'm so sorry I flaked last night.
I was so excited about your famous casserole, and I am super excited about you.
Cool.
So why didn't you come? [sighs] Well, the old me would make up some bullshit excuse right now.
But the truth is, Kiki, I'm I'm a very complicated guy with a very complicated life, and secrets that I haven't had the courage to share with - Is that our cue, Jeff? - Hey, hey, what's up? No, you idiots, I said wait until she said okay! Ahhhh! Jeff, what the [bleep]? What are those? Jesus hell! [thump] Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Kiki, are you okay? You [bleep] idiots! Jeez, Jeff, I thought you said she was cool.
She is cool! Oh, God, all right.
All right.
Let's get an ice pack.
We'll figure out a way to make this work.
All: Yay! Cut.