Jerk (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

Another tap water?
Oh, no, thank you.
Yeah, mate.
No, it's a Tinder date.
Ah, well, she's a six out of ten,
but a shag's a shag!
I'm going for a piss.
I'll call you back.
In Hell I'll Be In Good
Company by The Dead South
Actually, sorry,
could I get a glass of water?
There you go.
Hi! How's my baby boy doing?
Hey, Mom, I'm fine.
Are you still in bed? Kind of.
You know how proud I am
that you're standing on
your own two feet in London.
So fucking stand on them,
goddamn it!
It's ten o'clock in the morning!
Mom, there's a time difference.
Oh, yeah.
No, it's the other way around.
It's three o'clock in the afternoon!
Stop being an asshole and get up.
Listen, I want it to work
out for you over there.
You don't want to come back.
I mean, you'll just spend your time
sitting out on the porch
in a rocking chair.
Every chair's a rocking chair
when I sit in it.
And you don't want to grow old
and lonely doing that. Oh, Mom.
I don't think you need
to worry about me growing old.
You want me to get the casket ready?
Did you get a job yet?
You know it's hard for me
to get a job.
Baby, as the world's leading
internet expert on cerebral palsy,
I can tell you categorically
that being a pussy is not a symptom.
Oh, shit, Mom, I've gotta go.
My carer's here.
All right.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too. Bye, sweetie.
Hey, Ruth!
This place is a mess.
Have you eaten today?
No, no, no.
Thank fuck for that.
Right, when you're making it,
I'll have a cheese sandwich.
Thanks, Tim.
I mean, I have just walked
all the way from the Tube.
You must be exhausted.
Do you know, I am a bit.
Tim. Eh?
Have you not renewed your visa yet?
Hey, it'll be fine. No, it won't.
Don't you read the papers?
We hate immigrants in this country.
I'm American. You love Americans.
We're like you, but with sex appeal.
Look, it says that you've
got to get a job.
That bit's double underlined.
I'm an artist.
My life is my job.
Everything I create is art.
Well, your art looks disgusting.
You're just scared to get a job
cos you'll be crap at it.
Well, maybe.
Look, it's easy. I've got a job.
What exactly do you do?
I'm a carer.
I care.
I went on a two-day course.
They gave me a certificate.
Look, just try and stay.
You're one of the least depressing
ones that I look after.
And and you what?
You like me!
You're friends with me!
God, you're so emotionally retarded.
You know that we never
use that word.
I'm sorry.
You're not emotional.
Thank you.
What's your name, sorry?
Here's the dealio.
I need a job
or they're going to kick me
out of this country
all the way back home.
So back home to?
America. Can't you tell
by my accent?
Ha! Um
Oh, you thought I was
from Cerebral Palsy-onia!
Yes No!
No, no. God Oh, God, no. No.
I'll be straight with you, Tim.
The only bit of "disability"
that I care about is "ability".
Jesus. I think we're all very
different, aren't we?
And very different
in different ways.
I, for example suffer, from anosmia,
which means I have a very
limited sense of smell.
Uh, that's really not a disability.
Thank you, Tim. That means a lot.
Right, let's get cracking. What
sort of work are you interested in?
Airforce stunt pilot.
You probably need a bit of
experience to be a stunt pilot.
I do have experience!
How do you think I got like this?
Well, let's try a different tack.
What sort of skills do you have,
I can dance. You
Yeah, I can dance.
Are you? Should you?
OK everything OK, or?
Whoa! If we can
..sort that if you'd
like to just
Put that down. Put it down. OK.
"Boy can dance!" Great. Great.
I will. "His moves are fire!"
Just spotted this.
Actually, a greetings card company
are looking for a young,
enthusiastic, entry-level applicant
to work in all aspects of their
editorial slash art department.
That could be an alternative,
if you
It does also say they're looking
for candidates from a diverse
range of backgrounds, so,
you know, you get your visa
and I'll have helped
make your future your today.
Check Yourself by Ice Cube
yourself before you wreck yourself
before you wreck yo self
I come real stealth
Kill car alarms
I'm that brother wit' the Alpine
Always let tricks know
I'll cut ya
You say you can't touch this
Punk you a sucka
But don't call me Dough Boy
motion picture
My homie get wit'cha
Tim. Um Hey, I'm Shaun. I'm
..chief lunatic at Anarchy Hamster.
It didn't actually say
on your CV that you're
..about the you know, that you've
got a different ability to, um which is cool, because
we're always looking for sort of
a new perspective, new voice,
untapped edge at AH HQ,
that's Anarchy Hamster HQ. Jesus.
You've got a degree in
illustrative graphics and design.
What do you what do you make
of our products? Oh, OK.
So, uh, did you just do that?
Is that your work? Yeah.
The baby's done a massive
shit everywhere. Yeah!
It certainly has, hasn't it?
That's fresh
And what's the red?
Yeah, there's blood in the stool,
It's not a good time.
OK. Um
What else have you done here?
Oh, your mom. I did your mom.
Call Me by Blondie
Tim, Idris here,
at Leg Up recruitment.
Look, I don't know what you
said at that meeting, but
you've got the bloody job, mate!
I could kiss your face.
Call me back.
Tim, Idris again.
Not sure if you picked up
my earlier message, but
they want you to start tomorrow,
so do give me a call back, please.
Tim, it's Idris again.
I really need you to get back
to me about this job, mate.
You start tomorrow at 9 a.m.
So you don't want to blow it,
do you?
Think of the visa. Can you
give me a call back? Please?
So, actually, I heard your mum
was so fat
that she could
sell shade in summer!
Have you been looking these up on
the internet?
Yeah yeah.
And if she sat on a dime,
it would turn into nickels!
It's an American site.
You can't really change it
from 10p's to 5p's.
It's the wrong rhythm.
I'm going to put you here, OK?
This is this is Anne,
she's a deputy lunatic.
She just does most
of the new mum cards.
But this is the real boss,
Charlie. Charlie boy!
Hi! Welcome to Anarchy Hamster.
"I didn't know I had it in me."
Yeah? So it's a proud mum boast,
and it's also a joke on
carrying a child. Loving that.
What about, if on the inside,
it just says,
"I thought it was a huge shit,
"and I was right"?
That's just
I like that. That's Can we?
What about if we change
"huge shit" for "stomachache"?
Cos Anarchy Hamster, we're kind of
about responsible irresponsibility.
Listen, I'm going to have to go,
but I just want to give you
your contract for the job.
Sign it when you like!
It's just a it's
an industry gag. Oh.
Um OK. Um
Listen, I'm I'm just
going to say this.
Are do
Do you have special needs?
You know, like, for the work
station. Do you need
an ergonomical, adjustable chair?
Yeah. Leather. Leather. OK.
Salmon leather. Salmon leather?
And a bigger desk.
Bigger than hers. Oh, I see.
And a guide dog. OK. And new shoes.
Oh, shoes! Right.
Your shoes. My shoes?
But not those shoes.
OK! Anyway, listen,
I'm going to let you two riff.
So, um yeah. Get going.
Come here. Who's a good boy?
Hey, Charlie,
I didn't think we were
allowed to eat lunch at our desk!
Morning. How do you know
where I live?
It's written on your
job application form.
Do you have problems with
personal boundaries?
I do, I'm afraid, yes.
It's another of the burdens
I carry through life.
Hello. I'm Idris.
You're not an Idris.
So you must be Tim's girlfriend.
Who are you?
What? You don't think I can
do better than that?
I wouldn't go out wi'
someone THAT short!
Pfft! Be like fucking a garden
I'm not THAT short!
Where have you gone, Tim?
I didn't see you down there!
Hey! Don't you dare take
the piss out of Tim.
Oh, I wouldn't. I wasn't.
Oh, um, could you just
pick up that crap there?
This? Yeah.
Could you just put them
in the washing basket?
Er I guess so.
just out of curiosity,
why the fuck are you here?
Oh, just in the area, thought
I'd drop in. See
Also, I got a call
from Shaun at Anarchy Hamster.
Should you not be at work today?
Yeah. I'll go in later.
I love being a job guy!
Could you just grab that hoover?
Be good not to
Try not to be too late, though, Tim.
I don't want you to
get into trouble.
Honestly, I don't think I can.
We are a minority
Play well with others
From all your mothers
To give us pills
Give us all the pills
Mom, I gotta go to court
I think I'm on some kind of
quota scheme.
Probably means they don't need
to hire a transsexual.
Afternoon, everyone!
The morning post is here!
Say, are you Andrew?
Uh, no.
Could you give this to Andrew?
Thank you!
Here's your payslip, Philip.
Hey, Trevor.
Here's your payslip!
Philip gets more than you.
I knew it!
I know. I'm on your side, sister.
I think it's because he's a man.
Although it could be cos she's shit.
Hey, Anne. Any calls?
Oh, sorry, it's my mom.
Hey, gimpy!
Why haven't you been
calling your mom?
Oh, I got a job now, Mom.
No, you fucking didn't!
You never had a job.
Well, you did have that
weekly paper route.
It was supposed to be daily,
but at the speed you walk
I'm an office guy now, Mom.
I'm in the old 9 to 5,
doing the rat race.
You're not pulling any of your
usual Tim crap, are you?
Well, yeah, a little.
British people are so nice,
it's hard NOT to fuck with them.
You got your shoes on?
Totally. Put someone on the phone.
I gotta make sure you're OK.
Anne. Come on. Come on.
OK. Yeah.
This is Anne.
She's my office friend.
Hi, Mrs. Renkow.
Come in a little closer.
I want to get a good look at you.
Anne, be nice to my boy.
Make sure he wears his shoes,
because no-one wants me to come over
there and make an office visit.
All right. Bye, sweetie.
What do we say? I love you, Mom.
I love you too, honey.
What about you, Anne?
I love you, Mrs. Renkow?
Bye, Mom. Oh, boy!
Right, so jump in, people,
when you're ready.
Remember, in this room
there are no wrong answers.
Very simple idea for new mums.
OK, simple slogan. "Hello, baby."
Then on the inside,
"Bye-bye, wallet."
Oh, I like that, Anne.
I like it a lot.
But what about,
"Hello, baby.
"Bye-bye, perineum"?
You know, Anne, it's the part
between the baby-maker and the anus.
It just becomes the vag-anus.
Not appropriate. Not
Look, Anne.
I'm not saying your ideas are shit.
I'm saying novelty cards
are bullshit.
What do you suggest we do
instead, Tim?
I don't know.
Off top of my head
..get some self-respect?
All of you.
What, and they
still didn't sack you?
I think I might be a superhero,
and my superpower is that I
cannot be sacked!
Imagine having a job where you can
do fuck all and get away wi' it.
Yeah, where are you
supposed to be now? Uh
Looking after old Eileen,
on March Road.
Oh, she's got terrible
post-operative incontinence.
She needs changing
on a regular basis.
Colin Idris.
Could you be a love
and just pop round and see her?
Now? Mm-hm.
Well, I guess I do have experience
of caring for the elderly.
Do you still live with your mum?
It's kind of a lifestyle choice,
Is it?
Oh, Ruth. What?
You were right.
I WAS scared of getting a job,
but I've conquered my fear,
and I have you to thank.
Are you going to use your powers
for evil or good?
Evil. Yes!
Tim, do you want to step
into the office for a minute?
Just for a second.
All right. I'm coming.
Hey, Shaun. Hey. Annie!
My two favourite people.
OK. Um
I just I want to tell you that
I like and respect you, Tim, OK?
I think your behaviour, your whole
outlook is a breath of fresh air.
I love it. It's like
You're like a young Bill Hicks,
you know?
I just I love
But you've gone too far, mate.
Is it for selling your credit
card details on the dark web?
No! No, but I got I got
roasted with that one. But
..breast-feeding is nothing
to ever be ashamed of, OK?
No woman should have to apologise
for giving their kid the
greatest start in life. OK?
We're going to have to terminate
your contract, Tim? What?
Tim, do you deny saying to Anne
when she was breast-feeding,
"I didn't think we were allowed
to eat lunch at the desk"?
You're firing me for that?
Cos I really thought it was
because I took a shit in your desk.
It's fine.
It was a made-up job anyway.
What do you mean?
Yeah, you just hired me
so you could say you had one.
No, no, no. No. That's not
No, no, no Whatever, mate.
Bye, then!
Well, we've got you one job.
We can get you another one.
You shall not be sent back
to America! Tim,
why is it whenever I see you now,
Russell's here?
It's cos Tim is more than my client.
He's he's my little project.
Right, Tim? Oh!
And we are officially Team Tim.
The Tim Team.
Which one sounds better? Neither.
The main thing now is we need
to get you another job.
What do you really want to do?
I want your job. My
What? Yeah.
You help people not get jobs.
I can totally help people
not get jobs.
I actually work quite hard
to get where I am, so
Tim, you're Idris. Yay!
Idris, you are going to change
old Eileen's nappy.
Would you look at that?!
I've been Idris for less
than five seconds,
and I've already got you a job!
Very good. Fucking nailed it!
Ha! Pow!
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