Jerk (2019) s02e01 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 1

Are you coming into the UK
to engage in prostitution?
I'd happily take a rimjob,
but you look kind of busy.
Are you a member of
a terrorist organisation?
Do I look like a terrorist?
Actually, you do, a bit.
You look like you might have been
blown up by one of your own, er
..badly made devices.
Damn right!
I look like the worst kind.
I look like a terrorist
with nothing to lose.
Yeah, but obviously
you're just a dick.
And I can't be arsed processing you.
I could so have a bomb in this bag
ready to blow up a plane.
But you are heading off that way.
You, sir, are Britain's finest.
It is so easy getting
into this country!
Thank you so much
for helping me to the loo.
It's so hard to find
good help these days.
I'm back!
You thought you got
rid of me, didn't you?
Hoped. Hoped I got rid of you.
So how's life?
What have you been up to?
Tell me everything.
Just sitting about, wiping arses.
Urgh. Did you text him?
Did I text who?
Tim! Oh, God.
You're back!
How did you find me?
I linked to your Find My Friend on
your phone before you left, silly.
That's creepy.
You know, he's so rude.
No. It's just I like to.
He's in the presence of an essential
worker and he hasn't clapped once.
God. Sorry I didn't even think.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
We should probably move
to a bigger table.
OK. So whereabouts are you
staying then, Tim?
Well, I've had a little trouble
finding a place.
Well, er, my nan sadly passed away.
Fuck me, is this shit anecdote
ever going to end?
Er, I just mean she
left me her place.
It's not huge and it does have
a slight old lady smell to it.
But, you know
Well, you'll know.
Well, that's great,
I'll just stay with you.
Yeah, for for a few days,
that would be great.
Yeah. That's what friends
are for, right?
What's "friends"
got to do with this?
Good one.
Ruth, can you give me
a hand with these?
I can't, I'm inspecting to see
if Tim is going to live here.
Well, make yourself
at temporary home.
What is the plan, Tim?
So it turns out all I need to stay
in Britain is a student visa.
Nah, I don't think it's that easy.
Actually, yeah,
that would have been simpler.
Yeah, so I'm going to enrol in
college. Amazing, that's brilliant.
Yeah, I always regret my decision
not to go to university.
Whose decision?
The university's.
Cos I failed my A levels. TIM LAUGHS
But, er So what are you studying,
Tim? Psychology, or?
It's close to psychology.
It is
Pup puppetry?
Dude, I just needed a visa.
And, being differently abled,
you'll be eligible for
student accommodation!
I'll come with you and make sure you
find the right office if you want.
Oh, who's that?
Hey, Mom.
Hey, Timmy, what's up?
Not much, about to go to college.
I wish I could go back to college
again, get some ass and some drugs.
Oh, Mom!
Do you need some condoms? Don't be
getting anybody pregnant, OK?
Cos they'll come
out like you. Oh, no!
Did you try coke yet?
You got to get quality stuff,
make sure you don't get it cut
with those laxatives cos then
you shit your brains out.
And maybe, you know, you could get
somebody to blow it up your ass.
All right, Timmy, you have a good
time, huh? You enjoy yourself.
Bye, Mom.
Love you.
Love you, I love you
Like, what time do they close?
The website said five o'clock.
Yeah, we're not going to make that.
Let's just come back tomorrow
early in the morning.
And the latest madness.
Trans "athletes"
claiming their human rights to take
part in women's weightlifting
Wow, do you actually put identities
that you're scared of
in "air quotes"?
Answer the question!
How is it fair when you have
physically stronger men
taking part in the women's
Well, I'm sure you can
still watch it
..crying and jerking off
into a sock.
I I don't do that.
At least we know which direction
the Incel Society is.
That's good.
I mean, uh, what
a bloody saddo, eh?
Er, I don't think
I need your validation.
Hi, I'm Bobbiey.
Er, Tim.
Nice to meet you. You know,
I just don't understand
how people can be
so lacking in compassion.
Our difference is our strength.
I'm a white pansexual -
who's not attracted to women.
Bisha is Indian and queer.
Um, no
You know, it's so hard
coming out to Muslim parents.
But men like that feel threatened
by - God forbid - Bisha's story.
Yeah, I mean,
I couldn't agree more.
Er, I think minorities have
got so much to teach us.
Er, as carriers of white
privilege it is our job to learn,
not their job to teach.
That's exactly No, I
I mean I'm a big fan of the, er,
Hillary Clinton quote about
What, Hillary Clinton
the neo-liberal war-monger?
What, do you think I'd like her
just because I identify
as a woman and so does she?
I like your vibe, Tim.
We're heading to the bar,
fancy a drink?
Actually you know where
I can get cocaine?
Right, who wants a drink?
Oh, I'll get these.
Can you not handle someone
you perceive as a woman
paying for a round?
I I'll just have an orange juice.
Mmm. I'm not really sure
I'm comfortable
being the only one drinking alcohol,
surrounded by people
who identify as male.
Cocktails? Yes! Ooh.
I will have a me-too-garita.
And Idris will have consensual
sex on the beach.
You can like it,
he's never going to get it.
I actually wanted a pint.
Bisha, I know you're not allowed to
drink and we all respect your views.
We may all be drinking - you do you.
I just want you to know,
you are heard, Bisha.
I'm not really, not
Cheers to Tim!
What, is it 2015?
Why don't you just stab that thing
straight into a sea turtles eye?
Tim, er, needs them to
drink so it's
I think Tim can make
the decision on his own.
Yeah, it's just the paper
ones go all mushy. Oh.
OK, well, I guess if Tim wants to
use a plastic straw that's fine.
Sorry Am I still in trouble?
It's called moral relativism.
And as Tim is oppressed as a member
of the disabled community
Ooh, I'm not disabled.
Yeah, I I took the decision
to identify as able-bodied.
Oh, my God, I mean that
..that is
And I assumed traditional
body norms and mis-abled you.
Oh, my God, I need re-educating.
No, you don't.
Tim's actually only just
mentioned this thing.
It is not Tim's job to teach.
It is our job to learn.
I am so sorry, Tim.
I mean, is there anything
I can do to make reparations?
You could get us coke.
Er Yeah, OK.
So they think you're able-bodied?
Can they see?
And more to the point, Tim,
if you really are able-bodied,
you've got no excuse for your smell.
Ruth we're living in
a post-label society.
If Tim chooses not to identify
as disabled, that's absolutely fine.
Just like I might not
identify as a man,
that would be fine too if
if that were the case.
Oh, you're definitely
not a man.
But they sound like fucking idiots.
Ruth, come on.
Just because they disagree with your
world view doesn't make them idiots.
They are idiots cos
they listened to Tim.
They may be idiots
..but they are idiots with coke.
Hey, I'm knackered.
Idris, where's your bed?
Wait, but
Oh, look who's not clapping.
I can't believe I live with someone
so unappreciative
of essential workers.
I'm I'm exhausted
and I'm going to go hit the hay.
Hang on, where am I going to sleep?
Seems like a you problem.
Did I say you could stop
clapping, fucknuts?
I really think we should get to
the disability office, Tim.
Even if it is all the way up there.
Good to get your own place
wouldn't it? Both of you.
Oh, hi, Tim!
I'll see you later.
We're going to brunch
if you want to come.
I know this wild place
and I've been telling everyone
about my cool new friend.
They would all would love
to learn your narrative.
Did you get cocaine?
Yep. I have called a guy.
In that case brunch with you
sounds like a hardship worth paying.
So last night
I was reading about Malala.
Don't know if you What,
a woman who's decided to squander
her moral capital
and go to private school?
Yeah, I I read it,
I just thought,
"Where does this bitch get off
trying to lecture us,"
you know what I mean?
Don't call her a bitch!
You cis men really
need to stop judging.
OK, here's your coffee. Thank you.
Hi, mate, do you want me
to get you a chair?
Oh Why would he need a chair?
Because he's disabled?
What, you label him
because he uses a frame?
He actually identifies
as able-bodied.
Oh, OK, cool. Yeah.
I got you, mate.
But stools are
Aw, fuck it.
So, we have so much to do today.
Idris says I need to go to
the disability office.
Wow. OK, boomer.
Some friend you are.
Just think of all the narrow-minded
bigots we can challenge
when we tell them that Tim
self-identifies as able-bodied!
It will blow their minds!
I've got the whole day planned.
Dude, I'm not sure that I want to.
Oh, hang on.
It's my guy for later.
Fuck it. I'm in!
Are You With Me Now?
By Cate Le Bon
Come on, Tim, I think we should try
and get this accommodation sorted,
if you can just
What are you doing?
Hmm? Er, we're going to
the disability office.
Oh, Jesus.
Have you learnt nothing from Tim?
Come on, they're organising
an alt-right rally in the Union.
I think it's just the Lib Dems.
Yeah, fucking fascists!
Fuck this, man.
Being morally superior
is exhausting.
Come on, slow coach.
Yo, Bee!
Oh, there you are. What a day.
Yes! Oh, now it's time to party!
Be good to get out of
this oppressive environment.
You could, er, come back
go to mine if you want.
If it's, you know, a small thing.
You must be a hater
dem haffi pay for
go need calculator
I mean, could you turn
it down a smidge?
Could you turn it down a smidge?
No! Uh
Sorry, excuse me.
I just need to squeeze past.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
I just need to
get to the sink, thank you.
Oh! Can you keep
your party noise down?
I'm tryin' to fuck in here!
What? In my room? Is she tied
Are those my ties?
Oh, we did some great
stuff today, mate.
Look, I'm sorry if I'm a.
I was a bit impatient. I just
I've still got so much
to learn from you, Tim.
Oh, don't worry.
My dealer has assured me
that it's ethically sourced.
As is this straw.
Bottoms up.
Fuck! Er
Look. Well, maybe
Maybe we should
Do you want a hand there?
Help you, yeah. Here we go.
Thank you.
I'll just, er
Yeah. Oh. Oh.
What the fuck is going on?
Oh Come here.
Hold it steady. Careful. Yeah.
You got it? You got it?
Careful. Just take it easy.
Oh! Oh! Jeez, gone everywhere.
Should have blown it up his arse.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
That was £200 worth of gear!
What did you do that for?!
Whoa! Whoa! He can't help it. OK?
He's very disabled.
He is not disabled.
He is just another
able-bodied cis white man
who thinks he can do
whatever he wants
because he's got no lived experience
of exploitation or suffering.
OK. Come on, princess.
No, he doesn't recognise his own
bias, unconscious and conscious.
He doesn't realise he is part
of the systemic bigotry
of the failed capitalist structures
that are all just a facade.
Off you fuckity fuck.
He needs to de-centre his privilege!
Hey! I've finally got privilege!
Wow. That was amazing.
You know, I'd I'd love to get
some breakfast and have a chat.
I know it's it's not your job
to teach but it is my job to learn.
Nah, bruv, fuck all that shit.
I'm only in it
for the D and the coke,
and that queef wasted the coke.
And you're shit in bed.
See you tampons later.
I got an email. Will you read it?
I think I forgot how.
"Dear Mr. Renkow,
I'm sorry to inform you
"that, as you've missed
the application deadline
"for assisted disability housing,
"we have taken you
off our waiting list.
"Have a wonderful year."
Looks like we're going to be
living with you, Idris!
Idris, stop fucking clapping!
I'm trying to sleep.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode