Joey s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

Where am I taking you? Oh yeah, I gotta get some place.
It's my sister's place.
She was supposed to take me up but she's kind of all there, you know.
The address? Right, right, right.
So you're here visiting family? Well, no, I'm an actor.
I've been in New York but I got an offer to work in L.
A.
and I think it's time for me to take my shot.
Kind of scary, I mean I left my whole life behind but I think it's a smart move, you know, if you wanna make it as an actor, you gotta move to L.
A.
, to Hollywood! So what are you doing here in Dallas? I did have a lay over in Dallas! Oh thank God! Oh my God, Joey! Hey Gina! My brother, the star.
Days Of Our Lives! - Not any more! - Formerly! - Good to see you.
- I know, I missed you so much.
Wait a second, wait a second! You look different! I forgot! You haven't seen 'em.
What do you think? They're new! I went up 3 cup sizes.
The doctor was reluctant! Come on, touch 'em.
Let's get my bag.
I'll feel you up in the car, I promise.
Tell me about the big new job.
It all started when I got this new agent.
This lady is a shark.
And that means she's a good agent, not an actual shark.
I know that.
Yeah, I did too.
Anyway, she got me offers from 2 new shows.
Wow! What are they? Well, the first one is about a bunch of male nurses and I wasn't really crazy about that one.
I mean I've already been a brain surgeon.
I don't think my fans would buy me as a nurse.
They bought you as a brain surgeon, they're pretty understanding.
Doesn't matter, okay? Because the other show it's about a cop and I'm the star.
Also, it's for cable so there's a combination of nudity and swearing that I find intriguing.
I am so proud of you! So, how many bags we're looking for? Just one, the rest of my stuff is on a moving truck and I gave them your number, the company's called "Movers and Shakers".
They cost a little more but that name cracks me up.
Oh wait, that was my bag.
It's okay, hold on.
Sir, could you grab that bag? Thank you! They do get things done.
Wow! I think I like L.
A.
! I thought you and Chandler should have moved out a long time ago.
It's a very vibrant gay scene.
Chandler and I are not a gay couple! Hi! Hey! This is it! Your new home! Oh my God! - Yeah? - Yeah! Gina, thank you for finding this.
I love it! Good because if you didn't I was gonna lie and tell you.
.
.
.
Tom Cruise used to live here.
Tom Cruise lived here? Sure he did, honey! Let me show you the best part! Check this out! Sit up here and lean back.
Look over there.
Is that the middle of the Hollywood sign? That is the Hollywood sign.
I can see the Hollywood sign! And into that woman's bathroom! And now she sees me looking! Hi there! What's the matter? I just I can't believe I'm here, you know.
It doesn't It doesn't feel real.
And neither do those.
Gina Tribbiani, hairdresser to the stars.
Stars? It sounds better than hairdresser to mostly Dominicans firms.
Yeah, honey.
Come on up.
It's my Michael.
He's parking.
Say, what is Michael now? 20? Yeah, don't I look incredible for the mother of an adult son? It's the good thing about having a kid so young.
You rarely hear the argument for a teen pregnancy.
Michael is so excited to see you again.
Oh and by the way, told him I had him when I was 22.
I don't want him to think his mother is a tramp.
Uncle Joey! Hey! Wow! Man! I still think of you as a little kid! So much for these wings I picked up on the airplane.
Oh no! I'll still take them.
I was just gonna show them to you Tell your uncle Joey what you've been up to lately! Well, now that college's done.
I'm just doing some grad work over Caltech center.
.
.
.
for simulation of dynamic response materials.
Can you believe he came out of me? Actually, right now, we're designing a mock-up for an escape module for the international space station.
What are you a rocket scientist? Yes.
Oh.
So how do you like living at school? Oh no, I still live with mom.
Oh man! That is nice! Shut up! We have fun.
Tell him we have fun! We do have fun.
We have a lot in common than most moms and sons 'cause she had me when she was just 22, so? Yeah, 22, yeah.
That's why we had to change churches.
Michael, where's the lasagna? I left it in the car.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Look at that! So much going on up here he can't remember lasagna.
We are different you and me! So, come on! What else is going on? Well, actually, I'm thinking about moving out.
- Oh yeah, where? - Here with you.
What? I'm 20 years old, man.
I shouldn't be living with my mom.
Everyone at school makes fun of me.
And it's not like these are the cool kids, they're not quarterbacks engineers! But what do you wanna live with me? Well, huh, this may not be a big selling point but I have no money for rent.
And I mean, and also you're my cool uncle Joey, you know.
Living with you, that would just you know.
Yeah Break your mother's heart.
I know I know.
But it's I mean It's gonna happen some time.
I just have to get out of there.
Have you seen her breast? She made me touch 'em! Hi! Actually not that big of a drop! Not your first impression, huh? Well actually, I got my first impression last night I saw you are practising your judo? Ah, that wasn't judo.
I had a bee on me.
I'm Alex.
I live next door.
Really? I'm Joey.
So, you just moved out here? Yeah, yeah.
I'm from New York.
I'm an actor.
Oh that's so cute.
You think it's a big deal to be an actor; Everyone here is an actor.
What? That guy in that apartment actor! Actor! Actor! Porn actor! Really? Yeah.
He lives above me.
He's not the best.
So everyone else here is an actor, are you an actor too? Oh no, actually I am a corporate lawyer.
Wow! What is that? I represent greedy businesses.
I make the world just a little bit worse.
Were you on Days Of Our Lives? Ah, took you a minute but you recognized me, huh? I¡¦m wearing my Days Of Our Lives shirt, aren't I? Yeah, I did the soap thing, but I'm out her to move beyond that.
I'm actually a very serious actor, you know.
Romeo! Oh Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? That was Romeo.
Actually that was Juliet.
What? Romeo wouldn't have started a speech with "Romeo! Romeo!" I've done that for like a million auditions! Blue walls.
Scene C.
Take 2.
And action! And cut! I can't believe I'm on a set! I think like I could be networking.
Let me go talk to the director.
Must be pretty cool seeing your uncle starting his own show, huh? Not as cool as it would be seeing my roommate starting his own show.
Michael, about us living Come on! I don't think it's a good idea.
Why not? I don't wanna get between you and your mom, alright? I can't have her mad at me.
When we were kids, she used to torture me.
She hit me all the time.
She used to hold me down and force me to say "I am gay for David Cassidy".
Who's that? David Cassidy from The Partridge Family.
Really good looking The point is I don't want her mad at me, okay? I'm sorry.
It's okay? I understand.
All right.
Good.
You are not gonna believe this! The director thought I was an actress! Sure, that's because you got big fake boobs and you're crazy! I love it out here! Sunny and 72 degrees everyday! Wonder what it's like in New York.
Poor bastards! - Joey! Hey! - Hey Allison! Allison, this is my sister Gina.
Allison lives here next door.
- Hi! - Hey! You have very beautiful hair.
Thank you very much.
If you ever wanna sell it, give me a call.
Thanks.
I liked that girl, okay? Don't be trying to buy her hair! She could be the future Mrs.
Joey Tribbiani.
Or at the very least the future awkward situation.
It's my agent, the shark.
Hello! Hi Bobby! Right! And? What? Why? Yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
My show was dead.
It's not even gonna air.
Oh my god! Did they say why? People thought it was disgusting! Geez! you defecate on one corpse! Oh honey.
I am so sorry.
I can't believe this.
How can I go from having two shows to having nothing! You think you should have done the other show? The nurses thing? Oh no way! I mean my thing didn't go but believe me no one is gonna watch a show about nurses.
I'm here with Sam Baxter, one of the nurses on the new hit show RN.
and, Sam, I'm told that you weren't the first choice for this role.
Well, that's right actually.
The producers originally the role to someone else.
An actor by the name of Joey Tribani.
Well, wherever he is, I bet you Joey Tribani - is kicking himself.
- Tribbiani! Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself.
Hey! What are you doing here? I don't know, mom told me you'd be clearing out your dressing room today.
So I figured I'd come by and cheer you up.
What are you cooking? Spaghetti and meatballs.
It's grandma's recipe.
It always makes me feel better.
Mom made it for me this one time this one time I got a B.
I got a B once cheated my ass off.
So was today hard? Yeah, I can't believe it.
A week ago, I was a star of a show and now I'm the guy who turned down "nurses".
Which is strange because in real life, I would never turn down a nurse.
So what do you do now? I'm meeting with my agent later to try to figure out some kind of game plan.
Hey! they're making a new Indiana Jones movie.
Maybe you can Maybe you can turn that down.
Feeling more comfortable around your uncle Joey? This is really nice.
Thanks for doing this.
You know, if you let me be you're roommate, you could have this like everyday.
Michael, look.
You're a great kid and I would love to have you as my roommate but your mother will flip out.
I mean You're in! No! No! No! No! Oh hey Joey! Have a sit, doll! Thanks for seeing me.
Listen I know we blew it by turning down that nurses thing but I gotta believe there is something bigger or me right around the corner.
Listen You are living in a dream world.
Excuse me? That nurses show is huge! Everyone involved in it is gonna become insanely rich and is gonna haunt you for the rest of your life.
But my job is to keep up your moral.
I do feel better.
Look I'm a straight shooter but I'll tell you something else about me: I am the best! There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you.
I would throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion! I would pull off my own ears and eat them! That's gross! I'm gonna get you through this.
Next year, I am gonna find you a show that'll blow this nurses thing right out of the What the hell am I saying? Nothing's gonna top that! Hold on.
Next year? No, no, no! I need to get something now! Well, I've got nothing! Zilch! Zero! Nada! There's gotta be something! Well, they do need a host for this new entertainment show.
It's not really acting but it may work since you have such a tremendous head! I do? Oh come on! We don't have time for this! Thanks Bobby! Thank you! Looks like you got a big barrel on your shoulders! Gina! Where have you been? My audition is in half an hour! Sorry, I'll give you a little trim.
It'll take two minutes.
Any sign of my stuff? Have the movers called? No.
Stupid Movers and Shakers! I can't be mad at those guys! Hey do me a favor.
See if you can make my head look a little bit smaller.
I can't do this.
I'm too upset.
What's the matter? Michael said he was moving out.
Did he say who he was moving in with? - No, why? - Uh no reason But you know if you think about it, Gina, this could be a good thing.
You could have more time for your hairdressing.
Oh please! No much of a hairdresser anyway! I only started cutting hair because Channel 5 exposed me as this Southland most dangerous dental technician.
That was some damning footage.
I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him.
He's my baby! - Hey come on! - No, really.
I don't have much to be proud of.
But him, I did right.
I gotta take this.
What? Yeah.
I've got a lead on some blond hair.
And some good straight stuff.
Okay, we got a big problem.
I just told mom I was moving out.
She went crazy.
I don't know what she's gonna do when she hears I'm moving with you.
Well, let's find out.
Why didn't you tell me she was here You couldn't tell I was getting a haircut? You think I just walk around my apartment in a cape? He's gonna live here? Are you kidding me? Mom, look.
This was my idea.
That's true.
Sure, I bet you landed and right away he begged you: "Please get me away from my mother!" I cannot believe you would do this to me.
- Gina - Mom - Gina, wait a - Mom! - Gina Oh my god! I know.
I know I could eat a really big lobster in this.
Okay, Joey.
The audition is very simple.
Three cameras.
Each one has a teleprompter beneath the lens and a red light on top.
Whichever red light is lit, that's the camera you address.
The producer is watching from that monitor.
Geez! Is that a man or a woman? And your mike.
Okay.
Let's do this.
We have a roll.
Joey Tribbiani audition in 5.
.
4 3 Welcome to Hollywood minute.
I'm name.
Can I start again? Whenever you're ready.
Ok.
Welcome to Hollywood minute.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
and here are today's top stories.
- Well, even though she's on vacation, - Cut! Joey.
You didn't switch cameras.
Oh! Did the light change? Yeah.
Even though you're reading, you need to be aware of when the light changes.
That's really the best way to do this? Okay, let's try it again in 5 4 3 Welcome to Hollywood minute.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
and here are today's top stories.
Well, even though she's on vacation, Jennifer Lopez is in the news today.
More on that story later.
But first, let's check out the box office returns for this weekend.
Topping the list for the third week in a row Man! That is one fast red light! Topping the list Topping the list I know it's not that one.
Where the hell is it? Okay, Joey.
Thanks for coming.
No, no, no.
I'm getting the hang of it.
Please, Mr.
or Mrs.
producer.
I need this job.
I can do this.
- You're looking at the wrong camera.
- Damn it! Romeo! Oh Romeo! - Hey! - Hey! What's wrong? I I just blew an audition to host this stupid entertainment show.
- Was that even acting? - No! It's just following a really fast red light.
I'm sorry.
If we are both bumped, would you wanna maybe go and grab a bite to eat? Oh I wish i could, but I gotta go to the airport and pick up my husband.
Oh You're married? You didn't know? Didn't you see the ring? Yeah, I saw a ring but it's not on your left hand.
Yeah, it is.
If you say so.
hey Did you know that girl next door is married? I can't talk to that girl, she she makes my stutter come back.
Can I talk to you? Look, Michael, if we?e gonna be roommates, you should know there are gonna be times when I'm not gonna wanna talk, I'm just gonna wanna eat the spaghetti you made for me.
Well, actually, I'm not gonna be your roommate.
What? Why? I don't know I talked it over with my mom and she is Oh Michael! Don't listen to her! She's a selfish, crazy Okay, we need a signal for when she's here.
Come on, Michael.
We're leaving.
Gina, this is nuts.
He's a man, okay? He's graduated college.
He shaves.
He sleeps with women.
I I do shave.
Come on! You have to let him go! Oh yeah? You can hurt me all you want, he's gonna move out some time.
Not if I can help it.
Look, Gina, I know he's your baby but it's time to move on.
Change can be good.
- Oh it's easy for you to say! - No, it's not! No! Look Nobody understands wanting things to stay the same like I do.
I was happy in New York.
Okay? And I tried really hard to keep things from changing.
But everyone else got married and had kids and moved on.
They all changed.
So I'm giving change a shot.
And it has been hard.
But.
.
just hoping things stay the same it doesn't work.
You're smarter than you used to be.
I don't know where that came from.
You know he's a slob, right? You know how you like everything nice and clean and in its own little place.
There's gonna be sauce on everything you own.
I don't know how it happens.
Mom, that's okay.
If this is really what you want Thank you, mom.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna miss you.
That's all.
It's been the two of us for such a long time.
Well, now it's the three of us.
You gave your speech Enough! You sure you're gonna be okay? Gina, he's gonna be fine! He's old enough to move out! You were raising a kid when you were 16! How did I not figure that out? I mean I took calculus when I was 8! You're dead.
Gina, back off.
I don't wanna hurt you.
Oh yeah? I'm gay for David Cassidy!