Joey s02e22 Episode Script

Joey and the Wedding

And action.
I'm Hollywood tough guy, Joey Tribbiani.
When I'm fighting the bad guys I can't let a headache get in my way.
That's why I take Aspricin.
Doesn't that sound too much like "ass person"? No, we're good with the name.
Let's take a minute and come back to shooting.
Hey, Jimmy, what are you doing here? How'd you get on the lot? Look, sorry to bug you at work but now that Gina and I are planning the wedding there's something I wanted to ask you.
I want you to be my best man.
- Jim, I don't know what to say.
- I was thinking who I want by my side when I'm taking the biggest step.
You're my best friend.
Next to Gina, you're the most important person in the world to me, really.
I love you, buddy.
This is just the most incredible thing All right, we're back.
Let's take it from the top.
Go get them, Joe.
- And rolling.
- And action.
I'm Hollywood tough guy, Joey Tribbiani.
When I'm fighting the bad guys I I'm sorry.
I got it, I got it.
I'm Hollywood tough guy - Do you need to take a minute? - No, I'm a professional.
I got it.
And action.
I'm Hollywood tough guy, Joey Tribbiani.
When I'm fighting the bad guys I can't let a headache get in my way, that's why I take ass people.
I think it sounds weird.
- Hello? - Joey, it's Bobbie.
Great news.
You're gonna throw out the first pitch at the Dodgers game this weekend.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Bobbie, I don't know how to thank you for that.
Well, I'm 40 years old and I do need a baby.
How about this? Get yourself liquored up and meet me at the Peninsula Hotel.
I'll be checked in under Frederico von I get to throw the first pitch at a Dodgers game.
- Joey, that's amazing.
- I know, I love the Dodgers.
I just thought of a funny joke about how me and the Dodgers have so much in common.
Oh, about how you both scored a lot in Brooklyn? That's better.
Mine was just something about balls.
- Hey, Joe.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, settle something for us, all right? Gina and I set a date for the wedding.
We're doing it Saturday.
Real simple.
Just the family here and a couple friends.
Now, Gina here wants to do it at Applebee's, all right? But I think it's gonna look like we're putting on airs.
It's the one day I get to be a princess.
All right, I'm gonna stay out of this, but whatever you pick I'd like to pay for it.
That'll be my wedding gift.
Oh, thanks, Joe.
That's very generous of you.
Great, now you can forget about Applebee's and do something romantic.
Come on, I may have some old bridal magazines in my apartment and I can show you my wedding gown.
Oh, and for dessert, you could do a chocolate fountain.
Instead of chocolate could it be tequila? And instead of a fountain, could it be the biggest bottle ever? Joe, you're in trouble.
- Your girlfriend's got wedding fever, bad.
- What are you talking about? You saw how she lit up talking about the wedding.
- But we just started dating.
- Joe, how old is Alex? - Well, she's 30.
- Yeah, you're screwed, okay? There's this mathematical progression, all right? If the girl's 20, you got two years before you gotta talk about getting hitched.
If she's 25, you got a year.
If she's 30 she's already mad you haven't married her yet.
Okay, Jim, you're crazy.
Alex isn't like that.
Can you believe this still fits me? - Hey.
- Hey, just a sec I'm planning Jimmy's bachelor party.
It's one of my duties as best man.
- I'm sorry, what? - Yes, I said "duties.
" No, no, no.
Jimmy asked you to be his best man? I'm his son, he's marrying my mother.
I think it's understood, you know? Hi, yes, so I would like two girls and I would like them to be prepared to do anything.
Yes, I'll hold.
- That sounds all right.
- All right? It's gonna be great.
Color Me Mine's sending their pottery instructors and they will do anything.
Anything except make mugs with swear words.
Yeah, listen, about this best man thing I know.
I'm so excited to stand up there with Jimmy and my mom.
For the first time, I'm gonna feel like we're a real family.
- Yeah, that'll be nice for you.
- Hello? Oh, yeah, yeah, that sounds hot, yeah.
The kiln's gonna be 600 degrees.
Yeah, yeah.
- Hey, man, how you doing? - Not good, Joe.
I'm starting to freak out about this wedding.
Well, you know what? Hey, let's go outside and have a catch.
I wanna talk to you about something.
Listen, about the wedding.
You know, Michael's your son, so how do you feel about a co-best-man situation? Instead of a wedding, why don't we just have someone violate me with a chain saw? So you'll think about it? Michael's great and all, but I'm nervous enough as it is and the kid makes me agitated.
All right, it's your wedding.
Look, why are we playing catch anyway? It seems kind of gay, right? I mean, two guys, gloves throwing things at each other? What is your understanding of homosexuality? Very limited.
I'm just practicing.
I get to throw out the first pitch at Dodger Stadium.
- I'm really excited.
- Wow, excited? - I don't know, I'd be terrified.
- What do you mean? Well, I don't know, man, you know, pitching in front of 50,000 people? I mean, you screw up, everyone's gonna laugh at you on the JumboTron.
Be on ESPN, be all over the internet.
It could ruin your life.
Wow, that's a lot of pressure.
I gotta just put it out of my mind, right? It's just throwing a baseball.
- That's right, Joe.
Put one in here.
- Okay.
All right, I'm not crazy, that seemed gay.
I'm so glad you guys could make it to the bachelor party, you know? I mean, is this crazy or what? - Hey, Michael.
- Hey.
I got your message.
You're having the bachelor party tonight? You said you'd let me help you plan it.
Dude, relax, I've got this.
The woman from Color Me Mine's gonna be here.
- We can fire the mugs.
- Mugs? Oh, man.
Jimmy's gonna hate this.
You gotta clear these losers out of here so we can start having fun.
Seriously, Michael, 86 the losers.
Hey, the bachelor's here, yeah.
Is this the bachelor party? I don't know these guys.
Who invited them? - I did.
- Way to steal my thunder, Joe.
Oh, guys, I think the entertainment is here.
Come on in.
Hello, everyone.
This is the lady you get for me on my last night of freedom? All right, I'm in.
Come on, sweetheart, let's do this.
No, I'm just here to glaze your mugs.
Oh, we'll get to that, don't you worry.
- Don't you wanna dance first? - I'm gonna go plug in the kiln.
Yeah, you are.
- Hey, it's Alex and Gina.
- Can we come in? Here come the brides.
Hey, I'm sorry, I don't wanna interrupt the bachelor craft fair but we need to talk about the wedding plans.
I found a suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel that is perfect.
It is exactly what I pictured.
- You've been picturing a lot of things, huh? - Yeah, I'm so excited.
I found the perfect music for the procession.
And right before Jimmy and Gina, you and I are gonna walk down the aisle and Did you hear how that sounded? Funny.
Oh, yeah, that's funny because it's terrifying.
Joe, she's gonna have you married before me.
I'll tell you what, for your bachelor party, I'll find you a younger hooker, I promise.
Alrighty, things are really heating up back there.
Who wants to come have some fun? - Hey, you do couples? - Oh, sure.
Come on with me.
Okay, now we really need to start making some decisions for the wedding.
For the hors d'oeuvres - I told you what I wanted.
- Joey, "meat" is a little vague.
Just because you're obsessed with this wedding, don't start picking on the meat.
What is the matter with you? - I'm just trying to plan a nice wedding.
- I don't think you are.
- What does that mean? - You're planning our wedding.
How dare you? Drown out the fighting.
Paint the happy cup.
Look, Alex.
Hey, Alex, hey, hey.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have said it like that.
- Do you think I'm trying to trap you? - No, not "trap" me.
Just lure me into, like, a cage or a pit or something.
Okay, look, don't get me wrong.
I really care about you but I can't think about getting married now.
Okay, you need to relax.
If I'm going overboard planning Gina's wedding, it's only because it's my last chance to plan one.
What? Joey, I am never going to get married again.
Marriage didn't work for me.
So you have nothing to worry about.
As long as you're with me, you will never get married.
But what if I wanna get married? Joe, you gotta get back there, man.
We haven't done any of the sex stuff yet but look at this ashtray that lady helped me make.
I think things are gonna get weird.
You won't believe what Alex told me.
She said she never wants to get married again.
- You know what? I gotta practice.
- All right.
What is wrong with you? Joey, if you're upset about this thing with Alex, just talk to her.
Yeah, I guess so.
I'll talk to her at the wedding later.
I mean, if she can't even consider marriage, then what are we doing? Whoa, you're all over the place today.
I know, I'm so in my head about this Dodger Stadium thing.
- I can't throw anymore.
- Heads up, Joe.
- What's your problem? - What do you mean? Oh, God, I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
- Okay, where do I do my hair? - Right through there, Dad.
- God, I am so happy.
- You are the worst.
Yeah, I'm the worst man.
That's ironic.
Oh, wow, Mom, you look beautiful.
Oh, thank you, honey.
White, huh? Okay.
Gina, you need to finish getting ready.
I'm gonna go grab something.
Alex, wait, wait, wait.
We need to talk about last night.
You didn't really mean what you said about never wanting to get married, right? - No, I meant it.
- But that's crazy.
I know it's soon to talk about it, but what if I wanted that? Oh, please.
You're only saying that because I said no.
I know you.
You always want what you can't have.
That's not true.
You can't have this piece of broccoli.
But that's the one I wanted.
Hello, Joey.
Oh, hey, Father O'Neill, how are you? - You look worried.
What's on your mind? - Women.
They're so complicated, you know? What's the point of living without them, huh? Joey, get in here.
- What? - Jimmy's gone.
- He got cold feet.
Look at the note.
- What? This is the suicide note he carries around just in case.
- Yeah, but he changed some stuff.
- "If you're reading this, I'm already dead.
" "Dead's" crossed out and it says, "gone.
" "I blame the government.
" "The government's" crossed out, it says, "myself.
" He crossed out, "I hope this disgusting world is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust.
" And replaced it with, "I love you, Gina.
" - That's nicer.
- Yeah, that's a good rewrite.
Oh, man, we have to find Jimmy before mom notices he's gone.
Okay, I know Jimmy, okay? He is at the bus station.
- You look there.
I'll check the food court.
- Joey, you've done that.
We know he's not at Panda Express, Taco Bell, or Wetzel's Pretzels.
Sure, Michael, we know he's not someplace salty but what if he's hiding someplace sweet, huh? - I bet he's at Cinnabon.
- Whoa, there he is right there.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Guys, what are you doing here? We came to get you.
Jim, I understand you being nervous, okay? But you love Gina and she loves you.
This was meant to happen and you know that.
If you get on that bus, you're gonna regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely the day after tomorrow.
You're right, I mean, Gina's great.
Poor kid's probably back at the hotel, crying her eyes out.
I just left my groom at the altar.
Do you have any special fares for runaway brides? Gina? Oh, why'd you come looking for me? They came for me.
Are you telling me you ran out on our wedding? - You're damn right.
- You got balls, running out on me when I'm running out on you.
No one leaves me at the altar.
I bet I left first.
What time did you leave? - Two thirty-five.
- Two thirty.
Suck it.
I've been left.
- To hell with this.
My bus is leaving.
- So is mine.
Okay, Jimmy, wait.
Gina, no.
- What do we do now? - I'm not giving up.
I say we look for them at Orange Julius.
What took you so long? The guests have been waiting and Howard has been vamping for a half an hour.
You didn't find Jimmy? Gina's gone too.
I know, we found them down at the food place.
- Bus station.
- Right.
Anyway, I don't think they're coming back.
Are we ready to do this? I have another engagement afterwards.
You and me both.
I gotta be on the mound at Dodger Stadium in an hour.
Father, you're a man of the cloth.
Do you have spells that'll make me throw straight? I can't believe Jimmy and Gina.
This is such a bummer.
- I know, but it's probably for the best.
- How can you say that? Well, you get married, chances are Come on, Alex.
You don't really feel that way about marriage.
Yes, I do.
But this is a very special situation.
You're a woman and I'm me, huh? If I said I wanted to marry you, you would head for the hills and you know it.
- You're wrong.
- Okay, let's get married.
- Fine.
- Let's do it.
You're on, let's.
Father, there's gonna be a wedding after all.
- Did you find the bride and groom? - We got into a fight and I dared her to marry me.
I don't know if I'm comfortable If you do this, you'll never have to see me or any of my family again.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join Joey and this blond person in the bonds of holy matrimony.
Wait, Joey, what are you doing? I'm marrying the woman of my dreams, unless she backs out.
You wish.
Father, get back to the speech.
Forget that.
Skip to the vows.
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, until death do you part? I do.
What? Are you crazy? I knew you would back down.
I told you, you only want what you can't have.
That's not true.
I ate the broccoli and none of them was good as the piece you took.
I'm sorry, Father, we're not doing this.
Please, please, don't tell the pope, okay? Well, that's going to be difficult, Joey.
He's always asking about you.
Father, we're ready to get married.
- What happened? - Oh, it was magical.
We ended up on the same bus going to the same place - Tijuana.
for the same reason.
Pills and whores.
I love the way you finish each other's sentences.
- I now pronounce you man and wife.
- What? Yeah, I can do that.
- I think we just got married.
- I think we did, baby.
I can't believe I'm gonna finish my wedding reception at Dodger Stadium.
- Joey, you're late.
Where have you been? - At Gina's wedding.
- You were supposed to be there.
- Oh, that's right.
Yeah, I went because I cared.
It was lovely.
Tribbiani, we're gonna call you for your pitch.
Hey, relax, you're gonna do fine, okay? - Thanks.
- Yeah.
Hey, are we good? Yeah.
And I gotta support you.
You were one "I do" away from being my husband.
Well, I didn't like the idea of being married to you just because I couldn't have it.
- No? - No.
I also wanted it because you're the first girl I could actually imagine doing that with.
- Mr.
Tribbiani? - Yeah.
- We're ready for you.
- Okay.
Wish me luck.
- Okay.
- Good luck.
Go get them.
- Hey, good luck.
- Hey, hey, hey, wait.
About the marriage thing, I just want you to know that I could never say never to you.
Hey, you know what? I'm not nervous anymore.
I can do this.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
All right.
- You can do it.
- Go get them.
- You're the man.
- You're gonna be great.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, to throw out the ceremonial first pitch Joey Tribbiani.
Here's the wind-up.
And the pitch.
Nailed it.
Everybody, I think it's time for the best man to make his speech.
Actually, it's okay.
First I'd like to toast the best man.
- Wow, Jimmy, I don't know what to say.
- Maybe you don't say anything.
This was a very special day for my bride and myself and we couldn't have done it without you.
I admire you.
Great man, great friend and a great actor.
Most people don't know that about me.
My turn to say something.
Thank you for giving me this day, little brother.
I got the looks in the family, and the brains but you, you got the heart.
I feel like I need to say something now.
Who is this man and why is he staring at my breasts? Because they're perfect.
I guess I don't need to know who you are.
Well, I am very, very happy today.
My sister just married my best friend.
I'm here with the woman I'm just crazy about.
Who maybe someday way, way in the future might discuss marriage.
Slow down.
You're freaking me out.
I'm just glad to be here with you guys and feel lucky that we're all here to share this with you.
When I look around the room here, I know I got it good.
I love all you guys.
We love you too, buddy.
You got me again.
No, no, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry.
I'm a Hollywood tough guy, okay? You people are the best.
There is nothing that could make this moment any better.
Joey, I saved you something.
There it is, you did it.