Josh (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

Teabag and No Sympathy

1 OK, for two points.
Sigourney Weaver's uncle was a 1930s radio DJ.
But WHAT was his name? Buzz! Doodles Weaver! Oh, my God! You, my friend, are through to the gold run! Yes! PHONE RINGS Oh, phone a friend! Where did you find him? The most annoying set of twins since the girls off Fun House.
We're not twins! We don't even look alike.
Ow! Do you reckon Mike felt that? No! Do you think when you have sex, Mike feels it as well? I guess we'll never know.
Oh Wikipedia personal life, Gillian Anderson is divorced! Sorry I doubted you, you're well in.
Is her phone number on Wikipedia? You can just give her a ring now, ring Gillian Anderson.
No, no, I'm biding my time.
Slowly, slowly, catchy Scully.
And the condiments are balanced, he's done it! Oh, very good, very good.
Martha! Hello, my sweetheart.
I'll go and get us a couple of sparkling waters.
You're drinking two pints? I couldn't decide which I preferred, so I went for both.
So, still at the homeless charity? Yes, of COURSE! People need help, Josh.
Do you know how hard it is to sleep rough? I once had a futon.
Sorry, you think homelessness is a laughing matter? No, I realise it must be a very tough job, I do.
Well, I guess it depends if you think helping people is tough.
I tend to think it's pretty rewarding.
Seems like you've earned yourself a proper drink.
Today I worked with a 35-year-old man, whose problems with drink got so bad, he lost his foot to gout.
Just an orange juice? Never drink fruit juice from concentrate.
As always, Martha completely ruined the evening.
She refused to get me a vodka because of what the Russians did to Alexander Litvinenko.
Well, you can drink what you want this weekend, mate.
Teabag's on his way.
The party's about to start.
Last time he was here he got so drunk, he pissed in a Dyson Airblade.
I know, my hands were in the Airblade.
That's why I went home early.
He once drank so much Strongbow, he stole a horse.
A horse? I mean, that is why I won't be coming out with you! Anyway, got to go! Oh-oh! Shandy Andy alert! I'm exactly like you, Josh.
I'm a lightweight.
I genuinely think it's time pubs started selling quarter pints.
Yeah, we're like peas in a pod, you and me.
We're not like peas in a pod, Geoff.
Peas in a pub, more like! Till about half past nine.
I don't want to ruin the next day.
Geoff, are you done with the boiler? I need to talk to you about my room.
Yes! One pilot light ignited.
Geoff, one, hypothermia, nil.
Geoff? Geoff, please? OK, OK.
Oh, bloody hell, her indoors, eh? Geoff, we're not married.
Oh, is that what that means? I always thought it was because you were inside and quite annoying.
Seriously, Geoff, you need to redecorate my room.
Well, what's the problem with it? Um THAT brick wallpaper thing.
It's been like this since you moved in.
Why do you care all of a sudden? Because I'm bringing someone special back.
Yeah, but you bring loads of blokes back! Yes, I know, but Er, I do not bring loads Anyway, this one's an interior designer, so Well, I'm not paying for an interior designer.
No, I'm seeing one.
Oh, fantastic.
He can paint it for you after you you're done, you know It would be like that was my fee! Oh, well, at least £300 worth of work is a compliment if anything, Kate.
Can we please not discuss my rate as a prostitute? Well, you could redecorate it.
Let your imagination run wild.
I can always cover it up afterwards, it's what I did for the last tenant, yeah? Express yourself! I am.
By not lending a hand.
Oh, all right, trouble and strife.
I'm not your wife.
Is that what that means? Yes! God, I'm so excited about tonight.
At the shops today, all I could think about today was Teabag.
Do you think you're in love? No, no, no, no.
This is far more intense.
My boss's son brought his guitar into work today, he bashed out a note-perfect rendition of This Charming Man.
He's only six.
Wow! Yeah.
Yeah, I found myself saying to him, I said, "Listen son, "that's impressive, but it's not as impressive "as the time my friend Teabag drove a Segway into a lake.
" What? Yeah! Yeah, Tomorrow's World made the mistake of filming in Carmarthen.
We were only 12.
To be fair to Teabag though, he was absolutely hammered.
Oh, it's important to be fair.
Oh, that reminds me.
Teabag likes me to be up and running by the time he arrives.
Apparently, if I'm sober, I'm overly concerned about being arrested.
Well Teabag always says, if you spend your life worrying about the law, you're never going to get your knob out in Lidl.
That's the gravestone sorted.
Yeah, well, it was kind of exhilarating.
Oh, you didn't? Oh, God! A little tip Yeah, I've heard! No, little tip for you.
Lidl's CCTV only focuses on the more expensive items.
As long as you steer clear of the Lambrini, you can do what you want in there.
Teabag went down on a cheap ham hock for over five minutes, it was amazing.
Oh, dear God.
To be fair to him though, he was absolutely hammered.
Oh, and Teabag counts cider as one of his five a day.
He says courgettes are fine, but they'll never get him hammered.
God, I can't wait DOORBELL GOES Oh, it's Teabag! If I hear hooves, I am leaving.
Yeah, just be grateful we don't have a hand-dryer.
Hey! Welcome to the pleasure dome! Ah, come here.
Where are they? Hello, London! Teabag is here! Oi-oi! This is Teabag.
You remember Josh, and this is Kate.
Ha-ha! Beautiful woman and with a lager on the go, you're already on my legends list.
I've got a lager as well.
Drinking it pretty slowly, yeah? Hoping it'll evaporate, are you, eh? Only joking! Right, enough talk, Owen, get 'em out the fridge! Er, one, two, three, four lagers.
And what does everyone else want to drink, eh? I'm joking, I'm joking, yeah? But seriously, I'll have two cans, yeah? No problem! So, er, "Teabag".
That's an interesting name.
Where does that come from? Fall asleep near me and you'll find out.
No overnight bag? Overnight bag? I'm not an air stewardess! I've got all I need in my pockets, boy.
A toothbrush and eight condoms.
I've got to pay for my board somehow, haven't I, eh? So, did anyone see Virgins Say No last night? Yeah, I did.
No? Ah-ha-ha! Virgin! I can see his hymen! Oh, this is fun, isn't it? Yeah, you gonna join us tonight then, are you, Virgin? Oh, maybe next time.
Oh, good boy, good boy.
I'll hold you to that.
Now you're only about 50% virgin.
How is that even possible? Fingering? TEXT ALER Oh, my God, amazing news! Mike and Martha have split up! Oh, that's a shame.
No, it's not.
You hate her.
Remember when you gave her 20 quid to get a round in? She got tap water and gave the money to a soup kitchen.
Oh, yeah.
There much fanny at this soup kitchen? Er fanny? My second favourite part of the female body, after the brain.
Only joking.
I absolutely love fannies, I do.
I'm gonna go and meet Mike for a drink.
Oh, my God, it's gonna be amazing! We've got so much to talk about! No, wait, wait! Just, just let him do the talking, yeah? Remember when you and Natasha split up and I told her that it was weird that she was with you anyway because she was so much taller than you in heels? And then you got back together? Yes! Well, that was awkward for everyone, wasn't it? Yeah, it was.
Also, it wasn't that weird.
I just bought her flats.
She was still taller than you.
You should have just bought yourself some heels.
Oh, yeah, THAT would have solved the weirdness, wouldn't it? Either way, just keep your mouth shut.
Yes, OK, OK.
See you later, Virgin! I'm not a virgin! Once a virgin, always a virgin.
What does that even mean?! God, I loved her.
We all did, mate.
We all did.
Gotta be honest though, she could be a bit difficult at times.
I really hadn't noticed.
But you never know, maybe you'll get back together.
She deleted my number.
And recycled all our photographs.
She could be a little bit overbearing, don't you think? Oh, it's not for me to say, mate.
I wasn't going mad though, she could be, couldn't she? No, I don't want to talk out of turn.
You're my best mate.
I value your opinion.
She could be a little on the militant side.
Yes! What about the time she made me sleep outside for a week, just so I'd know what it was like to be homeless! Oh, God, yeah.
I had to survive on change she gave me on the way to work.
Didn't she get you moved on by the council? They confiscated my sleeping bag.
She was so bloody worthy! Oh, isn't she, God!? Did I tell you about the time we passed Toby Anstis taking a dump, mid fun run? No? She wouldn't let me take a photograph.
What? Cos he was doing it for charity.
What, the dump? What was I thinking? Oh, and what about her furry fingers? What about her furry fingers! Like holding hands with an ewok.
Oh, unbelievable! Oh, it's so good to hear this! Katie.
Oh, ha-ha-ha, here they bloody are, the boys.
How was your night out? Well, I'm down to four condoms and that toothbrush won't be able to look me in the eyes again.
Oh, it was legendary.
I got my head stuck in the railings outside Oceana.
Absolutely quality! I was fine though.
I just drank through a straw until the firemen arrived.
Yeah, reluctantly! I still did it though.
How was your night out with Mike? Oh, amazing! Should have heard the things he was saying.
He hates her! She was controlling, she was jealous.
She once slapped him because he thanked a female bus driver! I once thanked a female bus driver, if you know what I mean! I said to her, "You're used to handling something big "and red, so wrap your hands around this!" I was talking about my cock! I know, I got it, yeah.
Oh, it's so good to have Mike back.
We've booked a lads' weekend in Bruges.
Flying Virgin, are you? Won't be a lads' weekend if it's you and Mike, it's just a weekend.
We can be laddy! Last night we were discussing our problems between the sheets.
What, about whether he should splash out on some Egyptian cotton? I've splashed out on some!/ No, no, no, no, no! Josh! Rule one of the post-break-up chat, don't say what you actually think.
I mean, what did he say about her? Nothing.
Josh? Just that she could be a little difficult.
SHE SIGHS What else? Josh, what else? I might have said that she had furry fingers.
No! Ha! Furry fingers! Yeah, I said it must have been like holding hands with a mitten.
Ha! Legend! You are aware you're about to lose Mike? Your only friend outside this flat? I've got loads of friends outside this flat! See? Ha! PHONE RINGS Who's that? Well, it just happens that this time it's Mike.
What are the chances(?) Hello, mate.
No, absolutely.
I'll see you then.
Cheers, man, bye.
They got back together.
They're engaged.
It was hard work, but I think you'll agree it was worth it.
Presenting to you, your new love nest! Ta-dah! What the hell is this? It's your dream boudoir! Why have you done this to me? Why on earth would you think this was the style I wanted to keep? You didn't want to lose your feature wall.
I think it's what gives the room urban edge.
Urban edge? I'm not Biggie Smalls.
Um, sorry, I don't know what that is.
He was a rapper.
What, like, like like the Sugary Gang? It's the Sugar Hill Gang, Geoff.
Look, why did you Who are the Sugary Gang, then? I don't know! Baddies from a dental advert? Look, can you just please sort this disaster? I think it looks cool.
It looks like solitary confinement.
What are you going to do, get rid of the bed and give me a ball to bounce against the wall? No ball games in the flat, you know that! Look, Geoff, can you just get this wallpaper stripped off, please.
It's not me.
And for a designer, it's lights out.
And not in a sexy, "Let's get down to it with an air of mystery" kind of way.
I want it off my wall by tomorrow.
I think I know what a designer would like and wouldn't.
You're aware of my design background? What design background? I studied art for seven years.
What? Where? At St Luke's in Southend.
Although I dropped it when I moved up to secondary school.
That's not design background, that's childhood.
I'm a dab hand at making writing paper look older than it actually is.
You take some tea That does not make you a designer, Geoff! OK.
If you're not going to let it go, I'll tell you what.
We'll get some spray cans, put some graffiti up.
It'll look like you live in New York.
What are you talking about? My nephew Kevin, he's got a wall like this in his bedroom, right? I'm quite an artist with a spray can.
I did a massive great Lion Bar logo on his wall, it looked fantastic.
I don't want a Lion Bar logo on my wall, Geoff.
I can do Monster Munch, or Quorn, if you're on a health kick.
No! Well, how about "Geoff was here"? That would look like we spent the night together! Sorry, Kate, I have a rule about not sleeping with tenants.
I wasn't saying we were going Although if I did, this is exactly the kind of room I'd love to do it in.
Here's one for you.
For two points, what did Topanga do for a living when she left Boy Meets World? Yeah, er, Josh, you're going to need to apologise to Martha for what you said.
How does she know what I said? I told her.
Why? You've got to be transparent in relationships.
To be honest, we were both a little bit upset by your criticisms.
You had the same issues! Yeah, but I was on the back of a break-up, I didn't know what I was saying.
You don't have that excuse.
Why are you being like this? I'm not being like anything.
Look, we just feel like you can be a little bit of a bad influence.
A bad influence? I'm not picking you up on a Harley Davidson.
Look, just meet up with her for a drink, then you can apologise in person.
In person? This isn't Frost/Nixon.
I mean, look, can't I just text her? Is she on WhatsApp? Look, just suck it up and be a mate.
No, I have nothing to apologise for.
Look, if you don't apologise, Martha won't let us hang out.
Hang out?! We're not ten! I mean, what else is she going to do? Limit our time on the N64? No, I'm sorry, she shouldn't be making you choose.
Come on, I'm your best friend.
I'm not going to be forced into doing something I don't want to do.
I mean, if you can't respect that then, fine.
I've got other friends.
Like Teabag.
Jesus wept, there's two of them.
What is this? Virgins Anonymous? Haha! Good one! Hey, can I hang in here? Geoff is still decorating my room.
He's been going through his top ten skirting boards.
He sings the Top Of The Pops jingle in between each one.
Oh, I've had that conversation with him.
I seem to remember birch was a non-mover.
So what are you doing? Just choosing a shirt for going out tonight.
What? You dress up to go to the pub with Mike? Just to make sure you're doubly co-ordinated? I'm not going to the pub with Mike.
Oh, you're going on your own? No, I'm going with Owen and Teabag.
You're going to the pub with Teabag? Er, should I notify your relatives now? I think Mike is a bit more your pace.
Me and Mike aren't speaking any more.
Oh, bless.
Um, for two points, which virgin with no friends is going to get alcohol poisoning dressed as his grandmother's armchair? Well, if you're so concerned about me, why don't you come and join us for a drink? I can't.
I'm seeing my interior designer tonight.
I think I might really like him.
Oh, really? And how did you meet this one? Er, I met him in the Tate Modern gift shop.
And what were you doing in the Tate Modern? Er, just taking in some art.
Oh, yeah, which exhibition? OK, I just went to use the toilet.
but he doesn't know that.
I bought a book to impress him.
Which book did you buy? Top 30 Art Postcards.
Oh, I bet he is going to be putty in your hands! I bet you told him you like design as well, didn't you? Possibly.
Of course you did! What do you mean by that? Well, it's like when you dated that surfer at uni for two months.
All you did was wear No Fear clothing.
Er, not true! My beanie was from Fat Willy's.
So if you like this interior designer so much, why haven't you brought him back? Be honest - are you banging Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen? Why? Do you want to give him his shirt back? No, I'm not banging Bowen.
I'm going to bang an incredibly hot guy with incredible taste.
You know my rules on sleeping with tenants, Kate.
Before I forget, you didn't hear what my number one was.
I mean I've been caught having sex on CCTV before but apparently a speed camera was unprecedented.
I'm going to have a slash then let's get going, yeah? Yes! I'll need both hands for this job! Hello, toilet! Here's Daddy! He talks to toilets.
LOUD URINATION Has he got his hands on another horse? I've seen it.
You're not far wrong! I can feel it going through the pipes.
URINATION STOPS I'm not sure if you should URINATION RESUMES URINATION STOPS OK, I don't think URINATION RESUMES I don't think you should go out with Teabag tonight, Josh.
I need to make new friends.
It's either that or apologise to Martha.
Don't listen to her.
Teabag is the only friend you'll ever need.
Last night, he drank a Smirnoff Ice through his ear! That's not possible.
Er, tell that to TFL.
Ha! Look what I found! Anyone lost this orc? Oh! There's a mate for you, Josh! Oh, good to finally meet your boyfriend, Kate.
Well done on pretty much repeating my joke.
Well done on being a secret Warhammer fan.
I'm not a secret Warhammer fan! Not any more.
Yeah, it must have been the previous owner.
He had orcs everywhere.
The humble forest orc, the noble mountain orc, the wily river orc.
Is this another top ten? Look, Geoff, shouldn't you be decorating my room? It's all in hand.
Come and have a look.
TEABAG: That was incredible.
The colour of a Spacehopper and a similar consistency.
I haven't flushed if you want to go and have a look.
Oh, don't mind if I do.
I've been so busy, Kate, I can't remember a time when I wasn't stripping wallpaper.
Et voila! I've got these two done.
I'll have these done in a couple of hours' time.
Oh, brilliant, thanks.
I know you're meeting that bloke, so I'll make sure I let myself out in time for you to Don't touch my bed again, Geoff.
No, you're the boss.
Kate, please, just come for one or two and then after that Hurry up, Virgin! Those Strongbows won't strawpedo themselves! Please! Just one or two? Josh, you don't need to be doing this.
You don't see me out strongpedoing Strawbows and I've still got loads of mates.
Really? Who? Well, there's you guys, my brother, Mr Wong Who's Mr Wong? He's a mate.
What do you talk to Mr Wong about? You know, my takeaway order, how it differs from the last one Come on, Teabag, let's do this! Relax.
Never rush your first pint.
Enjoy it.
Oh, thank you, Teabag.
Oh, pleasure.
This is actually very pleasant.
It's nice to make new friends.
Here's to a laid back evening of conversation.
Three pints of snakebite.
You'd better not be flagging, boy.
Let's get them in us.
Drink it! Come on! Drink it! God, you're drunk! Special drink, there you are, Virgin.
What the hell was that? Drink it, drink it, drink it! Yes! Quicker! How is this place still open? It's eight o'clock.
Oh, my God, you've been sick everywhere! That's my shoes.
My mother bought me those, they were expensive! I think my favourite module was feng shui.
How did they set the desks out? There were no desks.
Of course! So this is me.
I love your coat, by the way.
Have you always had such a great sense of style? Oh, er, oh, yeah.
You know that trend at school, people used to knot their ties really short? Yeah.
That was me, I invented that.
Wow, wait, what? The stubby? Yeah! I know.
Still technically a tie.
Teachers couldn't touch me.
Ah, the perfect crime.
So um, do you want to come in for a coffee? I don't think you're supposed to do the quotation marks, but, yes.
OK, cool.
Come on.
Oh! Sorry! Who do you live with? Stomp? Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Have you got any paracetamol? No.
Oh, God, are you OK? I think I might be hallucinating.
Yeah, the previous tenant painted it.
Geoff stripped the wallpaper but didn't think that would be an issue.
Oh, my God, please tell me you brought Steve back? Yep.
It was terrible.
He couldn't muster himself.
Felt like the orc was judging him.
So when did he leave? Right after he decided to run with it and asked me if I'd role play as a centaur.
I do have some dignity so I just put my clothes back on and we called it quits.
How was your evening? Oh, worse.
I've never seen people drink like that.
Teabag considers wine to be a mixer! What did I tell you? They gave me a nickname, Kate.
They called me Princess Malibu because I spewed up Malibu in the first hour.
Why were they drinking Malibu? They weren't, I was.
It was a drinking fine cos I'd failed to cock one leg when I drank.
Well, why did you have to cock one leg? They had all these rules like pints with your right hand, shots with your left.
Owen's to be called The Golden Trumpet.
He's always been Owen to me.
I was hammered by the second round which incurred a fine, I then threw up the fine and got fined again! It's an unworkable model, Kate! Ah, mate.
Morning, Princess Malibu.
Morning, Owen.
Well, strictly speaking it should be The Golden Trumpet.
But I let you off because Teabag stayed at that girl's house.
The one from the hen do? Yeah.
I don't know where those bridesmaids stayed though.
Oh, um, by the way, he's now 100% convinced that you're a massive virgin.
Owen, this virgin thing's getting really wearing.
Oh, I know, but you'll find someone eventually.
No, Owen, please tell him to stop.
Last night he challenged me to describe a vagina.
It's harder than you think.
Mate, it's as embarrassing for me as it is for you.
How? Because I'm hanging out with a virgin.
PHONE BUZZES Oh, it's Teabag.
He's coming over.
He's ready to go on the piss again! Oh, no I can't take it.
It's like I'm coming back from Vietnam.
Oh, my God, he's cracked.
I thought he was the only friend anyone ever needed? Oh, God, it's like he's punishing us! You know I've been friends with him for years.
In school, his mum was friends with my mum, but you know what? I think he might be the devil, Kate.
Like, I've never seen him sleep, I've never seen him eat, and he's been here for two days and now that's on the wall.
Oh, it's all right, mate.
And you know what? Some of the things he says are bordering on the misogynistic.
Impressed you managed two nights, mate.
I feel for you.
You feel for me? He's your friend now too.
Look at that.
He's coming for both of us.
Do you know what? Once you've sold your soul to the devil, you can't just buy it back.
No, I don't want any part of this.
Well, he's your friend now.
And what other option do you have? You wanted to say something to me? I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
It's about time.
Well, I appreciate that, Josh.
I'm glad we got that sorted then so maybe Sorry, is that it? What? You're not going to tell me what you're sorry for? Just generally sorry.
Generally sorry? Whatever it is you're worried about, consider that apologised for.
Do you know, if you were actually sorry, you would tell me what you were sorry for.
You know, this is the problem with alpha males like you.
You see backing down as a weakness.
I'm not an alpha male, I'm barely even beta.
I'm a much lower Greek letter, I'm I'm zeta.
I mean, is there a zeta? That's not the point.
The point is I've said some things I regret, but you make Mike happy.
And I love that and I celebrate that.
Thank you, Josh.
I'm not the person you think I am.
I just want to put this behind us.
Do you know, it's really nice of you Just hold that thought, I'll be back in a second.
Teabag, this is not the time.
Oi-oi! Virgin alert! Don't lock up your daughters! Sh! Sh! Sh! What are you doing here? Owen was sick in the sink after one single Budweiser.
It was shameful.
Anyway, he told me my newest drinking buddy was down the pub getting on it so here I am! I'm not getting on, I'm not getting on it.
You're in the pub at 3pm, mate, you either work here or you're getting on it.
Hang on a sec.
You having a drink with Kevin Keegan or is that what I think it is? No, no.
she's just a friend, she's just a friend.
Are you on a date? No, no! Is she going to be the one to deflower you? No, she's not! Is she refusing to leave second base, is she? I see.
You want the Teabag to put in a good word for you? No, no, no.
I'd love to get on it with you but I just need to talk to her.
I'll see you next time you're down.
All right, say no more.
I'll leave you to work your magic.
You know, making love is nature's greatest gift.
Welcome to the team.
Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry about that.
I couldn't just No, it's really nice to clear the air.
Hello, my name is Christopher.
No, Teabag, what are you doing? But you can call me Teabag.
Why are you called Teabag? Fall asleep near me and you'll find out.
He likes tea! What are you doing here, Teabag? I just had to come over and tell her how amazing you are as a man.
Why would you do that? As a thank you for him letting me stay this weekend.
I'd have been on the street otherwise.
You did that? Yeah.
I didn't know you were helping with our work? Yeah, yeah, no, I am.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He has real respect for people, especially women.
I happen to know, for a fact, that he'll never sleep with a woman unless he'll spend the rest of his life with her.
Really? Teabag, Teabag.
He's saving himself for the right woman.
Is that true? Yeah, I just feel that true love waits.
I knew it! It's actually quite sweet.
Sweet doesn't cover it.
His mate broke up with his girl this week and that's all he's worried about.
Oh, Josh! Yeah, no, I really have, yeah.
Well, it wasn't a great loss though, was it? Oh, really? I mean, what did you call her again? No, Martha doesn't need to hear this, Teabag! No, Martha does need to hear this.
No, she really doesn't need to hear about this.
Come on, Josh! It was funny.
His mate was seeing this girl, and what was it you called her? She was worthy, she was stuck-up.
What else did you say she had? Oh, that was right! She had furry fingers! TEABAG LAUGHS Oh.
Well, that'll cut the heating bills in the winter, won't it? Unlucky, mate.
And the worst thing is, you made me waste water! Well, as I said, once a virgin, always a virgin! Only one thing for it.
Barman! Pint of Stella and a Malibu for the lady! Right, we're staying here till closing time.
And then we're finding a stables! MUSIC: This Charming Man by The Smiths You're drinking with your right hand! Forfeit! You've still got your watch on, you can tell the time in Bogota! Forfeit! You looked at the bar snacks! Forfeit! God, you're bad at this! I'm sorry! Apologising! Forfeit! Oh! God! Are you drunk? Yes! Double forfeit! Oh! Will nature make a man of me yet? When in this charming car This charming man Why pamper life's complexity When the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat? I would go out tonight