Just Good Friends (1983) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Oh! My arms are getting tired.
You're out of condition, Pen, that's your trouble.
We'll have a little float, you'll soon get your second wind.
When will you take your turn at rowing? If we change places out here the boat could overturn, I can't swim, so we could drown.
Yes, but I can swim.
Not with me hanging round your neck, you can't.
Run us over to that pub.
I'll treat you to lunch.
- Mind the icebergs.
- Aye-aye, sir.
Put some effort into it, Pen.
They'll be closed soon.
Ooh! That went in my mouth! Aah! - This is ham.
- You usually get it in a ham salad.
Yes, but I'm a vegetarian.
I forgot.
Never mind, Pen, it's only a little bit.
The size of it is unimportant.
I read that somewhere as well.
- I don't eat any meat, Vince.
- People in India will be glad of that.
Right.
You can post it to them first thing in the morning.
Better keep it safe, then.
- You're mad.
Do you know that? - They said Napoleon was mad.
But he made a lovely drop of brandy.
Graham phoned me at work yesterday.
- Did he? What he want? - He wants to see me.
Well, send him a picture.
He wants to discuss the divorce, some problems have cropped up.
I don't know what it's all about.
He's booked us all a table for tonight.
Some restaurant called Fieldings, it's in Lambourne.
Do you know it? Yeah, I know it.
What you mean, "all of us"? - He invited you, as well.
- Why? - I don't know.
- I'll sort his problems out for him.
- I don't want you there.
- But I'm invited, Pen.
You don't know what Graham's like.
It's bound to get nasty, it always does.
Your presence would only exacerbate the situation.
I'll just be there for moral support.
I don't want any trouble, I couldn't bear the thought of you being hurt.
Me being hurt? Are you kidding? I've got a cup for boxing indoors.
You've got a cup for boxing? Bet you won that in a game of cards.
Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
- Look.
I'm going to be with you tonight, that's the end of the discussion.
Well, I warn you now, it won't be easy.
Ooh, I can just imagine his creepy little smile.
He'll call me darling and hon and choochy.
Choochy? How'd you manage to get tied up with some zonk who calls you choochy? I don't know.
I suppose after you it made a nice change.
Oh, Vince, up until we broke up, my life had seemed like one mad whirl.
We were always at some club or party.
In those days, you were just plain daft.
- Not nearly as bad as you are now.
- Absolutely.
Then, all of a sudden, along came Graham.
One minute, I was engaged to a brain-damaged ice-cream vendor, and the next, I was married to a very serious and painfully boring estate agent.
I devoted six months of my marriage to watching Graham play sport.
Cricket, judo, badminton.
- For a while, I kidded myself - Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt.
But did you say he played badminton? Yes.
Yes, all sports.
Golf, judo, cricket.
And was he good at all of them? I really understand them, but he was captain of the cricket team, and he used to teach judo at some private club.
Did he? It took me a year to find out what kind of a man he was.
Cunning and unscrupulous, just like the rest of his family.
He was only interested in one thing.
Money.
Money and power.
But by then, the arguments had started anyway.
What were the arguments about? Lots of things.
Mainly his insane jealousy.
Jealousy of what? - Well, you.
- Me? I hadn't seen you for years.
No, but the memory lingered on, as they say.
The mention of your name would drive him into a frenzy.
He used to call me names.
Dirty names.
If we went to my parents' house, my mother would always mention you.
Cursing you, praying that you'd burn in hell, that sort of thing.
- Pleasantries.
- Yes.
I knew that on the way home, Graham and I would have a blazing row.
You became the target of all his hate, but you weren't around, so he took it all out on me.
I used to lie in bed at night and picture your face.
- So did I.
- I bet you did, Vince.
No, you know what I mean.
I know what you're doing is very gallant and chivalrous and all that, I don't want us to argue but, please, don't come to the restaurant tonight.
All right.
Good boy, Clifford.
So you're thinking of taking your old dad's advice? - What advice? - About travelling the world.
Oh, I envy you, son.
I really do.
Just Imagine yourself off in some far, distant corner of Africa, scaling the heights of 'Kilimanjiro', shooting the rapids on the Zambezi.
By the time you're 21, you could be in charge of your own leper colony.
- When are you leaving? - I'm not.
How many times do I have to tell you, travelling broadens the horizons? - I don't want to go round the world.
- Why not? It's boring.
Have you ever travelled the world, Clifford? Of course not, it's boring.
Oh, yeah, I forgot, it's boring.
If you're not thinking of travelling the world, what are you doing with my globe? My mate said if you spin it fast enough and concentrate hard enough, it makes you feel sick.
This mate of yours, is he a scientist? No, he just got the sack from the green grocer's.
As long as he knows what he's talking about, that's the main thing.
Here you are, Les.
- Do you want Doctor Peppers, Cliffy? - No, thanks, Mum.
What's he doing? Trying to make himself sick.
The things they think of these days.
You berk.
- I didn't do it.
- It wasn't his fault, Les.
He's been spinning it for half an hour.
So he gets the blame, does he? He breaks everything he touches.
My electric aerial's up the wall, the automatic garage doors won't work unless you kick 'em, and he's been fiddling with my home computer.
His bloody Pac-Man ate my deposit account.
Oh, leave him alone, Les.
You mollycoddle that boy too much, Reet, it's unhealthy.
What you mean "unhealthy"? He's developing one of them Oedipus complexes.
I don't care what's wrong with him, as long as he loves his mum.
Come on, Cliffy, I'll make you some waffles.
- You all right, babe? - Hello, Reet.
- Afternoon, number one son.
- Do you think he's all right? Course not.
When's he ever been right? Sh! Not in front of C-L-I-F-F.
He's got a piece of ham in his shirt pocket.
So? Stay here, Reet.
I'll have a word with him.
What's wrong, son? - Nothing.
- Wanna talk about it? - No.
- All right.
I'm listening.
Penny's old man's giving us a few problems.
After the way you behaved, who can blame the girl's father? No, it's not her father, it's her husband.
He wants to meet us tonight, both of us.
Me as well.
Yeah, I get your drift, boy, so where's your problem? The way Penny describes him and his family, they're nasty bits of work.
They're well-to-do in the property game, upper middle class, regular churchgoers.
Cut your fingers off for a bent ha'penny.
And? Her husband, Graham, has never met me, but he don't like me.
I thought you'd be used to that sort of thing.
This is different, he's some kind of black-belt judo ace.
I'm having a meal with a first dan who don't like me.
I could be doing a Fosbury Flop over the sweet trolley.
I see.
You're scared of him.
No.
No, I'm not scared of him.
I've always lived my life by one simple code, and that is: never wind Bruce Lee up.
I don't know what you're worried about, you have a cup for boxing.
I won that in a game of Brag.
He doesn't know that.
What do you want me to do, take my cup to the restaurant? Yeah, all right.
So what are you going to do? Well, I won't go.
Penny doesn't want me to be there.
She's frightened you'll get hurt.
For once, we're in total agreement.
Look, son.
Everyone gets scared at one time or another.
There's no shame in that.
A coward ain't a person who feels fear, a coward is a person who runs away from that fear.
But I'm not running away.
I won't even be there.
Now you listen to me.
I remember an occasion, many years ago, I'd just started out in the metal game on my own, opened my first yard behind Lea Bridge station.
I was doing very nicely.
Till one day, this bloke walks in, George Finbow, small-time heavy, used to be an enforcer for the Kray brothers, till they sacked him for being too aggressive.
He knew I was earning and he wanted his cut.
I'm like you, Vincent, I ain't never been a fighting man, but I had a straight choice.
I either paid him what he wanted and had him on my back, or I fronted him out, and that's what I did.
Huh.
I was scared.
Petrified.
But I stood up to him.
Do you know what? I discovered I had an inner strength, as if it weren't me fighting, it was another fella stronger than me, who had no fear.
Every blow was considered in a calm and clinically violent way.
George Finbow never came near or by that yard again.
- All right? - Well, were you hurt? Hurt? Three months in a convalescent home, 18 months before I could walk without a stick.
Yeah, well, thanks for talking to me, Dad.
There were four of them, what chance did I have? You can have all the inner-strength going.
But the bloke with the gang will always win.
What I'm trying to say is, sometimes you win by losing.
You're telling a bookmaker you win by losing? You know what I mean.
Think about it, son.
- Oh, and Vincent? - Yeah? You've got a lump of ham in your pocket.
- So? - Nothing.
Les! Cliffy's been ill on the drive.
Hello.
Choochy.
Hello, darling.
Please.
Sit yourself down.
There's a good girl.
I'll order us a drink.
Thank you.
- A gin and tonic, please.
- Two white wines, please.
Well, how's my little choochy these days? I don't know.
How is your little choochy? What? Don't call me choochy.
You make me sound like a panda.
I've always called you choochy, Choochy.
- And it's always made me squirm.
- Oh, don't be silly.
I'm not being silly, don't call me choochy.
- What would you like me to call you? - I answer to Penny.
All right, hon.
- I must say, you're looking very well.
- Thank you.
Has anyone ever told you you're a very handsome woman? No, oddly enough nobody has ever told me that.
What do you mean handsome? Well, you have a very good complexion, clear eyes Yes, and look at my teeth.
I sprained a fetlock earlier in the season, but I seem to be over that now.
We haven't met for over a year, so why are you being so hostile? I am not being hostile, I'm not in a very good mood.
I understand, Choochy, it's that funny old time of the month again.
I should have guessed.
- Oh God, you are - Wine, madam.
Sir.
- You can bring us the menus now.
- Of course, sir.
I'm not very hungry.
Not hungry? This is a vegetarian restaurant, darling.
Yes, I know it's a vegetarian restaurant, Graham.
I noticed the vegetables when I came in.
- I've become a vegan.
- Really? It means I eat no animal products whatsoever.
- No eggs, no milk - Yes, I know what a vegan is.
Of course you do, darling.
I take it you still are a vegetarian? Yes No.
No, I'm not.
No, I eat meat now.
In fact, I eat nothing but meat.
I'm totally carnivorous these days.
I like steaks and chops and cutlets, but my favourite of all is rare roast beef.
I must have consumed an entire herd in the last 12 months.
.
- Oh, and bacon sandwiches.
- Oh! Billions and zillions of greasy bacon sandwiches.
If it hasn't got blood and animal fats in it, I don't eat it.
Ooh, I feel quite ill now.
If you persist in pumping the poison from animals' flesh into your body, you will feel ill.
A waste of time, trying to re-educate you.
- Madam.
Sir.
- Oh.
You may as well wait, we'll order now.
- How are you parents keeping? - Fine, thank you.
Yes, Daphne sounded well on the phone the other week.
How's your mother? - Not too good, her leg's come back.
- Oh, I am sorry.
The doctor said there's not much he can do, just drain it once a week.
- What are you having, hon? - Nothing.
You must have something.
I'll have the walnut stuffed cabbage rolls with the braised celery, the glazed turnips with the beetroot puree, and the pears in red wine to follow.
Darling? Jacket potato, please.
- Well, now, Choochy - Just a minute.
What did you mean by "Daphne sounded well on the phone"? - You called my mother? - No.
She called me.
We often have chats.
I like to be kept posted.
- About what? - About you, darling.
Oh, so I suppose this is how you found out about Vince? Yes.
And I don't approve, Choochy.
Tough titty, Graham.
If you call me Choochy once more, I'll pour your beetroot puree all over your stupid head.
I don't know how you can even look at the worm, let alone anything else.
What's that supposed to mean, "anything else"? Nothing.
Is he the kind of man to stand by you? It's got nothing to do with you.
I notice he didn't turn up tonight.
There again, I didn't really expect him to.
I suppose you told him about my sporting interest and he got frightened I might put an arm lock on him, or slap his pretty little face.
He is not frightened.
Vincent has never run away from anything in his entire Entire life.
Don't worry, hon, a lot of people would've thrown the wedding in your face, but not me.
Nine sixes, 18 fours.
I won the match with a little tickle to fine leg.
Gosh.
It was forty for six when I took the crease.
You're wondering why I was batting so far down the order.
I couldn't care less if you paid me.
I'm their best opening bat by far, but I'd been carrying a rather painful thigh strain.
Good.
Look, Graham, we are in the middle of a divorce, a divorce that has suddenly developed problems.
Now, will you please tell me what these problems are, then I can leave? All right, darling, if you must have it.
Mummy, as you know, is a devoutly religious person, and she is finding it increasingly difficult to resign herself to our forthcoming divorce.
She seems to have got it into her head that I'm to blame, that I'm letting down the name of the family by agreeing to this divorce.
She feels so strongly about it, she's threatening to cut me out of her will.
Oh, I get it.
You can see all that money slipping through your clammy fingers.
- Yes.
- I wouldn't worry about it.
In time she'll get over it and put your name back in the will.
That's the problem, Choochy, there may not be that much time.
We've had a nod and a wink from the doctor.
I don't believe you said that.
Don't get me wrong, it came as a great shock, but the old girl's had a good innings.
Yes.
Well, I'm afraid there's little I can do to help.
- Oh, but there is.
- How? If the position was reversed so that a divorce would save the good name of the family, if I, the innocent party, were placed in such an intolerable situation that there was no other course of action but a divorce, I'm sure Mummy would come round to my way of thinking, to avoid the scandal, you understand.
Scandal! But there isn't any scandal, we simply agreed to part.
All it would take, darling, is a simple rewording on our papers.
Instead of us agreeing to divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences, I divorce you, on the grounds of adultery.
Adultery! If I tell Mumsy that I've kept quiet to save you from embarrassment, and you go to your solicitor and sign an affidavit to that effect.
Just who am I supposed to have committed adultery with, Vince? He seems a strong candidate.
Oh.
You've got it all worked out, haven't you? There's just one flaw in your planning.
- It isn't true.
- Choochy.
Tch, tch, tch.
I swear to you that Vince and I have not become lovers.
I knew you wouldn't like my scheme, so to make sure I was on solid ground, I took the precaution of hiring a little chap from Romford.
A private detective.
You mean, somebody's been following me? He didn't do much following, you made it so easy for us.
About a month ago, Daphne happened to mention that she and your father were going to Bournemouth for a weekend, so I got my little chap to hang around outside your house and sure enough, you and Vince came up trumps.
Needs must when the devil drives, eh? All you have is the word of a man in your pay.
I've a little more than that, darling.
The biggest mistake I ever made was marrying you.
No, Choochy.
The biggest mistake YOU ever made was leaving me.
Well, if I'm not mistaken, it's Vincent.
Yes, but how do you know, you've never seen him before.
Must be some sort of sixth sense.
Waiter, would you take another order, please? - I didn't think you were coming.
- I wasn't.
I had a chat with my father, it made me feel peckish.
Vince, don't do anything that I'll feel sorry for in the morning.
- I'm not going to start trouble.
- I mean, don't say anything stupid.
What do you take me for, an idiot? Graham.
this is Vince.
Vince, Graham.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- I suppose it must be.
- Would you like to order, sir? - I'll have a hamburger, please.
This is a vegetarian restaurant, sir.
You can't do me a hamburger? Sorry.
Have you got anything like a hamburger? I'm afraid not.
Have you ever tried Fennel à la Grecque? Once, and I was up all night with it.
I'll have a large vegetarian brandy.
I'm a vegan.
You'd never guess it.
Do you know what a vegan is, Vince? He knows what a vegan is, don't you? Absolutely.
I never missed an episode of Star Trek.
I'm just popping out to the little boys' room, give you two a chance to talk.
While I'm gone, perhaps you'd like to run your eyes over that, Choochy.
Never missed an episode of Star Trek.
He's very easy to hate.
- He wants me to admit adultery.
- With me? Yes, of course with you, who else could I admit it with? - He can't prove a thing.
- Yes, he can.
He knows about our weekend together.
He had a private detective outside the house, watching.
But we had the curtains pulled.
This is one man's word.
He needs more evidence than that.
How about a picture of you and me standing semi-naked at my window? Yeah, that's more like it.
God! Do you remember that man with the camera? We thought he was an estate agent taking a picture of next door.
Look at my hair! It's such a mess.
Good one of me, though.
Did you know he was taking this picture? - Of course I didn't.
- But you're smiling.
I had a lot to smile about.
Why did you have to come to the window at that moment? You said, "Come over to the window, there's a guy with a camera.
" I wasn't to know what he was.
- Oh, my hair! - It still doesn't prove anything.
Doesn't prove anything? I am wearing nothing but a towel, you are wearing nothing but You are wearing nothing! I have a friend in a photographic studio, I'd like to show him this.
You think the picture may have been tampered with? No, I'd just like to show him.
This is no time for your moronic jokes.
Sorry, Pen, sorry.
I tell you what, let's try and think of an excuse.
You can keep that one, for the family album.
- I've got the negatives.
- This is blackmail.
- Oh, let's not call it that.
- But that's what it is.
Oh, all right, we'll call it blackmail.
Whatever happens, I don't want this thing being produced in court.
- What would it do to my mother? - Produce it, see if we care.
Just stay out of this, Vince! All right, Graham.
You win.
I'll make arrangements with my solicitor first thing in the morning.
I knew you'd see it my way, Choochy.
There'll be no need, Pen, Graham's about to see the light.
Graham, I don't like you.
The feeling's mutual, chummy.
Vince.
It's not because you're smarmy and creepy and your breath smells.
It's because you're hurting Penelope, and I don't like people who hurt her.
You can't have a very high opinion of yourself, then.
- And you've got a smart mouth.
- Vince, please.
Now, either you start behaving like a gentleman, or I'm going to take you outside and teach you some manners.
Er, he's been out on the river today, the sun's been at his neck.
So, what's it to be, Graham, apologise to Penny, or step outside with me? I do believe he's serious.
Is he mad? Yes.
Completely.
Has Penny told you I'm a black belt in judo? - Yes.
- I could maim you for life.
You won't have time, Graham.
You'll be laid out like a carcass before you can say, "Mitzi-bushi.
" Are you coming out to fight? Nothing would give me greater pleasure.
Oh, but now, Vince, please, stop it.
Pen, will you make a phone call? Book him a bed near the window in Intensive Care.
Wait a minute, just explain one thing to me.
I'm a skilled exponent of one of the martial arts, and you're not? - Correct.
- Then why do you want to fight me? Because you've put me in a bad mood, Graham.
Now, come on.
I'm beginning to lose my patience.
This is silly.
Grown men behaving like this.
I've changed my mind, I don't want to fight.
I do, now get up and get out.
I haven't had my coffee.
You shouldn't take liquids before an operation.
This whole thing's gone too far.
It's been a misunderstanding from start to finish.
It wasn't my idea, my solicitor told me to do it.
You instruct him, Graham, not the other way round.
Yes, you're right, Choo Penny.
I'll phone him up as soon as I get back.
Give him a rollicking.
Forget about this evening, it's over and done with.
What about your mother and the will? I'll find a Swiss clinic, try and get another couple of years out of her.
Did I hear you say "sorry"? No.
Sorry, darl Penny.
You're hear no more, you have my word.
And I have your address.
Yes.
As I say, I didn't want anything to do with it in the first place.
Well, bye for now, Penny.
Bye.
Bye, Graham, it was nice meeting you.
Oh, and Graham, haven't you forgotten something? Oh.
Yes.
Well, bye.
Graham.
Take good care, now.
Did you really do that? What? Frighten Graham.
I think it was me.
Have you any idea what he could have done to you? You don't know, do you? What's more, you don't even care.
- Pen.
- Hmm? I can't move.
So, well, where is he, Vincey? His bottle went.