Just Shoot Me! (1997) s02e01 Episode Script

The Experiment

[***] We now have a crisis on our hands.
Dennis, what's the update? Still no word on where your bagel is But the deli said somebody did leave an hour ago.
It's one block away.
What are they doing, rolling it here? Well, I was saving my breakfast until later, but I don't mind sharing.
Dad, I think I saw some muffins in the kitchen.
Muffins aren't breakfast.
They're cake in a doily.
Man, when this guy gets here, I'm gonna rake him over the coals.
Bagels.
Hope I'm not late.
No, of course not.
I got lost, and then I got really hungry, so I ate your bagel.
And when I went back to get another one, it was time for my break.
Don't worry.
Happens to me all the time.
Here you go.
Oh, a 20.
Oops.
I forgot change.
Well, then, you'll just have to keep it, won't you? Oh, hey, thanks.
And I'll need you to sign this.
Oh, wait.
That was my old job.
Sweet girl.
Tasty treat.
Are you as amazed as I am? Hardly.
That's why they call it the Miracle Bra.
I was referring to the raking my father just gave the bagel girl.
I wish he would yell at me like that.
I could use the money.
She had a good excuse.
Yeah, that she was pretty.
I suppose her eyes did have a certain warmth, not unlike a New England sunrise.
And don't get me started on that ass.
Maya, I wasn't nice to her because she was pretty.
I was nice to her because I'm starving and I finally got my muffin.
It's just so unfair that beautiful people get all the breaks.
Oh, my God.
Not the cheerleader tryout story again.
It's true.
They get out of speeding tickets, they land better jobs Now, let's not get carried away.
Looks might help with trivial stuff, but an important job, no, sir.
No.
That's when a little thing called "nepotism" kicks in.
Hey, hey, wait.
This would make a great article.
I know.
I'll take two guys and send them up for the same job one guy, gorgeous but completely unqualified, the other one, plain-looking but perfect for the position.
I bet they go for the gorgeous.
And you know why? Because the world places too much importance on looks.
Maya, how did you get to be so cynical? Hey, check out this girl.
Do you think her shins are too long? What a waste.
You people are so screwed up.
Oh, no.
What's today's sermon? She thinks that beautiful people get unfair advantages in the job market, but I have to disagree, since I certainly didn't rise to the top just because of my looks.
No.
You get there because you slept around.
I resent that.
I slept around because I was promiscuous, not ambitious.
You people are all warped.
I mean, Dad the bagel girl and the new wife every 10 years, and you-- you are so obsessed with your looks, you fell in the reflecting pool at Lincoln Center.
I resent that.
I wasn't vain.
I was drunk.
And, Elliott, when was the last time you dated a woman who wasn't absolutely perfect? Rachel Farrell.
November's cover girl? Her belly button's an outie.
What a waste.
Uhh! Jack, your bubbly baby bungalow has arrived.
Finally.
Hannah is gonna love this.
You ordered that? Don't sound so surprised.
This time, I'm gonna be a hands-on parent.
Dennis, have someone in maintenance put this together.
Check.
Wait.
You know what might be even more hands-on? Actually using your hands.
Fine.
I'll call maintenance.
No.
I meanput it together yourself.
Ha ha ha.
Like that'll ever happen.
This guy couldn't dial information if you spotted him the 4.
Uh, Maya, um there's a Dr.
Handsome and Mr.
Hyde in your office.
You know, Finch, they're people.
They deserve respect, you little freak.
I can do this.
I mean, how hard is it to assemble a few pieces of plastic? I'll cancel the rest of your week.
Hi.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Maya Gallo.
Neil Loemann.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks for doing this.
And you must be Yow.
UmDerek.
I thought this would be good practice for my acting career.
Right.
So, do you two have any questions? Yeah.
Which one of us is supposed to be the handsome guy? My agent said I was.
Great.
Um so I have you two going in for interviews at a telemarketing firm.
Do you have your resumes? Here you go.
I got rid of the modeling stuff, like you asked me on the quote-unquote "telephone.
" "Gap store.
Liaison between denim and cash register.
" And I see you've misspelled "denim," "liaison," and "register.
" Way to go with "cash," though.
I could fix those.
No.
It's perfect.
Neil? Here you go.
"Undergrad, Columbia, "Masters degree in marketing from London School of Economics.
" Oh, England Voted best teeth in my graduating class.
Hey, me too.
Hey, Nina, have you seen the proof sheets for those Ungaro layouts? No.
I got 'em.
Aah! Don't ever do that.
What? Do what? Pop up like that.
Like this? Don't! I'm serious.
It's not cool.
Finch, you're trembling.
Yeah, well, you would, too, ifforget it.
What are you talking about? I don't like things that pop up, okay? Aw, you're kidding, right? Finch, if something's wrong-- Ah.
Forget it.
You'll laugh.
No.
No, we won't.
Right, Elliott? I might.
Uhh.
Please, go ahead.
It's not really a big deal, it's just that, uh never mind.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
When I was 6, my parents hired a Jack-in-the-box to come to my birthday party.
Sounded like a great idea.
Lots of fun, big surprise.
Anyway, all my friends are there, pops up, scares the hell out of me, and I, you know, ruin my pajamas.
So now just the idea of a Jack-in-the-box freaks me out.
So go ahead and laugh.
It's funny.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Are you gonna be okay? YesI'll be fine.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
What? Would it be mean if we used this highly sensitive information to play a little practical joke? Oh, I don't know.
I mean, the poor guy-- We? We could hire someone, put him in a Jack-in -the-box costume and pop the weasel out of Finch.
We? Oh, Elliott, you've never once let me be part of one of your office pranks.
Are you sure you're up to it? Well, I can be quite the prankster.
I remember once years ago, I roomed with Twiggy, and she loved a particular kind of mint.
Well, one day when she was out buying some, I slept with her boyfriend.
Well, actually, maybe it wasn't so much a prank as a betrayal of our friendship.
That's awful.
I know.
Welcome aboard.
Hey, Jack, you gonna pick up line one? It's your broker.
Tell him I'll call him back.
He says it's urgent.
I'll give him a buzz after lunch.
Aww.
You glued your hands to the desk, didn't you? Hey, Neil, how'd it go? I think it went pretty well.
Personnel director said I was the most qualified candidate she interviewed.
She said I'm a shoe-in.
Wow.
Maybe you'll get the job.
Maybe the world isn't as shallow as I thought.
Somebody's never been to Vegas.
Hey, listen, if you're not busy later, i know this great restaurant in Little Italy, and-- actually, just north of Little Italy, which I guess would make that Little Switzerland, you know? Oh, hey, that is really nice, but I kind of have this rule against dating people on the job.
It's sort of a journalistic ethic sort of thing.
Hey, I know where this is going, and I'm not gonna let you quit your job, all right? You're too good.
I'm just gonna walk out this door while you still have your dignity, all right? Scissors.
I'm gonna do this thing if it kills me.
"With a pair of shears, cut the plastic backdrop in half.
" "Diagonally.
" Shiny.
You're inviting the entire magazine? This is my first practical joke, and I want everything to be perfect right down to the catering.
Well, I've rented the Jack-in-the-box costume and hired an actor to play it.
Oh.
This is gonna be so great.
What are you guys talking about? Uh my friend, uh, Betty.
Yeah? What about her? Well, it seems that her Chihuahua, Ferdinand is just mad for paté, so much so that at a recent Junior League luncheon, Ferdinand, who was stowed away in her Louis Vuitton fanny pack-- Hey, wait.
I just remembered something.
You're boring, and my legs work.
Derek, hi.
I got the job.
You did? You would have been so impressed.
I got through the whole thing without even giggling.
I knew it.
I knew they'd give you the job.
Good-looking people get all the breaks.
Do you want to go out? Excuse me? You know, like dinner or something to eat.
With me? Yeah.
I think you're really cute.
Oh, Derek, I'm flattered, but I really don't think I Okay.
Where are the menus? I'm hungrier than a Triceratops, and they had two stomachs.
Wow.
You really know a lot about dinosaurs.
Yeah.
I learned everything I know about them from this really intense place mat.
I also know all the state capitals.
Quiz me.
Oh, I don't know.
Come on.
All right.
Um, Alaska.
Pass.
Soum it must be really hard to be a male model.
Yeah.
How so? Well, you know, people are so quick to label.
I mean, who's to say that just because you're one thing that you can't be another.
Am I right? Wow.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Time me.
Maya? Maya Gallo.
Connie, how are ya? Aw, jeez.
Can't complain.
Yeah, we just closed on a gorgeous house on the island, and I'm sure you heard, Ron made partner at the firm.
Right.
Congratulations.
How ya doing? Oh, well, he's hardly ever home, but, God, he loves it.
Ha! So, honey, still single, huh? Well-- Don't be discouraged.
I'm sure you're gonna find your perfect-- yow.
Connie, Ron, this is Derek.
Derek, hi.
So, what do you do? He makes me happy.
Well--ha ha-- my Ron makes me happy.
Get the car.
Can you come to my high school reunion? I didn't go to your high school.
That's it.
It's done.
I'm finished.
This fax just came for you.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
With my own two hands, I built something that will bring my daughter joy, and, Dennis, no one can take that away from me.
Except the people at the consumer safety commission.
That toy has been recalled.
What the hell for? Allow me to demonstrate.
I'm 6 to 18 months old.
Mmm.
Tasty.
Candy-looking.
I think I'll cram it down my esophagus.
I'll get rid of it for you.
Come on.
Hannah's too smart to swallow some toy.
Everyone says she's a genius.
Who's everyone? Your butt-kissing house staff that rely on you to stay in this country? All right.
Take it away.
What? We have a meeting? Oh yeah.
So how's the article going? Article? Yeah, that one where you send the smart guy and the dumb guy for the same job.
Oh, um, good.
They gave the job to the slightly less qualified candidate.
Really? They gave it to the bonehead? I wouldn't call him a bonehead.
Derek? Oh, please.
I've worked with him.
He once locked himself to his own bike.
[LAUGHTER] You know it was a stupid article anyway.
Instead why don't we have a quiz where readers try to match up supermodels with their cats? No, no, Maya.
This is gonna be a great story.
You were right.
Hey, to be fair, sometimes I do get a little spouty.
Aw, nonsense.
How the hell do you lock yourself to a bike? Can we please forget about Derek? Hey, my Apple-pie-a.
Derek.
The funniest thing just happened to me.
I'm on the quote-unquote "bus," right? And I'm doing chin-ups-- Um, Derek, could we talk a little later? Oh, sure.
I just wanted to give you something.
It's a Stegosaurus.
Rrr! Orsssss.
Nobody really knows.
Such an impressive creature, and yet it had the brain the size of a walnut.
Poor dumb bastard.
You shouldn't have, really.
Well, you know, I figured you liked the one at my place so much-- MAYA: Could I meet you downstairs? Okay.
I'll see you at the quote-unquote "newsstand.
" My, my, my.
Look who fell off her high horse.
And climbed back up on a stallion.
Does the word "hypocrite" mean anything to you? It certainly doesn't mean anything to Derek.
Hey, hey, everyone, let's leave the poor girl alone.
Who Maya dates is none of our quote-unquote "business.
" Okay, have your fun.
Make your jokes, but you don't know Derek like I do.
He's not just a pretty face.
He's thoughtful and intelligent.
[CHOKING] I don't care.
I'm keeping him.
Come on, come on.
Where are we going? Our guy's on the way up.
Here's the costume, and the box is in my studio, all ready to go.
Oh, this is such a rush.
It's like sex, but no one gets hurt.
Elliott DiMauro? You're Howie? That's me, 24-7.
Oh, come on.
You can't fit into this costume.
Is it Lycra? Yes, but it's still governed by the laws of physics.
We're screwed.
The prank is over.
No, it can't be over.
Oh, let it go, Nina.
Besides, it's probably for the best.
What if Finch really freaks out or something? He won't, and if he does, I'll bring him soup.
Oh, I don't know Come on.
I've never been in on a prank before.
Oh, sure you have.
Remember when we emptied Jack's briefcase and filled it with bananas before the shareholders meeting? I didn't do that.
You and Finch just told him I did it.
Oh yeah.
Hey, Finch, there's a surprise for you in the bullpen.
What's going on? The new spring fashion.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not funny.
This isn't funny.
[BOING] I'm Jack-in-the-box.
Booga-booga-booga-booga! Now, that's funny.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha.
Well, why are you laughing? Aren't you scared? Only that I'll pop a lung.
Elliott, it isn't working.
Oh, I think it's working just fine.
Here we go.
One for the guys in the warehouse.
Hey, hey, you you were in on this.
Nice job, Murder, She Wrote.
You! You set me up.
Oh, come on.
I can't take all the credit.
You helped.
Nina, what the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Oh.
Jack, hi.
You know, I don't even know what happened.
I mean, it all made sense in the dark with the lid closed.
Hey, I know what's going on here.
You've been working too hard.
I'm sending you for a week to the Caribbean, and I'm not taking "no" for an answer.
Okay.
No, you don't wanna do that.
Yeah, yeah.
We got a double issue next week.
Oh, that's okay.
You two can handle the workload.
And by the way, boys, I never did thank you for the bananas in my briefcase.
That didn't turn out right.
Just think-- a hundred years ago, even if you had a TV, there'd be nothing on.
Derek, let's just talk for a while.
Something wrong? No, no.
I just feel like there's so much about you that I don't know.
I mean, I'm sure there's more to you than modeling and dinosaurs and maybe other people don't see it, but I do, and, well, I would just love to hear what you think about.
Hey, and I want to know what you think about.
This is great.
I'll tell you what, let's go outside, get comfortable, sit under the stars, and just really talk.
That sounds really nice, Maya.
Okay, good.
This'll be good.
So what do you want to talk about? Art? Religion? Politics? Wow.
Yeah.
Politics.
What a great idea.
I mean, people would never guess that you're the kind of guy that likes to just sit around and talk politics, but you have opinions, I have opinions, and come on, that back and forth, I mean, that's what a relationship is really all about.
Honk! I have to break up with you.
[***] * Life keeps bringing me Back to you * * Keeps bringing me home * * It don't matter What I want to do * * 'Cause it's got A mind of its own * * Life keeps bringing me Back to you * * Yeah **