Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e01 Episode Script

What the Teddy Bear Saw

Oh, Finch, is my father free to go over articles? No, he's in there with Hannah and that freaky nanny.
I think April's nice.
No she's not.
She keeps calling me Button.
So? So on the mean streets where I grew up, "Button" is what you called the weaker kids.
You grew up in a nice suburb of Albany.
Yeah, on the baddest-ass cul-de-sac in all of Shadybrook Estates.
South of the golf course.
Well, at least you made it out, man.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Sometimes I think about going back home, you know, giving something back.
Maybe volunteering at the tennis club.
Maybe the Marina.
Hello, all! I'm back! Did you go somewhere? Did I go somewhere? Ha! (SNORTS) Well, did you go somewhere? I was at a self-actualization seminar called Me First.
It's very complicated.
But basically they taught me that I am the center of the universe.
What's next week, Tall and Skinny camp? Sleeping baby train coming.
Shh, shh.
All aboard the nappity-nap express.
Well, this sure was a nice surprise.
Thanks for bringing her down.
Anytime.
Okay, I think we've got everything.
We've got our binky, our blanky, our moo-moo Now, what did I forget? Mmm, your adult vocabulary? Okay, Hannah, time to say bye-bye to Daddy and Mr.
Button.
(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) Listen, I'd prefer it if you didn't call me Mr Hi, Maya.
Hi, April.
Oh, she's asleep.
Yeah, you'd be asleep, too, if you just drank an entire ba-ba of moo-moo ju-ju.
Okay, Allie and I will be leaving around 8:00.
I'll write down all the information before we go.
Oh, no need.
You're going to be staying at the Maple Creek Lodge.
It's in Troy, Vermont, cottage number four on the lake, proprietor is Mort Drucker.
I've got your cell phone number, your pager number, and, if all else fails, I can always call Uncle Button.
Seriously though, I hate nicknames.
Dennis, why don't you help April get this stuff out of here? My pleasure.
(GRUNTING) What do you got in here, Baby's First Bricks? Bye, Hannah.
Bye-bye, April.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Uncle Button.
She is a terrific nanny.
I tell you, I trust her more than anyone I've ever You've got to check up on her this weekend.
What are you talking about? You just said you trusted her.
I know, I know.
It's just that we think she may be spoiling Hannah.
Letting her stay up too late, eat candy So can you stop by? No, Dad, I can't.
Any other weekend I'd be thrilled to, but I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled.
Didn't you get them out during college? I could've sworn I sent you a check.
(STUTTERS) Actually, I used that to cover a bad night in Las Vegas.
I love it.
Tell me what happened.
Well, I was at the blackjack table and I split 10s.
Oh, Maya.
Elliott, will you do me a favor? What's up? I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled after work and I just talked to the doctor's office.
They said I should have someone pick me up.
Yeah.
No problem.
Really? Hey, who took me to the hospital after Finch dared me to jump over that parking meter? Well, you just picked the wrong day to wear clogs.
Here's all the info.
And thank you.
You got it.
That's it, I've kept my silence long enough.
Elliott, don't do it.
Don't do what? If Me First has taught me anything, it's that a favor undone is like time in the bank.
Let me ask you something.
When you tilt your head to the side, does it sound like a rainstick? Hey, Dennis, what's that song I like? Theme from "Shaft.
" That's it.
Oh, and I need you to check up on April this weekend.
What? Well, make sure she's not letting Hannah eat too much candy or watch too much TV But I don't want it to seem like we don't trust her, so make it look work-related.
Stop over Saturday afternoon.
But I'm grooming Spartacus.
And maybe a couple times Sunday.
That's the big cat show.
For God's sake, how many blue ribbons do you need? It's not like I make him.
He wants to do it.
Well, I haven't seen a sight that pathetic since my friend Binnie tried to pick up the bull rider at a gay rodeo.
What am I supposed to do? He's my boss.
Well, is he the boss of your will? The boss of your soul? You're not just a Jack Gallo errand drone, are you? Sometimes it feels that way.
Well, then tell him no.
Tell him your time is your time.
You're right.
Tell him he doesn't own you.
Damn straight.
Tell him he can't shackle your dosha.
Okay, you're wrecking it, Nina.
Jack, I have plans this weekend and I won't be able to do your personal things.
I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.
Huh.
It's too bad I'm not a powerful magazine publisher, 'cause then I'd have my own assistant.
Look, work is one thing.
You want me to compile six months of demographics? Fine.
But babysitting? Sorry, I gave that up when I was 25.
Since when have we ever gone by the book? Don't forget all the perks you get.
The parties, the tickets, the matchbooks from all the fancy restaurants I go to.
Well, don't forget all the extra stuff I do.
Pick up your dry-cleaning, break in your new shoes I took your life-insurance urine test.
And what happened? That's not the point.
Don't back down.
He's on the run.
What are you doing here? I'm back! Did you go somewhere? A self-actualization seminar called Me First.
Drama queen camp.
Oh.
Well, are you going to check up on Hannah this weekend or not? No.
Probably not.
No.
Is that your final word? Yes.
I think so.
Yes! Fine.
Be that way.
Fine.
I will.
I hope you have a really nice weekend.
Don't worry.
He couldn't run this place without you.
Thanks.
Oh, I was talking to myself.
My friend will probably be here any minute to pick me up.
He promised.
Maybe he just went to get me some soup.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) * When you're under Mommy's sink * There is nothing good to drink * You'll be glad you never played with Daddy's razor blade * Life is very short when your oven is a fort * Stay alive in your house * Oh, stay alive in your house * Button! What are you doing here? Not winning Best of Breed, that's for sure.
What? Never mind.
I'm here to replace the context on Jack's manifold.
It's complicated.
Where's little Hannah? Oh, sleeping.
Would you like some cereal? Do I look like I'm 11? Kind of.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Is it drafty in here? Are you checking up on me? No.
Is the stove on? No.
And it's not drafty, either.
Yeah, what's this? It looks like a piece of scrap paper.
Scrap paper? Or candy wrapper? You've been giving chocolate to Hannah.
What do you care? I don't, but Jack does.
Now I have to screw up my whole weekend by coming up here.
I knew it! You are checking up on me.
I think I'm going to have an anxiety attack.
All right, calm down.
I can't believe they don't trust me.
Here it comes Don't! Stop that.
Calm down.
I'm not going to tell anyone.
Really? Yeah.
All right? But you gotta knock it off with the candy and everything'll be cool, all right? I know.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what it is about me, you know.
I guess I just like to please people.
I'm a people-pleaser.
You know, it's my nature.
I'll do anything if I think it'll please someone.
Yeah, well I don't give a rat's What's that? Anything.
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) (MOANS) (PANTING) Maya, Maya.
Maya, Maya.
Maya, I don't know what to say.
I'm the world's biggest idiot.
Huh? Where were you? Look, there's no excuse, I just completely You were supposed to pick me up, and then you didn't pick me up, and they put me on a bus.
And I fell asleep, and then they put me in a shelter and they tried to take away my beautiful pain pills You were supposed to pick me up! But I did pick you up.
No, you didn't.
And then the nun with the mop kept saying, "Move forward, move forward," but I thought she said backwards, and I fell down the stairs.
That was in the movie.
What movie? The movie we saw after I picked you up and brought you home.
We didn't see a movie! I got put in a shelter! That wasn't you, silly.
That was Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in the movie we watched, remember? You spilled popcorn and we laughed? You were so funny.
I was funny? Funny.
I was? You don't remember? No, I Well, you were kind of drifting in and out, you know.
You picked me up? No, I'm lying.
Hey, you want some coffee? Why am I still wearing my coat? The movie made you cold.
I am cold.
You should go back to bed.
I mean, you've been through so much.
Surgery, me picking you up Oh, Elliott, you're a great friend.
Thank you so much for staying with me.
Why is there a basketball in my apartment? That's a melon, silly.
Hey, morning, Jack.
Dennis.
How was your vacation? I assume my mail is on my desk.
Yeah.
Hey, listen.
For what it's worth, I checked on Hannah and she was perfectly fine.
You went over to my house? Yeah, I poked around a little.
I knew you'd do it! I knew you'd come through.
Hot damn! I never lost faith in you! Turns out I was more flexible than I thought.
That's the attitude.
Here, some matches from the trip.
Ah! All right.
Got it, got it, got it, need it.
Okay, thanks.
So April was good? Oh, yeah.
She sure can handle the baby.
That's great.
That's just great.
But as it turns out I didn't need you to go over after all.
Oh, yeah, why's that? 'Cause I picked up one of those hidden security cameras.
Security cameras? Tell you what, lunch is on me.
Security camera? Yeah, one of those Nannycams you hide on a shelf.
(BABY WHIMPERING) (WHIMPERING) Was that Hannah? Give her some candy.
That'll shut her up.
JACK: Now let's get to work.
I was looking over this demographic data you compiled, and our appeal in the Hispanic community seems to be dropping.
Why is that? Right.
So, have you watched the Nannycam tape yet? No, Allie and I were exhausted when we got home.
I can imagine.
Long drive and all.
We're gonna watch it tonight.
I'm Jack Gallo, and what I say goes.
I'm the boss, and I'm a blabbering blabbedy blah.
Maya? Nina? (STUTTERING) So where exactly is the Nannycam? Hey, how's Maya? Oh, same ol', same ol'.
Where's the Nannycam? It's in a teddy bear.
I tried calling her Friday night, but there was no answer.
Teddy bear.
That's very clever.
Very clever.
Are you okay? (BREATHING HEAVILY) Fine, I'm fine.
I'm gonna take off early today, okay.
No can do, Dennis.
We've got lots of work.
Today we're gonna focus.
Right? Dennis, this ancient sword was a present from Trump himself.
Never use it.
More salami? You rock me like a hurricane.
Oh, I know I do Oh Nina, have you finished the golf layout yet? Finished? I haven't even started.
Would you like to tell me why? I was meeting some members of my Me First group at the airport.
We were spreading the word.
Spreading the word? Nina, are you sure this thing isn't some sort of cult? Cult? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Why is it that any form of spirituality that strays from conventional religion is automatically labeled a cult? Any leader who dares to teach a deeper truth is branded a lunatic with a messiah complex and anyone who listens is just a pawn under his spell.
Nina, I'm sorry.
I guess I jumped to conclusions.
Yes, I guess you did.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sever all ties with my family.
Nina, I'm going to ask you to spend a little time with some friends of mine who are going to clear things up for you.
Well, I don't want any new friends.
I've got plenty of friends, like his Holiness Sing Chop-Chop Cho.
Hey, Finch, haven't seen much of you today.
I've been around.
I've just been doing a bunch of Maybe just turn the cushion over.
Yeah.
Maya, thanks for that basket of muffins.
Oh, you're welcome.
Did you like them? Like them? I had three of 'em.
Good.
I just wanted to thank you.
You know, for taking care of me the way you did.
Oh, please.
It was my pleasure.
But it was such short notice.
You must have had to cancel plans.
I had to go to the opening of a new night club, but I put it off.
For you.
You're my friend.
Aw! Hey, look what I got.
Every movie Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio ever made.
I watched 'em all last night.
Huh.
And in all those movies, you know what I couldn't find? A scene in a women's shelter.
Huh.
But guess what I did find in my coat.
A meal voucher from the Midtown Rescue Mission.
Huh.
Well, thanks again for those muffins.
Whoa.
Are you woozy? Yeah.
All of a sudden.
That's odd.
Did you take any pain pills? Or were there some chopped up in a muffin? What? How do you feel? Shiny.
You know what you need right now? Some fresh air.
Here, put on your hat and coat and I'll meet you in Central Park.
Really? Yeah.
I want to take care of you the way you took care of me.
You're the best.
Oh, wait.
Don't forget your briefcase.
APRIL: Button! Not now, honey.
What a nice surprise.
Where's Allie? She took Hannah to the finals of some cat show.
Cat show.
So, we're all alone.
Not now, baby.
Listen, I'm gonna tell you something, but you got to promise not to freak out.
What is it? Promise you won't freak out? What is it? Tell me! Okay, it's no biggie.
But before Jack left for the weekend, he hid a video camera in the room.
Oh, is that all? I'm Allie.
Rich old men turn me on.
On the money! I'm gonna freak out.
You can't.
We've gotta get the tape.
It's hidden somewhere in a teddy bear.
How come I never noticed all these teddy bears before? I'm freaking out now.
Here it comes.
(SQUEAKING SOFTLY) That's it? That wasn't so bad.
I was expecting you to (SCREAMING) Nothing! Nothing! Nothing.
Nothing! What the hell is going on here? (SCREAMING) Dennis? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
We're living in a society where human privacy is taking a back seat to the ever-watchful eye of big brother.
Hidden cameras in our homes? What's next? Bar codes on our heads? Shame on you, Jack Gallo.
Shame on you and all the other fascists who are chipping away at our personal freedoms each and every day.
You shtupped my nanny, didn't you? Twice.
* Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's gotta mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *