Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e04 Episode Script

Funny Girl

Okay, Maya, here's the key.
Now, I'll be back Sunday night, so you'll need to feed the turtle twice.
Now remember, place, don't drop, the food in the tank or you'll spook Shelly.
I call him Shelly.
The number to the pet hospital is on the fridge Maya, are you listening to me? Yeah, yeah, feed Smelly.
What's going on? I'm pulling a practical joke on Finch.
Oh, really? Hey, have any of you freaks seen my soda? Did you check the fridge? I already looked in the stupid fridge.
In or on? You put my soda on top of the refrigerator? (LAUGHING) That was a classic.
I wish I had a camera.
That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No hard feelings.
Here, have some peanut brittle.
I wonder what's gonna happen.
It's peanut brittle.
I don't get it.
Check the expiration date.
Elliott, your turtle bites.
Oh, yeah? Well, you bite! No, I mean he bit me.
Oh, yeah, he does that.
Good morning! "What's so good about it?" (LAUGHS DERISIVELY) "Oh, Mondays, blah, blah.
" Enough chit-chat, back to work.
What's the matter, Finch? Still reeling from my soda prank? (CACKLING) Are you serious? That joke was lame.
And for one very simple reason.
You're a girl.
What does that have to do with anything? Maya, don't take this personally, but women are nurturers, they're not jokers.
Yeah, Helen Reddy's famous song was not I Am Funny.
Okay! People, we got a lot of work today.
Deadline's been moved up, so here's what I need from each of you by the end of the day.
Maya.
Dennis.
Okay, you got it, Jack.
Any questions? Yeah, why can't you kiss hookers? Hey, Elliott, this came for you.
(GROANING) Oh, no, not this guy again.
Why is it that every idiot with a camera thinks he's a photographer? 'Cause monkeys can do it? Who sent you those? Dimitri, that weird security guard they fired.
He used to bring me oranges.
A landscape? That has an Ansel Adams quality.
(SIGHING) That's because it's a picture of an Ansel Adams picture.
That's what he does, he takes pictures of pictures.
Well, maybe he's making a statement.
Yeah! "I'm out of medication"! (GROANING) What a morning.
My friend Binnie's in the hospital.
Seems she got vertigo at the Guggenheim, toppled over a railing and fell into a cappuccino cart.
The crowd thought it was performance art and burst into applause.
She stumbled out of there with a broken rib and a grant from the NEA.
Nina, have a seat.
I got a couple of questions about plastic surgery.
Oh! Thank God.
Well, good for you, Jack.
You know, a lot of us have been asking when you'd take the plunge.
Let me guess.
A facelift? No, no, no, the ears, right? You know, it's about time you clipped those mud flaps.
Nina, I'm not getting any plastic surgery.
(NERVOUSLY) How's that? I'm editing an article on plastic surgery and I wanted to double-check some facts.
What's wrong with my ears? Oh, nothing, why? Well, you just suggested that I clip my mud flaps.
That's just an expression, like, "Good day, matey.
Clip those mud flaps "and I'll see you on the flip-flop.
" What's with you? I poked the bear.
Hey, Elliott, you got a fax from creepy Dimitri.
(GROANS) What is it with this guy? Jeez.
"Dear Elliott, haven't heard from you but I got your psychic message.
"I, too, hear the voice of Mother's disapproval.
"Let's meet.
I want to literally pick the brain of a live photographer.
" "Literally.
" Oh, my God! You don't think this guy would get violent, do you? A recently fired security guard with nothing left to lose? No! (WHISTLES) What are you smiling about? I sent the fax.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Yep.
What do you think of me now? Same as before.
Body ten, personality four.
Four? Now you're a three.
(MOCKINGLY) Ooh! Eight! Elliott DiMauro? Yeah? A snappy message from your number one fan, Dimitri.
* Why the hell won't you call me? Do-dah, do-dah * I don't handle anger well Oh, the do-dah day * Only you can stop the voices in my head * Are you free for dinner next week? I can make fondue Okay, that's enough.
No wait.
I don't get paid unless I've finished.
* I shaved my head to look like you Do-dah, do-dah * I made you a foil hat Oh, the do-dah day * What do you think? You sent the telegram? That's cute.
Cute? That was pure evil.
All right, I'll admit it.
You got him against the ropes.
But this question is key.
Can you hit him where he lives? Really drive it home? Watch me.
Wash you? (GROANS) Nina.
Oh.
Yes, handsome? I was thinking about what you said, you know, about plastic surgery.
Oh, oh, forget what I said, foxy, I was wrong.
Plastic surgery is for the weak, the phony, the superficial.
I decided to get some.
Is this fun for you? I just had lunch with Allie, and you know what happened? The waiter thought that I was her father.
Can you imagine that? Well, that's a compliment.
Aren't you older than her father? That's not the point.
I don't feel old, but I took a long look in the mirror, and, I don't know, maybe I could use some sprucing up.
Huh! Well, if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate.
Actually, I could use the name of a good surgeon.
Well, while I've never had any work done, uh, I have heard some good things about a Dr.
Hendrie.
You don't have his number, do you? It's on my speed dial.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Guess what crazy Dimitri sent me this time.
Oh, look how cute! A picture of a turtle.
You like turtles.
That's not just any turtle.
That's my turtle.
The psycho broke into my apartment.
(GASPS) That's terrible.
What are you going to do? Oh, come on, what more can I do? I called the cops and they arrested the maniac.
(LAUGHING) What? (CHUCKLING) Wow! That wasn't supposed to happen.
What's that supposed to mean? It means, * Maya's gonna burn in hell Do-dah, do-dah * Psycho's in a prison cell Oh, the do-dah day * It was just supposed to be a joke.
(SNORTING) "A joke.
" I sent an innocent man to jail.
How is that a joke? Well, nothing's funny if you analyze it to death! You've got to be kidding.
What? Well, can't you stop them? All right, we'll go right down there.
They're holding him.
Why? He's not a stalker.
No, but he's an illegal alien.
They sent his case to the INS.
They're gonna deport him.
I have to admit, that is kind of funny.
So you're thinking about having some work done, huh? Yeah.
Nothing major.
Well, let me assure you, I can work miracles with that chin.
What's wrong with my chin? I like my chin.
(STAMMERING) Oh, I'm sorry.
I just assumed Anyway Maybe you should tell me what you were thinking of.
An eye job.
Okay, sure.
I think with an eye job, I can have you looking I'm 61.
I cannot apologize enough.
Wow, I didn't think I looked that old.
Look, Jack, we could We could take this slowly, a nip here and a tuck there, but before we do, why don't we think about the lessons we learned in Vietnam? Excuse me? We tried a bunch of piecemeal measures.
What did we get? A lot of pain and suffering.
We still lost a war we could've won by one massive act of aggression.
LBJ! My advice to you is to go all the way with this.
Total commitment.
(HESITANTLY) I don't know.
I Jack, let me outline for you just how cosmetic surgery can improve your life.
How'd you like to be surrounded by beautiful young women? I am, every day.
Supermodels.
Well, sure, it's nice to be surrounded by beauty, but how'd you like to have one on your arm? Well, I'm married to a beautiful woman half my age.
Aha! How'd you like your boss to stop treating you like an old fuddy-duddy? I am the boss.
I own the whole damn company.
But do you have a boat? I don't know what the hell I'm doing here.
I don't need you.
I really think you should reconsider.
Why? My life is perfect.
I can only hope someday when you're my age I'm 72.
Sir, we don't play favorites at Immigration.
Well, that's because "those damn Canadians," as you call them, don't blow stuff up.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
(INHALES) Hello, ma'am.
I'm Mr.
Weiland.
How may I help you? We're here on behalf of someone you have in custody.
Name? Dimitri Shastapitabrostavich.
Three S's? At least.
Yeah, we got him.
See, there's been a huge mistake.
The guy is innocent.
See, my friend here pulled this horrible practical joke Look, could you just let him go? (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.
I have that kind of power.
That's why I sit in this little tiny office.
No air, no view, (SNARKILY) but I control the borders! Isn't there something we can do? You could submit a petition for his release.
Great! (MOCKINGLY) Super! Your full name? Maya Gallo.
(TYPING) "Maya Gallo.
" And your primary res (CHUCKLING) Oh, boy.
What? Are you Maya Gallo, the money launderer who's here illegally from Colombia? No! That sounded a little too rehearsed.
May I see some identification? Sure! Oh, this is great.
I must have left my wallet at the office.
Office or oficina? Pete! Oh, come on, she works two blocks from here.
I'll be right back.
I promise.
Look, missy, a promise may hold water in Bogota, but the last time I checked, this is America, where "football" means football! Ankle clamp.
What are you doing? It's just a small tracking device.
A tracking device? Oh, for God's sakes.
You see? This is a perfect example of bureaucracy run amuck.
And your name is? Bob Johnson.
Nice to meet you.
You wanted to see me, Jack? Yeah, yeah.
Come on in.
Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking about that surgery.
And? Let me tell you a story.
When I was a kid, I played a little baseball.
One year, we finally make it to the playoffs so I decide to replace my beat-up old mitt.
I go out and buy the best one I can find.
Man, it was beautiful.
I couldn't wait for the game.
Big day comes, sixth inning, guy hits a hard line drive to me at short, and boom, right off the side of my glove.
Two runs score, we lose the game.
So, you see? No.
Play with the glove that got you there! Know what I mean? No.
My face is like my old mitt.
I know, isn't that why you went to Dr.
Hendrie? I'm not having any surgery, Nina.
Oh! Well, that's okay, Jack.
You're rich, people will still like you.
Nina.
Yeah? Listen, I don't know what this Dr.
Hendrie says to you, but, uh, I'd like you to know something.
Sometimes, we're at a meeting or somewhere, and I look at you, and you know what I see? (SOFTLY) One of the most beautiful women I have ever known.
Jack.
I just thought you should know that.
Stop it.
You're going to make me cry.
That's okay, Nina, let it out.
(STIFLING TEARS) No, you don't understand.
After my last chemical peel, it just burns like fire.
What were you thinking? I said I was sorry.
(SNORTS) Maya Gallo? Yes? Rob! Rob Mandel.
From Stanford.
Oh, hi, Rob.
You don't remember me.
Oh! Of course! Rob! (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
God, you look You look great.
Thank you.
So do you.
Listen, I didn't have the guts to ask this back then, but, um, I don't know, would you like to grab (ALARM BEEPING) Uh-oh.
What the hell is that? Um, I don't know.
Maybe it's the elevator.
No, no, it's coming from your ankle.
Um, anyway, you were saying? Are you some sort of criminal? No! I don't want any trouble.
(LOUD BEEPING CONTINUES) MAYA: What's the matter, sweet cheeks? You never lost your wallet? (BEEPING STOPS) Oh, sure.
Now it stops.
You know, I just don't get this whole thing.
You never pull practical jokes.
I know I don't.
But when Finch said that women couldn't Finch! I should have known he was behind this.
No, really, it was me.
No, no, no.
Don't cover for him.
He really crossed the line this time.
Finch! What's your problem, Telly? You're my problem.
Oh! Elliott! ELLIOTT: Somebody had to do it.
Finch, are you okay? Yeah.
Something cold, please.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! I am so sorry! Who never fills the ice trays? Okay, here, tilt your head back.
Here you go.
(GROANING) Oh, my God.
What have I done? Oh, I don't know, everything I wanted you to? (CHUCKLING CONDESCENDINGLY) Huh? Elliott! How was I? Two thumbs up.
I laughed, I cried.
(CHUCKLES SELF-CONTENTEDLY) What? But Elliott was And you were What? Welcome to a real practical joke, Maya.
Layer upon layer.
Twist upon twist.
Props.
Blood capsules.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, it's quite a sordid production.
But how? Well, you did most of the work, really.
All I had to do was tell you that women couldn't pull practical jokes.
Since I already knew that you thought Dimitri the security guard was creepy, I had Elliott, my accomplice, pretend that Dimitri was harassing him with crazy photos and letters.
(CHUCKLES SNIDELY) And you fell for the bait.
But how did you know that I'd order a singing telegram and break into Elliott's apartment? Those were my ideas! Were they, Maya? After very cleverly getting you to think of the singing telegram, I used some sleight of hand to remind you that you still had Elliott's key.
Then I used the power of suggestion.
But this question is (ECHOING) key.
Can you hit him where he (ECHOING) lives? Really drive it (ECHOING) home? Key.
Where he lives.
Home.
(WHISPERING) Yes.
Now are you curious about Mr.
Weiland, the INS agent? No.
Kind of.
Well, while you were at Elliott's apartment taking pictures of his turtle, I called in a favor from my cousin, the insurance agent.
Then, after you got back but before you went to "INS," I snagged all your identification out of your purse.
(GASPS) By the way, I owe you 20 bucks.
So then you ran off to save Dimitri, Jack and Nina were gone, so I took the liberty of entertaining some young, lovely lingerie models that were waiting for Elliott.
ELLIOTT: Wait.
Why are you telling us that? Dude, I'm telling everybody that part.
Okay, wait.
What's this? Uh, I don't know.
I stole it off some kid's bike.
Oh, and about your hunky former classmate? Yeah? An actor from my building.
So he wasn't going to ask me out? (ELLIOTT CHUCKLING) Oh, poor Maya.
A man that good-looking isn't straight.
Martin! Good stuff.
That'll be all.
Let's see, is there anything I'm forgetting? Yeah, the most important thing.
Why? (RASPILY) Because you hid my soda.
All of this because of a soda? Damn straight.
That's why they call me the king.
Okay, everybody.
Let's see what you got.
Oh, Dad.
Um Captions are on page two.
Perfect.
Here, I reconfigured the layout.
Great.
Dennis? Where are the reports? Uh, I haven't actually quite finished them yet.
Well, give me what you got.
I haven't actually quite started them yet.
For God's sake, what were you doing all day? I don't know, stuff.
Well, I'll need them first thing in the morning, so don't go until they're done.
Maya? Elliott? Grab a drink? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Certainly.
Whatever.
Go ahead and go! Have your fun, but I still got you! I'm still the king! Where's my soda? * Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's got a mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *