Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e08 Episode Script

The List

Okay, the Fashion Council dinner on the 3rd.
Mmm, nope, I'm taking the family to the circus.
NYU Forum on "The Future of Publishing," that's the 12th.
No, can't do it, parents' night at Hannah's preschool.
Okie-doke.
And the Annual Playboy Pajama Party? Please.
Half-naked bimbos running around, screaming, "The pool's cold! The pool's cold!" Who needs it? I hear that.
(MIMICS WHIRRING) Oh, and did you get those tickets for Barney on Broadway? Oh, I tried.
It's completely sold out.
I don't care.
I wanna surprise Hannah.
Jack, the kid is two, you can surprise her with an old piece of bread.
I'll get on it.
Guess what I have? Why? Are they baffled down at the clinic? Poor Finch.
So much anger, so little body hair.
What've you got, Nina? My source at Manhattan Magazine just faxed me a sneak preview of their Power 100 list.
Oh, who cares who they think the most powerful people in New York are? It's so repulsive.
It's important to my dad.
His dream in life is to break the top 50.
Who's your secret source? Oh, an ex-lover.
I can't be more specific.
Nina, you've gotta start getting their first names.
Well, come on, come on, come on, where's my dad? Okay, let's see.
I'm scanning, scanning, still scanning.
Well, he's not one of the first three.
Give me that.
Not in the first 50.
Not in the first 75.
Uh-oh.
What? Dead last.
Last? Oh, man, he's gonna wig out.
Oh, no kidding.
He went from 68 to 100.
That's a total of Well, I don't have time to crunch the numbers, but trust me, it's a dip.
Dennis, I need you to proofread the What's wrong? Why would anything be wrong? Nobody's looking at me.
Jack, that's not true.
All right, I guess you should hear this from us.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) For some silly reason, it seems you've dropped a touch on the Power 100 list.
Dead last? If it's any consolation, your buddy Donald Trump plummeted to number five.
I don't get it.
Our circulation is growing.
Our ad revenues are up.
The 60 Minutes piece was less damaging than we thought.
Things are going great.
Jack, it's just some stupid pecking order.
It's like junior high all over again.
Everyone desperate to be part of the cool crowd.
(CHUCKLES) I wouldn't know about that, dude.
I was a crossing guard.
You stay, you go.
Picking up a lunch order for Jack Gallo.
Hey, you're that big Star Wars fan, right? (CHUCKLES) Oh, I don't know about fan.
I found the films an amusing diversion.
Why? Because Mark Hamill is sitting right behind you.
Luke! Oh.
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER) Well, how nice.
Good day.
Well, of course you're sad.
She was a wonderful woman.
But she lived a long and healthy life and, well, at some point you just have to Hey.
Hey.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) You remember me? Well, should I? The '91 sci-fi convention in Albany.
You signed my Stormtrooper helmet.
Well, that was a long time ago.
At a convention far, far away.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, listen, friend Dennis.
Okay, whatever.
Dennis.
Fine.
Listen, Dennis Yes, Mark? Look, I don't wanna be rude.
And obviously you're a big fan, and, hey, that's just great.
But, see, I'm with an old friend here and, well, and his grandmother just died.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's tough.
It's always hard to lose a loved one.
Hey, speaking of death.
Do you think the Death Star would have broken the Rebel Alliance if Luke hadn't destroyed it? I don't know.
I mean, if you had to guess.
I don't wanna guess.
Look, I'm busy.
Oh, of course.
I understand.
You're spending time with a friend.
Right.
Again, my condolences.
Must be very painful.
But not as painful as when Darth Vader chopped off your hand, am I right? I'm asking you nicely to leave.
(LAUGHS) That's what the cop at the convention said.
Will you please go? Well, you don't need to get snippy.
Again, I'm sorry.
It's very sad to lose a loved one.
Like Obi-Wan Kenobi, am I right? I don't know.
How could you not know? You were there! All right, that's it.
Look, I don't wanna talk about Star Wars.
Every day, you people with your stupid questions.
I'm sick of it! So, just beat it! Back off! Go harass somebody else! Well, are you through? Yeah, I'm through.
Can I have your fork? You wanted to see me? Maya, I'm worried about morale.
What do you hear out there in the bullpen? Hmm.
May I be frank with you? Revolution.
I'm serious.
What if the new issue of Manhattan Magazine comes out and my staff starts thinking the old man has lost it? I'd say that's highly unlikely.
Well, I wanna make sure.
I owe them that much.
What do you mean? I mean, I need to improve my ranking.
Not for me, but for every member of the staff who thinks he's been forgotten.
Hard-working guys, like What's his name in shipping with the eyebrow? Hey, you wanted us? We need to think of a way to move me up that list.
How? The issue comes out in a week.
Well, you know how these magazines work.
They'll be tinkering with it up to the very last second.
So? So, if I can launch some sort of PR campaign, right now, really sell myself, maybe I can still do it.
How about an ad campaign with the slogan, "Jack Gallo, more important than you think"? No.
Jack, why do you care so much about this stupid list? Maya, tell him about Eyebrow in shipping.
All right, I've got it.
What if you gathered together the covers from every issue of Blush, put them into a nice leather-bound book, and sent them out to all the important people, like the editors at Manhattan Magazine, and that would remind them what a force you are? Nina, that's a great idea.
It is? You know, I have lots of ideas, but I never say them.
Because I'm always afraid that some people might think they're silly.
But no more.
From now on, I am going to say every great idea that comes to mind.
And they never heard from her again.
Yeah, I'm calling to see if there's any cancellations for Barney on Broadway.
Yeah, well, then add some shows.
I'm telling you, in a year he's gonna be colder than Hootie's second album.
Excuse me.
Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
What are you doing here? Well, the bartender told me you worked here.
I came to apologize.
(GASPS) (IN HIGH PITCH) I'm not gonna cry.
See, I shouldn't have said what I did, and, well, I'm really sorry.
Well, Mark, it's big of you to admit that.
You were a little out of line.
I mean, come on, look at me.
I'm cool.
All right? I'm not one of those freaky fans.
Hi, you've reached Dennis Finch and Mark Hamill.
(GIGGLING) Of the Rebel Alliance.
So leave a message, you losers! (MIMICS LASER FIRING) Well, well, well.
Mark Hamill.
Nina, no! (SHUSHING) You remember me? Fox Studios, 1976.
I auditioned for the role of Princess Leia? Gee, I'm sorry, I don't.
Well, sure you do.
I'm the one who fired that prop gun at Mr.
Lucas and he was screaming, (IN SHRILL VOICE) "Oh, I've been blinded.
" Nina! Hey, if you see that tall fellow in the dog suit, tell him all is forgiven.
Please don't deduct that time from our visit.
So, maybe we could just walk around the office and be seen together.
Or maybe I could say something and you could laugh like it's funny.
Hey, I got a better idea.
Why don't we go grab a burger? Burger, me and you? Sure, I'll meet you at McGinny's at 8:00.
INNER VOICE: Trust your feelings, Dennis.
Say yes! I love you.
I mean, sure.
Yeah, whatever.
Let's party.
Good morning! Hey, where were you? I thought we were meeting at the gym.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Mark Hamill stopped by.
You've been hanging out all week.
I thought for sure he'd be sick of you by now.
Hey, we're buddies.
He likes how I treat him like we're exactly the same.
Oh, really? Does he have action figures of you on his nightstand? So, what'd you guys do? Uh, he stopped by around 5:00 with donuts.
Yeah.
Mark says that's when they're the tastiest.
Doesn't that strike you as a little odd? No.
No, no Yeah, a little bit.
We have a crisis.
No, I put the gin in the bottom cabinet.
Yes, and those are five frantic minutes I will never get back.
But that's not it.
I just got the final draft of the Power 100 and Jack is off the list.
What? Completely? How did that happen? Well, they added someone else to the list and Jack got bumped off.
Who bumped him? Scanning, scanning, scanning Oh, my God.
You did.
Let me see.
What? Unbelievable.
You're number 47.
Forty-seven.
Dude, get me Barney tickets.
"A recent review of the Blush covers from the past years reminds us "of the enormous influence Elliott DiMauro wields in the world of fashion.
" (DENNIS WHISTLES) Really? Okay, how are we gonna break this to my dad? Look, this list is a bunch of bunk.
I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it means nothing.
So, the best way to convince him of this is just to go about our day like it's no big deal.
You're right.
Right.
Play it cool.
I did it! I made the list! It's happening to me! To me, Maya! To me! Can you believe it? It's happening to me! Me! Remember, Maya, play it cool.
Hey, buddy! What are you doing here? I thought we could hang out.
Oh.
Well, that's awesome, but my boss is coming back any second, and, uh, got a lot of stuff to do.
That's okay.
I'll wait.
No.
I mean, I'm kind of busy all day working.
Well, you get a lunch hour, don't you? And a coffee break? I guess.
Is this your little ceramic kitten? Don't touch that! Sorry.
I mean, they break easy.
So! What are you doing now? Just gonna hand out some mail.
Cool! Let's do it.
Well, maybe you should wait here.
Nah, you won't even notice me.
Tickle fight! Get off me! Hey, Nina, great news! I just heard through the grapevine that Manhattan Magazine is more than a little impressed with our Blush cover book.
Oh, boy.
And all thanks to you, and your big idea.
Keep 'em coming.
Here's another idea, I'm gonna take off for about a month.
Oh, pretty.
I don't believe it.
Hey, Elliott, listen to this, "To number 47, congratulations, Cindy Crawford.
" Did you hear that? Forty-seven, huh? Not too shabby.
So, you're not angry? Angry? Of course not.
So, you're saying that machine can That machine can collate and staple? Yes.
(CHUCKLES) We could've used one of those on the Millennium Falcon, huh? Everyone, gather round.
Jack, it's really not necessary.
Oh, sure it is.
Listen, I just wanna say that today has been a great victory and it wouldn't have happened without you.
Or people very similar to you.
I want champagne, hors d'oeuvres and a cake with a big 47 on it, because this year, I'm 47! Yeah, 47 in Wookiee years, maybe.
Dude.
Jack Dad I have some bad news.
Hit me with it.
You can't ruin my day.
You're off the list and Elliott's on.
He's number 47.
Isn't that great? Okay, that's it, people, show's over.
Nothing to see here.
You bumped me off the list? I thought you knew.
I'm sorry.
Please, give me a little credit.
You think I'd begrudge you knocking me off the list, hotshot? I'm proud of you.
You're a winner! Hotshot.
Jack Oh, it's "Jack" now? It's always been Jack.
You got all the answers, don't you, whiz kid? Well, let me tell you this, someday, somebody's gonna knock you off that list.
Until then, live it up.
Let's have that stinking party! Harrison Ford used to get like that.
(DOOR OPENING) Are you even gonna make an appearance at Elliott's party? I'm working, Maya.
I thought this was a place of business.
Look, I gotta tell you something.
I know what you're gonna say.
That I gave Elliott his first break.
That his making the list reflects on me.
That this whole thing is a victory for me.
That's not what I was gonna say at all.
Are you sure? Because if you think about it, I'm the one who This is not about you.
This is about Elliott.
Remember Elliott, the quiet guy who takes the pictures, while you get all the glory? Fine.
Let's see how you do on the worst day of your life.
The worst day of your life? You've been through three divorces.
You've passed two kidney stones.
You've sailed a hot-air balloon straight into the Chrysler Building! It's the worst day of my life, because today I know I'm past my prime.
Oh, please.
It's like in the jungle.
Sooner or later the head lion gets old and crippled and the younger male forces him out of the pride.
That's a terrible analogy.
Fine.
The head lion gets knocked off a list of the 100 most powerful animals.
Oh, Dad! Honey, I've been around a while.
I know a road sign when I see one.
I'm slipping.
Why are you so upset? It's just a big popularity contest.
So, I'm also not popular.
How could that possibly comfort me? (INTERCOM BEEPS) Yes? DENNIS: (ON INTERCOM) It's Dennis.
MARK: (ON INTERCOM) And Mark Hamill.
DENNIS: Come on, guy, back off.
Jack, your Barney tickets came through, but it's the same day as the Prada party.
What do you wanna do? Barney.
All right, I'll run the Prada invitation through the shredder.
(DENNIS MIMICS WHIRRING) Dennis, the shredder's in my office.
MARK: Copy that, Red Leader.
I think I know why you're not on that list.
I'm all ears.
That party right there, it's a perfect example.
You're constantly turning down invitations 'cause you race home to be with Hannah! Oh, I don't know.
I do.
The party circuit you're on now involves pony rides and face-painting.
You haven't lost any clout, your priorities have changed.
You're being a good dad.
You think so? Yeah, I do.
Just like you've always been a good boss.
Sensitive, caring and supportive of employees who make the Power 100 list.
You know, that sort of thing.
Fine, I get it.
I'll apologize to Elliott.
And Dad I know, I know, you're proud of me.
No, we need your credit card for the watch you bought him.
Hey, there you are! Hey.
So whatcha doin'? Eating ice cream? Yes, I'm eating ice cream.
Hey, didn't you say you worked in an ice-cream parlor when you were a kid? Yes.
What kind of hat did you wear? Was it like a baseball cap or one of those paper jobs? I don't know.
Who decides the flavor of the month? I don't know.
What if somebody came in and asked for a free sample of every flavor and put it in a cone they brought from home? I don't know.
How could you not know? That's it! I don't wanna talk about ice cream.
What is your problem? You follow me around all day asking stupid questions, acting all psycho! You're driving me crazy! You see? See what? You see how it is for me? Having no privacy? Having total strangers wanna be your best friend and ask you stupid questions all day? It's not too much fun, is it? Wait, you did this all week to, like, teach me a lesson? That's right.
So you're not really crazy? (SCOFFING) Of course not.
Um, in that case, did Chewbacca speak a real language? Oh, God.
Because in the Wookiee dictionary, the verbs don't match.
Is the force still with you? Is Skywalker Well, you're very kind.
Of course the work is its own reward.
Hey, Elliott! Uh-oh.
Elliott, stop.
Come here.
I owe you an apology.
I'm sorry for the way I acted and the fact is, you're a wonderful artist, and you should've been on that list a long time ago.
I mean it.
Thank you, Jack.
That means a lot.
Here, I'll have that.
Everyone, I'd like to make a toast.
No, Jack, I'd like to make a toast.
To the man who gave me my start.
The man whose vision put us all on the map.
I owe you everything.
In fact, if I could, I'd call the publisher of Manhattan Magazine right now and tell him that you belong on this list and not me.
To Jack Gallo.
Here, here.
Here, here.
Here, his name is Rick.
* Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's got a mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *