Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e10 Episode Script

How the Finch Stole Christmas

NARRATOR: In a borough just north of the Isle of Staten, 'neath the towers that tower over midtown Manhattan, streets glittered with tinsel like some sequined drag queen and Christmas joy was aflush at Blush Magazine.
The workers wrapped gifts with a nip and a tuck.
Everybody was happy God, people suck! What's the matter? I woke up at 4:00 a.
m.
to wait on line at Toy Town to get one of those Sneezing Charlie dolls for the boy I tutor.
Turns out they were all gone.
Some rich guy bribed the manager to let him buy the entire inventory.
What's so great about Sneezing Charlie? Are you kidding? It sneezes.
It complains.
Its nose gets all I don't know, Rosie O'Donnell was winging them at her audience, and now everybody wants one.
Morning.
Morning.
Finch, hold all my calls.
Uh, I don't actually answer your phone, but consider it done.
Oh, I rented the saddest movie last night.
Oh, Free Willy 2? No.
Titanic.
I'm still reeling.
I know, what a horrible tragedy.
Oh, yeah.
All those beautiful clothes lost at the bottom of the sea.
Man, people knew how to dress back then.
Even those poor slobs in steerage managed to put a coat on for dinner.
You know, these days nobody gets dressed up.
Not on airplanes.
Not in the theater.
Not at the workplace.
You know, everyone is so quick to blame the absentee father, but I'll tell you something.
It's casual wear that is ruining this society.
That's ridiculous.
I happen to think that some people look good in casual wear.
Like who? Well, like me for example.
Oh, good God, is that a fashion statement? I thought you were just allergic to everything else.
What? This is J.
Crew.
I have tons of his stuff.
I probably put his kids through college.
Mmm-hmm.
A, mail order was meant for discreet pornography.
Amen to that, sister.
And B, I hate to break this to you, but there is no such person as J.
Crew.
That is a made-up name.
He doesn't exist.
He doesn't? Are you sure? Maya, Maya, poor, naive woman-child Maya.
There is no J.
Crew.
And, and furthermore, casual wear is for children.
Adults should wear sophisticated clothing.
We live in a world gone mad! I swear I would sleep with the next man I see wearing a hat! Run, dude! Hey.
Hey.
What's wrong with you, Elliott? Christmas.
It's depressing.
It's gotten so commercial, it's lost all its spiritual meaning.
No, it hasn't.
This is such a cliche.
Check it out! Lollipops in the shape of Jesus! "My Sweet Lord.
" JACK: Uh-huh.
Somebody's going to hell.
Okay, let's get started.
We got a lot of work to do.
Item one, I bought a little puppy as a surprise for Hannah.
Oh, Dad, that is so nice That's so sweet.
And I need someone to keep it till I give it to her on Christmas.
I can't.
I'm NINA: I'm highly allergic.
I can't stand dogs.
I'll do it.
Because a good deed is its own reward.
Although, since it's Christmas, a better reward might be a new set of wheels.
Possibly a moped with a sidecar for the honeys.
Dennis, you're not getting a moped.
Moped, motor scooter, whatever.
Okay, one last reminder, for those who are interested in caroling tonight, we meet in the lobby at 6:00 p.
m.
Oh, oh, and we need somebody to be Santa Claus.
I'll do it.
Anybody at all.
Uh, Elliott? I don't get Christmas.
To me it's become a whole marketing Very good.
Anybody else? Nina? You like bouncing young men in your lap.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
Well, are you sure? Oh, I'm quite certain.
The judge was most explicit on this point.
Well, that only leaves one person.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
Okay, okay.
I was merely concerned about your brittle thighs.
I've been doing squats.
Eighty pounds.
Two sets of five.
NARRATOR: And now we return to the office of Blush, where Finch accused Nina of being a lush.
Jack sat at his desk eating soup made from barley.
And Maya still needed that one Sneezing Charlie.
Dad? Hmm? Can I borrow your car? Sure.
Where're you going? To the Paramus Park Mall to pick up one of those Sneezing Charlie dolls.
It's the toy this year.
When you clap, they go, "Achoo, achoo.
" (DOLL SNEEZING) MAYA: Where did you get these? Late last night at Toy Town.
They do special favors for VIPs.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, my God, that was you! Dad, while you just waltzed in there, I and about 30 other people waited for hours in the cold for these dolls.
Before you get all high and mighty on me, I happen to be giving them away to children throughout the city.
Really? Oh.
I'm sorry.
Well, maybe next time you'll get all the facts before you rush to judgment.
Hey, Jack.
Ralph Lauren is on a family ski trip.
Should I overnight his Sneezing Charlies to Aspen for his grandkids? Ralph Lauren? Uh, whatever.
Thank you.
Bye now.
Did I say something wrong? If I did, it was an accident.
That's not bad behavior.
These are your advertisers.
They're all millionaires.
So, millionaires have children, too.
Or if not children, dogs.
So, you seriously believe that Tommy Hilfiger's kids need this doll more than the little boy I tutor? Let me ask you a question, Maya.
Did the little boy you tutor have his favorite toy knocked into the ocean by the boom sail of his father's yacht? If I can fill that void and help dry his tears, then I've done my part.
And if, say, his father returns the favor by buying more ads in your magazine Then everybody wins! Congratulations! You've managed to completely debase the spirit of Christmas.
(SLAMS) SNEEZING CHARLIE: Achoo! I don't feel good.
My head hurts.
You ought to meet her mother.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem a little down.
It's Christmas.
I know I should be happy, but I just feel, like, so empty.
Aw, you know what you need? You need to do something incredibly Christmassy.
Like go out and get a tree.
Or better yet, put on a coat and tie.
Huh.
We don't have a tree, do we? I like Christmas trees.
They're simple and pure.
I think I'm gonna go get one.
Atta boy.
Yeah.
But, uh, first I'm gonna swing by the hospital.
I think I have a concussion.
Hey, Dennis, guess what I got in here.
A human head? Better.
It's Hannah's new puppy! (EXCLAIMING) Look at him.
Isn't he adorable? I wanna hold you and cuddle you and take care of you forever.
Okay, gotta run.
Hey, hey.
Wait.
Where're you going? To pick up Hannah and Allie for the caroling.
So get into your Santa suit.
Oh, and keep everyone out of my office.
That's where all the presents are.
Including all of mine? You're only getting one, Dennis.
It's from all of us.
When you say one, does that include the helmet? It's not a moped.
And no snooping! No way.
Not me.
Now don't be a bad dog and go in Jack's office.
Bad boy, don't you go in there.
What are you doing? You're not a good doggie! Oh! NARRATOR: Jack's office was littered with presents galore.
Gifts upon gifts, from ceiling to floor.
From Jack to Nina, a gift most endearing.
A beautiful necklace with matching gold earrings.
From Maya to Elliot, a mini TV.
From Elliot to Jack, not one club but three.
Frantic he searched, as each gift got better.
Until he found his, a little bit wetter.
Bad dog! Finch looked at the package with anticipation.
Since they all had chipped in, he had high expectation.
He opened his present.
It made his blood curdle His gift was a calendar, shaped like a turtle! "Turtles of the World"? Finch said with great rage.
Turtles and turtles, on every page! Those dirty little He expressed his displeasure with color and flair.
Using words that our censors will not let us share.
Then Finch got a thought, it just popped in his head.
A thought full of evil and malice and dread.
I'll teach them a lesson, oh, yes.
The Finch ranted.
This was one Finch who would not be taken for granted.
He asked for a yard and they gave him an inch.
So Christmas this year would be stolen by a Finch.
Once the caroling finally ended, the Finch snuck upstairs, just as he intended.
He tiptoed inside, like a mean Santa Claus.
And started his dastardly plan without pause.
He replaced all the gifts he had bought for each friend.
Take that! The Finch growled.
Kiss my ass! Ahem.
Rear end.
For Nina a gift she would most despise.
Some cheap wrinkle cream, industrial size.
Now Elliot's turn to suffer some digs.
For the bald man, a set of flowing blonde wigs.
For Maya and Jack, gifts equally vicious.
The Finch's revenge would be awfully delicious.
* You're a scoundrel, Mr.
Finch * You really are a slime * You're as evil as the devil * As annoying as a mime, Mr.
Finch * You are, without exception, the most morally depraved creep of all time * You're a serpent, Mr.
Finch * You're a sleazy, slimy worm * You have all the inner kindness of a flesh-consuming germ, Mr.
Finch * If meanness were a crime * For which you could be arrested, convicted and then sent to prison * You'd serve a 99-and-a-half-year term * (PEOPLE CHATTERING) What can I get ya? Oh, something Christmassy.
Um, double scotch on the rocks.
Why is that Christmassy? What are you, a priest? Just pour.
MAN: That's a lovely dress.
Oh, thanks.
You look very woodsy.
Yeah.
Gotta be comfortable, right? Good Lord, he's one of those.
Hi.
I'm, uh I'm Jay.
And you are? Being hit on by a lumberjack.
I thought Manhattan was pretty much logged out.
Well, actually, uh, I'm just in town enjoying the holiday season.
Please tell me that's not your Playbill.
Yeah, I, uh I went to the theater tonight.
Well, not dressed like that, I hope.
Sure, why not? I just don't believe in casual wear.
You don't mean that.
Oh, I most certainly do.
Let me ask you something.
Do you remember the feeling you had when you were a little kid, when you came home from church and you just couldn't wait to get out of those stiff clothes and put on a comfortable pair of jeans? Where did that little girl go? I I don't know what you're talking about.
BARTENDER: Here you go, Mr.
Crew.
Thank you.
Mr.
Crew? Jay Crew? Oh, that's rich.
How's that? Well, J.
Crew.
Like the catalog.
Oh, you've seen my catalog? (SCOFFS) Your catalog? What are you talking about? There is no J.
Crew.
I am quite sure of that.
That's why I've come, Nina.
Yes, I know that doll is impossible to get, but anything for you, Vera.
We have a little saying around here at Blush, "You can never have too much Wang.
" (LAUGHS) Okay.
Happy Holidays.
Boys, you're paying off already.
(DOLLS SNEEZING) Ha! Gets me every time.
SNEEZING CHARLIE: You make me sick.
(DOLLS SNEEZING) SNEEZING CHARLIE 1: My nose is running.
SNEEZING CHARLIE 2: You're selfish, Jack.
(LAUGHS) SNEEZING CHARLIE 2: Don't laugh at me.
What the hell? You heard me, you fat cat! Hey, business is business.
I can live with myself, so lay off.
SNEEZING CHARLIE: Give us to poor kids or we'll haunt you in your dreams! What? I said, give us to poor kids or we'll rip your face off your skull! (LAUGHING) Oh, bad Maya.
Nina, look at you.
You'll never guess who I met last night.
J.
Crew.
Huh? Yes, Maya, there is a J.
Crew.
And he helped me rediscover the spirit of casual wear.
I walked to work this morning, Maya, and I was warm and comfortable in a way that I haven't been since I was a little girl.
But Nina Oh, I know you don't believe this, do you? But J.
Crew does exist, in each and every one of us.
In every Dad who ever went sledding with his son.
And every rugby player who ever walked his Labrador along the frozen banks of a river.
And every couple who ever sipped coffee on a redwood deck in their underwear.
Um, Nina, I called the company, and you were right.
There is no J.
Crew.
There never was.
He doesn't exist.
Are you sure? I'm positive.
Then who the hell did I sleep with last night? Hey, you guys! Come on.
I wanna show you something.
Hey, you seem a lot better.
Oh, I am.
I spent all morning looking for a tree, and it was great.
Children running around, and the scent of pine needles, and Christmas was in the air.
And then I saw it.
The sweetest little Christmas tree I've ever seen.
You're joking, right? No.
Why? This isn't a tree.
It's so scrawny and anemic.
Looks like it hasn't seen sunlight in months.
So do you.
It is a pretty lame tree, Elliott.
No, it's not.
It's great.
It just needs to be fixed up a little.
Nice going, brickhead.
What's wrong with me? I'm such a loser.
Come on, girls.
Let's get you undressed and take some pictures.
NARRATOR: The work was all done, the gifts were all near.
Nina was two drinks from faxing her rear.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, to everyone! And a Happy Hanukkah to you, Persky.
Oh, thank you, sir.
We love you, Persky.
And I just wanted to make you feel comfortable.
Didn't want you to feel left out, different from everyone else.
You know, like you didn't belong.
Thank you, sir.
Dad? Where've you been all day? I just brought all the Sneezing Charlie dolls down to the Children's Center.
Wow.
I'm shocked.
You gave them all away? Well, all except two.
One I saved for that little boy you tutor.
Oh! And one I had dismantled and buried under the Meadowlands.
Maya, do you have the copy for Wow, look at my tree.
Um You see? I told you it was a great tree.
I told you it would be beautiful.
Actually I think we've all learned a valuable lesson.
Every living creature deserves to feel loved, to feel needed, especially at Christmas.
I mean, and if you just take the time to really look, you could find beauty in Oh, in the most unlikely places.
Like in the garbage.
Yes, even in the garbage! Everyone's here! Let's open some presents! Oh, look at him, he's like a little kid.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Ha, relax, Dennis.
You'll get yours.
As will you.
All right, let's open some stuff! What's your rush? Well, I'm sure Persky here has to get to temple before sundown or something.
Could you show a little consideration for our Jewish friends? Actually, Hanukkah was last week and Ah, zip it, Persky.
Before we get to the presents, how about a toast? All right.
Allow me.
To opening presents! Hey, good idea.
How about I go first? Okay.
This is from Maya, Nina, Elliott and me.
Ah! Wonder what it is? Turtles of the world.
Oh, it's just what I've always wanted.
This makes my hard work, low pay and lack of respect all seem worthwhile.
And look, it's this year's calendar! I'll cherish this for the next eight days.
Okay.
Your turn.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Open this one up, Elliott.
It's from me.
Wait, Dennis! You have to look on December 25th! "Bon Voyage"? What does that mean? (CHUCKLES) We all chipped in to get you a trip to Turtle Bay resort in Hawaii.
And we also rented one of those mopeds, like you like.
NINA: You leave on Sunday.
(ALL LAUGH) Huh? It's just our way of saying thank you for everything you do for us all year.
Merry Christmas, Dennis.
Merry Christmas.
NARRATOR: Now, I don't know for sure, but so I am told.
The Finch's black heart turned completely to gold.
Nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.
NARRATOR: For once the Finch felt like more than a peasant.
Then he noticed that Elliott had opened his present.
"To Elliott, from Finch.
Take that, you baldheaded loser.
" What the hell? NARRATOR: A Finch, he is clever.
He always survives.
(SIREN WAILING) Fire! Fire! Run for your lives! NARRATOR: And those jingle bells rang from New York to New Jersey, Merry Christmas to all, and Happy Hanukkah to Persky.
PERSKY: Thank you, sir.
* Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's got a mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *