Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e18 Episode Script

Miss Pretty

Hey, it's 1:30.
Where's Nina? Who knows? These meetings have become a disorganized mess.
Which is why last night I jotted down a few ways to help us focus.
Hmm.
All I see here is the word "ideas" and drawings of fighter planes blowing up Godzilla.
Not bad, huh? Hey, did we hire a new Miss Pretty? Yeah, a few months ago.
Why? Because her advice has gotten much better.
I let Dennis pick her.
Good work, boy.
(BARKS) Well, maybe it's 'cause she helped me get through my breakup, but everything she says really resonates.
Who'd you break up with? Paul.
Can't believe I went out with him.
It's weird how you can grow in such a short time.
Oh, Paul called.
Really? Did he leave his new number? He didn't call.
Oh, good.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
I I just had the most horrific experience.
Oh, did Dorothy's house fall on you? Back off, Munchkin.
So, I'm walking down Fifth Avenue, and who do I spot but my friend, Binnie.
So, of course, I wave and say, "Whoo-hoo.
Over here.
" And then I remembered, Binnie's in Maine having her third husband exhumed.
Much to my dismay, I had "whoo-hooed" that chatty bore, Carol Flankenship.
Chatty, chatty, chatty Nina, let's stay focused.
Thanks, Jack.
So, get this.
She marches across the street, and suddenly, I'm roped into having lunch with her.
Two years of calculated snubs and cold shoulders undone by one "whoo-hoo.
" That woman is so obnoxious.
Every other word out of her mouth is "delicious.
" "Oh, your coat is delicious.
Oh, that movie was delicious.
"Oh, look at the moon.
Isn't it delicious?" Where the hell is the Chinese food? I'm starving.
Stop saying delicious.
All right, for the last time, would everyone please focus? Jack, your Slushie machine's here.
Meeting adjourned.
Hey, Finch.
Do you have the new Miss Pretty's phone number? Why? Because I'm writing this article called "Smart Women, Smart Choices," and she'd be the perfect interview.
I'd love to have her come in.
Mmm.
Not a good idea.
Why not? Here's the thing, Maya.
The Miss Pretty I hired is a guy.
What? Well, of all the submissions, he had the most sensitive answers.
And if I would have hired a less qualified girl, that would have been sexual discrimination.
You're taking half of his money, aren't you? It's called a finder's fee.
All right? And if he don't pay, he can find himself another job.
What's up? Well, I guess I can't use her for my article.
Well, we'll get 'em next time.
Wait a minute.
A guy who knows women better than women do? I think I have an article he'd be perfect for.
You do? Yeah.
Get me a meeting.
Today, if possible.
That's not my job.
What is your job? (WHISPERS) No one knows.
Finally.
What took you so long? I'm starving.
Please, tell me you remembered my egg rolls.
These aren't egg rolls.
They're perfume samples.
That's right.
You're not from Szechuan Garden, are you? No, I'm from Todd Herman.
Kevin Tanaka, Senior Vice President, ad sales.
I'm so sorry.
We ordered Chinese food and I saw you with the bag I'm Japanese! Of course.
Please tell Jack Gallo our meeting is cancelled.
No.
No, stay.
Stay.
We've got Chinese coming.
That wasn't so bad, huh? Even I'm offended.
Hey, Kurt, thanks for stopping by.
This better be good.
I got an important deposition to prepare for.
Lose the attitude.
You're not a lawyer.
You're a professional victim.
Who only has three days to master the symptoms of rabies.
I don't see a nickel if I ain't foaming like the Jersey shore.
Listen, I have an opportunity for you to make some serious coin.
Oh, yeah.
How serious? Twenty-five bucks.
I'm listening.
All you have to do is pretend you're the guy who writes this column.
"Ask Miss Pretty.
" No problem.
I've played a woman before.
There's a wealthy couple in California who's been waiting eight months for my baby.
No, no, no.
Miss Pretty's a guy.
You mean, like a she-male? No.
Well, then what kind of freak writes this? He's kind of a loner, rides from town-to-town on a Harley, running from a crime he didn't commit, and taking time out to keep the ladies happy.
It's you, isn't it? Yes.
(LAUGHING) I can't wait to tell the guys at the You'll tell no one.
If this gets out where I work, the taunting will never cease, and believe me, I've got it coming.
"Dear Perplexed.
Before you give him your heart, "find out how he treats his mother.
" Oh, yeah.
You might want to keep that quiet.
Hey, look.
I'm cool.
I'm just doing it for the cash.
But I'll be damned if I'll let "Kathy from Kentucky" move in with some emotionally unavailable playboy! You're into some weird scat, bro.
Look, I never asked for this talent.
It's a curse.
You think Peter Parker wanted to be bitten by that radioactive spider? No.
Of course not.
But like a superhero, he did his duty.
And by the way, that guy wore spandex, which is way gayer than anything I'm doing.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Thank you.
I'll pick up lunch.
No, no, it's okay.
I got it.
Oh, my God! There's a Band-Aid in my salad! Hey, Maya.
This is Kurt Bell, a.
k.
a.
the new Miss Pretty.
Wow.
This is a real pleasure.
I am such a fan of your work.
It's so insightful.
Your advice about letting go really touched me.
Oh, well.
If I can touch just one woman a day Well, you've met him.
Let's go, Kurt.
Don't be ridiculous.
He just got here.
Thanks, Finch, you can go now.
You know what I find makes an ordinary afternoon special? A tasty cafe mocha with just a hint of cinnamon.
Do you mind? Yes.
Forget it.
Oh, and could you put a lid on it? I'd hate to spill it all over the office.
Yes, Miss Pretty.
You wanted to see me, Jack? Yes.
Come in.
(SLURPING) Sit.
So, I received an interesting phone call earlier today.
Really? In fact, it was from someone I think you've met.
Care to hazard a guess? I know lots of people.
I'll give you a hint.
He's not a delivery guy.
I'm so sorry, Jack.
I was just so hungry.
I hardly had any breakfast.
Only an apple from the Korean grocer downstairs.
I mean, I think he's Korean.
Actually, I shouldn't even say.
He's just a grocer.
A human grocer.
Just like you or me.
I mean, if we were grocers.
Elliott, how could you do something like that? I know.
I know.
I feel horrible.
I wish I could fix this.
Do you realize the position you've put me in? Here's a guy walks in with a big piece of business and you insult him.
(WHIMPERING) I'm sorry, Jack.
Somehow I convinced him to come back here.
I want you to apologize to him.
Of course.
I'll do whatever I have to.
Oh, here he is now.
Stay here.
Give me a minute to smooth things over.
Hey, Kevin, Jack Gallo.
Listen, I am personally appalled by Elliott's behavior.
We foster an atmosphere of tolerance at Blush magazine.
In fact, we have many Asian-Americans working here.
I know.
I'm one of them.
I'm Jim Wong, from Legal.
Oh, right, the new guy.
No, that's David Chang.
I've worked here two-and-a-half years.
Enjoying yourself? People treating you okay? They were.
(LAUGHS) Good one! Wong, you're one in a billion.
Million.
Finch, is it worth cutting off a toe to get into a really hot pair of shoes? They make your legs look great.
Goodbye, little piggy.
Oh, my God! Carol Flankenship.
Where can I hide? Quick, behind this pencil.
Nina, darling, there you are.
Listen, Carol.
I Wow! A hug.
Such a delicious welcome.
Well, actually, I Oh, I missed you, too.
But that's all in the past.
From now on, we've got great times ahead.
Wonderful.
Delicious.
You know, I really am rather busy.
Oh, then we should start.
Start? We've got so much catching up to do.
I've brought pictures from my trip to Epcot Center.
I'm telling you, Nin, I don't know where to go next year.
Oh, I can think of a place, if you don't mind dry heat.
I don't know, I guess I just believe in total honesty.
If that makes me vulnerable, then so be it.
Well, most men aren't that brave.
Most men aren't Miss Pretty.
Anyway, Sounds great.
We're going out to dinner.
What a nice guy.
I owe you one.
What a nice ass.
I owe you one.
DENNIS: "Dear Miss Pretty, my boyfriend says "the best way to test the strength of our love "and commitment is seeing other people.
"Does this make sense? I just want him to be happy.
"Sincerely, Becky Howard, 17, Kansas.
" (GROANS) Wow.
"Dear Becky.
"We all so achingly want to believe in love, "but sometimes all we do is trick ourselves while seasons pass and" Dennis? I was just typing.
What? What's that? Never mind.
I wouldn't know anything about that.
Hey, Finch.
Hey, hey, hey.
So how'd it go last night? Great.
I really like him.
You're kidding.
He's so easy to talk to.
It was the perfect night.
I mean, until he found a tooth in his pudding.
They comped us the meal, but I am never going back there again.
You know what the most endearing thing about Kurt is? Sometimes he says something that's crude or borderline misogynistic because he's so embarrassed about how sensitive he is.
It's like he DENNIS: "Dear Blind at Blush.
"Sometimes we yearn for that special connection so badly "that we overlook the painful truth.
" No, focus! Focus! but on the other hand, maybe I should go away with him for the weekend.
Right.
What? Go away with him? Well, we'd have separate rooms.
He's a perfect gentleman.
You can't go away with him.
Who's Maya going away with? DENNIS: Miss Pretty.
Well, well, well.
It's all making sense.
You know, I suppose I knew it from the first time I met you.
You with your feminist ideas, your black coffee, and that masculine way you sit at a desk.
Nina, for the last time, I'm not a lesbian.
Oh, please.
I've seen the way you walk by, shaking your tush.
I know that's for me.
Well, bad news, toots, my bus doesn't stop there.
So, how's your soup? Warm and soothing.
And I should know, I'm Miss Pretty.
You know, I loved what you wrote last month to that waitress from Ohio about how she felt there were no more Prince Charmings.
(EXCLAIMS) Yeah, that was a good one.
How do you do it? How do you get inside a woman's head like that? It's simple, really.
I mean, who doesn't know that what a woman really needs from a man is What's the word? Respect? Caring? Both.
And a guy and his special lady don't stand a chance unless they Communicate.
Communicate.
Jinx! That's fun.
Maya, Jack needs you, stat.
Now? Stat.
Can't I at least Stat! You are so annoying.
You could learn something from Kurt.
I'll see you tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, Maya's a friend and my boss' daughter.
She's very vulnerable right now.
I think you should back off.
Dude, I hooked you up with my sister.
And I know for a fact, you got to second.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some business to attend to.
Hello, ladies.
I'm Phil Collins.
(SLURPING) Hey, Jack, you ever find out why Kevin from Todd Herman never showed up? Well, it seems he took a wrong turn on Sixth Avenue and accidentally drove into a Starbucks.
Common mistake.
Could happen to anyone.
(STAMMERING) Anyway, he's on his way over now.
Oh, good.
'Cause I really need to apologize to him.
You know, Elliott, maybe the lesson here is the world is really one big Slurpee.
How's that? Well, we're all made of the same thing.
Water, ice, some syrup.
And no matter what color we are, red, yellow, brown, we're all equally terrific.
But blue's the best.
Well, yeah, blue is the best.
Hey, not so fast.
You'll get brain freeze.
I'll get a what Oh, so cold! (LAUGHING) You people are unbelievable.
What's the matter? I will never buy another ad in your magazine.
Kevin, where you going? Did you see that? It must be the year of the jackass.
Nina, there you are.
Carol.
Well, you know, I was in the neighborhood and I thought maybe we could have lunch.
Do a little shopping, maybe a movie, then dinner.
All right, Carol, this has gone on long enough.
What's wrong, Nin? All right, look.
I I have to be honest with you.
I didn't mean to wave at you the other day.
I didn't mean to hug you here in the office.
And I certainly didn't mean to become friends.
So, you can see why the idea of spending an entire afternoon with you would be abhorrent to me.
There, I said it.
Well, this is really humiliating.
I mean, why does this always happen? Oh, please.
Don't cry.
Nobody wants to be around me.
I'm sure that isn't true.
My friends cancel lunches, my husband always pretends to be napping.
What is it about me? No, no, no, no.
Carol Carol, it's not you.
It's me.
No, I've just had a bad day.
That's all.
Really? Yeah.
Look Look, why don't we just go downstairs and have a drink? Well, I'd like that.
Me, too.
Oh.
Well, this is great.
By the way, your purse is delicious.
Why don't you just eat it, then? Good night, Finch.
Where are you going? I told you.
Kurt and I are driving up to the country.
On a Friday? Yes, Rabbi.
I have to tell you, I think Kurt's a sleazeball.
Kurt's a sleazeball? You're taking half his salary and he's doing all the work.
Hey, Maya, ready to go? Yeah, let's do it.
I thought we could stop off at the hotel bar, grab a few margaritas, then go upstairs and make a video.
What? Watch a video.
What'd I say? Yeah.
Well, sure.
But look, if we're gonna get there so late, do you think we should call and confirm our rooms before we go? Already did it.
Two rooms.
Great.
Okay.
Good night, Finch.
Hope there's not a mix-up at the front desk.
I'm Miss Pretty! What? I'm Miss Pretty.
Kurt's just a front so no one would know it was me.
I don't know what he's talking about.
What are you doing, Finch? I'm trying to protect you.
I'm Miss Pretty.
Don't make me kick your ass.
I'm Miss Pretty.
What's going on? Maya, believe me, I wrote those columns.
I'll prove it.
Test us.
Huh? Ask us a Miss Pretty question and see who answers it like she does.
This is hurting my feelings.
Shut up! Ask us.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Let's see.
A lady from Tulsa says her 15-year marriage isn't what it used to be.
She fears her husband is losing interest.
How does she fix a faltering relationship? Kurt? Well, she should, you know, spring for a boob-job.
While a long-term relationship is always in danger of losing its luster, a couple can try new things to bring it back to life.
Role playing, a sexy weekend getaway Here's a tip.
Leave a mysterious message on your husband's voice mail to meet you at a hotel bar.
Show up in a wig, dark glasses and your sexiest outfit.
I think you'll find variety is indeed the spice of life.
Wow.
It is you.
You liked his better? See you, Kurt.
Oh, this blows.
Finch, you suck.
You suck.
Oh, by the way, my sister says you have hands like a girl.
Yeah, she's got boobs like a boy.
I can't believe you can write like that.
Why can't you act like that? I do, it just always comes out sarcastic.
Why didn't you tell me about this in the first place? It's embarrassing.
So you only admitted it to save me from going out with that creep? I don't think it's embarrassing.
I think it's wonderful.
It's just, I'm sensitive, and sometimes I'm scared people won't like the real me.
Oh, Finch.
Come on, it's me.
What are you * Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's got a mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *