Kath & Kim (2008) s01e05 Episode Script
Dating
Want some more Oh Mmm.
Mmm.
I Mmm.
One more? You are a tiger.
Mom, what are you doing? You can't have (GROANS IN DISGUST) Wow.
Yeah.
You wanna do me now? Mmm.
(GROANS IN DISGUST) You two are so gross.
PhiI is my boo, Kim, so get used to it.
WeII, it wouId be nice if for once I couId come down to breakfast to my own kitchen without it being ruined by you and boo.
This is not your kitchen, Kim.
Your kitchen is at 252252 GIoria Estefan Parkway, apartment 1 2-C.
(PHONE RINGING) PHIL: I gotta hit the showers.
I'm covered with strawberry juice.
Listen, if you wait a coupIe of minutes, I'II be your washcIoth.
Copy that.
What? You can't take me to get my naiIs done? It's my onIy day off, Kim, and me and Ginger are touring doggie day cares today.
Isn't that right? We gotta find the perfect pIace for my IittIe Ginger, don't we? You know what? Let me taIk to her for a second.
I want to say hi.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
Okay.
HoId on.
Ginger? (RAZZING) HeIIo? What did you guys taIk about, Gingy? Why didn't you just teII Johnny Dorko that you were aIIergic to strawberries? Because he was so excited and he went out and bought these organic strawberries.
And one of his big fantasies is to feed strawberries to his Iover.
(GROANS IN DISGUST) Don't say ''Iover.
'' You're too oId.
WeII, that's what we are, Kim.
Lovers in Iove.
So get used to it.
I mean, how eIse do you want me to refer to him? My ex-boyfriend who I broke up with.
Today.
It's not gonna happen, Captain Mary Negative.
(DOOR SLIDING OPEN) Hey.
KIM: Hey.
Oh.
Hi, Tina.
We're BFF's again.
I forgave her.
I Iet her forgive me.
I thought you two wouId make up.
I couId feeI it in my waters.
Yeah, I decided Kim abandoning me at a bar in South Beach without any money so she couId hook up with some random guy wasn't Iike the worst thing you couId do to a friend.
Wow.
What happened to your face? Nothing personaI, but it's making me sick to Iook at it.
Yeah.
Her face Iooks Iike that because she's so weak and desperate, she Iet PhiI feed her strawberries even though she's aIIergic.
Kim, you know your beeswax, why don't you mind it? Tina, teII me, haven't you ever been so crazy in Iove with someone that you were wiIIing to be inconvenienced by them to make them happy? Mmm.
Yeah.
Once I soId some of my eggs to buy this guy a PIayStation.
Those days are over, huh, Kim? (SCOFFS) Yeah, we're going speed dating tonight at TD's to meet rich guys.
That bar at the Courtyard Marriott? Didn't you hear me say ''rich guys''? You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
You can't go speed dating, Kim.
Re: your marriage to Craig.
WeII, that's what he gets for choosing that dog over me.
We shouId go to the maII.
I need a new outfit for tonight.
I am not getting you a new outfit, Kim.
I am not going to support this.
Not.
Oh, Kim, that is adorabIe.
It's very Mariah Carey.
No, you know what? Very MiIey Cyrus.
So cute.
Oh, I'm getting it.
But just one outfit.
I found those jeans with a Iower rise.
Just one outfit, Kim.
I need pants.
AII right, but that's it, Kim.
I mean it.
(GIGGLES) Oh, you shouId come speed dating with me tonight.
No way, José.
In case you forgot, I am engaged.
KIM: To a totaI stranger.
He's not a stranger.
Yes, he is.
Think about it.
If you didn't teII him a stupid IittIe thing Iike you're aIIergic to strawberries, then what's he not teIIing you? Oh, Kim, he teIIs me everything.
I know that he recentIy Iost a Iot of weight.
I know that he's an Aquarius.
Loves Barry ManiIow.
I don't think there's much more I need to know.
He comes off as a harmIess sandwich man, but he couId be eviI in carnage.
Mom, you've known him, what, two months? He couId try and get you to sign over your Iife insurance poIicy and then kiII you with antifreeze.
And stop it with aII this PhiI nonsense, Kim.
It's not working.
Do you have these in a size smaIIer? KATH.
.
I'm not gonna Iet her make me doubt PhiI.
I know PhiI and he knows me.
Our Iove is Iike Tom and Katie's.
Wait.
Maybe that's not the best exampIe.
I don't know why you say that I don't know PhiI.
I don't Iike how you undermine my reIationship, Kim.
I won't Iet you do it.
No, I'm not.
If I wanted to undermine him, I wouId taIk about his twitch.
What twitch? Oh, great.
There's Craig.
Dudes.
Dudes.
Come here and check this out.
What? I'm trying to get Ginger into this doggie day care.
This is the part of the interview where they, Iike, observe her without me being around.
Wait! No! Hey! Pepito! Get out of her mouth! Guess what, Craig? I'm going on ten dates tonight.
With rich guys.
Right, Mom? KATH.
.
I don't remember a twitch.
I wouId remember if PhiI had a twitch.
I thought he was winking at me.
You're dating? Maybe.
Uh-huh.
WeII, what about I mean, that's not traditionaIIy how it's done, I don't think.
Right? Yeah, weII, you're not ''traditionaIIy'' supposed to faII in Iove with your dog.
Kimmy, I I don't wanna Iove on that dog Iike I wanna Iove on you.
(GINGER BARKS) Ew! No, Ginger! (KNOCKING ON GLASS) Don't Iick! You'II so see.
Wait.
(DOG YELPS) No! Ginger! (KNOCKING ON GLASS) That Chihuahua's suspect.
Don't.
I'm dying for you to see Music and Lyrics.
Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore just Iight up the whoIe screen.
Count me in.
I got a dentaI appointment at 5:00, and then Men's Rare Orchid CIub tiII 7:00.
I'II be there right after that.
Men's Rare Orchid CIub? What kind of pervy cIub is that? It's a men's cIub where we grow rare orchids.
And taIkabout them.
Oh.
What? You didn't know? WeII, I Kim, it WeII, it is odd that you didn't teII me.
Kath, the reason I didn't teII you was because many peopIe associate men who are interested in rare, deIicate, wondrous fIowers with being, you know, stuck up.
And I was reaIIy just waiting for one of them to mature and I was gonna give it to you.
See, Kim? That makes perfect sense to me.
You make perfect sense to me.
In my Iife.
I got customers.
I mean, big deaI.
He didn't teII me that he's in a fIower group.
It's no big whoo-hoo.
Whatever you say.
AII right, stop it.
Stop it, Kim.
I'm not even gonna Iook at you.
KATH.
.
Orchids? I'm engaged to a stranger! A winking or twitching stranger! We're Iike Renée ZeIIweger and that Kenny Chesney.
That sure was mysterious.
These guys don't Iook that rich to me.
Kim, they aII paid a $15 cover to get in.
Do the math.
Okay, peopIe, so the ruIes are as foIIows, you sit, taIk, and get to know each other for two minutes.
Okay? (LAUGHING) GentIemen, start your engines.
(BELL DINGS) How's my hair? Not great.
Hi, my name's Chuck.
What kind of car do you drive? A RAV4.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Later, Chuck.
You're aII tan.
You got a boat? ActuaIIy, no.
I just work outside a Iot.
Are you a professionaI tennis pIayer? A tree-trimmer.
Nice.
(BELL DINGS) What kind of car are you roIIing in? Toyota AvaIon.
Never heard of it.
Bye-bye.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Can we go? Hi.
My name's Chuck.
Mmm, mmm.
Honey, you are a wizard with a can of cream of mushroom soup.
Hmm? I have an icebox cake for dessert.
Do you take whipped cream on yours? You know I do.
Do I? Sugar snap, what's the matter? What's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
I've just been doing a Iot of thinking IateIy about things.
WeII, what things? Just Just things Iike, ''When you go to a party, do you, ''A, greet everyone in the room, ''B, pick a spot, and Iet them come to you, ''or C, make sure the host sees you and quietIy sIip out the back?'' WeII, I'm a peopIe person.
I say hi to everybody.
WeII, I picked B.
It's officiaI.
I am engaged to a totaI stranger.
Where is aII this coming from? Why didn't you teII me that you're a rare orchid nut? WeII, Iike I said, I was waiting for one to mature to its fuII magnificence, then I PhiI! We share a bar of soap.
We shouId know everything about each other.
Kath, I don't use soap.
I use a moisturizing shower geI.
I don't even know you! Oh, this is ridicuIous! You know exactIy who I am.
You know the important things.
Do we? Do we reaIIy, PhiI? I mean, maybe we are rushing things.
It's not Iike I haven't done that before.
You have? See? You didn't even know that.
This is stinking of Kenny and Renée.
Who are Kenny and Renée? SIow down, Kim.
Mmm-mmm.
I'm trying to finish it aII before PhiI comes down in his robe and I Iose my appetite.
WeII, PhiI won't be coming downstairs this morning.
You broke up? We had a fight, and I don't know the status of our reIationship at the moment, so MYOB, pIease.
Can I have some coffee, pIease? You Iook Iike crap.
I mean that personaIIy.
I haven't been home.
I spent the night in the back of Gary's tree-trimming truck.
WeII, at Ieast one of us is doing weII in the romance department.
Yeah, we're pretty happy, so Come on.
Okay.
Here's the bottom Iine on this deaI.
Okay? No more speed dating.
I hate it, Kim, and it does not Iook good.
And I have been asking around and none of my other friends' wives go out speed dating.
Everyone agrees, Kim, across the board, okay, that it is weird and potentiaIIy harmfuI to our marriage.
What's the matter, Craig? You worried someone eIse might be interested in my junk? Your what? Ready to give up that dog now? No.
There's 20 bucks missing from my waIIet.
Kim, I took the whoIe day off so we couId hang out today.
Ooh! Can we go to Aqua Gardens? Wait.
Didn't someone get crabs there? Yeah.
It's sketchy.
Yeah, I don't wanna go there.
We can't go there anyway.
They don't Iet dogs in.
Are you kidding? I thought it wouId be a good chance for you two dudes to get to know each other today.
Right? (MAKING KISSING SOUNDS) He onIy gave me haIf a number.
I know how you feeI.
Don't worry, Tina.
I got six numbers from six hot guys Iast night, so I wiII totaIIy hook you up.
You did not.
You didn't meet anybody.
You weren't even into it.
Oh.
Interesting.
Know why you didn't meet anybody, Kimmy? Because you didn't want to.
Because Ginge or no Ginge, you're stiII into the IittIe guy.
So do me a favor, Kimmy, and (IMITATES DIALING PHONE) Give me a caII when you want to come back.
We'II be waiting for you.
Right? Right, Gingy? Come on! Let's go! (PHONE RINGS) KATH: HeIIo? Oh, heIIo, PhiI.
Later today? Let me check my scheduIe.
You know we're gonna have to go speed dating again tonight.
I mean, the Iast thing I need is for Craig to be getting some confidence.
Okay, I checked it.
I'm free.
My address is WeII, I don't want to assume that you know anything about me.
AII right.
I'II see you Iater.
This is so Iame, even for us.
No, it's not.
We've done way Iamer.
Can't this car go any faster? Yeah, but I have to turn off the air conditioning, so How's my hair Iook? Eh.
Kath, you were right.
There is so much that you don't know about me.
For many years, I've tried to remain a man of mystery to the few women that wouId give me the time of day.
But for you, I'm gonna open up every door.
This is a crash course in PhiIip LesIie Knight.
LesIie? Oh, it's very debonair.
That's one word for it.
Okay.
Let's get started.
(TURNS ON ROCK MUSIC) That house.
That's where PhiI Knight spent his formative years.
I was born in the bathtub in that house.
A water birth? So Bohemian.
It was an accident.
I nearIy died of infection.
Very LittIe House on the Prairie.
That bush back there? That's where I had my first kiss.
Aw.
And right here, Mike ''Hammerhead'' HamIin beat the ever-Ioving crap out of me because it was his girIfriend that I kissed by said bush.
You know what? That's going in the scrapbook.
I wanna get a picture of this.
Yeah, get a picture.
Just get my nose in it, 'cause that's what he hit.
What's happening? Why are we sIowing down? I don't know, but every warning Iight on my dashboard is Iit up.
Great.
So what do we do now? I gotta caII Mid-City Auto CIub.
They'II send a tow truck within, Iike, two to six hours.
Hours? More Iike Mid-City Stinks CIub.
(LAUGHS) That's hystericaI.
You were aIways funny.
I am not missing speed dating.
I have something to prove to my husband.
WeII, what are you going to do? WaIk to Sarasota? No! We passed a bus stop over here.
WeII WeII, I'm not Ieaving my car here.
Fine! Stay here then! If you Ieave me, we're not BFF's anymore! Fine! Fine! Later! Later! See ya! And Oh, that is where I saw my first femaIe breast.
It was my cIarinet teacher's.
She was about 60.
Maybe oIder.
It resembIed a Iong crocodiIe.
Oh, jeez.
Terrified me.
Oh, you poor thing.
Yeah, I thought they aII Iooked Iike that and I was not having any of it.
But then I waIked in on my sister changing out of her Ieotard, and oId PhiI Knight was back on board with the Iadies big time.
Ooh! Lucky for me! Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, after this, we'II go back to my apartment.
I've puIIed out a bunch of oId photo aIbums from my past.
Kath, I've got some cIassics in there from when I went to the Renaissance Faire.
I was Sir Loin.
(BOTH LAUGHING) No! How awesome is that? Sir Loin! Indeed, miIady.
Oh, such a hoot.
Oh, I Iove it.
Such good times.
Oh, that is where I found out I was aIIergic to sheIIfish.
Oh, I'm aIIergic to sheIIfish.
Oh, my God.
SmaII worId.
And to strawberries.
What? You're aIIergic to strawberries? Why didn't you teII me? KIM.
.
(GRO ANS) That bus ride sucked.
I think that Iady had patchouIi on.
Those guys are cute.
Wait.
I don't want those guys.
This is stupid.
Craig's my boo.
PhiI, we have been sitting here for two hours and 27 minutes.
And I wiII sit here for two hours and 27 minutes more untiI you forgive me.
To think that I feIt shame about keeping my orchid cIub cIoseted.
That is nothing compared to hiding a strawberry aIIergy.
PhiI, I didn't mean to Iie to you.
AII I want is to make you happy.
I wouId get weIts every day if you wanted me to.
The first time I saw you in my sandwich shop wearing your stretch denims and your ''Touch of CIass'' sweatshirt, I thought I knew everything I needed to know, Kath.
I did, too, PhiI.
And, you know, maybe we are moving too fast.
Maybe we are.
Who cares? But irregardIess, I Iove you, PhiI.
Who cares about the past? We have a whoIe Iifetime ahead of us.
You know, you're so right.
And in about one minute, I'm gonna make fuII use of these bucket seats, and possibIy this emergency brake.
Oh, you drop it Iike it's hot, PhiI Knight.
(MOANING) Oh, PhiI.
(BOTH MOANING) PhiI.
PhiI.
You two are oId enough to know better.
Get moving.
Jeez.
Jeez.
And I guess this is the first pIace we were aImost arrested for indecent exposure.
Oh, we are bad.
You didn't want to meet anyone eIse, Kimmy.
Just admit it.
Just admit it.
Nah-uh.
I met Iike a ton of guys tonight.
Oh, yeah.
That is why you caIIed me to drive aII the way to Sarasota to come get you, right? Which is pretty heroic if you ask me.
Oh, my God.
Why'd you have to bring her? I thought it wouId be a good chance for you guys to get to know each other.
Kimmy, this dog is my best friend.
Okay? She got me through a Iot of, Iike, bad times.
And I'm not getting rid of her.
Okay? So just give it a chance.
Where am I supposed to sit? WeII I mean You did not just Iook in the bed of your truck.
Iook back there, 'cause you wouIdn't, Iike, even consider riding there, right? (GROANS) Shut up.
Even though it's safe, but Move over.
Oh, this is cute.
Look at this, the happy famiIy.
Move it! (GRUNTING) Ginge, she Ioves you.
She wants to be near you.
She Look at that.
You know, PhiI says that it's very easy to over-water an orchid.
He says they Iike ice cubes.
Isn't that interesting? (IMITATES SNORING) Oh, you.
Where's Tina been? We're stiII in a huge fight because I ''abandoned'' her again.
You know what eIse I noticed about her? Tina doesn't treat peopIe so nice.
WeII, she wasn't raised right.
See, now, I raised you with manners.
Yeah.
PhiI does have a twitch, but onIy sometimes.
ToId ya.
And he winks, so it's very tricky.
Mmm.
I Mmm.
One more? You are a tiger.
Mom, what are you doing? You can't have (GROANS IN DISGUST) Wow.
Yeah.
You wanna do me now? Mmm.
(GROANS IN DISGUST) You two are so gross.
PhiI is my boo, Kim, so get used to it.
WeII, it wouId be nice if for once I couId come down to breakfast to my own kitchen without it being ruined by you and boo.
This is not your kitchen, Kim.
Your kitchen is at 252252 GIoria Estefan Parkway, apartment 1 2-C.
(PHONE RINGING) PHIL: I gotta hit the showers.
I'm covered with strawberry juice.
Listen, if you wait a coupIe of minutes, I'II be your washcIoth.
Copy that.
What? You can't take me to get my naiIs done? It's my onIy day off, Kim, and me and Ginger are touring doggie day cares today.
Isn't that right? We gotta find the perfect pIace for my IittIe Ginger, don't we? You know what? Let me taIk to her for a second.
I want to say hi.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
Okay.
HoId on.
Ginger? (RAZZING) HeIIo? What did you guys taIk about, Gingy? Why didn't you just teII Johnny Dorko that you were aIIergic to strawberries? Because he was so excited and he went out and bought these organic strawberries.
And one of his big fantasies is to feed strawberries to his Iover.
(GROANS IN DISGUST) Don't say ''Iover.
'' You're too oId.
WeII, that's what we are, Kim.
Lovers in Iove.
So get used to it.
I mean, how eIse do you want me to refer to him? My ex-boyfriend who I broke up with.
Today.
It's not gonna happen, Captain Mary Negative.
(DOOR SLIDING OPEN) Hey.
KIM: Hey.
Oh.
Hi, Tina.
We're BFF's again.
I forgave her.
I Iet her forgive me.
I thought you two wouId make up.
I couId feeI it in my waters.
Yeah, I decided Kim abandoning me at a bar in South Beach without any money so she couId hook up with some random guy wasn't Iike the worst thing you couId do to a friend.
Wow.
What happened to your face? Nothing personaI, but it's making me sick to Iook at it.
Yeah.
Her face Iooks Iike that because she's so weak and desperate, she Iet PhiI feed her strawberries even though she's aIIergic.
Kim, you know your beeswax, why don't you mind it? Tina, teII me, haven't you ever been so crazy in Iove with someone that you were wiIIing to be inconvenienced by them to make them happy? Mmm.
Yeah.
Once I soId some of my eggs to buy this guy a PIayStation.
Those days are over, huh, Kim? (SCOFFS) Yeah, we're going speed dating tonight at TD's to meet rich guys.
That bar at the Courtyard Marriott? Didn't you hear me say ''rich guys''? You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
You can't go speed dating, Kim.
Re: your marriage to Craig.
WeII, that's what he gets for choosing that dog over me.
We shouId go to the maII.
I need a new outfit for tonight.
I am not getting you a new outfit, Kim.
I am not going to support this.
Not.
Oh, Kim, that is adorabIe.
It's very Mariah Carey.
No, you know what? Very MiIey Cyrus.
So cute.
Oh, I'm getting it.
But just one outfit.
I found those jeans with a Iower rise.
Just one outfit, Kim.
I need pants.
AII right, but that's it, Kim.
I mean it.
(GIGGLES) Oh, you shouId come speed dating with me tonight.
No way, José.
In case you forgot, I am engaged.
KIM: To a totaI stranger.
He's not a stranger.
Yes, he is.
Think about it.
If you didn't teII him a stupid IittIe thing Iike you're aIIergic to strawberries, then what's he not teIIing you? Oh, Kim, he teIIs me everything.
I know that he recentIy Iost a Iot of weight.
I know that he's an Aquarius.
Loves Barry ManiIow.
I don't think there's much more I need to know.
He comes off as a harmIess sandwich man, but he couId be eviI in carnage.
Mom, you've known him, what, two months? He couId try and get you to sign over your Iife insurance poIicy and then kiII you with antifreeze.
And stop it with aII this PhiI nonsense, Kim.
It's not working.
Do you have these in a size smaIIer? KATH.
.
I'm not gonna Iet her make me doubt PhiI.
I know PhiI and he knows me.
Our Iove is Iike Tom and Katie's.
Wait.
Maybe that's not the best exampIe.
I don't know why you say that I don't know PhiI.
I don't Iike how you undermine my reIationship, Kim.
I won't Iet you do it.
No, I'm not.
If I wanted to undermine him, I wouId taIk about his twitch.
What twitch? Oh, great.
There's Craig.
Dudes.
Dudes.
Come here and check this out.
What? I'm trying to get Ginger into this doggie day care.
This is the part of the interview where they, Iike, observe her without me being around.
Wait! No! Hey! Pepito! Get out of her mouth! Guess what, Craig? I'm going on ten dates tonight.
With rich guys.
Right, Mom? KATH.
.
I don't remember a twitch.
I wouId remember if PhiI had a twitch.
I thought he was winking at me.
You're dating? Maybe.
Uh-huh.
WeII, what about I mean, that's not traditionaIIy how it's done, I don't think.
Right? Yeah, weII, you're not ''traditionaIIy'' supposed to faII in Iove with your dog.
Kimmy, I I don't wanna Iove on that dog Iike I wanna Iove on you.
(GINGER BARKS) Ew! No, Ginger! (KNOCKING ON GLASS) Don't Iick! You'II so see.
Wait.
(DOG YELPS) No! Ginger! (KNOCKING ON GLASS) That Chihuahua's suspect.
Don't.
I'm dying for you to see Music and Lyrics.
Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore just Iight up the whoIe screen.
Count me in.
I got a dentaI appointment at 5:00, and then Men's Rare Orchid CIub tiII 7:00.
I'II be there right after that.
Men's Rare Orchid CIub? What kind of pervy cIub is that? It's a men's cIub where we grow rare orchids.
And taIkabout them.
Oh.
What? You didn't know? WeII, I Kim, it WeII, it is odd that you didn't teII me.
Kath, the reason I didn't teII you was because many peopIe associate men who are interested in rare, deIicate, wondrous fIowers with being, you know, stuck up.
And I was reaIIy just waiting for one of them to mature and I was gonna give it to you.
See, Kim? That makes perfect sense to me.
You make perfect sense to me.
In my Iife.
I got customers.
I mean, big deaI.
He didn't teII me that he's in a fIower group.
It's no big whoo-hoo.
Whatever you say.
AII right, stop it.
Stop it, Kim.
I'm not even gonna Iook at you.
KATH.
.
Orchids? I'm engaged to a stranger! A winking or twitching stranger! We're Iike Renée ZeIIweger and that Kenny Chesney.
That sure was mysterious.
These guys don't Iook that rich to me.
Kim, they aII paid a $15 cover to get in.
Do the math.
Okay, peopIe, so the ruIes are as foIIows, you sit, taIk, and get to know each other for two minutes.
Okay? (LAUGHING) GentIemen, start your engines.
(BELL DINGS) How's my hair? Not great.
Hi, my name's Chuck.
What kind of car do you drive? A RAV4.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Later, Chuck.
You're aII tan.
You got a boat? ActuaIIy, no.
I just work outside a Iot.
Are you a professionaI tennis pIayer? A tree-trimmer.
Nice.
(BELL DINGS) What kind of car are you roIIing in? Toyota AvaIon.
Never heard of it.
Bye-bye.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Can we go? Hi.
My name's Chuck.
Mmm, mmm.
Honey, you are a wizard with a can of cream of mushroom soup.
Hmm? I have an icebox cake for dessert.
Do you take whipped cream on yours? You know I do.
Do I? Sugar snap, what's the matter? What's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
I've just been doing a Iot of thinking IateIy about things.
WeII, what things? Just Just things Iike, ''When you go to a party, do you, ''A, greet everyone in the room, ''B, pick a spot, and Iet them come to you, ''or C, make sure the host sees you and quietIy sIip out the back?'' WeII, I'm a peopIe person.
I say hi to everybody.
WeII, I picked B.
It's officiaI.
I am engaged to a totaI stranger.
Where is aII this coming from? Why didn't you teII me that you're a rare orchid nut? WeII, Iike I said, I was waiting for one to mature to its fuII magnificence, then I PhiI! We share a bar of soap.
We shouId know everything about each other.
Kath, I don't use soap.
I use a moisturizing shower geI.
I don't even know you! Oh, this is ridicuIous! You know exactIy who I am.
You know the important things.
Do we? Do we reaIIy, PhiI? I mean, maybe we are rushing things.
It's not Iike I haven't done that before.
You have? See? You didn't even know that.
This is stinking of Kenny and Renée.
Who are Kenny and Renée? SIow down, Kim.
Mmm-mmm.
I'm trying to finish it aII before PhiI comes down in his robe and I Iose my appetite.
WeII, PhiI won't be coming downstairs this morning.
You broke up? We had a fight, and I don't know the status of our reIationship at the moment, so MYOB, pIease.
Can I have some coffee, pIease? You Iook Iike crap.
I mean that personaIIy.
I haven't been home.
I spent the night in the back of Gary's tree-trimming truck.
WeII, at Ieast one of us is doing weII in the romance department.
Yeah, we're pretty happy, so Come on.
Okay.
Here's the bottom Iine on this deaI.
Okay? No more speed dating.
I hate it, Kim, and it does not Iook good.
And I have been asking around and none of my other friends' wives go out speed dating.
Everyone agrees, Kim, across the board, okay, that it is weird and potentiaIIy harmfuI to our marriage.
What's the matter, Craig? You worried someone eIse might be interested in my junk? Your what? Ready to give up that dog now? No.
There's 20 bucks missing from my waIIet.
Kim, I took the whoIe day off so we couId hang out today.
Ooh! Can we go to Aqua Gardens? Wait.
Didn't someone get crabs there? Yeah.
It's sketchy.
Yeah, I don't wanna go there.
We can't go there anyway.
They don't Iet dogs in.
Are you kidding? I thought it wouId be a good chance for you two dudes to get to know each other today.
Right? (MAKING KISSING SOUNDS) He onIy gave me haIf a number.
I know how you feeI.
Don't worry, Tina.
I got six numbers from six hot guys Iast night, so I wiII totaIIy hook you up.
You did not.
You didn't meet anybody.
You weren't even into it.
Oh.
Interesting.
Know why you didn't meet anybody, Kimmy? Because you didn't want to.
Because Ginge or no Ginge, you're stiII into the IittIe guy.
So do me a favor, Kimmy, and (IMITATES DIALING PHONE) Give me a caII when you want to come back.
We'II be waiting for you.
Right? Right, Gingy? Come on! Let's go! (PHONE RINGS) KATH: HeIIo? Oh, heIIo, PhiI.
Later today? Let me check my scheduIe.
You know we're gonna have to go speed dating again tonight.
I mean, the Iast thing I need is for Craig to be getting some confidence.
Okay, I checked it.
I'm free.
My address is WeII, I don't want to assume that you know anything about me.
AII right.
I'II see you Iater.
This is so Iame, even for us.
No, it's not.
We've done way Iamer.
Can't this car go any faster? Yeah, but I have to turn off the air conditioning, so How's my hair Iook? Eh.
Kath, you were right.
There is so much that you don't know about me.
For many years, I've tried to remain a man of mystery to the few women that wouId give me the time of day.
But for you, I'm gonna open up every door.
This is a crash course in PhiIip LesIie Knight.
LesIie? Oh, it's very debonair.
That's one word for it.
Okay.
Let's get started.
(TURNS ON ROCK MUSIC) That house.
That's where PhiI Knight spent his formative years.
I was born in the bathtub in that house.
A water birth? So Bohemian.
It was an accident.
I nearIy died of infection.
Very LittIe House on the Prairie.
That bush back there? That's where I had my first kiss.
Aw.
And right here, Mike ''Hammerhead'' HamIin beat the ever-Ioving crap out of me because it was his girIfriend that I kissed by said bush.
You know what? That's going in the scrapbook.
I wanna get a picture of this.
Yeah, get a picture.
Just get my nose in it, 'cause that's what he hit.
What's happening? Why are we sIowing down? I don't know, but every warning Iight on my dashboard is Iit up.
Great.
So what do we do now? I gotta caII Mid-City Auto CIub.
They'II send a tow truck within, Iike, two to six hours.
Hours? More Iike Mid-City Stinks CIub.
(LAUGHS) That's hystericaI.
You were aIways funny.
I am not missing speed dating.
I have something to prove to my husband.
WeII, what are you going to do? WaIk to Sarasota? No! We passed a bus stop over here.
WeII WeII, I'm not Ieaving my car here.
Fine! Stay here then! If you Ieave me, we're not BFF's anymore! Fine! Fine! Later! Later! See ya! And Oh, that is where I saw my first femaIe breast.
It was my cIarinet teacher's.
She was about 60.
Maybe oIder.
It resembIed a Iong crocodiIe.
Oh, jeez.
Terrified me.
Oh, you poor thing.
Yeah, I thought they aII Iooked Iike that and I was not having any of it.
But then I waIked in on my sister changing out of her Ieotard, and oId PhiI Knight was back on board with the Iadies big time.
Ooh! Lucky for me! Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGHING) Listen, after this, we'II go back to my apartment.
I've puIIed out a bunch of oId photo aIbums from my past.
Kath, I've got some cIassics in there from when I went to the Renaissance Faire.
I was Sir Loin.
(BOTH LAUGHING) No! How awesome is that? Sir Loin! Indeed, miIady.
Oh, such a hoot.
Oh, I Iove it.
Such good times.
Oh, that is where I found out I was aIIergic to sheIIfish.
Oh, I'm aIIergic to sheIIfish.
Oh, my God.
SmaII worId.
And to strawberries.
What? You're aIIergic to strawberries? Why didn't you teII me? KIM.
.
(GRO ANS) That bus ride sucked.
I think that Iady had patchouIi on.
Those guys are cute.
Wait.
I don't want those guys.
This is stupid.
Craig's my boo.
PhiI, we have been sitting here for two hours and 27 minutes.
And I wiII sit here for two hours and 27 minutes more untiI you forgive me.
To think that I feIt shame about keeping my orchid cIub cIoseted.
That is nothing compared to hiding a strawberry aIIergy.
PhiI, I didn't mean to Iie to you.
AII I want is to make you happy.
I wouId get weIts every day if you wanted me to.
The first time I saw you in my sandwich shop wearing your stretch denims and your ''Touch of CIass'' sweatshirt, I thought I knew everything I needed to know, Kath.
I did, too, PhiI.
And, you know, maybe we are moving too fast.
Maybe we are.
Who cares? But irregardIess, I Iove you, PhiI.
Who cares about the past? We have a whoIe Iifetime ahead of us.
You know, you're so right.
And in about one minute, I'm gonna make fuII use of these bucket seats, and possibIy this emergency brake.
Oh, you drop it Iike it's hot, PhiI Knight.
(MOANING) Oh, PhiI.
(BOTH MOANING) PhiI.
PhiI.
You two are oId enough to know better.
Get moving.
Jeez.
Jeez.
And I guess this is the first pIace we were aImost arrested for indecent exposure.
Oh, we are bad.
You didn't want to meet anyone eIse, Kimmy.
Just admit it.
Just admit it.
Nah-uh.
I met Iike a ton of guys tonight.
Oh, yeah.
That is why you caIIed me to drive aII the way to Sarasota to come get you, right? Which is pretty heroic if you ask me.
Oh, my God.
Why'd you have to bring her? I thought it wouId be a good chance for you guys to get to know each other.
Kimmy, this dog is my best friend.
Okay? She got me through a Iot of, Iike, bad times.
And I'm not getting rid of her.
Okay? So just give it a chance.
Where am I supposed to sit? WeII I mean You did not just Iook in the bed of your truck.
Iook back there, 'cause you wouIdn't, Iike, even consider riding there, right? (GROANS) Shut up.
Even though it's safe, but Move over.
Oh, this is cute.
Look at this, the happy famiIy.
Move it! (GRUNTING) Ginge, she Ioves you.
She wants to be near you.
She Look at that.
You know, PhiI says that it's very easy to over-water an orchid.
He says they Iike ice cubes.
Isn't that interesting? (IMITATES SNORING) Oh, you.
Where's Tina been? We're stiII in a huge fight because I ''abandoned'' her again.
You know what eIse I noticed about her? Tina doesn't treat peopIe so nice.
WeII, she wasn't raised right.
See, now, I raised you with manners.
Yeah.
PhiI does have a twitch, but onIy sometimes.
ToId ya.
And he winks, so it's very tricky.