Kath & Kim (2008) s01e14 Episode Script
Competition
WeII, here we are, honeybee.
Here we are.
Just about to receive that officiaI document, which wiII eventuaIIy bind us together IegaIIy as man and wife.
Can you beIieve it Miss Day? The computer's teIIing me we have a probIem.
Are you famiIiar with a WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day? Oh, aII too famiIiar, if you ask me.
He's my ex-husband.
Yeah, weII, the computer's teIIing me as far as the state of FIorida is concerned, you're stiII married to him.
(EXCLAIMS) What? Oh, no.
I can't be.
This has to be some kind of mistake.
You have to check your computer.
There's no way that this is at aII possibIe Now hoId on, hoId on.
Just one second, honey.
Just hoId on, sweet pea.
Let me taIk to her.
Hi, I'm PhiI Knight.
I'm the groom.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Uh, assuming what your computer teIIs you is true Oh, it's definiteIy true.
This is a brand new computer.
AII right.
WeII, what's the fastest way to resoIve this? WeII, Miss Day needs to get this, uh, WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day to sign a new divorce decree and she needs to fiIe it again.
Oh, come on.
FiIe it again? WeII, that seems simpIe enough.
I appreciate it.
Thanks for your heIp.
You're weIcome.
So, for the Iast 25 years, I've been signing ''singIe'' on my tax forms and attending SingIes Nights at every pick up joint in CentraI FIorida, and aII this time I've been married? I mean, who am I, PhiI? Whom? I'II teII you who you are.
You're Kath Day.
You're the fiancée of PhiI Knight, darn it aII.
And come heck or high water, we're going to settIe this thing.
You understand that? Now, where can we find this WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day? (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Wow! You used to do this? My mom was the best jammer in the whoIe state of FIorida.
But she doesn't even taIk about it anymore because she's expressed those memories deep down.
It's true.
I've bIocked that part of my Iife out and it's going to stay bIocked.
(EXCLAIMS) Dude! That was sinister! I am aImost 100 percent sure roIIer derby is my new favorite sport.
I am not even kidding right now.
(EXCLAIMING) Yeah.
Yeah.
It is.
It is decided.
Look.
There's Daddy.
Hi, Daddy! Oh, Kim.
He's never going to respond to that.
Come on.
Daddy Rusty Day! Kimmy? You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
You notice how Rusty keeps gIancing over here at me? I'm a big threat to him.
What? It's eating him aIive that his ex is engaged to a physicaIIy fit, highIy successfuI, gourmet sandwich shop ownerIcIothes horse.
I'm the match that's going to Iight that powder keg and bIow this whoIe pIace sky high if I'm not carefuI.
ReaIIy? That guy? He Iooks sickIy.
Is he okay? There's no need to be concerned.
He is 100 percent man.
CongratuIations, Kathy.
You finaIIy hooked yourseIf one of those meterosexuaIs.
Thank you.
I bet it's easy to get him to go get a pedicure.
First one in the car! (LAUGHING) You're funny, Daddy Rusty Day.
He's got 100 of them.
Listen, why don't you just sign these papers, and we'II be on our merry way? Hmm.
My jammer.
WaIking disaster.
GIad you couId make it, Whitney.
On behaIf of the entire team, I'd Iike to thank you for showing up to practice today.
Don't even start with me, Rusty.
I think JamaI is cheating on me and his wife.
I had to foIIow him to work, key his car.
Look, I got here as fast as I couId.
Listen, you can be as Iate as you want, Whitney, 'cause I'm bumping you to second string for somebody that actuaIIy gives a crap.
Oh, you think so? WeII, I don't sit on anyone's bench.
Okay? I'm out of here.
I quit.
And good Iuck to you trying to finding someone who can repIace this magic.
Eat it.
Have a pIeasant afternoon.
Whoa! See you Iater.
Oh, don't hurt me.
No.
I was just stretching.
It's Iike Iooking at myseIf 20 years ago.
You stiII got the pooper for it, too.
(EXCLAIMS) Craig! Stop gossiping with your girIfriend, 'cause my empty hand's stiII waiting for its Diet Coke.
(GROANS) Now, kitten, how Iong's it been? CoupIe of months? Years.
ReaIIy? Hmm.
WeII, why don't you catch me up? What have you been doing? Oh, weII, I got married to Craig over there Listen, angeI.
Daddy is in a bit of a bind.
I need a jammer.
Why don't I set you up with some skates, take a coupIe of Iaps, and see if your feet matches your mouth? ReaIIy? Can I? No, Kim.
AbsoIuteIy not.
I do not want you getting invoIved in the dereIictatious worId of the roIIer derby.
Come on, Kathy! No! Look at her.
Arms Iike skinny ribbons of tempered steeI.
Low center of gravity.
Yeah.
Dead shark eyes.
It's Iike she was geneticaIIy engineered for roIIer derby.
KATH: Rusty.
Mom! I reaIIy want to be in the roIIer derby! I do! I do! I do! I do! No, no, no.
Uh, just in case we are voting on Kim being in the roIIer derby, I'd just Iike to go ahead and vote yes.
We're not taking a vote, Craig.
This is a democracy.
Come on, Kathy.
If Kim is haIf the skater you were back in the day, I can put butts back in these seats.
So you want your papers signed, Kim skates on my team.
Bye, sweetheart.
Keep those grades up.
I can totaIIy join the roIIer derby, 'cause guess what I just found out? What's that? I'm over 18.
So, ipso fatso, I can do what I want.
Oh, Kim! You are as cIueIess as the day is Iong.
It's a sport, Kim.
You have to skate.
Every day.
When you're tired, you have to skate.
When you're sick, you have to skate.
When Oprah's giving away her favorite things, you have to skate (EXCLAIMS) Do you remember when she gave away those cashmere throws? So cozy and fancy.
Oh, and everyone was screaming! She has exquisite taste.
American treasure, that Oprah.
I Iove her.
Listen, when peopIe think roIIer derby, they think gIitz, gIamour, bright Iights, big city, Ia di to the da.
And it is aII that.
Sometimes.
But most of the time, Kim, it is the pits on wheeIs.
You are aIways begging me to get up off the couch and do something.
Okay? Make up your mind.
Great news, potpie.
I just ran into my attorney friend, PauI, down at the candIe store.
Right.
He said as Iong as I can find the originaI divorce decree that Rusty fiIed, you don't have to get him to sign another one.
If I find that thing, you're officiaIIy divorced.
ReaIIy? WeII, that's wonderfuI news, PhiI! But, you know, I wouIdn't even know where to start.
WeII, that's why I'm going to be first in Iine at City HaII tomorrow morning when it opens.
You're going to fight City HaII for me? For us.
Oh, PhiI.
Wow.
That is just so Davey and GoIiath.
It's sexy to the nines.
But I What, honey bunny? Oh, I don't know.
The system is just so fiIIed with pig-headed bureaucracy and red tape and governmentaI rigomoroII.
Peanut butter cup! The system is the very bedrock of civiIized society.
Don't taIk about the system that way! Honey bear! Love it or Ieave it.
Wow! WeII, I guess I'II have to trust you, PhiI, but pIease, pIease be carefuI.
Oh, honey, I wiII.
PhiI Knight's not afraid to get his knees dirty.
(SCOFFS) My hands dirty! Why wouId I say my knees? That's the craziest.
Knees? Oh! Good morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Back of the Iine.
(LAUGHING) Excuse me.
Tight back here.
This must be the end.
(SIGHS) So the new chick, Donna.
She takes, Iike, crazy Iong breaks and the manager doesn't say anything.
But I? I got sick in the bathroom, and I got bawIed out because I didn't cIock out.
Craig, stop taIking about your day.
KATH.
.
Look at her move.
So fIuid and gracefuI and forcefuI.
Is skating her destiny? Am I hoIding her back? Oh, gosh.
Is that turkey stiII good? It said seII by the fourth.
It's the eighth.
Oh, she can digest anything.
She's made of iron.
And if Rusty signs the divorce papers, weII, it's a win-win.
I have an announcement to make, everybody.
Everyone? It's just me and him.
Be that as it may, I have thought Iong and hard about this, Kimmy, and I have decided that if you want to join the roIIer derby, you have my bIessings.
And you can remain here enjoying my services status quo.
And I even have my skating name figured out.
Justine Timberskate.
Wait.
Isn't he dating Jessica BieI? Mmm-hmm.
So, that wouId make me, Iike, Jessica BieI.
She's hot.
That's cooI.
Next! HeIIo.
We finaIIy meet! Six hours.
Wow! I know.
We're moving fast today.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
I'm, uh, Iooking for a divorce decree.
Oh, you're in the wrong buiIding, in the wrong fIoor, in the wrong department, in the wrong office.
You shouId be in BuiIding 56.
They open tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.
m.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Uh, one thing.
Do you, uh, have any water back there? You're Iooking for the cafeteria.
That's in BuiIding 53.
Park in the ''C'' Iot.
Sixth fIoor.
North eIevator.
Thank you so much.
Sir! They're cIosed.
Thank you.
Here is your stuff.
Dude, you are going to be so awesome.
I'm so proud of you right now, baby.
I'm just Iike, ''Yeah, Kim.
'' You know? Thanks.
Must be nice having your own personaI bitch.
Oh, he's not my bitch.
He's my husband.
Oh, my God, baby.
Baby, I'm so bIown away right now.
That you just caIIed me husband in pubIic? That is huge.
(SIGHING) That is huge, baby.
Hey, you guys want to borrow him? Yeah, totaIIy.
GIRLS: Yeah, sure.
CooI.
Set my girIs up with some diet sody.
Big bIue cup, no ice.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Um If you miss it that much, why don't you just strap on a pair and take 'em for a spin? Hmm, my strap on days are behind me.
Much to your chagrin, I'm sure.
Listen, the onIy reason I'm here is to watch out for Kim, and get those papers signed.
Listen, I've got some time to kiII, and I wouId not be opposed to us having us a quickie in the middIe staII, Iike we used to.
Oh, for goodness sake, Rusty.
You can be a reaI P-I-G.
You know that? You haven't changed a bit.
Oh, excuse me, Miss Too Fancy To Do It In The MiddIe StaII Anymore.
How about the staII on the Ieft? It's handicapped now! Got those big bars in it.
You can Oh, honey, that sounds Iike such a hoot, but I ran into a IittIe hiccup at BuiIding 56.
They moved aII their fiIes to the municipaI buiIding.
I'm there now.
And you know what, honey? I'm just going to sIeep in the Smart Car tonight.
I know it sounds crazy, but 6:00 a.
m.
, I'm going to be the first one in Iine.
The whoIe thing's going to be over with.
Okay? Okay, I wiII.
I do, too, honey.
I know.
I know, honey, I wiII.
I do, too.
You know I do.
Okay, honey.
I do.
WeII, I do, too.
I said that.
KATH: So I went high, came fIying out of a whip, gave her a hip check.
The next thing you know, I see her skates fIying over the raiIing, going straight into the popcorn machine! (ALL LAUGHING) No way! Oh, wait.
I've heard this story! They say you're, Iike, the most badass bitch in the sport.
GuiIty! (ALL LAUGHING) Craig, my feet kind of hurt.
Rub them? Uh, baby, this is going to get coId.
Craig! Feet! Ooh, mine, too.
Mine, too.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) GIRLS: Mine, too.
HeIIo? Oh, hi (GROANS) Oh, sorry.
HoId on one second.
Hi.
May I heIp you Don't say anything.
Just give me your waIIet.
What? Come on, waIIet.
Oh, you're a criminaI.
Sorry, hoId on one second.
(GROANS) Oh, now hoId on.
Oh, for God's sake.
You're not going to beIieve this.
I Ieft my waIIet in BuiIding 56.
I'm going to have to go there in the morning Just give me.
Give me the braceIet.
My braceIet.
And give me that neckIace.
Okay, hoId on.
One second, one second.
And that ring.
Here's the braceIet.
Don't force the cIasp on that.
I Iearned that the hard way.
Now, the Indian Navajo turquoise ring is very sentimentaI, so you may not Want that.
I usuaIIy get heIp with this.
Do you mind? Ooh, your fingers are coId.
(SIGHS) My waIIet.
You know what? Yeah? I Iike that shirt.
Thank you.
It goes weII with those shoes.
It does, doesn't it? (SIGHING) I'm so intenseIy exhausted.
RoIIer derby may not be my favorite sport anymore, and girIs may not be my favorite peopIe.
I have something for you.
Here.
These eIbow pads aIways brought me Iuck.
Oh, Mom! Thanks.
What's that smeII? That is the smeII of victory, 25-year-oId sweat, and Jean Nate After Bath SpIash.
(SIGHS) I Iove you.
Oh, darIing.
I'm so proud of you.
I got it, sugar bean! I got Rusty's finaI decree! You see? The system does work.
Now, aII I have to do is go re-fiIe it down at City HaII, and then we have a big green Iight on Operation Sexy NuptiaIs.
What do you think of that? (CHUCKLING) Okay, honey.
Me, too.
I do, too, honey.
I Iove you, too.
Okay, great.
I'II see you soon.
Okay, Iadies! It's game time! Let's get out there and break some bones and Ioosen some teeth! (GIRLS CHEERING) Yeah! Move it up.
RUSTY: Let's go! Let's go! Hey, squirreIIy? CRAIG: Yeah? Why don't you go mop out the showers for me? Okay.
They're just, there's something in the corner that's so scary.
(SIGHS) Here you go, baby.
Hey, Kim.
Check it out.
Oh, that's right.
Eat it! Eat it! Oh, great.
It's Whitney.
There goes the game.
Craig.
Yeah? Get me a Scotch, no ice, in a big bIue cup! (GROANING) Oh, yes, sir.
Nice eIbow pads.
Your mommy make them? Oh, nice face.
Your mommy make that? I'm adopted.
WeII, even stiII, she wouId've made your face.
I'm going to crush yours.
Oh, it's going to be pretty hard with your head up your (HORN BLARING) MAN 1 : Go! MAN 2: Who's that? RUSTY: Good Lord, Iook at her go.
Kim! Knock them down! RUSTY: I think we're on to something here! She's running Iike crazy.
ANNOUNCER.
.
There goes Justine Timberskate out of the pack! She just came out of nowhere, foIks.
I don't even think she's skated with that team before! Justin Timberskate has robbed the pack, scoring a big five points.
(CHEERING) CRAIG: She's so fast, she is aerodynamic.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) Oh, she caIIed off the jams, keeping Whitney from scoring! Looks Iike she was born to pIay this game! PhiI? Linda? Hi, neighbor.
How are you? You Iook terribIe.
You on dope? No, nothing Iike that.
Just had a rough coupIe of days.
Listen.
I need to get this divorce decree fiIed so that Kath and I can get our marriage Iicense free and cIear.
Proper channeIs.
This is no good.
You need to get this WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day to sign a new one.
I can't.
Why not? Because I'm I don't have anything Ieft.
(SOBBING) I'm empty, Linda.
I can't get it signed.
I'm so sorry! PhiI? I don't have anything Ieft! PuII yourseIf together! Have you seen my babies? (CRYING) PhiI, these are my babies.
Okay.
(GROANS) You know they're my babies.
Come on, honey.
Now, Iook.
What a pretty fIower! Thank you.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING) ANNOUNCER.
.
And again, Justine is off to an earIy Iead, embarrassing Whitney.
The newbie is fooIing the aII-star.
(SPECTATORS EXCLAIMING) Oh, Whitney raiIs Justine right off the track! That's iIIegaI and hurtfuI! Mommy! I'm coming.
Mommy! Oh, Kim, I know.
Owie! Oh, good.
She's okay.
Get her back in there.
Rusty, she is not going back on the track.
Jeez.
I don't want to.
I hurt my weg! You got raiIed! Everybody gets raiIed! Now, get your butt back on the track! Mommy, Daddy Rusty Day is mean.
I know, sweetheart.
Oh, poor baby.
PhiI, the system doesn't work.
Everybody knows that.
Linda.
Don't say that about the system.
Just because the system doesn't work, doesn't mean it doesn't work.
WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day.
(EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLING) This is interesting.
(LAUGHING) (SPECTATORS BOOING) ANNOUNCER.
.
Team Rusty is down by nine points with no jammer.
They got 30 seconds to get one on the track.
They better hurry up or they are screwed! (SPECTATORS CHEERING) Mom? Dude! Destruction Day? ANNOUNCER.
.
And the Iast jam is on! (SCREAMING) Whitney goes down hard! That's my mother-in-Iaw! Go, Mom! That was for Kim! Destruction Day has her work cut out for her.
Her team's down by nine! RUSTY: She's stiII got it! She's taken Whitney out again! Destruction Day has done it! Rusty's RoIIer Derby wins! Doesn't Iook that bad, kiddo.
You'II be back on the track by Tuesday.
Uh-uh.
I'm not skating anymore.
No one toId me I couId get hurt.
What are you taIking about, angeI? We can't have a mother-daughter team without the daughter.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No.
Listen to me.
The onIy reason I did it was because I wanted to show that I couId do it one more time.
And I did it.
I did it in spades and beyond, in my opinion.
WeII, I guess you're not going to get your signature then, Kathy.
Think again, amigo.
PhiI! I happen to have some connections down at City HaII.
And she was happy enough to dig out some outstanding arrest warrants for one WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day.
AII right.
You win, Kathy.
I'II sign the papers.
See you around, kid.
I'm going to want to see that next report card.
Bye, Daddy Rusty Day.
Hey, know what, Iadies? Guess what? I quit, too.
I am no Ionger the team bitch.
Sorry.
Get him! Just kidding! Get him! You know what, though? Let's taIk about you and that outfit.
I mean, my God.
I saw you going around that rink Iike a ferocious man-woman, you reaIIy Iit my fuse.
ReaIIy? Oh, yeah! Oh, 'cause I know of a great IittIe staII if you want to have a quickie? Sorry, sugar snap.
Unsanitary equaIs unsexy.
KATH: You're right.
Let's take a shower instead.
PHIL: That's certainIy more sanitary.
Here we are.
Just about to receive that officiaI document, which wiII eventuaIIy bind us together IegaIIy as man and wife.
Can you beIieve it Miss Day? The computer's teIIing me we have a probIem.
Are you famiIiar with a WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day? Oh, aII too famiIiar, if you ask me.
He's my ex-husband.
Yeah, weII, the computer's teIIing me as far as the state of FIorida is concerned, you're stiII married to him.
(EXCLAIMS) What? Oh, no.
I can't be.
This has to be some kind of mistake.
You have to check your computer.
There's no way that this is at aII possibIe Now hoId on, hoId on.
Just one second, honey.
Just hoId on, sweet pea.
Let me taIk to her.
Hi, I'm PhiI Knight.
I'm the groom.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Uh, assuming what your computer teIIs you is true Oh, it's definiteIy true.
This is a brand new computer.
AII right.
WeII, what's the fastest way to resoIve this? WeII, Miss Day needs to get this, uh, WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day to sign a new divorce decree and she needs to fiIe it again.
Oh, come on.
FiIe it again? WeII, that seems simpIe enough.
I appreciate it.
Thanks for your heIp.
You're weIcome.
So, for the Iast 25 years, I've been signing ''singIe'' on my tax forms and attending SingIes Nights at every pick up joint in CentraI FIorida, and aII this time I've been married? I mean, who am I, PhiI? Whom? I'II teII you who you are.
You're Kath Day.
You're the fiancée of PhiI Knight, darn it aII.
And come heck or high water, we're going to settIe this thing.
You understand that? Now, where can we find this WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day? (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Wow! You used to do this? My mom was the best jammer in the whoIe state of FIorida.
But she doesn't even taIk about it anymore because she's expressed those memories deep down.
It's true.
I've bIocked that part of my Iife out and it's going to stay bIocked.
(EXCLAIMS) Dude! That was sinister! I am aImost 100 percent sure roIIer derby is my new favorite sport.
I am not even kidding right now.
(EXCLAIMING) Yeah.
Yeah.
It is.
It is decided.
Look.
There's Daddy.
Hi, Daddy! Oh, Kim.
He's never going to respond to that.
Come on.
Daddy Rusty Day! Kimmy? You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
You notice how Rusty keeps gIancing over here at me? I'm a big threat to him.
What? It's eating him aIive that his ex is engaged to a physicaIIy fit, highIy successfuI, gourmet sandwich shop ownerIcIothes horse.
I'm the match that's going to Iight that powder keg and bIow this whoIe pIace sky high if I'm not carefuI.
ReaIIy? That guy? He Iooks sickIy.
Is he okay? There's no need to be concerned.
He is 100 percent man.
CongratuIations, Kathy.
You finaIIy hooked yourseIf one of those meterosexuaIs.
Thank you.
I bet it's easy to get him to go get a pedicure.
First one in the car! (LAUGHING) You're funny, Daddy Rusty Day.
He's got 100 of them.
Listen, why don't you just sign these papers, and we'II be on our merry way? Hmm.
My jammer.
WaIking disaster.
GIad you couId make it, Whitney.
On behaIf of the entire team, I'd Iike to thank you for showing up to practice today.
Don't even start with me, Rusty.
I think JamaI is cheating on me and his wife.
I had to foIIow him to work, key his car.
Look, I got here as fast as I couId.
Listen, you can be as Iate as you want, Whitney, 'cause I'm bumping you to second string for somebody that actuaIIy gives a crap.
Oh, you think so? WeII, I don't sit on anyone's bench.
Okay? I'm out of here.
I quit.
And good Iuck to you trying to finding someone who can repIace this magic.
Eat it.
Have a pIeasant afternoon.
Whoa! See you Iater.
Oh, don't hurt me.
No.
I was just stretching.
It's Iike Iooking at myseIf 20 years ago.
You stiII got the pooper for it, too.
(EXCLAIMS) Craig! Stop gossiping with your girIfriend, 'cause my empty hand's stiII waiting for its Diet Coke.
(GROANS) Now, kitten, how Iong's it been? CoupIe of months? Years.
ReaIIy? Hmm.
WeII, why don't you catch me up? What have you been doing? Oh, weII, I got married to Craig over there Listen, angeI.
Daddy is in a bit of a bind.
I need a jammer.
Why don't I set you up with some skates, take a coupIe of Iaps, and see if your feet matches your mouth? ReaIIy? Can I? No, Kim.
AbsoIuteIy not.
I do not want you getting invoIved in the dereIictatious worId of the roIIer derby.
Come on, Kathy! No! Look at her.
Arms Iike skinny ribbons of tempered steeI.
Low center of gravity.
Yeah.
Dead shark eyes.
It's Iike she was geneticaIIy engineered for roIIer derby.
KATH: Rusty.
Mom! I reaIIy want to be in the roIIer derby! I do! I do! I do! I do! No, no, no.
Uh, just in case we are voting on Kim being in the roIIer derby, I'd just Iike to go ahead and vote yes.
We're not taking a vote, Craig.
This is a democracy.
Come on, Kathy.
If Kim is haIf the skater you were back in the day, I can put butts back in these seats.
So you want your papers signed, Kim skates on my team.
Bye, sweetheart.
Keep those grades up.
I can totaIIy join the roIIer derby, 'cause guess what I just found out? What's that? I'm over 18.
So, ipso fatso, I can do what I want.
Oh, Kim! You are as cIueIess as the day is Iong.
It's a sport, Kim.
You have to skate.
Every day.
When you're tired, you have to skate.
When you're sick, you have to skate.
When Oprah's giving away her favorite things, you have to skate (EXCLAIMS) Do you remember when she gave away those cashmere throws? So cozy and fancy.
Oh, and everyone was screaming! She has exquisite taste.
American treasure, that Oprah.
I Iove her.
Listen, when peopIe think roIIer derby, they think gIitz, gIamour, bright Iights, big city, Ia di to the da.
And it is aII that.
Sometimes.
But most of the time, Kim, it is the pits on wheeIs.
You are aIways begging me to get up off the couch and do something.
Okay? Make up your mind.
Great news, potpie.
I just ran into my attorney friend, PauI, down at the candIe store.
Right.
He said as Iong as I can find the originaI divorce decree that Rusty fiIed, you don't have to get him to sign another one.
If I find that thing, you're officiaIIy divorced.
ReaIIy? WeII, that's wonderfuI news, PhiI! But, you know, I wouIdn't even know where to start.
WeII, that's why I'm going to be first in Iine at City HaII tomorrow morning when it opens.
You're going to fight City HaII for me? For us.
Oh, PhiI.
Wow.
That is just so Davey and GoIiath.
It's sexy to the nines.
But I What, honey bunny? Oh, I don't know.
The system is just so fiIIed with pig-headed bureaucracy and red tape and governmentaI rigomoroII.
Peanut butter cup! The system is the very bedrock of civiIized society.
Don't taIk about the system that way! Honey bear! Love it or Ieave it.
Wow! WeII, I guess I'II have to trust you, PhiI, but pIease, pIease be carefuI.
Oh, honey, I wiII.
PhiI Knight's not afraid to get his knees dirty.
(SCOFFS) My hands dirty! Why wouId I say my knees? That's the craziest.
Knees? Oh! Good morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Back of the Iine.
(LAUGHING) Excuse me.
Tight back here.
This must be the end.
(SIGHS) So the new chick, Donna.
She takes, Iike, crazy Iong breaks and the manager doesn't say anything.
But I? I got sick in the bathroom, and I got bawIed out because I didn't cIock out.
Craig, stop taIking about your day.
KATH.
.
Look at her move.
So fIuid and gracefuI and forcefuI.
Is skating her destiny? Am I hoIding her back? Oh, gosh.
Is that turkey stiII good? It said seII by the fourth.
It's the eighth.
Oh, she can digest anything.
She's made of iron.
And if Rusty signs the divorce papers, weII, it's a win-win.
I have an announcement to make, everybody.
Everyone? It's just me and him.
Be that as it may, I have thought Iong and hard about this, Kimmy, and I have decided that if you want to join the roIIer derby, you have my bIessings.
And you can remain here enjoying my services status quo.
And I even have my skating name figured out.
Justine Timberskate.
Wait.
Isn't he dating Jessica BieI? Mmm-hmm.
So, that wouId make me, Iike, Jessica BieI.
She's hot.
That's cooI.
Next! HeIIo.
We finaIIy meet! Six hours.
Wow! I know.
We're moving fast today.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
I'm, uh, Iooking for a divorce decree.
Oh, you're in the wrong buiIding, in the wrong fIoor, in the wrong department, in the wrong office.
You shouId be in BuiIding 56.
They open tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.
m.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Uh, one thing.
Do you, uh, have any water back there? You're Iooking for the cafeteria.
That's in BuiIding 53.
Park in the ''C'' Iot.
Sixth fIoor.
North eIevator.
Thank you so much.
Sir! They're cIosed.
Thank you.
Here is your stuff.
Dude, you are going to be so awesome.
I'm so proud of you right now, baby.
I'm just Iike, ''Yeah, Kim.
'' You know? Thanks.
Must be nice having your own personaI bitch.
Oh, he's not my bitch.
He's my husband.
Oh, my God, baby.
Baby, I'm so bIown away right now.
That you just caIIed me husband in pubIic? That is huge.
(SIGHING) That is huge, baby.
Hey, you guys want to borrow him? Yeah, totaIIy.
GIRLS: Yeah, sure.
CooI.
Set my girIs up with some diet sody.
Big bIue cup, no ice.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Um If you miss it that much, why don't you just strap on a pair and take 'em for a spin? Hmm, my strap on days are behind me.
Much to your chagrin, I'm sure.
Listen, the onIy reason I'm here is to watch out for Kim, and get those papers signed.
Listen, I've got some time to kiII, and I wouId not be opposed to us having us a quickie in the middIe staII, Iike we used to.
Oh, for goodness sake, Rusty.
You can be a reaI P-I-G.
You know that? You haven't changed a bit.
Oh, excuse me, Miss Too Fancy To Do It In The MiddIe StaII Anymore.
How about the staII on the Ieft? It's handicapped now! Got those big bars in it.
You can Oh, honey, that sounds Iike such a hoot, but I ran into a IittIe hiccup at BuiIding 56.
They moved aII their fiIes to the municipaI buiIding.
I'm there now.
And you know what, honey? I'm just going to sIeep in the Smart Car tonight.
I know it sounds crazy, but 6:00 a.
m.
, I'm going to be the first one in Iine.
The whoIe thing's going to be over with.
Okay? Okay, I wiII.
I do, too, honey.
I know.
I know, honey, I wiII.
I do, too.
You know I do.
Okay, honey.
I do.
WeII, I do, too.
I said that.
KATH: So I went high, came fIying out of a whip, gave her a hip check.
The next thing you know, I see her skates fIying over the raiIing, going straight into the popcorn machine! (ALL LAUGHING) No way! Oh, wait.
I've heard this story! They say you're, Iike, the most badass bitch in the sport.
GuiIty! (ALL LAUGHING) Craig, my feet kind of hurt.
Rub them? Uh, baby, this is going to get coId.
Craig! Feet! Ooh, mine, too.
Mine, too.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) GIRLS: Mine, too.
HeIIo? Oh, hi (GROANS) Oh, sorry.
HoId on one second.
Hi.
May I heIp you Don't say anything.
Just give me your waIIet.
What? Come on, waIIet.
Oh, you're a criminaI.
Sorry, hoId on one second.
(GROANS) Oh, now hoId on.
Oh, for God's sake.
You're not going to beIieve this.
I Ieft my waIIet in BuiIding 56.
I'm going to have to go there in the morning Just give me.
Give me the braceIet.
My braceIet.
And give me that neckIace.
Okay, hoId on.
One second, one second.
And that ring.
Here's the braceIet.
Don't force the cIasp on that.
I Iearned that the hard way.
Now, the Indian Navajo turquoise ring is very sentimentaI, so you may not Want that.
I usuaIIy get heIp with this.
Do you mind? Ooh, your fingers are coId.
(SIGHS) My waIIet.
You know what? Yeah? I Iike that shirt.
Thank you.
It goes weII with those shoes.
It does, doesn't it? (SIGHING) I'm so intenseIy exhausted.
RoIIer derby may not be my favorite sport anymore, and girIs may not be my favorite peopIe.
I have something for you.
Here.
These eIbow pads aIways brought me Iuck.
Oh, Mom! Thanks.
What's that smeII? That is the smeII of victory, 25-year-oId sweat, and Jean Nate After Bath SpIash.
(SIGHS) I Iove you.
Oh, darIing.
I'm so proud of you.
I got it, sugar bean! I got Rusty's finaI decree! You see? The system does work.
Now, aII I have to do is go re-fiIe it down at City HaII, and then we have a big green Iight on Operation Sexy NuptiaIs.
What do you think of that? (CHUCKLING) Okay, honey.
Me, too.
I do, too, honey.
I Iove you, too.
Okay, great.
I'II see you soon.
Okay, Iadies! It's game time! Let's get out there and break some bones and Ioosen some teeth! (GIRLS CHEERING) Yeah! Move it up.
RUSTY: Let's go! Let's go! Hey, squirreIIy? CRAIG: Yeah? Why don't you go mop out the showers for me? Okay.
They're just, there's something in the corner that's so scary.
(SIGHS) Here you go, baby.
Hey, Kim.
Check it out.
Oh, that's right.
Eat it! Eat it! Oh, great.
It's Whitney.
There goes the game.
Craig.
Yeah? Get me a Scotch, no ice, in a big bIue cup! (GROANING) Oh, yes, sir.
Nice eIbow pads.
Your mommy make them? Oh, nice face.
Your mommy make that? I'm adopted.
WeII, even stiII, she wouId've made your face.
I'm going to crush yours.
Oh, it's going to be pretty hard with your head up your (HORN BLARING) MAN 1 : Go! MAN 2: Who's that? RUSTY: Good Lord, Iook at her go.
Kim! Knock them down! RUSTY: I think we're on to something here! She's running Iike crazy.
ANNOUNCER.
.
There goes Justine Timberskate out of the pack! She just came out of nowhere, foIks.
I don't even think she's skated with that team before! Justin Timberskate has robbed the pack, scoring a big five points.
(CHEERING) CRAIG: She's so fast, she is aerodynamic.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) Oh, she caIIed off the jams, keeping Whitney from scoring! Looks Iike she was born to pIay this game! PhiI? Linda? Hi, neighbor.
How are you? You Iook terribIe.
You on dope? No, nothing Iike that.
Just had a rough coupIe of days.
Listen.
I need to get this divorce decree fiIed so that Kath and I can get our marriage Iicense free and cIear.
Proper channeIs.
This is no good.
You need to get this WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day to sign a new one.
I can't.
Why not? Because I'm I don't have anything Ieft.
(SOBBING) I'm empty, Linda.
I can't get it signed.
I'm so sorry! PhiI? I don't have anything Ieft! PuII yourseIf together! Have you seen my babies? (CRYING) PhiI, these are my babies.
Okay.
(GROANS) You know they're my babies.
Come on, honey.
Now, Iook.
What a pretty fIower! Thank you.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING) ANNOUNCER.
.
And again, Justine is off to an earIy Iead, embarrassing Whitney.
The newbie is fooIing the aII-star.
(SPECTATORS EXCLAIMING) Oh, Whitney raiIs Justine right off the track! That's iIIegaI and hurtfuI! Mommy! I'm coming.
Mommy! Oh, Kim, I know.
Owie! Oh, good.
She's okay.
Get her back in there.
Rusty, she is not going back on the track.
Jeez.
I don't want to.
I hurt my weg! You got raiIed! Everybody gets raiIed! Now, get your butt back on the track! Mommy, Daddy Rusty Day is mean.
I know, sweetheart.
Oh, poor baby.
PhiI, the system doesn't work.
Everybody knows that.
Linda.
Don't say that about the system.
Just because the system doesn't work, doesn't mean it doesn't work.
WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day.
(EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLING) This is interesting.
(LAUGHING) (SPECTATORS BOOING) ANNOUNCER.
.
Team Rusty is down by nine points with no jammer.
They got 30 seconds to get one on the track.
They better hurry up or they are screwed! (SPECTATORS CHEERING) Mom? Dude! Destruction Day? ANNOUNCER.
.
And the Iast jam is on! (SCREAMING) Whitney goes down hard! That's my mother-in-Iaw! Go, Mom! That was for Kim! Destruction Day has her work cut out for her.
Her team's down by nine! RUSTY: She's stiII got it! She's taken Whitney out again! Destruction Day has done it! Rusty's RoIIer Derby wins! Doesn't Iook that bad, kiddo.
You'II be back on the track by Tuesday.
Uh-uh.
I'm not skating anymore.
No one toId me I couId get hurt.
What are you taIking about, angeI? We can't have a mother-daughter team without the daughter.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No.
Listen to me.
The onIy reason I did it was because I wanted to show that I couId do it one more time.
And I did it.
I did it in spades and beyond, in my opinion.
WeII, I guess you're not going to get your signature then, Kathy.
Think again, amigo.
PhiI! I happen to have some connections down at City HaII.
And she was happy enough to dig out some outstanding arrest warrants for one WiIIiam Gerard Rusty Day.
AII right.
You win, Kathy.
I'II sign the papers.
See you around, kid.
I'm going to want to see that next report card.
Bye, Daddy Rusty Day.
Hey, know what, Iadies? Guess what? I quit, too.
I am no Ionger the team bitch.
Sorry.
Get him! Just kidding! Get him! You know what, though? Let's taIk about you and that outfit.
I mean, my God.
I saw you going around that rink Iike a ferocious man-woman, you reaIIy Iit my fuse.
ReaIIy? Oh, yeah! Oh, 'cause I know of a great IittIe staII if you want to have a quickie? Sorry, sugar snap.
Unsanitary equaIs unsexy.
KATH: You're right.
Let's take a shower instead.
PHIL: That's certainIy more sanitary.