Keeping Up Appearances s04e01 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) POSTMAN! I HOPE THAT'S A FIRST-CLASS STAMP.
I OBJECT TO HAVING SECOND-CLASS STAMPS THRUST THROUGH MY LETTERBOX.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT POSTMEN WOULD BE TRAINED TO RECOGNIZE FIRST-CLASS STAMP HOUSES.
IT'S NOT THE POST OFFICE PUTS THE STAMPS ON.
IT'S THE SENDERS.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
BLAME THE PUBLIC.
WOULD YOU PLEASE INFORM YOUR SUPERVISOR THAT IN FUTURE I WANT MY STAMPS ADJUSTED UPWARDS.
HOW DO I LOOK? I WANT YOUR OPINION-- IS THIS APPROPRIATE FOR BUSINESSWEAR? YOU TWO DON'T JUST SLEEP, YOU HIBERNATE.
OH, AH-- IS THAT ONSLOW'S BEER I SEE SPILLING OU ONTO THE FLOOR? WHERE? WHERE? ( sarcastically ) OH, NICE.
UP HALF THE NIGH WITH YOUR HYACINTH AND NOW THERE'S SOME OTHER COMEDIAN.
I WISH YOU'D BUG OFF.
I'M STILL IN HYACINTH AFTERSHOCK.
OH, DON' GO BACK TO SLEEP.
TELL ME HOW I LOOK.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN SEE? - DAISY, DAISY! - ( Daisy yelps ) WELL, IF IT'S OUR HYACINTH COME BACK, I'M NOT IN.
SHE'S NOT COME BACK.
I'LL SAY THIS MUCH FOR YOUR HYACINTH-- SHE LEAVES A LO OF HAPPINESS BEHIND HER.
IT'S SUCH A RELIEF WHEN SHE'S GONE.
HOW DO I LOOK? FOR DOING WHAT? FOR SELLING COSTUME JEWELRY DOOR TO DOOR.
AM I DRESSED PROPERLY FOR BUSINESS? YOU COULD GET ARRESTED FOR THAT KIND OF BUSINESS.
OOH! RICHARD! ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'LL FIND ME LYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD.
LISTEN TO THIS-- "WANTED: MANAGING DIRECTOR, FROZEN FOODS.
ONLY PERSONS OF PROVEN ABILITY SHOULD APPLY FOR THIS SENIOR POSITION.
" WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? BECAUSE IT'S YOU, RICHARD.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY YOU.
FROZEN FOODS? NOT THAT BIT, DEAR.
THE "PERSON OF PROVEN ABILITY.
" AND THE FIRM IS "FROSTICLES.
" THEIR FACTORY'S ONLY A FEW MILES DOWN THE ROAD, YOU COULD BE HOME FOR LUNCH EVERY DAY.
WAIT A MINUTE, HYACINTH.
YOU COULD HAVE THE FIRM'S CAR, PROBABLY A CHAUFFEUR-- HANG ON, ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT I SHOULD APPLY? NOT THROUGH THE NORMAL CHANNELS, DEAR.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POIN OF KNOWING PEOPLE IF ONE HAS TO APPLY THROUGH THE NORMAL CHANNELS? - DO WE KNOW PEOPLE? - OH, NOT JUST PEOPLE! WE KNOW "FROSTICLES" HIMSELF.
OR AT LEAS "MRS.
FROSTICLES.
" THE MILLBURNS! THAT THRUSTING CREATURE ON THE LADIES' LUNCHEON COMMITTEE.
SHE WAS A HACKET FROM WILTON STREE BEFORE SHE LAID HERSELF SHAMELESSLY IN THE PATH OF FROSTICLES.
WE MUST MAKE SURE THAT HE KNOWS YOU'RE AVAILABLE.
NOW, SIT THERE, AND PRACTICE BEING FIRM.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY "NO.
" HAVE YOU EVER TRIED SAYING NO TO HYACINTH? LIZ, SHE'S JUS A HUMAN BEING.
JUST.
LOOK, YOU'RE A FREE SPIRIT.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO ROUND THERE FOR COFFEE WHEN SHE ASKS YOU, SAY NO.
IT DOESN' MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, SHE NEVER LISTENS ANYWAY.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL REHEARSE IT.
YOU SIT THERE PRACTICING STEELY DETERMINATION, AND I SHALL PRETEND TO BE HYACINTH.
GREATER LOVE HATH NO MAN FOR HIS SISTER THAN TO BE HYACINTH.
RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
PHONE RINGING WELL, ANSWER IT.
HELLO? ( loudly ) COFFEE AT 11:00, ELIZABETH? THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
OH, NO.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU WERE SO LIFELIKE.
NOW THE FIRST THING TO DO IS TO GET YOU TO MEET MR.
MILLBURN-- "FROSTICLES" HIMSELF.
NO UNDERLINGS, GO STRAIGHT TO THE TOP.
I DON'T KNOW THE MAN.
OF COURSE, IT'LL HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A CHANCE MEETING.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO START PLOTTING ME INTO SOMETHING.
I STILL BLUSH WHEN I REMEMBER HOW YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME PRESIDEN OF THE ARCHERY CLUB.
WE WERE DOING SPLENDIDLY UNTIL YOU SHOT MRS.
LAZENBY.
I'VE NEVER HEARD SUCH A FUSS.
IT WAS ONLY A GLANCING WOUND.
WE'LL GET IT WRONG.
WE ALWAYS GET IT WRONG.
RICHARD! I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU, DEAR.
IT IS MY DUTY TO GIVE YOU A NEW VISION FOR THE FUTURE.
IN FROZEN FOODS? IN A SENIOR EXECUTIVE POSITION.
- I'LL GET FROSTBITE.
- OH, RICHARD.
BITS OF ME WILL START FALLING OFF.
I CAN'T APPLY FOR A POSITION LIKE THAT.
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T.
YOU DON'T THINK THA THESE SENIOR EXECUTIVE POSITIONS ARE FILLED BY APPLICATION? IT'S ALWAYS DONE BY PEOPLE KNOWING PEOPLE.
PEOPLE UPON WHOM ONE HAS MADE AN IMPRESSION ON SOCIAL OCCASIONS.
BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION ON OLD FROSTICLES? - ON THE GOLF COURSE.
- WHA--! A GOOD IDEA-- LEAVE I TO ME, DEAR.
HE'LL PROBABLY BE ON THE COURSE THIS EVENING.
RELAXING AFTER A DAY'S EXECUTING.
THEN YOU COME ALONG LOOKING RUTHLESSLY EFFICIENT.
YOU MEAN THIS TIME I'M GOING TO CLOBBER MRS.
FROSTICLES? THAT WAS A LOT BETTER.
LET'S HAVE ANOTHER GO.
AND REMEMBER, LIZ, YOU'RE A WOMAN NO TO BE TRIFLED WITH.
RIGHT, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
PHONE'S RINGING.
- HELLO? - IT'S ONLY ME, ELIZABETH.
COFFEE AT 11:00? NO THANK YOU, HYACINTH, SOME OTHER TIME.
I DID IT! YOU SEE? WELL DONE! IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF GETTING STARTED, ISN'T IT? ONCE YOU'VE STARTED IT'S QUITE EASY.
AND YOU ARE VERY GOOD.
YOU REALLY SOUNDED LIKE HYACINTH.
I MUST ASK YOU TO NEVER REPEAT THA IN FRONT OF A LIVING SOUL.
- GO ON, ANSWER IT.
HELLO? COFFEE AT 11:00? THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
NOW LET ME SEE YOU, RICHARD.
AND REMEMBER-- FIRST IMPRESSIONS.
( tinkling ) THE TROUBLE IS, I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS.
NO, NO, NO, RICHARD.
I WANT TO SEE A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.
YOU MUSTN'T LE FROSTICLES SEE YOU LOOKING INDECISIVE LIKE THAT.
BUT I FEEL INDECISIVE.
I'M HAPPY WITH INDECISIVE.
RICHARD, WHEN FROSTICLES FIRST CLAPS EYES ON YOU, YOU MUST BE LOOKING FORCEFUL AND EXECUTIVE.
AND EXECUTIVE, HYACINTH.
GOOD.
I CAN FEEL IT NOW, COMING UP THROUGH MY KNEES.
OH, HERE IT COMES UP THROUGH MY GROIN.
RICHARD, WHAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IS THA FOR A SENIOR FROSTICLE? - NEXT! - ( tinkling ) RIGHT.
YOU FAILED ON THE TELEPHONE, LET'S TRY I FACE-TO-FACE.
WITH HYACINTH? YES, OF COURSE WITH HYACINTH.
JUST TELL HER TO HER FACE THAT YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME TO ACCEP HER INVITATION TO COFFEE.
COULDN'T I DO I ON THE TELEPHONE? YOU FAILED TELEPHONE.
I SHALL FAIL FACE TO FACE.
( chanting ) I'M FORCEFUL AND EXECUTIVE, I'M FORCEFUL AND EXECUTIVE, I'M FORCEFUL AND EXECUTIVE ( doorbell rings ) OH, IT'S YOU, ELIZABETH! A LITTLE EARLY, DEAR.
BUT DO COME IN.
( stammers ) OH, I, I-- ACTUALLY, HYACINTH, I CAME TO TELL YOU-- AND BRING EMMET IN TOO.
WELL, NO ACTUALLY, I CAN'T.
I'VE GO SO MANY IMPORTAN THINGS TO DO-- DO SIT DOWN, MY DEARS.
ANYWHERE.
EXCEPT THERE! LEAVE THAT ONE FOR ME.
( giggles ) OOP! MILK! IS RICHARD ALL RIGHT? HMM? WHY DEAR? WELL, HE PASSED US ON THE DOORSTEP AND I THOUGHT HE LOOKED A BIT PREOCCUPIED.
OH, HE'S GO A LOT ON HIS MIND.
HE'S TOYING WITH VARIOUS OFFERS FOR A SENIOR EXECUTIVE POSITION IN INDUSTRY.
NOW, MAKE YOURSELVES COMFY.
AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'LL JUST GO AND WIPE EMMET'S FOOTMARK OFF MY WOODBLOCK.
PERHAPS I OUGHT TO TAKE YOUR SHOES, EMMET.
COME ALONG.
WE DON'T WAN A REPETITION ON YOUR WAY OUT, DO WE? OF COURSE, RICHARD AND I NEVER HAVE THIS PROBLEM BECAUSE WE ALWAYS WEAR LEATHER.
DON'T SAY A WORD.
SHE'LL SING AT ME.
NOW SHE HAS ME TRAPPED AND BAREFOOT, HEAVEN KNOWS WHAT SHE'LL DO.
JUST DON'T LET ME SPILL THE COFFEE.
EVERYONE COMFY? GOOD.
I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
THE MORE WE ARE TOGETHER THE MERRIER WE SHALL BE.
( phone ringing ) OH, MAKE THE COFFEE, WILL YOU, ELIZABETH? I EXPECT THAT'S SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, DAISY.
HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? LISTEN, DAISY, TELL ONSLOW TO PU A SHIRT ON WHILE I'M ON THE TELEPHONE.
I CAN ALWAYS SENSE HIM THERE-- EXPANDING.
ONSLOW'S IN THE GARDEN? DADDY'S GONE NATURIST? WELL, I THINK THAT'S WONDERFUL AT HIS AGE.
YES, ALL THAT WHOLESOME, HEALTHY FOOD, PLENTY OF ROUGHAGE.
ONSLOW'S TRYING TO GE DADDY DOWN FROM WHERE? WELL, WHY WOULD DADDY BE UP THERE? THAT KINDOF NATURIST.
WELL, WHAT KIND OF NATURIST IS HE? A STARK NATURIST? ONE MOMENT, HANG ON SO GLAD YOU COULD POP IN.
WE MUS DO THIS AGAIN VERY SHORTLY.
THAT WAS QUICKER THAN I THOUGHT.
I'VE STILL GO HER COFFEE.
( doorbell rings ) OH, THANK YOU, DEAR, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.
MMM! MY FAVORITE BRAND, TOO.
( chuckling ) ( stomping on stairs ) WHERE HAVE YOU PUT FATHER? HE'S BACK IN HIS BED, FAST ASLEEP.
IS HE WEARING PAJAMAS? HE SAYS IT'S AGAINS HIS CONVICTIONS.
( TV plays ) YOU'RE GREA IN A CRISIS, ONSLOW.
WHAT CRISIS? HAVE WE RUN OU OF BEER? ( sighs ) OH-HH.
JUST NOW, YOU WERE MAGNIFICENT.
I COULD SEE YOU IN FULL PROFILE AS YOU WENT PAST, CARRYING FATHER.
I HOPE YOU COULDN' SEE HIM IN FULL PROFILE.
YOU WERE WONDERFUL, ONSLOW.
IT'S NOT THAT HE'S HEAVY.
IT'S JUST, WITHOU ANY CLOTHES ON, AT HIS AGE, THERE'S NOT MUCH TO GET AHOLD OF.
AND YOU DID I ALL FOR ME.
I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY I COULD REPAY YOU.
LISTEN, DAISY, WHEN I PROMISED TO LOVE, HONOR AND OBEY, EVERYTUESDAY.
HOW LONG HAS YOUR FATHER BEEN A NATURIST? I THINK THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
DADDY'S ALWAYS BEEN "C OF E.
" DO THEY TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF? I THINK IT'S A CRY FOR HELP, DEAR.
MIND THE LORRY.
IT'S TURNING LEFT.
AND THERE'S AN OLD LADY ON THE PAVEMENT.
AND I AM ON THE ROAD, SO EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE.
( car door closes ) I WISH WE COULD HAVE DADDY AT HOME, BUT HE DOES SO MONOPOLIZE THE BATHROOM.
HOW CAN A PLACE LOOK LIKE THIS 50 YEARS AFTER THE BLITZ? LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT.
( loud barking ) GOOD DOG.
( thumps ) AS SOON AS I'M QUITE SURE DADDY'S GOT ALL HIS CLOTHES ON, WE MUST GO AND PRACTICE OUR GOLF, RICHARD.
CAN I ASK YOU TO FACE A LITTLE REALITY HERE? I'M TERRIBLE AT GOLF.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S FINISHED BEING A NATURIST.
HE FELL IN SOME NETTLES.
MORNING.
I SUPPOSE I'D BETTER GO AND PUT A COAT ON.
NO, NO, NO, STAY JUST AS YOU ARE.
YOU MAKE A VERY POWERFUL FIRST IMPRESSION DRESSED LIKE THIS, ONSLOW.
I SHOULD LIKE YOU TO DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR.
YOU'RE LOOKING VERY COLORFUL, RICHARD.
IT'S PLAN "A" WITH A TOUCH OF PLAN "C.
" OH.
HYACINTH? - WHO ELSE? - AHH.
HELLO DEAR.
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE JUST CAUGHT US OF GOLF.
HERE YOU ARE, DEAR.
OH.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO KEEN, HYACINTH.
OH, YES, DEAR.
RICHARD'S PRACTICALLY A FANATIC.
COME ALONG, RICHARD.
WE WANT TO GET THROUGH THE FULL 16 HOLES.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
HAVE A GOOD "CHUKKA.
" COME ALONG, RICHARD, WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.
NOW, TRY TO LOOK AS IF WE'RE MEAN TO BE HERE.
YES, THIS IS THE PLACE.
FOR WHAT? THE PLACE WHERE YOU WILL IMPRESS MR.
MILLBURN.
HYACINTH, I'M NO FROSTICLE MATERIAL.
I'LL NEVER MAKE A FROSTICLE.
RICHARD, THE REFURBISHMEN OF THE DINING ROOM IS DEPENDING ON YOUR CAREER AS A FROSTICLE.
HERE.
HYACINTH-- GOLFING DISASTER THAT I AM, I DO KNOW THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP OU OF THIS STUFF.
THEY'LL THINK WE'RE LOOKING FOR A BALL.
OH, WELL YES, I CAN DO THAT.
LOOKING FOR A BALL, NOW YOU'RE TALKING MY GAME.
AND IT WON'T REALLY BE A LIE, DEAR, BECAUSE WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.
WHAT? ONSLOW.
YEAH, THIS IS ROUGHLY WHERE YOUR HYACINTH SAID.
AND SHE SAID, "DON'T WEAR A SHIRT"? ARE YOU CERTAIN SHE SAID THAT? THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
I EXPECT SHE WANTS ME CASUAL FOR GOLF.
WHY WOULD SHE WANT YOU AT ALL FOR GOLF? SHE KNOWS I HAVE SPORTING INTERESTS.
YOU WATCH RACING ON TELLY.
I DON'T JUST WATCH IT.
I PUT BETS ON.
THAT'S NOT LIKE OUR HYACINTH.
SHE USUALLY GOES SPARE WHEN YOU DON'T WEAR A SHIRT.
ALL I KNOW IS SHE SAID THERE'D BE A MONTH'S SUPPLY OF BEER AND CRISPS IN IT.
AND IF THINGS GO RIGHT, AS MUCH FROZEN FOOD AS WE CAN EAT.
FROZEN FOOD? SHE'S BRIBING YOU WITH FROZEN FOOD? WHAT'S SHE UP TO? ALL I HAVE TO DO IS WAIT IN THE TREES OVER THERE UNTIL SHE RAISES HER CLUB IN THE AIR AS A SIGNAL.
THEN I HAVE TO SHOW MYSELF.
SHOW YOURSELF? JUST STAND ON THE EDGE OF THE GOLF COURSE, LOOKING ALL MALE AND MENACING.
WHY? I DON'T KNOW WHY.
BUT FOR A MONTH'S SUPPLY OF BEER AND SMOKY BACON, I DON'T CARE WHY.
IT'S YOUR BODY.
OUR HYACINTH IS GETTING FASCINATED WITH YOUR BODY.
OOH! OH, NICE.
WILL YOU KNOW THIS MILLBURN WHEN YOU SEE HIM? HE WON'T NECESSARILY BE COVERED IN ICICLES, YOU KNOW.
WELL, OF COURSE I'LL KNOW HIM.
I STOOD VERY CLOSE TO HIM ONCE AT THE RAILWAY STATION.
OH, YOU KNOW HIM THAT WELL? SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN HE COMES? PLAN "A," DEAR, REMEMBER? I SHALL GIVE A SIGNAL TO ONSLOW, WHO WILL EMERGE FROM THE BUSHES AND JUS STAND THERE.
THE MILLBURN PARTY WILL ESPY HIM AND KNOW THAT HE'S UP TO NO GOOD.
HOW WILL THEY KNOW HE'S UP TO NO GOOD? BECAUSE THAT'S THE IMPRESSION ONSLOW ALWAYS MAKES.
SO HE'S STANDING THERE, UP TO NO GOOD.
THEN, I SHALL SAY IN A VOICE LOUD AND CLEAR, "RICHARD, WILL YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SUSPICIOUS LOOKING PERSON?" YOU WILL THEN WALK TOWARDS ONSLOW AND THROW HIM OUT.
AND SO THE MILLBURNS WILL BE BOWLED OVER BY YOUR EXECUTIVE POTENTIAL.
( laughing ) YOUR HYACINTH, SHE LOOKS A RIGHT MUFFIN IN THA GOLFING GEAR.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE YOU BROUGHT ME INTO THE WOODS, ONSLOW.
NOW DON'T STAR GETTING BROODY.
FIRST WHIFF OF LEAF MOLD AND YOU'RE OFF.
"ME, TARZAN;" YOU USED TO SAY, "YOU, JANE.
" THEN YOU USED TO BEAT YOUR CHEST AND CHASE ME THROUGH THE WOODS.
THAT WAS ADOLESCENCE, DAISY.
WE HAD ONE-TRACK MINDS IN THOSE DAYS.
I WAS FULL OF HORMONES.
WE WASTED ALL OUR EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES.
THE NUMBER OF TIMES WE WEN INTO THOSE WOODS WE NEVER ONCE NOTICED A SQUIRREL, DID WE? RICHARD, HERE THEY COME.
START LOOKING EXECUTIVE.
HE'S THE ONE IN THE RED TROUSERS.
I COULDN'T WORK FOR ANYBODY WHO WEARS RED TROUSERS.
NOW, ON MY SIGNAL, RICHARD.
AHH! WHAT'S THE WOMAN DOING? I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
( yells ) FORE! ULP! ( loudly ) RICHARD, I DON' LIKE THE LOOK OF THIS SUSPICIOUS LOOKING PERSON.
PLEASE GET RID OF HIM.
SUICIDE MISSION.
I ADMIRE THE FOOL'S NERVE.
VERY RARE QUALITY THESE DAYS, SUCH STUPIDITY.
WELL DONE, MADMAN! PLEASE PLAY THROUGH.
THANK YOU, MADAM.
AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOUR HUSBAND.
HE'S A DYNAMO TO HIS FINGERTIPS, BLESS HIM.
I'VE KNOW HIM THRUM AWAY QUIETLY, EVEN IN REPOSE.
YOU'VE DONE IT, DEAR, THEY WERE IMPRESSED.
- CAN WE GO HOME NOW? - OF COURSE NOT, DEAR.
WE FINISH THE ROUND AND THEN WE GET CHATTING TO MR.
MILLBURN IN THE CLUB.
- Man: OH, HEY! - ( heckler whistling ) STRIKES ME, MATE, YOU NEED A BIGGER HOLE OR SMALLER BALLS.
COME ON, MATE, HURRY UP, WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.
OH--! HE'S COMING YOUR WAY.
- WHO? - DON'T LOOK NOW, RICHARD, BUT I DO BELIEVE HE-- YES, HE IS.
MR.
MILLBURN'S COMING.
HE'S GOING TO INVITE US TO JOIN HIM.
I TOLD YOU YOU'D MADE AN IMPRESSION.
I SAY, WOULD YOU MIND? DO YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND COULD DO HIS STUFF AGAIN? WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF OFFENSIVE TYPES UP THERE, NEED TO BE TAUGH A LESSON.
RICHARD, HOW WONDERFUL! HE'S LEANING ON YOU ALREADY, DEAR.
OFF YOU GO THEN, DEAR.
GO ON.
COME ON, HURRY UP.
LET'S SEE YOU GET THE LITTLE BALL DOWN THE HOLE.
I SHOULD WATCH YOUR STUFF, THIS CHAP'S DYNAMITE.
I'VE SEEN HIM DEAL WITH BIGGER LADS THAN YOU.
OH YEAH? HE'S COMING.
( whimpers ) AHH! NOT SO GOOD THIS TIME.
( laughs ) HELLO, MISSUS.
GOING "WALKIES"? ( motorcycle whirrs ) WANT TO PLAY GAMES, DO YOU? MY GOD, SHE'S MAGNIFICENT.
RICHARD, RICHARD! I'VE BEEN OFFERED A JOB WITH FROSTICLES.
OH, TAKE IT, HYACINTH, PLEASE.
I COULDN' DO THAT, DEAR.
YOU'D BE SO BORED AT HOME WITHOUT ME.
( weeping ) ( theme music playing )