Kevin Can Wait (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

Kevin's Good Story

1 [Whistle blows] Donna, we got to get going! Football's about to start.
They kick off, our date night's gonna be [Whistle blows] you watching me watching football.
Donna: No! Please don't start watching! I just need to finish blow-drying my hair.
Just stick your head out of the window of the car.
I'll drive fast.
I'm I'm not playing anymore.
It's too dark.
I can't see the ball! Well, you can't catch it in the daytime, either.
What's your excuse then? The sun's out and I can see your face.
Boom! Okay.
Hey, guys.
Here's money for the kids for dinner.
Uh, do not let them get into anything they shouldn't.
Oh, well, we were gonna let them have a knife fight, but I guess that's off the table now.
Chale: Don't worry, Mr.
I was thinking I could break out my guitar and we could all have a sing-along A little "Chale Unplugged.
" [Chuckles] That'd be great.
I-I by the way, did Kendra ever tell you I was in a band in college? No! Really? Yeah.
The Pretend-To-Cares.
Oh, wow.
That's catchy.
Yeah, our big song back then was "I Can't Believe You're Buying It.
" Originally by The Sarcastics.
It was good.
Hey! You said you were gonna dress up a little.
You're wearing jeans? They're stretchy jeans.
I can move in these, all right? I can do anything.
No, come on.
Put on regular pants.
No! What if someone tries to rob us and I got to throw a head kick? You'll snap your Achilles and I'll hand him all our money.
[Rattle] Oh.
I-I-I got it.
Ohhh! Stretchy jeans working already.
Look at that.
I am not your ordinary guy [Laughs] Here you go, guys.
A little dessert on me.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh! Thank you, Enzo.
Usually, you're a little tight with the freebies.
If you don't want them, I'll take 'em back.
No, no, no, no.
Well, this is nice, all of us getting together.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Obviously, Goody agrees.
He's wearing his sailboat-on-the-pocket shirt.
All right.
Don't do it, guy.
Lookit, the collar right there says, "I'm all business.
" Then you float down to the pocket, and it's like, "But I can get loose.
I can float on the seas.
" Says the guy wearing maternity jeans.
Oh! They're stretchy jeans, all right? If I wanted to, I could kick an olive off your head, and I'd have to tell you I did it.
[Chuckling] Oh.
- Well, I think you look great.
- Thank you.
What are you doing with that cookie? You want to lose your foot to diabetes, like your uncle? - It's one little cookie.
- Okay.
But if you think I'm gonna wheel you around the mall during my golden years, you can think again.
There you go, baby.
Well, here's to finally having our men home, safe, after 20 years on the force.
And to keeping them around for a long time.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
With our feet.
[Glasses clink] It was one dang cookie.
Hey, isn't it your anniversary this week? You better be doing something good for my girl.
Yeah, well, he doesn't know it yet, but he is taking me into the city to a great Moroccan restaurant.
Oh, yeah, the place where you sit on the floor and eat with your hands? Yeah, I do that at home, and she yells at me.
And then we're going to a Broadway musical.
Wait, what? Yeah.
The life story of Gloria Estefan.
[E-STE-fan] I think it's "ES-te-fan.
" "E-STE-fan.
" - I think it's "ES-te-fan.
" - Agree to disagree.
I think if you told the world, they'd be like, "It's ES-te-fan.
" She's right.
[Laughter] He chose last year, which meant we, uh, ate cheesesteaks and watched "Rocky II.
" Yeah, at least my night had a theme to it, all right? The mean streets of Philadelphia.
This one's got Moroccan food and conga music.
She's all over the map.
Oh! Come on, you big baby.
We've had worse anniversaries.
Can't think of any.
[Chuckles] Uh, are you serious? How about six years ago, when you almost died? Goody, you know this story.
I do? What happened? I never heard this.
I-I don't Nobody wants to go into it.
Honey, nobody wants to hear that story.
- Are you kidding me?! - No, no.
It's stupid.
It doesn't matter.
- Scariest day of my life.
- Can you stop? - Okay, Kevin and Goody - I They went on a call where the guy robbed a convenience store.
So, they're chasing after him [Up-tempo rock music playing] Aah! Freeze! [Screams] Not on my anniversary, dirtbag.
So, Kevin gets up to the roof, but poof! The guy is gone.
He goes to check the fire escape, turns around, and the guy is right behind him.
- No! - Yes! And he pushes Kevin off the roof! But he catches himself.
[Grunts] [Scream echoing] Aah! You okay? Yeah.
I'm all right.
I'm a cop.
It comes with the territory.
It was a miracle.
The Dumpster was supposed to have been emptied that day.
- Okay.
- If it had been [Voice breaking] he wouldn't be here today.
- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah.
That is unbelievable.
Hold up.
What took you so long to get there? I don't remember.
What did take me so long? It was, uh He stopped for a churro.
You stopped for a churro? I guess I did.
You know, uh, but h-he definitely got involved.
I mean, h-he called for backup and stuff like that, so Oh.
Yeah, you know what? I'm, uh I'm just gonna hit the bathroom for a second.
- Me too.
- Oh, great.
[Sighs] I-I can explain.
Yeah, so can I! You stole my story! The chase, the fall? That happened to me! Look, I'm sorry, okay? It was my anniversary, and I totally forgot! I came home, Donna had a card and a gift for me.
- I had nothing! - [Scoffs] My only way out was your story.
It worked great, by the way.
Man, I don't care! That's no excuse! And why in blue hell did you have me eat a churro? Again, I panicked.
Look, what I did is indefensible, but in my defense you told me that you couldn't tell Didi the story 'cause she'd freak out and make you quit the force.
Well, that doesn't mean that you can use it.
I-I don't know how you sleep at night.
Not good.
Part of it's this, but most of it's sleep apnea.
You know what I'm talking about? How about this? Look.
How about you take one of my cool stories? - I got plenty of them.
- Like what? How about that time I climbed down into the sewer and I pulled out those those baby ducks? They were raccoons.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Because that was me, too.
Oh, here they come Super Cop and Captain Cupcake.
Hey, did you, uh Did you call Goody? Yeah.
He ain't showing.
You made him look like an idiot.
Let's see how he feels after he gets these Omaha Steaks.
You really think steaks are gonna fix this? No.
That's why I also got him "Despicable Me" on Blu-ray.
Those Minions, man.
[Chuckles] They just don't listen.
Kyle: Why didn't you get him lobster? Although, it might make you look a little "shellfish.
" [Laughs] "Shellfish.
" [Chuckles] See? Mott gets it.
No, I'm still thinking about those Minions.
What about Rollerblades? That says, uh, "Let's roll past this.
" Listen, the real question is, what are you gonna get Donna? I'm gonna get her the gift of not knowing the truth.
I mean, she finds out now, she'll just get hurt.
What if Goody tells her? - Hey! - Whoa! - Whoa.
- Whoa.
Guy, look, I don't know what you do down at the firehouse, but cops We don't sing.
I don't know, though, man.
That Didi is tough.
If she cranks up the kettle on Goody, he could sing like Michael Bublé.
Oh, wow.
Then Didi tells Donna.
Man, I got to get ahead of this.
Yeah, and I'm telling you, the best way to do that Rollerblades.
Hey, when we get married, how many kids do you want? [Chuckles] I don't know.
How many do you want? No, come on.
How many? Okay, okay.
Let's say it at the same time.
[Chuckles] Okay.
- One.
- Five.
To five, si So many children from you.
[Giggles] Hey, guys.
Where's, uh, Mom? I got to talk to her.
Uh, in the kitchen with Goody's wife.
She what? What's she doing in there? Uh, they're talking.
Why? Okay, um I'm gonna run to the store.
Anybody need something from Jersey? Donna: Honey, is that you? Y-Yeah.
Can you please come in here? Yeah, I'm just gonna come in there.
[Keys jingle] Sweetheart, I love you.
Chale [Whimpers] Hello, ladies.
What it be? Oh, we were just talking about the story.
I mean, that was just a crazy day.
I mean, it it was really a blur.
I mean, memories They're weird, you know? Oh, come on.
- You have an inspirational story.
- Yeah.
Would you come and talk to my class of fourth-graders? They need a role model.
I, uh no, I wouldn't do it, but, you know You know who's a great role model, is Goody.
Did you guys ever hear that story about him saving those baby raccoons? What's he gonna talk about? How to find a Danish in an abandoned building? Y-You know what it is? I-I just got to tell you.
I'm [Sighs] - I'm a little shy.
- Shy?! You've been banned from three karaoke bars for hogging the mic.
Babe, we get it You like Lionel Richie.
Okay, t-that is not true.
I am back in at J.
- Really? - Yeah.
And believe me, people will be dancing on the ceiling.
But, babe, I already told Didi you'd do it.
Come on.
Do it for the kids.
I-I would.
I really want to do it for the kids.
It's just that I'm not great in a classroom situation.
Oh, it's perfect! It's a P.
We'll be outside.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I can't do that, but how would your kids feel about Omaha Steaks? Wow.
That was a tsunami of lies and deception.
Well, if I'm coming in here, I'm getting my money's worth.
[Chuckles] Sorry, Father Philip.
You were saying? It seems pretty cut-and-dry.
You need to stop the lying, and then you come clean with everything else.
Or hear me out on this one.
I tell the story one more time to the kids 'cause they don't know it's not my story, right? And they get inspired.
- I like that.
- Right? And meanwhile, Goody gets the steaks and the Minions.
- Love that movie.
- Right? And best of all, Donna never gets hurt, and we have a great anniversary.
This sound exciting.
But after that, you never tell the lie again, right? Absolutely.
I shut that baby down right there.
You know? This is just all for the greater good, if you want to do the math.
No, I I've done the math.
It sounds like you have great intentions here.
Well, thanks for picking up on that.
Much like the ones that paved the road to Hell! Wow, this took a turn.
Here's the deal.
You're not talking to the kids.
You can't tell the lie anymore.
And if you wrong someone, you need to make it right.
Understand? Yeah.
I know what I got to do.
By the way, J-E-T-S.
[Whispering] Jets, Jets, Jets! So, you're all good.
I took care of it.
What do you mean, you took care of it? I told Didi.
Wh You told my wife?! Well, I can't tell Donna.
Today's our anniversary! Hey, congrats! Thanks, man.
You're killing me, man.
I told you I did not want her to know! Oh, this is not good.
[Scoffs] I made you the hero! You're you're not on the force anymore.
She can't make you quit! I-I can't believe this.
Well, what did she say? Nothing.
I left her a message.
Texting her seemed kind of cold, so I didn't feel like No, no, no.
You don't understand.
She has massive trust issues! No lies Anytime, about anything! - Ugh.
- Man, you just ruined my life.
Oh, dial down the drama, Denzel.
[Vehicle approaches] Goody, your wife just pulled up.
Oh, man.
This is gonna suck.
This is why you're supposed to always turn off your location settings.
You're gonna be fine.
Didi: Tyrone Cesar Goodman! - Cesar? - Cesar? Cesar? Didi.
Looking good.
I got a mirror.
You in the car.
We will talk about this at home.
But I drove here.
Well, I'll figure it out.
[Sighs] Listen, uh go easy on him.
I mean, underneath all the lies, you got yourself a good man there.
But I don't need to tell you that.
You married him.
[Chuckles] That makes you good By marriage.
[Chuckles] We got to get another couples night on the books - You need to shut up.
- Yep.
And don't tell me how good my man is.
I know how good he is.
And you I know you're lying 'cause your lips are moving.
Don't make that face at me.
I'm sorry.
It just pops out when I'm scared.
You should be.
What does your wife have to say about this? I bet she has an opinion.
You haven't told her, have you? Unbelievable! You need to put on your big-boy pants and make things right.
Y'all don't deserve this pizza.
- Hey! - Hey! Hey! I'm serious.
You were on fire tonight.
Yeah, well, Gloria Estefan is right.
The rhythm is gonna get you.
[Laughs] But, I mean, the whole night.
I mean, you didn't complain at the Moroccan restaurant.
- You enjoyed the show.
- Yeah.
- It was a great anniversary, huh? - It was.
So, hero, you want to take this upstairs? Oh! Oh! I like it! I like it! I probably should tell you something first, though.
Ohh! Something good? Is the evening gonna get even better? Oh! Better or worse.
Either way, it's gonna spike one way or the other.
[Laughs] Okay.
[Chuckles] Yeah, um, it's just about that story that I told you, where I fell off the roof.
- Yeah? - Um I might have told it to you a little different than it actually happened.
What do you mean? No, I mean, Goody and I were definitely chasing a guy.
[Clatter] [Straining] So, Goody fell off the roof.
Were you even there? Oh, I was there.
[Siren wailing, police radio chatter] You all right? Yeah.
Yeah, just got hung up here.
[Chuckles] The, uh, hips are going a little numb.
Did you fall off a roof? Oh, yeah.
It was crazy, man.
Luckily, I landed on trash bags.
I was this close to dying.
My belt's stuck.
Well, l-listen.
Didi can never find out about this, or she'll make me quit the force.
I got you.
- This'll go to the grave with us.
- Yeah.
By the way, will you hurry up and get me down? 'Cause the pressure's building behind my eyes.
- Yeah.
- Oh! It's your handcuffs, man.
You arrested a fence.
Oh, okay.
[Chuckles] [Fence rattles] Get me down.
Ow! You're pinching me! Oh, sorry! You're pinching! So, that's the real story.
But the good news is, Goody and I, we we made it.
[Chuckles] Bring it in.
No, no, no, no.
[Scoffs] I should have guessed.
I mean, jumping over fences? You can't even get out of a hammock.
Well Who can, really? Honestly, you get one cheek off, and then you flip like a fried egg.
I mean Come on! Why would you do that? [Sighs] 'Cause I forgot our anniversary.
[Scoffs] Wow.
And what did you think I was gonna do that was so terrible to make you continue to lie to me for six years? I only lied once.
It just lived for six years.
Believe me, I tried to bury it.
Bury it? Last month, you wouldn't go to my vice principal's barbecue because you said they live too close to where it happened.
The guy freaks me out! He eats corn on the cob and he stares at you like, "After this, you're next.
" Yeah, he's awkward, but he's my boss.
Look, I'm I'm sorry.
Okay? Well, you should be.
We're good now, right? I mean, I'm still mad at you, but we will be good.
Just don't lie to me, you know? I mean, I'm not perfect, either.
You know, in 2007, I forgot our anniversary.
Really? I I don't remember that.
Yeah, because you also forgot.
We both forgot.
We didn't celebrate our anniversary for two years.
Wow, that hurts.
I guess that makes us even, though.
Not a chance, no.
You owe me big-time.
But come on.
Let's get ready for bed.
That's the beauty of stretchy pants.
I'm always ready.
[Munching] Love what you've done with the backyard, Larry.
Um Hey, what kind of tree is that? Dutch Elm.
[Munching] You hear that, honey? It's a Dutch Elm.
That's your, uh Your favorite kind of tree.
What's your second favorite? Oh, wow, that's tough.
It's, um Maples are cool.
You know, Larry, I-I got to be honest.
Um [Loud crunch] My husband, six years ago, fell off a roof in the line of duty, and he has some anxiety issues.
It's true.
And you know what? I forgot my meds.
You did! So we got to go.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
Yeah, okay.
First, I just want to say that we're really glad we're all doing this, and the both of us are really sorry, so "The both of us"? Yeah, you're always saying we're a team.
Boy, those days are over, huh? Okay.
I'm really sorry to all of you, all right? And to make it up, I made you this very healthy meal.
It's gluten-free pasta and it's low-sugar sauce, so let's enjoy, you know? Mmm.
Enzo's? - Uh-huh.
- Let's go.
Let's go.