Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

Plus One Is the Loneliest Number

1 Good morning, Dad.
Chale has some news.
It's quite exciting.
I think you're gonna like it, Mr.
All right, please, Chale, look, you're married to my daughter now.
You can call me Kevin, okay? Really? Well, okay, Kevin, I have some news.
All right, never mind.
I don't like it.
It's very weird.
You gotta go back.
You gotta go back.
Gable, you are looking at Enzo's newest food server.
[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY] Oh, you got a job.
That's great.
I don't know how exciting it is.
The excitement comes in three waves.
One, I will have money for rent.
I can ride that wave.
Two, I will be able to bring home all the leftover pizza.
- Uh-huh.
- And three, I will be able to save you a seat at the bar for all sporting events.
I gotta say, I thought this was gonna take a bad turn.
- Plus, we can hang out more.
- There it is, right there.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] - [DOOR CLOSES] - Good morning, neighbor.
Drink this.
I'm good.
No, you gotta drink this.
It's coffee from Holland.
I already had coffee.
Not like this.
This goes down smooth, silky.
It's like a Sunday walk in a pair of furry boots.
And then it hits the bloodstream, and it's like a llama stomping you in a field.
By the way, I'm so excited about the new job.
Thank you so much.
Remember, you're not licensed, so you can't do any security work, all right? You got it.
Wink, wink.
No, no, no.
There's no winks, all right? You're like an intern, all right? It's low pay, all right, there's no benefits why is my heart pounding out of rhythm? It's the llama.
Whah! I am not your ordinary guy So what do I do? I don't know.
Just I guess answer the phone.
Is there a manual or something so I can read about my work responsibilities? There are no manuals.
You know what? That's a good idea.
Write a manual.
Oh, okay.
I'll, uh, cover everything from sexual harassment to casual Fridays.
- Wow, so this is your office? - Yes.
- It's nice.
- Thank you.
Guys, this is Trent.
Trent, this is my partner, Kevin.
Hey, Trent.
Nice to meet you.
Trent, that's a, uh, it's like a soap opera name, right? [SPANISH ACCENT] Who was the last to see Maria alive? I think it was Trent.
Okay, good bit.
And, uh, this is Rootger.
He manages Let's go with human resources.
All right, so thank you.
Thank you for walking me back to the office.
Wow, a lot of big dudes here.
Kevin looks like he belongs in the NFL.
[CHUCKLES] I don't know about the NFL, but I certainly had some good moments in high school.
Yeah, I bet you did.
I can tell by the frame.
- You never quite lose it.
- You know, you really don't.
You don't ever really lose it.
Trent, you want a cup of coffee? No, he's gotta get back to the office.
He's a doctor.
Ah, dermatologist.
No big deal.
Hey, it was great meeting you guys.
- And I'll call you later.
- Okay.
[SINGSONGY] Ooh! Someone has a boyfriend.
[SINGSONGY] Ooh! Someone has a boyfriend! Shut up.
He is not my boyfriend.
Look, I like Trent, but he's getting the hook.
I can't get emotionally involved with somebody right now.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
What? [SCOFFS] Every jerk you date, you fall in love with, and you end up getting hurt.
You finally meet a rock-solid guy and you're getting set to run away? [LAUGHS] Rock-solid? Okay, you're only saying that because Trent said you look like you played in the NFL.
- No.
- Yeah.
It it was nice.
It was very nice.
I usually get college.
I don't get the NFL too often.
Did you hear what he said about the frame, though? - I did.
- Frame stays where it is.
No, what I'm saying is, like, you know I have, like, a supernatural sense for things? - No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
Two things people always ask me about relationships and where to eat late night.
It's my gift.
Okay, look, Trent is a nice guy, but I'm just not ready for a relationship.
It doesn't matter if you're ready, okay? Love doesn't have a clock, all right? I don't have time for this.
Okay, you know what I think you should do, honestly? Invite Trent to your sister's wedding.
- No.
- Yes.
That is way too big a step.
Or not big enough.
Hey, open your heart.
Hey, guys, question on the company's manual.
Do we need a policy on maternity leave? [LOUD WHISPER] Or has that ship sailed? Hi, picking up an order.
Kendra Gable? Noreen Thompson? Wow, I haven't seen you since High school graduation.
I was on my way to Harvard and you were going to, um SUNY Plattsburgh.
But I'm in Columbia Law School now, yeah.
- This job is just part-time.
- Good for you.
By the way, it's Noreen Thomas-Brady now.
Yeah, I'm married, too, by the way.
Kendra Gable-Witt.
Rick runs his own hedge fund.
What's your hubby do? He's a software developer, yeah.
And a game designer, yeah.
He's just kind of an all around, like, tech genius.
I keep leaning against the pizza oven and burning my shoulder.
I tell myself, don't do it, but apparently, that's not enough.
I'm Chale.
This is my friend Noreen.
This is my husband, Chale.
Oh, nice to meet you.
from England.
[CHUCKLES] [NORMAL VOICE] We honeymooned there and then jetted over to the south of France.
Us, too! [LAUGHS] Yeah, what we did London and Paris and then Hawaii.
I didn't see any of your posts on Instagram.
Oh, yeah, I've just been so busy.
But I'm gonna post them.
This week.
I'll be looking for it.
- Great seeing you.
- You, too.
[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY] So why were you ly It's a pizza oven, guy.
It's always hot.
That will be great.
Several months of work, yes.
I'm sure they'd be interested.
That's a very generous offer.
They'll be happy to hear it.
Thank you.
That sounded amazing.
We got another job? Oh, no, no.
I was just testing out my new headset.
- Eh? - Good morning.
- Good morning.
- I got my boys some doughnuts.
Ooh, I like the powdery ones.
They get on my face.
You look good in that shirt.
What? You look good.
In the shirt.
You look good.
Somebody's in a good mood.
Well, I had a really nice time with Trent last night.
I let down my guard, and it actually worked.
I am taking him to my sister's wedding.
- Oh, are you? - Mm-hmm.
I got a “you're welcome” ready if you wanna throw me a “thank you.
” [LAUGHS] Let's not get too cocky, all right? You got lucky.
Okay, first of all, there's no such thing as luck, - there's only truth.
- Oh, really? - There's only truth? - Yeah.
- Do you want some truth? - Yeah.
- Okay.
T-shirt? - Yeah.
Little snug, buddy.
What's this? You ordered without me? Unspoken rule, guy, come on.
You always wait.
Man, I love you, guy, but when we say 4:30, and 4:37 rolls around, I'm getting into some wings.
But, hey, you can order us some beers if you want.
Oh, am I allowed to do that? Don't be like that, dog.
[CHUCKLES] Look at that.
There's Trent.
Who's that? Vanessa's new boyfriend.
Good dude.
He said I looked like I could play in the NFL, so So he's delusional.
No, no, no.
He's a good guy, man.
Vanessa was gonna dump him, but I sprinkled a little wisdom on it, and I got her back on the right track, so Wow.
Vanessa looks different.
What's that? [STRAINED VOICE] That's not good.
Look, there's no easy way of saying this.
I saw Trent kissing another woman, all right? And I know it I know it hurts, all right, but I have to be honest, 'cause I'm a straight shooter.
It's just who I am.
I've always been that way.
It feels like you made the end part all about you.
Hey, guys.
Great, now I gotta wing it.
Hey, always remember.
Always remember what? I lost it.
Hey, you, uh, you got a sec? Yeah.
Oh! Big news.
You know how my dad's always giving me crap about the guys that I date? Well, when I told him that I am bringing my doctor boyfriend to the wedding, he had nothing to say.
Yeah, you know you know, I'm kind of doubling back now.
Um, I don't know, maybe taking Trent to the wedding is a little too soon.
You have a habit of doing that, you know, you rush into things kinda.
What? What are you talking about? What about the love has no clock thing? Well, that's another bad habit of yours.
You take things literally.
Oh! And the best news.
Okay, Trent teaches salsa dancing, and my dad and his third wife think they're such great dancers.
We are gonna smoke them on the dance floor.
- Smoke 'em? - Yeah.
I-I gotta tell you, that sounds a little revenge-y.
It's not a not a good look on you.
Okay, it's a great look on me.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some dance shoes to buy online.
[SIGHS] All right, guys.
Feel that warm Hawaiian breeze and give me a hearty “mahalo,” too.
Mahalo! Ma oh, mahalo.
Guys, this is ridiculous.
Why are we even doing this? Yes, we are creating a honeymoon through the magic - of digital editing.
- Yes.
And then, we post it on Instagram and stick it in Noreen's face.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- What's with this guy? Plus, we didn't have a real honeymoon.
So this is the next best thing.
But it's not! It's fake.
It's ridiculous.
Oh, really? Okay.
Well, look at this.
My dating profile.
I've been all over the world.
This is me in Buckingham Palace.
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
And I took a couple laps in Tour de France.
Yeah, yeah, that actually looks good.
Right? All right, so what's up? Fill me in.
Just, uh, it's a little surveillance, you know.
Got the call this morning, so let's do this.
You know what? I think Trent lives around here.
Hmm? Oh, that's kind of weird.
And the people that hired us.
The Favre Corporation.
That's funny.
[CHUCKLES] Like Brett Favre, the football player.
I guess, you know.
When you think about it, it's a pretty pretty common name, Favre.
Is it? I mean, how many Favres do you know? You kidding me? There's Chuck Favre.
I played Little League with a Frank Favre.
And, uh, second grade I had a wicked crush on Sally Favre.
Okay, stop saying Favre.
So what's the gig exactly? Uh, I don't know.
Just supposed to watch this guy and see oh.
Look at this.
We got some movement.
Got a female, mid-30s, blonde, and a male Hmm.
That's Trent.
What Okay, what's going on? [SIGHS] I wanted to tell you, all right? I I saw him last night with that girl at Enzo's.
So? Maybe it's his sister or something.
[SIGHS] - Okay, not his sister.
- Not his sister.
[SIGHS] Hey, is, uh, Vanessa here? Yeah, in her office.
The mood is not good today.
No doughnuts.
I'm a little bit frightened.
Oh, boy.
Hey, did you, uh, did you get my texts? Yes, I got all 20 of them.
I get it.
You're sorry.
I also got your sad face emojis.
I bought the app.
They're unlimited.
Did you get the one with the smiling poop? Got the smiling poop.
I was looking for a sad poop, but they didn't have it.
They, uh, they just don't make it.
They don't make it, so If you don't mind, I have a wedding to get to, where I'm gonna be ridiculed.
So thank you.
Come on, it's gonna be fine.
No, you don't know my dad.
Nothing I do is ever good enough.
I show up to the wedding without this guy that I've been going on and on about, he's gonna have a field day.
“Oh, Vanessa lost another one, eh? Single again.
” Maybe not.
I don't think Maybe he'll see it as a sign of strength, you know? He's probably gonna respect you for it.
[GLASS CLINKS] It warms my heart to see my baby girl so happy.
And Vanessa, too.
She met herself a nice doctor.
So I hear.
[CHUCKLES] I'm only kidding, sweetheart.
You know I love you.
In fact, I can't wait for your wedding day.
I think I could live to be 100 or 125.
- What do you think, Tony? - You could do it, Pops.
[LAUGHS] To Stephanie and Tony, my best.
- Cento anni.
- ALL: Cento anni.
You know it's all in fun, right? Yeah, no.
I know, Dad.
I'm sorry that the guy couldn't make it, you know.
But you gotta learn, when you get attracted to these types of guys Oh, hey.
I'm sorry I am late.
Traffic was crazy.
Hi, I'm Trent.
Nice to meet you.
Vincent Cellucci.
So, uh, you're the doctor I've been hearing about.
Well, dermatologist.
I, uh, specialize in moles.
[CHUCKLES] But those moles, they bought me a boat.
[LAUGHS] I call it the S.
Skin Tag.
That's funny.
It's just dermo humor, you know? Okay, this is ridiculous.
- [LATIN MUSIC PLAYING] - I'm not doing this.
Dad That's my song! Katarina, get those legs over here.
It's salsa time.
What are you doing here? I'm helping you out.
Come on.
Let's tear it up.
No! You don't dance salsa.
I just learned for four hours on YouTube, okay? Believe me.
I am caliente.
Come on.
Ooh! Don't overdo it, slick.
Huh, look at those two.
They're dipping.
Everybody's dipping.
- Don't do it.
Don't do it.
- No, we gotta dip.
- I don't want you to do it.
- No, trust me.
- I do not trust you.
- I can do it.
I know what I'm doing.
- Don't do it! - Hey, look at me.
That looks great.
Then I was gonna do one with me photobombing and I was treading water next to you.
But I just looked like a big piece of driftwood.
Oh, look.
We're already racking up likes.
Oh, and one's from Noreen.
“Love the pics.
Amazing honeymoon.
” Oh, she is hating this.
We beat Noreen Thompson.
But we didn't actually go on an amazing honeymoon.
So isn't this kind of a hollow victory? Not hollow.
It's mahalo! [CHUCKLES] Oh, Polynesian humor.
My favorite.
Oh, look, we got another like.
Who's Amelia Chamberlain? Amelia Chamberlain? We went to university together.
She dumped me after I bought her all of her textbooks.
She's liking our photos.
Oh, here we go.
“Looking good, Chale.
” Oh! Yeah, take that, slag.
You know in some cultures, it's considered good luck for the sister of the bride to spill a little blood on the dance floor.
How's it looking back there? It's not that bad, I gotta tell ya.
I mean, I wouldn't I wouldn't take a nap for a while, but, uh I'm sorry, okay? I tried.
It's just, your center of gravity, it just, like, it was it's a lot lower than you think.
- Is it? - Yeah.
So just to recap, I don't have a boyfriend.
I made a fool of myself at the wedding, which is on video, by the way.
I might need stitches.
And I have to listen to my dad tell me I'm gonna be alone the rest of my life.
You're tracking things real well, which is a good sign.
Well, your work is done here.
[SIGHS] Don't feel too bad.
[SIGHS] It's not your fault.
It never works out with Vanessa.
- Yeah, I guess not.
- [CHUCKLES] You wanna know why? Can't rely on her.
And I'm not just talking about dating either.
Look, I have a very successful business.
Very successful.
I wanted my daughters to take over.
Stephanie over there, she's my CFO.
She's killin' it.
Vanessa, she turned me down.
[SIGHS] It was like a gut punch.
Take my advice, Trent, you're better off.
Vanessa seems like a great catch, but she's unreliable.
Unreliable? I'm sorry, I gotta respectfully disagree.
I mean, she was a cop for 20 years.
Word on the street was she was real good.
I heard her partner was, like, superhuman.
I think his name was Kevin.
I'm not sure, I wasn't there.
I mean, I heard he could play for the NFL.
But the point is, if I had to pick one person to rely on in this world, it would be Vanessa.
Yeah, I mean, you know what the sad thing is? What? That you don't know that.
[SIGHS] Oh, boy.
What was that about? That Trent guy.
You finally picked a good one.
- What? - [EXHALES SHARPLY] That's a good man.
I'm happy for you, sweetheart.
[LATIN MUSIC RESUMES PLAYING] What are you doing? I was grabbing a strawberry and then saw the chocolate thing and I was like, that's interesting.
So what'd you say to my dad? Nothing, it was just it was guy talk.
Did you really watch four hours of video learning how to salsa dance for me? I clicked on a squirrel on a skateboard and that led me to salsa dancing.
That's all it was.
Thank you.
Look, it's what friends do.
You know what else friends do? They get paper towels 'cause I'm kind of bleeding down my back right now.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay, it's just They said they're taking this away in 10 minutes, and that - Once it's gone, it's gone.
- Wow.
All right, fine, fine.