Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

Kevin Moves Metal

1 Rootger, come sit.
Daily meeting.
- No, I can hear you from here.
- No, no, that's why I got the table.
So we could have team meetings, like a real company.
So, I lost my desk just so that we could have team meetings? Yeah, and this one's getting off to a bumpy start - because of that attitude.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLING] This table is pretty nice.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Rootger, very much.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT] First order of business Hmm.
I have nothing.
Vanessa, you have the floor.
It's all you.
Go ahead.
Well, unfortunately, I have to start on a bad note.
We did not get the security gig at the Billy Joel concert.
It went to Nassau Security.
[SIGHS] Unbelievable.
We lost out to those guys? Well, they are ex-Navy SEALs.
I mean Yeah.
Have you seen 'em lately? They look like actual seals.
[CHUCKLES] All they do is they eat, and they lay Lay on the beach and stuff, like [IMITATES SEAL GRUNTING] Continue.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
We did get one account.
It's from a small law firm, but it could lead to bigger things.
Hit me with it.
Let's do it.
All right, well, it's a divorce case.
A woman thinks that her husband's cooking the books to keep his alimony low.
He, uh He owns Westbury Auto Mall.
All right, so I guess we got to get in there somehow, locate the safe, and then just figure out a way to crack it, right? I can get some C-4.
Nah, I think it's a little too much club.
Probably take out the Hallmark Store next to it.
We're not doing any of that.
No one's cracking anything.
We got to do something, all right? I say we go undercover, get in there, and, believe me, we'll get all the information we need.
Yeah, actually, you know what? That's not a bad idea.
I mean, I know the maintenance people there.
Maybe I can get in on the cleaning crew.
What do you mean, you? First of all, I j I just said that.
It was my idea.
I understand that, but you tend to lose focus.
Let me just get in there, get it done.
In, out.
You're not a janitor.
Look at you you're all prissy with your bracelets and the jingles and, “Oh, I” Okay.
This Look.
This is a janitor.
- Yes.
- Right? Thank you, Rootger.
I would also believe you as a as a deli guy who makes nice sandwiches.
Okay, you can go back outside now.
I am not your ordinary guy [WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.
] WOMAN: Excuse me? Hello? Hi.
Uh Sorry to startle you.
We're interested in the SUV you've got out there.
Oh, you know, I d I don't work in Does the third row go flat? We need the extra space.
Well, it's definitely got the extra space.
I know that.
And the third row does go flat.
I know, and only 'cause of my buddy.
He's He's got the exact same car.
Actually, a few months ago, he was on the way to a Jet game, and his pregnant wife felt a little kick.
He pulls over boom She gives birth to twins right in the back.
[CHUCKLES] All three of 'em, comfortable as puppies on a pillow.
I believe you just sold us.
Guess we're pretty much ready to buy.
Did I just hear my favorite words? “We're ready to buy”? [CHUCKLES] Jerry Benton, owner and proprietor.
Why don't you folks head down to the finance office? Hope you brought your flip-flops, 'cause I'm gonna make you a deal that's gonna knock your socks off.
[LAUGHS] Very smooth, son.
You been selling for us long? No, no, no.
I don't I-I work in maintenance.
Not anymore, you don't.
I work off of instinct, and my gut tells me you're a natural-born salesman.
Tell your gut thanks.
Tomorrow, wear a blazer.
I want you out here on the sales floor.
[BELL DINGS] W-What was that? Uh, that's Trevor.
He just sold another car.
He's in first place this month, but if I'm right about you, you'll be at the top of that board in no time.
- Really? - Absolutely.
And the top spot gets you that Vespa.
It looks like the one Mario Batali rode in “Food Warriors.
” It is the one.
Mario's a friend of mine.
I sold him his Buick Regal.
[BREATHES SHARPLY] Well, I've always wanted a Vespa.
'Cause it feels like a Harley's a little too much.
And the moped? Not quite enough.
But this Italian muffin here she threads the needle.
You see that? The language you're speaking It it's just poetry.
You have a way with words.
W You know what it is? I, uh Every time I-I feel like that, um, some I, um Thank you.
All right.
I did it.
Good for you.
Did what? I signed up to audition for the school play.
You said you'd help me.
So, let's do it.
Today? Oh, no, Jack.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
I have to be at Enzo's in like five minutes.
But my audition.
Audition? Yeah.
Yeah, Jack's going out for the school play.
Really? Huh.
I didn't realize there was a fellow thespian in the house.
That means he used to act.
Some call it “acting.
” Others say that I “held a mirror up to society.
” And that means he thinks he was good.
Okay, so, you can help him? - I would love to.
- Thank you.
All right, Jackie boy, let's dig into this material.
What are we performing? “Hamlet”? “Othello”? It's called “Bullying: Don't Do It”" My gym teacher, Mr.
Gronk, wrote it.
Oh, well.
We all start somewhere.
But don't worry.
I've got a lot of tricks in my bag.
Now, where does our journey begin? Oh, I take some kid's milk and flick him in the ear.
But that's probably just a metaphor for, um Oh, no.
You just take some milk, flick a kid in the ear.
- Hey.
- Hey.
There you are.
Well, what'd you find out? Did you get the sales numbers? I did not, but I got something way better.
A promotion.
Boom! Jerry bumped me to sales.
What're you talking about? What am I talking about? I sold three cars today.
A Camry, an Elantra, and then a Okay, what about the job that you were there to do? Let me finish.
And a Tahoe.
Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl swing! You do realize that Jerry's not your friend, right? He's the guy that we're supposed to nail.
Yeah, speaking of nails, by the way, he gave me a nickname.
He calls me “The Hammer”" because I hammer deals shut! - Killin' it.
- Okay.
Hey! - I need you to focus.
- Yeah.
- Can you focus? - Yeah.
I'm focused.
I spoke to the client.
She said that Jerry keeps his sales numbers on a purple thumb drive in his safe.
Yeah, you know what? I saw it.
- It's in his office.
- Okay.
And, by the way, now that I'm a salesman, I have access to that.
That is three-dimensional chess - I'm playin', girl.
- Great.
Great, great, great, great, great.
Tomorrow, go in there and just get it done, okay? I'm sorry.
Who do you want to go in there? I am not calling you “The Hammer,” so You just did.
Hey, kid.
Nice milk.
Leave me alone, Duke.
I will.
Right after I drink your milk! Okay, hold.
That's a hold.
What are you doing, Jack? Well, I'm saying the lines.
You're saying them.
I need you to feel them.
Look, when you're out there, there is no Jack.
There is only Duke Tortured bully and eventual hero.
Find it.
So louder? No, not lou Look.
[CLEARS THROAT] the point I am trying to impart in you is that you need to feel your character's pain, okay? Here, a little acting trick.
Take this pebble, place it in your shoe.
And then, every time you feel the pain in your foot, you will actually be feeling the pain in Duke's heart.
So I gotta walk around with a rock in my shoe? Yes! How else are you going to understand why Duke is picking on um “Boy Eating Sandwich” on page five? You are better than this, Mr.
Coffee, Mr.
Hammer? You know what? Make it a latte, Maritza.
And keep 'em coming.
I'm en fuego.
[LAUGHING] You're so funny, Mr.
Hey, I noticed you checking out the car, sport.
What's your name, player? - Dinesh.
- Dinesh.
I like it.
Power name.
Alpha! Actually, it means “Lord of the Day.
” So, I was right.
So, whaddya think of the car, Day Lord? It's nice.
I'm gonna have to disagree.
Bean bag chairs are nice.
Hemmed slacks are nice.
This is a beast, right? And I see an animal like you driving this baby tame it.
Rrrrww! You know what? You're right.
- I'm taking it.
- There you go.
Ring 'em up.
Nice, Hammer! Looks like you're number one.
That's what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about it, too, Jer.
Kendra told me you were working down here.
I might be in the, uh, market for a new vehicle.
Look, look.
I'm working undercover, so just keep it down, all right? All right, well, look, can you sell me a new car or not? 'Cause I'm motivated.
Just pick out a car.
I'll get it for you, all right? Yeah.
What can you tell me about this baby right over here? The “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” car? It's a promo car for some kids' movie.
A very successful kids' movie.
- So, what's the story with it? - There's no story.
It's a crappy car covered in meatball stickers.
The owner calls it his white whale.
Says he's never gonna be able to sell it.
[CHUCKLES] Playing it close to the vest.
Got it.
I mean, not that it would've mattered to me, because I'm not interested, you know? Okay, great.
Unless it was like a really sick deal.
It's not.
That's the That's the clearance price right there.
It's as sick as it's gonna get.
And the dance begins.
There's no dance.
That's the price, okay? I gotta go.
All right, I'm walking away.
Call me when you want to talk turkey.
No turkey.
I'm not calling you.
WOMAN: Greg Wilson, dial the operator, please.
Greg Wilson, dial the operator.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] [BELL DINGS] - Hey! - Hey! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Another sale for Trevor! [LAUGHTER] Looks like you have some competition, Hammer.
Or am I back to calling you “Kevin”? No, i-it's Hammer, sir.
Hammer's in the house.
That's what I like to hear.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, crap.
I left my safe open.
I hear what you're saying about not being able to afford the car.
But let me ask you this Can you afford to not not get it? Hmm? My friend, you ready to dance like nobody's watching? Can you excuse me for a second? Hey, what're you doing here? Oh, I work here now.
If you're not gonna get the thumb drive, we don't get paid.
- I'm gonna get it, all right? - R-Really? - What're you waiting for? - What am I waiting for? The right time, okay? I'm about to sell my seventh car.
You know how many I've sold this week already? I-I don't know six? That's right.
You can't even count that amount on one hand.
Unless you have a an extra finger, like that, you know, the girl who works at the Golden Corral.
You know, at the register.
She's got the extra pinky.
- She's so good, though.
- Can you Can you Can you focus?! Yeah, I'm focused.
Nobody's in the office.
Get in there and get the drive, or I will do it myself.
I'll do it, all right? And by the way, show a little pride in your work.
Throw that creamer on ice What are you tryin' to kill everybody? [WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.
] Okay, wait.
] Hey, Jer.
Hammer? Yeah.
What are you doing in here? I was, uh, just looking for a pen.
About ready to slam another deal shut, and I wanted one of those logo ones you have.
They're kind of cool, you know? Mm-hmm.
Everything all right, Jer? Actually, no.
Everything's not “all right.
” Take a seat.
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE] [CLEARS THROAT] What is wrong with the world? Can't trust anybody anymore.
You know what I'm saying? Not really.
I still have a lot of faith in people.
That's the way I was raised.
Turns out my ex-wife hired a private investigator to do some digging on me.
Dig up some dirt.
And I know who that person is.
In fact, I'm looking at 'em right now.
You are? Yep.
The new coffee girl.
You know what? I never liked her.
I-I-I got a bad vibe from her the minute I met her.
And, by the way, don't drink the cream, 'cause she's had it sitting out all day.
She's not good on that, either.
I knew I recognized her.
She wrote me a ticket four years ago.
I never forget a face.
So, what are what are you gonna do? Watch this.
Uh, oh, Elaine? Oh, yes, um, Mr.
Benton? I know what you're here for.
The thumb drive.
And it's not on my desk, so I guess you've already gotten it.
But it's not gonna help you.
I wiped it clean last night.
I-I-I do not know what you are talking about.
I think you do, Elaine.
I think you do.
You've got five minutes to get your stuff and get out of here.
Yeah, get out of here, Elaine! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Get out of here.
Tighten your hair net, woman.
You disgust me.
You disgust me! - Hammer, Hammer.
- Yeah? I like the anger, just pull it back a bit.
I can't believe my ex-wife would do me like this.
What happened? Long story.
She thinks I'm lying about the sales to pay less alimony.
Course, I wouldn't do that.
Right? Course not, Jer.
[LAUGHING] What are you doing sitting here? Get out there and sell some cars.
Oh, sorry, JB.
I-I thought we were having a moment here.
Okay, yeah.
I'm out.
- Hey.
Oh, thank you again for helping Jack with his audition.
Oh, when he comes in, do not refer to him as Jack.
I want him to live the part of “Duke the Bully.
” Okay, but don't you think that's a little intense for a 12-year-old? It's the process.
Is something wrong with your foot? Yeah.
I got a rock in my shoe.
Chale wanted me to “find the pain.
” Stay in character.
Duke would never admit to people that he's hurting.
She didn't ask him she asked me.
Hey! There is no “me.
” There is only Duke.
And the faster you realize that, the better.
You know what? I'm sick of this! I-I'm I'm sick of the rock in my shoe! I'm sick of acting! I'm sick of you! Well, well, well, look who just showed up.
[CHUCKLES] Hello, Duke.
Where have you been? Sorry.
We had cake in the service bay.
It's Denise's birthday.
Well, I wish I was there to celebrate Denise's big day, but you got me fired.
Okay, I didn't get you fired you got yourself fired.
All right? He saw right through you.
And, by the way, it was a little over the top [IMITATING KEVIN] “You disgust me.
” You don't disgust me, all right? I'm undercover.
- You disgust my character.
- Okay.
Just so you know, now we have nothing, okay? Because you were so obsessed with trying to get yourself a little “scooter.
” It's not a scooter, okay? Mario Batali does not ride a scooter.
He rides a Vespa.
Maybe I got a little carried away, all right? - Yeah.
- I hope it's worth it, - because we lost a client.
- Well, it's not over yet.
You remember that $600 pen-camera thing we talked about? You mean the one I told you we couldn't afford? And specifically forbidden you to lie? - Yeah, I bought it.
- No! Yes.
One click of this, and it is showtime.
That's a Sharpie.
This Oh, there he is! [CHUCKLES] My prodigy.
How did the audition go? I didn't get it.
What? How could that be? Did you stay in character? Well, I made a kid cry.
Yeah, my teacher said I scared her.
You mean Duke scared her.
Well, either way, I had to go see a guidance counselor.
And the school nurse because of my limp.
They said I'm the first person under 40 to get plantar fasciitis.
Oh, Jack, I'm sorry.
Oh, well, it's not all that bad.
This girl Katrina said I looked “dangerous”.
And guess who's taking her to the dance.
You? Yep.
The true reward every actor looks for chicks.
Hey, Jer, you got a second? Hey, what's shakin', Hammer? Make another sale? Not yet.
Just, uh Just startin' the day, actually.
- [CHUCKLES] - Well, get out there.
You're only, uh, two away from winning that Vespa.
Oh, it's happening.
[CHUCKLES] You know, I read that you can slap a fuel injector on it, get her up to 50, 55.
Safe? No.
Fun? You betcha.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Would you stop talking about the stupid Vespa? Yeah, he's not focused.
But, you know, it is interesting about the Vespa.
I did not know it could go that fast Rootger, I might need a little of this.
Actually, I wanted to give you one of these.
You know, just a little thank you for, uh, allowing me to work in your fine used-car establishment.
Wow, an Arturo Magnifico.
I'll only smoke one if you'll have one with me.
Well, that's why I brought myself another one.
[LAUGHS] Jer, I wanted to pick your brain on a couple things.
Ask you a few questions.
Kinda sensitive.
Well, anything you tell me stays here.
Appreciate that.
I've been dating this red-haired gal.
Lives in Jersey.
Right outside the Holland Tunnel.
You know, when you get out of the tunnel, there's that first quick exit? Comes up really fast? Mm-hmm.
It's not that one.
It's the one, uh, after it.
He doesn't need to know where your fake girlfriend lives, dummy.
Anyway, she wants to get married, but after I heard what happened with your wife I just I hope you don't mind me asking, but how do you hide money from your ex? Don't mind your asking.
To be honest, it's smart.
- The first thing I did was - [KNOCK ON DOOR] I'm off the fence.
I'm ready to buy.
What is Kyle doing there?! No, he's there to buy some car made out of meatballs.
Again, Rootger.
Kyle, I'm in the middle of something right here.
Look, I-I can't play the game anymore.
I want the Meatball car.
[SCOFFS] I'm busy right now, okay? Hold on a minute.
Did you just say you're interested in buying the movie car? Interested? Would a man drain his entire 401(K) if he was just “interested”? [CHUCKLES] Hammer, that's a special car.
That's why it counts as you selling two vehicles.
You sell that, the Vespa's yours.
Really? - Yeah.
- So, are we doing this, bro? Absolutely.
This is fantastic.
What are you What are you talking about? Kyle, he got the Meatball car.
What is this? One of those fancy Mount Blanks? [CAR HORN BLARES] Pull over! No! Why can't you just be happy for me?! Okay, look, I'd like to open today's team meeting by saying I'm sorry.
I got carried away, and I-I blew the case.
You didn't tell him? Tell me what? Oh.
Take a look.
My ex is so clueless.
She has no idea I moved everything into the Cayman account.
[CHUCKLES] How'd you get that? Well, your stupid brother, uh, left your stupid pen on Jerry's desk after he bought his car, and Jerry spilled everything.
Security questions, account numbers.
We got him.
Are you kidding? That's amazing! Wow! I guess Kyle's a lot cooler than I thought.
Beautiful day, ladies.
But it's about to get cloudy with a chance of meatballs.