Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e13 Episode Script

Monkey Fist Insecurity

1 Hey, I need some advice.
I want to go to the Ed Sheeran concert Saturday with my friends, so how do I get Dad to say yes? Okay, first of all, pronounce "Ed Sheeran concert" like this.
Are you ready? "Museum.
" Got it.
And then he's gonna ask you two questions "Who are you going with?" and "How are you getting there?" If you answer those with confidence, you are in the Sheeran business.
You mean museum business.
Ooh, nice! Morning, ladies.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Wow, looking sharp, Dad.
Ah, yeah, Vanessa and I got a pitch meeting today, so you got to dress like a winner.
Also put on some cologne so I smell like a winner.
[STRAINED] Yeah, yeah, that's a lot of winning you got on.
Yeah, the cap was loose.
She got away from me.
So, Dad, what do you think about me going to a museum in the city Saturday night? Who are you, uh Who are you going with? Just some friends Kiera.
Bunch of us.
Okay.
Um, who's driving? Kiera's mom.
Okay.
Okay, what, uh What museum? Um, the Museum of History.
History? No, I-I think she means the Museum of Natural History, - right, Sara? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The natural one.
Naturally.
I guess it's okay.
I mean, just Wait a second.
Hold on a second.
[CLEARS THROAT] [CELLPHONE DINGS] What time does the Museum of Natural History close on Saturday? - [CELLPHONE DINGS] - At 5:45 p.
m.
You're not going anywhere 'cause you lied! I'm sorry.
He had a flip phone when I was your age.
So, with our low overhead, we're able to provide top-notch security at a much lower cost to you.
Bottom line is, y-y-you need Monkey Fist 'cause people People out there are just They're bananas.
Hmm.
Bananas, monkeys [CHUCKLING] I love it.
It was It wasn't even on the card.
I just threw that out there.
That was amazing.
It was good.
Well, I got a feeling we'll see you real soon.
Alright! This is amazing.
- Great.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Okay.
Can you believe that - Alright, alright.
- Awesomeness.
Celebrate outside, outside, outside.
Okay, now! Yes! Yeah! We crushed it.
I mean, you were on fire with the stats.
I got to say They weren't even boring this time.
And And when you went on about the the banana thing, - I was first, I was cringing - Yeah.
but then he liked it, and I was like, "Okay!" Okay.
I was like I couldn't even believe it was happening.
I was literally hovering above my body, - watching myself say it.
- Right?! - I was like, "Go, go, go!" - Yes! Yes! That is amazing! We're gonna get this job.
- I feel it.
I really do feel good.
- I know.
I know.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- Okay, alright, let's get out of here.
Cellucci? Gable? Frank Munson? You What, you working SWAT now? Nah, nah, I retired eight years ago.
Started my own company Nassau Security.
Oh.
Nassau Security? You guys are huge.
We're doing alright.
Can't complain.
You? Uh, yeah, we started one, too.
Monkey Fist.
We're banging some pots and pans ourselves.
I don't follow.
You know, just making some noise, grabbing some attention.
I'm sure you heard of us.
No.
You guys on Long Island? Yes, we We're on Long Island.
We were just in there pitching.
Oh, totally crushed it.
- We just nailed it.
- Nice! We're actually heading in ourselves.
Matter of fact, John, go plug in the fog machine.
F-F-Fog machine? Yeah, we do a little, uh, weapons demo, some MMA.
You know, the old dog and pony show.
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, she was in there just dropping some facts about all different kinds of statistics and things like that, and I-I hit them with a banana riff.
Yeah, it was good.
By the way, Gable, I'm bummed you, uh, shaved the moustache.
I liked that thing.
Yeah.
I know you do because you used to call me Fat Burt Reynolds.
[LAUGHS] Look, I'm sorry, man.
I was kind of a jerk back then.
You know, we were both trying to make sergeant.
I said some things I'm not proud of.
Alright, cool.
Anyway, good luck with your pitch.
- May the best company win.
- Thanks.
[ELEVATOR DINGS] [CLEARS THROAT] They're the best company, right? Yep.
Not even close.
[CHEERING] Congratulations! Whoo! We didn't get it.
What happened? It wasn't our day.
I'll cancel the pizzas.
No.
Keep 'em.
I'm a stress eater.
Look, we know you guys need hours.
We'll We'll figure something out.
I don't want to quote you, but you said if we came to Monkey Fist, we'd be "stupid with jobs".
Relax.
You're halfway there.
Well, as long as we're airing grievances, my, uh, last paycheck bounced.
Okay, that wasn't our fault.
There was a technical glitch with the, uh, payroll.
- Yeah.
- What glitch? We didn't have any money in the account.
Hello.
- Munson? - Munson? Hope this isn't a bad time, guys.
Yeah, well, we heard you got the account.
So, what, you come here and want to give us a little "victory dance"? Look, when we first started out, we got our butts kicked, too.
Made us stronger.
And when the word gets out on you guys, you'll be turning down accounts.
And when that happens, I want you to celebrate.
- Tequila? - Little peace offering.
Let you know there's room enough for all of us.
Is that a real scorpion in there? Yep.
Covered in gold.
When you guys start landing the big gigs, crack it open, have a drink on me.
Hang tough, guys.
Thanks, man.
That was sweet! He took an account from us.
Ah, still, that's a classy move.
He's right.
- Thank you.
- Not you, Hodor.
Munson.
I mean, we got to up our game.
You know, maybe we should get tactical gear or something like that, or learn MMA.
You know, does anybody know about that stuff That mixed martial arts? Sounds dangerous.
Well, first thing we got to do is get our name out there - 'cause no one knows we exist.
- He's right.
We We need some type of advertising campaign.
Maybe we should rent one of those skywriting planes.
Now, hear me out on this.
We just buy one.
Wait a second.
We don't have any money! Okay, look, there's got to be a way we can do this without spending a lot of cash.
Yeah, that won't be hard to find somebody really smart who wants to work for free.
Based on what you told me, this Nassau Security sounds like a big player.
It's gonna be difficult to compete with them.
Heyyy, information we already have, guy! Moving forward, what you need to do is carve out your own niche in the marketplace.
So, if they keep getting the big fish, perhaps it's time you started targeting the little fish.
Actually, yes, Th that's smart.
We get like five little ones, and that's like landing one big fish.
- Exactly.
- Yep.
I-I-I know this is off-topic, by the way, but, uh, McDonald's has two-for-one Filet-O-Fish every Friday.
Today is Friday.
- Really? - I told you it was off-topic.
Alright, whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Just Small accounts.
Go ahead.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] Your other issue is branding.
Now, Mr.
Gable, can you tell me what is it that you and Vanessa are selling? - Security.
- Okay, yes, very good.
Now, can you put security in my hand? No, but I can put a fish sandwich in there, and one of mine.
Again, two-for-o.
It's Friday.
It all comes down to branding.
So, if you guys can come up with a slogan to that effect Uh, top of my head, "Monkey Fist: There Are No Small Fish in Our Pond.
" Oh, I like that! It tells people who we are.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
And it's positioning yourself Ehh, gonna stop you right there.
Monkeys don't eat fish, alright? They live in a jungle.
Watch some TV, people.
That's because it's not about monkeys.
It's about our company landing smaller accounts.
Or about our company not knowing basic monkey facts.
The point is, it's important to brand yourself.
How do we do that? I got it.
I got it.
"Monkey Fist: No Banana's Too Small.
" Write it down! This is crazy.
That one just flew out.
- Write it! - Fine, I'll write it.
If it'll end this, that's the slogan.
Great, now, the other thing we need to figure out How do we get that message out there? [LAUGHTER] It's like the monkey punch is coming right at me.
This is amazing! Yes, we made it! We're on a bus bench in Massapequa.
You know what, that attitude you got going on right there, - it's slowing down everything.
- Alright.
- This is unbelievable! - You're right.
It is.
It's a good moment.
Let's take a picture! - Alright, come on, let's go.
- Let's do this.
Come on.
Get a shot.
Come on.
Here.
I can put it on self-timer, so, if you guys want me to jump in the shot with you.
Um, you know what, let let's just do it, - like, a few just with us.
- Yeah.
And then maybe a second, you know what I mean? That's a no.
Okay, I get it.
Uh, you know what, I'm going to have to use a flash.
It's, uh It's a little dark.
Wait a minute.
How are people gonna see it at night, then? It It's fine, okay? Come on.
Take it.
Uh, tell you the truth, it's pretty dark.
[ELECTRICAL SURGE] Wow! That's it! Perfect! [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] So, how did they know to put the billboard right on our spot? I-I don't know.
They're just They're always one step ahead of us.
- Yeah, man.
It's weird.
- It gets worse.
We got a call this morning from Betty's Cake Supply.
They fired us.
They're going with Nassau Security.
Whoa, I was supposed to work there tomorrow.
- [SIGHING] Fellas.
- Oh, here he is right now.
All I got to say, what, did you come here to steal our food, too? Look, I'm sorry about the Betty's Cake thing.
They came to us.
Loved the billboard.
Whatever.
But, uh, can I talk to you for a sec? [SIGHS] What's up? Look, cop-to-cop, I just wanted you to know, Cellucci came by yesterday sniffing around for a job.
If one of my guys came to you, I know you'd tell me.
She'd never do that.
Plus, I was with her all day yesterday.
I-I don't know.
She said she was gonna tell you she was getting her hair cut or something.
She did say that.
Look, I'm not gonna hire her.
I mean, if I was poaching anybody, it'd be you.
I mean, you're the kind of guy that we look for at Nassau, you know? Alpha, urban warrior.
Yeah, you know, I do get urban warrior I get that a lot.
'Course you do.
Yeah, but, you know what, I'm, uh I'm committed to Monkey Fist.
So even if Vanessa wants to jump, I'm I'm not gonna do it.
Well, if you ever need a soft place to land I don't even have a card on me.
That's okay.
I can get all your information off the billboard.
It's pretty bright.
That's exactly what Betty said.
- Hey! - Hey! So, a little bit of good news.
We are one of two finalists for the Powell Industries account.
- Oh! - Yes, I know! This could be big for us.
Yeah, this could be big for us.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Anyway, so, I'm gonna go crunch some numbers for the pitch.
Question.
Uh, the other day, you said you went to get your hair cut.
Yeah? What about it? [GROANS] Funny thing It kinda looks the same length.
Because it is.
I just got highlights.
That's weird.
'Cause you didn't say you went to get highlights.
You said you went to get it cut.
Because I didn't want to get into a conversation similar to the one that we are having now.
Guys, uh, appreciate the banter about hair, but they're shutting off my water in three days if I don't get a check.
Time and a place, guy.
Time and a place.
Alright, I'm just gonna rip the tail off this donkey.
I know you met with Frank.
- What? - Yep, you're trying to jump ship.
I know all about it.
What are you talking about? Look, you want to go, go, but I'll tell you right now, you can't go to Munson 'cause he already rejected you.
That's right.
He's looking for an urban warrior.
He's looking for me.
Wait, so you talked to Munson about a job? - Yeah, after you did.
- Okay.
For the last time, I went to the hair salon to get highlights! Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but I can see your roots! That's because I didn't get color! It's highlights, stupid! And bye-bye, cable.
Thanks for giving me a ride home.
Soon as I get money, I'll get the boot off the wheel of my car.
Hey, I wish things were better, but they're not.
You really think Vanessa's going to leave us? I don't I don't know what to think anymore.
I just know this I know Nassau Security just keeps crushing us.
By the way, this is going to sound weird, but any chance I can come to your house tonight while you're asleep and watch Dutch TV? I did tell you it was going to be weird.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Are you kidding me? What? KEVIN: Unbelievable.
Animals.
Who would do this? It was Munson.
Look, he wrote "Fat Burt Reynolds.
" He used to call me that when we were back on the force.
Not cool.
Who's Burt Reynolds? The actor! From "The Longest Yard" and "Smokey and the Bandit".
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That guy.
[LAUGHING] I'm sorry.
I'm very visual.
We got to We got to get back at them, man.
Well, good luck with that, you know? He knows what you're doing before you do it.
I know.
I can't figure it out.
Yeah, it's like he has a fly on the wall or something.
Wait a second.
Say that again.
Oh, come on.
We talked about this.
When I say a phrase wrong, just correct me.
Don't make me repeat it for amusement.
"Fly on the wall.
" That's it! What are you doing? Kevin, drinking is not the answer.
VANESSA: Hey.
Kev, I'm sorry about earlier today.
I don't want to argue with you, - so just for - Yeah, well, too late, okay? Monkey Fist is over.
- Done datta.
- What? [NO AUDIO] Literally didn't get any of that, so I don't know what you're Uh, hold.
So, what I'm saying is, you and I are finished.
Good.
Couldn't happen soon enough.
Can't stand seeing you every day.
And I can't stand the sound of your annoying voice every day.
"Rah, rah, rah!" Yeah.
Great.
And And And I can't stand watching you stuff your big, fat pumpkin head with food every day, with your dirty sweats, looking like a homeless gym teacher.
Well, we can speak freely here.
There are absolutely no hidden listening devices.
I just can't believe that Munson planted a bug in a tequila bottle.
I got to admit, though Pretty great.
Not that great 'cause I figured it out.
Well, technically, I figured it out because I said "fly on the wall.
" So, that's how he knew about the accounts, the billboards, my hair, everything.
Yeah, he was trying to split us up, but you know what? We have faith in one another.
What are you talking about? You threw me under the bus the first chance you got.
Yeah, that was a test.
And You passed.
Congratulations.
[SIGHS] So we're on to Munson's game.
Now we know Hold the phone.
I got it.
Have you got a plan, Mr.
Gable? I do.
I got an incredible one.
Mm! Guys, this is where you would, uh, follow me.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Guys, here are your scripts.
Just stick to the words, okay? Let's do this.
Okay.
The final meeting of Monkey Fist Security is now [KNOCKS] in order.
It's a sad day.
So, so sad.
But we gave it our best shot.
Yeah, the Fist is dead.
[NO AUDIO] Well said, Kevin, as usual.
Well, I guess we should call the guys over at Powell Industries and tell them we're not gonna pitch.
Oh, I-I-I don't think we should do that 'cause if Nassau Security found out, they'll just jack up the prices.
I mean, no competition Yeah, but that's Powell Industry's problem, not ours.
Rootger, good point.
You're Rootger.
You don't You don't say "Rootger".
- So, why did you write it? - Alright, just Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] Alright, everybody, I guess have a good life.
Yep, at least we ended as friends, sort of.
Rootger, keep in touch.
Rootger exits.
[STRAINED WHISPERING] Get out! Get out! We know we're not cheap, but we're the best, and you get what you pay for.
Nice job, boys.
[CHUCKLING] What the hell? What are you doing here? I heard you guys broke up.
[CHUCKLES] Well, sometimes tequila bottles lie.
You found it.
Yeah.
That's right.
- Took you a while.
- Mm, not really.
Couple days, though.
Kinda long.
- Not that long.
I'm telling you - Okay, okay, stop it.
- it was not that long.
- Just knock it off.
By the way, you still got to go in there and pitch Prove you're better than us.
And we killed it.
- No problem.
- [CHUCKLES] Hey, Goody, set up the fog machine.
We don't have a fog machine.
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
Why don't you say it a little louder? You know what, I'd say good luck, but it doesn't really even matter at this point.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Alright, you know what, you guys? Let's Let's get in there and do the pitch of our lives, okay? They are not the better company.
They are just dressed nicer.
Alright.
She's right.
Alright, let's do this! ROOTGER: Yeah! Whoo! MOTT: Guys, guys, I-I just got to use the bathroom, real quick.
I told him to go before we left the house.
[SIMPLE MINDS' "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME]" PLAYS] Hey, hey, hey, hey Ooooooh KEVIN: We might not have big billboards or fancy tactical uniforms, but to be great, you don't need any of that stuff.
All you need is a retired cop.
VANESSA: Another retired cop.
MOTT AND GODDY: Two more retired cops.
CHALE: A British tech whiz.
ROOTGER: And a Dutch guy without cable.
KEVIN: Together, we make a monkey with a very big fist.
When you walk away [TRAFFIC PASSING IN DISTANCE] [GRUNTS AND PANTS] Okay, I don't I don't like this.
I This is a bad idea.
We got the account.
That's good.
But you know what, we never got these guys back.
It's about honor.
We're doing this.
Are you gonna give Frank a moustache? What? Crazy hairdo? Nah, I'm taking out the "N" so it says "Assau Security".
Okay, why don't you just take out the "AU" so it just says "Ass Security"? Ohh! That is better! You know, I know I don't tell you enough, but I love having you as a partner.
God, that is the sweetest thing you've ever said! I think we make a great team.
Alright, here we go.
[EXHALES] - [PANTING] Okay.
Whoa! - Careful! Oh Oh, really? Is that what you're supposed to do? - Be careful?! - Okay.
Okay, yeah, here we go, here we go, here we go.
[SPRAY CAN RATTLING] [THUDS] Oh! [THUDDING] Ohh! You okay? [STRAINING] I can't feel my onions.
[GRUNTS] I got it.
I got it.
Alright? Here we are.
[THUD, SPRAY CAN CLATTERS] Okay, the the Oh.
[GRUNTING] You got to You got to get yourself Ba - You got to You got to - I'm getting it.
Would you stop talking to me for a second?! Okay, stop panicking.
You're fine.
I'm right here.
I got you.
[SIREN WAILING] Ooh, cops! Gotta go! Where you going?! [GRUNTING]