Kevin Hart: Don't F**k This Up (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

This Has to Work

- [Kevin.]
You got everything? - [Eniko.]
I've been waiting.
You excited to be back on the road? [Eniko.]
Party time! Don't you miss me being on the road, huh? - Don't I Come on.
- Don't you miss me? - Come on, pie-head.
- [laughs.]
Don't you miss me? - Answer my question.
- Being your tagalong.
You're gonna get some laughs, gonna get some fun.
- Some sex maybe? - Oh, my God.
- Now we're pushing it.
- Jesus.
- I don't know if I got it.
- [laughs.]
I'm tired.
I don't know if I got it in me.
Oh, now you don't have it.
What's the point of me coming then? - You trying to get another baby.
- I can stay here and just don't get it.
You trying to get You trying to get a Zo baby two.
That's what you trying to get.
All right, come on.
We decided to shoot my stand-up special in the UK because London has been so good to me, man.
London grew with me.
When I started doing these arenas, the UK's numbers were matching my New York numbers.
So, I said it's only right to to pay homage.
This was my way of saying thank you.
Every little thing that I tried to do sexually [giggling.]
- he hated it.
- Women get pregnant, - they get nasty.
- That's the best - That's when you're the horniest.
- Yeah.
They get nasty.
They wanna do things as if - [laughs.]
- as if they're not pregnant.
As if they ain't got a goddamn human in in their belly.
You walking around looking like a full-fledged alien.
- I'm not gonna say too much.
- [laughs.]
What, you Come here.
- Something on your mouth.
- Hmm? Something on your mouth.
'Cause when I wanna do things, you're like, "No.
" - "That's enough.
That's enough.
" - "My son is in there.
" - [Eniko.]
Why were you so mean? - You used to make me laugh, though.
Waddling around.
You guys gonna have another baby? Are we, babe? - Ugh.
For the love of God.
- [sputters.]
Jesus Christ, man.
God damn! [instrumental theme music plays.]
Real quick, y'all know this is the big shit.
This is what all of the prep, all of the hard work, all of the dates The reason why I spent all the money on production is basically to gear up for what we're about to tape.
It has to be big.
It has to be better.
It's It's that simple.
I mean, every special has elevated, and this production here has put me in a position to elevate past what I did on What Now? This is just me amping you guys up to understand what's at stake.
- All right? Thank you guys so much.
- [clapping.]
I appreciate you.
"Irresponsible" on three.
- One, two, three.
- [all.]
Irresponsible! Irresponsible is Kev's sixth special.
It all began with Grown Little Man.
[cheers and applause.]
This is his introduction to the world.
He had been sitting on these jokes since he started comedy.
I didn't know you can get mad at kids to the point where you want to fight.
- [laughter.]
- [Kevin chuckles.]
You're gonna wanna fight a kid, man.
Kids are assholes.
Like, my daughter is a asshole.
Seriously Funny is what really legitamized Kev, kind of introduced people to a serious force.
Now you know when you get smacked when you a kid, you get hyped.
When you get by yourself, "You gonna smack me, bitch? [laughter.]
- "In front of my friends?" - [laughter continues.]
Laugh at My Pain was his Richard Pryor moment where he opened the box to a lot of his pain.
He kind of formed a style, which was storytelling.
If you think somebody in your family is on drugs, do not ignore the signs.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
My grandma gave me a birthday card, I opened it up, $20 fell out.
When the $20 fell out, my dad stepped on it.
Let Me Explain was something that he felt like he needed to do as far as explaining the life that comedy has put him in.
He understood the power that he had and the message that he wanted to send out.
Here's what I want to explain about my divorce.
She's happy, she's moved on.
I'm happy, I've moved on.
I'm I'm happier than she is, though.
I am.
What Now? was Kevin Hart on ten.
He says, "This is gonna be the greatest comedy tour ever.
" Selling out a stadium, something a comic has never done.
I said, "Bet money, bitch.
" That's me and my friends' biggest problem.
We're competitive.
The word "bet" sets off that competitive nature.
I said, "Bet money, bitch.
" Harry said, "Bet.
" Wayne, "Bet.
" Spank, "Bet.
" Joey, "Bet.
" Bitch, bet.
- Bet.
Motherfucker, bet.
Nigga, bet.
- [laughter.]
Comedy in its essence is tragedy and drama.
And Kev, his ability to just be an open book and talk about some of the toughest stuff in his life makes him a good comic.
This show is bigger than just tonight.
This special has to be watched and rewatched for years to come.
I gotta make sure that my production team is on point and focus about the night that we have at hand.
I gotta make sure our cameras up and running, I gotta go through set design, I gotta go through lighting, I gotta talk to my director.
- How's everything? Good.
- How are you, brother? The challenge of this is theater in the round, it's an arena, and so we have to rethink of it in a 360-degree space.
But it's gonna be a lot of fun.
Leslie, what about the rig that we were talking about? Did we go with that? The real cams will be down here.
- Are they tracking with me? Okay.
- Tracking all the way around.
Not only is he telling a story, but he's also understanding that there are different levels of communication.
He's communicating to this live audience, but he's also communicating to the audience that will be seeing this in the broadcast.
[slow heartbeat rhythm.]
There's a lot that goes with this special.
After Vegas happened I was supposed to not be able to recover.
I was supposed to lay down and just accept the the defeat of the moment.
And I had to take a deep breath and go, "Wait a second, Kevin.
You know who you are.
Don't run away from what you've done and what you've been successful with.
Address all.
And be be you.
" Kev really, really works hard, as far as he puts in the work, as far as going to the little clubs, and working on a set at the beginning.
- I'm on marriage number two.
- [crowd chuckles.]
Marriage number fucking two.
That means this has to work.
And then getting into the clubs later on.
You know what that means? That means this has to work.
It has to! This marriage has to work.
If this doesn't work, I gotta start looking at myself.
- Like, it may be me.
I gotta start - [laughter.]
And then getting into the arenas.
You get to marriage three, four, five, if you get there, at that point, you're not even looking for love.
You just looking for a death buddy.
- You're looking for somebody to die with.
- [laughter.]
There's so much thought that went into it.
It This has to work.
- [man.]
Funniest guy on the planet.
- "All right, all right, all right.
" - [both laugh.]
- "You're gonna learn today.
" Yeah, funniest movies.
He's just one of the best, like, actors in the world, I think.
It's Kevin.
Like, when I say Kev, - you say - Hart.
- Kevin - Hart.
I'm so excited.
Just from what he's come from to be where he is today.
You know, he works, gets where he wants to be.
It's just, yeah, an inspiration for me.
It's just crazy.
His work ethic is 25/8.
You just can't hate.
He literally does what he does on the tin.
Like, Kevin Hart, he's got heart, he bangs it out.
- He's the best out right now.
- Literally.
Apart from Dave Chappelle.
Dave Chappelle is a legend.
No, cut that out, cut that out.
[both laughing.]
Kevin is this guy who's trying to expand his brand, where people start to go, "That's Kevin Hart, the international star.
" Oh, shit.
Hold on.
- What up? - Hold on.
Hold on.
Who done let this young man in here? - How you doin'? - Great.
How about you? I appreciate you coming, man.
I've always wondered how comedians translate in different cultures.
'Cause I was trying to go see Kevin in Australia like two years ago, when we were shooting Kong, and I was questioning, "Are Australians gonna get what he's talking about?" And being in this particular culture, watching, listening, observing the audience, hey, humor works where humor works.
Especially, you know, uh, universal themes like, you know, children, families, and, uh, your own personal fuck-ups.
Heavenly Father, we come to you, head bowed, giving thanks for this moment.
Uh, we ask you to put your hand on Kev and allow him to do what you blessed him to do - and the talents that you gave him.
- [baby fussing.]
Uh, enrich these peoples' lives.
- Uh, in your name we pray.
- [all.]
When you go out there, what you gonna do? You know, word on the street is, this may be my best one.
- That what they're saying? - That's what they're saying.
They're trying to say your last one's your best one.
- Lot of people ain't like that one.
- What? - They shit on that.
I read the reviews.
- What's your fucking problem, man? Said you could tell he got money 'cause he ain't as funny as he used to be.
- God damn! - [all hooting.]
- I remember hearing that, reading that.
- Shots fired.
But whatever.
Get in the box and do what you gotta do.
- We're here for you.
- Y'all wanna know what keeps me humble? - This shit here.
This shit here.
- [Wayne.]
You gotta have a balance.
You can't have a big head around these goddamn, uh, self I got nothing.
See what I'm saying? Told you.
He falling off.
Old Kevin would've killed that joke.
- [man.]
Thank you.
- [Kevin.]
Go time, baby.
- We got a lot riding on this.
- I'm all right.
I don't wanna put no pressure on you, but there's a lot of people out there, Kev.
[crowd cheering.]
[Joey over mic.]
London, how we doin'? Mom, I know you're watching over me.
I know you're proud.
In your name we pray.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're ready for Kevin Hart, put your hands together.
Showtime! - [crowd cheering.]
- [jazz intro playing.]
Welcome to the Irresponsible tour.
Um I don't like to waste time.
I feel like when I'm out here, we might as well get to the shit.
- Let's just Let's just get to the shit.
- [laughter.]
Shit hit the fan for me and my marriage.
Everybody had an opinion.
- "Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!" - [laughter.]
"Kevin Hart did it again.
Kevin Hart fucked up again.
" I wanna make something perfectly clear.
I did not fuck up again, okay? In my first marriage, I filed for divorce.
That means that I chose to leave.
That means that I made a better decision for me in my life.
That's not fucking up.
That's me moving on.
Okay? Now, this time, I fucked up.
This This was fucking up, yes.
If you don't take anything from tonight, take this one piece of information with you.
So many people are on this journey to live a perfect life.
I personally think it's stupid.
The reason I say it's stupid is because you have no idea what perfection is unless you've experienced imperfection.
The point that I'm making is that you should embrace your flaws and fuck-ups because they help make you who you're supposed to be.
Don't run away from your bullshit.
Embrace it and become better.
- That's my message.
- [cheers and applause.]
It's been real, London.
My name is Kevin Hart, goddammit.
I appreciate the love.
Thank you guys so much.
I fucking love you.
I love you.
[cheering continues.]
[no audible dialogue.]
Now, both of my parents were fans of stand-up comedy.
When I was extremely young, I remember they were in the front room, they were watching a video.
And my mom, she wouldn't allow us to see it.
Everybody in that damn room was laughing, but it sounded like more happiness than I've ever heard in that house.
[woman laughing.]
Very good.
I looked into the screen, and the man on the TV was dressed in red leather, standing alone, walking back and forth, speaking loud.
I didn't know that a movie could be one person on the stage, standing still and being that damn funny.
- "Ice cream!" - [laughter.]
"The ice cream man is coming! The ice cream man is coming!" [Kevin.]
And I wanted to laugh too, but I was pretty much just staying quiet and I was watching.
I remember being in school after that.
You could hear older kids reciting from the movie, Eddie Murphy: Delirious.
- "Mom!" - [audience laughing.]
"Mom!" [Kevin.]
My dad loved Redd Foxx, Robin Harris, definitely loved Richard Pryor.
You ever notice how nice white people get when there's a bunch of niggas around? [laughter.]
Right, they get outside, they talk to everybody.
- "Hi! How you doing?" - [laughter.]
"I don't know you, but here's my wife.
Hello!" [Kevin.]
Some of the funniest stuff ever would be listening to my dad laugh when he watched it, listening to my mom laugh when she watched Sinbad and and Cosby.
It was seeing the power of a joke.
Seeing what a joke could do to the people closest to me.
Knowing that stand-up comedy made my parents happy gave me the feeling and understanding that me choosing this as a craft would do the same exact thing.
When I said I want to be a comedian of course you get a laugh.
And after you get a laugh, you instantly get the doubt.
"You ain't even that funny," you know.
"Wha Comedian? You ain't You can't be no comedian.
You don't know comedy like that.
" Because everybody has a picture of what a comedian is in their head.
And that picture is always what's considered to be great.
You don't see the levels below it.
There's a time when you say comedian, people only think Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy.
"You ain't Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.
Sit your stupid ass down.
" [chuckles.]
My brother, "Hey, do as you want, man.
I mean, you're my brother, I love you, but I I don't see it.
" Between 1999 and 2004, I was a I was a struggling comedian.
I mean, struggling.
But then I met a guy named Keith Robinson who's a comedian from Philadelphia, and he was doing a lot a lot of stuff.
He was auditioning, he was in a movie, he was on talk shows.
He was doing so much.
And he pulled me to the side one night, and he's like, "Look, you're funny, but you're not talking about anything.
You're not saying anything.
There is nothing that I know about you after seeing you perform.
" I'm at McDonald's ordering my food.
The cashier clerk had a tip cup next to the register in McDonald's.
I'm not tippin' nobody for pressing a Big Mac button Little Dummy, yeah, that's what we call him.
I met him in Philadelphia, and I seen his little act, and I thought he had a good act.
He said if I was serious about comedy, "Meet me on the turnpike.
" [chuckles.]
"What?" [scoffs.]
"Shut up, stupid.
" That's how he talks.
"Meet me at Exit 8 on the turnpike.
" And I brought him up to New York with me, to here, so he can see how everybody does it here in New York.
Keith made me aware of what a real comedian was, what work should go into the craft of comedy.
Everything changed.
He said, "New York is where you need to be.
This is where comedians are made.
" And now the people that are way above me are becoming my peers.
"Oh, my God.
I'm in.
I'm in the club of comedy.
" The comedians there, they felt like they were doing important work to elevate the art of comedy.
Buried occasionally amongst the thousand snaps was a genuine compliment.
When Chris walked in, I was actually introduced as a guy with a lot of potential.
It felt good.
It was a feeling of acceptance, success.
The equivalent of your mom telling you that she's proud of you.
As a black comedian, the thing that you want is not just to be funny, but to be able to be accepted by all.
Acceptance is a drug that is as powerful as crack.
- [Kevin.]
How you doing, sir? - [speaks indistinctly.]
Ow, ow, ow Even though I'm becoming, you know, the quote/unquote "movie star," I need stand-up comedy.
I need the live audiences.
Without it, I'm just I'm not the same.
- [overlapping chatter.]
- How are you, man? I don't want you guys to expect an amazing performance right now, 'cause I don't I don't really know [laughter.]
I don't really know what I wanna talk about.
But I'm, uh I'm addicted to comedy, and, uh, I can't be in New York and not get on stage, so [cheers and applause.]
Me and my wife openly talk about shit.
Like my sex drive isn't what it used to be.
And that's that's a comfortable feeling when you can admit that.
You have to be comfortable.
Like, I know my dick ain't shit no more.
I know it's not.
I don't care.
I don't I'm okay with that.
Like, I'm not it's not a thing where I'm like, "Oh, fuck.
I gotta fix it.
" - I don't care.
- [crowd chuckling.]
We had a talk about it.
She's like, "You ain't nowhere near what you used to be.
" I was like, "You're not hurting my feelings.
" [laughter.]
"You're not hurting my feelings.
I know.
I know I'm not.
I'm tired.
I got a lot of shit going on.
" [laughter.]
- "I'm fucking tired.
Make a choice.
" - [laughter continues.]
I told her, "Make a choice.
You want this life or good dick? I can give you good dick but this life is gonna change.
" [laughter.]
"I can't do both.
I can't.
I can't keep the schedule I keep and give good dick.
It's impossible.
" There's nothing better than New York comedy - and the crowds that fucking support it.
- [cheering.]
- Thank you guys so much.
- [cheers and applause.]
I appreciate you.
- Hey! - Look at Strokey Robinson.
Go back over there with that teenage hoodie.
Get outta here.
Your outfit reeks of your son.
Get the fuck outta here.
He's gonna leave a loser.
Look at you.
[indistinct chatter.]
- Pull up a fucking chair.
- You shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.
I'mma tell you who fucked me up.
I was good, man.
Young kid, didn't know shit.
"Wow, the stars!" Little things excited me.
"Man, New York City!" "All right, nigga, I'm gonna show you the city.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Come here.
Get him.
" Get out there and tour.
Get out there and hit it.
- I'm literally tired.
- [Keith.]
Damn, Chris.
Like I'm I'm like, um I gotta go to bed.
Tired of being good, huh? [laughing.]
Hey, man, I miss New York.
Thought you was gonna move down here.
What happened? I I wish I could.
I fucking miss New York.
I miss this.
- Cheers.
- All right, now.
Put it up.
I'll take water, too.
I don't know, man.
I'm on cloud nine.
I'm on cloud nine.
I got to see my peers, I got to sit at the table, share stories, share moments, and more importantly, work on my craft some more.
[upbeat instrumental music plays.]
Get outta here.
- [all chattering.]
- It's great to be out here, man.
We're about to get it in.
Just for Laughs.
Yeah! [Kevin.]
So when I come to Montreal, it's a lot of self-reflecting.
This is where I got into my first festival.
The Just for Laughs comedy festival is big for so many reasons, because this is where comedians were discovered, this is where opportunities were given, this is where deals are made.
- Carry that.
- I wish I would.
- Enough.
- I wish I would carry that goddamn bag.
All my success within comedy has come from the help of other comedians.
So I try to do what I can to help others.
Simply show my love and support for these up and coming comedians.
- [Kevin.]
Sun's out, guns guns out.
- Oh, there we go.
Rock star in the building.
- What's up? Good to see you.
- How are you, man? Good to see you.
- Hey, what's up? - Hey.
- Thanks, brother.
- [chattering.]
This nigga is giving out tater tots, that's how rich he is.
Have to tell my wife "thank you.
" Kevin Hart brought $14,000 worth of tater tots for the crowd.
[all laughing.]
You know what, I, uh I was talking to Chris, I told Chris, I said the biggest thing I was thinking about Do you have a Is there an end time? - A A what time? - Is there an end time? What do you mean? Do you go, "Yeah, man, when I'm, like, 50, I'mma I'mma chill.
- When I'm 60" - [stammers.]
Oh, I have no idea.
Like right now, today, I feel like I can go on forever.
- I don't think I'd stop.
- There are days I don't think I don't think I I don't think I'd stop doing comedy.
I think maybe the tours - Um - And of course, at a level, that stops.
- I don't think you'll stop.
- I don't think I'll stop.
I think at old age or whatever, I'm still - You'll be better.
- I'm still going and sitting on the stool.
Opposite of fighters.
The older we get, the more effective we get.
The better we get.
For As systematic as we are at times with the shit that we want to do, shit that we're trying to do, when you're done touring and if there isn't a movie, - and you're just sitting - Kev, you're talking to Dave.
- There's never a movie.
- [laughter.]
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
To present the award for Comedy Person of the Year, Kevin Hart.
[cheers and applause.]
Aah, thank you, man.
I've had the joy and pleasure of knowing Tiffany for a long time.
I'm big on vibes, and the vibe that I got from Tiffany when I first met her was nothing short of amazing.
As a black woman, to do what you're doing and follow in the footsteps of the other black women that do what you did, you're making a lot of the comedian actresses that are coming up behind you proud, and you're letting them see what can be.
Continue to be great, Tiffany Haddish, and goddammit, you deserve the award that's coming your way.
[crowd cheering.]
- I love you.
- Love you.
- [crowd cheering.]
- All right! Thank you, Kevin.
I brought you something.
I want you to open this in front of everybody.
I bought this for you 'cause I'm a caring, loving person, and I appreciate everything you did for me.
I got you some shoes.
Look what's inside the shoe! There's a There's an ongoing battle.
Tiffany I lent her money a long time ago.
She's been trying to give me this money back.
So she's being a jerk and giving it to me in front of y'all [laughter.]
'cause she knows I can't give it back to her right now.
I gave it to you in front of white people.
It counts.
- Yeah, okay.
- [laughter.]
Howie! Wait, I got you, Howie.
- How are you, buddy? - I came in too hot.
- Good to see you, man.
- You were amazing.
- Thank you, man.
Thank you.
- Just so great.
Your work ethic - Thank you, man.
- Wonderful speech, everything.
Come on, Jo.
- How are you, man? - Good to see you, man.
- What you doin' tonight? - Thinkin' I'll come to your show.
That's me.
Text me right now.
- Congratulations.
- Kevin, it's nice to meet you.
Thank you.
- Bless you.
I watched your special.
- Thank you.
I love your work.
Thank you.
Congratulations on everything.
- All right, everybody in.
- Rel, Rel! - One, two - Success! [Kevin.]
Let me tell you what the biggest compliment to any comedian is.
You're accepted by all.
The intent is to make people laugh, make people happy.
When you do that on a global level it's groundbreaking.
I know what it feels like to see things change and to come full circle.
This particular tour, Irresponsible, I hate using the term "comeback," but the reaction and feedback was unreal.
It was mind-blowing.
- Today is a great day.
It's a huge day.
- [man.]
Yo, man.
- Congratulations, man.
- Thank you, man.
- [man.]
Good shit.
- Uh We are in Australia, and news has just been given that, uh, I'm hosting the Oscars, which has been in the works for quite some time, so I was quiet about it, until we, uh, saw if it was gonna happen, and found out today, - it's concrete, it's happening.
- [elevator doors open.]
Mind blown.
It doesn't get bigger than this, man.
While in Melbourne, Australia, you get hit with the biggest news of your career.
This is something that, uh You're digging now the conversation of of-of legends that have touched that stage, and hell, one of the biggest nights in Hollywood.
So The fact that Kevin Hart is now a part of that conversation [mimics explosion sound.]
Nancy Hart, I know you're proud of me, you're smiling.
I know you're overwhelmed with joy, as am I.
Love you, Mom.
Message from me to you.
This is fucking dope right now.
[muted cheering.]
Probably one of the most exciting days of my life.
Of course, it's a lifelong dream.
[muted laughter.]
How many comedians hosted the Oscars? It's not a lot, and you're now a part of that conversation.
[crowd cheering.]
This here is my second time back.
We sold two shows outta this bitch.
Thank you so much.
[crowd cheering.]
I appreciate you! And we're gonna close out with a bang.
I got the biggest news of my fucking career, and it happened today while I was up in Melbourne.
Uh, I'm hosting the fucking Oscars, people.
[crowd cheering.]
I'm hosting the goddamn Oscars, man.
And Thank you.
I'm a fucking comedian who dreams, and when you really work hard, you start to see these dreams get accomplished.
It just gives you a different perspective of life.
And if you're here in this room and you have a dream, if you got the kind of vision, I'm living proof that that shit is possible and that it can happen, because I'm a fucking dreamer.
And these dreams are slowly getting checked off of my goddamn list.
And me coming to fucking Melbourne and Australia, once upon a time was a dream that you guys helped make a reality.
Thank you from the bottom of my fucking heart for supporting me and loving me.
Thank you.
[instrumental theme music plays.]