Kickin' It (2011) s01e16 Episode Script
Dude, Where's My Sword?
Yeah! Wow, Jack, Your new bo staff routine is awesome.
Thanks, man.
You know what I say about bo staffs? Bo-ring.
Swords is where it's at, bro.
Oh, so you know how to use a sword? I've been practicing with the attachments on my mom's vacuum cleaner.
In one move I can whack the ceiling fan down And suck the curtains off the wall.
Well, that katana sword that Rudy loves so much is right there.
Yeah, give it a shot, Jerry.
Uh Yeah yeah, I'll-- I'll give it a shot.
You know, I'm not sure the thing's as balanced as well as my mom's vacuum cleaner.
And there's no brush on the end of it, But I'll give it a shot.
Hey, Jerry.
Whatcha doing? Uh, just airing out the pits.
Well, let me be clear: No one touches my katana.
Bobby, what's wrong? Rudy, I didn't get the part in that movie.
I'm sure the part was just wrong for you.
It was to play Bobby in "The Bobby Wasabi Story.
" Well, maybe there's another part for you.
- I'm Bobby.
- Oh.
Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Kickin' It S01E16 Dude, Where's My Sword It's over.
My movie career is over.
I have nothing left, Except my eight houses, 40 dojos And a toilet carved out of a giant ruby.
You think my life is perfect? My girlfriend broke up with me three months ago.
She said I didn't pay enough attention to her.
I miss Jenny.
Her name was Carol.
Whatever her name was, I miss her.
It's okay, Rudy.
Let's get our cry on.
Rudy, I need you and your mustache bear man to stop crying.
I'm trying to have a happy hour.
What's wrong with you? I haven't had a day off in 17 years.
Everything is work work work.
We have to take our lives back, Go some place where men can be men.
- The sauna.
- I'm in.
I'm talking about really taking our lives back, You know, going out on the open road.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get on some hogs and ride.
That's brilliant-- a pig rodeo.
I'm talking about motorcycles.
Pigs on motorcycles? It's getting wild up in here.
Yep, kids, every once in a while You have to put on the leather pants And hit the open road with the boys.
Now all I need is for one of you guys to come in on Saturday and water the plants.
Sure.
I'll do it.
All right, let me get the keys from the office.
They're in my pocket.
Hey hey, our gas-powered pigs are ready to ride us.
I'm gonna feel so alive out there on the open road-- Men being men.
I should put my hair back.
Kim, can you spot me a scrunchie? Okay, guys, I've got the keys.
Let's go.
We'll see you guys in a few days.
See ya.
That is the worst biker gang ever.
Guys, we've got these keys and Rudy's gone for the weekend.
Do you know what that means? Yes, we need to come up with a chart With everyone's plant watering responsibilities.
No, Eddie, it means We can throw that party we've always wanted to have.
With girls and music and girls And food and girls.
Do you know who we should invite? - Brad Wolf.
- Kathy Davis.
Brad's a good guy.
Yeah, Kathy's nice.
Now let's get back to the party.
Rudy will flip if he finds out, So we have to keep things small and under control.
This party is both huge and out of control.
This is the greatest.
Hey, Phil, you should probably Put the wind visor on your helmet down.
What is a wind visor? This trip was long overdue, Rudy.
Feels like the old Bobby's back in the game.
He's okay.
Luckily that barn stopped him.
All right, party people.
I'm D.
J.
Eddie D.
And this one goes out to Kim Crawford.
Oh yeah.
This is my jam.
Where's Brad? Um, I don't know.
I just started dancing, turned around and he was gone.
Huh? That's weird.
So where's Kathy? She's, you know-- we're having a great time, Hanging out, tearing it up.
- She didn't show, did she? - No.
Great party.
I've had so much grape juice, I bet my uvula's purple.
Check it out.
Dude, who let you in here? Kevin, I get it.
You're the captain of the football team.
You get into all the parties, But I don't give a fiddler's fart about that.
You're looking at your worst nightmare-- A nerd with a clipboard.
Hey, come on, man.
Can I just get--? Uh, don't beg, Kevin.
It's just sad.
Why are we stopping here? That billboard said two miles up is a restaurant that serves a 'splodin' onion.
That did look good.
And I'll say it, I would love to have an onion 'splode on my face.
Can I take your order? How would you describe your trout? It's a fish.
- I recognize you.
- You do? I mean of course you do.
I am Bobby Wasabi, legendary film star.
Not you.
Him.
You're Rudy.
I've seen all your karate commercials.
Your moves are amazing.
Yeah, I guess I do have a few moves.
Can we get back to my trout, please? So I see your girl Kathy finally showed up.
Yeah, she's over there dancing with your boy Brad.
What? So since they're-- do you think we should--? - We could, but do you think it would--? - Yeah, it might.
- Maybe it won't.
- What if it does? - Yeah, we probably shouldn't.
- Yeah, let's get some chips.
- I like chips.
- All right.
Watch it.
Move it.
Thank you.
Watch it.
Whoa, I told you you're not getting in.
No no, check again.
I think we're under the name "Bumrush plus three.
" I don't see a bumru-- Jack, Jack.
Argh! These guys crashed the party.
Kevin, you guys gotta go.
I don't think so.
We just got here.
Come on, Kevin, be cool.
We don't want any trouble, all right? You see, it's rude to punch the host.
This is not good.
We are in so much trouble.
We just gotta clean this up, okay? But what do we do about that? Rudy's priceless katana is gone.
He is gonna kill us.
At least he won't be doing it with the sword.
And that's not even the worst part.
We forgot to water the plant.
Don't die, little plant.
You've got to hang on.
I found one.
It's the same exact sword that Rudy had.
It's at the Bronze Nugget Pawnshop.
Yes! All right, Kim, Milton, let's go.
Oh, that's gross.
Who would deliberately stick a piece of pizza up there? Well, probably a guy who was gonna eat it, Then saw Donna Tobin come in and wanted to talk to her without having pepperoni breath.
I'm just guessing.
I wonder how many kebabs I could kebabi with this big kebab stick.
It's not a kebab stick, you Rube.
It's called a pool bat.
I'd like to settle up now Carlotta.
Call me Carlotta.
Okay then, Car-r-r-r-lotta.
So what are you gonna do now? Just climb on your hog and ride away? My friends and I are living life The way a real man should live.
Rudy! I can't get the ball wrangler off my face.
Excuse me, Car-r-r-lotta.
Who was that you were talking to? None of your business, Dwayne.
But when he says my name, It feels like Christmas.
Easy easy.
Get some butter.
Get some butter.
This, boys and girls, is the real deal, Completely unique.
There's only one that exists in the whole world.
Actually our sensei has one just like it.
There's only two that exist in the entire world.
We've got to get it for Rudy.
How much do you want for it? $500.
What? We don't have that kind of money.
Well, you have to bring in something of equal value to trade for it.
Hey, maybe your friend would like this priceless Ben Franklin toenail.
That's a corn chip.
Oh no.
I ate a national treasure! This place looks great, man.
Yeah, the last thing to do is move my speaker.
Oh yeah, for sure.
- All right, ready? - Yeah.
- One, two, three.
- Go.
- Uh, Eddie.
- Hmm? Was this big purple stain always here? No.
It's grape juice.
All right, let's just wipe it off.
No no no, you can't just wipe off a stain like that.
Once it soaks in, you gotta get it from the inside.
But how are we gonna clean it from the inside? How's it looking? Keep going.
I think it's working.
Yes! I knew I could get it out.
Whoo! Oh no.
Wait, what's the matter? Why'd you stop? Dude, when I dropped between the walls, I wasn't thinking about getting out.
Dude, I'm stuck.
I'm freaking out, man.
I can't breathe.
Well, the stain's gone.
Well, I've totaled up all the stuff you've brought, And I think you'll be happy to hear I can give you $94.
- What? - Are you insane? Guys, guys, guys, guys.
Calm down, okay? It's okay.
I got this.
I was hoping not to have to do this, But what do you say if I was willing to throw in this antique charm bracelet? I'd say I'll give you another three bucks.
That's it! - Okay.
- Whoa.
$97 for all your junk.
Take it or leave it.
Can I see that old French horn? Sure.
Will you trade this for all our stuff? I can do that.
Milton, what are you doing? Trust me.
You know a little something about the French horn, don't you? This horn was made by the greatest French horn maker and composer ever.
See that little L.
S.
under the spit valve? That stands for Lorenzo Sanzoni.
I thought that stood for "loud sound.
" How much is that thing worth? I think you mean, "how much is this thing worth, boss?" 'cause we just bought ourselves a pawnshop.
- Oh yeah.
- Now hand me that sword.
And organize the shelves.
And take out this toy cannon.
And patch up that hole.
Yeah, you heard him.
Move it.
I'm a little worried about all of the peanut shells on the floor.
No one's gonna slip on the peanut shells, Phil.
No no, I'm not worried about slipping.
I'm worried about attracting elephants.
Well well, looks like we got ourselves a couple posers.
Posers? You calling us posers? I sure am.
Your hogs are rented.
Your boots aren't broken in.
And your face isn't all windburned from ridin'.
For your information, I use a really good Aloe-based skin moisturizer.
We don't want any trouble.
We're just trying to play a nice game of pool.
Nobody needs to get hurt.
I'm sorry.
I got a little under that one.
You broke my pool bat.
Get 'em! Oh mommy! You're doing great.
Thank you, Car-r-r-r-lotta.
Oh, that felt so great.
It looks like this old lion may still have his roar.
Now that is the Bobby Wasabi I used to know.
Hey, talk to me, buddy.
What happened? Did the elephants come for me? You were in a roadhouse brawl.
Are you okay? I'm better than okay.
This is the best day of my life.
I feel so alive.
Best road trip ever.
Come on, little buddy.
Rudy, Rudy, I found one of your teeth underneath the pinball machine.
Keep it, Car-r-r-r-lotta.
It'll give you something to remember me by.
Oh, I'll keep it under that weird flap of skin On the back of my neck.
Okay, that I didn't need to know.
You did it.
This place looks great.
- We got the sword.
- Yes! Wait, guys, there's something I need to tell you.
It's Rudy.
He's back.
We've got to get the sword up there.
Give it to me.
See you guys next time.
Hey, Rudy.
How was your trip? It was amazing.
How's everything here? Everything here is great.
Well, the place looks great.
The plant's been watered.
That was me-- all me.
Wait, something's different.
My katana.
Nah, it's fine.
How come I get so crazy about that thing? It's just a knock-off I paid Knock-off? Flea market? Do you have any idea-- How glad we are to have you back, Rudy? We missed you.
Why don't we all go over to Falafel Phil's? And you can tell us all about your trip.
Come on, we'll buy.
Go ahead.
I'm just gonna put my stuff in the office.
I'll be right there.
Do you realize we just went though all of that for nothing? It wasn't for nothing.
We threw an awesome party that Rudy will never know about.
And you weren't even out of the parking lot Before I started texting people about the party.
Of course we didn't know we were gonna trash the place and steal your sword.
And when I say trashed, I mean tornado-style, Rudy.
And you wouldn't believe what happened to me.
You got stuck in the wall.
Yes.
How did you know? Wait.
Wait, Rudy, Rudy.
Rudy, seriously, I'm freaking out.
Wow, my birthday falls on a Friday this year.
Peanut shells on the floor will make this place fun like roadhouse.
Not now, Rudy.
I'm busy.
Rudy, I said I'm busy.
Funny, Rudy, Your hand feels a lot like Elephant!
Thanks, man.
You know what I say about bo staffs? Bo-ring.
Swords is where it's at, bro.
Oh, so you know how to use a sword? I've been practicing with the attachments on my mom's vacuum cleaner.
In one move I can whack the ceiling fan down And suck the curtains off the wall.
Well, that katana sword that Rudy loves so much is right there.
Yeah, give it a shot, Jerry.
Uh Yeah yeah, I'll-- I'll give it a shot.
You know, I'm not sure the thing's as balanced as well as my mom's vacuum cleaner.
And there's no brush on the end of it, But I'll give it a shot.
Hey, Jerry.
Whatcha doing? Uh, just airing out the pits.
Well, let me be clear: No one touches my katana.
Bobby, what's wrong? Rudy, I didn't get the part in that movie.
I'm sure the part was just wrong for you.
It was to play Bobby in "The Bobby Wasabi Story.
" Well, maybe there's another part for you.
- I'm Bobby.
- Oh.
Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Kickin' It S01E16 Dude, Where's My Sword It's over.
My movie career is over.
I have nothing left, Except my eight houses, 40 dojos And a toilet carved out of a giant ruby.
You think my life is perfect? My girlfriend broke up with me three months ago.
She said I didn't pay enough attention to her.
I miss Jenny.
Her name was Carol.
Whatever her name was, I miss her.
It's okay, Rudy.
Let's get our cry on.
Rudy, I need you and your mustache bear man to stop crying.
I'm trying to have a happy hour.
What's wrong with you? I haven't had a day off in 17 years.
Everything is work work work.
We have to take our lives back, Go some place where men can be men.
- The sauna.
- I'm in.
I'm talking about really taking our lives back, You know, going out on the open road.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get on some hogs and ride.
That's brilliant-- a pig rodeo.
I'm talking about motorcycles.
Pigs on motorcycles? It's getting wild up in here.
Yep, kids, every once in a while You have to put on the leather pants And hit the open road with the boys.
Now all I need is for one of you guys to come in on Saturday and water the plants.
Sure.
I'll do it.
All right, let me get the keys from the office.
They're in my pocket.
Hey hey, our gas-powered pigs are ready to ride us.
I'm gonna feel so alive out there on the open road-- Men being men.
I should put my hair back.
Kim, can you spot me a scrunchie? Okay, guys, I've got the keys.
Let's go.
We'll see you guys in a few days.
See ya.
That is the worst biker gang ever.
Guys, we've got these keys and Rudy's gone for the weekend.
Do you know what that means? Yes, we need to come up with a chart With everyone's plant watering responsibilities.
No, Eddie, it means We can throw that party we've always wanted to have.
With girls and music and girls And food and girls.
Do you know who we should invite? - Brad Wolf.
- Kathy Davis.
Brad's a good guy.
Yeah, Kathy's nice.
Now let's get back to the party.
Rudy will flip if he finds out, So we have to keep things small and under control.
This party is both huge and out of control.
This is the greatest.
Hey, Phil, you should probably Put the wind visor on your helmet down.
What is a wind visor? This trip was long overdue, Rudy.
Feels like the old Bobby's back in the game.
He's okay.
Luckily that barn stopped him.
All right, party people.
I'm D.
J.
Eddie D.
And this one goes out to Kim Crawford.
Oh yeah.
This is my jam.
Where's Brad? Um, I don't know.
I just started dancing, turned around and he was gone.
Huh? That's weird.
So where's Kathy? She's, you know-- we're having a great time, Hanging out, tearing it up.
- She didn't show, did she? - No.
Great party.
I've had so much grape juice, I bet my uvula's purple.
Check it out.
Dude, who let you in here? Kevin, I get it.
You're the captain of the football team.
You get into all the parties, But I don't give a fiddler's fart about that.
You're looking at your worst nightmare-- A nerd with a clipboard.
Hey, come on, man.
Can I just get--? Uh, don't beg, Kevin.
It's just sad.
Why are we stopping here? That billboard said two miles up is a restaurant that serves a 'splodin' onion.
That did look good.
And I'll say it, I would love to have an onion 'splode on my face.
Can I take your order? How would you describe your trout? It's a fish.
- I recognize you.
- You do? I mean of course you do.
I am Bobby Wasabi, legendary film star.
Not you.
Him.
You're Rudy.
I've seen all your karate commercials.
Your moves are amazing.
Yeah, I guess I do have a few moves.
Can we get back to my trout, please? So I see your girl Kathy finally showed up.
Yeah, she's over there dancing with your boy Brad.
What? So since they're-- do you think we should--? - We could, but do you think it would--? - Yeah, it might.
- Maybe it won't.
- What if it does? - Yeah, we probably shouldn't.
- Yeah, let's get some chips.
- I like chips.
- All right.
Watch it.
Move it.
Thank you.
Watch it.
Whoa, I told you you're not getting in.
No no, check again.
I think we're under the name "Bumrush plus three.
" I don't see a bumru-- Jack, Jack.
Argh! These guys crashed the party.
Kevin, you guys gotta go.
I don't think so.
We just got here.
Come on, Kevin, be cool.
We don't want any trouble, all right? You see, it's rude to punch the host.
This is not good.
We are in so much trouble.
We just gotta clean this up, okay? But what do we do about that? Rudy's priceless katana is gone.
He is gonna kill us.
At least he won't be doing it with the sword.
And that's not even the worst part.
We forgot to water the plant.
Don't die, little plant.
You've got to hang on.
I found one.
It's the same exact sword that Rudy had.
It's at the Bronze Nugget Pawnshop.
Yes! All right, Kim, Milton, let's go.
Oh, that's gross.
Who would deliberately stick a piece of pizza up there? Well, probably a guy who was gonna eat it, Then saw Donna Tobin come in and wanted to talk to her without having pepperoni breath.
I'm just guessing.
I wonder how many kebabs I could kebabi with this big kebab stick.
It's not a kebab stick, you Rube.
It's called a pool bat.
I'd like to settle up now Carlotta.
Call me Carlotta.
Okay then, Car-r-r-r-lotta.
So what are you gonna do now? Just climb on your hog and ride away? My friends and I are living life The way a real man should live.
Rudy! I can't get the ball wrangler off my face.
Excuse me, Car-r-r-lotta.
Who was that you were talking to? None of your business, Dwayne.
But when he says my name, It feels like Christmas.
Easy easy.
Get some butter.
Get some butter.
This, boys and girls, is the real deal, Completely unique.
There's only one that exists in the whole world.
Actually our sensei has one just like it.
There's only two that exist in the entire world.
We've got to get it for Rudy.
How much do you want for it? $500.
What? We don't have that kind of money.
Well, you have to bring in something of equal value to trade for it.
Hey, maybe your friend would like this priceless Ben Franklin toenail.
That's a corn chip.
Oh no.
I ate a national treasure! This place looks great, man.
Yeah, the last thing to do is move my speaker.
Oh yeah, for sure.
- All right, ready? - Yeah.
- One, two, three.
- Go.
- Uh, Eddie.
- Hmm? Was this big purple stain always here? No.
It's grape juice.
All right, let's just wipe it off.
No no no, you can't just wipe off a stain like that.
Once it soaks in, you gotta get it from the inside.
But how are we gonna clean it from the inside? How's it looking? Keep going.
I think it's working.
Yes! I knew I could get it out.
Whoo! Oh no.
Wait, what's the matter? Why'd you stop? Dude, when I dropped between the walls, I wasn't thinking about getting out.
Dude, I'm stuck.
I'm freaking out, man.
I can't breathe.
Well, the stain's gone.
Well, I've totaled up all the stuff you've brought, And I think you'll be happy to hear I can give you $94.
- What? - Are you insane? Guys, guys, guys, guys.
Calm down, okay? It's okay.
I got this.
I was hoping not to have to do this, But what do you say if I was willing to throw in this antique charm bracelet? I'd say I'll give you another three bucks.
That's it! - Okay.
- Whoa.
$97 for all your junk.
Take it or leave it.
Can I see that old French horn? Sure.
Will you trade this for all our stuff? I can do that.
Milton, what are you doing? Trust me.
You know a little something about the French horn, don't you? This horn was made by the greatest French horn maker and composer ever.
See that little L.
S.
under the spit valve? That stands for Lorenzo Sanzoni.
I thought that stood for "loud sound.
" How much is that thing worth? I think you mean, "how much is this thing worth, boss?" 'cause we just bought ourselves a pawnshop.
- Oh yeah.
- Now hand me that sword.
And organize the shelves.
And take out this toy cannon.
And patch up that hole.
Yeah, you heard him.
Move it.
I'm a little worried about all of the peanut shells on the floor.
No one's gonna slip on the peanut shells, Phil.
No no, I'm not worried about slipping.
I'm worried about attracting elephants.
Well well, looks like we got ourselves a couple posers.
Posers? You calling us posers? I sure am.
Your hogs are rented.
Your boots aren't broken in.
And your face isn't all windburned from ridin'.
For your information, I use a really good Aloe-based skin moisturizer.
We don't want any trouble.
We're just trying to play a nice game of pool.
Nobody needs to get hurt.
I'm sorry.
I got a little under that one.
You broke my pool bat.
Get 'em! Oh mommy! You're doing great.
Thank you, Car-r-r-r-lotta.
Oh, that felt so great.
It looks like this old lion may still have his roar.
Now that is the Bobby Wasabi I used to know.
Hey, talk to me, buddy.
What happened? Did the elephants come for me? You were in a roadhouse brawl.
Are you okay? I'm better than okay.
This is the best day of my life.
I feel so alive.
Best road trip ever.
Come on, little buddy.
Rudy, Rudy, I found one of your teeth underneath the pinball machine.
Keep it, Car-r-r-r-lotta.
It'll give you something to remember me by.
Oh, I'll keep it under that weird flap of skin On the back of my neck.
Okay, that I didn't need to know.
You did it.
This place looks great.
- We got the sword.
- Yes! Wait, guys, there's something I need to tell you.
It's Rudy.
He's back.
We've got to get the sword up there.
Give it to me.
See you guys next time.
Hey, Rudy.
How was your trip? It was amazing.
How's everything here? Everything here is great.
Well, the place looks great.
The plant's been watered.
That was me-- all me.
Wait, something's different.
My katana.
Nah, it's fine.
How come I get so crazy about that thing? It's just a knock-off I paid Knock-off? Flea market? Do you have any idea-- How glad we are to have you back, Rudy? We missed you.
Why don't we all go over to Falafel Phil's? And you can tell us all about your trip.
Come on, we'll buy.
Go ahead.
I'm just gonna put my stuff in the office.
I'll be right there.
Do you realize we just went though all of that for nothing? It wasn't for nothing.
We threw an awesome party that Rudy will never know about.
And you weren't even out of the parking lot Before I started texting people about the party.
Of course we didn't know we were gonna trash the place and steal your sword.
And when I say trashed, I mean tornado-style, Rudy.
And you wouldn't believe what happened to me.
You got stuck in the wall.
Yes.
How did you know? Wait.
Wait, Rudy, Rudy.
Rudy, seriously, I'm freaking out.
Wow, my birthday falls on a Friday this year.
Peanut shells on the floor will make this place fun like roadhouse.
Not now, Rudy.
I'm busy.
Rudy, I said I'm busy.
Funny, Rudy, Your hand feels a lot like Elephant!