Kickin' It (2011) s02e23 Episode Script
Oh, Christmas Nuts!
Don't do it.
Seriously, you're gonna break your hand.
I can do this.
Dude your Nana makes one tough fruitcake.
How does your family eat that? We don't.
My dad wedged last year's behind the wheel of our camper so it wouldn't roll down the driveway.
Kim, you sure we shouldn't ask Rudy to help us decorate the dojo window for Christmas? Yeah, trust me.
He doesn't really have an eye for it.
Look what I did.
I made this beautiful festive wreath out of our toilet seat.
- See what I mean? - Mm hmm.
Come on.
Get in here.
Tell them what you did, you.
I accidentally used my dad's pressure washer to get rid of the line of people in front of the electronics store.
He blew some nerd right out of his loafers.
Nerds.
So, did you get the Road Demon or not? No.
They didn't have any left.
What exactly is a "Road Demon"? Only the hottest Christmas present this year.
It's a high-tech, remote-controlled, futuristic combat tank.
I'm telling you, I want one so bad, Christmas isn't gonna be Christmas if I don't get a Road Demon.
Dude, if I wake up and there's not one under my tree - It's gonna be on.
- I know, I asked my parents Guys.
Guys, Christmas isn't about getting a remote-controlled Road Demon.
He's right.
It's also about getting a pony! - Ooh! - Yee haw! No, guys.
Guys, guys! Christmas isn't about getting things.
All right, it's about being filled with the spirit.
Yeah, that's right, Rudy.
I mean, me and Eddie got here early to decorate the dojo window.
Because we got the spirit.
I got the holly-jollies, and I got 'em bad.
All right.
The three of you are coming with me.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson about the true spirit of Christmas.
- Ewe! - What?! It's the mistletoe Rudy made last year.
What's wrong with it? He just put ribbon around some hair he found in a shower drain.
If it gets a girl to kiss me, I don't care what it is.
Oh, ladies! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! That's just how we do.
And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate.
Everybody! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! That's just how we do.
And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Santa's Village raises money for needy kids.
And volunteering is a great way for you to get in touch with the Christmas spirit.
Oh.
I'm all for volunteering, Rudy.
How much does it pay? Dude, dude, dude! - Whoa.
- It's a Road Demon.
No way.
Oh.
Excuse me.
That's for needy children.
Oh, that works out.
Because I needy this.
Uh, no, no.
Um, Mr.
Elf, I've got three boys here who would love to volunteer.
Oh, that is really nice.
But we don't need any more help.
Just donate to the charity.
Thank you.
How could you not need any more volunteers? Can I speak to someone in upper management? Perhaps the sugar plum fairy? Now, listen.
I told you guys once - Hold on there, Tinsel.
- Yeah.
We can always find room for some boys who are willing to volunteer.
In your face, tinkle.
Come on, guys.
Mm-hmm.
Take a knee, short stuff.
Police business.
I'd like a word with you, Kringle.
When I was in second grade All I wanted was a Betty Ballerina Doll.
Instead, all you brought me was a set of drill bits.
I was seven! You realize I'm not the real Santa.
I'm I'm just one of his helpers.
I don't care who you are, jolly cheeks.
You're getting me that doll.
Look, we've been over this for an hour.
I don't like your window decorating idea and you don't like mine.
That's because your snowman idea is played out.
Yeah.
It's not like your red-nosed reindeer idea.
That's fresh.
You know what? If you don't appreciate my talents Maybe I'll take them somewhere else.
- Fine! - Buh-bye! Oh, hey, Kim.
I have the Christmas spirit all up inside of me.
Phil, look.
With my help, you'll have the greatest Christmas display in the Mall.
And I have an awesome idea based around This guy.
Oh no! It is the dreaded three-balled Hachmaki Sand Monster! Get away! Oh no! Not again! Not again! Your friend's on gift wrap duty.
You two are working the snowball toss.
You give the kids a snowball, they toss it through the wreath, and then you give them a candy cane.
- What if they miss? - You give them a candy cane.
- Wait, doesn't that mean - Ball, wreath, cane.
Yeah? Great.
Hey, maybe Rudy was right.
You know, I'm glad we're doing this.
Yeah.
Throw a snowball through the wreath, you get a free candy cane.
I don't want a dumb candy cane.
I want a Panini.
Oh.
Hey! - Hey! - Aah! Oh, no, no, no, no, hon.
Mm.
Let me show you.
Remember be bold, and your fold will hold.
I'm gonna go get more paper.
Aah.
What were you doing in there? The sign says Elves only.
I'm an Elf.
You're not.
Technically, you're not so much an Elf as you are a troll.
- You see, in Christmas legend - Give that to me! The paper in the gingerbread house isn't yours.
I can get you more paper.
Why don't you just go back to your station.
Looks like your friend is in a little trouble.
Hi.
Oh, Lois.
What did you do? I told you you weren't ready for the double-sided tape.
Phil, did you get those lights untangled yet? No.
And I think I made it worse.
Phil, come on.
You gotta take this seriously.
We're trying to make my vision come to life.
But I thought we were just going to do a small traditional Hachmaki Change of plans.
We're going big.
What's that smell? Smell? I don't smell anything.
I oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
Yes.
Now I'm getting it.
Yeah, it's me.
I'm cooking.
Oh! I'm cooking! Look at these supplies I got from my Nana.
Pipe cleaners, glitter Glue sticks.
The sky's the limit, baby.
Oh.
Here are my supplies.
Yup.
three voice-activated reindeer, and 30,000 watts of dancing lights controlled by a computerized motherboard.
Boom! I said boom.
Have fun with your pipe cleaners.
I need help.
Hey, guys.
How was volunteering? It's cool knowing that you're helping to make a difference.
Well, I'm proud of you guys.
You're finally getting the spirit of Christmas.
Oh! All right, everybody, the whole Mall is on lock down.
High alert! Code green! Joan What's going on? Somebody stole Christmas is what's going on.
A bag of presents was taken from Santa's Village.
What? On Christmas Eve? Those presents were for needy kids.
Who would do such a I can't believe you guys.
Rudy, I know how this looks, but it wasn't us.
I'll tell you exactly how it looks.
It looks like you're the kids that stole Christmas.
And according to code 1645 If you're caught stealing from this Mall, you're banned.
What? You heard me.
You three are banned from this Mall.
And that includes this dojo.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Come on, Joan.
You don't believe for a second we stole those toys.
Have these delinquents clear their stuff out of the dojo.
And while this hurts me, because, oh I am going to miss you.
If you ever set foot on these premises I will handcuff you to a water pipe and use my nightstick to I think they get it, Joan.
You know what this means.
No more dojo.
I hope it was worth it for some dumb toy.
Rudy, I can't believe you'd say that.
It's not a dumb toy.
It's a lifestyle.
Hey, where's the remote? Hang on, if there's no remote, then how did the Road Demon start up in our locker? Somebody must have used it from outside the dojo right when Joan walked in.
Guy, we were set up.
And I bet I know who it was.
Panini boy! Well, maybe it was Tinsel.
Why him? I don't know, he's been acting really weird.
Like, I went to get some wrapping paper from the gingerbread house.
He grabbed it away from me like it was gold.
Well, that's it.
We gotta get inside that gingerbread house and find out what's so special about that paper.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And I know how we can do it.
We can zip line down from the roof of the Mall, land behind the house, and eat our way through the back walls.
Or we could go in through the door.
Who threw that? I said who threw There's only one authorized Santa Claus in this Mall.
Let me see your badges.
Badges? Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
Snowball fight! I think it's clear.
Not clear.
Three, two, one It's magic time, Bobby.
Ho, ho Ho.
Dashing through the snow.
Giving nods and winks.
Look at Kim's window.
Man, it really stinks.
ha ha ha Ladies and gentlemen! Kim Crawford entertainment is proud to present "Walking in a window wonderland".
Free gingerbread cookies for everyone! That's it.
Time to take it to the next level.
Ho, ho Ho! Ho, ho, ho.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ho, ho, ho.
Is that all you've got? Oh ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho Whoa! Aah! - Oh, look what you did.
- Oh, what I did? Oh.
Look.
A big cookie.
I want you in my tummy.
What? Ow! Ow! Stop eating me, Santa.
And the Kung Pao chicken will do it.
Oh, uh, one more thing, is Fong working tonight? No reason.
Oh.
- Joan! - Oh! Oh no, you're back.
Oh no, take it easy.
I don't want any trouble.
There's a turkey sandwich in my purse.
Just take it.
Just take it! Joan, Joan.
We're not here to rob you.
- Oh.
- Yo, check this out.
There's rolls and rolls of this in the gingerbread house.
- It's just wrapping paper.
- Oh, no it's not.
It's got fake money printed on it.
Oh.
I had a roll of toilet paper like this once.
Dad came over for chili night and blew through 100 grand.
We think Tinsel's been removing the real money from the holiday donation tower and replacing it with this counterfeit money.
Wait a minute.
You think he'd have the guts to do that right under my nose? Lots of things have happened under your nose.
You lost the ATM machine to The Easter Bunny.
The Thanksgiving day turkey took your scooter, - and those leprechauns made off with - Okay, can we just go? The people in this town are so dumb.
They're not gonna find out until tomorrow that no Christmas is coming.
Uh sorry, folks, Santa's Village is closed.
Evil Elves I get.
But come on, dude.
You're Santa Claus.
Get him! Oh! Officer down.
Aah! You're exactly what this tree needs.
More tinsel.
Ho, ho, ho.
Bobby! - Bobby! - Yeah.
All right, take them away, fellas.
Ooh.
I never doubted you boys for one minute.
You deserve all the credit.
Did Joan do it? No, no.
Joan didn't see any of it coming.
Not only did you save Christmas, you probably saved my job.
Joan, Joan.
It's okay.
Do you want to come with us and get some hot chocolate? Oh, no, no, no.
You guys go ahead.
I gotta write this up in a report.
- Okay.
Come on.
- Woo.
Okay.
Santa, Elves, naughty.
Officer Joan Saves Christmas.
Hey, why's it dark? In the spirit of competition, we accidentally blew the circuit panel out on this side of the Mall.
No biggie.
I feel bad.
A lot of people came to the Mall to see the window displays, and we ruined it for 'em.
Phil? Uh, what's all this? Oh, Rudy.
In Hachmakistan, we express our joy for the holiday season with the simple things that remind us of all that we are blessed with in our lives.
It's beautiful.
See.
It's what I was trying to show you guys.
This is what the spirit of Christmas is all about.
You know what, Rudy? You're right.
It's not just about getting presents.
It's about this.
Yeah.
Eddie, how about next year we do a window together? Yeah, I'd like that.
How about we just go with a small, simple Christmas Tree? Or Something else.
Okay, everybody.
And now we are going to sing traditional Hachmaki Christmas song.
"Deck the halls".
- Oh, we love that song.
- Yeah.
Deck the halls with slimy eels.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Ride the yak until it squeals.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Camels snorting, sand crabs scratching.
Fa la la la la la.
Fa la la.
Come on.
You know the words.
Uh, no.
We really don't.
Bobby, I just wanted to let you know, you were pretty impressive out there.
Yeah.
Out where? Well, the fight in Santa's Village.
Yo, you kicked some butt, Bobby.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I spent the last half hour, trying to unwedge myself from the toilet bowl in the dojo.
Did you know there's no seat on your potty? Wait, if you didn't help us during the fight, then who did? - Nah.
- No way.
Couldn't be.
It was! I got my Betty Ballerina! I got my doll! Do you see? I got my doll! I got my doll! Kickin' it with you! We wish you a Merry Christmas.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
And a happy new year.
From our kickin' it family to yours, we wish you a great holiday season.
Snowball fight! It's not as cool as kickin' it with you!
Seriously, you're gonna break your hand.
I can do this.
Dude your Nana makes one tough fruitcake.
How does your family eat that? We don't.
My dad wedged last year's behind the wheel of our camper so it wouldn't roll down the driveway.
Kim, you sure we shouldn't ask Rudy to help us decorate the dojo window for Christmas? Yeah, trust me.
He doesn't really have an eye for it.
Look what I did.
I made this beautiful festive wreath out of our toilet seat.
- See what I mean? - Mm hmm.
Come on.
Get in here.
Tell them what you did, you.
I accidentally used my dad's pressure washer to get rid of the line of people in front of the electronics store.
He blew some nerd right out of his loafers.
Nerds.
So, did you get the Road Demon or not? No.
They didn't have any left.
What exactly is a "Road Demon"? Only the hottest Christmas present this year.
It's a high-tech, remote-controlled, futuristic combat tank.
I'm telling you, I want one so bad, Christmas isn't gonna be Christmas if I don't get a Road Demon.
Dude, if I wake up and there's not one under my tree - It's gonna be on.
- I know, I asked my parents Guys.
Guys, Christmas isn't about getting a remote-controlled Road Demon.
He's right.
It's also about getting a pony! - Ooh! - Yee haw! No, guys.
Guys, guys! Christmas isn't about getting things.
All right, it's about being filled with the spirit.
Yeah, that's right, Rudy.
I mean, me and Eddie got here early to decorate the dojo window.
Because we got the spirit.
I got the holly-jollies, and I got 'em bad.
All right.
The three of you are coming with me.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson about the true spirit of Christmas.
- Ewe! - What?! It's the mistletoe Rudy made last year.
What's wrong with it? He just put ribbon around some hair he found in a shower drain.
If it gets a girl to kiss me, I don't care what it is.
Oh, ladies! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! That's just how we do.
And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate.
Everybody! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! That's just how we do.
And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Santa's Village raises money for needy kids.
And volunteering is a great way for you to get in touch with the Christmas spirit.
Oh.
I'm all for volunteering, Rudy.
How much does it pay? Dude, dude, dude! - Whoa.
- It's a Road Demon.
No way.
Oh.
Excuse me.
That's for needy children.
Oh, that works out.
Because I needy this.
Uh, no, no.
Um, Mr.
Elf, I've got three boys here who would love to volunteer.
Oh, that is really nice.
But we don't need any more help.
Just donate to the charity.
Thank you.
How could you not need any more volunteers? Can I speak to someone in upper management? Perhaps the sugar plum fairy? Now, listen.
I told you guys once - Hold on there, Tinsel.
- Yeah.
We can always find room for some boys who are willing to volunteer.
In your face, tinkle.
Come on, guys.
Mm-hmm.
Take a knee, short stuff.
Police business.
I'd like a word with you, Kringle.
When I was in second grade All I wanted was a Betty Ballerina Doll.
Instead, all you brought me was a set of drill bits.
I was seven! You realize I'm not the real Santa.
I'm I'm just one of his helpers.
I don't care who you are, jolly cheeks.
You're getting me that doll.
Look, we've been over this for an hour.
I don't like your window decorating idea and you don't like mine.
That's because your snowman idea is played out.
Yeah.
It's not like your red-nosed reindeer idea.
That's fresh.
You know what? If you don't appreciate my talents Maybe I'll take them somewhere else.
- Fine! - Buh-bye! Oh, hey, Kim.
I have the Christmas spirit all up inside of me.
Phil, look.
With my help, you'll have the greatest Christmas display in the Mall.
And I have an awesome idea based around This guy.
Oh no! It is the dreaded three-balled Hachmaki Sand Monster! Get away! Oh no! Not again! Not again! Your friend's on gift wrap duty.
You two are working the snowball toss.
You give the kids a snowball, they toss it through the wreath, and then you give them a candy cane.
- What if they miss? - You give them a candy cane.
- Wait, doesn't that mean - Ball, wreath, cane.
Yeah? Great.
Hey, maybe Rudy was right.
You know, I'm glad we're doing this.
Yeah.
Throw a snowball through the wreath, you get a free candy cane.
I don't want a dumb candy cane.
I want a Panini.
Oh.
Hey! - Hey! - Aah! Oh, no, no, no, no, hon.
Mm.
Let me show you.
Remember be bold, and your fold will hold.
I'm gonna go get more paper.
Aah.
What were you doing in there? The sign says Elves only.
I'm an Elf.
You're not.
Technically, you're not so much an Elf as you are a troll.
- You see, in Christmas legend - Give that to me! The paper in the gingerbread house isn't yours.
I can get you more paper.
Why don't you just go back to your station.
Looks like your friend is in a little trouble.
Hi.
Oh, Lois.
What did you do? I told you you weren't ready for the double-sided tape.
Phil, did you get those lights untangled yet? No.
And I think I made it worse.
Phil, come on.
You gotta take this seriously.
We're trying to make my vision come to life.
But I thought we were just going to do a small traditional Hachmaki Change of plans.
We're going big.
What's that smell? Smell? I don't smell anything.
I oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
Yes.
Now I'm getting it.
Yeah, it's me.
I'm cooking.
Oh! I'm cooking! Look at these supplies I got from my Nana.
Pipe cleaners, glitter Glue sticks.
The sky's the limit, baby.
Oh.
Here are my supplies.
Yup.
three voice-activated reindeer, and 30,000 watts of dancing lights controlled by a computerized motherboard.
Boom! I said boom.
Have fun with your pipe cleaners.
I need help.
Hey, guys.
How was volunteering? It's cool knowing that you're helping to make a difference.
Well, I'm proud of you guys.
You're finally getting the spirit of Christmas.
Oh! All right, everybody, the whole Mall is on lock down.
High alert! Code green! Joan What's going on? Somebody stole Christmas is what's going on.
A bag of presents was taken from Santa's Village.
What? On Christmas Eve? Those presents were for needy kids.
Who would do such a I can't believe you guys.
Rudy, I know how this looks, but it wasn't us.
I'll tell you exactly how it looks.
It looks like you're the kids that stole Christmas.
And according to code 1645 If you're caught stealing from this Mall, you're banned.
What? You heard me.
You three are banned from this Mall.
And that includes this dojo.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Come on, Joan.
You don't believe for a second we stole those toys.
Have these delinquents clear their stuff out of the dojo.
And while this hurts me, because, oh I am going to miss you.
If you ever set foot on these premises I will handcuff you to a water pipe and use my nightstick to I think they get it, Joan.
You know what this means.
No more dojo.
I hope it was worth it for some dumb toy.
Rudy, I can't believe you'd say that.
It's not a dumb toy.
It's a lifestyle.
Hey, where's the remote? Hang on, if there's no remote, then how did the Road Demon start up in our locker? Somebody must have used it from outside the dojo right when Joan walked in.
Guy, we were set up.
And I bet I know who it was.
Panini boy! Well, maybe it was Tinsel.
Why him? I don't know, he's been acting really weird.
Like, I went to get some wrapping paper from the gingerbread house.
He grabbed it away from me like it was gold.
Well, that's it.
We gotta get inside that gingerbread house and find out what's so special about that paper.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And I know how we can do it.
We can zip line down from the roof of the Mall, land behind the house, and eat our way through the back walls.
Or we could go in through the door.
Who threw that? I said who threw There's only one authorized Santa Claus in this Mall.
Let me see your badges.
Badges? Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
Snowball fight! I think it's clear.
Not clear.
Three, two, one It's magic time, Bobby.
Ho, ho Ho.
Dashing through the snow.
Giving nods and winks.
Look at Kim's window.
Man, it really stinks.
ha ha ha Ladies and gentlemen! Kim Crawford entertainment is proud to present "Walking in a window wonderland".
Free gingerbread cookies for everyone! That's it.
Time to take it to the next level.
Ho, ho Ho! Ho, ho, ho.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ho, ho, ho.
Is that all you've got? Oh ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho Whoa! Aah! - Oh, look what you did.
- Oh, what I did? Oh.
Look.
A big cookie.
I want you in my tummy.
What? Ow! Ow! Stop eating me, Santa.
And the Kung Pao chicken will do it.
Oh, uh, one more thing, is Fong working tonight? No reason.
Oh.
- Joan! - Oh! Oh no, you're back.
Oh no, take it easy.
I don't want any trouble.
There's a turkey sandwich in my purse.
Just take it.
Just take it! Joan, Joan.
We're not here to rob you.
- Oh.
- Yo, check this out.
There's rolls and rolls of this in the gingerbread house.
- It's just wrapping paper.
- Oh, no it's not.
It's got fake money printed on it.
Oh.
I had a roll of toilet paper like this once.
Dad came over for chili night and blew through 100 grand.
We think Tinsel's been removing the real money from the holiday donation tower and replacing it with this counterfeit money.
Wait a minute.
You think he'd have the guts to do that right under my nose? Lots of things have happened under your nose.
You lost the ATM machine to The Easter Bunny.
The Thanksgiving day turkey took your scooter, - and those leprechauns made off with - Okay, can we just go? The people in this town are so dumb.
They're not gonna find out until tomorrow that no Christmas is coming.
Uh sorry, folks, Santa's Village is closed.
Evil Elves I get.
But come on, dude.
You're Santa Claus.
Get him! Oh! Officer down.
Aah! You're exactly what this tree needs.
More tinsel.
Ho, ho, ho.
Bobby! - Bobby! - Yeah.
All right, take them away, fellas.
Ooh.
I never doubted you boys for one minute.
You deserve all the credit.
Did Joan do it? No, no.
Joan didn't see any of it coming.
Not only did you save Christmas, you probably saved my job.
Joan, Joan.
It's okay.
Do you want to come with us and get some hot chocolate? Oh, no, no, no.
You guys go ahead.
I gotta write this up in a report.
- Okay.
Come on.
- Woo.
Okay.
Santa, Elves, naughty.
Officer Joan Saves Christmas.
Hey, why's it dark? In the spirit of competition, we accidentally blew the circuit panel out on this side of the Mall.
No biggie.
I feel bad.
A lot of people came to the Mall to see the window displays, and we ruined it for 'em.
Phil? Uh, what's all this? Oh, Rudy.
In Hachmakistan, we express our joy for the holiday season with the simple things that remind us of all that we are blessed with in our lives.
It's beautiful.
See.
It's what I was trying to show you guys.
This is what the spirit of Christmas is all about.
You know what, Rudy? You're right.
It's not just about getting presents.
It's about this.
Yeah.
Eddie, how about next year we do a window together? Yeah, I'd like that.
How about we just go with a small, simple Christmas Tree? Or Something else.
Okay, everybody.
And now we are going to sing traditional Hachmaki Christmas song.
"Deck the halls".
- Oh, we love that song.
- Yeah.
Deck the halls with slimy eels.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Ride the yak until it squeals.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Camels snorting, sand crabs scratching.
Fa la la la la la.
Fa la la.
Come on.
You know the words.
Uh, no.
We really don't.
Bobby, I just wanted to let you know, you were pretty impressive out there.
Yeah.
Out where? Well, the fight in Santa's Village.
Yo, you kicked some butt, Bobby.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I spent the last half hour, trying to unwedge myself from the toilet bowl in the dojo.
Did you know there's no seat on your potty? Wait, if you didn't help us during the fight, then who did? - Nah.
- No way.
Couldn't be.
It was! I got my Betty Ballerina! I got my doll! Do you see? I got my doll! I got my doll! Kickin' it with you! We wish you a Merry Christmas.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
And a happy new year.
From our kickin' it family to yours, we wish you a great holiday season.
Snowball fight! It's not as cool as kickin' it with you!