Kiff (2021) s01e25 Episode Script

1
[opening theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer] Brought to you
by Saddles Food Ranch.
For the casual cowboy.
Ah, Saddles.
[slow country music
playing over speakers]
[camera shutter clicks]
[triangle rings]
Why, if it isn’t
the Chatterley clan.
Why, you folks
look more turned around
than a one-legged man
in a butt-kicking contest.
- [all laugh]
- Let’s get you to your table.
[Beryl] Ooh.
Oh, no need for a menu.
I’ll take the usual.
[both] A Big Buckle Burger
as big as my head,
which is saying something because
- my head is big.
- your head is enormous.
[sighs]
You get me, Ma and Pa Saddles.
And finished.
Right in time for the vittles.
Oh, Barry just sent me an email.
I bet it’s great news.
"Bad news. Running over now."
Huh?
"Meet the latest
Internet sensation."
Hungee Squirrel?
[gasps] I’ve been memed?
Why didn’t anyone tell me
I looked like that when I eat?
How could you humiliate me
like this, Internet?
I gave you the best years
of my life!
Have you been wronged?
Yes. Thank you, Internet.
I never should have doubted you.
I’m Lance Contract,
trusted local lawyer,
and I will fight for you!
Yes, you will.
Kiff!
[gasps] Hungee Squirrel!
What are we gonna do?
Way ahead of you. Let’s go, Bar.
Are you the lawyer
from the convenient pop-up ad?
Lance Contract,
guilty as charged.
Let me guess,
you two are besties
and want to sue
your parents so you can
legally become
brother and sister.
Seen it all before.
Just sign here.
No-- Wait, is that possible?
Huh, game changer.
Put a pin in that.
I’ve been wronged.
Someone is using my image
in humiliating ways.
Fantastic.
I have just the contract for that.
Sign here.
Parents’ credit card number here,
signature of the guilty party there.
Then we’re sorted.
Okay. That might be hard,
because the guilty party
is the Internet.
[laughs] No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?
Can’t help you. The Internet
can’t sign a contract.
And it never forgets.
And it always wins.
Your ad said you’d fight for me.
It’s called false advertising,
jelly bean.
It’s basically lying,
but on a professional level.
- That’s so wrong.
- Well, hire a lawyer and sue me.
Maybe enough time has passed
that we can look back on this
and laugh?
Worth a try.
[unenthusiastic laughing]
[unenthusiastic laughing continues]
- Aww
- Hey, Hungee Squirrel,
you trying to eat your friend?
- [laughs]
- [honks horn]
[tires screech]
[Kiff gasps]
We don’t need a lawyer.
We need an expert
who understands meme culture.
Oh!
Oh, great and wise memeorologist,
we humbly
- [Barry] Terri?
- Hey, cheese fries.
You’re a memeorologist?
Based on my perfectly crafted algorithm,
I’m an expert on all things meme.
Can you show me how long
Hungee Squirrel will last?
Wait, you’re Hungee Squirrel?
Kiff, OMG!
I didn’t recognize you
without your mouth wide open.
Let’s see here.
Ooh.
- Yes.
- What?
- Yup.
- What is it?
This could definitely
fit in your mouth.
[laughs] Okay, but for real.
This meme is a category five.
Real turbulent. No chance
it’ll blow over anytime soon.
[gulps]
Congrats. You’re famous, girlie.
But I don’t want to be famous.
Not for this.
Open wide!
[air horn blows]
[voice]
Hey, is that Hungee Squirrel?
[excited chatter]
- [camera shutters clicking]
- Barry!
Don’t worry, Kiff!
I’ll protect you!
[man 1]
Remove the non-famous one!
[screams]
- Barry!
- Please let me take a photo!
- Sign my canoe.
- Eat my baby!
- [sighs]
- [woman] Can I get a picture?
[man 2] Hungee Squirrel,
look at my back tat!
Full back tat!
[camera shutters click]
- [sighs]
- [man 3] Oh, my gosh,
- is that Hungee Squirrel?
- [woman] I think she went this way!
[all laughing]
Ah! Friends.
- [laughter continuous]
- What you watching there?
[light melody playing
over computer]
Hungee Squirrel
Hungee Squirrel ♪
I’m a hungee, hungee, hungee
Hungee squirrel ♪
Whoa there
That’s quite an appetite ♪
Do you bite, bite, bite
from morning to night? ♪
Your mouth is huge
when you open wide ♪
If you go to a wedding,
do you eat the bride? ♪
Eat a bus for breakfast
and a train for brunch ♪
Then the whole airport
and a plane for lunch ♪
When you open your mouth,
it means big trouble ♪
You ain’t no turkey
but you sure like to gobble ♪
Please, Hungee Squirrel ♪
Don’t eat me ♪
I have hopes and dreams ♪
And a family ♪
Hungee Squirrel
Hungee Squirrel ♪
I’m a hungee, hungee, hungee
Hungee Squirrel ♪
Hungee Squirrel
Hungee Squirrel ♪
I’m a hungee, hungee, hungee
Hungee Squirrel ♪
I’m so hungee ♪
Hungee Squirrel ♪
I’m a hungee, hungee, hungee
Hungee Squirrel ♪
[all laughing]
New profile pic.
- Ugh!
- [camera shutters click]
Hungee, hungee, hungee
Hungee Squirrel ♪
I don’t understand
the youth of today.
Huh? "Move over,
Hungee Squirrel,
there’s a new meme in town,
and his name is
’Just Woke Up Kid.’"
[laughs] Yes!
Trevor is the new
hot meme in town.
Ha! Story over. The end.
[breathlessly]
Kiff, I have an idea!
Ah, no need, old chum.
Hungee Squirrel has blown over.
It’s a thing of the past.
Oh. Cool.
[both laughing]
[TV announcer] Howdy, y’all.
Hey, it’s Ma and Pa Saddles.
Who here feels like
Saddles tonight?
- [all] We do!
- Well, change your plans,
because it’s time
to say goodbye, Saddles.
- [all] What?
- And hello
to our new restaurant,
The Hungee Squirrel.
Join us tonight
for our grand opening.
We’ve got freebies.
Celebrities.
[both] And branded tees.
Right here, at the home
of the Hungee Squirrel.
With portions big enough
to fill Hungee Squirrel’s mouth,
- come on down and
- [both] Open wide!
[announcer] Still located
at the same place as Saddles,
it’s just a different
restaurant now.
[beeping]
Uh, yup. Uh, nope.
Oh, let’s see here.
Kiff, what’s wrong?
You look more startled
than a porcupine
in a balloon factory.
What are you doing?
Capitalizing on the moment,
sweet pea.
But you can’t do this to me!
[Ma] Well, your signed contract
says otherwise.
I never signed any--
We now own your likeness.
[gasps] I was tricked.
This can’t be legit.
Mmm. It’s legit.
And very sneaky.
Couldn’t have done it better myself.
Mmm, mmm.
Thank you all for you time.
What are we doing?
- We giving up?
- No way.
If I can be tricked,
so can they.
But how?
I have a plan, Barry.
This squirrel is hungee
for justice.
[loud upbeat music blaring,
crowd cheering]
[camera shutters click]
She’s not thirsty.
She’s not sleepy.
She’s
[crowd] Hungee!
Hey, Hungee Squirrel!
Hey, over here, Hungee Squirrel!
Ma and Pa Saddles,
I’m gonna give you one chance
to be good people
and sign this contract
giving me back the rights
to my own face.
We ain’t good people.
Our accents fail to convey
- our sinister intentions.
- Monsters!
You lot can buy some
Hungee Squirrel merch or get out.
Come on, Pa,
let’s go count our money.
Whoa, wait, let’s get a photo
of you two
signing your names in cement.
Oh, of course.
[crowd cheering]
[camera shutters click]
[crying]
[laughs]
Fools! Do you realize
what you’ve done?
You been tricked. Foiled.
Bamboozled! Thwarted!
What?
Move the building, party people.
- [truck beeping]
- [loud rumble]
[panicked chatter]
You just signed the contract
giving me back my rights.
You can’t use
Hungee Squirrel anymore.
This can’t be legit!
[Lance, chomping] Mm-hmm.
It’s legit.
[Ma and Pa] No!
Oh! Why, this is
more upsetting than a--
Enough! How’d you pull off
this stunt?
With a little help from my fans.
[applause]
[crowd] Hungee Squirrel!
Hungee Squirrel!
- Hungee Squirrel!
- And because of them,
Hungee Squirrel is no more.
- Oh, well
- C’est la vie.
Nothing gold can stay.
Ah, thanks so much, everyone.
That was impressive, Kiff.
[Ma sobbing]
And to think,
we was gonna let the Chatterleys
eat for free for life.
[gasps]
[country music playing]
[sighs] Saddles.
What a place.
Happy endings for everyone.
We could have been
eating here for free.
I’m a kid.
All my meals are free.
- [all laugh]
- If the Just Woke Up Kid
is gonna be the face
of this joint,
we need to make some changes.
What do you want
when you’ve just woken up?
Food.
It’s a breakfast joint now.
Also, are we married
to the name "Saddles"?
[groans]
[Miss Deer Teacher]
Brought to you by Bramtangle
Acoustic Guitars, strum ’em.
[birds cawing]
The Foreverangees National Park.
Takes your breath away.
It would if I didn’t go
to the gym twice a week.
Wait, so how are we getting
from here to there?
All I see is river,
and my boy Barry can’t swim.
Yet. Your boy Barry
can’t swim yet.
We camp here tonight.
Don’t you worry, Barry.
You’re in good hands.
Whose hands?
Mine.
And the horrifying
sound repeated.
Whoo-clickety. Whoo-clickety.
Whoo-clickety.
And that’s when he realized
the printer had run out of ink!
Weak.
Oh, I’ve got one.
A good one.
Long ago in the mists of time,
it was said that vast giants,
big as mountains,
roamed these lands.
But they were so fun.
Fun, happy giants.
And they were best friends.
But then a dark
and terrible thing happened,
and it was bad.
They had a disagreement!
Oh, it was so bad
that they turned their backs
to one another
in a stupid, stubborn standoff.
Each refusing to face the other,
their bodies became cold stone,
never to turn around again.
And there they are.
Backs turned to this very day.
They say this park is cursed,
as many a best friendship
has been destroyed
in this place.
Then why did you bring us here?
That’ll never happen to us, Bar.
We’re forever besties.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, time for
some shuteye, kids.
Canoes head out at first light.
And that’s it for the guitar?
[birds tweeting]
This is the best day of my life.
Ditto.
[ethereal music playing]
[gasps] And there they are.
[all gasp]
[Miss Deer Teacher]
Gets me every time.
Now remember, kids,
take only pictures,
leave only ripples.
They do look like big
"angy" giants, don’t they?
[camera shutters clicking]
And now, as a memento
of our unbreakable bond,
I give thee
friendship rock.
With gratitude, I take thee.
[Candle]
I Billiam, it’s "canoe."
[Billiam] Yeah. "Canyoo."
No. You’re saying "canyoo."
It’s "canoe."
Canyoo.
Canoe!
What-What am I saying?
"Canyoo."
Ah! I’m going crazy!
OMG! I am going crazy!
I don’t think
I’ve ever seen those two
fight like that before.
Obviously crinkle cut.
Curly.
Curly over crinkle?
Curly fries demolish crinkles,
you dummy!
[both grunt]
Whoa. Ever seen them argue?
Can’t say that I have.
You don’t think
this could be the curse?
No way.
That’s just a dumb story.
Oh, phew.
Well, let’s check back in
with Reggie and Renée.
[both scream]
The curse of the Foreverangees!
But-But it can’t be.
Ah!
Oh, no.
[Miss Deer Teacher laughs]
Oh, thank goodness.
They’re getting along.
Principal Secretary
will know what to do.
[laughing]
I just think it’s so funny
that you think
you’re the best in the world
at folding fitted sheets.
Well, someone has to be.
Uh, why not me?
There are people who work
in hotels, Secretary,
stay-at-home parents,
the people who fit the fitted
sheets into store packaging.
You’re being so mean right now.
Kiff
- You haven’t seen me fold!
- You’re delusional!
- It’s absurd.
- You haven’t seen me fold!
No!
We should never have come here!
Take only pictures.
Pictures. Pictures.
It’s the pebbles.
It was us, Kiff.
We took more than pictures.
- But-but-but--
- More than pictures!
Oh.
You never listen to me.
I said, "Don’t take
the pebbles."
No, you didn’t.
I’m pretty sure I did.
One hundred percent sure
you didn’t.
No! No! No! It’s the curse
messing with our heads!
Making us false-member things.
Okay, Bar, we’ll just put back
the dumb pebbles
and reverse the curse.
[grunts]
All right, party people,
don’t go anywhere.
- [chuckles]
- [Barry] Mid-catastrophe,
and this one’s a comedienne.
[adventurous music playing]
Hey, Bar,
don’t lift your side up.
All the weight’s on me.
It’s just because
I’m taller than you.
Maybe everything isn’t my fault.
Maybe you’re just short.
Ow.
I can’t even look at you.
There is a storm of insults
just churning inside of me
right now.
Wait! If we turn our backs,
we’ll end up like everyone else!
Let’s just wait for these
fighting feelings to pass,
okay, buddy?
[wind gusting]
Your hands are so clammy.
I’m sorry I said that.
It was the curse.
Don’t worry about it.
Your hands are so dry,
they feel like sandpaper
on my shoulders.
I’m sorry! It’s the curse!
- [wind gusting]
- [both screaming]
[Barry grunts, sighs]
I don’t have any fight
left in me.
[sighs] That’s the spirit.
Oh, we’re so close.
We just have to remember
how to be polite.
How hard can that be?
[Barry grunts]
Uh, were you planning
on sitting here, Kiffy?
Only if you’d like me to,
heh, Barrington.
Unless you’d rather
I ride in the front.
[Kiff] If that’s what
your heart desires.
Oh, my heart desires
what’s good for the gander.
Okay, put 'em back.
Get rid of 'em.
[Barry] Cursed rocks!
There. We’ve broken the curse.
Oh, I’m so glad it’s over.
I told you
not to take the pebbles.
You did not tell me that!
I have been thinking about it
the whole time,
and I’m 100% sure that
I said not to take the pebbles.
Oh! This is madness!
Why are we yelling?
I thought we ended the curse?
Well, you obviously
put your pebble back wrong.
You put your pebble back wrong!
Get off my back!
I literally can’t remember
why we were ever friends!
[echoing] Friends
Were?
[gasps]
Hmph!
- [Barry gasps]
- Ugh, are you crying?
[Barry whimpers]
[Barry] No.
My feelings are wet.
I am so sorry, Barry.
I didn’t mean it.
I was just angry.
Oh, no. Barry!
Oh! Oh, my gosh, Kiff!
The curse!
[grunts]
We never broke the curse!
We’re turning to stone!
[Kiff gasps]
Barry, if we’re gonna
be stuck forever,
I want it to be like this.
Yeah!
I love you, Kiff!
[water lapping]
[both] We did it!
Our friendship broke
a millennia-old curse!
[both laugh]
That was crazy!
I hope the others are okay.
- We should get back.
- Oh, yeah.
- You want to take the front?
- No.
Ha!
[both laugh]
Ah, Kiff and Barry.
There you are.
It seems we all fell asleep
on this riverbank,
waiting for you slowpokes
to bring up the caboose.
Welcome back.
These rocks aren’t "angy."
These rocks are lovey.
Am I lost?
[closing theme music playing]
Chirp.