Kiff (2021) s01e27 Episode Script

1
[opening theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff,
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff,
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer] Brought to you
by We Won Trophy Cases.
For winners!
[Kiff] Look at all these
cool clubs, Barry.
Wow.
[gasps] "Discuss"!
Huh? "On the sports field"?
Oh, yeah. Fresh air
is great for discussing.
[quirky music playing]
- This is the Discuss Club?
- It sure is.
Never heard it pronounced
that way, though.
Uh, do I discuss while holding this, or
- It's a discus.
- Discuss.
- Discus.
- Dis cuss.
"Dis-kiss."
It's a sport from the ancient world.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Okay, sorry for the misunderstanding, P.S.
Kiff! The discus!
Oh, yeah.
[triumphant theme playing]
Never seen such perfect form.
Look at this trophy case.
- [snoring]
- It is all case.
This is why we need you, Kiff.
What about Barry?
We'll find something for Barry.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
[both grunt] Ow.
Now, a lot of athletes get
something called performance anxiety.
It's when they get all
in their heads about--
[sonic boom]
Bring me "The Heavy One."
[sporty theme playing]
She's a natural.
[Barry grunts]
[laughs]
- [marching band playing]
- [Kiff] Wow.
Our first track meet.
Who would have thought, Bar?
Us! Sports!
- Whoo! Yeah!
- [laughs]
[blows whistle]
[yells, groans]
I'm more of a pole vaulter, anyway.
[whistle blows]
Never mind.
[pole vaulter lands]
[grumbles]
[marching band ends]
[triumphant music playing]
[cheering]
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
- Whoo!
- Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
- Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
- All right, this is me.
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
[whispering] Kiff. Kiff.
Kiff. Kiff. Kiff. Kiff.
Our very first trophy.
It's perfect. Almost.
[hopeful theme playing]
[whistles] Look at that. Mmm.
[peppy music playing]
[camera shutter clicking]
[camera shutters click]
[cheering]
I know you're all excited
for the big track meet this Friday.
- [cheering]
- [Kiff grumbles]
But remember, your book reports
are due that day, too.
- [all groan]
- [Kiff] Whoo!
- [school bell rings]
- Pep rally!
[cheering]
All right, listen up, everybody.
On Friday, our worthy opponents will
eat our dust!
[cheering]
You remember our rivals, Tuft Pierre.
- Boo!
- Boo!
- Yes, boo them!
- Boo.
They always take home the big trophy,
but not anymore.
Because we have a secret weapon.
And her name is Kiff!
[cheering]
- Yeah!
- Hooray!
For once, that huge trophy
is coming home with us
to live in our brand-new
trophy case!
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
I spent half the school budget
on this state-of-the-art trophy case,
hand-crafted from luxurious mahogany.
- Wow!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Half the school budget?
- [cheers]
- Yeah!
- Mahogany!
That's right, mahogany.
And I spent the other half on this.
- [cheering]
- Yeah!
- Go, Kiff!
- [cheering]
Yeah way!
[kid] That's her!
[school bell rings]
Okay, everyone.
Time to hand in those book reports.
[trembling]
What?
[tense theme playing]
[slow-motion] Book report.
I was so busy with sports,
I never even cracked the book.
Oh, that's fine, Kiff.
You can have an "A" anyway.
What? Why?
Well, you're a jock now.
Principal Secretary said just
keep throwing those Frisbees,
and you'll never have
to write a book report again.
- [sighs]
- [yells]
Oh, you can leave
whenever you feel like, too!
You cannot.
- [glass squeaks]
- Stop!
I can't do it, P.S.
I just can't! I'm never
throwing that discus again!
What? Why?
Why didn't you make a statue of me
for that insane plant diagram
I did last month, huh?
What? No one cares about that.
How can you do this to me?
How can you do this to the trophy case?
- The big track meet is today!
- I quit.
Mm, counteroffer.
You don't quit, and you get more "A's."
I don't want "A's" I don't earn.
"B's," then!
- "B"-pluses?
- [door slams]
- [marching band playing]
- [cheering]
Let's go, Tables.
Ha ch-ch-ch-cha ♪
[cheering]
- [helicopter thrumming]
- [screams]
[ominous music playing]
Okay, party people.
First up, we have the javelin.
Yeah!
Uh
Need a little more practice?
[chuckles]
Ouch! Tuft Pierre in the lead,
ahead by one.
[military music playing]
- [snorts]
- [whistle trills]
[neighs]
Ooh! Look at those legs. Not good, eh?
- [cheering]
- Yeah!
Ahh
- [laughing]
- [Mr. Ripeppa] Pfft.
[commentator] Pretty much how I thought
that would go. Yee-yee-yee.
[military music playing]
Uhh. Agh!
- Oh, yay!
- Yeah!
Yes! The warthog girl what's-her-name.
Yes. Renée.
[peppy music playing]
[whistle trills]
[horn blows]
It's come down to discus,
as usual, and we have
Barry.
[patting a beat]
[quirky music playing]
- Maybe there is a chance.
- A star is falling from the sky!
- [rumbling]
- That's not a star!
It's a person!
[intimidating music playing]
Our appropriately aged discus champion.
[laughter]
Ta-ta, Table Townies.
This guy hasn't been a kid in years.
[joints pop]
- Oh, yeah!
- Huzzah!
Whoa. This person involved
in a children's track meet
has quite the throwing arm.
[cheering]
Boo! Boo! Boo!
- Helen, I don't usually call on--
- Say no more.
[drums playing]
[clap]
Who's got the goods
To win it all? ♪
- You know who ♪
- We know who ♪
Who's got the chops
To take the call? ♪
- You know who ♪
- We know who ♪
Who's got the fire
Burning hot? ♪
- You know who ♪
- We know who ♪
Who's got the fight?
Who can't be stopped? ♪
- You know who ♪
- Yes, we know who! ♪
They say it takes
A lot of team spirit ♪
Dig deep
If you wanna win it ♪
Come together
And work as a team ♪
They say
Don't take your eyes ♪
Off that sweet prize ♪
Stick together
To reach your dream ♪
They say you need
A lot of attitude ♪
They say you need
To stand strong ♪
They say you need
A lot of heart ♪
Well, they're all wrong! ♪
You just need a lot of Helen.
Helen! Helen! Helen! Helen! ♪
What? What? What? What? ♪
Helen! Helen! Helen! Helen! ♪
What? What? What? ♪
Whoa there, Helens.
That's quite enough. Shoo. Shoo now.
- [jabbering]
- Begone with you all.
Put me in, Coach. Put me in.
- Hah! Hah! Hah!
- [sighs]
Ooh, I've seen this in the movies.
It's the moment when that
one kid who stinks at everything
surprises everyone and saves the day, eh?
[grunts] Heh. I can't pick it up.
What's happening? Are we conceding?
Please, Kiff.
Kiff?
I want an "F" on that book report.
Yes. Yes.
[triumphant theme playing]
One last time.
[theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
[cheering]
big barrel
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
[cheering]
Oh! Table Town School takes the victory!
An unprecedented win over Tuft Pierre!
Whoa!
[marching band playing]
[squawks]
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
- Kiff--
- No. I walk on the ground now.
[triumphant music playing]
All trophy.
[announcer] Brought to you
by the Smooth Jazz Hour
on TTWX 101.9.
Vanilla you can hear.
- [birds chirping]
- It's Saturday morning.
You know what that means.
Kiff and Dad weed the backyard!
[mellow music playing]
[humming a tune]
[grunting]
[lawnmowers buzzing]
Let's go!
[angelic choir sings]
Did we forget to clear behind the shed?
Eh, looks all right.
Let's just clear it next Saturday.
Definitely. We definitely will.
[birds chirping]
Ooh! Behind the shed.
Um, next Saturday?
- Shed!
- Shed!
- Next Saturday?
- Next Saturday.
[laughing]
- Are we forgetting something?
- Hmm?
There's my two sugar buns.
Remember, today's my Saturday
to host the big professor barbecue.
Dean Kim thinks they improve team spirit.
Forget? I'm running the grill. Heh.
And I'm gonna deejay.
I haven't agreed to that yet.
The barbecue starts at 4:00.
Is the backyard ready for guests?
What am I saying? I know you gumdrops
have been on it, doing such a great job.
- Aw, yeah.
- We're awesome.
I was thinking we could set up the grill
in that nice little area behind the shed.
What do you think?
Yeah. That nice little area.
It's ready, alrighty.
We're just gonna run out
and dot the "T's" and cross the "I's."
[laughs]
Phew! All right. Let's get this over with.
How bad could it be? [shrieks]
What? What?
Ee-yikes-i-ola.
Okay, so unexpectedly bad.
But we've got, like, five hours.
Nothing left to do but get started.
- [chomp]
- Ow!
Uhh. It bit me?
[suspenseful music playing]
[growls]
[British accent]
Sorry for the tooth-handy, old chap,
but we're not going anywhere.
- What?
- Uh, what?
Wh-Why do you have an accent?
We're an invasive species.
We come from a land far superior to this,
but we decided to expand our domain.
Smashing. [chuckles]
But this is our backyard.
[Cedric] Not anymore.
We brought a little flag and everything.
Isn't it cracking good? I made it.
Right. Okay, look,
we've got barbecue guests
coming at 4:00,
and this is just very weird.
So who's in charge here?
[gasps] Why, my daughter, Roo.
[fanfare plays]
- Yes?
- You can't be in charge.
You're just a kid like me.
We're a more highly evolved society,
so obviously children are in charge.
- Well, that's cool.
- Indeed.
All right, well, then, kid to kid,
can y'all just please clear out?
My mom is throwing this barbecue,
and we kind of told her
the yard was all clear.
[chuckles] Quite impossible, old chum.
We've moved in. Permanently.
Mom can't know we procrastinated
so much on the yard.
She's so proud of us.
We gotta get rid of these invaders ASAP.
How? I'm not sending my finger
soldiers back down there.
[Western music playing]
Hoo-ha ♪
- Lawnmower.
- Lawnmowe
eeer.
[ominous music playing]
We heard you conspiring.
You could have forfeited
the realm behind the shed to us,
but, no, you decided to use force.
Well, now we'll be taking
the whole yard. Pip-pip.
My lawnmower!
Big mistake.
- [thunder crashes]
- [horn bellows]
[yelps]
[yelling]
Turn it on!
[deep yelling]
Turn it off. Turn it off!
First, the yard! Then, who knows?
I've heard good things about houses.
Why not take it all?
[Kiff, in British accent]
I say we back down!
I'm knackered!
[Martin, in British accent]
Agreed. What she said.
[snarling]
- [yelling]
- [yelling]
- Oof.
- [clang]
[gobbling]
[bird squawks]
[ominous music playing]
[Kiff sighs] We're done for, Dad.
They pushed us all the way
back to the patio line,
and we're all out of moves.
I'm a bad influence.
You don't normally procrastinate.
You're a textbook perfectionist,
like your mom.
I ruined my little nerd!
Wait a second. [gasps]
A nerd!
Reggie's always spouting off
about obscure, weird stuff.
Maybe he knows something that can help.
Kiff, I'm into tech.
I'm not just some generic nerd
who knows weird facts
about every little-- Wait.
Did you say biting mushrooms?
I just got a book on those.
Uh-huh. Hmm. Okay.
- [door opens]
- [Beryl] Woof.
You wouldn't believe the lines today
at Slim Pickins.
3:30 p. already?
Stop! I mean, heh,
let me carry that outside for you, hon.
You just stay here,
make some lemonade or something.
In here.
Oh. Okay.
Got it. Okay. Thanks, Reg.
They have a weakness.
That's it? They hate smooth jazz?
That's their big weakness?
Everybody hates something.
[male voice]
Take it down a notch or ten
with the mild, numbing elevator tones
of the Smooth Jazz Hour. Hit it.
[smooth jazz playing]
[jabbering]
It's working.
No! It's horrible.
The soft sax.
The gentle tooting. Agh!
[gasps] Yes!
Deploy fungus cannon!
Did she say something?!
[music sputtering]
[music stops]
That was our last hope.
[sighs]
It's a dark day for Martin's Appliances.
It's 4:00 p.
The barbecue's starting,
But but maybe
we still have a little time.
I mean, who shows up
exactly when a party starts?
[doorbell rings]
[both] Middle-aged professors.
[deep breath]
Dean, colleagues,
right on time, as always.
- Hello, Beryl.
- Evening, Beryl.
This way to the backyard.
- Alrighty.
- Let's do this.
- Can't go out there! Not ready!
- No, you can't go out there!
Oh, don't be so modest. They spent all day
making sure the backyard's
all spick-and-span.
[ominous music playing]
[whap]
Beryl, what the heck?
I truly don't know what to say.
Mom, Dean, professors,
we've got terrible news.
[inhales] Dad and I got a little lazy
and kind of let the backyard get overtaken
by an evil army of biting mushrooms.
The BBQ is ruined.
But how did this happen?
This morning, you said
the backyard was good to go.
We lied. We've been
procrastinating.
[sobbing]
Ah, procrastination.
That wicked temptress.
I used to procrastinate myself,
until a month ago.
That's when I read a quote
on the back of a box of Andrew's Mix.
"If it takes less
than five minutes, do it now."
- I am so sorry about this.
- We tried blasting smooth jazz.
[clears throat] That won't work.
They'll just shoot fungus at your boombox
and disable the speakers.
That's exactly what happened!
Wait. These creatures could have
important scientific implications.
I'd like to set up
a bio-research center in your shed.
Oh. Sure. I-I mean, if you want.
Yeah, I'd like to sit down with them
and learn more
about the social aspects of their society.
That's the kind of professor I am.
Come on! Bite it!
For science!
- I'll get some grub cookin'?
- I'll deejay.
Reggie said mushrooms
like heavy metal, yeah?
Pili, play "Chains of Chains."
[Roo] Hang on! Stop it!
You want us to stay?
You're just giving us the backyard?
[reflective music playing]
Roo, Your Excellency, we would be honored
if you stayed in our backyard.
You are so welcome here.
Oh, no, this is rubbish.
Pack it up, everyone! We're leaving!
Wait, what?
[Cedric] We're an invasive species,
you potato.
We can't stay where
we're wanted. It's absurd!
[Roo] Hello there.
We need a lift to the airport posthaste.
I'll take you.
- Me, too.
- I'll navigate.
[Roo] You have a large van
or something, I presume.
[Professor Lloyd]
We'll put the seats down.
Well, Beryl, quite the evening.
Yeah.
Dealing with those mushrooms
was the perfect team-building exercise.
I've never seen my employees
coming together
to solve something so efficiently.
Best BBQ ever.
Wow. Okay, great.
I think other institutions
could learn a lot from our experience.
I'd like you to write an essay
on the evening for me.
Oh, I'm not sure I want to--
Wow. Another adventure
all wrapped up neat and tidy.
Hold it. I'm worried
neither of you learned a lesson here.
But we did. We learned that sometimes
procrastination is weirdly good
and saves the day.
- Is that the take-away?
- It's a take-away.
You two are gonna write that essay for me.
I'm taking a bath.
[sighs] Well, nothing to do
but start, I guess.
- Next Saturday?
- Next Saturday.
[closing theme music playing]
Chirp.