Killing It (2022) s01e04 Episode Script


That's what I'm talking about.
Where'd it go? It never came out.
Here we go.
- Dad! - Fuck! - Fucking fuck! - Dad! - Somebody help me! Fuck! - Somebody please help! Somebody help me! Somebody help me! Somebody please help! I don't get it.
If there's 100,000 pythons in the Everglades, where the fuck are they all? Hello, Jillian, why you on the phone? - Focus up.
- I'm very focused.
It's just that I'm getting all these texts from this guy, Nate, who I met at Dominine.
I don't know how to respond.
"Where'd you go?" "Did I do something wrong?" Jillian, did you ghost this dude? Yes, but only because he's handsome and rich, and he thought I was rich, too, for some weird reason.
Probably because I said I was.
You made the right call.
You can't start a relationship on a foundation of lies.
Lying always ends bad.
Yes, you're right, definitely.
But have you seen the movie, "Maid in Manhattan"? J-Lo lies to Ralph Fiennes, and they still end up together.
Plus, all of her maid friends get promoted to management.
Yeah, that's J-Lo.
You're not J-Lo.
Okay, you're J actually, I don't know your last name.
It's Glopp, like the sound lotion makes when it hits the floor.
Uh, yeah, I don't see things working out for J-Glopp.
You mad at me about something? What? No, no, I'm sorry.
I don't know who I'm mad at.
Honestly, I thought this Rita Gaines thing would work out, and we wouldn't have to be back out here.
Fuck Rita Gaines.
I hope she gains weight.
Come on, don't be fatphobic.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I hope she gains cancer? That's much worse.
I hope she gains a little decency.
Would you two shut the fuck up? - The fuck? - Huh? - What's happening? - What the fuck? - I mean - Who the fuck is this? Damn it.
You scared all the snakes off.
What the fuck are you wearing? It's a ghillie suit.
Well, I like the name, very cute.
No, there's nothing cute about this, unless you think it is cute to dress like a U.
Navy SEAL.
I think it's cute to dress up like a tree.
I bet it's a fun way to feed the birds.
It's camo, all right? It breaks up my silhouette.
Makes me invisible to the prey.
Dad, do I have to wear this thing? It's a thousand degrees out here, and it smells like shit.
- It smells fucking fine.
- It smells like gasoline.
It's not gasoline.
It's an expensive snake pheromone that I bought off a very reputable online dealer.
The pythons find it alluring.
People can't smell it.
Oh, I can definitely smell it.
Yeah, well, then you must be the one human being that can smell snake pheromone.
So you should be in a fucking museum.
You got scammed, Dad.
Yeah, well, at least I didn't get a D in math, Corby.
Yeah, that's because I can never do my homework because I'm always editing your stupid videos.
I'm trying to set you up for life.
Would you rather know geometry or be proficient in Adobe Premiere? - Math.
- No one gives a shit about triangles anymore, Corby.
Now, this is our snake territory.
We called dibs.
So go someplace else and fuck off.
Suit up, son.
- Bye.
- Bye, Corby.
- Nice to see you.
- Corby! There's the fucking thief.
Well, fucking finally.
It's been two days.
All I had to eat were these Dominine brand energy bars.
Oh, you should be thanking me.
Those things are gold.
They're all I ever eat.
And I never have to shit, like ever.
Seems dangerous.
What's dangerous is how much work I'm getting done while you're sitting on the can, wiping your fucking ass.
Now, you stole from me, and I don't like being stolen from.
I ain't steal from you.
I was conducting my own business.
Selling access to my fucking event.
This guy took all my shit when he tossed me in here.
So you already have all the cash.
Yeah, the problem is you've been in here for 48 hours, while that money's been in Jarren's sweaty little pocket instead of in the markets making a return.
And I don't know if you know this about me, but I make money make money.
So you owe me interest, say 18%, 18% of 21,000.
Holy shit, you made 21K selling wristbands? Yeah, all it cost me was one $400 ticket.
'Cause I don't know if you noticed about me, but I make money make money.
Hey that's Rodney's catch phrase.
Hey, at least he used it right, Jarren.
- Sorry.
- Don't apologize! Jesus Christ, have you read any of my books? - Yeah - Don't answer that.
I know you have.
You're obsessed with me, and it's fucking weird.
Now, you got one day to get me my money.
Or else.
The "or else" is implied by the silence, you dunce.
You never add anything.
You never fucking add anything.
Fuck! Let's go! I just didn't think every relationship that starts with a lie is bad.
We never would've become partners if I hadn't pretended I drove a Mercedes.
And yet here we are, tromping through the swamp empty-handed.
Jury's still out on where this is headed.
Help! - Is that what's his name? - Corby.
Help! - Please, come here! - Oh, shit! - Oh, my God! - The snake is choking him! - What happened? - Fuck, get it off.
- Please help.
- What happened? We were laying down, and it just crawled in there.
I was invisible.
It's 'cause I look like the swamp.
Hey, I'm gonna find the head.
Oh, my God, it's going all the way around.
- Here, use the bolt gun! - I got the head! Here's the head, it's here.
It's by his waist! - Dad, Dad, Dad! - Hold still, hold still.
Don't shoot my dick off.
Dad! Oh.
What the why are you in a thong? 'Cause it's fucking hot in there.
I'd be naked, but the suit chafes my penis.
The suit you just put a hole in, by the way.
Thanks for that.
Oh, sorry for saving your life.
Yeah, you didn't save my life.
You ruined my take.
I was pretending to be strangled.
Build tension for the video.
That's right, hot shot.
Smile, 'cause you're on camera.
Are you fucking serious? Where's the camera, Corby? What? I dropped it.
- I got scared.
- Did I call cut? You weren't breathing.
Goddammit! That is method acting, son.
You've done enough of these to know that's part of my process.
It looks like you've peed yourself.
That's just snake pee.
The snake peed on top of my penis when he got scared.
Right on top.
I'm sorry we ruined your video.
Here you go.
We'll just be taking our snake.
Like hell you will.
It's my snake.
- How? - But we killed it.
Yeah, well, I could've killed it any time I want to, but if I killed too easily, there's no story.
And I'm a fucking storyteller.
So sorry, tough shit, my snake.
Fuck it, look.
We'll turn it in together and split it, all right? Just put some clothes on and clean the pee off yourself.
All right.
I don't drink.
You know why? It's 'cause when guys go out, they go hit the clubs.
They go to the bars.
What they're telling the people around them is, "My job's done for the day.
" Well, fuck that.
My work ain't ever done.
Yo, that dude is crazy, man.
Yeah, he dumb as hell, but he's rich as shit.
I'm like this.
Rich and dumb.
A man can make some money off that combo.
That's not how the system works.
I can't just split a snake.
It's 10 feet of snake.
Five feet of snake for him, five feet of snake for us.
Every submission needs a tag number, and the tag number has to go with the head.
And I'm already having the worst week.
Sarah's pissed at me because of all this Nick stuff.
And then I got my tongue pierced three days ago, but then it got infected, so I had to take it out.
Now it's so painful that I can't eat.
And I'm so fucking hungry.
And now you guys are yelling at me? - Nobody's yelling at you.
- Who cares about your week? Doesn't matter anyway.
You're wasting your time.
You're too far behind.
Too far behind? Far behind who? Him.
Who the fuck is that guy? What's up, Carlos? Five pythons in one day.
Hey, save some for the rest of us, man.
Save A lot of eye contact.
I thought what you said was very funny.
Thank you.
Okay, that's another 32 feet.
Sign here.
32 feet? - Explain Carlos, please.
- Who the hell is Carlos? - Who is this? - Doesn't make any sense.
I don't know, but he's gonna win.
He's killed like 20 snakes in four days.
- Oh, my God.
- 20? How the fuck? We've got 3 1/2, and I thought we were doing good.
Perfect puncture wound, right between the eyes, every goddamn one.
- He's a snake ninja.
- So we should give up.
We've been wasting our damn time.
No, we call a truce.
Quit fighting until we can figure out how to beat this guy.
Two archenemies teaming up to vanquish common foe.
It won't matter.
Even if we combine our snakes, he'd still be kicking our asses.
How does he find so many? I bet he's got a secret hunting ground.
We should follow him and see where he finds them.
Follow him from where? We don't know where he lives.
Nah, I know how to find out.
Okay! Forgot I had this fucker on.
You ever WOWO, work out with oxygen? Gives you more energy, faster recovery, it keeps you looking young.
Here's a fun game.
How old do you think I am? 49? What, are you fucking dumb? No, I'm 42, but I look 31, and fuck, I feel 14.
I had a wet dream last night, motherfucker.
So you got my money or what? I got something better than money.
I got a proposition.
I'm willing to come work for you.
Why the fuck would Rodney want that? What do you provide? I mean, it seems like you could use someone who's not afraid to get their hands dirty.
Ooh, I don't like what you're insinuating there.
- I'm a legitimate businessman.
- Yeah? I checked every penthouse and top floor apartment sold by Lamonca Development Group over the last six years.
They're consistently 10% above comps.
Because I build premier fucking units with premier fucking materials.
Maybe, or maybe given how many of your units are sold to newly formed shell companies, you're just laundering money for foreign oligarchs.
All right, I'm impressed.
You can't hire this guy.
He's a con man.
You think you get a fucking say in this, Jarren? Do the fucking elves get to tell Santa which kids were naughty? - No.
- What do the elves do? Nothing.
They're just short losers.
Short fucking losers who live in Santa's shadow, you fucking elf.
Welcome to Team Rodney.
I don't understand.
What are we doing here? It's my house.
Gotta access my footage.
Gotta get on the Wi-Fi.
Don't wanna stream that shit over cellular, fuck up my data.
But why can't we just go inside? 'Cause my wife's inside.
I don't wanna surprise her.
- Why? - She hates surprises, okay? She's gotta schedule, and I just show up out of the blue.
You have any idea what that's gonna do to her? Nothing.
Doesn't seem like an imposition at all.
Can't you just text her you're here? And surprise her with a text? This guy just doesn't get it.
You wanna know what's gonna happen if I go inside? My wife's gonna see me.
She's gonna want sex.
Okay? We don't have time for that.
- Dad.
- Not the way I do it.
- Dad.
- Sorry, Corby.
Just 'cause you're a virgin doesn't mean that I am.
I found the footage.
Can we just look at the footage already? Here we go.
Motherfuckers that got canoes This is the intro from the kickoff event.
Guess what I got? Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay, boom.
That's that motherfucker's motorcycle.
And that's his plate.
How's that help us? My best friend Matt works at the DMV.
I'll run the plates, get us an address.
I'm gonna track this son of a bitch down.
You you still wish we'd gone inside? - Absolutely.
- This has all been so weird.
- I want you to hang back.
- Why? 'Cause I'm the pop, and you're the baby, and the baby don't ask questions.
Also what we're about to do is illegal, and I don't want you involved.
I'll stay here and babysit.
I'm twice your height.
I can't run a stranger's plates, bro.
I just don't wanna lose my job.
Wuh-buh, wuh-buh.
You don't wanna lose your precious paycheck, huh? Huh, you're not gonna be able to take care of your sister, to afford her around-the-clock care? Come on, how's she doing, by the way, anyway? Not great.
We're just trying to keep her comfortable at this point.
Then goddammit, Matt, huh? You never been afraid to break a few rules.
What happened to Matt Wendro who stole the fucking SAT book, gave it to the whole goddamn school? He got caught.
We all got caught.
No one in our grade went to college.
We didn't need to go to college, okay? You still went down there and partied every weekend with those guys anyway.
Hey it's cool, man.
Let's find another way.
No, no, hey, hey, hey, come on, come on.
- I know about you and Robin.
- What? - I know about you and Robin.
- What are you talking about? I know that you're sleeping with my wife! Hey, can I ask you something? Sure.
So there's this guy, and I really like him, but he thinks I'm someone I'm not.
Is this something you should talk to one of your adult friends about? I'm going to, but they're all so busy.
So what do you think? Right.
Um, I don't know.
Kind of seems skeezy to me.
I played "Call of Duty" with this guy named NinjaKillz, and I thought he was around my age.
But one day I heard his wife yelling at him about a DUI.
Turns out he's actually a 50-year-old dude from Arizona.
Maybe NinjaKillz was scared to tell you the truth because he thought you wouldn't like him.
He's older than my dad.
It's creepy.
Right, totally.
But have you thought about maybe going to meet up with him in person to see if you have a real connection? To Arizona? This all started because you and NinjaKillz really liked each other.
Are you gonna throw away something so special just because of one little lie? Do you want me to hook up with this guy? No, I'm trying to get advice for my own thing, Corby.
God, you don't get it.
Come on, Brock, I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, I heard you.
Okay? I came home to surprise Robin, I heard you, and then the next time I came home, I saw you.
And then there was another time I came home, but I didn't go in the house, but you were having sex against the Nest Cam.
- Nest Cam? - Jesus.
- Why didn't you say anything? - Because I don't care.
You know, it's all about my elbow injury anyway.
I can't put pressure on my right elbow.
So I can't be on top during sex, which is, like, my best position.
It's my go-to.
It's the one I grew up doing the most.
So it's only natural Robin's gonna be with somebody else.
But as soon as my elbow is fixed, well, then I'm back on top.
On top of my wife, on top of my life.
I wanted to tell you so many times.
Well, it would've been a boring conversation because I know everything anyway, okay? Been there, done that, and I'm okay with it.
All right? Then why are you bringing it up? Because I can still pretend like I care, even if I don't.
I can pretend like I don't mind that I'm an embarrassment to my son, and I can pretend like I don't care that I've lost my best friend and my wife at the same moment.
I could pretend like I have never felt more alone in the whole fucking world, and I can pull it off, too, because I am a great actor.
I'm a storyteller, and I bring stories to life! I'll run the plates, man.
You gotta calm down.
I am calm, all right? This is acting! Goddammit.
Classic shakedown.
You need to talk to somebody, man? About what? Here, but it's not a residential address.
The bike is registered to an LLC.
Family Fun Times Adventure Park? Excuse me.
Hi, we're looking for this guy.
He has dark hair, a scar on his face, kind of a lone wolf vibe.
- You mean Condom Carl? - No, his name's Carlos.
Well, Condom Carl has a scar on his face, and he works here.
He like, fixes the windmill and mops up vomit.
Plus, he picks up like, a shit ton of condoms.
Why are there a shit ton of condoms at the putt-putt course? 'Cause there's holes in the fence, so high school kids sneak in and have sex here.
Then Condom Carl picks up after 'em.
He made this like, weird condom stick with a nail on the end, so sad.
- That's his snake stick.
- No, it's for condoms.
He did kill a snake that one time.
Oh, yeah, like eight months ago, there was a big one living in the castle, and this guy stuck his hand in Bit him.
Then Condom Carl had to poke it to death.
All right, well, we're clearly talking about two different people here, okay? Our guy's a snake slayer.
Not a fucking jizz janitor.
Okay, well, Condom Carl's over there, so you tell me.
What the hell? Oh, here we go.
Moving in for the kill.
Whoa, how you liking that suit? Yeah, feels good, feels fine.
From my Dominine line.
Sweatshop made, baby.
Yeah, I'm proud of that.
Tell you what? I wish I grew up in a sweat shop.
I'm jealous of those kids developing a work ethic.
The only thing I was doing at that age was trying to figure out which pillow to fuck.
They're on the way.
Who's on the way? Go ahead.
We're meeting Artyam Sikorof.
He's looking to purchase three luxury apartments, well over ask in cash.
In return, our lawyers will forget to report this transaction to the OFAC.
Just say we doing a crime, Jarren.
Be direct, or don't be at all.
You read my book? You think I'm gonna work for someone and not read everything they've ever written? - Somebody's obsessed.
- Yes.
Obsessed with making money.
Are you not, Jare Bear? Jare Bear, I like that.
Write that down so I don't forget it.
You want me to write down Jare Bare? Yes, Jare Bear.
Write it down, Jare Bear.
Okay, I think I know what's happening.
What if Carlos and Condom Carl are twins? I went to high school with identical twins, Tim and Jim.
And the only way to tell them apart was that one of them died of a heroin overdose.
Okay, they're not twins, all right? Listen, we are getting our asses handed to us by Condom Carl.
Something's just not right about this.
If he works here full-time, when is he getting the snakes? And did you see him double lock the door, why? It's a putt-putt maintenance shed.
You know, when my wife started deadbolting the door, that's when I realized that something was going on between her and you know, surprises.
We're coming back here.
Tonight, after hours.
We're gonna find out what's going on in that shed.
I'll take all three.
I'm prepared to do 5% above asking.
5? 10% or we're done here.
Then we're done.
Let me talk to my guys.
Give me the room.
5%? What the fuck, Jarren? 5% is standard for deals this size.
It's already 60 million, and he's offering another 3 for nothing.
There will be more deals with this guy.
If we close, we build a relationship.
Fuck that.
You think Santa Claus is out there building relationships? What? Santa tells the reindeer where to go, the reindeer don't fucking negotiate.
We're not talking about Santa.
We're talking about $63 million.
- Which should be 66 million.
- This guy's rich.
What do all rich people have in common? They understand that time is their primary asset.
I always say that.
This guy walks away without a deal, he wasted his time, his primary asset.
So you have the leverage.
I say, raise that ask.
It's a bad idea, Rodney.
So I talked to my guys, and the price just went up.
It's now 12%, Why don't you consider it a tax for waste of my fucking time? I'll do 10.
My guy.
Welcome to Team Rodney.
How late does Condom Carl work? Can you turn that off? I'm trying to stay incognito here.
I'm sorry.
It's that Nate guy.
He keeps texting.
Seriously, this again? Text and say you're not interested, J-Glopp.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't wanna be some old child molester from Arizona.
What? It's something that happened to Corby.
- Oh, my God.
- Or almost happened.
I don't know.
I wasn't paying attention.
Maybe I should see him, Nate, just to tell him that I'm not interested in him.
- "Sorry - Oh, no, don't.
- "To run off.
- No, don't text.
"Had an important business meeting.
Don't send that.
Let's get together.
" Craig! Look, you clearly wanna be with this guy.
And we were gonna keep talking about it until I told you it was okay, so I'm telling you, it's okay.
Now, if you don't mind, my life dream hinges on whether or not we figure out where Condom crawl is getting these snakes.
And I'd like to focus on that, please.
He'd love to.
Hey, here he comes.
You didn't even see me.
It's 'cause I don't have a silhouette.
Did you bring the bolt cutters? It's warm.
Stinks like shit.
What the fuck? It's so hot in here.
It's because of all these fucking space heaters.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.
Holy shit, they said that Condom Carl killed that python in the castle.
Why is a snake living in a putt-putt castle? It was laying eggs.
Fucker found a nest.
He must have known about the contest.
He kept the eggs, hatched them, raised them to full-grown snakes.
Never even stepped foot in the swamp.
We should take pictures.
We can bring proof to the water management guys and get him disqualified.
No, we kill these snakes and take 'em in ourselves.
Split it 50/50, make it a two-team race.
And he won't be able to prove we did anything wrong without admitting what he was doing himself.
- But that's not fair.
- Oh, no.
Oh, that's unfair to Condom Carl.
How's he gonna feel when he can't fucking cheat anymore? No, it's not fair to the other people in the contest.
We're not the only people who want the prize money.
A lot of people don't get what they want, okay? I didn't want my mom to sleep with every fucking Little League coach I had, but she did it anyway.
That's how this country works.
It's time you grow a pair, missy.
Well, we're not gonna do it, right, Craig? Craig, tell him.
I say we take the snakes.
Oh, oh, there he is.
Welcome to mi casa.
Hey, you sure it's okay that I'm here? This isn't like a family dinner or anything, right? That fucking guy's here.
It can't be that intimate.
Anyways, you crushed it today, man.
And crushing it makes you family.
Look, I'm just glad that shit worked out.
I got you a nice little welcome gift in my office.
Why don't you go check it out? Oh.
What the fuck? Jarren? What do you think? You like that? Wanted to put a bow on him, but kind of ran out of time.
So what are you up to, Isaiah? You trying to make some money off me? Man, I wouldn't try to make money off you.
Hey, relax.
It's smart.
I'm rich.
You should be trying to make some money off me, but this is a two-way street.
And if you wanna make money off me, you're gonna make money for me.
You get that? I got you.
I'm hungry.
Let's go get some fajitas.
Fajitas! No, this is wrong.
We're not gonna take these snakes.
This contest is about getting pythons off the street.
That's all we're doing here.
These were bred to be killed.
It's different.
We'll get Carlos kicked out of the contest, then we're tied for first place again.
Until someone else cheats.
Are you even paying attention? Everyone is lying, and everyone is getting away with it.
Condom Carl raises his own snakes.
He's in first place.
Brock's wife is cheating on him with his best friend.
This guy acts like he doesn't care.
That's 'cause of the elbow, okay? - That situation's nuanced.
- You're lying.
You want that guy to think you're rich, don't you? You're the one who texted him.
Because I'm tired of being the only one playing by the rules.
The world's unfair, Jillian G.
Maybe it's okay if it's unfair in our favor for once.
Guys, guys! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, fuck.
- Shit.
- What the fuck? - Shit.
- It's the gasoline! It's not gasoline.
It's a snake pheromone.
Oh, fuck! Get the suit off.
Take the suit off.
- Get the suit off! - Shit! Oh! What should we do? Should we call the fire department? Fuck no.
We're trespassing.
Get the fuck out of here.
Is everything at this putt-putt flammable? Why's the lake on fire? Shit, shit, shit, shit.
We gotta go.
To the Jeep, come on, come on.
We gotta go!
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