Killing It (2022) s02e06 Episode Script


You know what a death roll is?
It's how alligators kill their prey.
You see, gators are ancient creatures,
violent things.
Their bite's so strong
it can cut through bone.
But they can't chew.
So when they clamp down on their prey
and they pull it underwater
and they start flipping over
faster and faster,
round and round,
it's like a washer on a spin cycle,
'cept it's not cleanin'
dirty undies, uh-uh.

It's tearin' limbs from sockets
and muscle from bones.
The prey is literally
ripped to shreds.
So why am I telling you this?
Because that's what
you're doin' to us, Lorraine.
You're putting us
in a fucking death roll!
Ma'am, I understand
that COBRA can be an expensive option
for continued
health insurance coverage.
Oh, you think?
It's fuckin' $700 a month
per participant!
It's only intended
as an emergency option
after job loss, but the good news is,
your current plan doesn't
expire for another ten days.
Ten fucking days?
I tried to book a cardiologist
for Ray-Nathan.
They didn't have an appointment
for six months.
I don't need a cardiologist, Mom.
You got the high blood
pressure, Ray-Nathan.
And I'm cutting back on my sodium.
I switched from McGriddles
to McMuffins.
Ma'am, if there's nothing else,
I'd appreciate if you
could stay on the line
for a quick customer
satisfaction survey.
Oh, I'll give you your feedback
right fuckin' now.
You're part of the cancer
that is destroying the soul
of America, Lorraine!
Okay, well, we understand
that you have a choice
when it comes to health insurance,
and we do appreciate your business.
I hope you die, Lorraine!
Zero stars!

Craig, if you're watching this,
I want you to know that I am okay,
but the Boones will hurt me
if you don't do
exactly what they say
No, no, no. Cut. God damn it.
How many times do I have to tell you
to sound more scared?
I'm sorry. I am scared.
It's just that I smile
when I'm nervous.
It's not your smile.
It is your goofy voice.
Can you just say it regular?
I guess I could try
an American accent.
Give me one second.
Hot dog. Hot dog.
- Hot dog.
- All right.
You are scared to death. Action.
Craig, if you're watching this,
- I want you to know that I'm
- That's fucking worse.
Is that the only accent you got?
Um, I could do Marge Simpson.
[RASPY VOICE] Hello, Homie.
Would you like
Fuck this!
She don't sound scared
'cause she ain't!
Maybe it's time
we escalate this situation.
- God damn it!
Stop laughing at me!
You know women's laughter
is the sound I hate the most.
I don't think my sister
has conveyed the gravity
of this situation to you, girl.
So I'm just gonna
ask you one question:
Picker, tickler, pinkie,
stretch, or thumb?
- What?
- Which finger do you want me
to cut off
picker, tickler,
pinkie, stretch, or thumb?
Picker, tickler, pinkie,
stretch, or thumb?
Come on! Picker, tickler,
pinkie, stretch, or thumb?
Please, I don't want you
to cut off any of my fingers.
Don't tell me.
Tell the camera. Action!
Hey, Craig, I'm okay,
but Ray-Nathan has a knife
and I'm pretty sure
he's angry with women.
They said they're not gonna
hurt me if you do everything
that they say, but I'm scared.
I'm really, really scared.
- Nice work, kids.
- I mean, I did it.
- Ray-Nathan dropped his knife.
- Why would you kidnap Jillian?
I'm the only one that cares about her,
and my net worth is a minus sign.
We want our fake jobs back.
But here's the good news.
Unlike COBRA, I am reasonable.
Rehire us in the next ten days
and nothing happens to your friend.
After that, let's just say
we won't be the only ones
needin' health insurance.
Oh, and one more thing.
Before you think about calling
the cops, you might wanna
check on who runs the Port
Everglades sheriff's station
Tyler Boone.
No relation,
but a very close friend.
No relation? No, relation.
Natalie-Ray, that's your first cousin.
Yeah, well,
you could have told me that
before I gave him a hand job
at Nana's funeral.
Why did you think he was there?
Uh, 'cause everyone loved Nana.
She was a pillar of our community.
- That's just nasty.
- Yeah, well,
it's not like I got off or anything.
You all are freaking out over nothing.
- In a church?
- Uh, yeah.
Hello? God can just
forgive it right away.
What the fuck?
I wanted this sign to be jacked.
Does it look jacked to you?
Yes. It's a really big sign.
No, this sign doesn't look jacked.
It looks like it sucks
its own dick on the elliptical.
You're fired.
What about you, big man?
You think this sign looks jacked?
I don't know. Rodney, I actually have
something really serious to tell you.
I got an influencer event
happening in eight hours.
- More serious than that?
- The Boones took Jillian.
- They're gonna hurt her.
- So no, not more serious.
- You have to rehire them.
- Don't do it.
Too expensive.
Sorry, she's my little "Rain Man"
number, number, number, number.
I'm just kidding.
We're a family of Tom Cruises.
Rodney, please, I'm begging you.
I was so proud of you in San Diego,
lying to all those people
about curing cancer.
I thought my shit clicked
with you, bro.
Yo, Rodney, a truck just pulled up.
Oh, holy shit! It's here?
Rodney got a shark
for the party tonight.
Yeah, I'm gonna put it
in the pool and fight it.
What do you mean, "fight it,"
like bop it on the nose?
It's a shark.
I'm gonna kill the thing.
Sounds dangerous.
I mean, it's a blacktip,
not a great white.
'Cause they wouldn't let me
buy a great white
because we are a nation of girls,
but still a shark,
still a killing machine.
- You'll see tonight.
- No, I won't see
because I won't be
at your influencer event.
My friend is kidnapped,
and you won't help.
Craig, your drama.
All right, where's that
fish I'm gonna murder?
I'm telling you, man,
you should come to the party,
- take your mind off stuff.
- By "stuff," do you mean
my best friend getting kidnapped?
I thought I was your best friend.
[LAUGHS] I'm just kidding.
We don't get along.
- Bro, will you relax?
Is anything gonna happen
to Jillian tonight?
- No, but
- Isaiah, Rodney wants you.
I'll be right there.
Man, just trust me, okay?
It's like Tyrese says,
"God has a plan."
Are you seriously
quoting Tyrese to me right now?
Or Drake or Floyd Mayweather
I don't know, they all pretty
much got the same take on God.
Well, they sent a dud shark.
It's all full of Xanax or some shit.
It's all sleepy.
Threw a baseball right
at its head.
It just bounced right off.
The drugs are for the transport.
- It'll wear off soon.
- Yeah, and what if it doesn't?
People are gonna watch me fight
some low-T beta shark?
You could give it
some of mom's Adderall.
Mama needs that to get out
of bed in the morning
and go to the gym. Let's think.
Uh, I know.
We get that crate of EpiPens
from the office,
wake that fucker up.
Come on. Let's go.
Well, looks like you got
a lot on your plate.
- I'ma take off.
- Craig, I promise,
there's a plan.
Gabriel, Angel, let's go.
If Rodney won't help,
we'll do this ourselves.
Suit up.

Hold on.
What do we need machetes for?
Yeah, I thought maybe
I missed a text or something.
Well, Jillian's been kidnapped
by that creepy swamp family.
So the machetes are for fighting?
I was hoping we could just
show up and wave 'em around,
look scary.
But if that doesn't work,
you want us to stab 'em?
- I mean
- Or cut part of them off?
I'm not exactly sure how
it's gonna go down, Angel.
I'm sorry, Mr. Foster,
but I have a family.
I can't be your Batman.
I quit.
I get that you're scared.
I'm scared too.
But this is for Jillian.
You love Jillian!
She started Margarita Mondays.
I hated Margarita Mondays,
but she pays me, so I couldn't say no.
Forced fun is not real fun.
I don't wanna die for my boss.
Nah, you guys don't have to quit.
I'll think of something else.
Sorry for asking.

- Hello?
- Hi, it's Brandy from carWOW.
- I was just calling to see
if you were still in
the market for a used vehicle,
because our fall-forward
sale's event
Aah! What the fuck?
I'm coming down.
What are you doing here, Prada,
and why'd you bring your own chair?
Because everything in here
obviously has bedbugs.
And I came to help you
save your partner.
Wait, seriously?
I didn't think you liked Jillian.
I don't. She's got shelter-dog vibes.
Then why are you gonna help save her?
Because in return,
you're going to help me
destroy my father.

If my dad goes down,
I take over Dominine.
If you help make that happen,
I'll give you your farm back,
free and clear.
- What's the catch?
- The catch is you help me.
I already said the catch.
Jesus, this is gonna be hard.
I feel like I'm explaining
what PDFs are to a cat.
Don't you like your dad?
You guys have so much in common.
You're the only two
people I've ever seen
throw lit matches at valets.
My father taught me everything I know.
He poured all his knowledge into me.
But when you finish a gallon of milk,
you don't leave
the empty carton lying around.
You throw it away.
My time has come.
Your time? You're 12.
You only think that 12 is young
because you're a dinosaur.
What are you, 34?
Yes, you're really good
at guessing ages.
But why should I trust you?
You've been really, really mean to me,
which I know sounds childish,
but it's true.
You should trust me
because I have the perfect plan,
and because you don't
really have any other options.
- Do you?
Okay. What do you need me to do?
My father recently made five payments
of $1,000,000 each
to a woman named Sophia.
That's why you mad.
You think he's having an affair.
No. I know he's having an affair.
His mistress bought me
a birthday gift,
but he's spending company funds
on her.
And if we can get proof,
the board will have to replace him.
Okay, so how do we get proof?
I hope you have a nice suit
because you're going to a party.
Predator Power party is epic.
There's a freaking shark.
Chomp, chomp, bitches.
Okay, so I just waited
for sliders behind Seth Green.
Predator Power party is insane.
Okay. Who's next? Come on up.
All right, say "Predator Power."
Predator Power.
All right, now say
Well, the suit thing was a mistake.
That's on me.
What are you doing here?
What happened to Jillian?
Nothing. It's fine.
I just
I needed get my mind off
all that drama.
You told me to come.
Yeah, that's the problem.
It's actually really suspicious
you took my suggestion.
I told him to come.
He's still employed by us.
And you know what my dad says,
"Time is money,
so time off is stealing."
Yeah, it just feels
like the Craig I know
would be off saving his friend.
Maybe you should worry about the fact
that the predatory hashtag
isn't even trending locally.
Go do your job.
How hard is it to come up
with a reasonable explanation
for why you're here?
Watch this.
I'm a sad farmer
who's never had a quiche.
I've had a quiche, Prada Lamonca.
Shh! I don't wanna be seen
talking to you.
Wait 15 seconds,
then meet me at the buffet.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi
That was only 12 seconds.
Nuh-uh, I used the Mississippi method.
- One Mississippi
- Shh!
Don't look at me.
Just stare straight forward
and pile your plate.
Do you know what
you're supposed to do?
Yeah, you made me
go over it 1,000 times.
Well, my confidence in you was shaken
after the whole suit debacle.
So as soon as it gets dark,
Rodney is gonna make
his big announcement.
- Ladies, gentlemen,
and Predators, thank y'all
so much for coming.
I stole a saw palmetto farm
from this dude Craig,
and now I'm gonna go fight
a shark for no real reason.
Yada, yada, yada. I'm a dream killer.
That's not what he's gonna say.
I was paraphrasing.
Do you wanna save your friend or not?
Fine, so as Rodney's giving
his electrifying,
logical introduction,
I sneak into the downstairs bathroom,
second door past the kitchen,
and hide.
Wouldn't it make more sense
for you to hide in the bathroom?
I feel like you're a lot
less conspicuous than I am.
I'm very conspicuous.
I have presence.
Also, I have my sober
companion watching over me
at all times.
Hi, Meryl.
[SCOFFS] Why don't people
in recovery wear makeup?
Aren't you a little young
to have a sober companion?
- Is everything okay?
- I had a period
of youthful rebellion when I was ten.
I'm past it. Keep going.
Okay, so Rodney comes in to change.
Now it's time to kill an animal
like a fucking psychopath!
- Craig.
- I can imagine your dad
calling himself a psychopath.
I bet he thinks that's cool.
Anyway, he leaves his phone in there.
- Which phone?
- Both of them,
his regular phone,
and the secret burner
he uses for illegal shit.
Then he locks the door
and gives the key to Isaiah
for safekeeping.
Hold on to this.
Then while he's off
murdering a shark
Grow up. It's not murder.
If the shark attacks first,
he's allowed to stand his ground.
This is Florida.
Okay, so while your
dad's off defending himself
against a shark aggressor,
I'll use the dongle you
gave me to copy his phone.
It'll take 14 minutes, which we have
because even if the fight ends early,
Rodney still has to pose for pictures
as some kind of activation
for the influencers.
Say "I'm a predator" on three.
- One, two, three.
- ALL: I'm a predator!
I leave, lock the door behind me,
and give you back the dongle.
Did I get that very simple plan right,
Prada Lamonca?
Jesus, how much food did you take?
It was a long plan. I had to stall.
Well, throw it away,
and make sure you're in the bathroom
by the time my dad
finishes his announcement.
Fucking Prada Lamonca.
Fucking portion police.
I'm eating this crab rangoon.
Fuck you.
Oh, holy shit.
Brock, what you doing here, man?
Oh, where the fuck else
would I be, huh?
It's only the influencer
event of the season.
Brother, I am just surfing trends
and riding the waves
where they take me.
Let's get you a drink, huh?
- Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, gotta get you involved here.
Maybe later we go smoke
a cigarette and touch tips.
Then I fucking worked
with those two ladies
who talk to each other,
which only led to more growth.
I mean, collabs beget collabs.
Anyway, guess how many
subscribers I have.
Let me give you a hint.
It rhymes with a million.
- A billion.
- Half a million!
- It's the same word.
- It's not a rhyme
- Half a million people.
Half a million people care
what I have to say about life,
love, not race.
That was a mistake.
I took that video down.
Nice, well, it sounds like
everything's going good
- for you, buddy.
- Hey, hey, hey.
You know what people
ask me about all the time?
That video where I
gave you and Jillian 20k.
Yeah, did huge numbers.
What do you say
we do a funny follow-up,
where, uh, I don't know,
maybe, uh, you pay me back?
Well, I don't have that cash anymore.
All right, fine. Then fuck it.
We'll do something else. We'll fuckin'
- shoot it right here.
- I'm not shooting a video
with you. I'm here for work.
And I gotta go.
Good luck with everything.
I need this.
Do you remember when I told
you that shit was awesome?
- Ten seconds ago.
- That was a fuckin' lie.
Shit is very much not awesome.
I mean, Corby went off to college
like a fucking show-off,
and my wife left me.
What about all your followers?
I need content.
I mean, they're fucking insatiable.
How much content can one man make?
I'm like a
like a moldy old grapefruit,
and they're just juicing me dry.
- Okay.
- I had one video
that got some traction,
where I shot a bottle rocket
out of my eye socket,
so I leaned into that gimmick.
Guess what fucking happened next.
Burned your face really bad?
No! Well, yes,
but I rebranded myself Socket Man.
I came up with a killer theme song,
and then fucking Elton
John's label sued me.
Now all my God damn
money goes to the lawyers.
Ladies, gentleman and Predators,
thank you all so much for coming.
- Tonight's all about
- Well, thank you
for that deeply depressing
download, Brock,
- but I really gotta go.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I didn't even get
invited to this party.
I lied and said
I was Jake Paul's uncle
- who does funny pornos.
- You think I'm doing well?
I'm working for Rodney Lamonca.
- I can't help you.
- Craig, please?
- I'm sorry, Brock. I gotta go.
- God damn it.
That slippery motherfucker! Fuck!

Jillian, are you okay?
Um, still kidnapped.
Just calling because
the Boones hadn't heard
from you, and they
want me to remind you
what will happen to me
if you don't get them
their insurance back.
- I know. I'm trying.
- They'll cut off my pinker.
Your picker!
Pinker isn't one of the options.
She's thinking of pinkie.
Well, I don't wanna lose
either of them.
Jillian, I really gotta go,
but I have a plan.
- It's all gonna to be okay.
- Thanks, Cra
I'm not trying to be mean, Meryl,
but a lash would go a long way.
Fuck you.
- Prada.
- Isaiah.
You're spending a lot
of time with my brother.
You're spending a lot
of time with my dad.
Hold on to this.
Hey, who wants to see me kill a shark
like a fucking psychopath, huh?

[CHANTING] Predator! Predator!
Predator! Predator!


This is so messed up.
Rodney Lamonca might die.
[CRIES] I don't know a lot about him,
but I do know that he has a mom.
And as a mom myself, it's just
really emotional, you know?
Oh, this is bad!
You guys, this is really bad.
Thanks for sending the hearts.
I love you guys.
What the fuck's going on?
Is there a doctor? Is anyone a doctor?
What happened?
The shark ate him.
The shark ate Rodney!
Is anyone a doctor here?
- I'm a pimple popper!
- I review lotions.
Let's go! Come on!
Is he dead?
What are you doing in there?
Everyone was screaming. I got lost.
- Wasn't that door locked?
- No.
I don't know. Who cares?
- Is Rodney dead?
- He's fuckin' fine.
Fine? A shark ate him.
What are you talking about?
[SIGHS] Motherfucker.
What the fuck?
You're okay? You weren't in the pool?
Of course I wasn't
in the fucking pool.
You think I'd get
in the water with a shark?
I mean, yes, you've been
bragging about it all day.
Well, you didn't listen close enough.
I said someone
is gonna fight the shark.
You said, "Where's the fish
I'm gonna murder?"
So I tricked you. [LAUGHS]
I don't understand. Who got eaten?
Stunt double.
We got the idea from Pitbull.
Well, how did this even happen?
I thought we're supposed
to get some dinky Muppet shark.
That you shot full of EpiPens.
No. No. This is not on me.
That legless fuck out there
said he could fight a shark.
If he couldn't do the job,
he shouldn't have taken the 300 bucks.
- That's all he got?
- Yeah, for, like,
five minutes of work.
Expand that out to eight hours a day,
five days a week,
52 weeks a year, that's
- Prada, what is that?
- 7.48 million.
I'm so sorry that I hired a guy
for 7.48 million dollars a year.
Now can we just focus up here?
I'm gonna look like
a giant pussy if I go out there
and admit that I faked the shark bite.
But if I do pretend
that I was in the pool,
people are gonna ask,
"Why does he still have legs?"
Solutions, go!
Come on. Use your brain, rapid-fire.
Let's go. Think, think, think.
First thing that comes
out of your head.
Stairs? You fucking dumb?
That was the first thing
that came to my mind.
You know, I'm just gonna
fix this myself, as usual.
- Behold!
I rise like Jesus Christ.
From the blood in the water,
I stand before you,
and that is the regenerative
power of Predator Pills,
ladies and gentlemen.

I did it to prove a point.
It was a stunt,
and the fake me is gonna be fine.
[MOANING] I'm gonna be okay.
Don't leave me, okay?
Well, that fucking ruled.
They ate that shit up.
You see their snouts?
They're wet with drool.
All right, let's bounce.
Where's my phone?
Right there.
No, my other phone.
They're both in the bathroom.
I have a secret phone
- with important shit on it.
- There was only one phone
in the bathroom, right, Craig?
Yeah. Yeah, that was the only one.
Someone took it.
I cannot lose my secret phone.
Activate the Omega Protocols.
- The what?
- The Jesus fucking Christ!
It's like I'm talking to a baby.
The Omega Protocols!
Lock down this party
right the fuck now!
Listen up! Party's over! Come here.
No one gets out of here
without gettin' searched.
- You got that?
- Let's go! Form a line!
Step up. Arms up.
Welcome to Omega Protocols,
- Step up.
- Why didn't you
- pocket the phone?
- Everyone was screaming.
I didn't know what was happening.
You didn't just assume the stunt guy
got eaten by the shark?
No, I did not assume that,
Prada Lamonca.
But listen, it finished copying.
Let's just put the phone back
and say we found it on the ground.
You think he's gonna fall for that?
Are you calling my dad stupid?
Why are you insulted?
You trying to destroy him.
To prove myself.
To win his love.
Dump the phone in the houseplant
and sneak the dongle out.
How? They have metal detectors.
Prada! Prada!
Hey, crazy what happened, right?
- Did you see it?
- Yeah, I saw it.
Went over there to help 'cause
I'm a wild animal expert.
I'm the one that said,
"Shark ate this guy's legs."
Well, I need your help,
not a big deal, tiny favor.
I was hoping you could stick
something in your eye socket.
I'll do the video with you.
Here's my counteroffer.
Go fuck yourself.
- Brock, please, we're friends.
- We are not friends.
You just wanna get in my socket
like all the rest.
- The rest of who?
- I gave you 20k.
You couldn't give me five minutes.
Why the fuck would I help you?
Jillian is in danger.
What the hell are you talking about?
So we started our farm.
Then there were these snails.
Then I had to make a side deal
with these crazy swamp
criminals to survive.
Then Isaiah screwed me over
and sold me out to Rodney.
God damn, you getting
fucked in every hole.
You have no idea.
The second our business
got even a tiny bit of success,
people showed up trying to take it.
All these predators,
fighting over my carcass,
ripping me to shreds.
All right, yeah. Fuck it.
- I'll help.
- Oh, my God.
- Thank you, Brock.
- In exchange
for part ownership of your farm.
- What?
- You gave
a very effective little speech.
Gave me an idea. People are predators.
I need to be a predator.
That wasn't supposed
to be your takeaway.
Well, it was. 5%.
Are you in, or are you out?

Hey, not to be a
backseat driver, but I think
the dongle's sticking out
of your socket a little.
Oh, come on.
No one's gonna notice that.
People been trained
their whole life to look away
from those with disabilities.
I remind them of their frailty,
so they just ignore me.
Pretty much get away with anything.
It fucking rules. [LAUGHS]
Does it hurt having stuff up there?
Mm, not really.
I mean, I get dizzy from time to time
and my spine hurts
if I push it into far.
I can't form any short-term memories.
- Big deal.
- Arms up.
It's okay. I work for Rodney.
There's no one I trust less
than the people who work for me.
Wand him.
He's clear.
Hey, thanks for the party, Rodney.
It was memorable.
There he is, huh, the fucking legend.
Check the patch.
Oh, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I don't want that cancer stick
up near my brain.
All right, then lift it up.
Let's see that hole.
All right, well,
as long as you don't mind
- being grossed out.
- The only thing
that grosses me out
is a pregnant woman.
Fucking placenta,
fuck that shit.
Lift it.

- He's good.
- All right.
Thanks for the party.
That was gross.
- [LAUGHS] Ho, ho, ho, yeah.
- Whoa.
- Holy shit, Brock
- Yeah.
That was some David Blaine shit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where'd you hide the dongle?
Did you palm it?
Nah, just shoved it deeper
in the socket
when I took the patch off.
- Oh, deep-socketed it. Damn.
- Yeah.
You good?
No problem.
Yeah, just
yeah, just having a little, uh,
a little balance
a little balance thing here.
Just might have shoved it
in there a little too deep.
[GROANS] Oh, shit!
Brock? Brock?
Brock! Brock!

He just woke up.
His vitals look good.
We think he's gonna be all right.
Except the doctor made me promise
to stop sticking stuff in the socket.
Good, I've been telling you
that for the last year, Dad.
And you're not a doctor, Corby.
You're a fuckin' child
majoring in sports management.
Look, it doesn't matter
if this is the end
of my YouTube career
'cause I'm a farmer now.
Nurse, I think he's having a stroke.
No, no, no. I'm winkin' at you.
Well, I don't even have the farm
until we get that dongle
to Prada Lamonca.
Speaking of which,
what happened to the thing
that was stuck in his socket?
Oh, I gave it to his old neurologist.
- He came by to check on him.
- Neurologist?
- I don't have a neurologist.
- Yes, you do.
He was just here, Dr. Todd.
Who the fuck is Dr. Todd?

Oh, shit!

Dark woman in the water drowning ♪
Sinking in a funny way ♪

Black footing full of faces
floating ♪
Mimicking our final days ♪
The ocean will have us all ♪
The ocean will have us all ♪

Dead forest with the moon arising ♪
Smiling at you out of reach ♪

Cracked window
in a chapel dreaming ♪
Hoping while they drain 'em each ♪
Barracuda, barracuda ♪
Won't you lay down
your life for me? ♪
Won't you love me, barracuda? ♪
If you always need to bring out ♪
The worst in me ♪

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
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