King of the Hill s02e07 Episode Script

The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg

Wait a minute.
There! One of the leaves just moved.
You're shoving it with the nozzle, Bill.
Well, that's what you get for buying a Japanese leaf-blower.
It's built for blowing those little bonsai bushes and cherry blossoms.
For crying out loud, it's 5:30.
Will you punks turn off that racket-maker? It's called a leaf-blower, Pops.
Runs on a newfangled device called the gasoline engine.
What the hell's wrong with using a rake, you lazy punks? A rake, you say? I never heard of a rake.
Have you, Bill? Nope, must have been before our time.
I tell you what, man.
I seen a dang old rake over at that there Smithsonian next to Lincoln's hat and Archie's chair, dang old caveman section.
Don't you cuss at me, Jimmy Dean.
I'll set my dog on you.
See ya, Pops.
Keep watching Touched By An Angel.
Here comes the shut-in.
Lucky kid.
The doctor says getting chicken pox at the age of 12 could cause sterility in weaker children.
My Joseph better not be sterile.
I need my seed to live on.
Certain plans of mine require additional Gribbles.
Bobby, I'm proud of you.
Getting over the chicken pox is a milestone.
So to celebrate, you can do anything you want.
How about we go to the Family Fun Center? Yay! The Family Fun Center.
They have go-carts and skeeball and mini-golf.
I like their blood-pressure machine.
Can we, Dad? Oh, boy! There goes that rock band again.
That's not rock.
It's okay if you only know three chords but, God, put them in the right order.
That noise has been giving Nancy headaches all week.
Then yesterday, her back broke out in scratch marks.
Well, I'll go over and straighten them out.
Yuck! I wonder if that music is what killed this grass.
Fellas, could I have your attention, please? Wow! Cane Skretteburg! You're that 12th-grader who put "Don't" on all the stop signs.
- Peace.
- Wow! Fellas, my name is Hank Hill, and I'm the block captain.
Now, it's not that I don't like music, it's just that Now cut that out.
This is serious.
My Lord! You've got five plugs in one outlet, here.
Does your father know you're doing this? My dad's dead.
I'm sorry, I didn't know.
My condolences.
Does your mother know you're doing this? My mom's in prison for killing my dad.
Okay, I get it.
You're joking.
Well, I've got a sense of humor.
I laugh at Tony Danza.
Of course, if you aren't joking, I feel bad and I apologize.
All right, that's it.
- I'm gonna count to three - One, two, three! I'm not horsing around here! Lucky for you, I don't have time for this right now! Come on, Bobby.
Let's go to the Fun Center! Fun Center! Fun Center! Fun Center! Fun Center! Please, Dad.
Can we please play paintball? Now hold on a minute.
Let's see.
They give you kids guns and let you shoot at each other? Yeah, okay.
Kids will be out there an hour or two.
- We can get in some nice, relaxed - Ball guy.
Dad! These older guys cornered us in a hole and they kept firing and firing.
They made us eat leaves.
What? Who did this to you? Cane Skretteburg! Yeah, I'm a singer.
Got my own band.
Playing next week at the Park 'n' Ride.
Wow! This is a really good X erox of you.
Hey, you.
What is wrong with you, picking on little kids like that? How would you like it if someone bigger and stronger shot you up, you little freak? Cane Skretteburg has never been shot.
Damn right.
And the first guy to do it is not gonna be some fat old desk jockey.
Desk jockey? I am a finely tuned ex-high-school athlete.
I spent four years holding guys like you upside down over toilets.
I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room.
You still can't beat us.
What do you say? You want to teach some punks a little respect? - Yeah.
- Very little.
Your goal is to capture the blue flag from over there, and bring it back here.
When you get hit, you're dead.
All right, men.
Let's paint some ass.
L think we're closing in on them.
Only talk if you have something important to say.
I got some important news in the mail this morning.
Did you know that, thanks to Colonial Valley I can purchase term life insurance for only pennies a month? Boy, I'm glad I opened that immediately.
- You gonna do it, Bill? - I can't afford not to.
This is it, guys.
Everybody hunker down.
Okay, men.
This is no time to go easy on these punks.
That's the mistake their parents made.
They're over here.
I heard the bald guy split his pants.
Drop your weapons or suffer the consequences! - What? We lost the game already? - March, prisoners.
Now, wait a minute.
No one told us anything about prisoners.
Where's that damn ref? Halt.
Attention, golfers.
We have captured your comrades! Keep your eyes on the ball.
Nothing going on here.
Just teaching some punks a lesson.
That's my dad.
On your knees, prisoners! It's the rules.
You're not cheaters, are you? These kinds of games go back and forth, like basketball.
They're in the lead now, but we're coming back.
Wait a minute.
You can't just execute my men.
Later, Pops.
"Pops"? God, how humiliating.
Later, Pops.
Afternoon, everybody.
Who wants a cold one? You want a cold one? Got some cold ones here.
They're cold.
That sure is cold, all right.
Maybe I should've brought mittens.
My dang old mittens, man.
How long are we going to keep up this false charade? "Cha-rahd"? Man.
I tell you what.
That word's pronounced "charade.
" I need a cold one.
You want a cold one? Here's a cold one for you.
I hope you're all happy.
There's no cold ones left for me.
Open up your eyes, man.
You're holding a beer.
You call this beer? "Guatemalica"? - Who bought this stuff? - Not me.
Of course not.
Bill, buy beer? No need to do that when you got friends to mooch off of.
Some friends you are.
When my wife left me 'cause I was lazy and dependent did even one of you find me a new one? No.
Stop it.
I can't stand fighting.
Yeah, we know that.
You showed that on the paintball field.
I am not a coward.
Dang old bully, man, y'all.
What are you doing? I'm helping Bobby look like Cane.
He's so cool.
He said I could be the Stubborn Stains' groupie.
The word is "roadie," Bobby.
He meant "roadie.
" At least, I hope to God.
For goodness sake, just put on your glasses.
Only old people need glasses to read.
I use mine to drive and run and jump.
Hank, I am giving you a look.
- What is it? - Those kids.
- I can't take it anymore.
- So tell them to knock it off.
Who, me? I've already got my slippers off.
Maybe you should tell them.
Have you forgotten who you are? You are Hank freaking Hill the man who won the Texas Propane Association Blue Flame of Valor Award.
The man who drove raccoon after raccoon out of our attic armed only with a broom handle and a pillowcase.
The man whose sperm struggled through that tiny urethra God cursed you with to create our wonderful son.
Now, you go back out there, and get yourself a rematch.
You really think we could beat them this time? Well, I know a few raccoons who'd say: "Hank Hill can do anything he puts his mind to.
" Anything? Dad, the raccoons are back.
Rematch? I thought we agreed never to discuss the horrors that we saw on the killing fields of the Fun Center.
This is not over.
We're not losers, and we're not quitters.
Those paintballs really hurt, don't they? I mean, I'm just saying what everybody thinks, right? The way I see it, we're at a critical moment here.
Is this when we start turning into the weird old guys of the block who can't open up their doors without finding a flaming fudge bag on the mat? Or do we fight back? Yeah.
I think we should fight.
We fight back a lot hard, too.
If you got any guts, you'll be there.
Sorry, Pops.
My car broke down.
If you've got any guts, you'll be there.
- Yeah.
- All right, men.
Let's go.
I'm gonna get those guys.
Well, at least this time one of us got a shot off.
Sorry, Bill.
Yes, sirree.
Then it's agreed.
We're old.
Get used to it.
You're in for the downhill ride of your life.
With Colonial Valley you can get $40,000 of stroke coverage just for signing up.
That's not chump change.
And you can never be denied coverage based on what you eat.
Well, I guess I'd better check this out.
It's never too early to think about dying.
Somebody needs a touch up.
Those damn kids.
We said we were old.
What do they want from us? It's just kids having their fun, Hank.
Don't try to figure them out, they can't be figured.
Just shake your fist at them like this.
They won't come back.
Looks like they want a second coat! All right, ladies! L thought you said they wouldn't come back.
If I could understand teenagers I wouldn't get my mailbox knocked over every week.
- Maybe that's it.
- What's it? If we don't want to end up feeble and helpless like Pops we've got to do what he never did: understand the mind of a teenager.
Observe its habits, learn its ways.
That's how we beat those punks.
Who's Pops? "Teenagers can be so cruel.
" Okay, Pimples, hop on up.
Buckley, I'm going to Cane's concert as his special guest, not his girlfriend.
I don't know.
I don't trust this guy.
Well, if you're so worried, come with me.
Cane told me to bring a friend for the drummer.
You mean it? Stock boy, we need some sugar in Aisle 3.
Oh, snap.
"Teenagers are clumsy around girls.
" Jerkwad.
You sprayed poison on my veggie wrap.
"Teenagers show no respect for a man in uniform.
" Hey, Pops! How did you know to find us here? Well, it's a school day, isn't it? So, you ready for a fresh coat? You boys seem pretty sure of yourselves.
Maybe you'd like to put a little wager on today's match.
Well, what do you have in mind? Let's make the stakes high for both of us.
You put up your amplifier, and I'll put up Bill's leafblower.
All right, you got a deal.
Guys, where are you? I twisted my ankle.
Time out, everyone! Guys? Seriously, I give up.
Don't shoot.
You were right, Bill.
Teenagers are cruel.
They'll pick on the slowest, heaviest Well, the important thing is you were right, Bill.
I still don't see why I had to be the decoy.
You were gonna get shot anyway.
Still Hi.
It's Luanne.
How're you doing? What, me? Leave a message after the beep.
Beep, beep, beep! Dang, man.
You've got to watch that friendly fire, man.
You don't need to doggone frag me, like I'm a dang old I can't help it.
They trained me too well.
I am the most efficient killing machine the world has ever Three down and one to go.
Did you see some potbellied old guy with loser glasses come huffing past here? Sure.
He's traveling up the creek bed to cover his tracks.
And, young fella, you lose.
His scoop's bigger.
I think you're gonna enjoy the world of acoustics.
This sucks! Who could that be? Good Lord! That could start a fire.
Now what's happening? He's stomping it good.
There's doodies in there, right? There sure is, Pops.
There sure is.
Dad, the raccoons are back!