King of the Hill s02e20 Episode Script

Junkie Business

??[rock 'n' roll music playing] and the employee of the month is [stomach growling] uh, lookie here.
I--i'm sorry, folks.
My breakfast burrito is fixing to say adios.
What say we finish this ceremony in my back office? Office ? [all groaning] (buck) our employee of the month is hank hill.
Congratulations, hank.
That's 41 times in a row.
uh, Thank you, sir.
I wish you could see the expression on my face.
But you can't.
Meeting adjourned, y'all.
[toilet flushing] finally.
Oh, oh, hey, one more thing, hank.
We need to hire a new accessories associate.
Well, I'll put together a shortlist of candidates for you.
Nah, you're the quarterback of this panty raid.
You make the pick.
You want me to choose the next member of team strickland? Well, this is a heck of an honor, buck.
Don't let me down, hank.
You do, it'll be like spitting in my face 41 times in a row.
Are you married? My wife passed awa y 2 years ago.
That's good, bobby.
Keep throwing me curveballs.
Ask another one.
Well, here's one that gets at the heart of the matter.
We're all christians here.
How about you? Hank, you can't ask that question in an interview.
It's against the law.
You can't ask about age, race, religion, or sexual affiliation.
Well, it's the legal equivalent of asking a woman how much she weighs.
Why don't you just hire me, dad? [laughs] that's good, son.
Keep throwing those curveballs.
If you could eat at luly's with one of the following, would it be, a: jesus.
B: mohammed.
C: golda meir.
uh, I--I don't eat at luly's.
They use lard.
Uh, Mr.
Harrington , you seem to have a few gaps here in your work history.
Well, '33 to '45, f.
Was in the white house.
So I was on the welfare, you know.
And in the '60s, you had, uh, kennedy and l.
, so I was on the welfare.
And then from '77 to '81, jimmy carter, so I was on the welfare.
Dale, what're you doing here? I have killed all the bugs in arlen.
It is time for me to take on new challenges.
My resume "a".
"1984 to present: gribble and sons propane, yuma, arizona.
" Dale, I've known you since we were in first grade.
You don't know me.
I am unknowable.
[sighs] mario montalvo.
My name is maria.
Oh, my! I'm terribly sorry.
Uh, you have to understand this job requires a certai n comfort level with barbecues, so I just assumed this was a typo.
Uh, let me double-check.
Mario! There is no man named mario.
There is only i, a woman named maria.
Well, how do you like that? As I walked through your accessories department, I could not help noticing you feature the wagner char king.
You know about the king? Dual side grills, 3 center racks, 35,000 b.
's of propane-powered fury.
As an accessories associate, it is my job to know.
Well, uh, your qualifications are impressive, but I do have one last puzzler.
Montalvo, you're at the troy aikman fantasy sports camp.
It's the toughest 14 days you'll ever love and on the bus ride home-- Excuse me.
Who's troy aikman? On the one hand, she boote d the aikman question, on the other, she knew about the char king.
Wh-when you say "she," ar-are you talking about a woman? .
Yes, bill.
Maria montalvo maria montalvo.
I worked with her in arizona.
She's no damn good.
Yeah, well, these days, you gotta be careful about working with a girl, uh, woman.
Why, in the army, you could get in big trouble for harassing a woman.
Even if you're her superior officer.
, Yeah, man, I tell you what , man, you go to work with a woman nowadays, man , you gotta pull duty like a kathleen willey .
slick willie, man.
Dang ol' willy wonka, wonk, wonk, wonk, wonk well, she's more qualified than any other applicant.
But that only goes so far.
I mean, what are w e gonna talk about? Our feelings? Peggy, there's something I've gotta tell you.
I interviewed a woman today, and Apparently, she's very handsome.
She's also extremely well-qualified and sharp as a tack.
But don't worry, i'm not gonna hire her why would I worry? I feel for her.
If people had been afraid to hire me because I'm pretty and smart, I would have never gotten where I am today.
[sighs] I just don't know what the rules are anymore, peggy.
If bob cecil made a big sale, I could give him a pat on the back or something.
How can I do that with maria montalvo? Oh, please, honey.
Women are nothing to be afraid of.
Just give her a hug.
Just put your arms around her like this.
[sighs] I don't know, peg.
What if she gets her cheek up against mine, like this? hmm.
Well, in that case, you can just start to struggle politely, like this.
[moaning] [peggy giggling] [sighs] i'll keep your resume on file, ms.
Hi, I came about your ad.
My name's leon petard.
Hey, cowboys, all right! Leon, you just answere d my first 6 questions.
There's just one more thin g I'd like to know.
What do you think of propane? Well, sir, phew.
I probably shouldn't say this, because it sounds kind of crazy.
But after god, country and family, what I love most is propane and propane paraphernalia.
Son, if that's crazy, you've just walked into a funny farm.
Welcome to the team.
(hank) leon's perfect, peggy.
He's like bobby without all that stuff bobby does.
Yeah, what about that woma n you were gonna hire? You said she was the most qualified of the whole bunch.
Oh, you don't have to worry about that, I passed her over.
[gasps] so you were attracted to her.
What? Oh, you must think she's one hot tamale if you couldn't even stand to have her in the office.
Peggy, I didn't hire her.
She's gone.
I'll never see her again! Uh-huh.
Except when you close your eyes and kiss me, right? ? Is that what you're saying ??[humming] [sighs] leon, where have you been? You're over 3 hours late.
I wasn't late, I was early .
I got here at What time do we open? 8:00.
Yeah, I got here at 7:00.
And you weren't here, so I went to get some coffee, right? But the waitress, it turns out her dog was sick, so I thought, "hey, "if I take her dog to the vet, she might buy some propane.
" You know, from us.
So there's this line at the vet .
because of this farm accident they're trying to keep it quiet, so you might not hear about it.
But here I am .
with a customer's dog and I just can't leave her so I promise I'll never come to work early again.
Well, that sure is a long story.
Yeah, that's how you know it's true so, let's sell some gas! Team strickley rules! [whooping] we work as a team here at strickland.
There are 15 of us, counting you.
15, wow.
What's this thing called again? .
Uh, actually, I haven't told you about this grill yet, leon it's called the wagner char king, and it's the crown jewel-- Yes, char king.
I remember.
It's almost lunch time, right? Well, it's getting close, I guess.
Great, great, great.
Hey, it's the char king.
??[spanish music playing on t.
] [gasping] [groaning] no, dios mio! Vaya con dios.
uh, Hey, leon, you might want to unwrap that sandwich now.
Lunch has been over for about 20 minutes.
Ok, coach.
"vaya con dios.
" [laughing] [sighs] ok, then.
[crying] hey, hank, how's your new hire doing? Oh, I just think he's gonn a work out great, sir.
Yeah, well, I could've sworn I saw him over by the trucks puking his guts out.
Well, he's pretty excited about working in propane, sir.
But once he sells his first grill, those highs and lows will smooth out.
Well, I hope they do.
Remember, hank, he's wearing the name strickland over his man-teat.
[ringing] t-man? oh.
"strickland propane.
Taste the heat, not the meat.
" Lord, no! Hello.
Oh, uh, hello, ms.
I want to sincerely apologize.
Our slogan is, "taste the meat, not the heat.
" I hope our error has not inconvenienced you and Uh-huh.
Well, I hope in the future you'll be a customer again "taste the meat, not the heat.
" "taste the meat, not the heat.
" .
Meat, heat, meat, heat [leon grunting] [sighs] (man on t.
) fans of mexican soap operas know him as the evil monsignor martinez, but off-screen, this man of the cloth makes cloth into his own line of casual pants.
t Bobby, how would you like to help me ou around the shop for a few days? I can't pay you, but you can have all the snacks you want.
We've got fruit pies, pretzels, all kind s of newtons.
You had me at "fruit pies.
" Leon, this is bobby.
He's gonna be helping you out today.
Oh, that's great, that's great.
Because I am just bursting with ideas right now.
Ok, listen up.
I got a whole new filing plan.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Oh, god! There's more files here than there are stars in the universe.
This would go a lot faster if you helped.
I can't do this.
You do it.
[whimpering] (peggy) what's the matter, bobby? You haven't even touched your marrow.
I have to do all the work because dad's new employee is a drug addict.
Now, bobby, leon's a little slow on the draw, but that doesn't mean he's on drugs.
You got to trust m e on this.
s When you've heard as many former athlete lecture at your school as I have, you get to kno w all the signs.
t You hired a drug addic instead of that beautiful chicana? My god, hank, how badl y did you want that woman? Now, just hold on here.
Leon's credentials are top-notch, even if they are from the nonprofit sector.
"6 months at helping hands institute.
One year at covenant place.
" Those are detox centers.
Centers? No, look right here.
" "place.
" [gasps] uncle hank, you're in denial.
Yeah, dad.
You're what too tall jones called "a codependent enabler.
" [sighs] well, leon does do a lot of vomiting, even for a new employee.
Ah, now, mrs.
Throckmorton, with our new electronic debit system, you never even have to check your bill.
Oh, my, that does sound convenient.
Uh-huh, we take the money right out of your account.
oh! [giggling] what in the sam hill! Oh, no! This is your new accessories associate? Jeez, hank, he's a drooling nincompoop.
Don't worry, sir.
He's as good as gone.
Well, make sure you don't disgruntle him.
g We don't want him showing up tomorrow mornin punching the clock with a .
You know, leon, maybe you don't have the tools that an accessories associate needs.
You need to find a job you can do with your tools I've got a ratchet set I haven't pawned yet.
Yup, you have a lot of things you can do with a good ratchet set.
Maybe you can work on trucks.
wow! I don't know what to say.
Hank, as your new chief mechanic, what I'd like to do first is fire enrique.
Leon, what I'm trying to say is, you're a drug user, and there's no place for you at strickland propane.
As of 5:00, you're fired.
Oh, no! Here.
It's a rehab center.
Son, why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off, and get yourself some help? [tires screeching] [door opens] leon's in the parking lot, and he looks disgruntled.
(employee #1) hit the deck! (employee #2) sweet jesus! [hank gasping] [door opens] i'm sorry I have to do this, coach.
Hello, Mr.
Anthony page, group leader, one last chance house.
Are you aware that you hired a drug addict? .
I am now.
That's why I fired him oh, yeah.
You're in trouble, all right.
It's against the law to fire this man.
He's a drug addict.
? Are you sure you don't want to shoot me thanks for the latte, leon.
You have to re-hire this man, Mr.
Legally, drug addictio n is a disability.
And now that leon's in rehab, the law prohibits you from firing him.
Rehab? Since when? Since 4:30 yesterday afternoon.
And I wasn't officially fired till 5.
This is the americans with disabilities act.
It ensures that no person, no matter how disadvantaged, how short, or obese, or blind, or gay, or even stoned, can be discriminated against, once his healing has begun.
Hell, right now I'd kill for a big, fat, blind, gay guy, if we could just get some damn work done around here! I can't believe this.
Well, I may be stuck with you, but you're stuck with me, too.
And there's gonna be some changes around here.
You will be here at 8:00 sharp from now on.
8:00? Uh, anthony Mmm-mmm.
8:00's not going to work for leon.
He's got withdrawal therapy until 11:00.
But then I take my methadone, so I should be feeling pretty good by the time I get here.
What? I'm not going to let you come to work late all hopped up on goofanthol.
And he'll need to have the lights dimmed.
His pupils will be dilating pretty big by 12:30.
What kind of game are you trying to play here? It's not a game, sir.
It's the law.
And we win.
[whooping] let's see.
"any company with 15 employees or more "must make reasonable accommodations for their disabled workers.
" I can't believe i'm getting hog-tied by a dope freak.
Well, of course you could have hired maria montalvo.
The only accommodation she would've needed from you was a slobber-guard.
Now, if you can get her of f your mind for 2 seconds, .
maybe we can get some sleep oh, god.
Now, please.
That's great.
I'm gonna go throw up now, coach.
Hank, I got a bone to pick with you.
How come jimi hendrix gets a futon in his work station? Because he's disabled, joe jack.
It's all there in the fine print.
Come on.
You've got propane to haul.
Honey, I'm too mad to drive a truck.
It's almost like my anger is Handicapping me.
Joe jack.
[grunting] [bell tinkling] customer.
Jason, can you get that? Sorry, hank, I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder.
If I get out of this chair, garth brooks is gonna die.
(hank) joe jack, can you get that customer? [laughing] much too angry, honey.
Melinda, a little help, please? [groaning] too bloated.
Oh, heck, i'll do it myself.
[groans] what the hey is going on here? shh.
[sighs] it's leon.
Now all my employees want in on that damn americans with disabilities act.
She shushed me debbie's got the yuppie flu and hector claims he has something called priapism.
He wants a roomier work station and a view of debbie.
Nobody shushes me.
Hank, you cannot stand by while these greedy pig s suck the life out of strickland propane.
Anybody's disabled if you think hard enough.
, Hey, if we catch this guy doing drugs on the job we can fire him.
So, here's the deal.
Put on your fancy clothes, hop a greyhound to dallas and buy every pill, pipe, powder you can find, see? You spread the stuff aroun d like roach traps, then we'll get that boy hooked again.
With all due respect, sir, I have a better plan.
Hello, Mr.
Hill, I came as quick as I could from your message it sounded as if you'd become the victim of some kind of discrimination.
That's right, anthony.
You see, I recently came to realize that i, too, suffer from a disability.
It's called "g.
" Good worker syndrome.
I get sick to my stomach unless everyone around me is giving 110 percent.
The symptoms include pride, responsibility and a feverish enthusiasm.
It used to be a common condition among americans.
ew! People like you, who abuse the system, ruin it for the rest of us : the truly disabled.
I'm leaving.
Call me if he gives you any more trouble, leon.
Don't call me leon anymore.
That's the name I used drugs with.
From now on, I want to be called, um, hank hill.
No! No, that's too far.
I cannot accommodate that.
I won't.
It's not up to you, hank.
It's up to hank.
This man is not your slave .
You don't get to name him.
All right, hank, get yourself a bus ticket to dallas.
I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice there's only room for one hank hill at strickland propane.
I quit.
What? Wh-what am I gonna do now? Whatever you want, buck.
With me gone, you're down to 14 employees.
And that makes this your business, not the government's.
huh! Wait.
Hot dang, hank! You've done it! .
Uh, thank you, sir not you, you're fired.
] [both gasp now strickland's just small enough to skirt the law.
You all get back to work.
Debbie, you just lie right there.
Well, son, you pulled our wieners out of the campfire just in time.
[laughs] well, I guess I did, buck.
Yeah, so let's get this over with, hank.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Proudly serving as assistant manager of strickland propane.
Welcome back, son.
You're re-hired.
After a 6 month probation period, you will be eligible for vacation and benefits.
Probation? Oh, yeah, you gotta understand my position here.
Last couple of hank hills I had, one of them was a druggo, the other quit on me.
Oh, hey, say howdy to our new accessories associate.
I am so happy to be working with you, hank.
[shuddering] peggy's in the parking lot .
She looks disgruntled.
[screaming] are we starting a recycling program? Uh, not Not as such.
No, it's, well, uh It's for, uh Have you ever been to the doctor, and the doctor gave you a cup? Yes, but that was to pee in.
[laughs nervously] yeah.
You can go now .
(jason) hank, if you don't give me another cup, the oak ridge boys are gonna die.
(man) oh, no!