King of the Hill s04e20 Episode Script
Meet the Propaniacs
1 MM-HMM.
SO, YOU SAY LINDA DID YOUR TOES? SHE'S A BUTCHER.
HEY, YOU WANT TO DO THE NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD PUZZLE? IT'S WHAT NEW YORK COUPLES DO EVERY SUNDAY.
LIKE TONY RANDALL AND HIS WIFE.
( gasping ) I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING THIS SUMMER.
LANGUAGE CAMP AT MIDDLEBURY? IT'S NOT AS MUCH FUN AS THAT AD MAKES IT LOOK.
NO.
THE STAGEDOOR PINES THEATER CAMP.
"PERFORM COMEDY AT A REAL FORMER CATSKILLS RESOR "WITH COUNSELORS WHOSE CREDITS INCLUDE THE MIKE DOUGLAS SHOW AND MAKE ME LAUGH.
" I DON'T KNOW, BOBBY.
IT'S STILL GOT THE WORD "CAMP" IN IT.
THERE MIGHT BE SOME SPORTS.
EH.
I'LL FAKE A GROIN PULL.
OH, I'VE SEEN THIS DATELINE.
THAT GUY SNEEZES INTO THE MEAT.
BOBBY, DID YOUR GRANDFATHER SEND YOU MORE OF THOSE GENTLEMEN'S MAGAZINES? THE NEW YORK TIMES MAGAZINE? PUBLISHED BY THE NEW YORK TIMES NEWSPAPER? OH, BOBBY.
I WASN'T READING THE ARTICLES.
THERE IS THIS CAMP I WANT TO GO TO.
SEE? SUMMER COMEDY CAMP? I'M SORRY, BOBBY I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT IS BUT I'M STILL GOING TO HAVE TO SAY NO.
AND I ALREADY PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU WITH MR.
STRICKLAND ABOUT WORKING WITH ME THIS SUMMER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A TANK WIPE.
SURE YOU DO.
WHY DON'T YOU COME BY AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW AND HELP US GET READY FOR THE BIG GRILL-STRAVAGANZA SALE? YOU'LL BE PAID IN EXPERIENCE, AND THAT IS TAX-FREE.
NOW, THIS FIXED MAXIMUM LIQUID LEVEL GAUGE, ON THE OTHER HAND IS FOR PROPANE TANKS THAT HAVE A DIP TUBE WELDED IN THE VESSEL, OR WHERE MOUNTING IS TO BE DONE AT THE MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE FILLING LEVEL.
ANY QUESTIONS SO FAR, BOBBY? WHAT'S A DIP TUBE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY VESSEL WHAT'S THE MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE FILLING LEVEL AND ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME FOR A COFFEE BREAK? I'M FADING HERE.
( playing "Wipeout" drum riff) ( rhythmic chortling ) WIPEOUT.
BOBBY, STOP IT.
THOSE ARE PROPANE ACCESSORIES AND YOU WILL TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT.
I MAY HAVE BEEN ON THE PHONE WITH OUR 12th- LARGEST CUSTOMER WHILE YOU WERE IN HERE HORSING AROUND BUT SOMEONE WAS WATCHING.
Bobby: "GOOD WISHES.
"TEXAS PROPANE DEALERS ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT CHARLIE FORTNER.
" YUP.
HE'S THE SINGLE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN TEXAS PROPANE.
HE'S WHAT FRITZ KUBIACK IS TO THE COUNTY UTILITY BOARD.
SO I HEARD.
I WONDER IF FORTNER AND KUBIACK ARE ALLOWED TO FLY ON THE SAME PLANE? ( sighing softly ) BUCK, CODE DOUBLE RED.
WE JUST SOLD OUR LAST VOGNER CHAR-KING IMPERIALE.
WHERE'S THE DANG TRUCK WITH OUR RESUPPLY? IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AN HOUR AGO.
I DON'T KNOW, I EXCUSE ME.
I AM HERE TO BUY A VOGNER CHAR-KING IMPERIALE AS ADVERTISED.
MY SATISFACTION DEPENDS ON IT.
DALE, GO HOME.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
NO, NO, THERE WAS NO SWITCH.
NO SWITCH.
IT'S, IT'S BAIT AND BAIT.
BAIT AND BAIT.
WE HAVE MANY OTHER EXCELLENT GRILLS.
TELL YOUR DADDY TO THROW IN HIS APRON.
THIS WEENIE ROAST HAS GONE BYE-BYE.
WAIT A SEC.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
SPATULAS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOW! HOT.
BOBBY? FOLLOW MY LEAD.
I AM THE GREAT GAS HEAD.
HE'S THE GREAT GAS HEAD.
I'M THE GREAT GAS HEAD, AND I'M HERE TO SAY GRILLS ARE COMING, AND THEY'RE ON THE WAY OH, DEAR LORD.
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF PROPANE, BOBBY.
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF PROPANE.
A WHOLE TRUCKFUL, AND THAT'S NOT A FEW 20 TO 40,000 B.
T.
U.
( rhythmic grunt ) ( laughter ) ( laughing ) YOU'RE LAUGHING? ( laughing ): WELL, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S IT'S JUST THAT HE'S GOT THAT TANK, AND "GREAT GAS HEAD.
" I LOVE IT.
GOD HELP ME, I LOVE IT.
I THANK YOU.
I THANK YOU.
GO, BOBBY.
BOBBY, YOU'RE A FUNNY BOY.
I USED TO CHASE SKIRT WITH YOUR GRANDDADDY.
HE'S A MEAN KIND OF FUNNY.
POINT IS, YOU KEPT 'EM LAUGHING TILL THE TRUCK CAME.
I'M THINKING MAYBE WE COULD SEND THOSE FELLAS UP TO STRICKLAND NORTH.
IT'S LIKE A FUNERAL PARLOR EVERY TIME I WALK IN THERE.
YEAH, WE COULD DO A FEW SKETCHES A LITTLE IMPROV, WEAR SOME WIGS.
AND YOU WILL BE CALLED THE PROPANE MANIACS.
NO! NO.
THE PROPANIACS! THAT'S GREAT, BOBBY.
HERE'S TO THE PROPANIACS.
All: THE PROPANIACS! THE PROPANE MANIACS! I CALLED THE ASSISTANT MANAGER UP AT STRICKLAND NORTH.
THINGS ARE BAD UP THERE, BOBBY.
IT'S IN THE HEART OF CHARCOAL COUNTRY.
I SHOULD PROBABLY WORK UP SOME MORE GAS-RELATED MATERIAL.
YOU KNOW, DAD, IT'S WEIRD BUT, I DON'T EVEN, UM, TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT PROPANE IS.
WELL, NO ONE WILL EVER TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SWEET LADY PROPANE, BUT HERE'S WHAT WE DO KNOW.
IT'S DEFINED CHEMICALLY AS C-3-H-8 AND HAS AN ENERGY CONTENT OF FLAME WEEDING, TOBACCO CURING, AND DEFOLIATION.
ALL PROPANE IS PRODUCED FROM TWO SOURCES-- CRUDE OIL ALL RIGHT! NOW WE'RE TALKING.
CRUDE OIL'S GOT THE "K" SOUND.
I COULD WORK WITH THAT.
YOU SEE, YOUR "K" IS YOUR FUNNIEST SOUND.
KETCHUP, KANGAROO, KRUG VAPOR COMPRESSOR KRUG COMPRESSOR.
( chuckling ) THERE'S TWO "K" SOUNDS IN THAT ONE.
AH HUH, SO THAT'S HOW COMEDY WORKS, HUH? IT'S ALSO CRUCIAL TO END ON A BIG JOKE.
IN IMPROV, WE CALL IT A BLACKOUT.
THEY ACTUALLY TURN OUT THE LIGHTS AFTER A BIG LAUGH TO END THE SCENE.
OH.
BOY, YOU SURE KNOW YOUR COMEDY.
I STUDY THE MASTERS.
GLEASON HAD SIX DIFFERENT BUS UNIFORMS DEPENDING ON HIS WEIGHT.
"SIX.
" HUH.
THAT'S KIND OF A "K" SOUND.
SORRY, DALE, YOU HAVE TO WORK AT STRICKLAND TO BE IN THE GROUP.
EXCEPT FOR LUANNE.
SHE'S IN, OR BUCK WON'T PAY FOR T-SHIRTS.
I'M WAY FUNNIER THAN LUANNE.
WATCH.
BILL, GET A BEER.
( plays jaunty tune ) ( goofy giggling ) SEE? IT JUST MAKES THINGS MORE COMEDIC.
BOBBY? YOU AWAKE? YEAH, ME TOO.
I MUST BE A LITTLE JAZZED UP ABOUT YOUR FIRST SHOW.
I WAS JUST GOING OVER THE ACT IN MY HEAD.
IT TAKES A WHILE, 'CAUSE I HOLD FOR LAUGHS.
NOW, I HOPE THESE PEOPLE IN YOUR HEAD ARE LAUGHING WITH PROPANE, AND NOT AT IT.
OH, YEAH.
NOT LIKE WITH BUTANE AND THOSE OTHER BASTARD GASES.
( chuckling ) BLACKOUT.
( chuckling ) ( giggling ) ( synth intro to "Maniac" ) THE PROPANIACS, PROPANIACS ARE ON THE FLOOR AND WE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH SOME MORE WE'RE THE PROPANIACS ANIACS FOR SURE IF YOU'RE SAD, WE'VE GOT THE GAS THAT IS THE CURE PROPANIACS, YEAH! ( bouncy drum machine and keyboard riff ) DON'T STICK A FORK IN ME.
I'M NOT DONE YET.
HE'D BE DONE IF YOU'D USED PROPANE.
( keyboard fanfare ) ( laughing ) AHEM! EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU ASSIST MY SON WITH HIS GAS? ( blows raspberry ) OOH! I ONLY SELL C-3-H-8.
THAT SMELLS LIKE C-H-4.
I NEED A NEW DIAPER.
BABY DID A BAD, BAD THING.
( laughter ) IT IS A FART JOKE, HANK.
( laughing ) I AM HAZMAT THE MAGNIFICENT.
THE FIRST ENVELOPE, PLEASE.
THE FIRST ENVELOPE.
( laughing ) BUTANE, CHARCOAL, AND YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
NAME THREE THINGS YOU'D HATE TO HAVE AT YOUR FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE.
( laughter ) ( glass clinking ) ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN UP.
THIS CAME TODAY FROM THE TEXAS PROPANE DEALERS ASSOCIATION.
IT SAYS, IN PART: "WE HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT OUR INVITATION "TO PERFORM AT THE UPCOMING SOUTHWEST PROPANE GAS TRADE SHOW AND CONFERENCE IN ARLINGTON.
" SIGNED, "SINCERELY, CHARLIE FORTNER PRESIDENT.
" DICTATED, NOT READ.
YAY! I I NEVER MET A PRESIDENT BEFORE.
MET PATRICK SWAYZE, BUT HE DON'T, UH I MEAN, HE'S NOT UH I MET FORTNER TWICE, YOU KNOW.
WHEN HE SHAKES YOUR HAND, BOY, IT STAYS SHOOK.
Bobby: OKAY, GUYS, WE'RE GONNA RIDE THE HORSE THAT GOT US HERE.
WE'LL OPEN WITH "GAS COP," THEN DO "BIG BABY" THEN RIGHT INTO "CHASING BRATWURST.
" HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING MIGHT BE FUNNY? WELL, WE GOT CHARLIE FORTNER IN THE AUDIENCE AND HE'S A FUNNY GUY LET'S PUT HIM ON STAGE.
HE COULD BE THE GAS COP.
BETTER YET, HE COULD BE ARRESTED BY THE GAS COP.
( laughing ) JOE JACK ARRESTING CHARLIE FORTNER ( continues laughing ) CHARLIE'S GONNA GET A BIG KICK OUT OF THAT, I TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU WANT ME TO FRISK MR.
FORTNER? IT'LL BE GREAT.
NOW, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.
HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO WHEN FORTNER COMES UP.
WELL, HE WOULDN'T WANT SOMEONE LIKE ME TOUCHING HIM.
I'M JUST A DRIVER.
MY MOM'S HIS CLEANING LADY.
QUIT SMILING.
YOU'RE A HANGING JUDGE.
AND DON'T GIVE FORTNER ( synth pop music playing ) WAIT A MINUTE-- WHERE'S JOE JACK? HE WAS DRINKING FROM HIS MINI-CANTEEN OUT IN THE PARKING LO AND THEN HE WAS SMASHING CAR WINDOWS.
I WASN'T GONNA SAY NOTHING.
OH, GOD.
IT'S PROBABLY PRE-SHOW JITTERS.
DALE, DO NOT START THE SHOW YET.
GOTCHA.
( playing funky interludes ) AAAH IT'S TOO LATE.
I CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM AND NOW PRESENTING YOUR PROPANIACS.
( Flashdance-type song playing) FROM ARLEN, TEXAS, BOBBY.
FROM ARLEN, TEXAS, LUANNE.
FROM ARLEN, TEXAS DONNA FROM ACCOUNTING.
AND FINALLY, FROM ARLEN, TEXAS JOE JACK.
( glass breaking ) Dale: JOE JACK! JOE JACK.
( clears throat ) LET ME TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO INTRODUCE THE BAND.
ON KEYBOARDS, THE BIG B HIMSELF, R-R-RUSTY SHACKLEFORD.
( music ends ) ( Cops-type theme playing ) GAS COP, GAS COP WHATCHA GONNA DO? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HE COMES FOR YOU? ( clears throat ) CHARLIE FORTNER, UH WE HAD A TIP YOU MIGHT BE IN POSSESSION OF AN INFERIOR FUEL.
MR.
FORTNER, PLEASE COME UP HERE FOR QUESTIONING AND KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M FINE.
THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, PUNK, WE'LL DO IT THE HARD WAY SIR.
( laughter ) HANK! JUDAS PRIEST, MAN, S-STOP IT.
( laughter ) BIG BABY DID A BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD THING.
JOE JACK? UH, HALT! HALT AND PUT DOWN THE LOLLIPOP! ( gasping ) ( laughing ) MY DIAPER GONE BYE-BYE.
YOU GOT ONE ON YOU? WHAT THE WHAT THE DEUCE? JUST ROLL WITH IT, SIR-- YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
THE BABY ASKED YOU FOR A DIAPER, MR.
PEE-PEE-POO-POO PANTS.
HOW ABOUT IT? THAT'S IT.
HANK, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
NO.
LISTEN TO 'EM, SIR, THEY'RE LOVING IT.
COME ON.
I'M GONNA FRISK YOU, DIAPER BANDIT.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
GET BACK HEY, GET, GET OFF OF ME.
HEY! STOP IT.
STOP IT! OH, MY GOD.
UH, BLACKOUT.
BLACKOUT! I'M SORRY, SIR.
I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU WORE, UH UH, YOU KNOW.
SAY IT, HANK.
I WANT TO HEAR IT COME FROM YOUR MOUTH.
DIAPERS.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY IT.
I HAVE TO WEAR 'EM.
AND BUY 'EM.
HONESTLY, SIR, NO ONE KNEW YOU WORE THOSE THINGS.
A MAN IN A DIAPER COMES OUT ON STAGE AND ASKS ME FOR A DIAPER! NOW SOMEBODY THOUGHT THAT THROUGH.
SIR, NO, I SWEAR TO YOU I TELL YOU WHAT: YOU KEEP DOING YOUR LITTLE PROPANE COMEDY SHOW.
YOU JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH IT.
AND I WILL SEE THAT YOU NEVER WORK IN THIS BUSINESS AGAIN.
YOU'LL BE BACK HAWKING DUNGAREES AT JEANS WES QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "OOH-LA-LA, SASSOON.
" SIR, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I ALSO WEAR DIAPERS.
WHICH BRAND IS MORE ABSORBENT? UH, WELL, UH GET OUT.
HEY, DAD, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW GREAT IT WENT IN ARLINGTON AND I'VE GOT A NEW CLOSER.
YOU MUST BUY, YOU MUST BUY, YOU MUST BUY UNHH PROPANE.
( chuckling ) YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FUNNY? IT'S NOT THAT IT'S NOT FUNNY, BOBBY.
IN FACT, IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD BUT, UH WE'RE NOT DOING THE SHOW ANYMORE, BOBBY.
CHARLIE FORTNER WILL SANCTION NO FURTHER PROPANIAC PERFORMANCES.
I DON'T GET IT.
FIRST YOU DON'T LET ME GO TO COMEDY CAMP THEN YOU MAKE ME WORK AT YOUR PROPANE STORE.
AND WHEN I FINALLY FIND SOMETHING THAT MAKES IT FUN YOU LET CHARLIE FORTNER TAKE IT AWAY.
YEP, THOSE WERE SOME GOOD TIMES.
BOBBY'D TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT COMEDY AND THEN I'D TEACH HIM A LITTLE BIT ABOUT PROPANE.
YOU KNOW THAT BIT WHERE HE'D SAY PROPANE IS 270 TIMES MORE COMPAC IN ITS LIQUID FORM THAN AS A GAS? I GAVE HIM THAT LINE.
BUT HE SURE KNEW HOW TO DELIVER IT.
HMM, YES, HE DID.
YOU KNOW, HANK, THERE ARE STILL PLACES WHERE BOSS FORTNER'S TENTACLES DO NOT REACH.
THE PROPANE MANIACS COULD PERFORM IN HIGH SCHOOLS SHOPPING MALLS, ANYWHERE.
YES! THERE'S OVER 60 MILLION PEOPLE WHO USE PROPANE IN THIS NATION, PEGGY.
WELL, I FIND THAT DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE.
I THINK YOU MEAN SIX MILLION.
YOU WANT ME TO GET THE BOOK? YES, I DO.
THE PROPANIACS, SUNDAY NIGHT, AT THE ARLEN MALL.
( blowing ) "WHO'S GOING TO REUNITE THIS SUNDAY NIGHT AT THE ARLEN MALL?" YOU MEAN IT? BUT WHAT ABOUT CHARLIE FORTNER? SON, THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN IN TEXAS WHO WEARS A DIAPER THAT I CARE ABOU AND THAT'S JOE JACK IN THE "BIG BABY" SKETCH.
ALL RIGHT! THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE.
( laughing ) PROPANIACS, ANIACS COME ON, DAD.
UH NO.
THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.
ON THE FLOOR AND WE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH SOME MORE.
OKAY, WE'RE OPENING WITH "GAS COP.
" JOE JACK, YOU SOBER? I'VE HAD MY COFFEE.
( Cops-type theme playing ) GAS COP, GAS COP WHATCHA GONNA DO? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HE COMES FOR YOU? THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE.
ONLY THE EMERGENCY SHUT-OFF VALVES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE CONSUMER.
YOU STEP OUT OF THAT PROPANE-POWERED VEHICLE, HONEY.
IS THERE A PROBLEM, GAS COP, SIR? WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO GIVEN THE COST, FILTHINESS AND UNEVEN HEAT OF CHARCOAL VERSUS PROPANE.
THAT'S NOT MY CHARCOAL, IT'S A FRIEND'S.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU PACKING? YOU'RE NOT JUST A CHARCOAL USER YOU'RE A DEALER! I CAN'T HELP IT.
I STARTED WITH BUTANE THEN MOVED ON TO THE HARDER STUFF.
STOP ME BEFORE I BUILD MY OWN HYDROELECTRIC DAM.
( Hank laughing hysterically) HYDRO OH, OH, THAT IS FUNNY.
TH-THAT THAT IS FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF.
( Hank continues laughing ) YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN EFFICIENT.
I KNOW.
IF I GIVE UP THE RIGHT TO REMAIN EFFICIEN ANYTHING I GRILL UNEVENLY CAN BE USED AGAINST ME IN A FOOD COURT OF LAW.
( laughing hysterically ) Hank: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN ( Hank laughing ) Hank: BLACKOUT.
( Hank and Bobby laughing )
SO, YOU SAY LINDA DID YOUR TOES? SHE'S A BUTCHER.
HEY, YOU WANT TO DO THE NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD PUZZLE? IT'S WHAT NEW YORK COUPLES DO EVERY SUNDAY.
LIKE TONY RANDALL AND HIS WIFE.
( gasping ) I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING THIS SUMMER.
LANGUAGE CAMP AT MIDDLEBURY? IT'S NOT AS MUCH FUN AS THAT AD MAKES IT LOOK.
NO.
THE STAGEDOOR PINES THEATER CAMP.
"PERFORM COMEDY AT A REAL FORMER CATSKILLS RESOR "WITH COUNSELORS WHOSE CREDITS INCLUDE THE MIKE DOUGLAS SHOW AND MAKE ME LAUGH.
" I DON'T KNOW, BOBBY.
IT'S STILL GOT THE WORD "CAMP" IN IT.
THERE MIGHT BE SOME SPORTS.
EH.
I'LL FAKE A GROIN PULL.
OH, I'VE SEEN THIS DATELINE.
THAT GUY SNEEZES INTO THE MEAT.
BOBBY, DID YOUR GRANDFATHER SEND YOU MORE OF THOSE GENTLEMEN'S MAGAZINES? THE NEW YORK TIMES MAGAZINE? PUBLISHED BY THE NEW YORK TIMES NEWSPAPER? OH, BOBBY.
I WASN'T READING THE ARTICLES.
THERE IS THIS CAMP I WANT TO GO TO.
SEE? SUMMER COMEDY CAMP? I'M SORRY, BOBBY I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT IS BUT I'M STILL GOING TO HAVE TO SAY NO.
AND I ALREADY PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU WITH MR.
STRICKLAND ABOUT WORKING WITH ME THIS SUMMER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A TANK WIPE.
SURE YOU DO.
WHY DON'T YOU COME BY AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW AND HELP US GET READY FOR THE BIG GRILL-STRAVAGANZA SALE? YOU'LL BE PAID IN EXPERIENCE, AND THAT IS TAX-FREE.
NOW, THIS FIXED MAXIMUM LIQUID LEVEL GAUGE, ON THE OTHER HAND IS FOR PROPANE TANKS THAT HAVE A DIP TUBE WELDED IN THE VESSEL, OR WHERE MOUNTING IS TO BE DONE AT THE MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE FILLING LEVEL.
ANY QUESTIONS SO FAR, BOBBY? WHAT'S A DIP TUBE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY VESSEL WHAT'S THE MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE FILLING LEVEL AND ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME FOR A COFFEE BREAK? I'M FADING HERE.
( playing "Wipeout" drum riff) ( rhythmic chortling ) WIPEOUT.
BOBBY, STOP IT.
THOSE ARE PROPANE ACCESSORIES AND YOU WILL TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT.
I MAY HAVE BEEN ON THE PHONE WITH OUR 12th- LARGEST CUSTOMER WHILE YOU WERE IN HERE HORSING AROUND BUT SOMEONE WAS WATCHING.
Bobby: "GOOD WISHES.
"TEXAS PROPANE DEALERS ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT CHARLIE FORTNER.
" YUP.
HE'S THE SINGLE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN TEXAS PROPANE.
HE'S WHAT FRITZ KUBIACK IS TO THE COUNTY UTILITY BOARD.
SO I HEARD.
I WONDER IF FORTNER AND KUBIACK ARE ALLOWED TO FLY ON THE SAME PLANE? ( sighing softly ) BUCK, CODE DOUBLE RED.
WE JUST SOLD OUR LAST VOGNER CHAR-KING IMPERIALE.
WHERE'S THE DANG TRUCK WITH OUR RESUPPLY? IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AN HOUR AGO.
I DON'T KNOW, I EXCUSE ME.
I AM HERE TO BUY A VOGNER CHAR-KING IMPERIALE AS ADVERTISED.
MY SATISFACTION DEPENDS ON IT.
DALE, GO HOME.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
BAIT AND SWITCH.
NO, NO, THERE WAS NO SWITCH.
NO SWITCH.
IT'S, IT'S BAIT AND BAIT.
BAIT AND BAIT.
WE HAVE MANY OTHER EXCELLENT GRILLS.
TELL YOUR DADDY TO THROW IN HIS APRON.
THIS WEENIE ROAST HAS GONE BYE-BYE.
WAIT A SEC.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
SPATULAS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOW! HOT.
BOBBY? FOLLOW MY LEAD.
I AM THE GREAT GAS HEAD.
HE'S THE GREAT GAS HEAD.
I'M THE GREAT GAS HEAD, AND I'M HERE TO SAY GRILLS ARE COMING, AND THEY'RE ON THE WAY OH, DEAR LORD.
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF PROPANE, BOBBY.
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF PROPANE.
A WHOLE TRUCKFUL, AND THAT'S NOT A FEW 20 TO 40,000 B.
T.
U.
( rhythmic grunt ) ( laughter ) ( laughing ) YOU'RE LAUGHING? ( laughing ): WELL, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S IT'S JUST THAT HE'S GOT THAT TANK, AND "GREAT GAS HEAD.
" I LOVE IT.
GOD HELP ME, I LOVE IT.
I THANK YOU.
I THANK YOU.
GO, BOBBY.
BOBBY, YOU'RE A FUNNY BOY.
I USED TO CHASE SKIRT WITH YOUR GRANDDADDY.
HE'S A MEAN KIND OF FUNNY.
POINT IS, YOU KEPT 'EM LAUGHING TILL THE TRUCK CAME.
I'M THINKING MAYBE WE COULD SEND THOSE FELLAS UP TO STRICKLAND NORTH.
IT'S LIKE A FUNERAL PARLOR EVERY TIME I WALK IN THERE.
YEAH, WE COULD DO A FEW SKETCHES A LITTLE IMPROV, WEAR SOME WIGS.
AND YOU WILL BE CALLED THE PROPANE MANIACS.
NO! NO.
THE PROPANIACS! THAT'S GREAT, BOBBY.
HERE'S TO THE PROPANIACS.
All: THE PROPANIACS! THE PROPANE MANIACS! I CALLED THE ASSISTANT MANAGER UP AT STRICKLAND NORTH.
THINGS ARE BAD UP THERE, BOBBY.
IT'S IN THE HEART OF CHARCOAL COUNTRY.
I SHOULD PROBABLY WORK UP SOME MORE GAS-RELATED MATERIAL.
YOU KNOW, DAD, IT'S WEIRD BUT, I DON'T EVEN, UM, TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT PROPANE IS.
WELL, NO ONE WILL EVER TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SWEET LADY PROPANE, BUT HERE'S WHAT WE DO KNOW.
IT'S DEFINED CHEMICALLY AS C-3-H-8 AND HAS AN ENERGY CONTENT OF FLAME WEEDING, TOBACCO CURING, AND DEFOLIATION.
ALL PROPANE IS PRODUCED FROM TWO SOURCES-- CRUDE OIL ALL RIGHT! NOW WE'RE TALKING.
CRUDE OIL'S GOT THE "K" SOUND.
I COULD WORK WITH THAT.
YOU SEE, YOUR "K" IS YOUR FUNNIEST SOUND.
KETCHUP, KANGAROO, KRUG VAPOR COMPRESSOR KRUG COMPRESSOR.
( chuckling ) THERE'S TWO "K" SOUNDS IN THAT ONE.
AH HUH, SO THAT'S HOW COMEDY WORKS, HUH? IT'S ALSO CRUCIAL TO END ON A BIG JOKE.
IN IMPROV, WE CALL IT A BLACKOUT.
THEY ACTUALLY TURN OUT THE LIGHTS AFTER A BIG LAUGH TO END THE SCENE.
OH.
BOY, YOU SURE KNOW YOUR COMEDY.
I STUDY THE MASTERS.
GLEASON HAD SIX DIFFERENT BUS UNIFORMS DEPENDING ON HIS WEIGHT.
"SIX.
" HUH.
THAT'S KIND OF A "K" SOUND.
SORRY, DALE, YOU HAVE TO WORK AT STRICKLAND TO BE IN THE GROUP.
EXCEPT FOR LUANNE.
SHE'S IN, OR BUCK WON'T PAY FOR T-SHIRTS.
I'M WAY FUNNIER THAN LUANNE.
WATCH.
BILL, GET A BEER.
( plays jaunty tune ) ( goofy giggling ) SEE? IT JUST MAKES THINGS MORE COMEDIC.
BOBBY? YOU AWAKE? YEAH, ME TOO.
I MUST BE A LITTLE JAZZED UP ABOUT YOUR FIRST SHOW.
I WAS JUST GOING OVER THE ACT IN MY HEAD.
IT TAKES A WHILE, 'CAUSE I HOLD FOR LAUGHS.
NOW, I HOPE THESE PEOPLE IN YOUR HEAD ARE LAUGHING WITH PROPANE, AND NOT AT IT.
OH, YEAH.
NOT LIKE WITH BUTANE AND THOSE OTHER BASTARD GASES.
( chuckling ) BLACKOUT.
( chuckling ) ( giggling ) ( synth intro to "Maniac" ) THE PROPANIACS, PROPANIACS ARE ON THE FLOOR AND WE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH SOME MORE WE'RE THE PROPANIACS ANIACS FOR SURE IF YOU'RE SAD, WE'VE GOT THE GAS THAT IS THE CURE PROPANIACS, YEAH! ( bouncy drum machine and keyboard riff ) DON'T STICK A FORK IN ME.
I'M NOT DONE YET.
HE'D BE DONE IF YOU'D USED PROPANE.
( keyboard fanfare ) ( laughing ) AHEM! EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU ASSIST MY SON WITH HIS GAS? ( blows raspberry ) OOH! I ONLY SELL C-3-H-8.
THAT SMELLS LIKE C-H-4.
I NEED A NEW DIAPER.
BABY DID A BAD, BAD THING.
( laughter ) IT IS A FART JOKE, HANK.
( laughing ) I AM HAZMAT THE MAGNIFICENT.
THE FIRST ENVELOPE, PLEASE.
THE FIRST ENVELOPE.
( laughing ) BUTANE, CHARCOAL, AND YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
NAME THREE THINGS YOU'D HATE TO HAVE AT YOUR FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE.
( laughter ) ( glass clinking ) ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN UP.
THIS CAME TODAY FROM THE TEXAS PROPANE DEALERS ASSOCIATION.
IT SAYS, IN PART: "WE HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT OUR INVITATION "TO PERFORM AT THE UPCOMING SOUTHWEST PROPANE GAS TRADE SHOW AND CONFERENCE IN ARLINGTON.
" SIGNED, "SINCERELY, CHARLIE FORTNER PRESIDENT.
" DICTATED, NOT READ.
YAY! I I NEVER MET A PRESIDENT BEFORE.
MET PATRICK SWAYZE, BUT HE DON'T, UH I MEAN, HE'S NOT UH I MET FORTNER TWICE, YOU KNOW.
WHEN HE SHAKES YOUR HAND, BOY, IT STAYS SHOOK.
Bobby: OKAY, GUYS, WE'RE GONNA RIDE THE HORSE THAT GOT US HERE.
WE'LL OPEN WITH "GAS COP," THEN DO "BIG BABY" THEN RIGHT INTO "CHASING BRATWURST.
" HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING MIGHT BE FUNNY? WELL, WE GOT CHARLIE FORTNER IN THE AUDIENCE AND HE'S A FUNNY GUY LET'S PUT HIM ON STAGE.
HE COULD BE THE GAS COP.
BETTER YET, HE COULD BE ARRESTED BY THE GAS COP.
( laughing ) JOE JACK ARRESTING CHARLIE FORTNER ( continues laughing ) CHARLIE'S GONNA GET A BIG KICK OUT OF THAT, I TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU WANT ME TO FRISK MR.
FORTNER? IT'LL BE GREAT.
NOW, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.
HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO WHEN FORTNER COMES UP.
WELL, HE WOULDN'T WANT SOMEONE LIKE ME TOUCHING HIM.
I'M JUST A DRIVER.
MY MOM'S HIS CLEANING LADY.
QUIT SMILING.
YOU'RE A HANGING JUDGE.
AND DON'T GIVE FORTNER ( synth pop music playing ) WAIT A MINUTE-- WHERE'S JOE JACK? HE WAS DRINKING FROM HIS MINI-CANTEEN OUT IN THE PARKING LO AND THEN HE WAS SMASHING CAR WINDOWS.
I WASN'T GONNA SAY NOTHING.
OH, GOD.
IT'S PROBABLY PRE-SHOW JITTERS.
DALE, DO NOT START THE SHOW YET.
GOTCHA.
( playing funky interludes ) AAAH IT'S TOO LATE.
I CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM AND NOW PRESENTING YOUR PROPANIACS.
( Flashdance-type song playing) FROM ARLEN, TEXAS, BOBBY.
FROM ARLEN, TEXAS, LUANNE.
FROM ARLEN, TEXAS DONNA FROM ACCOUNTING.
AND FINALLY, FROM ARLEN, TEXAS JOE JACK.
( glass breaking ) Dale: JOE JACK! JOE JACK.
( clears throat ) LET ME TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO INTRODUCE THE BAND.
ON KEYBOARDS, THE BIG B HIMSELF, R-R-RUSTY SHACKLEFORD.
( music ends ) ( Cops-type theme playing ) GAS COP, GAS COP WHATCHA GONNA DO? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HE COMES FOR YOU? ( clears throat ) CHARLIE FORTNER, UH WE HAD A TIP YOU MIGHT BE IN POSSESSION OF AN INFERIOR FUEL.
MR.
FORTNER, PLEASE COME UP HERE FOR QUESTIONING AND KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M FINE.
THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, PUNK, WE'LL DO IT THE HARD WAY SIR.
( laughter ) HANK! JUDAS PRIEST, MAN, S-STOP IT.
( laughter ) BIG BABY DID A BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD THING.
JOE JACK? UH, HALT! HALT AND PUT DOWN THE LOLLIPOP! ( gasping ) ( laughing ) MY DIAPER GONE BYE-BYE.
YOU GOT ONE ON YOU? WHAT THE WHAT THE DEUCE? JUST ROLL WITH IT, SIR-- YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
THE BABY ASKED YOU FOR A DIAPER, MR.
PEE-PEE-POO-POO PANTS.
HOW ABOUT IT? THAT'S IT.
HANK, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
NO.
LISTEN TO 'EM, SIR, THEY'RE LOVING IT.
COME ON.
I'M GONNA FRISK YOU, DIAPER BANDIT.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
GET BACK HEY, GET, GET OFF OF ME.
HEY! STOP IT.
STOP IT! OH, MY GOD.
UH, BLACKOUT.
BLACKOUT! I'M SORRY, SIR.
I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU WORE, UH UH, YOU KNOW.
SAY IT, HANK.
I WANT TO HEAR IT COME FROM YOUR MOUTH.
DIAPERS.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY IT.
I HAVE TO WEAR 'EM.
AND BUY 'EM.
HONESTLY, SIR, NO ONE KNEW YOU WORE THOSE THINGS.
A MAN IN A DIAPER COMES OUT ON STAGE AND ASKS ME FOR A DIAPER! NOW SOMEBODY THOUGHT THAT THROUGH.
SIR, NO, I SWEAR TO YOU I TELL YOU WHAT: YOU KEEP DOING YOUR LITTLE PROPANE COMEDY SHOW.
YOU JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH IT.
AND I WILL SEE THAT YOU NEVER WORK IN THIS BUSINESS AGAIN.
YOU'LL BE BACK HAWKING DUNGAREES AT JEANS WES QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "OOH-LA-LA, SASSOON.
" SIR, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I ALSO WEAR DIAPERS.
WHICH BRAND IS MORE ABSORBENT? UH, WELL, UH GET OUT.
HEY, DAD, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW GREAT IT WENT IN ARLINGTON AND I'VE GOT A NEW CLOSER.
YOU MUST BUY, YOU MUST BUY, YOU MUST BUY UNHH PROPANE.
( chuckling ) YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FUNNY? IT'S NOT THAT IT'S NOT FUNNY, BOBBY.
IN FACT, IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD BUT, UH WE'RE NOT DOING THE SHOW ANYMORE, BOBBY.
CHARLIE FORTNER WILL SANCTION NO FURTHER PROPANIAC PERFORMANCES.
I DON'T GET IT.
FIRST YOU DON'T LET ME GO TO COMEDY CAMP THEN YOU MAKE ME WORK AT YOUR PROPANE STORE.
AND WHEN I FINALLY FIND SOMETHING THAT MAKES IT FUN YOU LET CHARLIE FORTNER TAKE IT AWAY.
YEP, THOSE WERE SOME GOOD TIMES.
BOBBY'D TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT COMEDY AND THEN I'D TEACH HIM A LITTLE BIT ABOUT PROPANE.
YOU KNOW THAT BIT WHERE HE'D SAY PROPANE IS 270 TIMES MORE COMPAC IN ITS LIQUID FORM THAN AS A GAS? I GAVE HIM THAT LINE.
BUT HE SURE KNEW HOW TO DELIVER IT.
HMM, YES, HE DID.
YOU KNOW, HANK, THERE ARE STILL PLACES WHERE BOSS FORTNER'S TENTACLES DO NOT REACH.
THE PROPANE MANIACS COULD PERFORM IN HIGH SCHOOLS SHOPPING MALLS, ANYWHERE.
YES! THERE'S OVER 60 MILLION PEOPLE WHO USE PROPANE IN THIS NATION, PEGGY.
WELL, I FIND THAT DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE.
I THINK YOU MEAN SIX MILLION.
YOU WANT ME TO GET THE BOOK? YES, I DO.
THE PROPANIACS, SUNDAY NIGHT, AT THE ARLEN MALL.
( blowing ) "WHO'S GOING TO REUNITE THIS SUNDAY NIGHT AT THE ARLEN MALL?" YOU MEAN IT? BUT WHAT ABOUT CHARLIE FORTNER? SON, THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN IN TEXAS WHO WEARS A DIAPER THAT I CARE ABOU AND THAT'S JOE JACK IN THE "BIG BABY" SKETCH.
ALL RIGHT! THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE.
( laughing ) PROPANIACS, ANIACS COME ON, DAD.
UH NO.
THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.
ON THE FLOOR AND WE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH SOME MORE.
OKAY, WE'RE OPENING WITH "GAS COP.
" JOE JACK, YOU SOBER? I'VE HAD MY COFFEE.
( Cops-type theme playing ) GAS COP, GAS COP WHATCHA GONNA DO? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HE COMES FOR YOU? THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE.
ONLY THE EMERGENCY SHUT-OFF VALVES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE CONSUMER.
YOU STEP OUT OF THAT PROPANE-POWERED VEHICLE, HONEY.
IS THERE A PROBLEM, GAS COP, SIR? WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO GIVEN THE COST, FILTHINESS AND UNEVEN HEAT OF CHARCOAL VERSUS PROPANE.
THAT'S NOT MY CHARCOAL, IT'S A FRIEND'S.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU PACKING? YOU'RE NOT JUST A CHARCOAL USER YOU'RE A DEALER! I CAN'T HELP IT.
I STARTED WITH BUTANE THEN MOVED ON TO THE HARDER STUFF.
STOP ME BEFORE I BUILD MY OWN HYDROELECTRIC DAM.
( Hank laughing hysterically) HYDRO OH, OH, THAT IS FUNNY.
TH-THAT THAT IS FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF.
( Hank continues laughing ) YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN EFFICIENT.
I KNOW.
IF I GIVE UP THE RIGHT TO REMAIN EFFICIEN ANYTHING I GRILL UNEVENLY CAN BE USED AGAINST ME IN A FOOD COURT OF LAW.
( laughing hysterically ) Hank: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN ( Hank laughing ) Hank: BLACKOUT.
( Hank and Bobby laughing )