King of the Hill s09e06 Episode Script
The Petriot Act
1 ( whimpers and panting ) ( panting ) The worst part of going on vacation is the look on her face when we head out the door.
Are we talking about Lady Bird or Peggy? ( barks ) Whoa, down girl.
Hi, guys! Meet my new friend, Buster.
Say hello, Buster.
Pretty dog.
Weak handshake.
Buster, play.
Boy, Bill, that is a magnificent animal.
Yeah, I got him through a new military program where you adopt the pet of a G.
I.
while he's on his tour of duty.
Well, all right.
That's a great way to serve our country: supporting our enlisted men one dog at a time.
Hey, I was just going to take Lady Bird up to the lake.
You and Buster want to come along? Sorry, Buster does his community service at the VFW today.
Some of those old guys haven't felt a tongue on their face for years.
Here, boy.
Hey, Bill, can civilians get in on this, or is it just a perk for the Armed Forces? Anyone can do it.
All you have to do is take a pledge to "perform all functions necessary and possible for the animal's well-being.
" A pledge?! PEGGY: Okay.
Now, we start here two weeks from today.
We drive 400 miles and catch a riverboat tour up the mighty Mississip.
Then it is on to Graceland in Memphis, and then to the Cowboys/Titans game in Nashville! And on the way back, we get to stop at Willis' Famous Barbecue where the ribs fall off the bone or your money back! Now, Bobby, Memphis to Nashville, that's a long stretch without a rest stop.
I'm already training! I've had four glasses of water today.
It's been two hours and nine minutes, and I feel fine! Peggy! Bobby! Great news! We can adopt the dog of a G.
I.
while he's on his tour of duty.
I I don't know, Hank.
Another dog? Not just any dog, the dog of a soldier.
Come on, think about our patriotic duty.
I'll take care of it, I promise.
I'll do everything.
You won't even know it's here.
We are going on vacation in two weeks.
We're gonna have to board Lady Bird as it is Don't worry.
I told the military we can't take the dog until after we get back from our trip.
Well, as long as it doesn't interfere with the vacation, I suppose it's All right! It's nice to see him so happy.
A koozie? Since when are you so fancy all of a sudden? You too good for us now? HANK: Hey, guys.
You are looking at a guy who has just been approved for the G.
I.
Foster Pet Program.
Yay! Way to go, man.
Do you know what kind of dog you're getting? No, but his name's Duke.
You tell me a dog named Duke won't take a bullet for you.
This is so amazing! He knew it was empty.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We don't have to go through Oklahoma.
( phone ringing ) Hill residence.
This is Army Sergeant Williamson.
We're going to need you to take possession of Duke between 0900 and 0915 tomorrow morning.
What? But I thought I made it very clear that we didn't want Duke until after we got back from our vacation.
Patriotism doesn't take a vacation, sir.
This is the smallest bottle of Prell that I have ever seen.
Check out the lotion.
Dang it-- I just used it all.
Uh I got a call from the Armed Forces Duke is coming a little earlier than expected.
Uh, like tomorrow.
But we're leaving in less than a week.
You just call them back and tell them it's too early.
Don't worry.
I talked to the guy who owns the farm where Lady Bird is going to stay, and he says another dog would be no problem.
Why do we need toilet seat covers? One word: Tennessee.
They'll be here any second.
Is everybody ready? You're uh You're wearing that? Dog, Hank.
It's a dog.
Car! Hey, Bill.
My dog is about to be delivered.
That's great.
I just got a gift basket from my G.
I.
.
Get this: He's a Blue Angel.
He's the one that made France mad by flying under the Eiffel Tower.
Oh, my God, they're here! Good morning, Mr.
Hill.
On behalf of the Armed Forces, thank you for your generosity.
I present to you Duke.
Come here, boy.
( snarling ) ( shudders ) ( screams ) ( snarling and hissing ) DALE: Uh, Hank, looks like that cat ate your dog.
Uh, about Duke he's a cat.
I was supposed to get a dog.
My neighbor got a dog.
Yeah, and I wanted to be an F-18 pilot.
One psych exam later I'm delivering you a cat.
Uh, oh, wait.
I already have a dog.
So a cat would be in danger.
That would be treason, right? Sir, is this your signature here, sir? Yes.
And is this your two page addendum stating how it would be your honor to fulfill your patriotic duty? I believe you quoted "The Star-Spangled Banner" in its entirety.
Huh Dad! Cat?! Okay, this won't be so bad.
I bet while we're gone we can board Duke for just a few more dollars a day.
Lovely.
And in the meantime, where are we going to keep this? Well, Private Hennessey left us an information dossier we're supposed to follow.
Let's see what he says.
BOBBY: Mom, look out! Ohh Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Get! Hank, looks like the cat is out of the bag.
( chuckling ) Oh this has been a cat-astrophe! ( both laughing ) Uh, cat c uh You got a cat! ( speaking gibberish ) So, one of our fighting men has a cat? What of it? Hey, guys.
Wow, you two are looking good.
I see the perfect fusion of master and animal.
I can't tell where one ends and the other begins.
Oh, I feel great.
Good ol' Buster's built my wind up.
( scraping ) Well, that must be Duke.
He's cute.
Dang it, Bill, why didn't you tell me you could get stuck with a cat in this program? Come on, Hank, cats aren't so bad.
One of Buster's best friends is a cat that does recon missions with a camera strapped to his back.
( meows ) I don't think yours does that, though.
( bell jingles ) MAN: Eh, eh eh oh oh ( clears throat ) Try this.
Once you start playing with it, you won't want to stop! Ah, no thanks.
I just need to get some cat food.
See, I was recently forced to take care of a cat, and I need to know which one of these I should buy.
Quickly.
Oh, all that stuff is garbage.
What your cat needs is this: Scientific Formula.
$18 a bag? What's wrong with all this other stuff? Well, between you and me, it's practically inedible.
We should really be in jail for carrying it.
( sighs ): All right, fine.
Give me a bag of the Scientific Formula.
Which flavor? I recommend the Italian herb chicken.
Delicious.
( crash, cat screeches ) Do you think Private Hennessey enlisted just to get away from that thing? Oh, put it out of your mind, Hank.
In a week, we'll be at Graceland.
I wonder if they'll let us shoot a television.
( retching ) Oh, Hank.
Bobby, get Duke off the dinner table! He just threw up; I don't want to touch him.
Pick him up with a napkin.
You want me to take him off the table, or do you want me to eat my vegetables? Because I can't do both.
Fine, I'll do it.
( screeches ) Dang it! PEGGY: I hope you like the smell of a cranberry bog, because it is the only thing that counteracts the cat stink.
Ugh! Wave some of that stuff over here.
Oh, my God! The cat has soiled in my shoes.
Where is he? BOBBY: He's in my room.
If I stop petting him, he'll bite me.
I've read that dossier cover-to-cover, and nowhere in it does it say anything about pooping in shoes.
You know I hate this cat, but there might actually be something wrong with him.
Maybe you should take him to Dr.
Yandell.
I can't.
If there are any problems, I'm supposed to take him to Dr.
Leslie at the Vet Consortium.
That place with the valet parking? Wait, we're not paying for this, are we? We have our vacation to think about.
BOBBY: It's like having a bomb strapped to my lap.
It's part of my commitment.
I can't ask Duke's owner to take it out of his combat pay.
BOBBY: I've got to go to the bathroom.
( cat hisses and screeches ) I'm Hank Hill.
This is Duke.
We have an appointment with Dr.
Leslie.
What's the nature of your cat's problem? Uh he's pooping in my shoes.
Okay, go ahead and have a seat.
And we ask that you please not make eye contact with Mr.
Javier's parrot.
He's got anger issues.
( squawks ) ( squawks loudly ) Hello, you must be Duke's caregiver.
I'm Dr.
Leslie.
How are you feeling today, Mr.
Duke? Uh, yeah, so, I don't know cats, so I can't really tell if anything is wrong.
That's the thing about animals.
They can't tell us what's wrong.
And take it from me, they can't understand our jokes.
Why don't you gently restrain him so I can take some blood and check his vitals? Uh, yeah, don't you have a strap or a clamp or something? If you prefer, you could lay on the examination table and hold Duke to your chest.
Mm-hmm.
( chuckles ) Very good.
Well, everything seems normal, Mr.
Hill.
Oh, great, then I just need you to sign this Army form stating that, uh, "Everything within reason has been done to ensure the proper health of said animal.
" Everything hasn't been done, Mr.
Hill.
Sure, Duke "looks" normal, but I did not spend four extra years specializing in small animal treatment to just look.
I want to do some more tests on Duke to make sure we don't miss anything.
EKG, MRI, maybe an iodine trace.
Okay.
First off, we're gonna need to ensure that Duke has been getting the proper diet.
Oh, I'm way ahead of you, Doctor.
I already have him on the Scientific Formula.
You can't feed that to a cat.
Mr.
Hill, Duke should only be eating Vet's Brand.
You're asking me to spend $57 on a bag of cat food?! Well, we can't expect Duke to buy it on his salary! ( chuckles ) You see? Nothing.
Okay, that's gonna be $543.
What?! Bone density test? Lactose intolerance test? Allergy panel? I know it sounds a bit pricey, but these people have all the best equipment.
( chuckles ): Well, almost all the best equipment.
You never stop selling, do you, Tommy? You're in good hands.
I don't have a pet, but I'd bring my son here, if they'd let me.
Listen, I can't afford this.
I'm taking my family on vacation.
I'm just doing this because I made a pledge to the Army.
I don't even like cats.
( snarls ) ( hissing ) That's it! Here, boy! ( gasps ) Dang it! Okay, droop your eyelids.
Now un-flare that nostril.
That's it! Perfect.
Dad, look at my poker face.
We are gonna take everything from that riverboat but the paddle wheel.
Uh, yeah.
I'm sorry, you guys, but Duke's vet visit just cost us the Riverboat stop.
What? What? ( sighs ) This is no longer a valid TripTik.
I knew it.
I knew this whole thing would blow up in our faces.
Hank, let's just get rid of this cat.
It's ruining our lives.
I can't do that.
It'll be fine, you'll see.
Maybe we won't be able to stay in hotels, but we can camp in the car! ( phone rings ) Hill residence.
It's Dr.
Leslie.
Duke's blood work came back, and his blood sugar is normal no adult-onset diabetes, no hypertension, no hemophilia.
Oh, that's great! But we did notice his white blood cell count is up slightly.
Uh.
What does that mean? Could be nothing, could be cancer.
I'm gonna need you to come in with Duke right away.
I'd like to do a complete physical workup to cover all our bases.
I also recommend this: It's what we call a feline mobility cart.
Wait.
The cat can't walk? Of course he can walk.
But rolling is easier.
You see, it may relieve some pressure and redirect blood flow.
Plus alloy wheels.
But all this could be for nothing, right? I mean, Duke may not have anything wrong with him.
Boy, that'd be great.
I'd like to go in.
In? Do a small exploratory surgery, rule some things out.
What's that gonna cost me? Guesstimate? Between $1,000 and $2,000 and $3,000.
That's a lot of money.
See, my family and I were kinda going on this vacation Would it kill you not to go on vacation? Because it may kill Duke.
( sighs ) Do you take traveler's checks? PEGGY: You and your stupid patriotism.
I'm sure that cat will thank you for canceling our vacation by hissing at you.
I expanded my bladder for this trip.
Thanks a lot, Dad! ( sighs ) ( squeaking ) ( Duke retches ) ( all gagging ) I can't believe what they want me to do to get Duke ready for surgery.
To keep him sterile, I have to put on these little paper booties before he uses the litter box.
Excuse me.
I believe your dog left this toy in my yard.
So sorry about that.
He likes pretty ladies.
Oh.
( giggles ) Well, thank you.
Here's my number, in case any more of his toys go missing.
BOBBY: Dad! Duke's wheels tracked poo all over my bed sheets! ( yowling ) ( gasps ) ( wheels squeaking ) Tip-top news, Mr.
Hill! We've eliminated even a remote possibility that Duke has lung cancer, stomach cancer, or pancreatic cancer.
Oh, thank God.
So, uh, can you sign the release? Now we can move on to Duke's circulatory and skeletal systems.
( sighs ) $150 for a feline enema? I could do it for half that.
I wish I could let you, Peggy.
Duke is bleeding us dry, Hank.
I think it is time to take him to our vet for a second opinion.
Come on.
You get the crate, I'll get the oven mitts.
That's a cute little cart you got him in.
Do you have a little mouse that rides in there, too? Uh, I swore I would do all that I could for the care of this cat in writing.
You've had him tested from his brain to his behind.
Sounds to me like you have.
You want me to sign that? Well, thank you, but I need Duke's vet of choice to do it-- Dr.
Bradley Leslie.
Oh, he's top-notch.
Best in his field.
Well, I was kinda hoping you'd tell me he was a quack and I wouldn't have to listen to him.
And he's costing me a fortune.
Well, he's got all those new fancy machines.
And if you've got the machines, by God you're gonna use them.
But truth is, sometimes cats just get old.
Duke's going to die someday, but not of anything he's got right now.
But he keeps vomiting.
Cats vomit.
They eat, poop and vomit.
That's what they do.
So you're telling me I sacrificed my family's vacation so this guy can pay for his fancy machines? Yeah, you wouldn't believe how much some of 'em go for.
Tommy, how much one of those ultra-magnetic doohickeys you keep yammering about set me back? The Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager 9220? You don't want to know.
It's so expensive, no one can make money on it.
We only sold two: one in Beverly Hills and one in Aspen.
I could have one delivered within the week.
So, wait.
That machine's even more expensive than the ones Dr.
Leslie has? Oh, yeah.
He's got a 9210.
That's a solid unit.
But this baby's seven percent more accurate, and it comes in chrome.
Can I have some of those brochures? Uh, just take one, though.
They're also really expensive.
Mr.
Hill! Teresa didn't tell me you had an appointment.
I don't.
Look, I just stopped by to tell you there will be no more surgeries or tests or anything else done to my cat.
And I want you to sign this.
There are still several more tests we can perform, Mr.
Hill.
You see, we have a responsibility to these creatures.
Duke can't tell us he wants to live Yeah, yeah, I know, and he can't joke around.
But I bet if he could talk, he'd say he wants to be put through the Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager.
I've got one of those! Says here that the 9220 is seven percent more accurate than the old 9210.
( chuckles ): Yes, but seven percent more accuracy hardly justifies me spending that kind of money.
I'd have to use the machine on pets and their owners to break even.
It's just too expensive.
Well, that seems like the kind of decision you'd want to leave to that woman and her bird, or that guy and whatever the hell that thing is.
I'm sure they'd like to know you've been depriving them of the latest in full-body diagnostic testing.
I wish I had enough of these pamphlets for everyone.
Hey, I guess I could go out there and read it out loud.
Now hold on a minute.
That machine would bankrupt me.
I've got to draw the line somewhere.
We all have to draw the line somewhere.
Is that 9220 something you should be using on Frank? You can keep that pen.
It's from some company that makes Viagra for lizards.
Works for snakes, too! ( all cheering ) HANK: Well, it's 3:00.
Right about now, Dr.
Leslie is turning Duke over to Private Hennessey.
Look, I know this isn't the kind of trip we all had in mind.
Bobby, why don't you go ahead and have the "21-Rib Salute?" Really?! It's not an entrée, it's an event! So, how much money do we have left in the vacation fund? $98.
Which means, well, this is as far as we can go.
You know, just being away from Duke feels like a holiday.
Good food, family, the Cowboys.
Now this is what I call a dream vacation.
( all cheering ) Army sergeant Bill Dauterive relinquishing command of Buster! On behalf of myself and the crew of the USS Eisenhower, I say thank you.
( all cheering ) Wow.
How you getting home, Sergeant? I, I, uh You ever pulled two Gs? Don't worry.
Buster'll sit on your lap.
DALE: Oh, this has been a cat-astrophe!
Are we talking about Lady Bird or Peggy? ( barks ) Whoa, down girl.
Hi, guys! Meet my new friend, Buster.
Say hello, Buster.
Pretty dog.
Weak handshake.
Buster, play.
Boy, Bill, that is a magnificent animal.
Yeah, I got him through a new military program where you adopt the pet of a G.
I.
while he's on his tour of duty.
Well, all right.
That's a great way to serve our country: supporting our enlisted men one dog at a time.
Hey, I was just going to take Lady Bird up to the lake.
You and Buster want to come along? Sorry, Buster does his community service at the VFW today.
Some of those old guys haven't felt a tongue on their face for years.
Here, boy.
Hey, Bill, can civilians get in on this, or is it just a perk for the Armed Forces? Anyone can do it.
All you have to do is take a pledge to "perform all functions necessary and possible for the animal's well-being.
" A pledge?! PEGGY: Okay.
Now, we start here two weeks from today.
We drive 400 miles and catch a riverboat tour up the mighty Mississip.
Then it is on to Graceland in Memphis, and then to the Cowboys/Titans game in Nashville! And on the way back, we get to stop at Willis' Famous Barbecue where the ribs fall off the bone or your money back! Now, Bobby, Memphis to Nashville, that's a long stretch without a rest stop.
I'm already training! I've had four glasses of water today.
It's been two hours and nine minutes, and I feel fine! Peggy! Bobby! Great news! We can adopt the dog of a G.
I.
while he's on his tour of duty.
I I don't know, Hank.
Another dog? Not just any dog, the dog of a soldier.
Come on, think about our patriotic duty.
I'll take care of it, I promise.
I'll do everything.
You won't even know it's here.
We are going on vacation in two weeks.
We're gonna have to board Lady Bird as it is Don't worry.
I told the military we can't take the dog until after we get back from our trip.
Well, as long as it doesn't interfere with the vacation, I suppose it's All right! It's nice to see him so happy.
A koozie? Since when are you so fancy all of a sudden? You too good for us now? HANK: Hey, guys.
You are looking at a guy who has just been approved for the G.
I.
Foster Pet Program.
Yay! Way to go, man.
Do you know what kind of dog you're getting? No, but his name's Duke.
You tell me a dog named Duke won't take a bullet for you.
This is so amazing! He knew it was empty.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We don't have to go through Oklahoma.
( phone ringing ) Hill residence.
This is Army Sergeant Williamson.
We're going to need you to take possession of Duke between 0900 and 0915 tomorrow morning.
What? But I thought I made it very clear that we didn't want Duke until after we got back from our vacation.
Patriotism doesn't take a vacation, sir.
This is the smallest bottle of Prell that I have ever seen.
Check out the lotion.
Dang it-- I just used it all.
Uh I got a call from the Armed Forces Duke is coming a little earlier than expected.
Uh, like tomorrow.
But we're leaving in less than a week.
You just call them back and tell them it's too early.
Don't worry.
I talked to the guy who owns the farm where Lady Bird is going to stay, and he says another dog would be no problem.
Why do we need toilet seat covers? One word: Tennessee.
They'll be here any second.
Is everybody ready? You're uh You're wearing that? Dog, Hank.
It's a dog.
Car! Hey, Bill.
My dog is about to be delivered.
That's great.
I just got a gift basket from my G.
I.
.
Get this: He's a Blue Angel.
He's the one that made France mad by flying under the Eiffel Tower.
Oh, my God, they're here! Good morning, Mr.
Hill.
On behalf of the Armed Forces, thank you for your generosity.
I present to you Duke.
Come here, boy.
( snarling ) ( shudders ) ( screams ) ( snarling and hissing ) DALE: Uh, Hank, looks like that cat ate your dog.
Uh, about Duke he's a cat.
I was supposed to get a dog.
My neighbor got a dog.
Yeah, and I wanted to be an F-18 pilot.
One psych exam later I'm delivering you a cat.
Uh, oh, wait.
I already have a dog.
So a cat would be in danger.
That would be treason, right? Sir, is this your signature here, sir? Yes.
And is this your two page addendum stating how it would be your honor to fulfill your patriotic duty? I believe you quoted "The Star-Spangled Banner" in its entirety.
Huh Dad! Cat?! Okay, this won't be so bad.
I bet while we're gone we can board Duke for just a few more dollars a day.
Lovely.
And in the meantime, where are we going to keep this? Well, Private Hennessey left us an information dossier we're supposed to follow.
Let's see what he says.
BOBBY: Mom, look out! Ohh Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Get! Hank, looks like the cat is out of the bag.
( chuckling ) Oh this has been a cat-astrophe! ( both laughing ) Uh, cat c uh You got a cat! ( speaking gibberish ) So, one of our fighting men has a cat? What of it? Hey, guys.
Wow, you two are looking good.
I see the perfect fusion of master and animal.
I can't tell where one ends and the other begins.
Oh, I feel great.
Good ol' Buster's built my wind up.
( scraping ) Well, that must be Duke.
He's cute.
Dang it, Bill, why didn't you tell me you could get stuck with a cat in this program? Come on, Hank, cats aren't so bad.
One of Buster's best friends is a cat that does recon missions with a camera strapped to his back.
( meows ) I don't think yours does that, though.
( bell jingles ) MAN: Eh, eh eh oh oh ( clears throat ) Try this.
Once you start playing with it, you won't want to stop! Ah, no thanks.
I just need to get some cat food.
See, I was recently forced to take care of a cat, and I need to know which one of these I should buy.
Quickly.
Oh, all that stuff is garbage.
What your cat needs is this: Scientific Formula.
$18 a bag? What's wrong with all this other stuff? Well, between you and me, it's practically inedible.
We should really be in jail for carrying it.
( sighs ): All right, fine.
Give me a bag of the Scientific Formula.
Which flavor? I recommend the Italian herb chicken.
Delicious.
( crash, cat screeches ) Do you think Private Hennessey enlisted just to get away from that thing? Oh, put it out of your mind, Hank.
In a week, we'll be at Graceland.
I wonder if they'll let us shoot a television.
( retching ) Oh, Hank.
Bobby, get Duke off the dinner table! He just threw up; I don't want to touch him.
Pick him up with a napkin.
You want me to take him off the table, or do you want me to eat my vegetables? Because I can't do both.
Fine, I'll do it.
( screeches ) Dang it! PEGGY: I hope you like the smell of a cranberry bog, because it is the only thing that counteracts the cat stink.
Ugh! Wave some of that stuff over here.
Oh, my God! The cat has soiled in my shoes.
Where is he? BOBBY: He's in my room.
If I stop petting him, he'll bite me.
I've read that dossier cover-to-cover, and nowhere in it does it say anything about pooping in shoes.
You know I hate this cat, but there might actually be something wrong with him.
Maybe you should take him to Dr.
Yandell.
I can't.
If there are any problems, I'm supposed to take him to Dr.
Leslie at the Vet Consortium.
That place with the valet parking? Wait, we're not paying for this, are we? We have our vacation to think about.
BOBBY: It's like having a bomb strapped to my lap.
It's part of my commitment.
I can't ask Duke's owner to take it out of his combat pay.
BOBBY: I've got to go to the bathroom.
( cat hisses and screeches ) I'm Hank Hill.
This is Duke.
We have an appointment with Dr.
Leslie.
What's the nature of your cat's problem? Uh he's pooping in my shoes.
Okay, go ahead and have a seat.
And we ask that you please not make eye contact with Mr.
Javier's parrot.
He's got anger issues.
( squawks ) ( squawks loudly ) Hello, you must be Duke's caregiver.
I'm Dr.
Leslie.
How are you feeling today, Mr.
Duke? Uh, yeah, so, I don't know cats, so I can't really tell if anything is wrong.
That's the thing about animals.
They can't tell us what's wrong.
And take it from me, they can't understand our jokes.
Why don't you gently restrain him so I can take some blood and check his vitals? Uh, yeah, don't you have a strap or a clamp or something? If you prefer, you could lay on the examination table and hold Duke to your chest.
Mm-hmm.
( chuckles ) Very good.
Well, everything seems normal, Mr.
Hill.
Oh, great, then I just need you to sign this Army form stating that, uh, "Everything within reason has been done to ensure the proper health of said animal.
" Everything hasn't been done, Mr.
Hill.
Sure, Duke "looks" normal, but I did not spend four extra years specializing in small animal treatment to just look.
I want to do some more tests on Duke to make sure we don't miss anything.
EKG, MRI, maybe an iodine trace.
Okay.
First off, we're gonna need to ensure that Duke has been getting the proper diet.
Oh, I'm way ahead of you, Doctor.
I already have him on the Scientific Formula.
You can't feed that to a cat.
Mr.
Hill, Duke should only be eating Vet's Brand.
You're asking me to spend $57 on a bag of cat food?! Well, we can't expect Duke to buy it on his salary! ( chuckles ) You see? Nothing.
Okay, that's gonna be $543.
What?! Bone density test? Lactose intolerance test? Allergy panel? I know it sounds a bit pricey, but these people have all the best equipment.
( chuckles ): Well, almost all the best equipment.
You never stop selling, do you, Tommy? You're in good hands.
I don't have a pet, but I'd bring my son here, if they'd let me.
Listen, I can't afford this.
I'm taking my family on vacation.
I'm just doing this because I made a pledge to the Army.
I don't even like cats.
( snarls ) ( hissing ) That's it! Here, boy! ( gasps ) Dang it! Okay, droop your eyelids.
Now un-flare that nostril.
That's it! Perfect.
Dad, look at my poker face.
We are gonna take everything from that riverboat but the paddle wheel.
Uh, yeah.
I'm sorry, you guys, but Duke's vet visit just cost us the Riverboat stop.
What? What? ( sighs ) This is no longer a valid TripTik.
I knew it.
I knew this whole thing would blow up in our faces.
Hank, let's just get rid of this cat.
It's ruining our lives.
I can't do that.
It'll be fine, you'll see.
Maybe we won't be able to stay in hotels, but we can camp in the car! ( phone rings ) Hill residence.
It's Dr.
Leslie.
Duke's blood work came back, and his blood sugar is normal no adult-onset diabetes, no hypertension, no hemophilia.
Oh, that's great! But we did notice his white blood cell count is up slightly.
Uh.
What does that mean? Could be nothing, could be cancer.
I'm gonna need you to come in with Duke right away.
I'd like to do a complete physical workup to cover all our bases.
I also recommend this: It's what we call a feline mobility cart.
Wait.
The cat can't walk? Of course he can walk.
But rolling is easier.
You see, it may relieve some pressure and redirect blood flow.
Plus alloy wheels.
But all this could be for nothing, right? I mean, Duke may not have anything wrong with him.
Boy, that'd be great.
I'd like to go in.
In? Do a small exploratory surgery, rule some things out.
What's that gonna cost me? Guesstimate? Between $1,000 and $2,000 and $3,000.
That's a lot of money.
See, my family and I were kinda going on this vacation Would it kill you not to go on vacation? Because it may kill Duke.
( sighs ) Do you take traveler's checks? PEGGY: You and your stupid patriotism.
I'm sure that cat will thank you for canceling our vacation by hissing at you.
I expanded my bladder for this trip.
Thanks a lot, Dad! ( sighs ) ( squeaking ) ( Duke retches ) ( all gagging ) I can't believe what they want me to do to get Duke ready for surgery.
To keep him sterile, I have to put on these little paper booties before he uses the litter box.
Excuse me.
I believe your dog left this toy in my yard.
So sorry about that.
He likes pretty ladies.
Oh.
( giggles ) Well, thank you.
Here's my number, in case any more of his toys go missing.
BOBBY: Dad! Duke's wheels tracked poo all over my bed sheets! ( yowling ) ( gasps ) ( wheels squeaking ) Tip-top news, Mr.
Hill! We've eliminated even a remote possibility that Duke has lung cancer, stomach cancer, or pancreatic cancer.
Oh, thank God.
So, uh, can you sign the release? Now we can move on to Duke's circulatory and skeletal systems.
( sighs ) $150 for a feline enema? I could do it for half that.
I wish I could let you, Peggy.
Duke is bleeding us dry, Hank.
I think it is time to take him to our vet for a second opinion.
Come on.
You get the crate, I'll get the oven mitts.
That's a cute little cart you got him in.
Do you have a little mouse that rides in there, too? Uh, I swore I would do all that I could for the care of this cat in writing.
You've had him tested from his brain to his behind.
Sounds to me like you have.
You want me to sign that? Well, thank you, but I need Duke's vet of choice to do it-- Dr.
Bradley Leslie.
Oh, he's top-notch.
Best in his field.
Well, I was kinda hoping you'd tell me he was a quack and I wouldn't have to listen to him.
And he's costing me a fortune.
Well, he's got all those new fancy machines.
And if you've got the machines, by God you're gonna use them.
But truth is, sometimes cats just get old.
Duke's going to die someday, but not of anything he's got right now.
But he keeps vomiting.
Cats vomit.
They eat, poop and vomit.
That's what they do.
So you're telling me I sacrificed my family's vacation so this guy can pay for his fancy machines? Yeah, you wouldn't believe how much some of 'em go for.
Tommy, how much one of those ultra-magnetic doohickeys you keep yammering about set me back? The Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager 9220? You don't want to know.
It's so expensive, no one can make money on it.
We only sold two: one in Beverly Hills and one in Aspen.
I could have one delivered within the week.
So, wait.
That machine's even more expensive than the ones Dr.
Leslie has? Oh, yeah.
He's got a 9210.
That's a solid unit.
But this baby's seven percent more accurate, and it comes in chrome.
Can I have some of those brochures? Uh, just take one, though.
They're also really expensive.
Mr.
Hill! Teresa didn't tell me you had an appointment.
I don't.
Look, I just stopped by to tell you there will be no more surgeries or tests or anything else done to my cat.
And I want you to sign this.
There are still several more tests we can perform, Mr.
Hill.
You see, we have a responsibility to these creatures.
Duke can't tell us he wants to live Yeah, yeah, I know, and he can't joke around.
But I bet if he could talk, he'd say he wants to be put through the Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager.
I've got one of those! Says here that the 9220 is seven percent more accurate than the old 9210.
( chuckles ): Yes, but seven percent more accuracy hardly justifies me spending that kind of money.
I'd have to use the machine on pets and their owners to break even.
It's just too expensive.
Well, that seems like the kind of decision you'd want to leave to that woman and her bird, or that guy and whatever the hell that thing is.
I'm sure they'd like to know you've been depriving them of the latest in full-body diagnostic testing.
I wish I had enough of these pamphlets for everyone.
Hey, I guess I could go out there and read it out loud.
Now hold on a minute.
That machine would bankrupt me.
I've got to draw the line somewhere.
We all have to draw the line somewhere.
Is that 9220 something you should be using on Frank? You can keep that pen.
It's from some company that makes Viagra for lizards.
Works for snakes, too! ( all cheering ) HANK: Well, it's 3:00.
Right about now, Dr.
Leslie is turning Duke over to Private Hennessey.
Look, I know this isn't the kind of trip we all had in mind.
Bobby, why don't you go ahead and have the "21-Rib Salute?" Really?! It's not an entrée, it's an event! So, how much money do we have left in the vacation fund? $98.
Which means, well, this is as far as we can go.
You know, just being away from Duke feels like a holiday.
Good food, family, the Cowboys.
Now this is what I call a dream vacation.
( all cheering ) Army sergeant Bill Dauterive relinquishing command of Buster! On behalf of myself and the crew of the USS Eisenhower, I say thank you.
( all cheering ) Wow.
How you getting home, Sergeant? I, I, uh You ever pulled two Gs? Don't worry.
Buster'll sit on your lap.
DALE: Oh, this has been a cat-astrophe!