King of the Hill s09e13 Episode Script

Gone with the Windstorm

1 I can't believe another Heimlich County Pork Festival's almost here.
This year we're gonna have to get Bill's cholesterol tested every hour.
Just remember to keep your fingers away from my mouth.
Once I'm in the zone, I can't tell the difference.
Hey, it's seven after the hour.
Let's see what kind of weather my Nancy's predicting.
Even an inch tall and ashen gray, she's beautiful.
The weather's going to be sunny and clear, not a chance of drizzle, so come on down and watch those pigs sizzle.
I'll be there to sign autographs outside the Hall of Ham Presidents.
All right! I love James K.
Pork.
NANCY: Thanks for your help, Peggy, but try not to sign across my face.
Oh, and don't sign across my cleavage either.
Or, as one of my fans calls it, my warm fronts.
Oops, I must be getting tired.
I signed this one "Peggy Hill" by mistake.
Well, no matter, now it's a collector's item.
Can't stop yet, sug.
The weather outlook is so sunny, we could be talking demolition derby-size crowds.
Did you realize I make your B's just like a serial killer? ( people clamoring ) Well, this ruins my watercooler talk for Monday.
And Tuesday.
Delayed for wind? Sure, it's a little breezy, but it's not that bad.
Whoa! ( loud crash ) Nancy, fans! I look forward to the Pork Festival all year and your weather ruined it! Can you accurately predict what my finger's going to do? ( gasps ) It's not my fault I got the weather wrong.
I just read it off the TelePrompTer.
My job is to pronounce it, not predict it.
Oh, don't feel so bad.
You know what they say about the weather in Texas: if you don't like it, just wait five minutes.
( thunder crashing ) Sometimes it takes ten.
Maybe we should go.
We're square dancing in PE today.
I'm do-si-do-ing with you, Cherise! ( barking ) ( yells ) You thought he was a dog.
Oh, God, what a horrible day.
At least it looks like you got a nice new pair of boots.
Thanks for noticing.
Oh, can you ask me where I got them when we're on the air, sug? That way they're free.
Understood.
I get a free dinner every time I mention the Barbecue Hut.
Hmm.
MAN: Damn it, Nancy.
People are really ticked off about your forecast.
Our phones are ringing off the hook.
What am I supposed to do? The only equipment I have is a thermometer and a little glass skunk whose tail turns blue when it's humid.
I know, I know.
Wait, what about the Super Doppler we're always advertising? We don't really have one.
We just wrote "Doppler" on the air conditioning unit on the roof.
Channel 4's got one.
Televiso's got one.
Well, we got to do something.
The FCC's cracking down on everyone.
They won't let us keep calling it AccuWeather if you keep getting it wrong.
Well, then get me a Doppler or whatever can predict the weather better so I don't look like a jackass again, sug! ( barking ) ( yells ) ( laughing ) Hi, Bobby.
( yells ) What's the matter with you? ( sighs ) It's Jimmy Bearden! I made eye contact with him one day, and ever since he's been out to get me.
( whimpers ) Do you hear the barking? It's all around us.
Are the puffy clouds good or bad? Check it out, Nancy.
Doppler radar.
NWS link.
Graphics computers.
The works.
Channel 84 is in the 21st century of weather forecasting.
Oh, thank God.
Forecast for Arlen, please.
Don't worry about how any of this stuff works, Nancy.
That's what Irv's here for.
Meet Irv Bennett.
Fresh from Texas Tech's Meteorological School.
Great to meet you, Ms.
Hicks-Gribble.
I know this is kind of lame, but I have a printout of that tornado that moved through here in August of 2001.
Could you sign it? Whatever, sug.
I'm just glad I finally have someone to do my science for me.
( phone ringing ) Oh, and to answer my phone.
Can you always say, "I'll see if she's available" even when I am available.
Can do.
Whoa, Irv, you don't have time for that.
Sure he does.
Don't let it get to five rings or the voice mail will pick up.
Just move it.
You've got to get into makeup for the 5:00 report.
I'm on it.
Makeup? Oh, don't worry, Tom.
I'll make sure I don't walk so far that he gets in the shot.
Nancy, uh Irv's going to be doing the weather from now on.
What? Am I being fired? Now? No.
We're a family.
I'm sure we'll find something for you.
But the thing is, viewers don't want to be entertained by a "weather girl" anymore.
They want meteorologists who, who understand weather and can update them immediately.
But-but what about me? Hey, why don't you man the weather phone? But everybody knows the weather phone's just the fax machine.
( watercooler gurgling ) You combine that split-level jet stream with a high pressure system swooping down from Canada, and you've got classic tornado weather and possible wildfire conditions.
I'll be tracking the developments and keep you posted.
Weather can be tracked? He's good.
There are parts of this forest Wow, zero percent chance of charm or what, huh? ( sighs ) How could we be defeated by a man named Irv? Oh, would you calm down.
Nancy, you may look like a Southern belle, but deep inside you are pure Rottweiler.
Think of how many lives you ruined in high school.
Heck, I've seen you break up entire baby showers with one catty remark.
You're right.
Irv's not going to know what hit him.
HANK: Steak's on.
Bobby, what in the heck is wrong with you? Sorry, Dad.
I'm just a little on edge because of this bully at school.
Well, what's he doing to you? Indian burns? Towel snaps? Those are the ones you got to be careful of.
No, he's jumping out and scaring me.
Well, how's he doing that? Is he big for his age? Or does he have some of those Chinese fighting sticks? No.
He jumps out and makes a weird noise.
Oh.
Well, we're not going to the principal on this one.
Okay, we've been through this before.
You need to fake with your right and jab him with your left.
Come on.
Try it.
( grunting ineffectually ) Why don't you find his schedule and try to stay away from him? Hey, there, Irv-y Derv.
So you must have some wild stories about your days at Texas Tech.
Ever have a few drinks, start roughhousing with some of your frat brothers maybe in the shower and things got a little out of hand? You remember when that arctic air blast came through? You know, the one that had all that heavy backlash precip behind it? Well, me and my buddies stood outside all night long to understand what seven degrees Fahrenheit felt like.
I mean, sure, we could've just found some walk-in freezer, but it's not the same.
It must be nerve-racking going on air for the first time.
Do you ever get scared that you will freeze up on camera and just stand there with nothing to say? Oh, there's always something to say about the weather around here.
Tornadoes, cyclones, floods, heat waves, of course not to mention hurricanes.
Show time, Irv.
All right! ( no audible dialogue ) Oh, my God, your nose is huge.
I do have a honker, don't I? You sure do.
And the camera adds ten pounds, but I'm sure it won't all go to your nose.
Whoo, it's gonna be a hot one today, folks.
So find some shade wherever you can.
Hey, I bet my nose could shade most of South Arlen.
( chuckles ) You might want to back up camera one, because I'm about to turn here.
( laughter ) I bet I'm a rhinoplastician's dream.
Don't you mean rhinoceros? I mean rhinoplastician.
You know rhinoplasty? By a plastic surgeon? But with this nose, I'm probably a rhinoceros's dream, too.
( laughter ) Good one.
High five, Miguel.
Huh I never really knew what they meant when they said mild weather, but dang if it doesn't feel mild out here.
Damn that Irv Bennett.
It's like he makes the weather.
Him and those damn machines of his.
This guy's got to go.
If he keeps this up, they're gonna fire Nancy.
If they fire Nancy, she won't be able to keep paying me to sit around the house and do nothing.
You know, Dale, you could help out by cutting down on your expenses.
Maybe instead of buying more guns you can enjoy the ones you have.
Or maybe I could just help Nancy get rid of this guy.
It's time to give him a scare like so many possums have given me.
Last night I watched the news and pretended Irv and I were talking.
He'd say, "How 'bout that weather?" and I'd say, "It's fine, Irv.
Would you like some Swiss Miss pudding?" MIGUEL: Iss-ton-bowl Ees-tin-ball.
Today the mayor of Ees-ton-bowl ( phone ringing ) Irv Bennett's desk.
DISTORTED VOICE: Get out, weather man! A pain front is coming! Leave town! Dale? Nancy? What are you doing, Dale? Getting rid of Irv for you.
Could you leave a message I called? Not me, but me! TOM: Attention, everybody! Irv just informed me we've got a wildfire! Now, listen up: I want us ready to go to News Team coverage as soon as this Seinfeld ends! Miguel, you'll lead and throw to Irv, who'll be here in studio.
We need all hands on this one, people! Where do you want me? You can head home.
We might need to use your desk in case the cameramen need to sleep in shifts.
Are those the pants you went to school in? No, Dad.
Jimmy Bearden scared me, and I peed myself, so they gave me "lost and found" pants.
Are you happy? No.
What happened? ( sighs ) You know that little conveyor belt in the cafeteria that takes your tray? He was on it! ( sighs ) Get in the truck, Bobby.
We're going to fix your problem for good.
Ohh Go change your pants, son.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now Action News from Channel 84's news team: Miguel Hernandez, Don Ringle with sports, and meteorologist Irv Bennett with the latest on the wildfires.
Oh, you call that a turnaround? Tell me, can that compare to this? PEGGY: Wow.
That is almost too powerful in person.
Oh, thanks, sug, but I know I'm finished as a weather gal.
I don't even know if I want to work in an industry that values brains over beauty.
So you're just gonna give up? That's not the Nancy I know.
When are you going to learn that the real Doppler is in here? And that if you want to keep your job, you're going to have to do everything in your power to fight for it.
What do you mean? Kill Irv? No! Use the fire.
To kill Irv? No! Nancy, you cannot wait for them to bring the news to you.
You have to go out and find it.
We'll go cover the fire and force the station to see how much of an asset you are.
Yeah Dale! Get out of the hot tub! We're stealing a news van! DALE: It's the perfect crime! How will they ever report it? The thing is, Mr.
Bearden, your son has left Bobby here, uh, severely startled on several occasions.
Where is Jimmy anyway? You didn't see him outside? He said he was going outside! I'm sorry, Mr.
Hill.
He does the same thing to me.
I can't help you.
Okay, it looks like you've got a straight shot to your truck.
Watch out when you pass that mailbox, though.
That kid can wedge himself into anything.
( barking ) ( screams ) Gotcha! ( laughs ) Okay.
If we get stopped, Nancy, you work here, I'm looking for directions, and Peggy, you're my shy assistant with a speech impediment.
Go.
( people shouting ) ( sirens wailing ) The scene here is one of controlled frenzy.
Hola, señor.
I am Miguel Hernandez, here to cover el fuego de wild.
Perfect.
You know the drill.
Stay in the media area.
NANCY: Oh, forget it, sugs.
Everyone's already here.
And Lucy Murphy from Channel 7 is wearing the same jacket I am.
What am I gonna get that they won't? You cannot give up now.
We already stole a van.
We have got more initiative.
We're better than these sheep! Yeah, you can barely see the fire from here.
Let's go to where you can hardly see here from the fire! Ooh, there's an access road.
Drive up it real casual like.
Got ya.
( Dale humming ) ( laughing ) Oh, while those chumps are down there looking at smoke, we'll be in the heart of the action.
The forecast for my career: hot, hot, hot! ( cheering and yelling ) I am so excited! They said I was just a flash in the pan.
Well, now I am in the pan, sug.
I am in the pan! People might lose their homes, but you will get your job back.
At least something good will come out of this.
It's like smoking every cigarette I've ever smoked all at once.
( inhales ) ( coughing ) And it's smooth.
Oh, will you look: that eagle is carrying that rabbit out of harm's way.
Disaster brings out the best in everyone.
Come on.
Let's get broadcasting.
Oh, my God, that tree's on fire! Nancy, go.
Go stand in front of it! You're on! No, this is not a home movie in hell.
This is Nancy Hicks-Gribble reporting live from the scene of the Heimlich wildfire.
Tonight's forecast is for mid-70s in the tri-county area and the high 250s near here in the heart of the blaze.
( loud crackling ) ( gasps, whimpers ) The fire is being fueled by extraordinarily dry conditions.
There are parts of this forest that haven't seen What's Nancy doing out there? As you can see behind me-- as well as in front of me, and on either side-- what once was mere heat is now actual fire.
Oh, oh, oh As our more observant viewers can probably hear, I'm having trouble breathing with all the smoke.
My tongue has dried out and is starting to stick to my teeth.
Either my eye or my eyepiece is melting! ( screaming ) Well, that's probably Mother Nature's way of giving us the wrap-it-up sign.
This has been Nancy Hicks-Gribble No! No, not "has been"-- "still is"! Keep going, Nancy! We need our money shot! There's your money shot.
Happy?! Okay, let's get to the van.
But we have to keep rolling, people! How do we get this on there and that off there? We interrupt our Wildfire Watch coverage to bring you Really? I thought she was at home.
To put it in layman's terms, imagine crawling in your own fireplace while it's burning.
I want to see this footage on every promo from now until the Christmas toy drive.
And someone probably should tell the fire department about them.
DALE: Nancy, the van's on fire! NANCY: Oh, my gosh! Show it show it Yes! Got dang it! How'd we lose them? The van exploded.
I could drive another van up there! We already have another van in the media area.
Uplink it! I want to be seeing fire, not hearing you.
The fire's everywhere, sug! We're never gonna get out! Oh, God! ( sobbing ) Baby, I always hoped we'd die together.
Peggy, you go die over there.
I don't want to die! I just want to read the weather.
Don't be silly.
We can't die if we're on TV.
They'd never air it! ( sobbing ) I don't care anymore! I'm scared! And I don't want to go to heaven with brown roots! We've got picture! ( cheering ) ( sobbing ) ( whooping ) Gimme five? The Arlen and McMaynerbury Fire Departments report that during the containment of the blaze, several horses in the area had to be airlifted out.
In a related story, so did our own Nancy Hicks-Gribble ( sobbing ) Now, son, you can't keep scaring people like this.
Pretty soon you'll be too big to squeeze into the ductwork.
( shrieks ) Bwaagh! ( shrieks ) So are you gonna stop scaring my boy? 'Cause I've got a wife who likes to hide and yell, too.
Well, glad you learned your lesson, Jimmy.
Oh, crap.
Where'd he go? ( Luanne sobbing ): I don't wanna die.
I just wanna read the weather.
You steal a news van.
A bunch of equipment.
And destroy it all.
I feel so stupid.
I wish I was in that van when it exploded.
Are you kidding? You put Channel 84 on the map.
We've got more requests for that footage of you blubbering than of that panda baby at the zoo.
Really? I want to reposition Nancy Hicks-Gribble as an integral part of the Channel 84 team.
So, I'm back on weather? No.
It turns out people really do care about accurate weather.
Irv's not gonna go anywhere, but people did respond to you.
What's left for me to do? I dunno.
News? So it looks like the Arlen Jaycees are going to be having that potato-sack race indoors.
Now, I'd like to welcome a new addition to the anchor desk, but it's a face you already know.
Say hello to our new co-anchor, Nancy Hicks-Gribble.
Thanks, Irv.
It's great to be a part of the team, sug.
Have you been feeling itchy lately? We may have the reason why.
It has nothing to do with the Barbecue Hut off I-10.
Delicious.
Peggy, you go die over there.