King of the Hill s13e20 Episode Script

To Sirloin with Love

Dinner is almost ready, Hank.
Turkey chili.
It sounded so crazy, I just had to try it.
Well, I'm just gonna make a quick call to my mom.
I haven't checked in since yesterday.
Hello? Greetings.
My name is Prince Jabari.
I live in Nigeria, and I need to use your bank account for a short while.
Hank? Is that you? No.
It's Prince Jabari.
Hank, if you need money, I can send you a check.
I just got adorable ones-- Covered bridges.
Okay, Mom, it is me.
I'm just trying to make sure you're on your toes.
There are people out there who would take advantage of someone like you.
You're sweet to worry, honey.
Oh, I have news.
I'm getting married.
Really? Well, that's great.
I've always liked Gary.
Any man who eats that much brisket can't be all bad.
Oh, not to Gary.
Gary and I broke up weeks ago.
What? Why? He got paranoid, Hank.
He was always snooping around.
That's how he found out about me and Chuck.
What? Who's Chuck? We met a couple of months ago.
The wedding is next weekend.
Hope you can make it, honey.
Bye.
Who's Chuck?! I don't understand what the heck is going on here.
How could my mother be getting married? They just met.
Probably got her in trouble.
When you know, you know, Hank.
But sometimes you're wrong.
Well, I tell you what.
I'm gonna give this Chuck the once-over as soon as I get to Arizona.
I wish I had someone to look after me when I get old.
Maybe I'll just get a cat.
Although I hear they eat you after you die.
Lucky for you, the Japanese are developing robots-- Sexy robots to care for the elderly.
Thank God for that tiny, perverted, technologically advanced nation.
Well, we made it.
A road trip west that stops before you hit California.
Pretty good in my book.
111 degrees? Phoenix can't really be that hot, can it? Oh, my God, it's like standing on the sun! This city should not exist.
It is a monument to man's arrogance.
Well, that must be Chuck's car.
You can learn a lot about a guy from what he has lying on his seat.
No time, Hank.
We are moments away from sunstroke and certain death.
Go, go, go! I picked up another safety bar for your bathroom, Mom.
Last time I was here, I noticed a dead spot between the shower and the toilet.
I hardly think that's necessary.
Well, you're gonna be living in this condo a long time.
I want to make sure it's as safe as possible.
Sounds like pretty good advice, Tilly.
I'd listen to your son.
Chuck Garrison.
I'm the lucky guy who tricked your mom into marrying me.
Yeah.
Aw, look at you two lovebirds.
Ready to start what's left of your lives together.
You must be Peggy.
And that would make you Bobby.
Yes, sir.
Well, he's smooth, all right.
Come check out my new air ionizer.
It was endorsed by Norman Schwarzkopf.
So, Chuck, what, if anything, do you do for a living, Chuck? Well, I'm retired now, but I used to own a chain of hardware stores.
Used to, huh? Sounds like there's a story there.
No story.
My son runs the business now.
For a kid with only one thumb, he's doing okay for himself.
Grandma, is this you parasailing? Yes.
Chuck and I went to Mexico to celebrate his 70th birthday.
Parasailing? Is that the kind of daredevil stuff you're into, Chuck? Actually, it was Tilly's idea.
The kettle's ready.
I thought some tea would take the chill off.
None for me.
I was thinking Chuck and I could take a little drive.
You know what I miss most about the hardware game? The nails.
Galvanized, hand-cut, roofing.
We had a nail for every mood.
Well, Chuck, I could spend all day talking about nails-- I have-- but I got to ask you something.
Why did you start dating my mom when she was still with Gary? I feel terrible about that.
I really do.
But Tilly didn't tell me about Gary until after they broke up.
Feels like it's cooling down a bit.
Sure does.
Have you ever been indicted, Chuck? Look, Hank, I know you just met me, but you have nothing to worry about.
I love your mom, and I promise you, her happiness is the most important thing in the world to me.
Well, that's good to hear.
You know what my favorite nail is, Chuck? The three-penny, fluted stainless steel.
I don't know why.
I don't know.
If this were a Hugh Grant movie, this is the moment when he would run in.
If this were a Julia Roberts movie, this is the moment when she would run out.
Welcome.
We are here today to witness and bless Matilda and Charles' union of marriage.
Do you give this woman to be married to this man? I, uh Uh, well Uh yes, I do.
Congratulations, you two.
Bye.
Bye.
Ooh, they're expecting thunderstorms in Phoenix.
Hank, call your mom and remind her not to use the phone.
Well, luckily, Chuck is around to take care of my mom now.
I can stop worrying so much and just relax.
What the heck?! Mom, Dad, there's a spaceship outside! Is that Mom? We sold our condos, Hank.
We're going to spend our golden years zigzagging across the country! Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no! What's going on? You can't live in a trailer park so you bring trailer park to you? I dislike this RV as much as you do, Kahn, but it is my mom's.
Ah, the portrait completes itself.
Granny rocking away in the driveway tapping her toes to the fiddle and setting a spell.
Why you hate me? Why? Dang it, I never should've trusted that Chuck.
I take my eye off the ball one time, and now my mom's living in a house that could get T-boned on the freeway.
I've often fantasized about the RV lifestyle.
You live in a town until people grow tired of your anecdotes.
Then you pull out the chocks and drive off.
At least the condo was safe and stationary.
Who knows what kind of terrible things can happen to her on the open road? You're right to be scared, Hank.
RVs are a one-way ticket to meth addiction and KOA sites where the law has no meaning.
Tilly is about to enter a world that she cannot change, but will change her.
Welcome to our home.
Would you like the grand tour? Not so grand.
This place makes my old one-bedroom condo look like the Hearst Castle.
Not here.
Not now.
Well, I think it's surprisingly spacious.
In fact, now that it's fully expanded, our driveway is completely unusable.
This thing's got everything.
Look-- a camera so you can see what's behind you.
Oh! Dinner's ready, everyone! Chuck, would you please say grace? Sure thing.
Thank you, God, for your bounty, which we are about to enjoy.
And for protecting me and the other motorists from my wife's erratic driving.
This RV is clearly too much car for her.
We were all over the road.
Amen.
Message received.
Potatoes, Mr.
Slowpoke? I'd love some potatoes.
We need an excuse to leave.
Blame computers.
Old people do not understand computers.
I'm a defensive driver.
You should try it sometime.
I like getting out of first gear.
You should try that sometime.
Yup.
Potatoes.
This thing doesn't exactly stop on a dime, Tilly.
Wow, look at that.
You're showing some emotion.
I thought I'd married a piece of driftwood.
Emotion? Is that what led you to flip off that trucker? He chased us through two mesas.
So, is this a foot or a table I'm touching? I'm kicking it right now.
Foot? Table? Must be table.
Chuck, it has been two weeks.
you need a prescription! Not everyone's libido is the same! I'm thinking about getting a mesh screen for my gutters.
Where do you guys fall on that? Hank, shh, shh, shh! I can't hear the fight over your annoying small talk.
Well, now we can drive to Hearst Castle.
Are you kidding? The Exxon Valdez here only gets three feet per gallon.
We'll be lucky to make it to the nearest White Castle.
This is what happens when you base a relationship on fiery passion.
I've heard.
Forget it! I'm going for a walk.
I was going to suggest a flying leap! All right, this has gone too far.
I got to do something.
Sorry you had to see that, Hank.
Look, Chuck, I've kept my powder dry up until now, but I gotta tell you something.
I think this RV was a mistake.
The perm I got in the '70s was a mistake.
This was a disaster.
So, this wasn't your idea? No, it was your mother's.
Personally, I prefer living in something that doesn't require me to do a lot of quick math when I'm approaching a low bridge.
Mom never mentioned wanting an RV.
Your mom has something of a wild streak, Hank.
It's part of why I fell for her.
The parasailing, midnight swims at the condo, UGGs.
I just wish Tilly and I could get our old life back.
Huh.
Maybe you can.
I put out some feelers at Strickland and I think I've lined up a buyer for the RV.
It always amazes me what a well-placed flier can accomplish.
And I picked up some information about local condos for seniors.
Every unit has a spa tub.
Maybe that'll help convince Tilly.
Convince me of what? Well, um we've been talking, Mom.
We think it's best if you and Chuck move into another condo.
What? What about the RV? Well, you'd, uh, sell that.
I can take care of everything.
And you decided all of this behind my back? I'm sure the RV seemed like a good idea, but it's too dangerous.
Absolutely.
Most accidental deaths occur either on the road or in the bathroom.
Now you've combined the two.
It is a recipe for disaster.
And you're a part of this? I think it's for the best.
Well, I don't.
And I'll thank you all to keep your noses out of my business.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my RV.
Wait, Tilly.
Honey Your pajamas and your weird pillow will be on the lawn.
It's not weird.
It's memory foam! Morning there, Chuck.
Hope you don't mind.
I'm making some eggs.
I haven't known your mom long, but I know she can't stay mad when she's eating poached eggs.
Toast points.
You are pitching some woo, Chuck Garrison.
I feel bad about last night.
I just want to put this nonsense behind us.
What the heck? She's gone.
Jackass.
Uh, no, officer, my mom isn't technically a runaway, but I still think the Amber Alert is the way to go here.
Well, it's a dumb policy.
The woman is crazy.
She could be anywhere by now.
I demand recompense! Stupid RV run over my container herb garden.
Where I get mint for mojitos now? I don't have time for this, Kahn.
My mom's gone missing.
Ah! This is exactly why I had a chip put in Nancy.
I'm worried about her out there.
She thinks cruise control is like autopilot.
She tried to make a cup of coffee, Hank.
I'm going to try calling her again.
I'll have a tuna melt and some strawberry rhubarb pie.
Ooh! But bring the pie first.
I like you.
You're a hot ticket.
If you're heading out to see the wildflowers off Route 9, make sure you have four-wheel drive.
The access road is bumpy.
Oh, yes.
I've got four wheels.
Hot ticket.
Tilly talked about going to the Mark Twain Festival in Sulphur Springs.
Maybe we should head in that direction.
Good idea.
I just hope we find her before we get there.
I do not want to get involved in that traffic.
Hey, dang ol', let's get going, man.
You guys don't have to come.
Of course we're coming.
We're the Three Amigos! And Bill.
And Chuck, is it? Dad can I help look for Grandma, too? Tomorrow is garbage day, Bobby.
I need you here.
Hot dog! Maybe Tilly stopped in here.
She said something about this place having the best pies in east Texas.
Mmm, check it out.
A couple of birds waiting to be plucked from a tree.
Mm-hmm, yeah, man, talking 'bout dang ol' low-hangin' fruit, man.
This'll be fun to watch-- Just like an '80s spring break movie.
Which one is going to fall in love before they find out she's a prostitute? Excuse me.
We're looking for a woman around 70.
Probably paid with a check.
Had her own teabag.
I remember her.
She was a real live wire.
Mmm, no, wait.
She was a hot ticket.
The live Wire's still here.
She went to check out the bluebonnets in the ravine off Route 9.
What?! She can't take an RV down there! Ugh, dang it.
We gotta hurry.
You like pie? I like pie.
Let's go, guys.
Hey, man, I'm sorry, man, but dang ol' hit the road.
Go on without us, man.
What?! Sorry, Hank.
You knew our attention spans when you invited us.
You invited yourselves.
Who remembers? In fact, I forgot where we were even going.
dumping inches of rain into the east valley.
Flash flood alerts for The map shows this road as a yellow dotted line.
Dang it, RVs should stay on the solid lines.
That's nothin'.
On the way to your place, she dumped the RV's septic over a bridge.
The people on the ferry were not happy.
Mom has made some questionable decisions over the years.
I tell you what.
You know, she spent a summer unwittingly spying for the Chinese.
Looks like there's a storm up in the hills.
Yeah, and all that water is going to drain through the ravine.
Ah, Mom could get caught in a flash flood.
We gotta take a shortcut.
Ugh, got-dang it! Okay, give her some gas and hit the winch.
Nice and steady.
You got it! Ugh, we gotta find something heavier to connect the cable to.
You boys need some help? Tilly! Mom! You're okay.
What are you two doing out here? We came to save you.
I'm fine.
But I think a storm is coming.
My knee is acting up.
We need to get out of here.
Chuck, hook the cable to the back of the RV.
Mom, I need you to pull us out.
Okay.
Go for it, Mom! Well, that was something.
This is what I was talking about, Mom.
The road is a dangerous place.
It's too easy for someone like you to get into trouble out here.
I wasn't in trouble.
You two boys are the ones who got yourselves stuck.
I saved you.
Well, uh, sure, this time.
But you're going to get into trouble out here eventually.
I know you think I'm an old lady, Hank.
But I'm as sharp as I ever was.
I don't worry about you because you're old.
I worry about you because because you're an idiot.
What? You make stupid decisions, Mom.
You married Cotton.
You started dating Chuck before you broke up with Gary.
You sent your gold to some guy on TV.
I'm sick of it.
Have you always felt this way? Well, just maybe for the past 30 years or so.
Huh.
You know what? Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am an idiot.
Who cares? I do.
When you make a mistake, I have to pick up the pieces.
No, you don't.
I want to live on my own terms, Hank.
I want to have fun while I can.
Let the pieces fall where they may.
Some things will work out well.
Some won't.
At least it won't be boring.
Well, what's boring about living a sensible life near emergency services? Can you try talking some sense into her? The only thing I want, Hank, is to jump back in that RV, if your mom'll have me.
We can be at the Mark Twain Festival by sunrise.
Don't worry, Hank.
I'll be okay.
I'll do my best to look after her, Hank.
Thanks, Chuck.
You know, uh, Mom has made a lot of mistakes, but, uh, you're not one of them.
Wait, no, no! My-my truck! Idiots.
No, no, no, no, no! Why you hate me?