Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (1994) s01e01 Episode Script

Show 1

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face
it - This time we're through
Knowing me, knowing you! ♪
Knowing me, knowing you! ♪
Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You with me,
Alan Partridge, live from BBC Television Centre.
There's a new chat in town. DRUM ROLL
Tonight is a JFK kind of a night.
Just as everyone remembers what
they were doing when Kennedy was shot,
I like to think that, 30 years on,
people will remember what THEY were
doing when I first said "Ah-ha-a!"
As our motorcade of chat
cruises through celebrity city,
let's hope no sniper waits
to pick off my star guest.
He arrived at Heathrow and is being
whisked here in a Vauxhall Carlton.
He is none other than 007
James Bond, Roger Moore!
My set is modelled on the
lobby of a top international hotel.
And for the first time ever on a
chat show, a beautiful fountain!
But first,
up there in their musical mezzanine,
let's get to know my resident
house band, Glen Ponder and Chalet!
Knowing me, knowing you! ♪
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glen Ponder. Ah-ha!
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Chalet. Ah-ha! AH-HA!
Great to have you aboard. It's great to be here.
Sorry? Sorry?
Glen Ponder Glen Ponder and Chalet!
And you. Have a good time.
BAND PLAYS: "Knowing me, knowing you"
Well, it's time to meet my first guest NOW,
after I've done her introduction, now.
Now - Red Rum, Desert Orchid,
Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed.
What have they in common?
They're celebrity horses.
My first guest is not a horse,
she's a celebrity who rides a horse.
Let's see her in action.
Giddy, giddy - YES!
Take that horse back to
the stable and give it a kiss!
No finer way to start my series
than with world championship-winning
showjumping legend Sue Lewis!
The winner takes it all
The winner makes it all
The winner takes it all. ♪
There you go.
Got a quick whiff of your perfume. That's nice.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Sue Lewis. Ah-ha! Ah-ha!
Right. Now
..horses. Horses.
People say a dog is like its
owner. Is a horse like its rider?
I don't know.
Can you speak up a bit?
I don't know!
There's no resemblance?
You don't think you look
like a horse? I hope not!
Speak up!
I hope not! Sorry, could we
turn the fountain off, please?
Sorry, Sue. Thank you.
The idea was to represent a fountain
of knowledge, to symbolise the show.
Now, Sue It looks lovely.
It is. Well, it cost two grand.
That's the kind of thing you'll be
seeing - lots of expensive items.
Now, you won the hearts of the British public
when, last year, you trotted off
with the world championship. Yes.
How did that feel? Oh Great!
Really great!
Was the horse, Joie de Vivre, was
he aware of the excitement? Oh, yes.
Um what what did you?
Did you give him a treat afterwards? Yes!
Did you did you tickle his belly?
No, that's dangerous. I'm thinking
of that man with the dolphin.
Um, Sue let's move on to the anecdotes.
D-d-do the anecdote.
Well, all it was, was that
..when you transport a horse
you have to be careful
and it takes a lot of time.
The owner, Maxwell Henderson, was driving
Get to the bit about the horsebox.
We were driving up the motorway
She was driving with a
man Sorry, I'm doing it.
Right! Well, we were driving up the
motorway and Maxwell needed a drink.
So we stopped off at
Newbury. Could I interrupt you?
I've just been told Roger Moore
has passed Heston Services
and should be with us soon. Sue
..I've forgotten where I was! Where was I?
I've absolutely no idea. Look
..go on to the other one.
Oh, I remember! All right.
We stopped in Newbury so that
Maxwell could get a drink - water or tea -
and I wanted something to
read. So you bought a book. Yes!
It was a very small bookshop and
they were catering for a mass audience.
Be quicker.
So I bought a book and when I was going out to
That's not quick. She bought
a book called Killing Horses
and the driver thought she was
some sort of murderess! It was hilarious.
It was the only book That's the end
The end.
OK Now, it says here Hawaii.
What happened there? Exotic place -
give me spice!
I lost my luggage. Oh dear! What happened?
It was fine. Nothing missing.
You see, that's no good!
That's an incident, not an anecdote.
Your press release says "anecdote"!
No good. Just for future reference,
to save wasting people's time.
Not to worry. We've got a surprise for YOU
in this, one of the regular features
of the series, Up Alan's Sleeve.
Well, Sue Lewis, this week,
I have for you, up my sleeve, a HORSE and a jump!
Bring on the horse and the jump!
We couldn't get your horse so it's just A horse.
Now, isn't he a beauty?! SHE.
SHE..? ..Yes, you're absolutely right.
We've got the horse and the jump.
I've sprung this on you, but
will you rise to the challenge?
I can't. She doesn't want to do it!
Do you want her to? AUDIENCE: Yes!
Jump the jump. No. This is a concrete floor.
A horse has delicate legs. It would damage them.
Can we gaffer-tape some sponges
to the hooves? It would break its legs.
I can't. "Please don't break my
legs!" she says! Don't do that!
All right, get rid of the horse and the jump!
Look at that!
That's YOUR fault!
She was nervous.
You really ought to get a dustpan!
That could have been spectacular!
No horse jump and now just a lump of dung!
I'm sorry.
That's it!
No more questions? No.
..Have YOU got any questions?
Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes, I have.
I went pony-trekking
..with school - in Cornwall.
Gosh! ..Like one of YOUR stories!
Ladies and gentlemen - Sue Lewis! INAUDIBLE
Fame! I'm going to live forever!
Stay there, Sue!
Fame! I'm going to learn how to fly!
Of course I'm not
But, in a sense my next guest DID.
Two years ago, he was presenting the
Loony Breakfast Show on Radio Leeds,
now he's the new host of This Is Your Life!
He's a trooper. I think he's super.
Please welcome Super Trooper
Keith Hunt Where is he?
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Keith Hunt. Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Am I right?
AUDIENCE: You're not wrong!
He's got a catchphrase already!
Best slip it in early - know what I mean!
You all right, Sue? You're not
wrong! She's a barrel of laughs(!)
Pity it's empty! Am I right?
AUDIENCE: You're not wrong! Only joking.
No, you really aren't, not
wrong! ..Um Now, Keith,
This Is Your Life - it's a British institution.
It's as English as fish and chips.
Bangers and mash. The tower of London
Sue - something British? Um Crufts?
Umm but you know, I would
I would dearly love my show to be an institution.
You must change your theme tune! Abba's Swedish!
Well, that's a Swedish institution.
You can't get more Swedish. As Swedish as Ikea.
..The vegetable, swede.
Yeah well, yeah
The Swedes
..don't have a bad life.
They get up in the morning, have a bowl of swede,
hop in the Volvo, whack on Abba, and go to Ikea!
I mean I mean, that's my Sunday
..apart from the swede.
Now Keith I have Kellogg's Common Sense.
Keith, what's your secret?
I'm an ordinary bloke.
BUT - the big but - you do
extraordinary things because
I have Keith's local paper, here, with a
little story No, no, no! Don't embarrass me!
A little story. Shh!
A story about Keith. Shall I read it or will you?
Will you? All right, all right. Listen.
The headmaster of me kid's school
knocked on me door and said, "Keith,
"we're having a raffle to
raise money for a mini-bus.
"Will you host it?"
I says, "How much does it
cost?" He says, "18 grand." I said
I'll just stop you.
I've just been told that Roger Moore is
at Chiswick roundabout, so stay tuned!
Keith, carry on.
He said, "18 grand." I said, "Here's 20.
"Buy the mini-bus AND take them to Alton Towers!"
What a nice man!
You've got to put a bit
back. And it's tax deductible.
Now, Keith, you like surprises.
By the way,
thanks for bringing that paper in.
Well done.
Um you like surprises and we
have now got a surprise for YOU
because it's time to go Up Alan's Sleeve.
Earlier on I had a horse
up my sleeve for Sue Lewis.
People are asking, "What's up your other sleeve?"
Well, it's a child.
What's going on? A child you
know well - you produced him.
Your very own son, Sam Hunt!
I don't believe it!
Hello! Keith Now, Keith
Keith Hi, Sam!
Sam is your only son from your marriage
which was dissolved some years ago.
You're only allowed to see him once a fortnight,
but I can speak to him, so you
wait here while I talk to Sam Hunt!
Sam, it's Dad! Now, I believe
you've got something special to say to Sam today.
Looking forward to next week. We'll have fun.
No, isn't there something else you want to say?
See your dad on the telly last week?
No! Sam, do you want to tell Daddy?
It's my birthday. It's your son's birthday!
Yes! Happy birthday, Sam.
What have you got for him?
No, stay there. Give him this. There you go.
He got you £10.
Don't despair, we got you a present.
We've got you an Alan Partridge tie
and blazer badge combination pack.
Take that.
And, not only that,
a trip to Disneyland with your
mummy and her partner this weekend!
No, no!
I've got custody this weekend. She
knows that. No, it's been arranged!
Where are you going this weekend? Disneyland.
Of course you are! Ladies
and gentlemen, Sam Hunt!
That way.
That way.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Sam
Happy birthday to you! ♪
Great. Marvellous.
Funny feeling that backfired a bit. You
should have checked with me first, Alan.
I didn't realise you would forget
your only son's birthday. Leave it!
Oh, dear! I've blown my
chance to be on This Is Your Life!
Oh, we couldn't have you
on - we only have celebrities.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Sss!
Sue, you got any children? No, I haven't. I have.
Fernando - he's at Cambridge -
and Denise.
Denise's birthday is on the 27th of
May and Fernando's is on the 6th of June.
Quite close, so we have a
family bash. Solid as a rock.
Do horses have birthdays? Yes.
Do they get presents? Sometimes.
Even horses?
He looks like a lovely boy - Sam. Super lad.
How old is he? Five. Six! Six today.
Am I right? I'm not wrong!
Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt.
Could could someone
clear that shit away, please?
It's just it's in my picture. I don't
People may associate it with me. I don't want
Time now for my next guest. If
music be the food of love, play on!
That's what Shakespeare said.
I'm not Shakespeare, but I
say pretty much the same thing.
If music be the food of love, let's eat it!
Here with her new single, "Monday
Morning" - I know the feeling -
Shona McGough!
Monday morning at quarter to eight
She gives her husband his
cornflakes, he mustn't be late.
She vacuums the carpets
Makes everything clean Everything clean
What would she do without Mr Sheen?
She takes a shotgun from under the stairs
And stands in the hallway
Screaming her pra-a-ayers!
The gas man comes to read the meter
He writes down the reading, scratching his head
It's quarter to four and
now the gas man's DEAD!
Blood ba-ath!
Blood ba-ath!
The postman arrives
She says, "Hello, Ray"
And smiles politely as she BLOWS HIM AWAY!
Blood ba-ath!
Blood ba-ath!
She's stalking the streets Her brain's on fire
She guns down 20 in Visionhire!
Blood ba-ath!
Blood ba-ath!
Her hubby comes home
And he gives her a kiss
She puts the gun in his mouth and says
Blood ba-ath!
Blood ba-ath!
Blood ba-ath! Blo-o-od!
Blood ba-ath! Blo-o-od!
Blood! Blood!
Blood! Blood!
Blood! Blood! Aa-ah-h-h!
Suck on thi-i-is! ♪
No, no. No!
..Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise.
I had no idea of the full content of that song.
To any young people watching, let me say this.
Whilst it may be all right for
a rock band to sing about it,
murder, be it domestic or
genocide, is illegal in this country.
What was that? It was a song.
It started so well. You whipped
the skirt off, like Buck's Fizz. Then
Do you mind standing here as you were told?
Please, come back.
Shona McGough's single is in the shops,
if you want to annoy your neighbours!
Right. I've just been told Roger
Moore is at Chiswick roundabout
Still there? He shouldn't be there!
I'll fill in with a chat with Shona McGough.
She's beaten me to it! Oh, dear!
I need a chair.
Don't do that, please.
Sue. Sue Lewis. Sorry, I n-need your chair.
BAND BOOS Just sit round there.
Well, you're watching Knowing Me, Knowing You
with Alan Partridge. It's not quite
what we planned - but what the heck!
You can't say it's not
interesting. Please don't say that.
Don't do that. Stop it! Please.
Ah! This is interesting - a lady drummer!
Eyes closed, could have been a man.
Thanks a lot!
Do you want to put those pears
back, please? No. D'you want a pear?
I'd really rather you didn't
What the heck! Rock'n'roll! Let's have a pear!
A question I've always wanted to ask a Scotswoman
- what has a Scotsman got under his kilt?
His penis.
I know what you think!
You think I'm a big square. Yes! Let me tell you,
I've seen it all before. I've inhaled
hashish, I had an Afro haircut.
I went to all-weekend binges
to Prestatyn to see Wings.
And Mike Oldfield, Jean-Michel Jarre and
The Eagles could eat you lot for breakfast!
You're quiet! Just enjoying the show, mate.
Let's move on to the next part of the
show, "An Audience with Roger Moore".
I'm going to invite Shona,
Sue and Keith - not the band - to
join me in the Roger Moore room
for an audience with Roger Moore!
Can we have two chairs! Two chairs? Two chairs?
Here we are in the Roger Moore
room for an audience with Roger Moore.
Roger could have come in, sat there
and chatted about things. We have
memorabilia from Roger's career.
There's a James Bond car.
There's a golden gun from
The Man with the Golden Gun.
There's a Saint Annual.
I was going to get him to read
from it with his lovely, warm voice.
This was the show opening.
This was going to be marvellous.
Roger Moore! The
quintessential English gentleman.
Who's not here.
Now, Roger would have loved this - I
was going to introduce myself by doing this.
Ah-ha! Mr Bond.
I've been expecting you.
Which I had.
It would have been fantastic.
What's that? That's a nipple.
From The Man with the
Golden Gun. It's a third nipple.
That's a gold finger.
Ģ Sean Connery was Goldfinger. That was a trick.
Sean Connery was a better Bond. Well, interesting
you take that position - the Scottish position.
In the whole Roger versus Sean
debate that's raged for 20 years,
I have to say I am firmly in the Roger camp.
No-one could wear a safari suit with
the same degree of casuality as him.
It's a complete shambles. He's not here!
You tell them Roger Moore's coming
Let me stop you in your tracks
because, ladies and gentlemen,
Roger Moore IS on the show!
We're having him right now, live Where is he? by telephone link-up
from the car on a mobile phone.
Hello, Roger! Hello, Roger. 'Hello, Alan.'
Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore!
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Roger Moore. Ah-ha!
FUZZY CRACKLING Roger? No, all right.
I'll cut straight to a key question.
A hypothetical fistfight takes place
between Simon Templar, the Saint,
and Roger Moore, James Bond 007.
Who wins?
STATIC Any thoughts on that, Roger?
Does "Titanic" mean anything to you?
Oh, yeah, people go on about Titanic?!
Let me tell you something. People
forget that on its maiden voyage,
there were over a thousand miles
of cruising before it hit the iceberg.
Anyway, he was on the show. Doesn't count.
Face it - he's Roger the Dodger.
Am I right? ALL: You're not wrong!
All right. Point taken. But we can rescue it.
Let's call this "Right to
Reply with Alan Partridge".
Let me hear any criticisms.
Criticisms? A horse takes a dump on your show!
No manners, but what a critic!
You get a horse with a jump
on. She won't jump it. I couldn't.
It was dangerous. You get a band on,
you slag us off the minute we appear.
Vegetarians - we get ham sandwiches.
You get me own kid on!
When the Director General of the BBC
Up yours!
Up yours!!
You can't say that. Kiss my arse!
And on that bombshell, it's time for me to say
knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you,
Scotch lady.
Knowing you, the Hunt,
and knowing you, Mrs Mouse.
And I've just been told Roger Moore
has just checked into Claridges
where he's ordered room service.
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